Some dudes choke the chicken and others like Justin Bieber choke the cock.
Dried smegma dingle Justin Bieber shat up this picture on Instagram of him getting kinky with fellow shit head Chris Brown. I know, these two were in the same room together and nobody unleashed a hungry tiger into the room before locking the door. What is wrong with people?!
Those two really go together like an enema and a bowel full of hard shit. But who knew that Justin Bieber is the dom and Chris Brown is the sub in that relationship? These two look like they’re getting into some rough trade in the backroom of the worst S&M club ever. This is like something out of Fifty Shades of Douche. If you were browsing disgusting pictures on 4Chan (example: a picture of My Little Pony disintegrating in a jar of jizz, etc…) and laid eyes on this picture, you’d probably say, “Nope. TOO FAR.” If this picture wasn’t gross enough, the Biebs upped the grossness with this little air kiss blown at Chris Brown:
Had fun with the homey @Chrisbrownofficial
E! thinks that the picture is tasteless and insensitive since The Difficult Brown punched and choked RiRi in 2009. Did they expect anything less?
The Biebs and Fist Brown are having fun and sharing their kinky homey love on Instagram today, but we all know how this is going to play out. They’re going to break up and Fist Brown is going to accuse the Biebs of fucking Wheelchair Jimmy in Toronto.
The only thing that’s really missing is Parasite Hilton’s tongue on his mouth and Robin Thicke humping his ass (insert JealousUsher.Gif here).
Justin Bieber took a break from ruining the health and lives of animals to bleach his mop blond. He’s just being Miley! All that bleach and he still looks sucio. If the Biebs was going for “Vanilla Ice’s bleached asshole,” then he nailed it. But whatever, the Beliebers (yes, those still exist) seem to love it and are fapping over his “6th grade dropout who ran away from his Florida trailer park home at 16 and traded ass for meth at truck stops throughout the south” look (in other words, the Aaron Carter look). The most tragic thing about the Biebs’ new look is his eyebrow situation. Bitch, you ain’t Mariel Hemingway. You can’t work the blond hair/dark brows look.
In other constipated toddler douche news, Curbed says that the Biebs got a new house to go with his new look. He’s apparently spending $59,000 a month on a Beverly Hills mansion that looks like a Texas office park shit on a pile of vomit that a biotech lab barfed up. Well, the good news for Justin’s dogs is that I don’t see any balconies in these pictures.
Is anyone else super distracted by the gorgeous eyelashes on the human angel hovering over Mama June’s left shoulder? Just me? Ok.
Ketchup-dipped deep-fried mother of the year Mama June has been on the receiving end of some unwanted Facebook attention. You know, aside from the never-ending FarmVille requests and direct messages from prisoners that begin with “Hey, so I’m up for parole at the end of the month…“. According to TMZ, a dude named Andrew Kurt Summers threatened to shoot both Mama June and her daughter Pumpkin on Facebook. TMZ says Mama June told them she takes threats against her family very seriously (“Oh shit, we’re next!” screamed type 2 diabetes), so she called the cops.
But the police didn’t have to work very hard to find Andrew Kurt Summers; he turned himself in on Monday, and was later released on $15,000 bail. He now faces a charge of making “terroristic threats.” But Andrew Kurt Summers tells TMZ that he didn’t actually want to shoot Mama June and Pumpkin; according to Andrew, he left the comment about shooting Mama June and Pumpkin as a “joke” after hearing she was maybe dating a child molester and deciding to troll her Facebook page.
No word on who bailed Andrew Kurt Summers out, but my guess is it was Mama June. What? Andrew Kurt Summers is totally her type: a shady-looking dirtbag who is a danger to her children.
Seen above looking like a cast member in the all-Muppets version of a Stepford Wives remake, Teresa Giudice of The Real Grifters of New Jersey is as broke as her forehead and owes a shit load in restitution and has to pay the $13 million she and her husband Juicy Joe swindled from creditors. Where oh where are they going to get that money from? Teresa can’t try to get a $14 million loan using fake W2s, because every bank has got their number now. A leaked sex tape is out of the question since bestiality porn is still illegal. But don’t worry, Teresa’s got a genius plan. She’s suing her lawyer!
On Watch What Happens Live last month, Teresa cried and whined about how her lawyers sucked and they’re the reason why she’s going to jail for 15 months in January. Yeah, the fact that Teresa and Juicy Joe committed fraud has nothing to do with why they’re both going to the clink. It’s the lawyer’s fault! Teresa is really taking this “blame the lawyers” thing all the way, because Page Six says that she has filed a $5 million malpractice lawsuit against her bankruptcy lawyer James Kridel.
Teresa and Juicy Joe filed for bankruptcy in 2009, claiming they were $11 million in debt. Teresa claims in her lawsuit against Kridel that he screwed up the bankruptcy paperwork by not including her income, business interest, rental income and certain bank accounts. Kridel’s supposed fuck-up led to the feds’ investigation, which led to her going to the clink. via Page Six
“Kridel failed to perform a reasonable investigation concerning the petition, schedules and statement of financial affairs,” the suit says.
The Madison Avenue lawyer’s “failure to exercise that degree of reasonable knowledge and skill that lawyers of ordinary ability and skill possess” caused her lost income, legal fees, botched business deals and public ridicule, the suit says.
