Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?
The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.
And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.
Kim Kardashian Threw Shade At Adrienne Bailon On Twitter For Throwing Shade At Her Brother In A Magazine
Former Cheetah Girl and current…uh…discount JLo impersonator (??) Adrienne Bailon recently gave an interview to Latina magazine (via Daily Mail) that has seriously pissed off former porn star and Botox enthusiast Kim Kardashian. A long long time ago, before Rob Kardashian fell in love with cheeseburgers and cough syrup, he and Adrienne Bailon dated/fucked/whatever for two years. She even got his name tattooed on her ass (#truelove). But then it ended, like all Kardashian relationships do, when Rob’s dick got bored and started sniffing around.
All this happened more than 5 years ago, but I guess Adrienne is still pissed about Rob giving her a pair of Arthur George socks for her birthday or something, because she decided to dig up the rotten corpse of their long-dead relationship during her interview. And Latina was like “Sure, why not? What else are we going to talk about? 3LW?”
“To be stuck with that Kardashian label, that was so hurtful to me and to my career. I probably realized that too late—not that it would’ve affected my decisions in terms of who I dated, but it would’ve affected my decision to appear on the show. At the time, I didn’t think anyone would even care. To this day, people will still say, ‘You ruined Rob’s life!’ and I’ll think, Damn, I was still playing with Barbie dolls when I met him.”
“It’s common knowledge that he cheated on me, and it always bothered me that people were like, ‘Pero, why couldn’t you forgive him?’ Why are women always the ones who have to forgive? He strategically planned things out so that he could cheat on me, and that to me was so disloyal.”
Upon hearing the news that someone would dare attempt to sully the unblemished reputation of the Kardashian name, Kim stormed off (aka sluggishly lurched like a lethargic zombie hooker) to Twitter to bitch out Adrienne:
Kim, you didn’t have to add “FROZEN VOICE” – everyone knows your voice sound like that of a recently-thawed caveman. But honestly, “So sad when people try to kick my brother when he is down”? THIS BITCH! Kim, please grab two chairs (one for each of your silicone-heavy ass cheeks) and take a seat. I’m sure if we looked under Rob’s shirt, we’d find permanent hoof-prints from all the kicking Kim has done. Kim is just pissed that Adrienne threw Rob under the bus without asking Kim for permission first. “Sorry bitch, but if anyone is going to get attention for talking shit about how useless my brother is, it’s me.”
I haven’t been to that many charity events in my life (Wait, does my 4th grade birthday party count? I mean, half of the kids there were only there for the cake and were forced to be there by their parents who felt sorry for my ass), but even I know that when you go t a charity event, you shouldn’t promote or do anything that goes against the cause. If you go to a D.A.R.E. event, you should probably wait until after that shit finishes to smoke heroin out of a pipe made of coke while butt snorting meth in the bathroom. If you go to an event for Human Rights Watch, you probably shouldn’t wear a Justin Bieber t-shirt since Justin Bieber is a walking human rights violation. So either model type Cara Delevingne was in the mood for trolling or the wolf brows on her face sucked out every piece of her brain for nourishment. Because that piece of trash wore a rabbit fur coat to a wildlife fundraiser in St. Tropez.
Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in pussy and Selena Gomez’s maybe-current partner in pussy showed up to the event for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in a white tuxedo thing, but sometime during the event, she changed into what looked like a rabbit fur jacket and tiny, white, pussy-exposing track shorts that screamed “I am not on my period!” Page Six’s source said that during the event, everybody GASPED when Cara got on the stage with human ass scab Robin Thicke and was wearing a coat that was made of the mutilated bodies of Thumper’s relatives:
“She got up there with Robin Thicke in what looked like a white rabbit fur,” says a spy.
“It was like, wait, this is an event for wildlife!”
Why isn’t there video of this? Specifically, why isn’t there video of Leonard DiCaprio when this was happening, because I really want to see his face go from “Wait, have I fucked her yet?” to “OH GOD SHE’S WEARING PETER COTTONTAIL!” before using his hot karate moves to kung-fu kick her off the stage. This could’ve been a Chelsea Clinton situation and Cara’s jacket could’ve been fake, but probably not.
Bitch probably didn’t even know what the event was for. She was just there for the free press, free booze and free coke. In this dumb twat’s defense, she goes to so many “charity events” for the free press and freeze booze that she forgets what charity the event is for and what the dress code is. At one charity event, she has to wear a red ribbon. At another charity event, she has to wear pink. And at a different charity event, she can’t wear dead animals. How can one bitch remember all that shit?! She was probably booked for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation event and the The Kendall Jones Foundation event in the same week and got the days confused. That’s all.
You’ve got to hand it to Pimp Mama Kris; she truly is an innovator when it comes to discovering more grotesque ways for her gaggle of slutty goblins to reach new levels of shamelessness. I know, I’m sure you’re thinking: “But what’s higher than leaking your own daughter’s homemade porno for profit?” Don’t worry, shameless whores always find a way.
