File this under: a story that will make you all warm and nostalgic for the glory days of 2005.
TMZ says that at a party in Miami last night, Lindsay Lohan thought she was a Crackhead Don or some shit when she made one of her friends whoop Barron Hilton’s ass. Barron told police that someone at the party told LiLo that he was talking shit about her. LiLo got in his face and said, “You talk shit about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get,” before one of her friends allegedly took his face to Beat Town. Barron says that LiLo laughed the entire time and egged her friend on. LiLo and her friend both got out of there before the cops showed up.
Barron told the cops that he has no idea who beat him up, but he knows that LiLo was the mastermind behind it. LiLo denies having anything to do with the fight, but TMZ has video of Barron’s friends confronting her about it. Because Michael Lohan is permanently attached to LiLo’s anus and knows everything, he told TMZ that she left the party before the fight started. Michael claims that even two security guards at the party will back her story up.
Finally, the Hilton vs. Lohan blood battle is back on! Everyone put on your head-to-toe Hazmat suit, because Lohan and Hilton fluids are about to fly. This story would really be a priceless jewel from the past if TMZ also reported that as this fight went down Parasite Hilton was in a corner booth using her hook nose to scoop up a bump of coke from the table while Fat Elvis yelled at the air. Those were the days.
If that isn’t a “please get me out of this cesspool of syphilis” side-eye from a sea lion, then I don’t know what is.
No, that isn’t Khloe without her weave on. How dare you! That is a tortured, abused sea lion who these shower drain cum clumps “rented” to play with for the day. Radar says that Pimp Mama Kris took her clearance bin boy toy Ben Flajnik to Joe Francis’ house in Punta Mita, Mexico in September and while they were there they rented a sea lion named Litibu from the nearby Vallarta Adventures water park. A few months ago TMZ said that Joe regularly pays the water park to bring that poor sea lion to his house so he and his girlfriend can play with the animal.
Even though Ben has been seen driving PMK’s ugly Bentley and was her escort to the Beyonce concert last night, he still denies slurping the nectar of Lucifer out of her kooch. But who cares about those piece of trash fame whores, somebody needs to #FREELITIBU!
There are some hookers who will gladly let a john poop on their chest for the right price, but no amount of money would ever get them to go into a pool with PMK, the worst Bachelor ever and popped ass pimple Joe Francis. And poor Litibu didn’t even get paid for this and was forced to do it. Will somebody please find a way to let Litibu know that if he’s ever in this situation again, most of humanity will be on his side if he mauls a few of those bitches before escaping to the ocean over yonder.
(Pic via @IAmAbbeyWilson)
Yes, the baby Jesus was born just so those Kartrashian whores could pose in a dark-sided UNGODLY Khristmas Kard that’s sold exclusively in the back room of a Hallmark in the darkest part of the Ninth Circle. If you need a quick response to this bukkake of fuckery disaster, just look at that Mason kid. His body language speaks for all of us.
If Satan swallowed a Las Vegas landfill whole then diarrhea’d into the mouth of Photoshop, and if Photoshop then gorged on copies of Blade Runner and a bunch of tabloids before shitting onto a pile of broken neon signs, the end product would be more attractive and festive than the Kardashian Khristmas Kard. On last night’s not-so-special episode of the Illuminati documentary Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian brought David LaChapelle in to shoot the annual family holiday card. David didn’t want any dudes or children in the picture, because dudes and children didn’t fit in with his vision. But after the slow one drooled out a lukewarm stream of complaints about her kids not being in the picture, David agreed to shoot Mason and Penelope. David also bent the “no dudes” rule a little by letting Khloe pose in the picture.
I’d like to think that David LaChapelle is just screwing with them and they’re too stupid to figure it out. Because this is a glorious mess of symbolism from the ATM behind Kourtney to Bruce Jenner (looking like Patti Smith after surviving a meth lab explosion) trapped in a glass tube for eternity. David truly captured essence of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and PMK, and by that I mean he made them look like the fake pieces of trash they are.
And no, Kanye wasn’t physically in the picture, but I see him everywhere. This is what the skid marks on the inside of his leather panties look like.
If you ever find yourself in the middle of a Walmart on Thanksgiving night, just crawl under one of the clothes racks and hold your breath (THEY CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING!) while silently weeping, because you’ve probably died and gone to the darkest place in Hell.
