Unbeknownst to most of the world, Kiwi Twitter has been aflutter in recent weeks with tales and sightings of a family of tourists who have been wreaking havoc (ok, brazen rudeness) up and down the coast of New Zealand. No attraction from was safe from the group, popularly known as The Bad Family. Don’t worry, they aren’t Americans! They are either British or Irish, nobody seems to know for sure, and neither country wants to claim them. According to a recent exposé by Slate, TBF first made their presence known when a woman saw them littering, and confronted them at a beach in Auckland. That’s when the family of about 12, first showed their asses. Imagine a shirtless little 9-year-old boy coming at you like Cardi. B up in the club.
My new favorite way to avoid addressing what a messy slob who should clean out his damn closet I’ve become is to turn on Netflix and watch other messy slobs get called out by Marie Kondo, arguably the world’s most pleasant woman who drops by American homes to call people out on their hoarding and solves it by talking to their shirts and figure out which ones bring joy and which ones are talking smack behind their wearer’s backs. I still haven’t whispered sweet nothings to my clothes since binging through Tidying Up. However, it appears many people have because a new report says thrift stores are overflowing with the crap people no longer want in their houses!
Harvey Weinstein, the giant lump of shit who became a movie mogul, has been trying to get out of facing trial for sexual assault in NYC, and I’m surprised his team of lawyers didn’t argue that only a human can be tried for something and Harvey’s technically a giant lump of shit. But CNN says that today in court, Judge James Burke sided with the prosecution and dropped a wet judicial fart on Team Harvey’s dismissal request. Harvey Weinstein is actually going to trial for rape. First, Bill Cosby goes from alleged rapist to rapist rapist, and now Harvey is one step closer to moving into a prison cell. I see 2018 winking at us like, “See, bitch, I’m not that bad.”
The Samantha Jones we know and love hates children, and so she would never text with a kid, and she would definitely never sext with one. But if Satan got his way and the Sex and the City 3 movie was made and came out, we’d see Miranda Hobbes’ now 14-year-old son Brady, who looks like this now (and strangely enough he looks like the ginger love child of Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente), sending dick pics to Samantha. Samantha looking at child porn sent to her by a teenager she knew as a kid gets 5 out of 5 Not Amused While Drinking Wine Samanths from me:
The Daily Mail is saying that 40-year-old Bravo plastic Muppet Kim Zolciak may have taken some artistic liberties when posting a picture of her 4-year-old twins Kaia and Kane to social media this week. Above is Kim keeping very calm and still as to not alarm her child as a terrifying pair of mutated slugs attack her face.
Kim’s 21-year-old daughter Brielle (the one who’s a big fan of John Legend) shared a picture of her siblings to her Instagram story, and since Kim does whatever Brielle does in order to stay cool, young, hip and relevant, she shared the same picture. But people noticed it was slightly different. It would seem that in Kim’s picture Kaia was given a larger butt and a smaller nose. “Just the butt and nose?! What about boobs and lips?” cackled Kris Jenner before declaring Kim Z an amateur.
When anybody with at least half a working brain cell thinks of a “powerhouse power couple,” they probably think of Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente, Oprah and bread, Dolly Parton’s chichis, Charlie Hunnam’s ass cheeks, a squirrel and a condom, an over-used butt plug and saliva, a broken hairdryer and a blown out electric socket, and nearly every pairing in the world not named Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott. But because Pimp Mama Kris probably kidnapped the children of GQ’s editors and threatened to feed those kids to Khlozilla if they didn’t print these false declarations, they have called Kylie and Travis the world’s most powerhouse power couple. And for the cover, they threw a half-naked Kylie onto a fully-clothed Travis. To quote Miranda Priestley: “Groundbreaking.”