In other news, I think this might be the first time a Kardashian used a four-syllable word.
Kris Jenner’s fourth favorite income tax write-off, Khloe Kardashian, is on Ellen on Monday to pimp out her self-help book, Shield Your Eyes, I’m About To Get Naked. And because asking a Kardashian talk about books usually ends with a with a glazed-over look on their face and a “404-what is reading???” error flashing across their brain, Ellen DeGeneres changed the subject from her book to that sad mess with Lamar Odom.
E! News pretty much shot a million more holes into Brooks Ayers’ “I swear I’ve got cancer” claims yesterday when they posted proof that he faked his chemotherapy bills and got a rep from City of Hope to confirm that they’ve never treated the slimy douche dingle from the Real Housewives of Orange County. Brooks told E! News last week that he does have cancer and he showed them chemotherapy bills from City of Hope as proof. But after getting called out, Brooks admitted to E! that the chemotherapy bills he showed them were as real as whatever the hell Vicki Gunvalson put in her face.
On the Real Housewives of Orange County last season, a huge chunk of time was spent on whether or not Vicki Gunvalson’s (now ex) piece Brooks Ayers was and is faking cancer. New Housemess and piece of dehydrated celery, Meghan King Edmonds, was one of the first to say that something in the milk ain’t cancer. In one of the earlier episodes, a psychic told Meghan, Tamra Judge and Heather Dubrow that shifty and shady Brooks doesn’t have cancer. They decided to investigate that shit and stopped short of hiring Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of everything. Meanwhile, Brooks and Vicki kept insisting that he has the Big C and those demonic hags will rot (well, not really rot since plastic doesn’t do that) in hell for accusing a poor, sick man of faking the sicks. Brooks recently claimed he got chemotherapy treatments at City of Hope and he provided the receipts. But well, City of Hope has released a statement saying, “We don’t know the bitch.”
Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.
The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.
We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar
Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.
Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.
In the event you were looking for a definition for the word “Shameless“, I think I can help you out. Dennis Hof, the dude who owns the Nevada brothel where Lamar Odom was found unconscious and Pimp Mama Kris’ biggest competition for the person who is being the most tacky during this whole ordeal, has once again opened his mouth and coughed up a pile of stink. You would have thought he had gotten it all out during that appearance on Nancy Grace, but apparently not.
Kanye West, the real-life version of OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD, is very mad about something and wants you to know about it. Last night, Kanye took a break from his usual Friday night routine (reassuring Kim Kardashian that she’s still the most beautiful factory-made fuck doll while staring at himself in a reflective surface) to hop on Twitter and rage hard against Kanye’s latest foe: IN-APP PURCHASES! Sorry, Hatfields and McCoys, but you’ve clearly been replaced as American history’s most hard-core feud.
It all started after Kanye and Kim’s tax write-off (“Miscellaneous photography expense“) North West wandered away from the nanny’s quarters and into Daddy’s room with her iPad. I guess North’s money manager, Pimp Granny Kris Jenner, forgot to link up her My First Black Card with the App Store, because she kept getting notices for in-app purchases on the game she was playing and brought it to Daddy’s attention.
Apparently, Kanye isn’t into hustling little kids for money. So Kanye did what Kanye does when Kanye is mad: Kanye ranted on Twitter about it. “Oh shit” thought Kim while kounting the mountain of kash she makes off the 12-year-olds who hit BUY on every in-app purchase notification in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.
If you can’t with Kanye today, just let the hipster lumberjack behind him express your thoughts and feelings for you so you can keep it moving. And no, I don’t know if that’s stretched-out pizza dough or a big cum web on Kanye’s body.
Kanye West must not know who Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren, Yohji Yamamoto and Robert Cavalli are, because he thinks it’s hard out there for a straight dude in the fashion world. Kanye did a 2-hour long interview for SHOWStudio’s “In Camera” series (via HuffPo) and strangely enough, after 25 minutes of listening to him talk, the interviewer didn’t bang her head against the floor until her skull cracked. She made it through the whole interview and was able to ask Kanye about ~fashion~. Kanye thinks that the fashion industry discriminated against him and not because he strolled on in there thinking he was the reincarnation of Coco Chanel and designed overpriced clothes that look like zombie rags. Kanye was discriminated against because he doesn’t like dick like that.
