The executives at TLC recently looked at their Rolex watches and realized that it’s been about 198 days, 4 hours, 23 minutes and 10 seconds since they pushed 19 Kids and Counting to the side. They probably figured that enough time has gone by for everyone to have completely forgotten about how one of the Duggars child touched his sisters and his parents dribbled out a river of holy bullshit while defending him. The TLC executives are right. We all have the memory of a goldfish with amnesia, so we don’t at all remember all of that and we’ll probably say, “What is this fresh new wholesome show?”, when TLC puts out the trailer for the new seasons of 19 Kids.
The Christian Post says that while rotting potato Josh Duggar is still in sex rehab for trolling for ass on Ashley Madison (because you know, that’s something to be “punished” over, but child touching stuff isn’t), his family of baby machines and the dudes they slave over are filming a new season of 19 Kids. TLC just couldn’t ignore the dollar signs that filled their eyes when their specials about Jill and Jessa Duggar did well. So they’re bringing that mess back. The rumor is that the new 19 Kids will follow 25-year-old washed-up geriatric old maid Jana Duggar as her crazy-eyed gorgeous mother and her creepy-faced dad force her to side-hug her way through possible human jizz machine after possible human jizz machine until they find the one who will turn her uterus into an always-booked Motel 6 for fetuses. At least that’s how I read Christian Post’s description:
Reports show that a camera crew was recently seen with the Duggar family. They were seen in several locations such as a lumberyard and a thrift store.
In addition, it was revealed that the upcoming focus of the new season will be on Jana Duggar. The premiere of the upcoming season will show her opening up about her sentiments on being single. Her younger sisters are already married and have families of their own, which causes her to compare herself to them.
Yeah, no. I don’t think that’s the direction TLC should take. The show should follow Jana after she escapes her mess of a family, goes to NYC to do a tell-all interview and decides to stay in the city. Jana will move in with a gay struggling actor and get a job as a nanny for a blond rich bitch. That’s a show!
Lifetime, television for train wrecks and their admirers, really reached deep up into the universe (read: reached down deep into the bottom of the barrel) and pulled out the brightest stars (read: whoever was desperate enough for a check) for their newest reality show masterpiece The Mother/Daughter Experiment: Celebrity Edition, which starts on March 1st. This mess has become the latest show to completely change the meaning of “celebrity.”
Lifetime has also stolen Vh1’s schtick by pretending like they’ve made a serious show about therapy and healing when they really just made a show about a bunch of crazy bitches fighting with each other while locked up in a house.
This mess stars an all-star cast including Heidi Montag, Courtney Stodden, Shar Jackson, Jessica Canseco, Natalie Nunn (aka the daughter of Mac Tonight who was in the Bad Girls Club) and Kim Richards (who probably shouldn’t be doing another reality shit show, but whatever). A therapist named Dr. Debbie tries to fix their fucked-up relationship with their mother or daughter. But we all know that they’re really there to bring the fake drama for the cameras.
They probably got a bonus for every tear they pushed out of their overly Botoxed faces, because there’s a lot of Botox tears in this trailer:
That show is trashy, gross, an embarrassment to humanity and I will watch every episode twice. And I’m surprised Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah aren’t in this. I mean, they’re apparently back to hating each other. Lifetime probably couldn’t afford LiLo’s usual out-call day rate.
It’s been approximately 45 seconds since Blac Chyna squirted out that THOTful Instagram post where she made it clear that she’s bumping her humongous stress ball ass cheeks against Rob Kardashian’s FUPA. Since then, Pimp Mama Kris has really made the most of this family “scandal” by probably leaking stories about how Kylie Jenner is mad about her brother doing her boyfriend’s baby mother and how the Kartrashians think that Blac Chyna is using Rob. They’re pissed because only they are allowed to use a ho for cheap publicity!
