We can never ever believe anything that comes out of Paris Hilton’s mouth again. When she releases another “leaked” sex tape for attention and we all watch her spit up a load of cum in it, we’ll ask ourselves, “Is it really man leche or is it watered down goat milk?” Everything that dribbles out of her mouth is a falsity. What’s next? We’re going to find out that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar lied through their Jesus teeth during that Fox News interview? The world is a lie.
Parasite Hilton recently threatened to sue the Egyptian production company of the show that pranked her by making her believe that she was about to die in a plane crash. Paris claimed she knew nothing about the prank. But her threats are probably full of shit, like her, because TMZ says that she was in on the prank. TMZ somehow got a hold of a document (which is one way of saying “the Egyptian production company gave it to them after Paris threatened to sue“) from the Egyptian production company that was passed to the reps of several American celebrities back in March. The document says that the production company will drop a pile of $$$$ into the lap of the American celebrity who agrees to fake the fear in a faux plane ride gone wrong.
The document states, “We will act as if something is going wrong and ask all passengers to jump off the plane!!! Of course everyone will panic, we’ll be having skydivers in disguise with us on board.”
The doc goes on, “We will monitor the funny reactions from our celebrity guest when they fear jumping off the plane.”
The document also claims that officials in Dubai, including the crown prince, were aware of the fake prank and promised to provide the show with security. Many celebs said no to that shit, but since Paris Hilton’s food of life is attention, she agreed to do it. Apparently, she was paid at least $1 million for it.
TMZ ran into Paris yesterday and asked her about the “prank.” She said that they took it “too far” and it wasn’t not funny.
Yes, I’d gladly fake scream for a million dollars, but still, screw Paris Hilton. (“Guilty!” – 97% of the world) I thought I was going to live my entire life without ever feeling one tiny drop of sympathy for her and she robbed me of that by playing with my emotions. Even after a few of my friends and several of you screamed, “FAKE,” I still believed her and felt a little bit sorry for her. I should have known. The next time a trailer for a Kristen Stewart movie comes out, I’m going to post it along with the words: I believed Paris Hilton’s plane crash acting. Therefore, I am not the one to critique anybody’s acting skills. Even Kristen Stewart’s.
Here’s that scammer being the portrait of modest by wearing a t-shirt with her image on it.
Univision, NBC, Mop Head, Cristian de la Fuente, Miss Mexico, Roselyn Sanchez, Flo Rida and sanity have just gotten more company on the growing list of people, things and companies that want nothing to do with the yelling anal sac named Donald Trump. Macy’s announced today that it will no longer carry the Chinese made shirts and ties of the furry ass goiter who always goes on about how he’ll create more American jobs if he’s president. Macy’s cut ties with Trump after a petition asking them to drop him got 700,000 signatures. Donald Trump’s comments about how Mexican immigrants are rapey drug mules have fucked with Macy’s money, so they are done with him and are making it sound like their morals and beliefs had something to do with their decision. Macy’s released this statement:
“We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about immigrants from Mexico. We do not believe the disparaging characterizations portray an accurate picture of the many Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Latinos who have made so many valuable contributions to the success of our nation. In light of statements made by Donald Trump, which are inconsistent with Macy’s values, we have decided to discontinue our business relationship with Mr. Trump and will phase-out the Trump menswear collection, which has been sold at Macy’s since 2004.”
Because Donald Trump is that herpes outbreak that screams, “You’re not getting rid of me! I’m getting rid of YOU! I’m sick of being stuck to you, loser!” after you put some ointment on it, he’s doing what he did after NBC dropped him. He’s claiming on Instagram that he’s the one who broke up with Macy’s.
Donald Trump was so bothered by Macy’s selling stuff with his name on it from China that he let them sell that shit for over 10 years. That makes sense! I’m sure Donald Trump will take all that money he made from Macy’s and use it to create American jobs. The first job he creates should be a personal creative writer who will write statements for him that actually make sense.