“I feel like I got discriminated in fashion for not being gay. In music, you definitely get discriminated in music if you are gay. It takes amazing talents to break down barriers. Everyone thought that when Frank Ocean dropped that it was going to be bad for his career. I feel like it’s so cliché to speak about him as it relates to this subject, but there are people who broke the ground and he broke the ground. The people that break the stereotypes make history.”
Oh, how I wish I was a fly on a wall in Givenchy’s offices, because I really want to see the look on Riccardo Tisci’s face right about now…
Stephenie Meyer must have gotten sick of copy cat bitches (see: E.L. James) stealing her brilliant literary ideas and multi-dimensional characters, so she decided to join them by copying herself.
Since it was Twilight’s 10th anniversary yesterday, many Twihards thought that Stephenie would give them the gift of Midnight Sun, the story of Twatlight told from Edward Cullen’s perspective. But Stephenie has given them something even better. Stephenie has “reimagined” Twilight by swapping the genders of the main characters. Stephenie worked tirelessly on reworking her literary masterpiece and by that I mean she pretty much kept everything the same and used the “find and replace” function to change the names “Bella” and “Edward” to “Beau” and “Edythe.” Yes, Bella is now Beau and Edward is Edythe. I love it! Edythe sounds like the name of a grouchy old conservative memaw and Beau sounds like the name of the mischievous mutt she was forced to take care of after her husband died. The names are perfect!
The knocked-up talking Malibu Stacy doll (“Thinking is hard. Let’s go shopping”) known as Kim Kardashian made an appearance at Givenchy’s first-ever NYFW show last night, because of course she did. She was probably dropping off Kanye West’s overnight bag to Riccardo Tisci’s assistant and decided “What the hell, I might as well stick around and see what kind of foolery Kanye will be replacing my wardrobe with.”
Apparently the Givenchy show was a tribute to 9/11 and it opened with a one-hour art performance thing directed by Marina Abramovic. Which sort of explains why Kim showed up looking like she did; you gotta work extra hard for attention when you’re up against all that. I don’t know what look Kim was going for – excuse me – what look Kanye was going for, but I’m guessing either ‘dancer from a The Craft-themed strip club in mourning after her favorite client died’ or ‘slutty drawing of a Victorian-era hot air balloon.’
But really, I have no idea what is going on in the stomach area of Kim’s outfit. It looks like her pregnant belly is awkwardly trying to cover itself up with those panties. Although to be honest, if I were that baby and I found out the person I’m living in went out in public looking like that, I’d try to hide too.
Regardless of whatever I’m looking at, I do know there’s a very angry Pimp Mama Kris Jenner storming around the Kardashian Khompound, demanding to know who took the curtains from her boudoir.
Here’s more of Kim in Morticia Addams cosplay (if all cosplay items were dug out of a dumpster behind a Frederick’s of Hollywood’s outlet store, of course) at the Givenchy show with Riccardo’s #1 fan, Kanye.
You’ll never believe this, but it was Pride in Atlanta last week and at one of the events, gay dudes showed up. I know, it’s like going to Coachella and seeing chicks in flower crowns and coochie cutters rolling on Molly. CRAZY!
Melissa Scott, a party promoter who is co-founder of the entertainment group Traxx Girls, tells Georgia Voice that Chris Brown was booked to make an appearance at a lesbian Pride party over the weekend. Fisty was supposed to introduce Teyana Taylor, who is currently on tour with him. The Traxx Girls put the sore on humanity’s right labia lip on their flyer and used his name to promote the event. On the night of the event, The Difficult Brown supposedly showed up to the venue, but refused to enter, because he found out that gay dudes were inside. Well, at least we know that gay dudes are Chris Brown’s kryptonite and if we never want him to leave the house again, we should just line his front yard with nothing but gays. I’ll gladly volunteer.