But really, I guess Rob finally picked up a script, because today he posted that note and SANS FARDS picture of Blac Chyna on Instagram. Handymen are probably busy loosening the Botox in Kim Kartrashian’s mug with chisels so that her cry face looks sort of natural when she shoots her response to that Instagram post for the season finale of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians. TMZ also posted a pro-Blac Chyna story that claims she’s helping him lose the chunk and get healthy.
Sources close to the unexpected couple tell TMZ, Chyna has been a positive influence on Rob because she’s helping him get back in shape.
We’re told Chyna introduced Rob to her personal trainer about a month ago, and since then they’ve done several intense workouts together.
So let’s see, Blac Chyna is the enemy of the Kartrashians who is healing Rob’s sugar-filled heart and is helping him once again rebel against his family of fame whores. I see that Pimp Mama Kris is blatantly stealing storylines from soap operas now. Let’s hope that she steals her next storyline from One Life to Live and her entire family gets trapped in an underground city far away from civilization!
When we last heard from Pimp Mama Kris’ fourth tier whore, Rob Kardashian, he had been hospitalized with diabetes and was apparently saying “fuck it” to diet and exercise. But well, it looks like Rob is now burning some calories and getting some exercise by holding up his FUPA as he wet humps on Blac Chyna from the back.
TMZ says that during the past few days, Rob has been spending a whole lot of time with the baby mother of his sister’s gross boyfriend. Blac Chyna used to live next to Pimp Mama Kris’ lair, but she and Rob never sucked on each other’s genitals back then. They only started fucking recently and if you’re wondering what brought these two together, just look at Twitter’s top trending topics to get your answer. (SPOILER ALERT: Blac Chyna is trending on Twatter.) Blac Chyna wanted everyone to know that Future is her past and Rob is now licking Splenda-sweetened lube off of her camel toe, so she queefed up this picture on Instagram this morning:
TMZ conducted an extremely thorough tattoo investigation and matched that tattoo with the tattoo on Rob’s arm.
Since that picture of Blac Chyna cuddling up to her rival’s brother went up on Instagram, Kylie Jenner tagged Rob’s name in a picture of a devil and Khloe Kartrashian tweeted about how you don’t go against the family. Khlozilla later klaimed she wasn’t talking about Rob but was talking about some other family member who pulled out of her shit puddle of a talk show at the last minute. So basically, Rob has moved from the bottom of the fame whore chain to somewhere in the middle since he’s given PMK a storyline she can milk dry. “Sources” have already told E! that the Kartrashians think that Blac Chyna is a succubus skank who is using a vulnerable Rob to get back at Kylie.
Oh please, Blac Chyna and Rob Kartrashian’s union is obviously built on true love and true love only. These dirt star-crossed lovers are the Romeo & Juliet of our time. Although, I’m sure this will end with the Kartrashians unfollowing Rob on Twitter and that’s like much, much more tragic than a double suicide.
And here’s old pictures of the one-time sock mogul’s arm tattoos:
Another speeding train just crashed into the train wreck pile that is the Palins. Train wrecks be train wreckin’ again.
Gawker says that Sarah Palin’s oldest kid, 26-year-old Track Palin (he’s the one in the back), was arrested in Wasilla, Alaska last night after he allegedly got violent with a woman while boozed up. Let this be a lesson to parents everywhere: Never EVER commit child abuse by naming your kid Track. Nothing good can come of it. Dude will always be running into trouble with a name like Track.
Wasilla P.D. said that they went to a house last night after getting a call about a domestic violence incident. The cops said that after doing a little investigating they learned that a member of Wasilla’s royal family drunkenly assaulted a woman while carrying a gun. They put Track in handcuffs and charged him with three misdemeanors. The police gave this statement to Gawker:
On 01/18/2016 at approximately 2204 hours, Wasilla Police responded to a residence for a disturbance. An investigation revealed Track Palin had committed a domestic violence assault on a female, interfered with her ability to report a crime of domestic violence, and possessed a firearm while intoxicated. Palin was arrested and charges of assault in the fourth degree (domestic violence), interfering with a domestic violence report, and misconduct involving weapons in the fourth degree were forwarded to the District Attorney’s Office. Palin was held without bail until arraignment.
