I know this is a paused-at-the-right moment picture, but I like to think it’s also the same face Kim Kardashian makes whenever her kurrent husband Kanye West starts into a 2-hour long rant about fashion or she’s forced to remember anything about North West besides her best angle for a pap photo.
Not to be outdone by all the attention her step-father Bruce Jenner received over the weekend, Kim Kardashian made an appearance on the TODAY show this morning to talk about how she and the rest of the koven are handling things ever since Bruce publicly came out as transgender. Kim, who sounded a bit like a delayed Fisher-Price See n’ Say, told Matt Lauer that she and her family supports him 100%, but that their family is still taking time to adjust. She also says there have been hundreds of family meetings (which I’m sure they referred to as a selfie break) with “every emotion you could possibly imagine.” She then added (she didn’t, but go with me on this one) “…emotions such as drowsiness, boredom, lethargy, indifference – all shown through a wide variety of paralyzed facial expressions, like a dead-eyed fish-mouth or…dead-eyed fish-mouth.”
Damn, those hard-core attention enthusiasts couldn’t resist yanking the spotlight away Bruce, even for a couple minutes. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she and the rest of her family take it one step further by announcing several new E! shows, like Keeping Up With The Kardashians As They Keep Up With Bruce and Kim & Khloe Take Bruce’s Transition Very Seriously.
If you’ve ever wondered how douchey you have to be to get kicked out of Coachella. The answer is: Justin Bieber levels of douche.
Seen above making Usher jealous by getting into some kinky More Than Fifty Shades of Douche shit with fellow asshole The Difficult Brown (Note: But Usher shouldn’t be jealous, because that’s how Chris Brown greets everyone.), Justin Bieber was allegedly put in a chokehold by a Coachella security guard while trying to get backstage for Drake’s set. TMZ says that before Madge powered up her energy bars by sucking out Drake’s insides, Justin Bieber and his entourage tried to get backstage but were stopped by a security guard who denied entry to the possessed Baby Alive doll. The security guard told the Biebs that backstage was at capacity. When the Biebs and his entourage showed their VIP wristbands, the security guard still wasn’t having it and shut that bitch down for a second time.
If you live in the southern California area and have noticed a sudden surplus of injectable face fillers, this would be why. Kim Kardashian, her current husband Kanye West, the baby thing that she sometimes hangs out with North West, and their bodyguard Khloe Kardashian have landed in Armenia. Dear Armenia: on behalf of humanity, I am truly, truly sorry.
TMZ says Kim took the trip because she wanted to get in touch with her Armenian roots. “Uh…yeah…me too” thought Khloe, as she nervously shifted her eyes from side to side. I guess Kim figured it was time to reconnect with her father’s culture since she’s spent so much time fully embracing her mother’s (being a hard-core fame-whore is considered a culture, right?). And I’m assuming she brought North so that her daughter wouldn’t grow up thinking her mother’s heritage was Silicone-American.
Speaking of heritage, Kanye West must not want to identify as a pap-swatting hater anymore, because he finally settled that lawsuit that was filed against him by that pap he whooped outside LAX in 2013. Even weirder, he publicly apologized to the pap and shook his hand WHILE SMILING. And we all know Kanye never smiles, so I don’t know what’s up with that. My guess is Pimp Mama Kris pulled some kind of Invasion of the Body Snatchers shit on him. PMK is half pod person, right?
And while Kim and the krew are in Armenia, TMZ says they’ll visit the Armenian Genocide monument, museums (LOL – more like the museum bathroom to take porn face selfies in the mirror), visit the town where Robert Kardashian’s family is from. And hopefully while they’re doing all that, America finds a way to prevent them from re-entering the country. “Sorry Armenia, they’re your problem now! XO Uncle Sam.”
Here’s Kim, Kanye, Khloe, and an over-it North West flying out of LAX yesterday:
Feel free to make a “giant feet” joke here. During a recent interview with Yahoo! Style, legendary summer-eyed tramp and current aspiring iTunes jockey Paris Hilton was asked about her former assistant and current filler enthusiast Kim Kardashian, specifically if she feels in any way responsible for unleashing Kim and her horrible family upon humanity. Ok, technically the question was if she thought her career paved the way for Kim’s and what she thought about the idea that the Kardashians would not exist if it weren’t for Paris Hilton. But let’s be honest – that’s just the churched up version of what I said.
Rather than listening to her conscience, which was no doubt screaming “YOU OWE THE WORLD AN APOLOGY!” into her ear, Paris answered:
“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. So yeah, I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”
I don’t know if Paris Hilton’s single working brain cell is smart enough to know how to throw shade, but something about that “It’s nice to inspire people” line made me put away my SPF and grab a sweater. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that sounded like Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery‘s cuntier sister.
Paris also said some shit about her future baby (literally every one of her ovums just started trembling with fear that they might be chosen for the real life Hunger Games that is growing into a baby that would have to call Paris Hilton “Mom”) and that she wants to name it London, regardless of whether it’s a boy or a girl. First Lindsay Lohan, now this? Poor London. What did London ever do to deserve being associated with such trash?
Speaking of Paris Hilton’s former fame whore apprentice, here’s Kim taking her kid to the movies last week. I love that every time we see North West, it looks like she’s scanning the area for an escape route. “Eh, none this time. Rats.”
