The knocked-up talking Malibu Stacy doll (“Thinking is hard. Let’s go shopping”) known as Kim Kardashian made an appearance at Givenchy’s first-ever NYFW show last night, because of course she did. She was probably dropping off Kanye West’s overnight bag to Riccardo Tisci’s assistant and decided “What the hell, I might as well stick around and see what kind of foolery Kanye will be replacing my wardrobe with.”
Apparently the Givenchy show was a tribute to 9/11 and it opened with a one-hour art performance thing directed by Marina Abramovic. Which sort of explains why Kim showed up looking like she did; you gotta work extra hard for attention when you’re up against all that. I don’t know what look Kim was going for – excuse me – what look Kanye was going for, but I’m guessing either ‘dancer from a The Craft-themed strip club in mourning after her favorite client died’ or ‘slutty drawing of a Victorian-era hot air balloon.’
But really, I have no idea what is going on in the stomach area of Kim’s outfit. It looks like her pregnant belly is awkwardly trying to cover itself up with those panties. Although to be honest, if I were that baby and I found out the person I’m living in went out in public looking like that, I’d try to hide too.
Regardless of whatever I’m looking at, I do know there’s a very angry Pimp Mama Kris Jenner storming around the Kardashian Khompound, demanding to know who took the curtains from her boudoir.
Here’s more of Kim in Morticia Addams cosplay (if all cosplay items were dug out of a dumpster behind a Frederick’s of Hollywood’s outlet store, of course) at the Givenchy show with Riccardo’s #1 fan, Kanye.
You’ll never believe this, but it was Pride in Atlanta last week and at one of the events, gay dudes showed up. I know, it’s like going to Coachella and seeing chicks in flower crowns and coochie cutters rolling on Molly. CRAZY!
Melissa Scott, a party promoter who is co-founder of the entertainment group Traxx Girls, tells Georgia Voice that Chris Brown was booked to make an appearance at a lesbian Pride party over the weekend. Fisty was supposed to introduce Teyana Taylor, who is currently on tour with him. The Traxx Girls put the sore on humanity’s right labia lip on their flyer and used his name to promote the event. On the night of the event, The Difficult Brown supposedly showed up to the venue, but refused to enter, because he found out that gay dudes were inside. Well, at least we know that gay dudes are Chris Brown’s kryptonite and if we never want him to leave the house again, we should just line his front yard with nothing but gays. I’ll gladly volunteer.
I know, what a shocker, right? Gross garbage person is still gross. Okay, so I know you probably just got your gag reflex to finally calm down and end the violent dry heaves you got after watching Tyga’s video for “Stimulated” starring his 18-year-old girlfriend and current reason for relevancy, Kylie Jenner. But you better go grab some Pepto, because Tyga once again did something that will make you feel like you ate some bad clams. (Note: Bad Klams sounds like an all-Kardashian parody of Bad Blood).
While Khloe Kardashian was making the internet feel uncomfortable by reminding everyone that she once got a tattoo that said “Daddy” right above her ass, her little sister’s boyfriend was making people feel uncomfortable in real life. According to TMZ, Tyga performed at something called the First Slice Media Party last night, which is apparently the world’s largest pizza festival. Dear pizza: Are you that hard up for talent that Tyga is the best you could get? You’re pizza – have some respect for yourself. Anyways, Tyga clearly didn’t want any of that pizza to stay inside people’s stomachs for very long, because he uttered the barf-making words “Where all the little girls at?” before performing “Loyal.”
Some people (TMZ) thinks he’s saying “little” and some people think he’s saying “loyal“, but I’ll let you be the judge. Here’s the video of it. The exact moment that Chris Hansen’s pedo sense started tingling happens around the 0:17 mark.
I want to believe that Tyga was trolling people with his gross ways, but I don’t know. He could be saying “loyal” and he could be saying “little.” Although I wouldn’t be surprised if he was legitimately asking if there were any under 18 types in the audience who would be willing to wait on standby for him, because really, it’s only a matter of time before Kris Jenner finds someone less broke for Kim Jr. and has him written out of KUWTK.
Tyga’s “Stimulated” is probably the most-played song on Woody Allen’s Spotify playlist thanks to lyrics like “They say she young/ I should’ve waited/ She a big girl, dog when she stimulated.” That song made us all scream for an adult and well, start lubricating your tonsils, because you’ll be screaming for an adult again if you choose to watch the video for it.
Tyga has reportedly been sued by his former landlord for over $70,000 in back rent. Well, his former landlord will take comfort in knowing that it looks like Tyga didn’t drop much money into his video. The video for “Stimulated” looks like it was shot on an iPhone 3G in an empty house that a realtor let him use for 30 minutes. Tyga didn’t even have enough money in his non-budget to furnish that house with some Rent-A-Center shit. But I guess the video isn’t really about the house. It’s more about showcasing Tyga’s poetic lyrics, which he writes in a notebook like a true artist, and it’s also about him using Kylie Jenner to get more attention. (And I’m falling for it AGAIN.) Kylie makes an appearance and gets into some awkward hugging and kissing shit with the creepy gecko on a balcony.
I watched this wreck the whole way through, because: 1) I hate myself to the core and; 2) I kept waiting for Chris Hansen to pop out. Chris Hansen disappointed us all.