Damn that Track, smearing the Palin family’s pristine reputation like that.
Back in 2015, Track and his family were involved in that hot trashy brawl at a snowmobile party. It ended with a shirtless track flipping people off in the street. And now here is. I don’t know why those Palins even bother with politics when their true calling is reality TV. (That Sarah Palin’s Alaska show doesn’t count.) You’d think that the world of reality TV would’ve fully embraced their boozin’, brawlin’ and barebackin’ antics by now. Oh, and Sarah Palin officially endorsed Donald Trump today. I didn’t read her statement, but I’m guessing that it stops after 3 sentences because she quit writing it halfway through.
Yesterday, a 14-year-old girl named Molly O’Malia held a press conference with her lawyer, the queen of press conferences Gloria Allred, to tell her side of the story that OK! magazine ran about her and 26-year-old Tyga. OK! wet farted up a tale about how Tyga texted with Molly after finding her on Instagram. OK! claimed that Tyga and Molly flirted back and forth. But during her press conference yesterday, Molly said that she never went there and thought Tyga was contacting her about her music. According to Molly, Tyga kept trying to FaceTime with her and that made her feel uncomfortable. Well, Tyga’s manager took his ass to TMZ to let everyone know that Tyga isn’t a creepy turtle-faced pedo who was trying to get with a 14-year-old girl. He’s a professional record label mogul who was only interested in her musical talent. It’s way too early in the year to have this much bullshit splattered onto my eyes.
Tyga’s manager Anthony Martini claims that the junkyard salamander and his “team” (Side note: Let me guess, his “team” is made up of PedoBear, Subway Jared, R. Kelly and Woody Allen…) contacted Molly because they noticed that her music got a lot of attention on social media. Since every trick in the land has a record label, Tyga has a record label called Last Kings Records and his people were interested in maybe signing Molly. Anthony claims that the texts between Molly and Tyga were strictly professional and never got “uncomfortable.” Tyga wanted to FaceTime with Molly but only because he wanted to talk business face to face and wanted her to sing for him and his producers.
TMZ says that Molly claimed she was 17 in the texts. THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Oh, the old, “I can help you with your career, I can make you a STAH,” trick. Bill Cosby’s lawyers are probably having a busy morning, because they’re filing a copyright infringement lawsuit against Tyga for stealing their client’s act. But let’s say there’s a milliounce in hell that Tyga wanted to FaceTime with Molly for professional reasons only, that’s still an act of child abuse. No child should have to FaceTime with that creeper face.
Is there’s a word for when your defense makes you seem like even more of a dick than what you were accused of? I’m going to call it an Asshole’s Alibi. So Chris Brown has finally opened up his mouth about the woman who accused him of punching her in the face during an early-morning party in his hotel room in Las Vegas yesterday, and out came an asshole’s alibi.
TMZ says that Chris Brown responded to Liziane Gutierrez’s accusation that he punched her in the face by throwing up a video (and then immediately yanking it down) where he accused her of being a liar who was never even at the party because she was “too ugly” to get in. Chris thinks Liziane made up the face-punching story because she’s after some cash. You can watch that here, if you would like to see a rough-looking Chris Brown defending his spotless reputation. He also called out Liziane on Instagram, because of course he did.
Chris Brown’s people are also side-eying Liziane’s story. A rep tells TMZ that Liziane was kicked out of the party on Saturday morning for being an out-of-control disaster. Once she was in the hallway, she turned into a loud mess who started screaming that she could “buy everyone in the hotel.” They also say she never had a phone inside his room, and there was no picture taken. Wait, so does this mean she was in the room? Somebody better sit Chris Brown down with his reps and tell them to get their stories straight.
