Fashion designers and noted gaping assholes Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana aren’t really shy when it comes to their thoughts on gays and lesbians raising chirrun. Even though they’re gayer than a splatter of strawberry-scented lube on a pink crystal butt plug charm, they don’t think that gay people should be parents and said that kids born through IVF are “synthetic babies.” And that is how you fuck with your business and money with just a few simple words. (Side note: I call dibs on the band name Synthetic Babies, so don’t even think about it.)
For years, Dolce and Gabbana have been caca-ing at the mouth about how a child needs to be raised by a mother and a father and blah blah blah… They said it again during an interview with the Italian magazine Panorama, and this time they spit on IVF too, which is pretty rich since Stefano Gabbana once said that he wanted his own child and asked a friend to carry it. via HuffPo
According to translations, the pair — who dated for 23 years and broke up in 2005 — stated that children born through IVF are “children of chemistry, synthetic children. Uteruses for rent, semen chosen from a catalog.”
“I am gay, I cannot have a child. I guess you cannot have everything in life,” Dolce added. “Life has a natural course, some things cannot be changed. One is the family.”
Gabbana added: “The family is not a fad. In it there is a supernatural sense of belonging.”
I didn’t really before, but I think I now understand what people mean when they say someone has a “punchable face“.
So remember last month when we found out that Paris Hilton’s pressurized back cyst of a brother Conrad Hilton had erupted on a plane in July, spraying his stinky ‘come at me bro’-scented cyst cheese all over the place by way of allegedly threatening to kill flight attendants and referring to them as “fucking peasants”? Usually when an asshole gets caught being an asshole, there’s a 99.999% chance they’ll lawyer up and deny the whole thing. However, it must be a full moon, because People says that Conrad Hilton is taking responsibility for acting like a garbage person.
On Tuesday, Conrad signed an agreement to plead guilty to assault, and is due to appear in court tomorrow. Apparently threatening to kill a bunch of flight attendants and behaving like trash is considered a misdemeanor charge, which usually means a $5,000 fine and up to six months in jail, but prosecutors say they’re only going to ask for probation.
Poor Conrad Hilton; I bet that at this very minute, he’s at home tearfully slathering his wrists in Crème de la Mer in preparation for the brutal slapping he’s about to receive. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and tomorrow morning one of those prosecutors will be like “Sike! Just kidding! The fucking peasants request that Conrad Hilton’s ass be thrown in jail.”
Pic: Conrad Hilton
America’s most wholesome family, The Duggars, took a break from shooting tiny humans into the air through their tennis ball machine vaginas and destroying eyeballs with their up-close kissing to have a little fun in the snow. But of course, the Duggars can’t have a little fun in the snow without being lukewarm shit bags about it.
The Duggars aren’t content with causing damage to their own pussies by birthing out a hundred kids in a row. They have to try to cause damage to other pussies as well. On Sunday, Jill Duggar’s husband and future baby father Derick Dillard Instagrammed a video of him playing a little game of cat bowling in the snow. He was the ball and an innocent cat was the pin. With a little help from a baking pan sled and a friend, Derick tried to run over a cat who was just trying to live its own life while the other Duggars cheered and laughed.
At least it sounds like they’re going to go through with it this time (silver lining?). A little over a week ago, Canadian-American princess Pamela Anderson gave her former third ex-husband and current husband Rick Salomon an early Valentine’s Day present by writing his name all over a pile of divorce papers and filing them down at the I Quit You Courthouse. And just like 99.9% of Hollywood Divorces (and 100% of Pam’s), it’s getting messy.
Cathy Horyn of The New York Times, who? North West is the only fashion critic we need. On Thursday, North West made it perfectly clear that Kanye West’s collection for Adidas is an 80s aerobics fugly nightmare when she screamed during the show and demanded to be led far, far away from those nasty rags. North West pretty much gave Alexander Wang’s Fall/Winter 2015 collection the same review. You’d bawl too if a model came stomping toward you in those 90s gothic shit brick shoes.