I will hand one thing (besides a GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL card) to Tyga. “Stimulated” samples Robert Miles’ “Children” and that’s really fitting.
And here’s Tyga and Kylie, who is probably wearing one of Blac Chyna’s old wigs, at the VMAs last night.
Okay maybe just a few comments: Fuck you, Disney! Fuck you right in Mickey Mouse’s asshole!
Last week, the WWE declared themselves Hulk Hogan-free after they confirmed that the jerkyfied walrus spewed out a bunch of racist shit in a sex tape. The National Enquirer and Radar published Hulk Hogan’s Paula Deen-approved dirty racist talk after they somehow got a hold of sealed transcripts from his sex tape. The transcripts were under seal by the court, because they’re part of Hulk Hogan’s $100 million lawsuit against Gawker.
Since Hulk got dropped by the WWE, he’s wondered why it’s not okay for him to say the n-word, but it’s okay for President Obama to say it while talking about racism in an interview. Hulk has also been re-tweeting pictures of his black Twitter followers to prove that he’s not a racist. Well, he better find pictures of his gay Twitter followers to re-tweet, because he’s about to get a slap down letter from GLAAD.
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
Dumb, naive me. Here I was thinking that Shia LaBeouf somehow found a way to curb his asshole ways. Lately, the only things he’s been found guilty of doing are humping the American flag by doing the most ‘Murican thing of all time (read: line dancing to a Steve Earle song in a Stay USA Hotel parking lot in South Dakota) and bringing Gummo glamour to the forefront with his clip-on rattail. But well, if the German tabloid Bild is telling the truth, then Shia LaDouche is back to being an extra chunky shit stain on humanity.
Buzzfeed says that Bild reported that 29-year-old Shia and his 22-year-old girlfriend of 2 years, Mia Goth, got into a screaming fight on Friday as they left a taxi outside of a hotel in Tübingen, Germany. Mia is in Germany to film a horror movie. One witness said that Shia looked drunk and he allegedly told Mia that he did not want to become “aggressive” with her as she pulled at his backpack and begged him to stay.
The argument got so messy that a group of locals had to jump in and break them up. They could’ve easily broken it up by waving a bar of soap at Shia since soap is obviously his arch rival and he’ll run away from it. The locals didn’t bust a CITIZEN’S ARREST on Shia or turn him over to the cops. Instead, they gave him a ride to the airport and during that ride, he allegedly told them that he would’ve killed Mia if they didn’t break up the fight.
The fight reportedly left Shia with a jacked-up hand (from punching a wall, possibly) and Mia had a black eye the next day. Bild’s story doesn’t say how Mia got a black eye and it doesn’t say if witnesses saw Shia hit her. Reps for Mia and Shia had nothing to say about Bild’s story.
Since Shia seems to have been cut from the same angry shit head cloth as Sean Penn, this story seems pretty believable. Shia also has a history of being a drunk mess and punching walls. If it is true, Shia’s mother needs to finally come and collect his Oedipus ass. And Mia needs to ruuuuun, ruuuun and keep running until she gets to the safe house where her eyebrows have been waiting for her ever since they checked off of her face because they wanted no part of her relationship with Shia.
UPDATE: Entertainment Tonight posted a video taken by the men who gave Shia a ride to the airport. The edited video starts with Shia getting out of the taxi and telling Mia, “I don’t wanna touch you. I don’t wanna be aggressive. This is the kind of shit that makes a person abusive.” Those lines are straight out of the first page of a book called “Shit A Batterer Says.” Mia takes his backpack at one point and Shia begs her to give it back to him. Once in the car, Shia tells the dudes that he would’ve killed her and then he tries to FaceTime with Megan Fox. Because Megan Fox probably has Shia’s name in her contacts as “DO NOT PICK UP NO MATTER WHAT,” the FaceTime session doesn’t happen. When they get to the airport, a plastered Shia looks into the camera and tells the dudes that he’ll take care of them if they come to L.A. The video auto-plays, so it’s after the cut.
Just a helpful production note for anyone who is planning on recording a menacing video message for their enemies any time in the near future: it’s difficult to appear tough when it looks like you’re filming in front of the Home Depot garden center.
Trace Cyrus, the Cousin Eddie to Miley’s Clark Griswold (technically I think they’re both the Cousin Eddie, but just go with me on this one) recently crawled out of the shallow end of gene pool and reminded us that he’s still a thing by threatening to fight other bands. That’s right. If you’re in a band and you’ve been talking shit about Trace Cyrus’ band, he WILL kick your ass…but only if you agree to sign a lengthy waiver promising that you will not sue him.
Hulk: So whatcha gonna do when the Hulkster runs racist on you?
WWE: Um, fire you.
WWE announced this morning that they are done with barbecued piece of gristle Hulk Hogan because of a leaked transcript where he uses his deep fried mouth slit to shit out the n-word a bunch of times. The WWE’s website is now 40% less orange, because they have already erased every sign of Hulk Hogan from it. They released this statement:
“WWE terminated its contract with Terry Bollea (aka Hulk Hogan). WWE is committed to embracing and celebrating individuals from all backgrounds as demonstrated by the diversity of our employees, performers and fans worldwide.”