One of the things Chris Brown mentions while dragging Liziane is her appearance in a video with Jason Derulo. According to TMZ, that would be the time Liziane Gutierrez was left behind at a club by Jason Derulo and her friends back in August. Shortly after, a pissed-off Liziane sort-of accused Jason Derulo of making her friends do things they didn’t want to do. I don’t know if that means anything in regards to the face-punching accusation, but I do know this: finding out your girls ditched your ass at the club so they could party with the dude who sings “Talk Dirty“? Liziane needs to get some better friends.
Pic: Chris Brown
I don’t know if the Guinness people keep track of this kind of thing, but surely this is some kind of world record. Less than 48 hours into the new year, and already we have our first “Chris Brown went Chris Brown on someone” story of 2016. According to TMZ, a woman named Liziane Gutierrez is claiming that Chris Brown punched her in the face during a private party in his suite at the Palms in Las Vegas early this morning. Chris was in Las Vegas for a performance at Drai’s last night.
Liziane Gutierrez says it happened after she tried to take a picture of him. Apparently she was able to sneak her cellphone into the party without his security team noticing, so she decided to take a picture. Why you would want a picture of Chris Brown’s face, I don’t know. But she did, and and once he noticed she had taken a picture, he allegedly started screaming at her and punched her once in her right eye.
TMZ says Liziane left the party and called the police, but she wasn’t taken to the hospital. The police tell TMZ they’re currently investigating this mess, and confirm that Chris Brown is the suspect. A rep for Chris Brown says the allegations are “undeniably untrue.”
All of this is still in the ‘alleged’ stage right now, so not too many details are known. But one thing we do know for sure is this: that Chris Brown’s sober companion Scott Disick is doing a shitty fucking job of keeping his ass out of trouble.
Here’s Chris Brown looking like the long-lost member of The Midnight Society a few hours before it allegedly all went down.
Teresa Giudice’s greedy gorilla hairline will never release its grasp on her twohead, but the federal prison system has finally released its grasp on her after 11 months. In a cell at the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution (aka the Orange is the New Black prison) in Connecticut this morning, the current reigning grand dame of trash from The Real Housewives of New Jersey laid her curly hair on a hot plate and used a pot to straighten it out, because she wanted to be paparazzi glamour ready for her triumphant stroll out of the clink. At around 5am, Teresa sashayed out of prison and delivered an “Excuse my prison bitch beauty” pose for the pap who just happened to be there:
— People magazine (@people) December 23, 2015
While wearing a bootleg Shaft costume from a discount Halloween store, R. Kelly did an interview with HuffPost Live and it went so good that he ended up throwing a hissy fit (better than a pissy fit, I guess) before quitting that bitch. The only thing Woody Allen’s favorite R&B singer wanted to talk about was his album and his own greatness. It’s nice knowing that R. Kelly’s head is still filled with a giant pile of mashed delusion.
R. Kelly recently ass queefed up a video where he blamed the low sales of his new album on “computers” and lack of support. Caroline Modarressy-Tehrani of HuffPost Live brought up that video and then asked him if he feels like fans have a hard time getting into his music because they can’t get past all of the heinous and dark-sided things he’s been accused of doing. R. Kelly sort of answered her at first, but when she wanted to get deeper, her got angrier and mouth burped about how everywhere he goes he’s golden showered with love and he accused her of bringing on the negativity for “ratings.” R. Kelly also tried to prove that her questions were irrelevant by asking her if she gets drunk and he also name-dropped the McRib. If you can take the insufferableness of it all, it starts at around the 6:35 mark. There are many, many painful things about this interview, but one of the most painful is not being able to take a Magic Eraser to that sad goatee that looks like it was drawn on with a faded marker.
And I’m kind of surprised that R. Kelly didn’t piss on her at the end. What am I saying? R. Kelly would never piss on her. She’s not a 14-year-old girl.