The Illuminati’s parents of the year, Kim Kartrashian and Kuntye West, once again dragged their little, living fashion accessory to the last place she wants to be: a New York Fashion Week show. Why won’t those dumb fucks let North West live her life? I know as much about babies as I do about proper sentence structure, but I’m pretty sure listening to ear drum-busting music while watching The Grudge-looking ass models with constipation face is not their idea of a good time. Babies like to drool on their stuffed animals while watching mindless cartoons. They’re like stoners that way.
Pimp Mama Kris must be so disappointed in Kim. PMK taught Kim everything she knows about the pimp game and that hallowed-out mannequin of dumb made a rookie mistake. Doesn’t Kim know that you’re supposed to sell your child’s soul five seconds after they’re born so that they become vain and shallow inside and won’t act up when you parade them in front of the cameras? PMK is so ashamed! But I hope North West keeps rebelling against those messes, because we really need a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all from her in 20 years titled Pimpie Dearest.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s a tale of love and compassion….
Professional cheater Lance Armstrong took his lying act from his bike to his SUV last December when he hit a bunch of parked cars and let his girlfriend Anna Hansen take the fall. The Aspen Daily News (via ESPN) says that after partying in Aspen, CO on December 28th, Lance got behind the wheel of his GMC Yukon and during the drive home, he hit two parked cars. Poor Lance is so sick of the media throwing shit at him for the stuff he brought on himself, so Anna agreed to say she was driving to avoid national attention. I know, doesn’t that just bring your cold, dead heart to life and make you believe in true love?
Well, file this under both “Not Shocking” and “This Is NOT What The Genie Would Want”. Six months after the beyond-sad death of Robin Williams, the New York Times says his wife of three years Susan Williams is rewriting the chapter on Tacky Moves in the Gold Digger Widow Handbook by fighting with Robin’s three children Zachary, Zelda, and Cody over what he left to them his will. When Robin Williams died, he left the majority of his estate to his three kids, which included jewelery, memorabilia (please tell me that includes the fatsuit from Mrs. Doubtfire), clothing, personal photos taken before he got with Susan, and awards he received from the entertainment industry. A second trust gave Susan their home in Tiburon, CA, some stuff around the house, and some cash to take care of the house.
But that wasn’t enough money for Susan, so she’s gone to court to demand some of the money Robin left to his kids be given to her for “daily upkeep” and “unexpected renovations” on the house. Like a $30,000 renovation she recently did. Meanwhile, Robin’s kids claim that Susan shouldn’t be asking for shit from them, since she still has yet to turn over what’s theirs. According to Robin’s kids, Susan has prevented them from coming inside the house to collect the stuff their dad left for them. Susan acknowledges that she’s been blocking them from entering the house, but she claims it’s because she’s “frightened” of them “invading her home”. However, she hasn’t blocked everyone from the house; apparently she’s been rolling out the red carpet for appraisers and home design types.
And to make things even messier, TMZ says she’s withholding Robin’s collection of watches, because according to Susan, watches aren’t technically jewelery, and therefore they belong to her. Next thing you know she’ll be claiming that an Academy Award isn’t an award, but a gold-plated humanoid Feng Shui decoration.
All of this is such a goddamned MESS. Fighting over watches? Pretending like you’ve stepped out for milk every time your stepkids buzz the front gate? Susan, chill out and let the kids in the damn house! They’re not going to pull up the new granite countertops you just installed; they just want their dad’s rainbow suspenders and his collection of chest hair combs.
Emile Hirsch, an actor type who we haven’t really heard much of since the mid-2000s, is currently giving us a reason to say the name “Emile Hirsch“, but not for the reason he (and I’m sure his agent) would like. On Monday, it was reported that Emile Hirsch had gotten physical with a female Paramount Pictures executive at a club at the Sundance Film Festival, but not much else was known besides the fact that it was messy and the cops were called. Two days later, Page Six has the details, and this shit is pretty trashy.
