Any day now, trillions of locusts will swarm the land, Satan will crawl out of Hell to high-five his homeboy Trump and nukes will fly above our heads. And as the world crashes down around us and we all run for our lives, you can count on one thing: Amidst the chaos of it all, LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville will be looking at each other like, “Ewww, your implants are jank, your weave is trash, you totally have cankles and Eddie said my pussy tastes sweeter, bitch!”
LeAnn v. Brandi is the roach of feuds, and like roaches, it apparently can be found amongst the trash and scum. The Dirty recently noticed that Brandi unfollowed her forever arch rival LeAnn on both Twitter and Instagram. James McGibney, the owner of the site BullyVille, tells The Dirty that Brandi broke up with LeAnn on social media after finding out that the diabolical luck dragon allegedly hired a professional troll (and yes, that’s what I write under “occupation” on my tax returns) to stalk and harass her. LeAnn Rimes is 34 years old. I’m pointing that out, because I’m around her age and I thought I acted like a bitchy immature tween (see: Everything I write on this blog and the fact that I asked my friend if my ex’s current boyfriend is hotter than me. The answer was yes.) But this two Dollar Tree clearance bin Regina George has me beat.
Roman Polanski pleaded no contest to raping and drugging a 13-year-old girl in 1977, and the story goes that he struck a plea bargain with prosecutors that would require him to serve only 48 days in prison. Yes, only 48 days for anally raping a child. Subway Jared wishes.
Roman’s lawyers claim that the judge in the case, Judge Laurence Rittenband, signed off on that deal. Roman served 42 days, and when he got out of the clink in Chino, CA, he learned that Judge Laurence’s mind had changed. Judge Laurence told prosecutors that he wanted Roman to serve 50 years in prison. PedoBear’s second favorite director, after Woody Allen, didn’t want to spend most of his life in prison, so a day before sentencing in 1978, he busted out of the U.S. and headed for Europe.
He was living free in Europe until 2009, when he was arrested in Switzerland and lived under house arrest for almost a year while fighting extradition to the U.S. The Swiss government eventually rejected the U.S.’s extradition request and set him free. And now Roman is sick of being a fugitive and wants to come back to the U.S. to prove that the late Judge Lawrence wronged him. I hope you keep a box of Kleenex on your desk, because I’m sure you’ll need to wipe that tear that trickled down your cheek after reading about the woe of being poor Roman Polanski.
My thoughts exactly about that headline, Mad Mel.
While promoting his movie Hacksaw Ridge last September, Mel Gibson was asked to shit up his thoughts about the bloated budgets of superhero movies. That led to talk about Batman v. Superman and Mel called it a piece of shit and said he’s not into Spandex and superhero movies:
I’m not interested in the stuff. Do you know what the difference between real superheroes and comic book superheroes is? Real superheroes didn’t wear spandex. So I don’t know. Spandex must cost a lot.
So, since it’s obvious that Mad Mel is the biggest fan of Warner Bros’ superhero movies, they are talking to him about possibly directing the sequel to the critical shit log, but box office hit, Suicide Squad. What a smart decision! That’s as if Hillary Clinton decided to run for president again and asked Susan Sarandon to be her campaign manager.
The divorce between Bethenny Frankel, of the Real DrunkMesses New York City, and Jason Hoppy was finally finalized last year after a messy 4-year-long fight, but it looks like the smegma-covered drama lives on. Page Six says that Jason was arrested on Friday and charged with harassing and stalking his ex-wife. Jason reportedly showed up to their 6-year-old daughter’s school and screamed, “I will destroy you,” at Bethenny. Now, I love some Dynasty-like drama that involves a crazy bitch vowing to destroy another, but it kind of ruins the moment when there’s little kids around. Alexis Carrington taught me that when you say the words, “I will destroy you,” you should pause for a second afterward for maximum dramatic effect and it’s kind of hard to do that when children are crying.
2005: “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” – Kanye West
2016: “Kanye West doesn’t care about black people.” – 2005 Kanye about 2016 Kanye
Back in the simpler times of 2015 when some of us were still innocent and naive and didn’t think that a dried-up butt plug dingle could actually become our overlord, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian took a selfie with Hillary Clinton at a fundraiser given by Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun. But while Kim continued to burp up her support for HRC and Black Lives Matter, Kanye has gone the opposite way. Kanye sharted up a post-election endorsement for Donald Trump and told black people to stop focusing on racism in this country. Hmm… Could it have something to do with the fact that headlines like, “Kanye Shits On Trump And Supports BLM,” wouldn’t get nearly as much attention as headlines like, “Kanye Loves Trump And Wants Black People To Stop Crying About Racism”? No, I’m sure it doesn’t. Kanye is sooooo not a living and breathing clickbait headline who spews out shit just to get his name trending on Twitter. Never!
Since Kanye West’s fashion line is full of overpriced minimalist zombie rags, I figured that his interior design aesthetic is the same and his house is as empty as his sense of humbleness and the only thing in there is a $980,000 custom-made Northern White Rhino suede sectional that’s been distressed with holes made by specially-trained Luna moths. But apparently, Kanye’s house was filled with a bunch of really expensive furniture until one day he sashayed in, felt the sting in his eyes from the ugliness of it all and did what you did when you watched his video for Famous: HEAVED!