Last week, the WWE declared themselves Hulk Hogan-free after they confirmed that the jerkyfied walrus spewed out a bunch of racist shit in a sex tape. The National Enquirer and Radar published Hulk Hogan’s Paula Deen-approved dirty racist talk after they somehow got a hold of sealed transcripts from his sex tape. The transcripts were under seal by the court, because they’re part of Hulk Hogan’s $100 million lawsuit against Gawker.
Since Hulk got dropped by the WWE, he’s wondered why it’s not okay for him to say the n-word, but it’s okay for President Obama to say it while talking about racism in an interview. Hulk has also been re-tweeting pictures of his black Twitter followers to prove that he’s not a racist. Well, he better find pictures of his gay Twitter followers to re-tweet, because he’s about to get a slap down letter from GLAAD.
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
Dumb, naive me. Here I was thinking that Shia LaBeouf somehow found a way to curb his asshole ways. Lately, the only things he’s been found guilty of doing are humping the American flag by doing the most ‘Murican thing of all time (read: line dancing to a Steve Earle song in a Stay USA Hotel parking lot in South Dakota) and bringing Gummo glamour to the forefront with his clip-on rattail. But well, if the German tabloid Bild is telling the truth, then Shia LaDouche is back to being an extra chunky shit stain on humanity.
Buzzfeed says that Bild reported that 29-year-old Shia and his 22-year-old girlfriend of 2 years, Mia Goth, got into a screaming fight on Friday as they left a taxi outside of a hotel in Tübingen, Germany. Mia is in Germany to film a horror movie. One witness said that Shia looked drunk and he allegedly told Mia that he did not want to become “aggressive” with her as she pulled at his backpack and begged him to stay.
The argument got so messy that a group of locals had to jump in and break them up. They could’ve easily broken it up by waving a bar of soap at Shia since soap is obviously his arch rival and he’ll run away from it. The locals didn’t bust a CITIZEN’S ARREST on Shia or turn him over to the cops. Instead, they gave him a ride to the airport and during that ride, he allegedly told them that he would’ve killed Mia if they didn’t break up the fight.
The fight reportedly left Shia with a jacked-up hand (from punching a wall, possibly) and Mia had a black eye the next day. Bild’s story doesn’t say how Mia got a black eye and it doesn’t say if witnesses saw Shia hit her. Reps for Mia and Shia had nothing to say about Bild’s story.
Since Shia seems to have been cut from the same angry shit head cloth as Sean Penn, this story seems pretty believable. Shia also has a history of being a drunk mess and punching walls. If it is true, Shia’s mother needs to finally come and collect his Oedipus ass. And Mia needs to ruuuuun, ruuuun and keep running until she gets to the safe house where her eyebrows have been waiting for her ever since they checked off of her face because they wanted no part of her relationship with Shia.
UPDATE: Entertainment Tonight posted a video taken by the men who gave Shia a ride to the airport. The edited video starts with Shia getting out of the taxi and telling Mia, “I don’t wanna touch you. I don’t wanna be aggressive. This is the kind of shit that makes a person abusive.” Those lines are straight out of the first page of a book called “Shit A Batterer Says.” Mia takes his backpack at one point and Shia begs her to give it back to him. Once in the car, Shia tells the dudes that he would’ve killed her and then he tries to FaceTime with Megan Fox. Because Megan Fox probably has Shia’s name in her contacts as “DO NOT PICK UP NO MATTER WHAT,” the FaceTime session doesn’t happen. When they get to the airport, a plastered Shia looks into the camera and tells the dudes that he’ll take care of them if they come to L.A. The video auto-plays, so it’s after the cut.
Just a helpful production note for anyone who is planning on recording a menacing video message for their enemies any time in the near future: it’s difficult to appear tough when it looks like you’re filming in front of the Home Depot garden center.
Trace Cyrus, the Cousin Eddie to Miley’s Clark Griswold (technically I think they’re both the Cousin Eddie, but just go with me on this one) recently crawled out of the shallow end of gene pool and reminded us that he’s still a thing by threatening to fight other bands. That’s right. If you’re in a band and you’ve been talking shit about Trace Cyrus’ band, he WILL kick your ass…but only if you agree to sign a lengthy waiver promising that you will not sue him.
Hulk: So whatcha gonna do when the Hulkster runs racist on you?