Page Six says it all went down at 3:30am on Sunday morning at Tao Nightclub. According to a source, 29-year-old Emile, who is at Sundance to promote his film Ten Thousand Saints, was apparently drunk as hell and started “aggressively picking on” 31-year-old Paramount executive Dani Bernfeld. The source claims Emile suddenly snapped, and “pushed Dani up against a table, and then he put her in a headlock.” Another source, who refers to what Emile did as a “chokehold”, adds:
“He attacked her from behind — he completely blindsided her after he’d been shit-talking and was already led away from her once.”
Eventually the police were called and a witness says Emile calmly explained the situation and wasn’t arrested. Park City police are currently investigating the incident and are deciding if charges should be filed. Uh, I’m no lawyer, but I’d say “being a drunk disaster and putting someone in a chokehold” is still an arrestable offense, right?
And how the fuck did this trashy shit happen at the Sundance Film Festival? I always thought that out of all the film festivals, Venice was the classy grandma, Cannes was the messy drunk aunt, Toronto was the low-budget brother, and Sundance was the chill cabin-dwelling cousin. Damn Sundance, what happened? You’ve turned into the drunk uncle who puts you in a headlock. Robert Redford, get your film festival together.
Seen above looking like a short-haired Taylor Swift hitching a ride on a waxed proboscis monkey, the Daily Mail says that former celebrity and current person who plays music at parties Paris Hilton has gone and traded in her 23-year-old boyfriend River Viiperi for 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett. In case you’ve forgotten, or your brain won’t allow you to remember facts about Paris Hilton (good for it), Paris Hilton is 33-year-years old. Paris Hilton has herpes sores that are closer in age to her new boyfriend that she is.
Paris and Jordan are both in Italy for Milan Fashion Week were recently seen getting close at a party on Sunday night. They’ve also been posting what looks like outtakes from a Motherboy photo shoot to Instagram, because nothing says “We’re Probably Doing It” like blurry Chris Hansen-approved Instagram selfies.
I can’t throw shade at Paris Hilton for dating a Taylor Swift-looking fetus, because you do what you gotta do when you’re a notorious skank like Paris Hilton. She probably went after an 18-year-old because he’s young enough to not remember when 1 Night in Paris was released, and yet old enough that she doesn’t go to jail. Again. That, or she’s using him to break into the lucrative world of Bar Mitzvah DJing.
And if you want to see what a thirsty old attention whore slithering up against a come-to-life Kevin doll looks like, here’s another pic of Paris and Jordan:
If you live in New Jersey and you woke up this morning feeling a little less tacky opulence in the air, it’s because Real Housewife of New Jersey and Con Artist Queen Teresa Giudice has finally checked into a prison in Connecticut. Dining room tables everywhere just let out a huge sigh of relief, for they know they shall no longer live in a constant state of fear.
Teresa’s attorney (aka one of the people she blames for getting sent to the pokey in the first place) confirmed to WNBC 4 New York that Teresa turned herself in to police around 3am this morning to serve the 15-month prison sentence she got for helping her husband, Donkey Kong, with his busted bankruptcy fraud game.
As expected, Teresa will be serving her sentence at the Orange Is The New Black prison, the Federal Corrections Institute in Danbury, CT. So if there actually is a Red who runs the kitchen, watch out, because you’re about 3 seconds away from hearing the phrase “I’m a three-time published cookbook author, so if you need any help jazzing up those bologna sandwiches…”
Even though Teresa is scheduled to be on the inside for 15 months, one of her laywers tells the NY Post that he expects she’ll be out sometime before next Christmas, and that her last words before she entered prison were “I’ll be fine.” Hmmm…sounds like that clever grifter has a trick up her sleeve. If I know my Teresa (and I don’t, because I’m more of a RHOA girl), I bet she’s going to work the prison bitch angle. Teresa will be everybody’s best cell block friend. She’ll teach them how to make their toilet wine taste like Fabellini (not hard), make them exquisitely tacky jewelery out of gum wrappers and glitter glue-covered tampons, and keep them warm at night by knitting throw blankets out of her extra hair. Before you know it, she’ll be released early for good behavior, but not before she steals all their bank account information and forwards it to Juicy Joe. I see you, Teresa.