On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With A Bunch Of Low-Klass Kunts, the “Brody Gets A Not-Right Boner” saga continued when Brody Jenner admitted to his step-pimp that he got a little turned on by seeing Kim Kardashian dressed like a cheap marshmallow hooker. Then Kris accused Brody of having a crush on his step-sister since he was 7-years-old, to which Brody denied (because – DUH – having a crush on a skanky narcolepsy-faced Botox demon is the kind of secret you take to your grave). But instead of leaving it at that, Brody dragged his brother Brandon Jenner down into the pits of poor taste hell by accusing him of having a crush on Kim and going so far as kissing his step-sister. Brody never says when the kiss happened, but it was probably when they were kids, because you know if it happened any time in the past 7 years, Kris would have filmed it, burned DVD copies, taped them to Kim’s porno, and marketed it as a special KUWTK edition 2-disc set.
Brandon, who was sitting directly across from his wife, keeps denying it and tries to change the subject, but Kris keeps shrieking “YOU KISSED KIM??” in hopes of drawing more information out of him. And not because she thinks it’s not-right for two step-siblings to make out, either; she was probably pissed that Kim was turning tricks without her. “Was it just a kiss? Kisses start at $50. She probably gave you a blow job too. That’s an extra $200. I take cash or cheques. Pay me in full by the end of the day, and I’ll throw in an on-the-house handy from Khloe.” It doesn’t matter that Brandon is family; none of Kris’s bitches work pro-bono!
Courtney Stodden just threw herself onto a pile of dirty thongs and began weeping coagulated silicone tears into a ratty clump of $2 hair extensions, because she’s no longer the craziest gold-digging star-fucking jail bait fame whore on the block anymore. RIP, Porn Iguana; we hardly knew ye.
So just who is this daddy issues-having ho who has snatched away Courtney Stodden’s crown? According to Us Weekly, 57-year-old Ray Donovan actor (or Manny from Scarface, whichever brings up less of a “??????” for you) Steven Bauer attempted to out-creepy Woody Allen by showing up to the premiere of Magic in the Moonlight with his 18-year-old girlfriend Lyda Loudon. According to her Twitter bio, Lyda is a “part-time nightmare-inspirer, journalist, host of Sarcasm Overdose, ceo, actress, unsalvageable degenerate film/music/cigar/espresso addict” aka she’s unemployed. But Lyda is not just a barely-legal J-list star fucker (yes she is, but go on); she also founded Tea Party Youth and the L3 Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to “educate millennials with the tools it will take to turn America’s future around”.
Of course, it gets better (it always gets better). Lyda’s parents are former Missouri Republican senator John Loudon and Tea Party founder and author “Dr. Gina“ (she sounds like a no-nonsense discount gynecologist). Meanwhile, Steven used to be married to Melanie Griffith, and they have a 28-year-old son together. You know your girlfriend is too damn young if she can’t remember Melanie before the Antonio tattoo. Hell, your girlfriend is too young if her age is anything that ends in “-teen“!
No other information is known, like where they met or just how much Steven had to pay Chris Hansen to keep him from pulling the Dateline van up to his house, but one thing is for sure: they picked the right place to announce they were a couple. Nothing says “I’m in a not-right Pedobear-approved relationship with a teenage girl almost 40 years younger than me” like the red carpet premiere of a Woody Allen movie.
And if your name is Courtney Stodden, here are some pictures of Lyda that you may print out and pin to your dart board to angrily whip your stripper heels at later. For the rest of us, take a good look: this is Lyda before. It’s only a matter of time before she goes full-Hollywood Fame Humper and fills her face and tits with cheap silicone.
Pimp Mama Kris Instagramm’d this nasty ass picture of her and her 3 whores today and besides the obvious comment of, “Where is a swarm of piranhas when you really need one?”, I have 4 comments about this mess:
2. E! calls this picture “a sexy family photo” (double heave) and thinks all these pieces of trash are topless. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing black swimsuits, but I’m sure that sometime next week PMK will tweet a picture of her and her hos topless, bottomless and spreading it for retweets.
3. I know Kim’s face looks Photoshopped in real-life, but her face really looks like it was copy+pasted there.
4. Speaking of copy+pasting, there’s a really easy way to make that picture a million times less heave-worthy. Just cover the faces of all those gutter tramps with Bruce Jenner’s pucker-inducing beautiful face.
Cops Have Advised Justin Bieber’s Neighbors To Put Him Under Citizen’s Arrest The Next Time He Throws A Party
This weekend, Justin Bieber threw a 2-day toddler rager at his condo in Beverly Hills in which the police were called six times for noise complaints and general assholery. Unfortunately for the poor souls who have to share a building with Canada’s constantly itchy butthole, there’s nothing the cops can do to prevent Justin from throwing more loud parties for his asshole friends, since he always turns down the music when they ask him to (sounds like someone was paying attention during the Backyardigans episode on manners).
