Category: Trash

Brooke Mueller’s Assistant Says That Brooke Forced Him To Be A Drug Mule And Watch While She Had Sex

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

According to court documents obtained by Radar, Brooke Mueller (aka the craziest of Charlie’s Angels) is being sued by her former assistant, Lior Masaphor, who worked for Brooke from 2012 to 2013. Even though Brooke looks like a blissed-out namaste hippie stoner type, Lior says she’s actually a drug-snorting slave driver. Lior claims that he worked over 130-hours a week and was forced to “engage in repetitive illegal and unsavory actions at the specific instance and request of Brooke Mueller.” Such illegal and unsavory (“unsavory” – how very Dowager Countess of you, Lior) acts included being Brooke’s drug mule, transporting drugs, fetching drugs, babysitting her kids while she got high on drugs and/or babysitting her kids while she got high on drugs and fucked a pile of people, and watching her drugs while she fucked a pile of people.

Lior also says he wasn’t exactly compensated for his drug-running and child-watching; he was paid $2400 a month, which works out to about $4.47/hour when you’re working 130-hours a week. You’d think that getting paid Tooth Fairy money to watch Brooke Mueller snort crystal meth and tame a bunch of random strange in the middle of the living room while her two kids watch Go Diego Go in the den would be enough for Lior to quit that bitch effective immediately, but he didn’t, because apparently he’s dumber than Brooke Mueller. Eventually he started complaining too much about having to do illegal shit and not-right shit, so she fired his ass. Now he’s suing her for unspecified damages, attorney’s fees, and a court trial.

You don’t have to be Lionel Hutz to know that Lior doesn’t have a leg to stand on here. Yes, Brooke made him do illegal things like making him shove tied-off condoms filled with crack up his ass at the airport and paying him less than he’d make if he worked at Taco Bell, but Lior agreed to be Brooke’s assistant in 2012; that was prime crazy meth-gobbling Brooke Mueller time! Back in 2012, if someone told me that Brooke Mueller was hiring, I would just assume that “drug mule” was in the job description. It was probably right the title of the Craigslist ad! “Very important googly-eyed star-fucker seeks full-time drug mule. I can pay you in Two and A Half Men DVDs.”

Michelle Duggar Compared Child Molesters To Trans Women

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Two Duggar posts in one day. It’s like a double gift from Hell!

Both of Michelle Duggar’s eyes are giving birth to a litter of teardrops today, but they’re crying for different reasons. Michelle’s left eye is crying tears of pure happiness, because the world finally knows that the Duggar army is growing even more. Michelle Duggar’s right eye is crying tears of bigoted sadness, because the anti-discrimination ordinance that she was trying to keep from passing, passed.

Early this morning, the City Council of Fayetteville, Arkansas passed an anti-discrimination ordinance that protects citizens from being discriminated against because of their age, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, gender identity, gender expression, race, religion, nationality, veteran status, disability and how much money they’ve got their bank account. It makes sense, but of course some bitches tried to stop it from going forward. One of those bitches was Michelle Duggar.

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Gene Simmons Apologizes For Telling Depressed People To Kill Themselves

August 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Why? Why? Why did I have to find out on the Lord’s Day that when Gene Simmons frowns, his cheeks look like saggy grandma tits? I could’ve handled it if I found out on a Monday. And now I’m depressed.

Back in July, notorious butt dingle Gene Simmons told SongFacts.com that he really has no sympathy for depressed people and drug addicts. The interview went unnoticed when it first came out, but after Robin Williams’ suicide, it made its way around the Internet. Gene was asked if he gets along with the original members of Kiss and he said that he doesn’t, because he doesn’t get along with drug addicts and anyone who “has a dark cloud over their head and sees themselves as a victim.”

Gene said that if you want to know real pain and suffering, talk to his mother, because she was in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. So unless the Nazis are beating you while holding you against your will in a concentration camp, you have no right to see the world as a shitty place. Oh Gene, the world was a shitty place then, it can be a shitty place now and it’s an even shittier place when you open up your crusty diarrhea slit of a mouth and speak words.

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O.J. Simpson Is Obsessed With Kim Kardashian, Says He’s Going To Marry Her When He Gets Out Of Prison

August 13, 2014 / Posted by:

“Terrific! Are you interested in the 3 month or 6 month marriage option? I’ll have Satan fax you over a Kardashian Kontract as soon as possible!” – Pimp Mama Kris.

