SHOCKER: Tori Spelling And The Deaner Will Pimp Out Their Marriage Problems In A Second Season Of “True Tori”
I bet that’s the shirt The Deaner wears when he crashes at his favorite Hooters waitress’ apartment on the weekends. “Hey Krystle, buy me a plate of eggs benedict? Come on mama, be cool! You know I’m still waiting on that Spelling cash!”
Just when you thought there was no more than needed to be said regarding Tori Spelling’s busted marriage to The Deaner (“Malnourished claymation camel exploits a cheating scandal with her sleazy beady-eyed bangaholic trashrat husband for a check, THE END“) she goes ahead and proves that there’s a sub-basement below her basement of shameless fame whoring. Radar says that Lifetime has ponied up the cash for a second season of the tacky scripted train wreck that is True Tori. “Yay!” – said all 6 people who watched the first season.
True Tori 2: We Need The Cash will premiere on October 21st and will focus this time on Tori trying to heal after her human burp of a husband started serving up his greasy maple bar to anyone with low enough standards to accept it.
“While much of the chaos of last spring is seemingly behind her, there still exists a tremendous amount of work ahead for Tori as she struggles to find her true self,” Lifetime said.
AKA it’s the perfect show for people who are too stupid for VH1′s Couples Therapy, but not stupid enough for LeAnn & Eddie.
Regardless, I’m sure Tori was thrilled when someone at Lifetime finally received one of her 1,928 daily emails begging them to let her pimp out her family on another television show. But I wonder how The Deaner feels about it? Well what do you know, I just found an email he sent to the head office of Hooters:
“What’s crappenin’ wing nuts? Listen, The Deaner needs to lay low for a while. The melted candle I’m married to got me a job pretending I’m working on our marriage for a reality show again, which means I can’t be getting handies in the parking lot anymore. So can you do the ol’ Deaner a solid and fire off a chain-wide email informing the gals that if I come in asking for a sloppy buffalo sauce blow-j, they have to say no…at least the first two times I ask. Gotta make The Deaner work for it!”
Welcome back, you dumb possum-faced gold digger!
That headline alone should make you want to drive yourself to the ER to be treated for an overdose of class.
Several Alaskan blogs claim that the First Family of Alaskan Messiness were the stars of a drunken 20-person Saturday night brawl which ended with a shirtless Track Palin flipping people off in the street while Todd Palin held his bloody nose. Since you can see Alaska from Russia, I pray one of those Russian dash cams recorded this glorious display of pure Palin classiness.
Amanda Coyne (via Mediate) says that it all started when the Palins showed up in a stretch Hummer to an Iron Dog snowmobile party at a house in Anchorage. As soon as Track Palin got out of the Hummer, he spotted an ex-boyfriend of Willow Palin and he turned on the crazy all the way. Apparently, Track doesn’t like the dude and the two verbally fought for a bit. Their argument led to the owner of the house, 2010 Iron Dog winner Chris Olds, getting involved and that’s when shit really got real Wasilla-style.
Seen here looking like a Hugga Bunch hitting puberty and rolling hard after trading hugs for bath salts, Miley Cyrus attended a super-secret party thrown by fashion designer Alexander Wang this weekend and as per usual she was in top amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk form. I guess the dress code was “DRUGZ”, because Miley showed up wearing nothing but black leggings and pasties covering her backwoods nipple jerky. Oh, and a pair of sunglasses covered in pills and a pair of weed earrings, because why the hell not. Pills and weed? PAAAR-TAAAAY.
But just like the old saying goes: “You’re never fully dressed without a smile“, Miley made sure to accessorize her look with a beautiful high-as-fuck smile. Miley looks so stoned, I bet the she thought that dude she was standing beside was Prince. And that Prince-looking dude looks so high, I bet he was convinced he WAS Prince. He probably got up this morning and went door-to-door with a bunch of copies of The Watchtower asking people if they had time to talk about Jesus Christ.
Thankfully Miley managed to keep her pasties firmly affixed to her chipmunk nips, because nobody wants to see a topless tweaker. But she did try to tongue-fuck the host, because even though she’s dressed modestly don’t mean she ain’t not a raunchy horn-horn rodent, y’all!
Here’s more of Miley arriving at her hotel before the party and wearing actual clothes, as well as Miley on her way to Alexander Wang’s party. My say something nice is that Miley reminds me of this crazy blonde raver in my 11th grade science class who tried to get high by burning clumps of her hair over a bunsen burner and breathing in the smoke. I wonder what she’s up to now? Yeah, maybe it’s best if I don’t know.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one (no really, stop me – I CAN’T with this felonious freckled grifter anymore). Lindsay Lohan has once again turned a shady trick on the wrong person and now she’s getting sued, except this time she’s also dragging her younger brother Michael Jr. into it. Congrats on your first lawsuit, Michael Jr., you’re officially your father’s son!
