Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan publicly requested privacy regarding the infomercial steam cleaner-sized messy situation with her fiancé Egor Tarabsov. But she didn’t say anything about leaking typo-filled text messages threatening to kick her fiancé’s ass from her father. Lindsay, you’ve really got to be more specific when it comes to your family.
And no, I don’t mean that she polluted it by getting in it.
Not since that one king threw himself into the ocean after thinking that his son died while trying to kill a roided-up man bull (aka the Minotaur) has the Aegean Sea seen so much drama. Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 30th birthday in Mykonos, Greece last week, and no LiLo party is complete until she’s dragged out of that bitch kicking and spitting after getting into a fight with her piece. LiLo’s one-time employer The Sun says that my pick for Britain’s new PM and her Russian trust fund fiancee Egor Tarabasov got into a messy tussle in front of 70 guests (including her leech dad Michael Lohan, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and Egor’s mom) at a beach club in Mykonos.
Teenage lipgloss peddler Kylie Jenner learned the hard way this week that it’s not enough to simply slap your name on a product to be able to call yourself a successful businesswoman. On Tuesday, it was reported that Kylie Cosmetics, Kylie’s line of overpriced lip shit, had received an F rating from the Better Business Bureau. According to the BBB, Kylie Cosmetics had generated 137 complaints from customers, which included security breaches, shipping problems, and nonexistent customer service. This would be the second time someone from the Kardashian/Jenner family put in a half-assed effort with their makeup company.
How’s your day going? Good? Good. I’m glad. Mine? I’ve just spent 10 minutes looking up past stories that involve the baddest little tyke from up north being that toddler at the party that just has to pull down his pants. And now that will be part of your day too. If I have to suffer this, so will you.
Just in case you forgot that Chris Brown was still a giant Sam’s Club-sized asshole who has to destroy everything he gets within arm’s reach of. TMZ says that the owner of several World’s Shittiest Boss mugs is currently in trouble with Ibiza police after he allegedly trashed a rental house.
Chris Brown is currently touring around Europe, and he rented the villa in the picture above for the last week of June. Yes, someone was dumb enough to rent their house to the human tornado of trouble known as Chris Brown. Sadly, the landlord found this out the hard way. Chris was supposed to be out of the house at a certain time, but he wasn’t leaving. The landlord called the cops in an attempt to remove him, but it turns out Chris Brown wasn’t the only problem inside the house. According to a police report, it was allegedly a disaster. There were knife marks on the wall (from either throwing knives or just straight-up carving into the wall), someone had peed on one of the beds, and there was vomit everywhere. The piss and the barf I understand, but knife marks? Were they doing the damn Mamushka?
The landlord claims Chris Brown also still owed him $26,000 for rent, but after adding up the cost of all the damage, that number is closer to $60,000. A source close to Chris says that the rent issue has been settled, and that the reason it hadn’t been paid on time was due to a banking issue on the landlord’s end. No word on if the cash Chris Brown transferred to the landlord also included the money for the alleged damages.
I know that landlord couldn’t have predicted that his house would have ended up worse than the inside of a port-o-potty at a Florida State Fair. But seeing the name “Chris Brown” on the rental agreement should have been their first indication that their villa was in for a bad time. Let this be a lesson to future landlords: If Chris Brown wants to rent your house, it’s probably a good idea to call up your insurance company and make sure your policy includes Chris Brown Coverage first.
I’m sure we can all relate, right? I mean, who of us didn’t move their barely-employed adult creeper boyfriend into our $6 million home when we were 18-years-old? So relatable. Only a few days after it was reported that teenage liquid lipstick mogul Kylie Jenner was sort-of back together with cartoon tapeworm (and sometime rapper) Tyga, a source has told UsWeekly that Tyga is living at Kylie’s house now. Congratulations, Tyga! You found a house that a landlord won’t evict you from!
Back in 2012, Chris Brown decided to hire a new manager in an attempt to fix the Tupperware container of rotten leftovers that was his reputation. Chris was still trying to climb back from violently beating on Rihanna before the Grammys in 2009, as well as deal with the public’s perception that he was an all-round asshole. So he hired a guy named Mike G to help him repair his image, get him out of debt and off drugs. In an unfortunate twist of irony, TMZ says Mike G is suing Chris Brown and claiming he beat him so bad he ended up in the ER.
