“Bill Cosby Schools You On Rape Allegations” is something you’d expect to see on a Learning Annex sign outside of a Holiday Inn conference room in the Ninth Circle of HELL. But apparently, that’s something you may see on a sign outside of a theater near you. This is like Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop’s rendition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It. The devil is real.
And here I thought I was going to take the title of Trick Who Had The Most Pathetic Memorial Day Weekend by passing out in a plastic pool on the front lawn after getting drunk on vodka and Country Time lemonade by myself, but Tiger Woods has me beat. The Dramatic Fall of Tiger Woods just got a new chapter…
Scott Baio, the corroded dick cheese nugget clinging to an ingrown hair on humanity’s right ballsack, has shit on “fake news” on Twitter before. But over the weekend, his dim dumb ass fell for fake news and he repeated a wrong rumor about how the Joanie to his Chachi, Erin Moran, died. Erin died at the age of 56 at her home in New Salisbury, Indiana on Saturday. Erin had a history of addiction, so it didn’t take long for a tabloid to burp up a story about how she died of an overdose. The Daily Mail said that a “source” told them that Erin died of a suspected heroin overdose. That rumor was picked up by others and Scott Baio eventually saw it.
Bringing about world peace with a can of carbonated sugar water must really overheat a trick.
Yesterday, Pepsi caused a firestorm that was bigger than the one on Michael Jackson’s head while shooting that commercial in the 80s. Pepsi butt burped up an extra thick shit balloon of a commercial that showed Kendull Jenner ditching a modeling shoot to join a protest where she bravely brings everyone together with a can of Pepsi. Ridiculous! Everyone knows that the only syguary drink that has the power to change the world was Orbitz, bitches!
The dumb battle between Sofia Vergara and her chunky skid mark of an ex, Nick Loeb, is still going on. Nick is suing Sofia for the right to implant their frozen embryos (that were made when they were together) into a leased baby oven. Sofia wants the embryos to stay frozen. Nick’s lawsuit was originally filed in California, but last year he re-filed it in Louisiana and probably because it’s an “embryo safe haven” and he has a better chance at winning there. The Daily Beast says that the Onion Crunch mogul filed more papers in court. These latest papers are supposed to show what the problems in their relationship were. They also show what an ass he is.
Any day now, trillions of locusts will swarm the land, Satan will crawl out of Hell to high-five his homeboy Trump and nukes will fly above our heads. And as the world crashes down around us and we all run for our lives, you can count on one thing: Amidst the chaos of it all, LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville will be looking at each other like, “Ewww, your implants are jank, your weave is trash, you totally have cankles and Eddie said my pussy tastes sweeter, bitch!”
LeAnn v. Brandi is the roach of feuds, and like roaches, it apparently can be found amongst the trash and scum. The Dirty recently noticed that Brandi unfollowed her forever arch rival LeAnn on both Twitter and Instagram. James McGibney, the owner of the site BullyVille, tells The Dirty that Brandi broke up with LeAnn on social media after finding out that the diabolical luck dragon allegedly hired a professional troll (and yes, that’s what I write under “occupation” on my tax returns) to stalk and harass her. LeAnn Rimes is 34 years old. I’m pointing that out, because I’m around her age and I thought I acted like a bitchy immature tween (see: Everything I write on this blog and the fact that I asked my friend if my ex’s current boyfriend is hotter than me. The answer was yes.) But this two Dollar Tree clearance bin Regina George has me beat.