According to Radar, O.J. Simpson (who sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt being choked by Leia in this picture, right?) has all the other dudes in prison writing letters to Kim Kardashian that start with the words: “Hooker, you in danger girl”, because he’s been saying some next-level creepy shit about his former defense attorney’s daughter. A prison insider (SNITCH!) claims that O.J. has wallpapered his cell with pictures from Kim’s 2007 Playboy spread, reads every magazine article about her that he can get his hands on, and demands silence every time Kim’s airbrushed Droopy Dog face appears on the television. But wait! It gets creepier!

“O.J. said he always thought she was a cute girl when she was younger,” the source said, “but it has only been since he’s been in prison his infatuation with her has grown to a full-blown obsession.”

Ew ew ew ew. Now is a good time to remind you that O.J. and his then-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson used to go on vacation with the Kardashian family all the time in the 80s and 90s, which means O.J. Simpson WAS that pervert friend of their dad (“Hey Kim, I bet you $20 you can’t touch your elbows behind your back!”). The source also goes on to say that O.J. thinks he’s got a chance with Kim, because bitch has a type:

Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush, who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days.

And according to the source, it doesn’t matter that Kim is kurrently married to Kanye West; O.J. is eligible for parole in 2017 and he’s already fixin’ on becoming Husband #7 if he’s let out (I think it’s safe to assume that Kim will have been married another 4 times between now and 2017).

“As long as I am in prison, I can’t be with her, so Kanye can have her for now. But when I get out she’s mine.”

Damn, even Marky Mark in Fear is like “Take it easy Juice, you’re coming off a little crazy.” But the thing that’s making me crawl into the fetal position is that Pimp Mama Kris is probably back at Kastle Kardashian weighing out the pros and cons as we speak. “Pro: Publicity. Con: It’s O.J. Simpson. Pro: Attention. Con: Still O.J. Simpson. Hmmm…this is a tough one.”

And here’s the rotten road apple of O.J. Simpson’s eye in the Hamptons having lunch with Khloe Kardashian (who almost flashed us her Wookiee pouch) and the come-to-life Salacious B. Crumb Jonathan Cheban.

Pics: Splash

The Kardashians Are Refusing To Keep Shooting Because They Think The KUWTK Krew Is Stealing From Them

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Ever since a sticky-fingered bandit made off with $54,000 of Kourtney Kardashian’s kash from her home and $250,000 worth of Khloe Kardashian’s jewellery from her house, Kim Kardashian and her krew of skanky sisters have kalled it kwits on filming the tenth season of Keeping Up With A Family of Talentless Trash because they think the burglaries were an inside job.

TMZ says that The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen, KhloTron-2000, and the slow one who humps on Scott Disick are convinced that the person pilfering their cash and joo-rey is one of the poor souls assigned to follow them around with a camera. A source close to the girls (one of the many johns with a Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Hookers Loyalty Kard) claims that Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe all hired extra security and installed more surveillance cameras, but Kourtney still got her shit lifted in the Hamptons earlier this month. Now they’re refusing to continue filming their dumb reality show until producers try to weed out their thieves by forcing the crew to take lie detector tests. Quickly God, use your magic powers to destroy every single polygraph test in the universe!

There’s no need to call The Maury Show just yet; let’s see if I can’t use my powers of deduction to finger the culprit. It’s definitely not any of the crew; they’re all compensated handsomely by Lucifer for taking the jobs nobody else wants and have no need to steal cash. Missing jewelry would lead me to believe it was that glamorous bitch Bruce Jenner, but as if he’d ever be caught dead in last season’s rhinestones. Thousands of dollars in stolen cash would lead me to believe it was their deadbeat sock-hustling brother, but stealing would require his lazy ass to leave the house, so it’s not him. That only leaves…NORTH WEST! Of course! She’s probably stockpiling cash and jewellery in preparation for the day she can get her tiny hands on a fake passport and flee to a tiny island off the coast of Madagascar.

And here’s the silicone-stuffed sedated former porn star taking some time out of her busy schedule of nothing and nothing to pose for the paps in two different outfits.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Kayne West Likes His My Size Barbie Better When She’s A Blonde

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

If a red bandanna hanging out of a back pocket means you’re into fisting, then what does an entire coat made from red bandannas mean? You know what, don’t answer that.

Former porn star, Playboy model, failed tone-deaf pop star, and diet pill spokesperson Kim Kardashian recently admitted to People that the nine times her current husband Kanye West has woken up beside her, he’s been disappointed the living Real Doll laying in a deep Botoxed slumber beside him doesn’t have piss-kissed blonde hair anymore. Even though though she could always put on a cheap wig, Kim says it’s not the same; Kanye wants to play dress-up with Barbie, NOT Teresa!

“Kanye likes the blonde. But I think I’m going to stay dark. I was talking about this yesterday actually with Kanye. He asked if I would ever go back to blonde. I was like, ‘Not right after a baby, because my face was so swollen and it looked like my lips were huge’. My face was just off.”