Page Six says that shortly after she left rehab last year, the Apricot Ashtray and her younger brother started working with tech entrepreneur Fima Potik on a mobile app called Spotted Friend, which would allow people to poke around in Blohan’s virtual closet and see the kind of designer shit she’s virtually stolen. She even started prom0ting her new tech venture on Twitter back in July 2013, because she’s basically the coked-up version of Steve Jobs. But just like everything Lindsay gets involved in (singing, fashion design, sobriety) she lost interest and Spotted Friend became just another hazy memory (like sobriety). »
Those heave-inducing comments that Jabba the Hutt’s creeper cousin, CeeLo Green, made about rape are still kicking him hard in the ass. Earlier this week, the lead member of Oz’s The Roofie Guild, tweeted (and quickly deleted) a series of shit-covered tweets where he said that rape victims remember being raped and it’s only rape if the person is conscious and knows they’re being raped. C-Word Green barfed up those tweets after he pleaded no contest to “giving” a controlled substance to a woman who claims he raped her after drugging her. CeeLo shat up an apology that wasn’t an apology at all and it wasn’t enough. TBS canceled his reality show (although, they said the cancelation had nothing to do with the diarrhea that spilled out of his mouth) and this morning Nola.com reported that he was dropped as headliner of Louisiana’s Gretna Heritage Festival, which will start on October 3rd. Organizers said in a statement that they want nothing to do with the mutant goiter after what he said about rape.
“Our community does not condone these disparaging remarks delivered by Cee Lo Green, and we feel this entertainer does not represent what our festival is about and has achieved over the past 20 years.”
CeeLo has been replaced with Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Joan Jett replacing CeeLo Green is the reason why the word “upgrade” exists.
At this point, CeeLo might only be able to book a co-headlining spot with R. Kelly at Roman Polanski’s 1st Annual Roofies Appreciation Festival, because he also lost another job. CeeLoo was supposed to perform at the Navy’s JBAB Freedom Live show in DC on September 20th, but they announced yesterday that they are washing their hands clean of him:
“Unfortunately, one of the performers we signed for the JBAB Freedom Live show on 20 September recently posted comments on social media that we consider to completely inconsistent with Navy core values. Regardless of intent or context, the lack of sensitivity towards an issue that is one of the great challenges facing our Navy is unacceptable.”
Hmmm… You know you’re way past the point of “I fucked up” when the US military throws a stank eye at you over something you said about rape.
A couple of years ago, a woman told police that while on a date with CeeLo Green, he allegedly snuck MDMA into her drink and after she passed out, he raped her. At the time, the long-lost twin of Pile of Chet from Weird Science admitted to “giving” the woman MDMA and having sex with her, but denied raping her. CeeLo was charged with drugging the woman, a felony, and the rape charge was dropped due to lack of evidence. CeeLo recently pleaded “no contest” to the drugging charge and he was sentenced to probation and community service. CeeLo probably should’ve left it at that, but he just couldn’t help himself. Yesterday on Twitter, CeeLo dribbled out an incoherent shit stream of words where he said that it’s only rape if the person is conscious. Satan, please come and get your child, because it’s too early in the week for dumbassery like this.
Before CeeLo hit the delete button on all of his tweets, Love B. Scott (via Buzzfeed) got screen shots of them. CeeLo tried to school his followers on the true meaning of “rape” by telling them that it’s not rape if the person who was raped doesn’t remember they were raped. What in “tree falling in a forest” HELL is this midget T-rex talking about? The tweets are after the cut. CAUTION: You will lose at least one brain cell while reading them.
Literally every American is screaming “QUICK! CLOSE THE BORDER!” at this very moment. And I’m eye-shanking all of you, because it looks like that little shithead is our problem once again. According to CBC News, Canada’s crown prince of shitty spoiled asshole behavior Justin Bieber has once again proved what a shitty spoiled asshole he is by crashing his ATV into a minivan and then picking a fight with the driver on Friday just east of Statford, Ontario. Caillou’s rotten cousin was taken in by police and charged with assault and dangerous driving, but he was released on the promise that he appear in a Stratford court on September 29th. How Canadian, right? “We’ll let you go if you pinky-swear to come back.”
