Last week a shirtless middle-aged dude biked past me happily sing-screaming “Ignition (Remix)” at the top of his lungs, and after I was done marveling at a human living their best life, I began to wonder what R. Kelly had been up to lately. Last we heard, he was getting sued for allegedly wrecking a marriage. As it turns out, R. Kelly has been busy wrecking more than that. Several people have come forward and are alleging that R. Kelly has wrecked their families by luring their daughters into what they’re calling a “cult.” R. Kelly doing not-right shit with young women? How very R. Kelly of him.
Yesterday, Rob Kardashian threw up the messy details of his life with Blac Chyna all over social media. Rob accused Chyna of gold digging scheming, and he also repeatedly Instagrammed and tweeted nudes that she had texted to him. Those nudes have since been deleted, but the damage has been done, and Rob could be in for a world of legal trouble.
“Bill Cosby Schools You On Rape Allegations” is something you’d expect to see on a Learning Annex sign outside of a Holiday Inn conference room in the Ninth Circle of HELL. But apparently, that’s something you may see on a sign outside of a theater near you. This is like Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop’s rendition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It. The devil is real.
And here I thought I was going to take the title of Trick Who Had The Most Pathetic Memorial Day Weekend by passing out in a plastic pool on the front lawn after getting drunk on vodka and Country Time lemonade by myself, but Tiger Woods has me beat. The Dramatic Fall of Tiger Woods just got a new chapter…
Scott Baio, the corroded dick cheese nugget clinging to an ingrown hair on humanity’s right ballsack, has shit on “fake news” on Twitter before. But over the weekend, his dim dumb ass fell for fake news and he repeated a wrong rumor about how the Joanie to his Chachi, Erin Moran, died. Erin died at the age of 56 at her home in New Salisbury, Indiana on Saturday. Erin had a history of addiction, so it didn’t take long for a tabloid to burp up a story about how she died of an overdose. The Daily Mail said that a “source” told them that Erin died of a suspected heroin overdose. That rumor was picked up by others and Scott Baio eventually saw it.
Bringing about world peace with a can of carbonated sugar water must really overheat a trick.
Yesterday, Pepsi caused a firestorm that was bigger than the one on Michael Jackson’s head while shooting that commercial in the 80s. Pepsi butt burped up an extra thick shit balloon of a commercial that showed Kendull Jenner ditching a modeling shoot to join a protest where she bravely brings everyone together with a can of Pepsi. Ridiculous! Everyone knows that the only syguary drink that has the power to change the world was Orbitz, bitches!