Bringing about world peace with a can of carbonated sugar water must really overheat a trick.
Yesterday, Pepsi caused a firestorm that was bigger than the one on Michael Jackson’s head while shooting that commercial in the 80s. Pepsi butt burped up an extra thick shit balloon of a commercial that showed Kendull Jenner ditching a modeling shoot to join a protest where she bravely brings everyone together with a can of Pepsi. Ridiculous! Everyone knows that the only syguary drink that has the power to change the world was Orbitz, bitches!
The dumb battle between Sofia Vergara and her chunky skid mark of an ex, Nick Loeb, is still going on. Nick is suing Sofia for the right to implant their frozen embryos (that were made when they were together) into a leased baby oven. Sofia wants the embryos to stay frozen. Nick’s lawsuit was originally filed in California, but last year he re-filed it in Louisiana and probably because it’s an “embryo safe haven” and he has a better chance at winning there. The Daily Beast says that the Onion Crunch mogul filed more papers in court. These latest papers are supposed to show what the problems in their relationship were. They also show what an ass he is.
Any day now, trillions of locusts will swarm the land, Satan will crawl out of Hell to high-five his homeboy Trump and nukes will fly above our heads. And as the world crashes down around us and we all run for our lives, you can count on one thing: Amidst the chaos of it all, LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville will be looking at each other like, “Ewww, your implants are jank, your weave is trash, you totally have cankles and Eddie said my pussy tastes sweeter, bitch!”
LeAnn v. Brandi is the roach of feuds, and like roaches, it apparently can be found amongst the trash and scum. The Dirty recently noticed that Brandi unfollowed her forever arch rival LeAnn on both Twitter and Instagram. James McGibney, the owner of the site BullyVille, tells The Dirty that Brandi broke up with LeAnn on social media after finding out that the diabolical luck dragon allegedly hired a professional troll (and yes, that’s what I write under “occupation” on my tax returns) to stalk and harass her. LeAnn Rimes is 34 years old. I’m pointing that out, because I’m around her age and I thought I acted like a bitchy immature tween (see: Everything I write on this blog and the fact that I asked my friend if my ex’s current boyfriend is hotter than me. The answer was yes.) But this two Dollar Tree clearance bin Regina George has me beat.
Roman Polanski pleaded no contest to raping and drugging a 13-year-old girl in 1977, and the story goes that he struck a plea bargain with prosecutors that would require him to serve only 48 days in prison. Yes, only 48 days for anally raping a child. Subway Jared wishes.
Roman’s lawyers claim that the judge in the case, Judge Laurence Rittenband, signed off on that deal. Roman served 42 days, and when he got out of the clink in Chino, CA, he learned that Judge Laurence’s mind had changed. Judge Laurence told prosecutors that he wanted Roman to serve 50 years in prison. PedoBear’s second favorite director, after Woody Allen, didn’t want to spend most of his life in prison, so a day before sentencing in 1978, he busted out of the U.S. and headed for Europe.
He was living free in Europe until 2009, when he was arrested in Switzerland and lived under house arrest for almost a year while fighting extradition to the U.S. The Swiss government eventually rejected the U.S.’s extradition request and set him free. And now Roman is sick of being a fugitive and wants to come back to the U.S. to prove that the late Judge Lawrence wronged him. I hope you keep a box of Kleenex on your desk, because I’m sure you’ll need to wipe that tear that trickled down your cheek after reading about the woe of being poor Roman Polanski.
My thoughts exactly about that headline, Mad Mel.
While promoting his movie Hacksaw Ridge last September, Mel Gibson was asked to shit up his thoughts about the bloated budgets of superhero movies. That led to talk about Batman v. Superman and Mel called it a piece of shit and said he’s not into Spandex and superhero movies:
I’m not interested in the stuff. Do you know what the difference between real superheroes and comic book superheroes is? Real superheroes didn’t wear spandex. So I don’t know. Spandex must cost a lot.
So, since it’s obvious that Mad Mel is the biggest fan of Warner Bros’ superhero movies, they are talking to him about possibly directing the sequel to the critical shit log, but box office hit, Suicide Squad. What a smart decision! That’s as if Hillary Clinton decided to run for president again and asked Susan Sarandon to be her campaign manager.
The divorce between Bethenny Frankel, of the Real DrunkMesses New York City, and Jason Hoppy was finally finalized last year after a messy 4-year-long fight, but it looks like the smegma-covered drama lives on. Page Six says that Jason was arrested on Friday and charged with harassing and stalking his ex-wife. Jason reportedly showed up to their 6-year-old daughter’s school and screamed, “I will destroy you,” at Bethenny. Now, I love some Dynasty-like drama that involves a crazy bitch vowing to destroy another, but it kind of ruins the moment when there’s little kids around. Alexis Carrington taught me that when you say the words, “I will destroy you,” you should pause for a second afterward for maximum dramatic effect and it’s kind of hard to do that when children are crying.