Boy oh boy, Debra Tate, Sharon Tate’s sister, hit the nail on the head when she expressed concern over the upcoming dramatizations of Sharon’s murder, calling them “classless and exploitative”. And she was doubly right about the Hilary Duff led project titled The Haunting Of Sharon Tate being “Tacky, tacky, tacky.” Judging by the just-released trailer, I think it’s safe to say that while Hilary may be good at something (passive aggressive neighbor disputes? Cannibalism?), handling the very serious, gruesome murder of a young woman and her unborn child with a modicum of reverence is not one of them. Hilary claimed on Instagram to have spent two whole weeks filming this thing and it shows. It looks like a legitimately scary Muppet movie made on a budget.
The teaser trailer for Disney’s latest minimal effort cash grab, the live-action remake of The Lion King, rolled out yesterday while many of us were busy eating animals. Which is alarming if you think about it. Here’s Disney, trying to get us invested in the inner lives of talking birds and shit, as we’re feasting on the carcasses of their brethren. The sick fucks.
There’s a new “special look” trailer for the upcoming Mary Poppins Returns, and in it we learn that Mary is a dangerous sociopath hellbent on delivering the Banks children straight to hell. First she tries to drown them in a tub full of acid, then she enlists a dolphin army to do unspeakable crimes to them. When that doesn’t do the trick, Mary repeatedly tries to shoot the innocent youths directly into the sun by various means. This is Emily Blunt at her most sinister.
That tricky bitch Mary Poppins is back to terrorize a new pack of impish waifs in the full length trailer for Mary Poppins Returns starring Emily Blunt as an umbrella wielding lunatic and Lin-Manuel Miranda as a guy who doesn’t think twice about playing with strange children in the park. This holiday season is going to be seriously twisted.
There’s a trailer out for the Julian Schnabel directed Vincent van Gogh biopic called At Eternity’s Gate starring Willem Dafoe. Finally, Americans will have an answer to the age old question: is it pronounced van Go or van Goff? Have you been walking around saying “Van Go” like an unsophisticated colonial rube your whole life, or have you been putting a little English on it and pronouncing it “Van Goff” like a continental rube your whole life? Here’s the trailer which also stars Danish snack Mads Mikkelsen as a priest (yes, Father I have sinned. I’m sinning myself as we speak), and American snack Oscar Isaac as Polynesian titty aficionado Paul Gauguin.
The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.
Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):
Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.
And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.