As expected, Juicy Joe (more like Extra Juicy Joe because he looks like he chewed a piece of Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum for breakfast) and his gorilla grifting partner Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey did the walk of shamelessness into the Federal Courthouse in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to fraud as part of a plea deal. Juicy and Teresa actually had to repeat the word “guilty” a few times, because the judge had a hard time hearing them over the sound of Melissa Gorga loudly fapping and cackling at the same time in the back row of the court room.
NorthJersey.com says that Juicy Joe pled guilty to 5 counts of fraud and Teresa pled guilty to 4 counts. Last July, they were charged with 41 counts of fraud for faking pay stubs and W-2s to get $5 million in different types of loans. Juicy Joe was also charged with not filing taxes from 2004 through 2008 even though he made around $1 million. They were facing up to 50 years in the chokey, but under the plea deal, Juicy Joe could sit in prison for at least 3 years and Teresa could be making fake tanner out of roach shit and orange peels in prison for 21 to 27 months. In my earlier post about this messiness, I said that there was talk that Teresa could only get probation, but apparently she’s looking at spending time in prison, so she should start practicing stuffing her coochie with the contraband rhinestone and gold accessories she’ll need to properly accessorize her orange jumpsuit.
Sentencing isn’t until July 8th and the judge doesn’t have to stick with the perimeters of the plea deal.
If Juicy and Teresa didn’t take the plea deal, they would’ve gone to trial on April 14th. Since most humans hate these two dumb bitches and the feds had mountains of shit on them, they probably would’ve been found guilty of many of the charges and Bravo would’ve had to fast-track The Real Cellmates of The Edna Mahan Correctional Facility For Women. So these two brain-dead con chimps really had no other choice but to take the deal.
I wonder where Juicy and Teresa’s daughters will go since they are bitch fighting with most of their family members. You know, if Juicy and Teresa left their girls in their big ass mansion to fend for themselves and the power, gas and water was eventually shut off and all they had to eat were wet leaves and a bunch of mice took pity upon them and started to care for them, they’d probably be better off than being raised by these two fuck sores.
Here’s Extra Juicy Joe and Greta Gremlin walking into court today. In Teresa’s defense, she did show the court that she’s not overspending like normal by wearing a coat she made herself with Juicy Joe’s shaved-off butt hairs.
ABC News says that on Tuesday morning in a court room in New Jersey, the grifting beasts that are Teresa and Joe Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey will both plead guilty to fraud. Juicy and Teresa probably know they’re fucked every which way, because they agreed to a plea deal with the U.S. Attorney’s office. The sad news is that Teresa will probably not live out the real version of Orange is the New Black (her prison name would’ve been HalfHead), because there’s a chance she’ll serve little to no jail time. Lady prisoners won’t get to taste Teresa’s homemade lasagna made out of government cheese and saltines, and cooked on a radiator.
Back in July, Juicy Joe and Teresa were charged with 41 counts of fraud for defrauding lenders, illegally obtaining mortgages, falsifying documents and all sorts of other shady shit. They were both facing up to half a century in prison. But that’s not going to happen if the judge accepts the plea deal on Tuesday. Teresa will plead guilty to four charges. ABC News says that Teresa faces up to two years in prison, but InTouch Weekly says that she’s only looking at 5 years probation max. Juicy Joe will get a minimum of 5 years in prison and they’ll have to pay $11 million in restitution. InTouch says that Juicy Joe, who’s not a US citizen, won’t be kicked back to Italy, but ABC News says US immigration officials haven’t made a decision yet. They’ll decide after Juicy Joe is convicted and sentenced.
