Believe it or not, those hideous ass tulip hem jeans from the shitty bowels of the 90s aren’t the most offensive thing in that picture.
Justin Bieber’s dried drop of dick discharge of a daddy Jeremy Bieber (not to be confused with his other daddy Usher) and his fiancee Chelsea Rebelo threw an engagement party at a mansion in Toronto on Saturday, and the whole thing was as tacky as you’d expect. The engagement party was also supposed to be an “art show,” and it should’ve been called “Douches On Display,” but the show was called “Nyotaimori Celebrating Life Love And Art” instead. There was a Batmobile and people in superhero costumes, and the douche-induced rash clinging to the inside of humanity’s vagina performed for guests. You would think that forcing guests to listen to Justin Bieber would be the biggest act of cruelty to happen at that party, but it wasn’t.
I’d say this is the first sign of end times, but this is an event far unholier than any of that. I’m pretty sure even the Four Horsemen are nervously thinking, “What’s happening? I’m scared“, as the sound of Kris Jenner gleefully cackling echoes around them.
Yesterday afternoon, in what was probably an attempt to yank some attention away from His Majesty Prince (or at least try to distract our eyes from that beautiful video of him kicking her older sister off stage), Kylie Jenner posed for some social media selfies with Blac Chyna. That’s right – Kylie Jenner just so happened to make friends with the kurrent biggest kramp in the Kardashian’s rubber asses and her sworn enemy on the day a legend died.
It’s been over 10 long years since rap master Kevin Federline sharted out “PopoZão” and taught us that it’s possible to caca through our ear holes. The saying “genius takes time” is true and this newest work of art proves it. It took the Mozart of rap a decade to release a song that’ll make you wish Tampax made tiny tampons for your ears. Listening to it won’t cause you to caca through your ear holes, but you will bleed.
Throw on your Von Dutch trucker hat, pop your collar and put your Motorola Razr on mute, because TMZ has taken us all the way back to 2005 by posting KFed’s new video “Hollywood,” which also stars Andy Dick and Aaron Carter’s flow coach Crichy Crinch, whose claim to fame is getting Tara Reid’s name tattooed onto his arm. This mess is so 2005 that it’s practically a Four Loko stain on a pink UGG.
But KFed did manage to bring it to the NOW thanks to a scene where a fourth-tier Amber Rose impersonator (who looks more like a third-tier Susan Powter impersonator) and a fifth-tier Kanye West impersonator (who looks more like a fourth-tier Ray-J impersonator) get into some #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch action. The Amber/Kanye scene is pretty disappointing, because I doubt the booty hole Jesus uses drugstore lube like a normal peon. Kanye’s b-hole is probably self-lubricating, and not only that, but KFed missed an opportunity to make a “PooPooOw” joke.
There’s also a bootleg Leonardo DiCaprio impersonator in this for some reason. Brit Brit Spears must’ve cut KFed’s child support payments, because it’s obvious that everybody involved in this worked for dusty copies of Playing With Fire.
Believe it or not, the most painful part of that video isn’t the song or the sight of Andy Dick getting off while wiping his asshole with KFed’s CD. What’s really painful is that I still look at KFed and think to myself that I’d totally let him PopoZão me. No, I don’t love myself.
And here’s KFed looking like STAINS‘ strung out second cousin at Crazy Horse III in Las Vegas last December.
Tragic news for those of you whose favorite way to feel completely dead inside was to suffer through Khloe Kartrashian diarrhea’ing at the mouth about how she’s never seen white dick and hid under the bed as her pimp mom and then-stepdad pounded each other’s fuck parts raw. After just three months, Kocktails with Khloe (not to be confused with, Kocks in Kim, the one-time special that made all of them famous) has been tossed in a fiery pill in Hell along with Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals and Kim Kartrashian’s original face.
FYI, the basic cable network that aired that trash, is apparently saying that Khlozilla’s shit show is on hold indefinitely (how very Janet Jackson of them), but by “on hold indefinitely” they really mean that it’s never ever coming back. TMZ is hearing (read: PMK whispered a sweet nothing into Harvey Levin’s open ear) that FYI and Khloe both decided that it’s best if they walk away. Khloe wants to do other projects and FYI knows that she’s over it. I’m sure the show getting put down had nothing to do with the ratings, because I’m sure billions of people really wanted to watch a melting wax figure get plastered while talking about her sisters’ pussy situations.
They’ve already shot a few more episodes, so FYI will air them before completely washing their hands of that Kardashi-shit.
Well, since Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna (or should we call her, Angela Kardashian) are now engaged and Keeping Up with the Kardashians just got a whole new story arc, I’m guessing that PMK is going to need her entire stable of hos on deck. Khloe is going to need to shoot an entire episode where she threatens Blac Chyna by putting a cut-open butt implant in Blac Chyna’s bed. PMK is going to need their heads all the way in the game, which will be a feat since their heads are permanently shoved up their Tempur-pedic asses.
And if you’re in the Vail, Colorado area and just heard on the news that a rabid Sasquatch is on the prowl, don’t worry. It’s just Khloe:
This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.
Rob Kartrashian, the shame stain on the Kartrashians’ pristine reputation, hasn’t been on the family’s whore show Krapping Up The Kartrashians for a while, because he apparently hates them more than he hates vegetables not covered with nacho cheese and they don’t want the entire world to know that they’re related to a fat fat fatty. But because KUWTK’s season 11 ratings were reportedly lower than Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals, producers may be looking to boost that shit by showing Rob’s totally real and 100% authentic relationship with Blac Chyna. Um, the producers should know that if they really want the ratings to shoot into the universe and beyond, they should do a very special episode where they drop the Kartrashians and their wart hog asses into a pit full of starving tigers.