It’s Black Friday, which means it’s that special time of year again when you sip on a turkey-tini (blended up leftover turkey and vodka) while watching American civilization gnaw on itself from the inside/out over a 20% off no-brand flatscreen TV at Walmart. (Of if you’re one of those Black Friday warriors, then it’s that time of year when you dodge bullets and tase whores in the neck while trying to get to a 10% off blender.) THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT! The fuckery above was shot at a Walmart in Elkin, NC by New York filmmaker Brian Spain who was kicked out shortly after, because Walmart doesn’t want you to see this mess.
That shit is a tragic, disgusting, ridiculous mess and God should just pull the plug on humanity NOW, but I did watch this video and think to myself, “Hmmm, I wonder if that SpongeBob onesie comes in my size?”
Kim Kardashian Is A Charitable Saint Who Is Auctioning Off Her Old Clothes To Benefit Typhoon Victims (And Herself, Mostly Herself)
That headline makes more sense if you read it as “charitable taint.”
Last night, Kim Kartrashian acted like the giving whore she is by making one of her minions queef on her blog about how she’s auctioning off a bunch of her clothes on eBay to benefit the victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. This was exciting news for sick, nasty bitches who really want to own a stretched out leather skirt covered in the blood of Satan, Pimp Mama Kris’ saliva, skid marks, fake tanner shit and Kanye’s cum stains. (Note: Those cum stains didn’t come from Kanye humping on Kim. They came from Kanye putting on the leather skirt and jizzing at how hot he looked while posing in the mirror.) Kim’s minion shat this up (via The Gloss):
Hi guys, this is a very special auction because a portion of the proceeds of my eBay auction are going to International Medical Corps, which is a nonprofit organization that provides critical health services on remote islands where families are struggling to access medical care and basic resources like food, clean drinking water and vital medications. The proceeds will go directly to the communities they’re serving in the Philippines and will help typhoon survivors get access to medical care and ultimately save lives. My prayers and thoughts are with those affected by the typhoon. Check out my eBay auction here and support those who need our help in the Philippines. Xo
Selling all her old rags and donating all the proceeds to International Medical Corps is a nice and kind-hearted thing to do, which is why she’s not donating all proceeds to charity. Bitch is only donating 10%. At the bottom of every auction is this little note:
I don’t think this is the first time that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris have pulled the “Let’s use a catastrophe to fill our greedy, gaping assholes with even more MONAY and get a tax write-off at the same time!” scheme. Greedy bitches staying greedy. But you know, I shouldn’t be so hard on those used enema whores. They probably wanted to donate 0.0000000000001%, so they really are giving
holes souls by donating 10%. True givers. Yes, the victims in the Philippines need clean water, food, clothes, shoes and basic human necessities, but Kim needs that 90% more. She needs it to buy fillers to keep her face looking like a dead-eyed rubber mallard duck that’s been ran over by a semi.
Here’s St. Kim and her friend Falala (or whatever the hell her name is) pushing North West in NYC.
Three years ago, my 90s self did the slow wall slide of NOOOOO when the “hot one” from 90s boy band Color Me Badd was arrested in Hawaii for beating his then-wife up and two years before that he was arrested for beating up his girlfriend. Since then, Bryan Abrams has been up to his same old asshole tricks. He’s been beating women and when he’s not beating women, he’s been beating up pie with his mouth.
Bryan has been charged with domestic violence 5 times since 2006 and he pleaded guilty to his latest one in April. Bryan admitted to punching his third wife in the face. The white Z-list Chris Brown was ordered to perform community service and get counseling for drug issues and for being a lady-beating piece of shit. Bryan didn’t do everything he was supposed to do and so he was in court today to answer to a judge. Bryan wobbled in on a walker (more on that in a second) while wearing an old outfit from Structure’s plus size collection. If you don’t remember what Bryan looked like back in the day, here you go:
Those exquisite brows…. So sharp you could cut your ass hairs off with them…
NewsOK says that in court today, Bryan’s lawyer argued that he hasn’t been able to complete his community service because ailments have been fucking with his health. Bryan has been trying to lose some chunk and he recently had hip surgery, which is why he’s using that walker. Bryan’s lawyer told the court that he’s sober now and he wants to do right, but health problems are keeping him down. Bryan promised to finish his counseling and community service before his next hearing in January. And back to that walker…
NewsOK says that when he was in front of the judge, Bryan played the “OHWOEISMETHEPAIN” role and he never let go of his walker. But when he left the courtroom, he picked up his walker and ran up the stairs while carrying it. Bryan also recently tweeted about no longer being in pain.