The executives at Macy’s should go ahead and call their local hospital to let them know that they’re going to need to come in soon to have their lungs re-installed, because they’re definitely going to laugh them out when Donald Trump sues for them for $500 million like he did to Univision. Trump followed up on his promise to sue Univision by filing a lawsuit yesterday for $500 million. Trump says that Univision violated their contract and also violated his right to freedom of speech under the First Amendment. So yeah, Trump definitely doesn’t know how the First Amendment works. What a wonderful quality for a presidential candidate to have!
Because daddy gets to do whatever daddy wants on Father’s Day,
Father of the Year Deadbeat Daddy of the Decade Charlie Sheen spent his Father’s Day being an asshole on Twitter. Uh, Happy Father’s Day?
Rather than waking up to a whole bunch of home-made paper ties and enjoying breakfast in bed, Charlie woke up from the pile of cigarette ash and stanky porn star thongs he slept in the night before, hopped on Twitter, and hissed like a barely-coherent methed-up snake at the mother of two of his children, Denise Richards. Charlie’s Father’s Day message, which has since been deleted – because apparently there’s at least one small shred of shame left in his body – was written in his signature crackhead free verse. So, just a heads up to those of you who get a headache every time you read the shit Charlie Sheen writes.
A Tyga song called “Pleazer” was shat up onto the Internet yesterday and it has already become PedoBear’s alarm song, ring tone and life anthem thanks to truly poetic lyrics about illegal sex.
The Woody Allen of hip hop raps about how he squeezes a coochie over a juice cup every morning (But is the coochie juice pulp free?) and instead of using fingerprint technology to unprotect his iPhone, he uses dickprint technology (And he wonders why his iPhone automatically calls 911 right after he unprotects it with his dick.) But the lyric that has got everyone whistling for Chris Hansen to parachute into Tyga’s house is the lyric where it sounds like he’s bragging about doing statutory rape shit. The lyrics are below and I need to remind you that Tyga wrote them. If I didn’t remind you, you may think that I copy + pasted a work from Edgar Allen Poe (more like Edgar Allen Pedo) since it’s that poetic:
Shout-out all my bitcheses, you call the mistresses
I just hit and forget they even existeded
Ha, it’s all the same though
I changed the lingo, gave her dangle, bury the dang ho
I’m fuckin’ faster, I’m gettin’ stronger
I hit her, she backwards, lickin’ her asshole
My dick is the password
T nasty, ’bout to catch a felony for it
Vagina juice like orange juice in the mornin’
It’s as if Humbert Humbert was a real-life person and was reincarnated into Tyga. BUT WAIT! Tyga tells TMZ that those Polanski-approved lyrics aren’t even about 17-year-old longtime bully victim Kylie Jenner. Tyga claims that his brain vommed up those lyrics 2 years ago when he was still with Blac Chyna. Uh huh. Tyga’s mouth is about as reliable as a fortune cookie. Everything he spits out is a lie! But you know, I doubt Pimp Mama Kris cares and I’m sure that at the club tonight, she’s going to request “Pleazer” and will scream, “THAT’S MY BAAAAAAY-BEEEE HE’S RAPPING ABOUT,” while she sprays her chest with champagne as she gives her boy toy victim a lap dance.
And here’s Kylie checking out a college to attend in the fall. No, she’s at Fred Segal.
Thank god Conrad Hilton is working some truly jacked-up hair, because it’s juuuuuust busted enough to keep my eyes from wandering down to that pinstripe pants bulge. Bless you, Conrad Hilton. Actually, I take that back – that smug smile on his face as he’s walking out of court tells me he’s probably laughing “Hahahaha suckers, no jail for me!” to himself. (Note from Michael: Yes, I am enrolling Allison in a crash-course in bulge watching right now, because I’m pretty sure that’s an air bubble. Or his stash.)
