Remember when I said that being a father to a human child could make Chris Brown retire his punching fist and convince him to stop being an itchy, oozing wart inside of humanity’s urethra? Well, I may have wasted precious keystrokes on that sentence, because Fist Brown is apparently terrorizing the world again.
TMZ says that at around 3:42 this morning, the Difficult Brown was playing a pick-up game of basketball at his suite in the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. (I know that there’s a basketball court in one of the suites at the Palms, because humanized wax lion figurine Adrienne Maloof, who is part owner, took the other Housewives there during an episode of The Real Housemesses of Beverly Hills.) At some point during the game, Chris got into a fight of words with one of the other guys, and I guess he was jealous of Mayweather and Pacquiao getting to have all the punching fun this weekend, because he allegedly fisted the other dude in the face. The guy who Chris allegedly punched hasn’t been named, but does anyone know if the shirtless basketball hoop dude from Seattle somehow made his way to Las Vegas?
The cops showed up, but Chris refused to talk to them. The Las Vegas PD tells TMZ that Fist Brown can either sign a citation for misdemeanor battery and show his face at a hearing in court or he can wait until the D.A.’s office decides to press charges against him or not. The good news for Chris is that this isn’t a violation of his probation, because he’s not on probation anymore.
Chris Brown’s rep has already spit aat this story. His rep tells Gossip Cop that Chris never hit anyone.
“[Chris Brown] has a suite at the hotel that has a basketball court and invited friends to come play. An unruly individual showed up uninvited and was removed from the premises. Chris was not in an altercation with this person.”
I think what his rep wanted to say is, “This story is obviously a huge, shitty lie. I mean, the trick accusing Chris Brown of punching him is a guy. Would Chris Brown really hit a guy? Think about it!“
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
E! said in a press release that every single member of the family (except for Kanye and Rob) will each talk about Bruce’s transition. Bruce executive produced the special, which will splatter against TV screens in a couple of weeks, and he hopes it will help “other families experiencing the same thing.” PMK said in the same release (no, she didn’t) that she hopes the special will “help her family get even more richer and famous.”
What’s most surprising is that this special is coming out weeks after Bruce’s big interview. Pimp Mama Kris’ pimp game is slipping! I would’ve guessed that she would’ve tried to shift the spotlight back to her from Bruce Jenner by airing this special right after his interview. For shame! But you know, it probably wasn’t her fault. The special effects team probably needed some time to add in those CGI tears. I mean, I’m pretty sure PMK can’t cry actual tears anymore, because she had her tear ducts filled with Botox and the souls of her victims a long, long time ago.
And here’s some pictures of PMK and Kendall™ landing in NYC for the Met Gala tonight as well as pictures of Kendall™ and Scott Disick having lunch with George Hamilton (???) and Gigi Hadid’s father last week.
The fight of the century (aka Pepaw Ali vs. Bear) already happened, but for some reason people are freaking out about that Floyd Mayweather vs. Manny Pacquiao fight this weekend. You know, whenever I see “Mayweather vs. Pacquiao,” I read it as Antoine Merriweather vs. La Pequeña. Now THAT is a tussle I want to see.
Both Mayweather and Pacquiao will make millions upon millions of dollars from their big fight even if they lose. If I was either of them, I’d drop to the floor and scream “MERCY” as soon as that round 1 bell rang. Then I’d collect my check and spend the rest of the night buying W.H.J (weed, hustlers and jerky). Floyd Mayweather told reporters that he’s going to make $200 million from the fight and if you add that to his $280 million fortune (that number from the extremely reliable CelebrityNetWorth.com), he’ll be worth almost half a billion dollars. But according to his money people, none of that cash is going to free Suge Knight.
On Thursday, Suge pleaded not guilty to murder and attempted murder for running over two men in a restaurant parking lot earlier this year. A judge declared that his jury trial will start on July 7th. The judge refused to lower Suge’s bail amount again. It was originally set at $25 million, but was reduced to $10 million.
Suge’s lawyer Matthew Fletcher bragged to The Los Angeles Times about how Floyd Mayweather has promised to pay the $10 million bail if he wins on Saturday night. Matthew Fletcher dribbled out this stream of eye roll fuel:
“They’re good friends. That’s one of his wealthiest friends. Suge said, ‘Man, I was really going to pull for him to win, but now I’m going to have to pray for him to win.”
You can add “a severe case of delusion” to the long-list of ailments that Suge suffers from, because Floyd Mayweather’s people tell TMZ that a trick is telling lies. A source in Floyd’s team says that they were friends a while ago, but they haven’t talked in years. Floyd isn’t bailing him out. The five-time convicted lady beater probably figures that he may need that money in the future to pay his lawyers when he fucks up again.
You know Suge’s lawyer is going to use this during the trial. Matthew Fletcher will tell the court that Suge thought Floyd was going to bail him out, because that’s what the voices in his head told him! And he dramatically collapsed in the court room, because he’s knocked up. So how can the jury send a schizophrenic, pregnant, blind man to prison?! Suge Knight is the Roxie Hart of former rap moguls.
I know this is a paused-at-the-right moment picture, but I like to think it’s also the same face Kim Kardashian makes whenever her kurrent husband Kanye West starts into a 2-hour long rant about fashion or she’s forced to remember anything about North West besides her best angle for a pap photo.
Not to be outdone by all the attention her step-father Bruce Jenner received over the weekend, Kim Kardashian made an appearance on the TODAY show this morning to talk about how she and the rest of the koven are handling things ever since Bruce publicly came out as transgender. Kim, who sounded a bit like a delayed Fisher-Price See n’ Say, told Matt Lauer that she and her family supports him 100%, but that their family is still taking time to adjust. She also says there have been hundreds of family meetings (which I’m sure they referred to as a selfie break) with “every emotion you could possibly imagine.” She then added (she didn’t, but go with me on this one) “…emotions such as drowsiness, boredom, lethargy, indifference – all shown through a wide variety of paralyzed facial expressions, like a dead-eyed fish-mouth or…dead-eyed fish-mouth.”
Damn, those hard-core attention enthusiasts couldn’t resist yanking the spotlight away Bruce, even for a couple minutes. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she and the rest of her family take it one step further by announcing several new E! shows, like Keeping Up With The Kardashians As They Keep Up With Bruce and Kim & Khloe Take Bruce’s Transition Very Seriously.
If you’ve ever wondered how douchey you have to be to get kicked out of Coachella. The answer is: Justin Bieber levels of douche.
Seen above making Usher jealous by getting into some kinky More Than Fifty Shades of Douche shit with fellow asshole The Difficult Brown (Note: But Usher shouldn’t be jealous, because that’s how Chris Brown greets everyone.), Justin Bieber was allegedly put in a chokehold by a Coachella security guard while trying to get backstage for Drake’s set. TMZ says that before Madge powered up her energy bars by sucking out Drake’s insides, Justin Bieber and his entourage tried to get backstage but were stopped by a security guard who denied entry to the possessed Baby Alive doll. The security guard told the Biebs that backstage was at capacity. When the Biebs and his entourage showed their VIP wristbands, the security guard still wasn’t having it and shut that bitch down for a second time.
If you live in the southern California area and have noticed a sudden surplus of injectable face fillers, this would be why. Kim Kardashian, her current husband Kanye West, the baby thing that she sometimes hangs out with North West, and their bodyguard Khloe Kardashian have landed in Armenia. Dear Armenia: on behalf of humanity, I am truly, truly sorry.
TMZ says Kim took the trip because she wanted to get in touch with her Armenian roots. “Uh…yeah…me too” thought Khloe, as she nervously shifted her eyes from side to side. I guess Kim figured it was time to reconnect with her father’s culture since she’s spent so much time fully embracing her mother’s (being a hard-core fame-whore is considered a culture, right?). And I’m assuming she brought North so that her daughter wouldn’t grow up thinking her mother’s heritage was Silicone-American.
Speaking of heritage, Kanye West must not want to identify as a pap-swatting hater anymore, because he finally settled that lawsuit that was filed against him by that pap he whooped outside LAX in 2013. Even weirder, he publicly apologized to the pap and shook his hand WHILE SMILING. And we all know Kanye never smiles, so I don’t know what’s up with that. My guess is Pimp Mama Kris pulled some kind of Invasion of the Body Snatchers shit on him. PMK is half pod person, right?
And while Kim and the krew are in Armenia, TMZ says they’ll visit the Armenian Genocide monument, museums (LOL – more like the museum bathroom to take porn face selfies in the mirror), visit the town where Robert Kardashian’s family is from. And hopefully while they’re doing all that, America finds a way to prevent them from re-entering the country. “Sorry Armenia, they’re your problem now! XO Uncle Sam.”
Here’s Kim, Kanye, Khloe, and an over-it North West flying out of LAX yesterday:
Feel free to make a “giant feet” joke here. During a recent interview with Yahoo! Style, legendary summer-eyed tramp and current aspiring iTunes jockey Paris Hilton was asked about her former assistant and current filler enthusiast Kim Kardashian, specifically if she feels in any way responsible for unleashing Kim and her horrible family upon humanity. Ok, technically the question was if she thought her career paved the way for Kim’s and what she thought about the idea that the Kardashians would not exist if it weren’t for Paris Hilton. But let’s be honest – that’s just the churched up version of what I said.
Rather than listening to her conscience, which was no doubt screaming “YOU OWE THE WORLD AN APOLOGY!” into her ear, Paris answered:
“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. So yeah, I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”
I don’t know if Paris Hilton’s single working brain cell is smart enough to know how to throw shade, but something about that “It’s nice to inspire people” line made me put away my SPF and grab a sweater. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that sounded like Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery‘s cuntier sister.
Paris also said some shit about her future baby (literally every one of her ovums just started trembling with fear that they might be chosen for the real life Hunger Games that is growing into a baby that would have to call Paris Hilton “Mom”) and that she wants to name it London, regardless of whether it’s a boy or a girl. First Lindsay Lohan, now this? Poor London. What did London ever do to deserve being associated with such trash?
Speaking of Paris Hilton’s former fame whore apprentice, here’s Kim taking her kid to the movies last week. I love that every time we see North West, it looks like she’s scanning the area for an escape route. “Eh, none this time. Rats.”
Fashion designers and noted gaping assholes Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana aren’t really shy when it comes to their thoughts on gays and lesbians raising chirrun. Even though they’re gayer than a splatter of strawberry-scented lube on a pink crystal butt plug charm, they don’t think that gay people should be parents and said that kids born through IVF are “synthetic babies.” And that is how you fuck with your business and money with just a few simple words. (Side note: I call dibs on the band name Synthetic Babies, so don’t even think about it.)
For years, Dolce and Gabbana have been caca-ing at the mouth about how a child needs to be raised by a mother and a father and blah blah blah… They said it again during an interview with the Italian magazine Panorama, and this time they spit on IVF too, which is pretty rich since Stefano Gabbana once said that he wanted his own child and asked a friend to carry it. via HuffPo
According to translations, the pair — who dated for 23 years and broke up in 2005 — stated that children born through IVF are “children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”
“I am gay, I cannot have a child. I guess you cannot have everything in life,” Dolce added. “Life has a natural course, some things cannot be changed. One is the family.”
Gabbana added: “The family is not a fad. In it there is a supernatural sense of belonging.”
I didn’t really before, but I think I now understand what people mean when they say someone has a “punchable face“.
So remember last month when we found out that Paris Hilton’s pressurized back cyst of a brother Conrad Hilton had erupted on a plane in July, spraying his stinky ‘come at me bro’-scented cyst cheese all over the place by way of allegedly threatening to kill flight attendants and referring to them as “fucking peasants”? Usually when an asshole gets caught being an asshole, there’s a 99.999% chance they’ll lawyer up and deny the whole thing. However, it must be a full moon, because People says that Conrad Hilton is taking responsibility for acting like a garbage person.
On Tuesday, Conrad signed an agreement to plead guilty to assault, and is due to appear in court tomorrow. Apparently threatening to kill a bunch of flight attendants and behaving like trash is considered a misdemeanor charge, which usually means a $5,000 fine and up to six months in jail, but prosecutors say they’re only going to ask for probation.
Poor Conrad Hilton; I bet that at this very minute, he’s at home tearfully slathering his wrists in Crème de la Mer in preparation for the brutal slapping he’s about to receive. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and tomorrow morning one of those prosecutors will be like “Sike! Just kidding! The fucking peasants request that Conrad Hilton’s ass be thrown in jail.”
Pic: Conrad Hilton
America’s most wholesome family, The Duggars, took a break from shooting tiny humans into the air through their tennis ball machine vaginas and destroying eyeballs with their up-close kissing to have a little fun in the snow. But of course, the Duggars can’t have a little fun in the snow without being lukewarm shit bags about it.
The Duggars aren’t content with causing damage to their own pussies by birthing out a hundred kids in a row. They have to try to cause damage to other pussies as well. On Sunday, Jill Duggar’s husband and future baby father Derick Dillard Instagrammed a video of him playing a little game of cat bowling in the snow. He was the ball and an innocent cat was the pin. With a little help from a baking pan sled and a friend, Derick tried to run over a cat who was just trying to live its own life while the other Duggars cheered and laughed.