While Bryan was beating up women, time was beating him up. DAMN. I wish I could take back all the times I fapped to Bryan Abrams and fap to the one with the 40-foot long forehead instead. This is ruining the 90s for me, because one of my fap dream stars has turned into a lady-beating shyster who wears an untucked plaid shirt to court. How beyond dreadful.
(Top pic via Steve Gooch/AP)
Sylvester Stallone, the son of a butt-reading blossoming flower, is probably going to get a love letter written on a stick of butter from Paula Deen any day now, because TMZ is accusing him of calling a pap a “nigger” while he left a restaurant in Beverly Hills with a friend yesterday. If only Jackie read Sly’s ass before this so she could tell him that this was coming and to not do it. And by “ass” I mean his face of course.
Because the paparazzi didn’t have bigger stars like Quween on the Scene (Side question: Where for art thou Quween on the Scene?!) and Phoebe Price to shoot yesterday, they settled for a man who looks like a deflated burnt skin bubble. TMZ has a video of the paps following Sly and I guess he didn’t like it, because they claim at the 0:07 mark in the video, he mumbles to his friend, “This fucking nigger, this fucker.” It’s not really clear who that word was meant for. TMZ says there were several black paparazzo shooting around there that day. A few seconds into the video, one of the paps asks him, “Why the racial slurs?” Sly ignores her.
Sly’s spokeswhore claims that he said “fucking asshole” and not “fucking nigger.” The spokeswhore also says that Sly didn’t answer the pap when she asked about him the racial slurs, because she wasn’t talking directly to him. The spokeswhore thinks that she only said that to get more money for the video.
I watched that video more times than I should have and I still don’t know what came out of Sly’s mangled mouth hole. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slurred out a slur, but then again I also wouldn’t be surprised if he said something completely different like, “Hey, yo, let’s go get some strawberry froyo with nuts at that place over there.” Because Sly’s mouth is a shredder of words. Everything that comes out of his mouth has been cut up with pinking shears, chopped up with a rusty machete and ran over by several Mack Trucks. Bitch’s face has been pulled so tight that he can’t spit out coherent words. He will forever sound like a warped Speak and Spell.
But I’m sure he’s still going to play the same damage control card that Alec Baldwin played yesterday. After Alec denied he called a pap a “cocksucking fag,” he showed everyone that he’s not a homophobe by bringing out his gay hairdresser. So expect Sly to grab the first black guy he sees and get them both in front of a camera to say, “Arrro grrr blewerru huh zizzay asshole murrerre wurbled.” (Translation: “Hey, yo, whateveryourname is, you’re black and my best friend, right?“)
The big bag of French-Canadian crazy who was accused of stalking Alec Baldwin after a one-night-fuck with him was found guilty today and sentenced to six months in jail plus another 30 days for acting a loud mess in court. The judge told 41-year-old actress Genevieve Sabourin that she is going to Rikers, because anybody that is crazy enough to stalk Alec Baldwin’s equally-as-crazy ass deserves to be locked up. No, he didn’t tell her that, but he should’ve, because the definition of shame is going to jail for stalking current day Alec Baldwin.
The NYDN says that the judge slapped Genevieve down when he told her that she showed zero respect during the trial and continually harassed Alec for two years after he told her to leave him alone and regularly called the cops on her. After the judge let her know that she’ll spend the next seven months simmering with the sad, tragic fact that she’s in jail for stalking Alec Baldwin, she didn’t apologize and declared her innocence again.
“I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m innocent, so that’s what I have to say. You’re doing a mistake right now.”
Alec Baldwin celebrated the verdict by doing something he does every day: throw verbal shit bombs at the paparazzi.
TMZ has a video of the grumpy human fart in wayfarers chasing after a pap for getting too close to his wife and kid. When the pap gets away, the self-proclaimed non-homophobe walks back to his car and mumbles out “cocksucking fag.”
I guess “cocksucking fag” is the new “toxic little queen” which was the new “goat-footed wheezy old queen.”
This is just Alec Baldwin being the fart-brained piece of dumb grizzled trash that he is. Since when is “cocksucking fag” an insult? He says that like it’s a bad thing. It’s a beautiful thing. Now, calling someone a “non-cocksucking fag” is an insult, because you should never trust a gay guy who doesn’t suck cock.
