The Samantha Jones we know and love hates children, and so she would never text with a kid, and she would definitely never sext with one. But if Satan got his way and the Sex and the City 3 movie was made and came out, we’d see Miranda Hobbes’ now 14-year-old son Brady, who looks like this now (and strangely enough he looks like the ginger love child of Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente), sending dick pics to Samantha. Samantha looking at child porn sent to her by a teenager she knew as a kid gets 5 out of 5 Not Amused While Drinking Wine Samanths from me:
The Daily Mail is saying that 40-year-old Bravo plastic Muppet Kim Zolciak may have taken some artistic liberties when posting a picture of her 4-year-old twins Kaia and Kane to social media this week. Above is Kim keeping very calm and still as to not alarm her child as a terrifying pair of mutated slugs attack her face.
Kim’s 21-year-old daughter Brielle (the one who’s a big fan of John Legend) shared a picture of her siblings to her Instagram story, and since Kim does whatever Brielle does in order to stay cool, young, hip and relevant, she shared the same picture. But people noticed it was slightly different. It would seem that in Kim’s picture Kaia was given a larger butt and a smaller nose. “Just the butt and nose?! What about boobs and lips?” cackled Kris Jenner before declaring Kim Z an amateur.
When anybody with at least half a working brain cell thinks of a “powerhouse power couple,” they probably think of Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente, Oprah and bread, Dolly Parton’s chichis, Charlie Hunnam’s ass cheeks, a squirrel and a condom, an over-used butt plug and saliva, a broken hairdryer and a blown out electric socket, and nearly every pairing in the world not named Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott. But because Pimp Mama Kris probably kidnapped the children of GQ’s editors and threatened to feed those kids to Khlozilla if they didn’t print these false declarations, they have called Kylie and Travis the world’s most powerhouse power couple. And for the cover, they threw a half-naked Kylie onto a fully-clothed Travis. To quote Miranda Priestley: “Groundbreaking.”
Homewrecking legend Miranda Lambert struck again earlier this year when she threw her iconic sledgehammer cooze at the married dick belonging to Evan Felcher (it’s Felker, but Felcher fits better in this case) whose band Turnpike Troubadours was the opening act on a few of her tour dates. Before Evan went out on tour with Miranda, his wife Staci Felker said that their marriage was mostly mylar heart balloons and strawberry-scented rainbow burps, so she was totally blindsided when he eventually became Casper The Cunty Ghost by ghosting her and then filing for divorce. I’m sure Miranda will talk about all of this while once again accepting her Homewrecker of the Year award at the League of Extraordinary Homewreckers’ annual luncheon, but so far she hasn’t said much. But Staci is still talking, and yesterday she posted a tragic tale on Instagram about Evan pulling an asshole-ified “touch me in the morning and then just walk away” move by sweeping into her life before exiting again a week later.
Here’s some Donald Trump news, but don’t worry: this is the least-worst Donald Trump news you can be getting. No one’s human rights are being taken away, so that automatically makes this top-5 in terms of best news stories about him.
CNN reports that Trump will likely make Americana a focus of the coming redesign of Air Force One. Trump is apparently sick of what he calls the “Jackie Kennedy color” of Air Force One. The John F. Kennedy administration is the last time Air Force One got a redesign. Trump wants to add red to the current blue and white design. They have a source who says the Donald “is deeply involved in the conversation about a redesign of the aircraft“.
ScarJo… ScarJo… ScarJo…
It hasn’t even been a year since Scarlett Johansson had to shart up a bullshit response after she got dragged to and fro for whitewashing the lead role in Ghost in the Shell, a cinematic turd that caused a giant splash in the toilet bowl of box office bombs by flopping hard. ScarJo’s kink must be to piss people off with her role choices, because the Queen of Cinematic Appropriation is back at it. ScarJo has made a decision that’s almost as bad as her decision to continue to get her hair cut like Laura Bush if Laura Bush got a haircut from a drugged-up raccoon with arthritis.
ScarJo and her partner in pissing people off, Rupert Sanders, who directed Ghost in the Shell, are teaming up again for a story about a trans man. ScarJo is playing the trans man, and after getting dingles thrown at her for that decision, she decided it would be a very good idea to catch those dingles, set them on fire and throw them back.