Because the only thing that comes out of San Diego Comic-Con are either pictures of Z-listers dressed up in janky superhero costumes or movie trailers, here’s the official trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, starring a buff-as-shit Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron looking like the broken condom baby of Lori Petty and The Terminator, and a two-headed lizard. Obviously, my favorite part was the lizard. What’s that lizard’s story? How did it get two heads? Is he related to the Geico lizard? Is the lizard Mad Max’s sassy two-headed sidekick? These are the important questions.
I have no idea how the nerds reacted when they saw this trailer, but Mad Max: Fury Road looks like both a damn mess (bad) and an amazing shit show (good). First of all, all that black makeup on Charlize’s forehead makes her look like what I imagine Teresa Giudice will look like 3 weeks into her prison sentence if her cellmate refuses to smuggle her in some Nair. It’s gorgeous. And a big round of applause for Lindsay Lohan, who was clearly the source material for the production designer. From the thick layer of toxic orange grime that’s coating everything to the dusty all-white dudes who looked like roided-up coke boogers, I truly felt like I was trapped inside Blohan’s left nostril. Well done.
My only issues are with the following:
1. Nowhere in that trailer do I see Tom Hardy snuggling a dog. Do dogs no longer exist in future Mad Max times?
2. WHERE IN SWEET SASSY BARTERTOWN IS TINA TURNER?!?! You can’t leave out the hottest Fraggle-haired ho from the Mad Max franchise. Without Tina Turner, who will sing the power ballad to Mad Max: Fury Road, which I assume is called: “We Don’t Need Another Hero, But Hollywood Is Running Out Of Ideas, So Here’s The Follow-Up To Beyond The Thunderdome That No One Asked For”.
Even though The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 will make a hundred billion dollars at the box office when its released in late November, another teaser trailer was released to the thirsty nerds of San Diego Comic-Con this weekend. So far, this is the third “teaser”, and by the time they’re done releasing “teasers”, we’ll be able to edit them all together and watch a rough cut of the movie and save ourselves $15 and having to wait in line behind a neckbeard dressed like Katniss who smells like ham and cheese Hot Pockets. Keep ‘em coming, guys!
The first trailer for Mockingjay – Part 1 looked like an ad for a fancy Beverly Hills baby store, and the second looked like a clip from a Scientology training video, but this third one is caked in grime and everyone looks super fucking stressed out. We open on the late Philip Seymour Hoffman who’s stressing out to Julianne Moore in discount Stacy London drag. We then cut to a bunch of stressed-out looking Warriors rejects and some budget Storm Troopers, and rain. SO MUCH RAIN. And everything looks damp as shit. It’s like The Hunger Games Does Dickens.
At the very end, we get to see a stressed looking Jennifer Lawrence making the same worried face I make when I realize I’m out of Diet Coke. Or maybe she’s just concentrating not falling.
And I can’t wait for the next hundred trailers that will be released. At the rate they’re going, they’ll eventually run out of material and start releasing “trailers” that are nothing but behind-the-scenes footage of the cast eating their lunch. “EXCLUSIVE TEASER TRAILER #2,394: PEETA EATS TURKEY SANDWICH, APPLE.”
On the left is Javier Bardem in the teaser trailer for The Counselor and on the right is the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Thanks to ten cans of pink AquaNet, a blow dryer set to high and possibly a taser gun, Javier Bardem TRIES IT, but his hair just can’t beat the hair on the head of the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Because the Ancient Aliens meme guy’s hair just isn’t hair. It’s a hairy satellite that communicates with aliens from the ancient world. So he wins!
Anyway, below is the trailer for Ridley Scott’s The Counselor, which is about a lawyer (Michael Fassbender) who gets into the drug selling business with two drug lords (Javier Bardem and Cameron Diaz), because he wants to give his girlfriend (Penelope Cruz) a fancier life. That is just crazy. Who in the hell starts selling drugs to give their piece a fancier life? Any reasonable ho would just get into the pyramid scheme game. (Side note: Remember that pyramid scheme where you’d get a list of 20 names and addresses and you’d have to send a $1 to each of them. If you did that, you’d get on the next list and a bunch of people would send a $1 to you. You were supposed to make thousands of thousands of dollars from it. Remember that scheme? I wonder who was dumb enough to fall for that shit? I totally fell for it.) Here’s the trailer:
Javier Bardem’s hair, the grease stuck to Brad Pitt’s locks and those cheetahs (cheetahs are such fame whores) probably think they’re the stars of this movie, but they’re wrong. The true star is Cameron Diaz. I skimmed through a review of the script (I know, I really have no life) and read that Cameron plays Malkina, Javier Bardem’s sociopathic and horny partner who is a computer genius and is obsessed with cheetahs and cars. Apparently, she’s really REALLY into cars and has even fucked one. So those of you haters who have said in the past, “The only way Cameron Diaz is going to get an Oscar nomination is if screws a car on camera,” can eat it, because she’s finally doing it. Pour some Turtle Wax on that car hood and get that Oscar, bitch!
Above is the trailer for August: Osage County, which George Clooney isn’t in, but he’s one of the producers and his name comes up first, so he’s obviously the MOST IMPORTANT thing about this movie. I never saw or read the play, so I don’t know for sure, but isn’t it supposed to be dark and cynical and heartbreaking and shit? This looks like a semi-uplifting family comedy that ends with everybody skipping through the fields while a Sheryl Crow song plays. Then during the credits, they’ll show bloopers. But DAMN at Ewan McGregor’s hotness. Who knew that when you put a beard on him and drop in the south, he can make my nipples twitch.
Below is the trailer for Gravity, which George Clooney is in for second. This is the movie that Alfonso Cuarón has tried to make forever. Angie Jolie was going to do it, then she passed, then they begged her again, then she passed again, then they almost got Natalie Portman, then Natalie Portman passed and then they finally got Sandra Bullock. Sandra and George play two astronauts who go to space together. One second they’re like, “Oooh, everything’s so pretty,” and then the next second they’re like, “Aaaaaah, we’re dying!” Their space shuttle blows up and Sandra goes drifting into space by herself. It’s like 127 Hours and Open Water in SPACE!
And some people got really nervous and had to reach for the oxygen mask while watching this, but I just wondered if Sandra Bullock put on an extra pair of space diapers underneath her suit. Because the only thing worse than floating aimlessly through space is floating aimlessly through space in a suit full of caca.