But according to TMZ, his neighbors are right pissed, because it’s not just the noise; he’s turning their condo building into the island for obnoxious pre-teen shitheads from Pinocchio. TMZ obtained pictures showing the mess he left on the condo’s rooftop lounge, and residents have told them the elevators and hallways reeked of pot all weekend, adding that “There were bimbos lining up to do drugs in the lobby bathroom.” (I literally just pictured Kelly Bundy and her friends).
Despite photographic proof and numerous witnesses that claim Justin Bieber is a pint-sized nuisance, the cops claim they can’t arrest someone for a misdemeanour if they don’t see it happen. But they also claim that it is well within their legal rights to take matters into their own hands, since he’s currently on probation. The police have advised Justin’s condo neighbors that if they witness the human version of Babs Seed the Pony doing hoodrat shit in the building, they can put him under citizen’s arrest. Did you hear that? The police literally just gave Justin’s neighbors permission to ground him. The shade, the shade of it all.
And as much as I want to see a 60-year-old woman tackle Justin Bieber to the ground for smoking a joint in the vestibule, is that picture of the rooftop seriously the “mess” he left? Yikes. You know you throw a lame-ass party when you’re able to make Aaron Carter look like Studio 54 fucked Caligula.
File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi
Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.
Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?
”Maybe just a half-chub.”
Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some
Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).
In “Skank Dumpster Trash You Haven’t Thought About In Years” news, TMZ says that early this morning in Malibu, a raggedy fight broke out between meth-faced Jeremy Jackson (aka Hobie from Baywatch) and two dried balls of smegma that humanity squirted out of its ass 10 years ago. Jeremy Jackson tells TMZ that he ended up with a busted eye after he got a beat down delivered to him by Brandon “Fat Elvis” Davis, Wonky McValtrex and others. Those dumb whores. Couldn’t they have waited for Dlisted’s 10th anniversary in January to give us this gutter gift from 2005?
Jeremy tells TMZ he was at a party at Wonky’s rented house in Malibu last night and at around 2 this morning, Fat Elvis and other nasty pieces of L.A. trash attacked him and cracked a liquor bottle over his head. Jeremy didn’t say why they came after him, but he did say that they’re all “degenerate fame whores.” The cops tell TMZ that they got 2 separate calls from 2 separate people at the party who claimed they got attacked by the other one. One of the two people was Wonky’s brother (probably Barron Hilton). Nobody wanted to press charges, so nobody was arrested and the cops left. Jeremy gave TMZ this picture of his busted eye and he says his attackers were “literally going Rodney King on my ass.”
Yes, because an orange has-been getting his ass beat by a bunch of spoiled, useless human viruses at a Malibu beach house is just like a Rodney King situation. Either the meth ate whatever was left inside of Hobie’s head or that scratch on his eye got infected and spread to his brain. And that “owwie” looks like the infection a dude gets after Wonky sits on his face and squirts.
And Fat Elvis earning the 8-balls Wonky gives him by beating tricks she tells him to beat up tells us that everything is fine and well in the 2005 exhibit of the fame whore zoo and we can keep it moving.
Since we’re on the subject of Jeremy Jackson’s beautifully sculpted orange meth face, here he is at Chippendales 3 years ago.
“That’s nothing; she’s only spent 9 hours with me since I was born” – North West.
It seems that clever hooker Kim Kardashian has found a krafty way to make sure her latest sham of a marriage lasts longer than the previous one. According to Radar, Kim and her current husband Kanye West have only spent 9 days together since getting married 48 days ago, the majority of which were spent during their honeymoons. Ugh, remember how those assholes had two honeymoons? LOOKS LIKE IT WAS WORTH IT.
An “insider” (Pimp Mama Kris, do you ever take a break?) claims that Kim and Kanye have started living separate lives ever since Kanye discovered that his My Size Barbie only cares about Botox, herself, mirrors, herself, herself, herself, and Botox:
“Kanye now recognizes that Kim’s main interest are shopping and lounging around a pool,” the insider said. “It’s really concerning to Kanye that Kim doesn’t even want to try to experience new things.”
That’s not exactly fair; Kim tries plenty of new things. For starters, she’s sampled nearly every penis in the NBA. She’s always on the look-out for new black-market facial fillers. Not to mention how she tries a new husband every two years. Hell, she’s even trying to be a working mother, even though she neither works nor spends time with her child. If that’s not ambitious, I don’t know what is.
Besides, why does Kim need to spend time with Kanye right now? Filming for the 2-part KUWTK divorce episode doesn’t start for another couple of months.
And in case you need more pictures of Satan’s klassiest narcoleptic-faced hooker in your life, here’s Kim looking well-rested and alert at the Valentino show in Paris yesterday, as well as attending a Vogue party with the illiterate model one. Both times she decided to wear those sandals that make her feet look like stale loaves of challah, I see.