As much as I wanted to see Teresa accessorize an orange jumpsuit with rhinestone buttons and a gold ribbon belt, I didn’t think she’d get any prison time. No judge is cruel enough to force criminals to share a confined space with that crazy, soul-killing bitch. But how in the hell are they going to pay that $11 million, because you know they aren’t going to sell that gaudy mansion. We should all brace ourselves, because Teresa is going to whore her whole family out like she’s never whored them out before. Or she’s going to dump Juicy Joe and use her feminine beast wiles to snag a richer chimp.
iPhone, meet your new wallpaper. If you put an empty Corona bottle in his hand and replaced that ugly ass casino carpet with dead grass, that would be my uncle at the end of every family gathering. Shit, that’s me at the end of every gathering.
Coochies got wet and laughs came flying out of mouths at Caesars Windsor in Windsor, Ontario, Canada last night when George Lopez’s drunk, juicy, bloated gut hung out as he took a little sweet nectar-induced nap on the floor. That picture is the reason why I’m choking on cackles today. CTV News says that police put George in handcuffs at 10:49pm for being messy and drunk in public. TMZ says that George wasn’t charged with anything, but he was thrown in the drunk tank to dry out. George performed at Caesars right before he did the funniest thing he’s ever done and he’s supposed to perform again there tonight.
Somewhere, George Lopez’s scorned ex-wife and her one kidney are laughing and laughing at the sight of her hooker-fucking piece of trash ex-husband being down and out in Windsor. And this goes without saying, but about this time tomorrow TMZ will report that Carlos Mencia was arrested for public intoxication after drunkenly passing out on the floor of Caesars Windsor. The Windsor PD should go ahead and leave a space empty in the drunk tank for Carlos.
As empty cans of Fix-A-Flat laid on the floor next to Kim Kartrashian, she got North West to transcribe a rant on Twitter (because we know that bitch can’t read or write) directed at all the tabloids who say she injects her fat ass with something other than man chowder and is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery. The tabloids did get the second part right. She doesn’t spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery. That bitch spends MILLION of dollars on rotating, stretching and filling her body with man-made materials. The fame whore who spends a mountain of money on “conforming” to society’s beauty standards and, as Joel McHale always put it, is only famous for having a sex tape and a fat ass shat out this shitty rant. Kanye, the bitch ain’t.
I’m seeing all these nonsense tabloids claiming I have butt implants-injections. Get a life! Using pics of me 15lbs skinnier (before I had my baby) comparing to me now! I still have weight to lose. Anyone who has had a baby knows how hard it is to lose weight(especially the last bit of weight) & your body totally changes! Making fun of me pregnant & making fun of me trying to lose weight now shame on you. I’m not perfect but I will never conform to your skinny standards sorry! Not me. And BTW I’ve lost a lot so far & I’m proud of that! Don’t give young girls a complex!
All that coming from a dumb ho who poses in staged and Photoshopped bikini photo-ops for the tabloids and runs her own stupid Instagram pictures through the Photoshop machine… Yeah okay, bitch. Lying bitch cares about the body image of young girls as much as Kanye cares about other people who aren’t named Kanye. The chemically-enhanced farts that come out of Kim’s chemically-enhanced ass fuel the Kardashian whore train and this bitch knows it. She’s just crying to get more attention, but she loves it all. Every week when the tabloids come out, she buys several copies of the ones she’s on the cover of and gets her assistants to run them through the shredder and boil them until they turn to paste. Then she injects that tabloid paste into her ass. That’s how much she loves the attention.
Dear Heather Mills, Elin Nordegren, Jon Cryer’s ex-wife and all the other platinum level gold diggers out there who think they have won the game, a new challenger you knew was a shady motherfucker (but didn’t know was this shady) has arrived AND HOW! Eddie Cibrian lives in a multi-million dollar mansion with his partner in shameless fuckery Falkor Rimes, probably has a wallet full of limit-less credit cards and you know he gets millions of dollars in royalties from his finest artistic achievement 3Deep, but it’s still not enough and now he’s apparently trying to shake down his ex-wife for some cash. Some hardcore gold diggers have the game so deeply ingrained in them that they just can’t stop gold digging and will even shake down a trick who’s got less cash than him. I don’t know whether to give him a standing ovation or give him two standing ovations, because that is a new kind of shameless.
