There’s a new “special look” trailer for the upcoming Mary Poppins Returns, and in it we learn that Mary is a dangerous sociopath hellbent on delivering the Banks children straight to hell. First she tries to drown them in a tub full of acid, then she enlists a dolphin army to do unspeakable crimes to them. When that doesn’t do the trick, Mary repeatedly tries to shoot the innocent youths directly into the sun by various means. This is Emily Blunt at her most sinister.
That tricky bitch Mary Poppins is back to terrorize a new pack of impish waifs in the full length trailer for Mary Poppins Returns starring Emily Blunt as an umbrella wielding lunatic and Lin-Manuel Miranda as a guy who doesn’t think twice about playing with strange children in the park. This holiday season is going to be seriously twisted.
There’s a trailer out for the Julian Schnabel directed Vincent van Gogh biopic called At Eternity’s Gate starring Willem Dafoe. Finally, Americans will have an answer to the age old question: is it pronounced van Go or van Goff? Have you been walking around saying “Van Go” like an unsophisticated colonial rube your whole life, or have you been putting a little English on it and pronouncing it “Van Goff” like a continental rube your whole life? Here’s the trailer which also stars Danish snack Mads Mikkelsen as a priest (yes, Father I have sinned. I’m sinning myself as we speak), and American snack Oscar Isaac as Polynesian titty aficionado Paul Gauguin.
The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.
Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):
Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.
And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.
I’m afraid to say the new Spider-Girl movie looks a little dark. I know Marvel’s been touching on some heavier themes lately, but this is one superhero movie that looks like it’s no fun at all! At least Infinity War had some comic relief to break up the *spoiler alert* Greenday “Time Of Our Lives” crumble into dust montage ending *end spoiler*. In Marvel’s latest, The Girl In The Spider’s Web: Spider-Girl’s Revenge, Claire Foy takes over the role of Spider-Girl Lisbeth Salander, who was played by Rooney Mara in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: Spider-Girl Gone Wild.
Here’s the trailer for TGITSW:
I kid, of course. Marvel would never allow that haircut to taint its celluloid legacy. At least Claire opted to get an actual haircut for this role instead of going with a discount wig from Party City like Jennifer Garner in Peppermint. I never knew there was an agreed upon revenge porn hair style before!
I’ve never actually read any of the Stieg Larsson Millennium Series novels nor have I seen any of the movies because they are confusing. The Girl In The Spider’s Web is based on the 4th book in that series, but is actually the 5th movie to be made. First there was a Swedish production of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo starring actual Swede Noomi Rapace, plus two follow ups The Girl Who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest, also with Noomi. Then because Americans are too dumb to read good, they made an English language version of TGWTDT starring American actress Rooney Mara whose name is very similar to Noomi but is a totally different person. And Rooney has a sister, Kate Mara who is also an actress and I always get confused and think Noomi is Kate’s sister instead of Rooney. There are just too many damn girls doing too many destructive acts to keep up!
If anybody’s gonna give you the heebie jeebies just by smoking a cigarette intensely, it’s gonna be Tilda Swinton. In the remake of the 1977 Dario Argento classic horror movie Suspiria, Tilda gets to puffing while the string section of an unseen 3rd grade orchestra tunes up, and Dakota Johnson does some heavy breathing exercises that don’t end in her screaming her safe word while experimenting with 50 shades of butt stuff.
Here’s the super creepy trailer that’s everything Mother! wanted to be but wasn’t.
That’s a solidly creepy piece of work. Strangely, the scariest thing to me was the lady who folded her hands and the beginning with the long, thin thumb fingernails. That’s a bigger “yikes” to me than maggots on the face. No contest.
I know I’ve seen the original but can’t remember a thing about it. Like, objectively I know it’s a “good” movie but I think I’ve fallen asleep halfway through more than once. Everybody probably has that one film nerd friend who made you try to watch it. If not, then you probably are that film nerd friend. If you are, don’t be like mine and pop Suprisia (or any other Italian movie with subtitles) in the VCR after midnight when everybody is coming down from whatever and then get pissy when people fall asleep or talk during it. Sometimes we talk because we’re scared and can’t take the masterfully build tension! Or because we’re still too high.