Bieber is currently on probation for egging his neighbor’s house, so he could be majorly fucked. But speaking as a Canadian person with a basic understanding of the legal system (thanks to reruns of Street Legal), that lil’ asshole will probably get off with barely a slap on the wrist. He’ll be sentenced to a 12-pack of maple-dip donuts and asked to be more careful next time before the judge musses up his hair and tells him: “Get on now, scoot! And stay outta trouble you little scamp!” Then Stratford will declare September 29th Justin Bieber Assault Day and everyone will get the day off work. No, that won’t happen – I’m sure the people of Stratford hate him just as much as the rest of North America. But they do have this weird sort of pride for him, so who knows?
But getting arrested in rural Ontario after crashing your ATV into a minivan and instigating a fist-fight with the driver? Even Ricky from Trailer Park Boys is like “Damn, that’s trashy.”
This is when we realize just how much Robin Williams was a part of our culture, because as I was typing the words “used to be one”, my brain immediately cut to the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where he pretends to be Elsa Immerman. Oh Robin, I am so so sorry to mention your name in the same post as such arrogant trash.
There were so many insane butt nuggets of insanity in Kanye West’s desposition in the case of him grabbing a pap’s camera and trying to whoop a trick, like claiming he’s a celebrity civil rights leader or that the paparazzi are worse than the Nazis, so it should come as no surprise that some crumbs from Kanye’s crazy would fall through the cracks. For instance, TMZ says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband played the ‘I don’t hate ___ people, some of my best friends are ___!’ card by claiming that he can’t actually hate the paparazzi, because his father once worked as a paparazzi, and added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.” Well, I should hope not! I don’t believe Dr. Benjamin Spock ever said anything about the importance of taking your child to the airport and teaching them to fight with photographers.
A few months ago, Pimp Mama Kris’ prized hog, Kim Kartrashian, “wrote” (read: bitch didn’t write shit) this about racism and discrimination in this world:
I feel a responsibility as a mother, a public figure, a human being, to do what I can to make sure that not only my child, but all children, don’t have to grow up in a world where they are judged by the color of their skin, or their gender, or their sexual orientation. I want my daughter growing up in a world where love for one another is the most important thing.
So the first step I’m taking is to stop pretending like this isn’t my issue or my problem, because it is, it’s everyone’s.
And above is Kummy Cakes and PMK’s other whores showing that they really care about the plight of Ferguson by Instagramming pictures of their tits (I’m guessing) during the Ferguson tribute at the VMAs tonight. I bet if you asked Kim about Ferguson, she’d said, “OH MY GOD, she’s my favorite Black Eyed Peas member!”
Brooke Mueller’s Assistant Says That Brooke Forced Him To Be A Drug Mule And Watch While She Had Sex
According to court documents obtained by Radar, Brooke Mueller (aka the craziest of Charlie’s Angels) is being sued by her former assistant, Lior Masaphor, who worked for Brooke from 2012 to 2013. Even though Brooke looks like a blissed-out namaste hippie stoner type, Lior says she’s actually a drug-snorting slave driver. Lior claims that he worked over 130-hours a week and was forced to “engage in repetitive illegal and unsavory actions at the specific instance and request of Brooke Mueller.” Such illegal and unsavory (“unsavory” – how very Dowager Countess of you, Lior) acts included being Brooke’s drug mule, transporting drugs, fetching drugs, babysitting her kids while she got high on drugs and/or babysitting her kids while she got high on drugs and fucked a pile of people, and watching her drugs while she fucked a pile of people.
Lior also says he wasn’t exactly compensated for his drug-running and child-watching; he was paid $2400 a month, which works out to about $4.47/hour when you’re working 130-hours a week. You’d think that getting paid Tooth Fairy money to watch Brooke Mueller snort crystal meth and tame a bunch of random strange in the middle of the living room while her two kids watch Go Diego Go in the den would be enough for Lior to quit that bitch effective immediately, but he didn’t, because apparently he’s dumber than Brooke Mueller. Eventually he started complaining too much about having to do illegal shit and not-right shit, so she fired his ass. Now he’s suing her for unspecified damages, attorney’s fees, and a court trial.
You don’t have to be Lionel Hutz to know that Lior doesn’t have a leg to stand on here. Yes, Brooke made him do illegal things like making him shove tied-off condoms filled with crack up his ass at the airport and paying him less than he’d make if he worked at Taco Bell, but Lior agreed to be Brooke’s assistant in 2012; that was prime crazy meth-gobbling Brooke Mueller time! Back in 2012, if someone told me that Brooke Mueller was hiring, I would just assume that “drug mule” was in the job description. It was probably right the title of the Craigslist ad! “Very important googly-eyed star-fucker seeks full-time drug mule. I can pay you in Two and A Half Men DVDs.”