Brandi Glanville whined on Twitter today about how people keep throwing hate at her for airing her divorce shit in book after book and while doing so she said that Eddie is trying to get child support from her. Poor Brandi. She’s just a fame whore trying to make a dollar from being a mess and her asshole slut of an ex-husband keeps kicking her down. As the cackle from a luck dragon filled the night sky, Brandi tweeted this:
2 all these young unmarried bloggers writing about getting over divorce¬ seeing ur children grow up 1/2 the time,walk a mile in my shoes.
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014
Im not taking cheap shots at my ex in my new book cuz its all true,&now mr fancy new cars&house man is asking ME for child support!Uknownada
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014
everytime I take 1 step frwd I get a lawyers letter that takes me 3 steps back so wen people say move on, I say 2 my ex LET ME! Just STOP
— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) February 18, 2014
Eddie would totally knee a homeless puppy in the face, snatch its change cup and run off if he needed the cash, but I don’t know if I totally believe this. I mean, I don’t know Eddie and Brandi’s custody situation, so I don’t even know if he can ask for child support. I figured that Brandi got the kids most of the time and Eddie got the kids a few hours a week for photo-ops. Maybe Eddie needs extra spending cash to discreetly spend on his side whores, because that whiny mess LeAnn always asks him why there’s so many charges to the Peninsula Hotel on their credit card bill. Hey, Eddie, if you need cash that bad, just scream at LeAnn, “Hey, paparazzi over there,” and while she’s looking away pull a few gold coins out of her saddle bag. It works EVERY time.
UPDATE: Eddie’s spokeswhore (yes, he still has one) tells UsWeekly that he’s not trying to get money out of Brandi:
“There is no truth to the claims that Eddie has requested child support from Brandi now, nor will he ever request child support from his ex-wife. The notion is preposterous. This is yet another ploy for self-promotion.”
The brain dead child that Stuart from MadTV conceived while high on battery acid and bath salts is not even a week into her
Bangerz Trapped Clit and Muppet Porn World Tour and bitch has already taken shit to new disgusting and gross levels of SUCIO. That picture is so damn blurry that if you told me it was a 19-year-old Aaron Carter smoking meth out of a dick-shaped pipe or Justin Bieber chewing on a phallic-ass teething ring, I wouldn’t accuse you of telling lies. But Popdust says that it’s a picture of Miley putting a thong in her mouth after a fan threw it on stage at her show in Tacoma, Washington last night. Random snatch saliva and ass crack nectar is what’s for dinner. A fan at Miley’s show tweeted this about Miley getting her daily serving of nutritional yeast.
OMFG SOMEONE JUST THREW THEIR THONG ON STAGE AND MILEY PUT IT IN HER MOUTH!!!!!
— smiler. (@JasonTrannn) February 17, 2014
Gross ass chonies-eating slag. Whatever, I’m sure this was all just a choreographed stunt to make Miley look SO EDGY and SO HARD, but my thoughts and prayers are really with that thong. That poor thong is the innocent victim in all of this. Do you know how many gallons of hot water and how many scoops of powdered bleach it’s going to take get Miley’s thrush gunk out of its cotton patch? Nobody’s thinking about the poor thong.
And please don’t say that Billy Ray Cyrus probably threw that thong. I’m going to hit the stop button before we get to the part where the camera pans into the audience and Billy Ray winks at us after throwing that thong on stage.
Right above “wearing UGGs with coochie cutters,” “driving a pink car when your government name is not Angelyne or you’re not one of Mary Kay’s top associates” should be against the law in L.A. THIS IS ILLEGAL!