“My face was just off.”

NEWSFLASH HOOKER, YOUR HAIR COLOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! Don’t throw blonde hair under the bus because you can’t stop stuffing collagen into your duck-lipped dick receiver and injecting Botox into every pore in your face! Aside from that, I don’t believe Kanye ever told Kim he liked her better as a blonde. Kanye would NEVER give someone else a compliment! He probably said: “Kanye West looks very good when Kanye West is standing next to something with blonde hair.”

And I love how she says “Not right after baby” as if she’s planning for a second baby. “You don’t even look after the one you already have!” – is what North West would say to Kim if they were ever in the same room together. NO! That’s not true! Kim is a great mother who totally spends time with North West. See? Here’s Kim and North doing some mommy-daughter bonding at the airport together! Sure, North has the type of terrified look on her face that says she’s searching for an Air Marshal (“Halp! I’m being kidnapped by a sedated stripper!”), but they’re totally technically spending time together!

Pics: InstagramSplash

You Can Take The Hillbilly Chipmunk Out Of The Country….

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though Miley Cyrus is a former A-list Disney child star turned current world-touring drug-gobbling coochie-poppin millionaire, and the daughter of a cultural icon (I’m of course referring to horse-faced hyacinth blossom Tish Cyrus), she’s always more than happy to remind us that she’s just a G-droppin’ banjo-pickin’ chicken-fried Mountain Dew-dipped down-home hillbilly river rat at heart. This weekend, Miley attended a hillbilly hootenanny in the woods with her ol’ pal (literally, too old to be hanging out with her ass) Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips where they dressed up like meth-smoking hicks and got drunk on moonshine. And of course, Miley made sure to Instagram all of it, including a picture of her pissing on a tree. Thank god! I’ve always been curious about what the glue-huffing dirtbag teenage son of the Blair Witch looked like.

But Miley’s “Ah is so cuntry, y’all!” act didn’t end with marking her territory against an oak tree in a pair of cut-offs. No, Miley managed to one-up her own faux-hillbilly self by adopting a pet pig that she named Bubba Sue. »

The Kanye West Deposition Konfessions, Take 2: Kanye Says The Paparazzi Are Worse Than The Nazis

August 7, 2014 / Posted by:

And now for the kontinuing saga of Kanye West vs. The Paparazzi. Yesterday, TMZ began releasing the details of Kanye West’s messy deposition in the case of him smacking the shit out of a pap, starting with an embarrassingly ignorant quote from Kanye comparing his actions against the paparazzi to the black civil rights movement of the 60s (Dr. Donda West, stop whatever fun angel shit you’re doing in heaven and come get your son). Today, TMZ has released more from Kanye’s deposition, and – surprise surprise – it’s the same stinky shit, different delusional pile. Color me a Kim Kardashian shade of shocked (PANTONE 138C – Dirty Sunset).

Nate Goldberg, the pap’s lawyer and Kanye’s current object of cunty affection, asks him once again to explain the lyrics from his pap-hating ballad “Flashing Lights”, this time the line: ”I hate these niggas more than a Nazi.” Goldberg asks Kanye: “So why did you say that you hate the paparazzi more than the Nazis?” and Kanye, who might actually be Justin Bieber in adult asshole disguise, smugly responds:

“Cause that’s what I wanted to say in that song.”

Goldberg then tries to explain that the Nazis were responsible for the murder of six million Jews, at which point Kanye’s lawyer Shawn Holley (aka LiLo’s old lawyer, which pretty much says EVERYTHING about Kanye’s level of intelligence) nervously interrupts Goldberg and tries to suggest they take a recess. Goldberg tells her to STFU and says he’s asking legitimate questions, but Kanye refuses to answer because Goldberg said the n-word again, even though he was directly quoting Kanye:

“But not legitimate to say nigga … ever … ever.”

I guess Kanye wasn’t yet tired of sounding like an obnoxious stupid spoiled teenager, because according to TMZ, he started drilling Nate Goldberg about the use of drones to get exclusive pics of some baby he sort-of knows named North West hanging out with her nannies:

“Is your daughter stalked by like drones? Are there drones flying where she’s trying to learn how to swim at age 1? Wouldn’t you like to just teach your daughter how to swim without a drone flying? What happens if a drone falls right next to her?  Would it electrocute her? Could it fall and hit her if that paparazzi doesn’t understand how to remote control the drone over their house?”

Meanwhile, cut to his dumb hooker wife in the backyard of the Kardashian Kumpound with a giant sign painted on her lumpy billboard of an ass that reads “HEY DRONES, OVER HERE!” and texting one of the nannies to bring her “the kid”, while Pimp Mama Kris waves a set of LED airport traffic batons directing them to the area with the most overhead visibility.