Oh yeah, Juliet Angus from Ladies of London and Kourtney Kartrashian were there too…
Kitson may be dead and buried under a mountain of moth-eaten Team Aniston t-shirts and Von Dutch trucker hats, but the fame whore, coked-up star power of Courtenay Semel and Lindsay Lohan continues to live on! LiLo has been so out of the game that you may have to Google them both, you dumb fuck!
LiLo is still living in London with her latest mark, that Russian Home Depot (or something) heir, and last night at some private members club called LouLou’s, she partied with her friend Juliet, The Slow One and her one-time partner in pussy Nay Nay Semel. I know the story (for lack of a better word) is supposed to be that the freckled bag of delusion hung out with Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest-ranking ho, but it’s not to me. The real story is that LiLo and Nay Nay reunited! I’m sure they spent the entire night mouth shitting out memories of the golden days like how they once switched Brandon Davis’ bag of coke with powder laxatives mixed with crushed-up NoDoz and how LiLo once dropped a deuce in the Les Deux bathroom and blamed it on Parasite Hilton. Meanwhile, the most boring Kartrashian (and that’s saying a lot) sat there with her mouth open and her eyes set to “dead.” She probably only woke up once from screensaver mode to say, “Youuuuuuuuu…. guuuuuuuuuuuuyz….. are…… talking to….. fast…. I….. want…… organic…. yo….. gurt.”
And if you’re not too busy re-organizing your MySpace Top 8, look at these pictures of LiLo wearing a Circus Circus cocktail uniform while leaving that club with Nay Nay! (Just ignore the Kartrashian.)
Seen above looking like a young Donald Trump after a meth binge and a failed body wave perm while leaving a Los Angeles courthouse last June, 22-year-old Conrad Hilton was back in front of a judge yesterday for messing up the terms of his parole AGAIN. Conrad isn’t supposed to put the good shit or the bad shit in his body, but he admitted to the judge that he’s done both. Seeing as though the California justice system seems to be allergic to punishing rich and famous-esque tricks, it’s shocking that the judge didn’t just say, “Awww, that’s okay boo, your punishment is that you can’t go to The Nice Guy 4 nights a week. I would say 5 nights, but that would be cruel and unusual punishment!” The judge sentenced Parasite Hilton’s younger brother to 2 months in the clink.
I don’t know what’s better: That awkward picture of Charlize Theron and Sean Penn looking like they would rather be hugging a bitchy grizzly bear who hates intimacy or the reviews for his new movie The Last Face.
There’s a good reason for why it looks like Charlize Theron is awkwardly consoling Sean Penn at a funeral. She kind of is. Sean Penn directed The Last Face, which is about the head of an international aid organization (Charlize Theron) and a relief doctor (Javier Bardem) who fall in love while trying to save the people of Liberia. That movie sounds like forty five layers of NOPE. If I had to choose between watching The Last Face and a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon, I’d pre-schedule a confessional with a priest to apologize for the unholy sins I was about to commit and I’d start watching the staged antics of Pimp Mama Kris and her hos. But now I kind of want to see The Last Face after reading some of the reviews.
The Last Farce (typo and it stays) screened at Cannes, and the critics tore it apart, torched its remains and then put the flames out with their piss. They laughed and booed. It’s apparently as steamingly stinky as a reporter’s turd baking on an Arizona front lawn. Indiewire and The Wrap posted a collection of the awful reviews the movie got, but this tweet sums it up:
Is it possible Charlize Theron saw a rough cut of THE LAST FACE and *then* ended things with Sean Penn? I would.
— Guy Lodge (@GuyLodge) May 20, 2016
Sean claims he doesn’t care about the crap reviews, but that sad tomato face he made at his movie’s Cannes premiere said otherwise. And I’m telling myself that in the picture above, Charlize kicked the flame-broiled pickled sausage while he was down by whispering in his ear, “And by the way, I faked it. Every. Single. Time.”
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com