The permanent oozing herp sore on humanity’s peen tip that is Parasite Hilton drove up to Barney’s yesterday in one of the only cars big enough to hold her hooves. While dressed like a vapid piece of spoiled trash who’s daddy made her get a job in his real estate firm as a junior agent, Wonks got out of her pink slime Bentley in Beverly Hills. Angelyne doesn’t only have a gift for showing civilization what true glamour is, but she also has a gift for impeccable timing. Because while Wonky was doing that, Angelyne was in front of a newsstand in Hollywood showing basic bland whores like Wonky how a true goddess gets out of a pink chariot.
Face up, tits out, legs crossed. GAME POINT!
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
The little brats on the park playground who give Justin Bieber a wedgie when he’s hanging upside down on the jungle gym better bow down and pay respect the next time he waddles onto the sand, because he’s a bona fide international hood rat stuff crime boss now that he’s been busted for doing bad things in three different places. The Biebs is being investigated in L.A. for run-by egging his neighbor’s house, he’s being investigated in Miami for drunken drag racing and now he’s been charged in Toronto for whooping a limo driver’s ass in December. Wild Boyz are taking over the world! When they come to your door and demand that you give them 15 Goldfish crackers to live in their turf, you better give it to them or they’ll start crying and throw a tantrum and trust me you don’t want that.
CBC News says that on December 29th, a limo driver picked up the Biebs and his entourage of douche scabs at the Air Canada Centre and shortly afterward some kind of fight went down. The police were called and they originally thought that one of the Biebs’ bitches beat on the limo driver. But I guess the police realized that one of Justin’s hos was covering up for him, because they wanted to speak to him. They scheduled an interview with him, but since he’s about as cooperative as a giant hemorrhoid covering my b-hole, he didn’t show. The police didn’t want to play around anymore, so they ordered the Biebs to show up to the 52 Division police station tonight. The Biebs showed up and they booked him for assault. He’ll be released and have to come back to Toronto for a hearing.
The only thing I’m taking away from this story is that Justin Bieber is in Canada right now. That’s half the battle. Close the borders! Shut down the gates! Lock him out while we still can! Actually, that’s not fair to Canada. How about we trade Justin Bieber for Rob Ford? If Rob Ford, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen lived in this country together, the nation’s entire supply of crack would dwindle and they’d start turning on each other. It’s the perfect plan.
Paging Justin Bieber’s Au Pair! He Dropped A Doody In His Trash Pants And He’s Kind Of Upset About It
After Justin Bieber celebrated baby’s first mug shot with his enabling douche leech of a daddy in Miami, he and his entourage of assholian hanger-oners, including his drag racing co-pilot Chantel Jeffries, took their asses over to Panama where he’s currently assaulting the beaches by doing shit like this. When the Biebs isn’t showing the seagulls how real thugs thug by speeding his pimped out Big Wheels along the beach, he’s shooting homemade music videos. While wearing culottes by Hefty, the toddler piece of trash in a trash bag shot this emotional scene where he reaches down to his crotch and reacts to not feeling anything. The hand says “error 404″ and the face says “Console me, Uncie Usher!” It’s his greatest performance yet.
In other Wild Kidz news, TMZ says that douche levels in Calabasas will soon drop by at least 50%, because the Biebs is going to sell his Palace of Sizzurpy Dreams and terrorize another zip code. The house hasn’t been listed yet, but the Beliebers have already offered everything in their piggy banks for it. I hope the Biebs sells to them, because if he does they’ll lick every wall and floor tile, and that could take a while. It will keep them busy.
The L.A. Times also reports that February 14th has been set as the date for the Biebs’ arraignment hearing in Miami. Happy VD! It’s going to be a strange Valentine’s Day for 5th grade teachers. Every 5th grade classroom will be filled with sad Valentine’s Day decorations and confused teachers will shuffle around their empty room, not knowing what to do with themselves, because all of their students will be at home praying to their Bieber altar while watching TMZ’s live stream from the court room. But please, nothing’s going to happen at that hearing. The Biebs doesn’t even have to be there. All charges will be dropped and we’ll have a reason to get extra boozed up that night. You better buy two extra bottles of Andre now.