Back in February, Conrad Hilton earned a spot in the Stupid Spoiled Douche Club (current president: Justin Bieber) by threatening to kill flight attendants and calling everyone “fucking peasants” on a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles. He also smoked weed in the bathroom. He was charged with assault and agreed to plead guilty in exchange for a federal felony charge being dropped. The New York Daily News says that Conrad was sentenced today. It looks like Kathy Hilton won’t need to pull out her prison-visiting Chanel pumps again, because a judge slapped Conrad with a $5,000 fine and 750 hours of community service. Conrad reportedly apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again.
The NYDN says he’ll also be required to undergo mental health and substance abuse treatment. No word on whether or not Conrad’s sister Nicky will be required to meet with scientists so they can try to determine what DNA defect caused her to become a little less obnoxious than the rest of her siblings.
This isn’t the Hiltons last stroll into court with their 21-year-old son; he still needs to get a slap on the wrist for reckless driving in Palm Springs last August. “Just put it on my tab, peasants!” he’ll holler to his lawyers.
It’s a slow Sunday and I am way too hungover to shit up another Rachel Dolezal post, so here’s the overfilled Diva Cup that is Brody Jenner mouth queefing up about threesomes with his girlfriend and how the most traumatic thing he’s ever experienced is going down on a girl whose coochie situation smelled like Khlozilla’s breath after she catches salmon in a lake.
Since E!’s pact with the devil states that they must give a shit show to absolutely any whore associated with the Kartrashians, Brody is getting a sex talk show that premieres next month. To promote his new show, the douche bro Sue Johanson did an interview with GQ about fucking. Brody let everyone know that he and his current girlfriend Kaitlynn (AWKWARD ALERT) get into threesomes and that’s my brain’s cue to burp up the image of Kaitlynn filing her nails as Brody and his Dollar Tree Wilmer Valderrama friend go at it.
“We have the best sex together, but we also switch it up and do fun things as well. We’re not opposed to having somebody else join in on our sexcapades. It’s funny, because a lot of people are always nervous to bring up that subject: ‘Hey, what about having a threesome?’ I truly believe that a lot more people are a lot more receptive than you think. And when the conversation was brought up, Kaitlynn said, ‘I actually don’t mind that at all.’ So I was extremely excited about that.”
I think what Kaitlynn meant is, “I actually don’t mind that at all, because I’ll have someone to laugh at your douchetastic tattoo with.”
And as for Brody’s most “traumatic” sexual experience:
“The first time I ever went down on a girl, I was fairly young—like fourteen, fifteen. It smelled terrible, I’m not gonna lie. It was honestly the most traumatic experience for me. After that, basically I said that I’m never gonna do that ever again in my life. I was just like, ‘Oh my God, that’s what it’s like? Jesus. I’m never doing this again—ugh!’ Like, I was completely disgusted. And then later on in life, I tried it again and was like, ‘Oh, this is totally different than the first time.’ So I think maybe the first misconception was that it smelled like that on every girl. That’s definitely not the case.”
But what I want to know is, how did the chocha smell afterward? Because well, it’s been claimed that a coochie’s supposed to smell like fresh laundry and tropical rain after encountering a gigantic douchebag.
Here’s Brody and Kaitlynn with a K at the Entourage premiere a little while ago.
Chet Haze (government name: Chester Hanks), trust fund son of America’s original sweetheart Tom Hanks and lover of the N-word, is finally getting himself some for real street cred and now whenever you see him, you can say, “Oh shit, we got a badass over here,” and not in an ironic way. The Daily Mirror (aka The second most reliable literary journal of truth in Britain. The Daily Mail being the first. Duh!) claims that the humanization of Vanilla Ice’s butt plug is wanted by the police in Britain for allegedly fucking up an airport hotel room in a drunken rage after some chicks refused to do him. Can’t no one tell Chet Haze he can’t break a hotel room mirror like the true gangsta he is.
“You goddamn right ‘Pimp Mama’ is already trademarked, buuuuurp,” said White Oprah while drunkenly lying on the bathroom floor of a Long Island T.G.I Fridays where she went after that shitty Philippe restaurant failed to recognize her as the bright shining celebrity she thinks she is.