WWE: Um, fire you.
WWE announced this morning that they are done with barbecued piece of gristle Hulk Hogan because of a leaked transcript where he uses his deep fried mouth slit to shit out the n-word a bunch of times. The WWE’s website is now 40% less orange, because they have already erased every sign of Hulk Hogan from it. They released this statement:
“WWE terminated its contract with Terry Bollea (aka Hulk Hogan). WWE is committed to embracing and celebrating individuals from all backgrounds as demonstrated by the diversity of our employees, performers and fans worldwide.”
And today in “THIS BITCH,” Bill Cosby’s lawyers filed papers yesterday to block further release of the deposition where he admitted to buying Quaaludes to give to women for “sex” and made us all wet heave up our internal organs by bragging about all the “seduction techniques” he used on the young women he wanted to get with. The deposition Bill threw up was part of the lawsuit filed against him by Andrea Constand who accused him of drugging and assaulting her in early 2004. The case ended with a settlement. Bill’s lawyers are now crying that because his deposition was given to the media, the settlement agreement was violated. Bill Cosby’s lawyers want the rest of the settlement details (like how many stacks of $100 bills Cosby passed to Andrea) sealed and kept from public eyes. Cosby’s lawyers continued to diarrhea out a whine fest by saying that the media twisted what he said in the deposition to make him look like a sleazy rapist. I’m pretty sure Bill Cosby deserves all the credit for that, but whatever.
We can never ever believe anything that comes out of Paris Hilton’s mouth again. When she releases another “leaked” sex tape for attention and we all watch her spit up a load of cum in it, we’ll ask ourselves, “Is it really man leche or is it watered down goat milk?” Everything that dribbles out of her mouth is a falsity. What’s next? We’re going to find out that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar lied through their Jesus teeth during that Fox News interview? The world is a lie.
Parasite Hilton recently threatened to sue the Egyptian production company of the show that pranked her by making her believe that she was about to die in a plane crash. Paris claimed she knew nothing about the prank. But her threats are probably full of shit, like her, because TMZ says that she was in on the prank. TMZ somehow got a hold of a document (which is one way of saying “the Egyptian production company gave it to them after Paris threatened to sue“) from the Egyptian production company that was passed to the reps of several American celebrities back in March. The document says that the production company will drop a pile of $$$$ into the lap of the American celebrity who agrees to fake the fear in a faux plane ride gone wrong.
The document states, “We will act as if something is going wrong and ask all passengers to jump off the plane!!! Of course everyone will panic, we’ll be having skydivers in disguise with us on board.”
The doc goes on, “We will monitor the funny reactions from our celebrity guest when they fear jumping off the plane.”
The document also claims that officials in Dubai, including the crown prince, were aware of the fake prank and promised to provide the show with security. Many celebs said no to that shit, but since Paris Hilton’s food of life is attention, she agreed to do it. Apparently, she was paid at least $1 million for it.
TMZ ran into Paris yesterday and asked her about the “prank.” She said that they took it “too far” and it wasn’t not funny.
Yes, I’d gladly fake scream for a million dollars, but still, screw Paris Hilton. (“Guilty!” – 97% of the world) I thought I was going to live my entire life without ever feeling one tiny drop of sympathy for her and she robbed me of that by playing with my emotions. Even after a few of my friends and several of you screamed, “FAKE,” I still believed her and felt a little bit sorry for her. I should have known. The next time a trailer for a Kristen Stewart movie comes out, I’m going to post it along with the words: I believed Paris Hilton’s plane crash acting. Therefore, I am not the one to critique anybody’s acting skills. Even Kristen Stewart’s.
Here’s that scammer being the portrait of modest by wearing a t-shirt with her image on it.
Univision, NBC, Mop Head, Cristian de la Fuente, Miss Mexico, Roselyn Sanchez, Flo Rida and sanity have just gotten more company on the growing list of people, things and companies that want nothing to do with the yelling anal sac named Donald Trump. Macy’s announced today that it will no longer carry the Chinese made shirts and ties of the furry ass goiter who always goes on about how he’ll create more American jobs if he’s president. Macy’s cut ties with Trump after a petition asking them to drop him got 700,000 signatures. Donald Trump’s comments about how Mexican immigrants are rapey drug mules have fucked with Macy’s money, so they are done with him and are making it sound like their morals and beliefs had something to do with their decision. Macy’s released this statement:
“We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about immigrants from Mexico. We do not believe the disparaging characterizations portray an accurate picture of the many Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Latinos who have made so many valuable contributions to the success of our nation. In light of statements made by Donald Trump, which are inconsistent with Macy’s values, we have decided to discontinue our business relationship with Mr. Trump and will phase-out the Trump menswear collection, which has been sold at Macy’s since 2004.”