This trans-hating disaster really, really cares about gender labels and I really don’t, which is why I’m perfectly okay with calling her the King, Queen, Prince, Princess, Duke, Duchess, Court Jester and Serf of the Canadian rap game! All hail!
As North Carolina state Legislature said “fuck you” to a bunch of ordinances that protected the LGBT community from discrimination, this attack on trans people and many of my senses made the rounds yesterday. A few of you farted this into my inbox with an e-mail subject that read: “transphobic Canadian rap.” Before watching it, I figured that Michelle Duggar moved to Canada to become a rapper. But this isn’t Michelle Duggar. This is Michelle Duggar’s Canadian third cousin who is protesting against trans-inclusive bathroom legislation in Alberta by releasing a rap song that has made my ears want to protest against me for pressing play on this shit.
In the “song” called “Gender Bender,” this Christian mom, who goes by the rap name MH Weibe, lets her province know that they need to THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Okay, but was MH Weibe thinking of the children when she warbled out a “rap song” that’ll cause pain to their poor little eardrums and also cause them to develop premature wrinkles from all the cringing they’ll do while watching her video? MH Weibe also burps up something about the animal kingdom, but the most offensive part of her song is the fact that she has the flow of a broken rest stop bathroom faucet.
With that said, I’m sure that MH Weibe and MC Mama Grizzly are going to team for a worldwide arena tour (read: they’ll book a couple of church basements in Alberta and perform in Sarah Palin’s living room). Watch it and weep:
You know, if she really wants trans people to stay out of public bathrooms altogether, she should just get every public bathroom to play her rap song. Sure, it’d also keep out ALL humans as well as rats and roaches, but she’d still be able to say that she accomplished her mission.
via Paper Magazine
“Hey Kris, it’s your favorite former douche-in-law, Scott. Listen, I think I got a story line for KUWTK that you might be interested in. I mean, it’s not that juicy, but when it comes to Kourtney’s boring-ass character, you take what you can get, right?”
The last time we checked in on Scott Disick’s tacky nouveau riche penis, it was rubbing against an 18-year-old Canadian model named Lindsay Vrckovnik. Sadly, they broke up, because Scott most likely got tired of having to make small talk with her parents in the living room every time he came to pick her up. She’s now been replaced with another model.
According to UsWeekly, Scott’s newest girlfriend is a 20-year-old model named Christine Burke who looks a whole hell of a lot like the 20-year-old sister of his ex.
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) March 17, 2016
UsWeekly says Scott and the Designer Imposters version of Kendall Jenner have been banging for a few weeks. It’s also apparently serious enough that Scott brought her to Joe Francis’ Casa del Dirtbag in Punta Mita, Mexico earlier this month.
Scott’s new girlfriend doesn’t look exactly like Kendall (I’m also getting She’s All That-era Rachael Leigh Cook). But that shouldn’t stop the producers of KUWTK from making this lookalike Kendall situation work to their advantage. If I’ve learned anything from soap operas, it’s that there’s no better way to grab some ratings than by introducing a long-lost twin. And it would be so easy: just change Christine to Kristine and make up something about her and Kendall being accidentally separated at birth. Sure it’s a bit of a stretch, but it’s still more believable than the storyline about Kendall’s “relationship” with Harry Styles.
Here’s more of Scott Disick doing…whatever it is Scott Disick does, as well as the real Kendall Jenner at a Lakers game earlier this week with teenage lipgloss mogul Kylie Jenner.
Hide Yo Daughters! Hide Yo Wives! You Know What… Everybody Should Just Hide, Because Josh Duggar Is Out Of Rehab
And now you’re probably out of a monitor, because you broke yours after punching that picture of Josh Duggar’s “th-th-th-that’s all folks” face. It’s natural. We were all born with that instinct.
Around six months ago, the punchable potato Josh Duggar was sent to a Christian labor camp masquerading as a “treatment center” after he was caught trolling for side poon on Ashley Madison. Josh went there to cure himself of his sinful sinful addiction to loving porn and fucking. That was all just Duggar code for, “We need Joshie to go away for a while until everyone forgets that silly child touching and cheating stuff, so that TLC will give us our show back.” TLC pretty much gave them their show back, so now the factory-defected Mr. Potato Head doll can come out and pretend like his peen is cured from wanting to dive into cooch that isn’t attached to his wife.
Both Entertainment Tonight and People say that Josh Duggar has checked out of the bible-based rehab facility he was in for months. ET says that he left a few days ago and his “whereabouts are unknown.” Well, he’s either showing that praying away his desire to have sex for other than baby-making reasons worked and he’s screwing a pile of hookers in the room of a Comfort Inn somewhere, or he’s rehearsing the post-rehab interview he’s going to do with Megyn Kelly for Fox News. I’m going with the latter.
Of course, Josh’s wife Anna Duggar, who may be knocked up with their 5th child, has forgiven him and will take him back, because she’s been brainwashed into being Michelle Duggar 2.0. Which is why it’s going to be hard watching that inevitable Fox News interview. Anna is most likely going to silently sit there, blinking at Josh like a Furby on caffeine pills as he says that the power of God cured him of his dick’s need to wander….while he punches at his crotch because his dick keeps wanting to wander over to Megyn Kelly.
As her black sheep brother got all the attention on Instagram the other night, Pimp Mama Kris’ former #1 ho Kim Kartrashian was feeling lonely and unloved in the corner, so she tried to get attention by posting an old picture of her looking thirsty and Photoshopped. You know, like we’ve never seen her before and by “like we’ve never seen her before,” I mean “like we’ve seen her a zillion times.” Kim’s fame whore energy bars filled up, just like she wanted, because she got a lot of attention including some from international treasure Bette Midler who piped in because she knows all about trash.