Seen above seconds before a bird mistook her rubber lips for bloated earthworms in distress and tried to snatch them off of her face, Pimp Mama Kris is trying to trademark the term “momager” because she would. TMZ says that the dick nose-having minion from hell has filed legal papers for the right to own the name “momager” when it comes to all things entertainment. She already has the trademark for “momager” for use in her reality shit show and personal management services. It looks like trademarking is PMK’s newest scheme. Her youngest ATMs, Kendull Jenner and chemtrail expert and future TED speaker Kylie Jenner, are also trying to trademark their first names. Insert KylieMinogueThrowingASideEye.jpg here.
I don’t screw with Ouija boards, but if you do, please summon the ghost of Mama Rose so she can ghost slap the hell out of PMK for thinking she’s the first and biggest momager ever. Mama Rose was a momager long before Lucifer created PMK.
It begins. Expect PMK to trademark everything. She’s going to trademark Pimpager, Shameless Pimp, Whore Wrangler, Pimp Mama Kris, Big Kunt, THIS BITCH, Plastic Leech On Humanity’s Right Ass Lip, etc… etc… We’ll just have to call her Evil Succubus From The Ninth Circle until she eventually trademarks that.
And here’s The Slow One and The Slow One’s man celebrating his birthday by getting paid to host some club night in Las Vegas over the weekend.
Remember when I said that being a father to a human child could make Chris Brown retire his punching fist and convince him to stop being an itchy, oozing wart inside of humanity’s urethra? Well, I may have wasted precious keystrokes on that sentence, because Fist Brown is apparently terrorizing the world again.
TMZ says that at around 3:42 this morning, the Difficult Brown was playing a pick-up game of basketball at his suite in the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. (I know that there’s a basketball court in one of the suites at the Palms, because humanized wax lion figurine Adrienne Maloof, who is part owner, took the other Housewives there during an episode of The Real Housemesses of Beverly Hills.) At some point during the game, Chris got into a fight of words with one of the other guys, and I guess he was jealous of Mayweather and Pacquiao getting to have all the punching fun this weekend, because he allegedly fisted the other dude in the face. The guy who Chris allegedly punched hasn’t been named, but does anyone know if the shirtless basketball hoop dude from Seattle somehow made his way to Las Vegas?
The cops showed up, but Chris refused to talk to them. The Las Vegas PD tells TMZ that Fist Brown can either sign a citation for misdemeanor battery and show his face at a hearing in court or he can wait until the D.A.’s office decides to press charges against him or not. The good news for Chris is that this isn’t a violation of his probation, because he’s not on probation anymore.
Chris Brown’s rep has already spit aat this story. His rep tells Gossip Cop that Chris never hit anyone.
“[Chris Brown] has a suite at the hotel that has a basketball court and invited friends to come play. An unruly individual showed up uninvited and was removed from the premises. Chris was not in an altercation with this person.”
I think what his rep wanted to say is, “This story is obviously a huge, shitty lie. I mean, the trick accusing Chris Brown of punching him is a guy. Would Chris Brown really hit a guy? Think about it!“
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
E! said in a press release that every single member of the family (except for Kanye and Rob) will each talk about Bruce’s transition. Bruce executive produced the special, which will splatter against TV screens in a couple of weeks, and he hopes it will help “other families experiencing the same thing.” PMK said in the same release (no, she didn’t) that she hopes the special will “help her family get even more richer and famous.”
What’s most surprising is that this special is coming out weeks after Bruce’s big interview. Pimp Mama Kris’ pimp game is slipping! I would’ve guessed that she would’ve tried to shift the spotlight back to her from Bruce Jenner by airing this special right after his interview. For shame! But you know, it probably wasn’t her fault. The special effects team probably needed some time to add in those CGI tears. I mean, I’m pretty sure PMK can’t cry actual tears anymore, because she had her tear ducts filled with Botox and the souls of her victims a long, long time ago.
And here’s some pictures of PMK and Kendall™ landing in NYC for the Met Gala tonight as well as pictures of Kendall™ and Scott Disick having lunch with George Hamilton (???) and Gigi Hadid’s father last week.