Because Donald Trump is that herpes outbreak that screams, “You’re not getting rid of me! I’m getting rid of YOU! I’m sick of being stuck to you, loser!” after you put some ointment on it, he’s doing what he did after NBC dropped him. He’s claiming on Instagram that he’s the one who broke up with Macy’s.
Donald Trump was so bothered by Macy’s selling stuff with his name on it from China that he let them sell that shit for over 10 years. That makes sense! I’m sure Donald Trump will take all that money he made from Macy’s and use it to create American jobs. The first job he creates should be a personal creative writer who will write statements for him that actually make sense.
The executives at Macy’s should go ahead and call their local hospital to let them know that they’re going to need to come in soon to have their lungs re-installed, because they’re definitely going to laugh them out when Donald Trump sues for them for $500 million like he did to Univision. Trump followed up on his promise to sue Univision by filing a lawsuit yesterday for $500 million. Trump says that Univision violated their contract and also violated his right to freedom of speech under the First Amendment. So yeah, Trump definitely doesn’t know how the First Amendment works. What a wonderful quality for a presidential candidate to have!
Because daddy gets to do whatever daddy wants on Father’s Day,
Father of the Year Deadbeat Daddy of the Decade Charlie Sheen spent his Father’s Day being an asshole on Twitter. Uh, Happy Father’s Day?
Rather than waking up to a whole bunch of home-made paper ties and enjoying breakfast in bed, Charlie woke up from the pile of cigarette ash and stanky porn star thongs he slept in the night before, hopped on Twitter, and hissed like a barely-coherent methed-up snake at the mother of two of his children, Denise Richards. Charlie’s Father’s Day message, which has since been deleted – because apparently there’s at least one small shred of shame left in his body – was written in his signature crackhead free verse. So, just a heads up to those of you who get a headache every time you read the shit Charlie Sheen writes.
A Tyga song called “Pleazer” was shat up onto the Internet yesterday and it has already become PedoBear’s alarm song, ring tone and life anthem thanks to truly poetic lyrics about illegal sex.
The Woody Allen of hip hop raps about how he squeezes a coochie over a juice cup every morning (But is the coochie juice pulp free?) and instead of using fingerprint technology to unprotect his iPhone, he uses dickprint technology (And he wonders why his iPhone automatically calls 911 right after he unprotects it with his dick.) But the lyric that has got everyone whistling for Chris Hansen to parachute into Tyga’s house is the lyric where it sounds like he’s bragging about doing statutory rape shit. The lyrics are below and I need to remind you that Tyga wrote them. If I didn’t remind you, you may think that I copy + pasted a work from Edgar Allen Poe (more like Edgar Allen Pedo) since it’s that poetic:
Shout-out all my bitcheses, you call the mistresses
I just hit and forget they even existeded
Ha, it’s all the same though
I changed the lingo, gave her dangle, bury the dang ho
I’m fuckin’ faster, I’m gettin’ stronger
I hit her, she backwards, lickin’ her asshole
My dick is the password
T nasty, ’bout to catch a felony for it
Vagina juice like orange juice in the mornin’
It’s as if Humbert Humbert was a real-life person and was reincarnated into Tyga. BUT WAIT! Tyga tells TMZ that those Polanski-approved lyrics aren’t even about 17-year-old longtime bully victim Kylie Jenner. Tyga claims that his brain vommed up those lyrics 2 years ago when he was still with Blac Chyna. Uh huh. Tyga’s mouth is about as reliable as a fortune cookie. Everything he spits out is a lie! But you know, I doubt Pimp Mama Kris cares and I’m sure that at the club tonight, she’s going to request “Pleazer” and will scream, “THAT’S MY BAAAAAAY-BEEEE HE’S RAPPING ABOUT,” while she sprays her chest with champagne as she gives her boy toy victim a lap dance.
And here’s Kylie checking out a college to attend in the fall. No, she’s at Fred Segal.