That didn’t cause her public ridicule. Teresa being Teresa on reality TV caused her public ridicule.
Teresa is screaming malpractice and wants $5 million from Kridel.
Yes, everyone knows that Teresa is going to prison because of Teresa, but maybe she’s on to something. Suing her bankruptcy lawyer is a good start, but she really should go all out and blame everybody but herself. Teresa should sue the makers of the pen she used to sign those documents, because they obviously played a part in her downfall. She should also sue the makers of the paper those documents were printed on. She should sue the creator of currency and the founders of the banks she and Juicy Joe swindled, because she might not be going to jail if they didn’t exist. Finally, she should sue the government for making fraud illegal, because that law is just stupid.
Oh, and she might as well get a head start and sue the lawyer she’s using to sue her bankruptcy lawyer, because if the lawsuit gets thrown out it will be their fault. Sue them all, Tre!
Don’t worry, the dog is fine. Sure, he might suffer from chronic doggy lung damage after breathing in Justin Bieber’s douche fumes, but that has nothing to do with the two-storey fall off a balcony. But how did Justin Bieber’s dog end up being tossed over a balcony in the first place, you may be asking. According to TMZ, it all started a year ago when the human expired Go-Gurt tube and his father Jeremy adopted an American Bulldog puppy they named Karma. Yes, they gave their dog a stripper name. Would you expect anything less from these two dildos? Anyways, I guess Justin is still too little to take care of a puppy, so Karma went to live with Bieber Sr. in Canada. Because Justin is living proof that Jeremy is really good at raising things.
Once Karma moved up north, Jeremy hired a trainer to make sure the dog didn’t go all Cujo, but Karma was still a bit of a mess and he ended up biting one of Jeremy’s other kids, Jaxon. Karma’s trainer Trevor Dvernichuk says that’s when Jeremy allegedly grabbed Karma and threw him off a second storey balcony into a snowbank, hissing at Trevor to take the dog and not to bring him back till Karma is properly socialized.
The only problem (well, besides the fact that assholes are still allowed to own dogs) is that Trevor still has Karma and has been telling everyone that Justin and Jeremy pretty much abandoned his ass. However, Jeremy says Trevor stole Karma, and now he’s getting the police involved so he can get Karma back. Meanwhile in California, Karma’s other deadbeat daddy Justin Bieber is also dealing with the police, but it’s because somebody called the cops on him for being an obnoxious little shit on his skateboard.
Say it with me now: THIS FAMILY IS TRASH! Throwing a dog off a balcony? Hay-zoos, even Michael Vick is like “Errr…“. Although part of me thinks that Jeremy didn’t actually throw Karma off the balcony, but that Karma jumped to get away from those awful garbage people.
And I really hope that if Karma is returned to Jeremy, he lives up to his name and comes back to literally bite Jeremy in the ass.
Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.
After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.
So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.
TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.
And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:
Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.
Kirk Cameron has been on a roll lately. The child star turned evangelical turd is on a mission to save Christmas (and whatever is left os his diarrhea dingle of a career) and he recently shat up a stocking coal of a movie called Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas. Kirk’s latest shit show is only at 8% (with an audience score of 39%) on Rotten Tomatoes and most critics say watching it is like opening up a box full of wet dog caca. Kirk has been begging his “fans” to flood Rotten Tomatoes with positive reviews to bring his movie’s percentage up. It’s what Jesus would want them to do. While in the middle of desperately trying to take his movie from rotten to fresh, Everything Is Terrible posted an entertainingly fucked up supercut of Kirk Cameron and some other dude talking about gays on The Way Of The Master Television.
When we last left the sad puddle of diarrhea and rotten sketti sauce that is the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo saga, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell had told Entertainment Tonight that she feels betrayed by Not The Mama June and it hurts seeing her pathetic excuse for a mother smiling while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the corroded ass wart who molested her when she was a little girl. Since then Anna told Dr. Drew on his HLN show that June the Hutt’s second youngest daughter Pumpkin thinks Mark McDaniel is her father. Anna said that June the Hutt has made Pumpkin believe that Mark McDaniel is her dad and that is why Pumpkin is pissed off at her right now.
Well, the creature whom Kelly LeBrock turned into a mountain of wet shit many years ago gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight and said that the convicted sex offender who molested Anna isn’t Pumpkin’s father, but a different convicted sex offender is. June the Hutt really does love those pedos. The National Sex Offender Registry is her Tinder.
No wonder Beyonce’s last Instagram picture looked like it was ‘shopped with a half-broken version of Photoshop 0.07 full of dull and overused tools, because all of the Photoshop was used on this Paper Magazine cover of greasy trash coming out of a trash bag. RIP Adobe. We should’ve known you’d eventually spit out your last breath while pasting someone else’s waist on Kim Kartrashian’s extra glazed plastic ass.
Last night, thousands of people pushed away the plate of greasy, over-stuffed pork dumplings they were having for dinner and said, “Yeah no, I’m okay,” after seeing Kummy Kakes’ Photoshopped ass looking like a family of hairless warthogs oil wrestling in a trash bag. That picture of Kummy looking like a centaur Who was taken by Jean-Paul Goude who took several iconic pictures of Grace Jones back in the day.
Jean-Paul Goude also recreated his famous “champagne glass balancing on an ass” picture with Kim and it’s after the cut. Computers and fingers were broken while Photoshopping that shit.