Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.
After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.
So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.
TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.
And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:
Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.
Kirk Cameron has been on a roll lately. The child star turned evangelical turd is on a mission to save Christmas (and whatever is left os his diarrhea dingle of a career) and he recently shat up a stocking coal of a movie called Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Kirk’s latest shit show is only at 8% (with an audience score of 39%) on Rotten Tomatoes and most critics say watching it is like opening up a box full of wet dog caca. Kirk has been begging his “fans” to flood Rotten Tomatoes with positive reviews to bring his movie’s percentage up. It’s what Jesus would want them to do. While in the middle of desperately trying to take his movie from rotten to fresh, Everything Is Terrible posted an entertainingly fucked up supercut of Kirk Cameron and some other dude talking about gays on The Way Of The Master Television.
When we last left the sad puddle of diarrhea and rotten sketti sauce that is the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo saga, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell had told Entertainment Tonight that she feels betrayed by Not The Mama June and it hurts seeing her pathetic excuse for a mother smiling while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the corroded ass wart who molested her when she was a little girl. Since then Anna told Dr. Drew on his HLN show that June the Hutt’s second youngest daughter Pumpkin thinks Mark McDaniel is her father. Anna said that June the Hutt has made Pumpkin believe that Mark McDaniel is her dad and that is why Pumpkin is pissed off at her right now.
Well, the creature whom Kelly LeBrock turned into a mountain of wet shit many years ago gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight and said that the convicted sex offender who molested Anna isn’t Pumpkin’s father, but a different convicted sex offender is. June the Hutt really does love those pedos. The National Sex Offender Registry is her Tinder.
No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.
Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag. That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.
Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.
Us Weekly says that Rizzoli Publishing, the poor unfortunate soul who drew the short straw when it came to deciding who would take one for the team and publish Selfish, recently released more information regarding Kim Kardashian’s book of drowsy porn face selfies, including a description of the book and an “About the Author”.
“About the Author” – HA! As if Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t dedicated her life to making sure we know everything about Kim from the top of her Botoxed forehead down to her Botoxed butt hole. But in the event you’re one of the lucky ones and you have no idea who Kim Kardashian is, allow Rizzoli to tell you all about the “author” of Selfish:
“A new mom to her daughter, North, and happily married to the rapper Kanye West, Kim Kardashian is on top of the world, and this collection of hand-picked images from her personal archive is a tribute to her fans who have supported her through her very highly publicized journey.”
Kanye usually gets the final say in everything Kim does, so I’m shocked that he didn’t call up Rizzoli and tell them he’d write the “About the Author” section himself. Or maybe he did!
“ABOUT THE AUTHOR – SHIT, I SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE AUTHOR! BITCH WAS ON THE COVER OF VOGUE! SHE’S THE MOST FAMOUS FASHION ICON OF ALL TIME! KIM MOTHERFUCKING KARDASHIAN! WIFE OF KANYE! MOTHER OF THAT CONFUSED-LOOKING BABY THAT I NAMED AFTER A DIRECTION!”
Here’s more of the future Margaret Atwood (may god strike me down for ever writing such blasphemy) having lunch with her kurrent husband Kanye this afternoon in New York, as well as looking like a slutty attorney last night.
NOOOOOOO! Say it ain’t so! STOP THE RIDE, I WANT TO GET OFF. I don’t want to live in a world without The Deaner’s derpy mug gracing my TV screen every week! I mean, not that it currently is (come on, I don’t watch that shit); but what if I wanted to start? Again, not that I would. STILL! This news is breaking my little beady-eyed sex possum loving heart! During an interview with Access Hollywood Live yesterday, The Deaner answered the question “What’s crappenin’?” by admitting he was saying smell ya later to True Tori barely 3 episodes in to the second season:
“We have five more shows left. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep opening a vein, opening my soul and sharing my feelings and thoughts and demons with the world. I don’t watch it. I can’t. It’s really difficult. I can’t do it anymore, for my soul.”
However, that doesn’t mean he’s also saying sayonara to his Admiral Ackbar-in-drag wife; The Deaner made it very clear to Billy Bush and The Other One that The Deaner is still in love with his long-term paycheck Tori Spelling.
The Deaner also confessed that True Tori had taken a pretty heavy emotional toll on him; The Deaner says that at one point, he was so depressed after Tori caught him passing his possum parts to random tricks, that he ended up driving around in his truck one night with a 9mm handgun, which then lead to The Deaner being held under a 5150 hold at the UCLA psych ward. Damn, shit just got dark.
But back to The Deaner quitting True Tori. I wonder how he did it? Oh, what do you know – I just so happen to have a copy of the email he sent Lifetime right here!
What up skanks? Listen, The Deaner’s got some bad news for ya. The Deaner needs to cool it with the reality show for a bit. Acting is hard work! And when it comes to working hard, The Deaner’s more of a “hardly working” type, you feel me? Listen, if you still need me for a couple scenes, I’ll be out back in the hammock with a brewski resting on the ol’ pork sword.
Honestly, True Tori is so fake, I bet they’ll just re-cast The Deaner, Bewitched-style, and pretend we won’t notice.
But if this leads to Shauna Sand starring in an NBC show titled Bad Mom, Lorenzo Lamas will be my #1 hero and the maker of my dreams.