Fashion designers and noted gaping assholes Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana aren’t really shy when it comes to their thoughts on gays and lesbians raising chirrun. Even though they’re gayer than a splatter of strawberry-scented lube on a pink crystal butt plug charm, they don’t think that gay people should be parents and said that kids born through IVF are “synthetic babies.” And that is how you fuck with your business and money with just a few simple words. (Side note: I call dibs on the band name Synthetic Babies, so don’t even think about it.)
For years, Dolce and Gabbana have been caca-ing at the mouth about how a child needs to be raised by a mother and a father and blah blah blah… They said it again during an interview with the Italian magazine Panorama, and this time they spit on IVF too, which is pretty rich since Stefano Gabbana once said that he wanted his own child and asked a friend to carry it. via HuffPo
According to translations, the pair — who dated for 23 years and broke up in 2005 — stated that children born through IVF are “children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”
“I am gay, I cannot have a child. I guess you cannot have everything in life,” Dolce added. “Life has a natural course, some things cannot be changed. One is the family.”
Gabbana added: “The family is not a fad. In it there is a supernatural sense of belonging.”
I didn’t really before, but I think I now understand what people mean when they say someone has a “punchable face“.
So remember last month when we found out that Paris Hilton’s pressurized back cyst of a brother Conrad Hilton had erupted on a plane in July, spraying his stinky ‘come at me bro’-scented cyst cheese all over the place by way of allegedly threatening to kill flight attendants and referring to them as “fucking peasants”? Usually when an asshole gets caught being an asshole, there’s a 99.999% chance they’ll lawyer up and deny the whole thing. However, it must be a full moon, because People says that Conrad Hilton is taking responsibility for acting like a garbage person.
On Tuesday, Conrad signed an agreement to plead guilty to assault, and is due to appear in court tomorrow. Apparently threatening to kill a bunch of flight attendants and behaving like trash is considered a misdemeanor charge, which usually means a $5,000 fine and up to six months in jail, but prosecutors say they’re only going to ask for probation.
Poor Conrad Hilton; I bet that at this very minute, he’s at home tearfully slathering his wrists in Crème de la Mer in preparation for the brutal slapping he’s about to receive. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and tomorrow morning one of those prosecutors will be like “Sike! Just kidding! The fucking peasants request that Conrad Hilton’s ass be thrown in jail.”
Pic: Conrad Hilton
America’s most wholesome family, The Duggars, took a break from shooting tiny humans into the air through their tennis ball machine vaginas and destroying eyeballs with their up-close kissing to have a little fun in the snow. But of course, the Duggars can’t have a little fun in the snow without being lukewarm shit bags about it.
The Duggars aren’t content with causing damage to their own pussies by birthing out a hundred kids in a row. They have to try to cause damage to other pussies as well. On Sunday, Jill Duggar’s husband and future baby father Derick Dillard Instagrammed a video of him playing a little game of cat bowling in the snow. He was the ball and an innocent cat was the pin. With a little help from a baking pan sled and a friend, Derick tried to run over a cat who was just trying to live its own life while the other Duggars cheered and laughed.
At least it sounds like they’re going to go through with it this time (silver lining?). A little over a week ago, Canadian-American princess Pamela Anderson gave her former third ex-husband and current husband Rick Salomon an early Valentine’s Day present by writing his name all over a pile of divorce papers and filing them down at the I Quit You Courthouse. And just like 99.9% of Hollywood Divorces (and 100% of Pam’s), it’s getting messy.
Cathy Horyn of The New York Times, who? North West is the only fashion critic we need. On Thursday, North West made it perfectly clear that Kanye West’s collection for Adidas is an 80s aerobics fugly nightmare when she screamed during the show and demanded to be led far, far away from those nasty rags. North West pretty much gave Alexander Wang’s Fall/Winter 2015 collection the same review. You’d bawl too if a model came stomping toward you in those 90s gothic shit brick shoes.
The Illuminati’s parents of the year, Kim Kartrashian and Kuntye West, once again dragged their little, living fashion accessory to the last place she wants to be: a New York Fashion Week show. Why won’t those dumb fucks let North West live her life? I know as much about babies as I do about proper sentence structure, but I’m pretty sure listening to ear drum-busting music while watching The Grudge-looking ass models with constipation face is not their idea of a good time. Babies like to drool on their stuffed animals while watching mindless cartoons. They’re like stoners that way.
Pimp Mama Kris must be so disappointed in Kim. PMK taught Kim everything she knows about the pimp game and that hallowed-out mannequin of dumb made a rookie mistake. Doesn’t Kim know that you’re supposed to sell your child’s soul five seconds after they’re born so that they become vain and shallow inside and won’t act up when you parade them in front of the cameras? PMK is so ashamed! But I hope North West keeps rebelling against those messes, because we really need a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all from her in 20 years titled Pimpie Dearest.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s a tale of love and compassion….
Professional cheater Lance Armstrong took his lying act from his bike to his SUV last December when he hit a bunch of parked cars and let his girlfriend Anna Hansen take the fall. The Aspen Daily News (via ESPN) says that after partying in Aspen, CO on December 28th, Lance got behind the wheel of his GMC Yukon and during the drive home, he hit two parked cars. Poor Lance is so sick of the media throwing shit at him for the stuff he brought on himself, so Anna agreed to say she was driving to avoid national attention. I know, doesn’t that just bring your cold, dead heart to life and make you believe in true love?