Kim Kartrashian Kries On Twitter About How Big Her Ass Has Gotten

August 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Warning: Whatever you do, do not stare directly into Kim Kartrashian’s kamel toe of doom. If you do, you’ll hear the sound of Pimp Mama Kris cackling mixed in with the sound of a million black peens wailing. That sound will keep you up at night and sleep will never be a friend of yours.

Seen above leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday while dressed like the least popular whore at a brothel that caters strictly to blind men, Kim Kardashian squatted and wet farted out a river of woe on Twitter today about how she hasn’t been able to lose any of the extra chunk she gained while knocked up with North West. Kim desperately wants to lose 20 pounds and my suggestion would be to open up the nozzle on the back of her head and release some air since she’s got at least 30 pounds of dry queefs in there.

Kim plans to go karb-free and she’s going to move into a gym. As Rob Kardashian drowned the pain of being related to those vain pieces of trash by sticking his head in a bowl of macaroni and cheese at Golden Corral, Kim shat up this motivational pile of bullshit.

off to an intense workout. Can’t seem to shake this last 15-20 lbs of baby weight. no more excuses. my baby is 1 years old! UGH

I’m not gonna call it baby weight bc thats an excuse. i just gained weight & that’s it. why is it so much harder to lose after baby though!!

do any of u moms see their bodies just not the same? a different shape? ughhhh my hips & butt are huge now! they were big to begin with!

Just need to get down to my weight a few years ago. Not gonna complain anymore. Starting diet TODAY! No carbs. crazy workouts. Whos with me?

i think after having a baby u get so excited u lost a lot of weight then u get comfortable & eat how you used & it creeps back up.

ok no more tweeting and procrastinating! LOL Glad some of u moms can relate. I’m reading the comments! For real….of to the gym!

wish me luck on the dieting…its soooo hard for me!

I’ve been writing about these trash heap fame whores for so long that I can fluently read Kardashian. Let me translate those tweets for you:

“off to an intense work out” = “Off to the in-house plastic surgery clinic in my mom’s basement where the doctors will attach a Dyson wet vac to the lipo hole on the side of my body and suck out the fat.”

“ughhhh my hips & butt are huge now!” = “My hips and fat ass need to be bigger so they can get even MORE attention. Must ask our in-house plastic surgeon to inject more insulation foam into my ass.

“Starting diet TODAY!” = “Eating a QuickTrim amuse bouche before every meal from now on.

“For real….of to the gym!” = “Must ask the maid to dust off those machines things in the gym so I can take a selfie in front of them.

I know, the struggle Kummy Cakes goes through to lose 20 pounds is real.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Michael Lohan Says Shit Is Getting All Kinds Of Messy For Kate Major In Jail

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Here we go again; Michael Lohan is a drama-loving attention-seeking mess, take 8,303,472 (in the words of the great Mr. Lahey, the shit apple doesn’t fall far from the shit apple tree). According to TMZ, Lindsay’s deadbeat dad claims that his pregnant girlfriend Kate Major (seen above looking like Smurfette and Gargamel after 2-for-1 tequila night at Señor Frogs) is having a super shitty time in jail for her DUI. Michael says that Kate’s vagina has started bleeding on two separate occasions, but when she goes to the infirmary, they give her an ultrasound and tell her she’s fine. Michael is pissed off that the jail didn’t call in a specialist or rush Kate’s ass to the hospital, and Dr. Michael Lohan OB-GYN tells TMZ:

“You know damn well if someone has vaginal bleeding while pregnant that’s indicative of a miscarriage.”

Damn, those Lohans love to throw around the word “miscarriage”, don’t they? Again, shitty apple, shitty apple tree. Michael is also pissed that the jail has forced Kate to “carry her property back to her room” while bleeding from her down-lows. Oh my god, they made Kate carry her own things?? Who’s her CO, Pornstache? Anyways, Michael thinks something in the prison pruno ain’t clean and he’s hired Casey Anthony’s attorney Jose Baez to fight for a court order to have Kate treated properly.

I really hope that Michael Lohan’s attorney is able to get that court order, because I know that if Kate was seen by a professional doctor, he’d take one look at her medical history, see that she already has one child with Michael Lohan and is pregnant with another, determine that she’s clearly insane (she willingly fucked Michael Lohan, after all) and request she be transferred from jail to a psych ward. Then when she gives birth to Major-Lohan Baby No. 2, they can quickly whisk the baby away to a neonatal support group for newborns with extremely fucked up parents. Everybody wins!

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