In the meantime, the ticketing machine in the Ninth Circle of Hell is printing out a special VIP ticket with Lorenzo Lamas’ name on it, because TMZ says that he’s still trying to get custody of his three daughters with the Empress of Lucite and has accused her of being a shitty role model and mother. Will somebody please rip off Lorenzo Lamas’ too-tight t-shirt, because it’s obviously cutting off the circulation to his brain and is causing him not to think right. How can he think that an earth goddess who educates all of the children in the important subject of elegance is a bad mom?! Lorenzo Lamas is a bad human for slandering the Empress of Lucite like that.
I don’t know if I should prep you all by issuing an EXTREME DOUCHEBAG ALERT for this story, or just assume you already did that on your own when you saw Chris Brown’s face up there, but either way – extreme douchebag alert.
According to TMZ, society’s impacted wisdom tooth Chris Brown got all kinds of ragey after hearing that Adrienne Bailon was talking shit about his girlfriend Karrueche Tran yesterday on The Real. I guess the topic was assholes and the dum-dums who love them, because Adrienne shot out that the reason someone like Karrueche stays with someone like Chris despite the fact that he’s as pleasant as an infected toenail, is because she and her friends love the fame and all the perks that come with hanging around Chris Brown (if you can think of any, feel free to email me).
Once Chris found out someone was throwing shade at his lady, he took to Instagram to post a picture of Adrienne (which he later deleted) calling her a “trout mouth ass bitch“, as well as accusing her of keeping her legs open to married men and humping on a Kardashian (Rob) for fame. He also came for Adrienne’s The Real co-host Tamar Braxton, calling her a “Muppet face ass” and “the ugly sister“. Ooooh, RUDE DOT COM!
But even after he deleted the picture, he wasn’t done mouth-barfing hot shit. He then posted a video of himself to Instagram hissing that everybody is entitled to their opinion, that sometimes you’re the bug and sometimes you’re the windshield, and “what you drink don’t make me piss”, whatever the fuck that even means. Us Weekly says Karrueche then added to the drama by Instagramming a picture of herself and commenting: “Unlike most of you… I could care less about the opinions of others.. Drama doesn’t amuse me – so yes @tamarbraxton I do have a voice, just not like yours.. However my bf I can’t speak for.. We all know he has no chill.” No, don’t worry Karrueche – nobody has forgotten that your aggressive face-punching asshole boyfriend has “no chill.”
This fight is beyond.com. Trout mouth ass bitch? Muppet face ass??? As in, Tamar’s ass looks like the face of a Muppet? That doesn’t even make sense. Chris Brown, get your life! No, seriously, you’re too old for this shit.
Don’t worry guys, she means the family fashion business. I know, I got nervous for a second there too.
Even though North West is barely 16 months old, it sounds like Kim Kardashian has already started planning out how she will click-clack make that money. Kim has stated in the past that she expects North to work like she had to growing up (cut to teenage Kim fishing quarters out of the fountain at the Beverly Center and dropping them into a jar marked “KIMBERLY’S BUTT FUND”), but recently she told ITN (via The Daily Mail) that she hopes that North will follow in her footsteps and become a fashion designer. This just in: Kim thinks her job is ‘fashion designer’. When asked if she’d ever consider letting her favorite fashion accessory design some hooker-looking clothes for TRASH by Kim Kardashian (or whatever the hell it’s called), Kim answered:
“I would if she has good style, she’d have to prove herself. She’d have to show me that she wants to work, but that would be in years and years and years. So we have some time. I hope the collection grows until then and maybe one day she can take over.”
I know Kim hopes her klothing kollekshun grows into a too-tight cheap n’ tacky empire by the time North is old enough to start working, but North is no dummy (I’ve seen that “Hooker, PLEASE” look on her face every time she’s photographed with her mother). I’m sure North is hoping that years and years from now, there will be a worldwide drought of cheap polyester and her mom’s klothing line will go out of business. Then she can go into the other family business: mass-producing next-level glamour with Grampa Bruce.
Here’s North’s mom (looking like a cross between The Incredible Mr. Limpet and a Real Doll) and North’s dad on their way to a tech conference in San Francisco yesterday. Yes, someone hired The Human Butt to speak at a tech conference. I guess the Dancing Baby had a previous commitment.
Aspiring drowsy-faced pimp mama and current drowsy-faced hooker Kim Kardashian celebrated her 34th birthday last night at Tao in Las Vegas, and even though she’s another year older, she proved she’s still just as cheap n’ tacky as ever by arriving with her sloppy spray-tanned tits hanging out of her dress. I know it’s Las Vegas, but why do I get the feeling that even the drunkest, messiest pieces of trash on the strip would look at Kim and think “Put them away, hooker!” What in the world is she wearing? She looks like a slutty mummy (change one letter, and that statement is 100% accurate).
Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris instructed Kim to make a little extra cash while she was in Vegas by “entertaining” some wealthy gentlemen looking for the come-to-life knock-off Real Doll experience. All she has to do is park Kanye Kardashian at a slot machine with a cup of change and promise she’ll be back before they put the scrambled eggs out at the breakfast buffet.
And can you believe that Kim and her Charmin-covered chichis weren’t actually the messiest messes at her birthday party? That honor goes to Kim’s old understudy Khloe Kardashian, who showed up wearing a gold grill and 8 layers of bronzer caked onto her forehead:
Well, I think we finally know who Khloe’s real father is! NO! Jaws would never! He may be an evil henchman, but even he draws the line at hooking up with that evil rubber-faced viper Pimp Mama Kris!
Here’s more of Kim looking like a poorly-iced Lady Baltimore cake (I picked Lady Baltimore, because Kim is used to being covered in nuts) with her kurrent husband Kanye, as well as Khloe serving up bath salts brothel madame realness with Salacious B. Cheban last night: