Our stomachs aren’t going to make it through this year… First, many prepared to wet heave up their insides after it was wrongly reported that Stormy Daniels’ lawyer claimed they’ve got pictures of Donald Trump’s chipotle-dipped dick. And now we’re hearing that another living human actually said, “Ok!”, to doing Donald Trump Jr. The night that Jabba the Trump became the Overlord of the United States, overused bronzer puff Aubrey O’Day re-tweeted anti-Trump tweets, and when someone tweeted at her, “really? But you was on trump show!!! Why are you mad that the checks stopped coming!“, she dropped this dramatic foreboding nugget:
“No. my story I didn’t tell is worth millions now 😉 …this doesn’t hurt me, it hurts America.”
Many figured that she had a story involving Trump’s pussy grabbin’ claws of doom, but the story is that Aubrey rubbed her bare parts all over Don Jr’s no-neck area while his wife Vanessa Trump was pregnant with their third child. Picturing Don Jr. slamming his naked carcass against Aubrey O’Day is causing my already-tortured eyes to burn. Do-do you got a first aid kit handy? But really, a member of Danity Kane being a part of an ESCANDALO with a Trump in this day and age? Welcome to 2018.
Children of the 80s, be prepared, because this story will ruin Uncle Phillip from Webster for you. And your eyes may be giving you the truth if you read his hat as, “sexual enforcer.”
In 2015, Tony winner Ben Vereen directed a community theater production of Hair (he was in the original Broadway production) at the Venice Theater in Venice, FL, and several of the female cast members say that he took the show’s theme of free love to horrific and illegal levels of NO. Now it makes sense as to why The Leading Player from Pippin supported Bill Cosby and wondered, “Aren’t there more important things to talk about in this world?” I bet ole’ Ben is wishing we’d go back to talking about Cosby instead of him.
When the Fall of Pervs 2017 started to hit the world of TV news and Ryan Seacrest was accused (sort of) and Charlie Rose went down, I waited and waited for the creepy perv curtain to be lifted off of bald pillar of potent smug Matt Lauer. Well, that day has come… and you probably didn’t read anything beyond “was accused” because your vision was blurred by the tears you let out while laugh crying over me saying that sneaky garden gnome Ryan Seacrest is in the world of TV news.
But anyway, NBC News announced today that after getting a detailed sexual harassment complaint from an employee on Monday night, they have fired the seemingly untouchable don of morning TV. Meanwhile, employees at Good Morning America are making a mental note to keep the receipt for the holiday gifts they bought for George Stephanopoulos and Michael Strahan.
Boogie Nights is a jewel of a movie that is a precious gift to us all. It gave us so many perfect things like Philip Seymour Hoffman in a three sizes too small 70s freakum tank, Julianne Moore busting out one of her signature cries outside of the courthouse, a pucker-inducing dance scene, everything Becky Barnett says, the soundtrack, etc… etc… But being the dumb turd corn that he is, Marky Mark regrets doing Boogie Nights and hopes that God will forgive him for it. When Marky gets to the gates of Heaven and asks God if he’s forgiven for Boogie Nights, God will probably say, “Errr, I don’t forgive Paul Thomas Anderson for casting your ass, and I also don’t forgive you for almost killing those Vietnamese men,” before hitting a button that opens a trap door to Hell.
Earlier this summer, Shia LaBeouf was arrested for disorderly conduct in Savannah, Georgia. Not long after the news broke about his arrest, police body cam footage was released showing a drunk Shia screaming a variety of hateful racist shit at the arresting officers. Shia finally took care of that situation in a Savannah court this morning, and TMZ says he plead guilty.
Last week a shirtless middle-aged dude biked past me happily sing-screaming “Ignition (Remix)” at the top of his lungs, and after I was done marveling at a human living their best life, I began to wonder what R. Kelly had been up to lately. Last we heard, he was getting sued for allegedly wrecking a marriage. As it turns out, R. Kelly has been busy wrecking more than that. Several people have come forward and are alleging that R. Kelly has wrecked their families by luring their daughters into what they’re calling a “cult.” R. Kelly doing not-right shit with young women? How very R. Kelly of him.