UPDATE: Alec is crying on Twitter that he didn’t say “fag,” he said “fathead.” Yeah, okay.
If @TMZ asserts that I used an anti-gay epithet, I will sue them.
— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) November 14, 2013
Acoustic analysis proves the word is fathead. Fathead.
— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) November 14, 2013
To prove that the big-screen Fifty Shades of Grey movie hasn’t completely fallen apart and will move to Lifetime where it will star Doug Savant and Crystal Bernard (I wish), Universal dressed Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson as their characters for a photo spread in Entertainment Weekly. These pictures look like low-budget, badly-produced stock photos for a story about a rapey-eyed, controlling creeper who buys all of his ties from the Donald Trump Collection at Macy’s and the mentally-stunted woman girl who is contractually obligated to love him. They nailed it! I know, these pictures look like stills for a community theater production of Fifty Shades of Glib: The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Story.
EW also interviewed Jamie and Don Johnson’s daughter and they both showed off their talents for lying their asses off:
Jamie on getting the role after Charlie Hunnam checked out: “There was a slight fear. But beyond anything else, I was really fucking excited.”
Don Johnson’s daughter on how she’s getting her body sex scene ready: “Obviously, I want to look good naked. I totally understand now why people exercise, because it kind of fucking feels awesome.”
Jamie on how a movie based on a story about sex needs to have sex in it: “I grew up in a very liberal place. I’m not saying we had a playroom, but I’m not shocked by [the sex in the book]. It’s essential to tell the story. I can’t believe films that don’t invoke the sexual side of it. So it works for me.”
Fifty Shades was supposed to come out in the summer, but they moved it to Valentine’s Day 2015. They don’t want to compete with World Cup. Ha. So now we know that on February 13, 2015, the Guinness World Record for the most divorce papers filed by middle-aged men on the same day will be made. Middle-aged husbands will rather divorce their wives than be dragged to this shitty mess on Valentine’s Day.
We can all let out a giant huge sigh of relief, because rich celebwhore justice prevails again. A judge in DC today, put on a white velvet glove and gently slapped The Difficult Brown on the top of his right hand, reduced his felony assault charge to a misdemeanor and released him without bail. I know, for a minute there I thought they were actually going to punish The Difficult Brown as if he was a regular person. They really had me there. Thank God the justice system didn’t make all of us piss out our internal organs from shock over actually punishing Fist Brown.
Chris was arrested early on Sunday morning outside of the W Hotel in DC when he fisted a dude in the face. Team Difficult Brown says that the dude who got a fistful of The Difficult Brown tried to get on his bus and he made his bodyguard “handle it.” They say that Chris Brown’s fist never touched that dude’s face. The dude who got punched claims that Chris’ bodyguard did punch him, but so did Chris. The dude claims that Chris said, “I ain’t down wit that gay shit,” to him before punching him.
Chris and his bodyguard had been sitting in a jail cell since Sunday. TMZ says that today, the judge released them both and reduced both of their felony charges. Chris was told to stay 100 yards away from the victim. Chris was supposed to take a drug test, but the judge shooed that order away for some reason (and by “for some reason” I mean “because he’s a rich celebwhore” or “because Chris Brown gave the judge a quick beej and a b-hole finger massage”).
Some source close to The Difficult Brown tells E! that he doesn’t need jail, he needs rehab and therapy:
“He’s a good kid, but he keeps messing up. He needs help. He keeps self-medicating with weed and alcohol and that’s when he always gets in trouble. No one is making excuses for Chris. No one is condoning what he has done. But what people don’t realize is how bad it’s gotten for him. He has all this money and success and he keeps apologizing, but he continues to be one of the most hated people in the business. He gets depressed and then self-medicates. He has a lot of yes-people around him who don’t want to help. They just want the money and want to have a good time.”
“Weed and alcohol” is a really funny way of saying “meth and more meth,” because damn, Chris Brown looks like a hairy meth sore freshly ripped off of a meth face. His face is all meth. And the source has a point. Fist Brown needs a whole lot of help. He obviously suffers from some kind of disorder. I don’t have a degree in psychology, but I think I did a first year psychology student once (that practically makes me a licensed mental health professional), and in my professional opinion Chris Brown suffers from a mental disorder called being a complete fucking asshole. That’s the medical term for it.
Here’s the meth Sisqo leaving court in DC today with Mom Breezy.