Category: Trailers

Open Post: Hosted By The “Dumbo” Teaser Trailer

June 13, 2018 / Posted by:

The teaser trailer for Tim Burton’s Dumbo is here and I’ve got to say, I forgot how much I love him. It’s so nice to have a Johnny Depp-less Burton film to look forward to! As far as Disney live-action remakes go, this looks pretty dark. And that’s a good thing! Dumbo is a deeply disturbing story that’s ruined many a childhood. It deserves an equally disturbing, childhood ruining remake.

Here’s the trailer for Dumbo with the theme song “Baby Mine” sung by Norwegian singer-songwriter Aurora (via Polygon):

Holy anime eyes Tim Burton’s Batman! Also, Holy Batman, Batman! Yes, according to Polygon, that is best Batman Michael Keaton as V.A. Vandevere, a “persuasive entrepreneur” who recruits Dumbo for his “larger-than-life entertainment venture, Dreamland”. Keeping it in the Bat-Fam, Danny DeVito plays a circus owner who recruits Colin Farrell and his two kids to take care of Dumbo.

And in case you’ve got sand in your eyes and couldn’t tell, the little girl who plays Colin’s daughter Milly looks exactly like Thandie Newton. With good reason! She’s played by Nico Parker, Thandie’s 13 year-old mini-me. I’m not going to say one word about that beautiful girl Nico being having a very white family in this film (ok, maybe I said 21 words). Nowhere to be seen though are those racist ass crows from the original. Although, maybe they will address that elephant in the room in subsequent treatments.

Pic: YouTube

The First Trailer For “The Girl In The Spider’s Web” Is Out

June 7, 2018 / Posted by:

I’m afraid to say the new Spider-Girl movie looks a little dark. I know Marvel’s been touching on some heavier themes lately, but this is one superhero movie that looks like it’s no fun at all! At least Infinity War had some comic relief to break up the *spoiler alert* Greenday “Time Of Our Lives” crumble into dust montage ending *end spoiler*. In Marvel’s latest, The Girl In The Spider’s Web: Spider-Girl’s Revenge, Claire Foy takes over the role of Spider-Girl Lisbeth Salander, who was played by Rooney Mara in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: Spider-Girl Gone Wild.

Here’s the trailer for TGITSW:

I kid, of course. Marvel would never allow that haircut to taint its celluloid legacy. At least Claire opted to get an actual haircut for this role instead of going with a discount wig from Party City like Jennifer Garner in Peppermint. I never knew there was an agreed upon revenge porn hair style before!

I’ve never actually read any of the Stieg Larsson Millennium Series novels nor have I seen any of the movies because they are confusing. The Girl In The Spider’s Web is based on the 4th book in that series, but is actually the 5th movie to be made. First there was a Swedish production of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo starring actual Swede Noomi Rapace, plus two follow ups The Girl Who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest, also with Noomi. Then because Americans are too dumb to read good, they made an English language version of TGWTDT starring American actress Rooney Mara whose name is very similar to Noomi but is a totally different person. And Rooney has a sister, Kate Mara who is also an actress and I always get confused and think Noomi is Kate’s sister instead of Rooney. There are just too many damn girls doing too many destructive acts to keep up!

Pic: YouTube

Open Post: Hosted By Tilda Swinton’s 1000 Yard Stare In The Trailer For The “Suspiria” Remake

June 4, 2018 / Posted by:

If anybody’s gonna give you the heebie jeebies just by smoking a cigarette intensely, it’s gonna be Tilda Swinton. In the remake of the 1977 Dario Argento classic horror movie Suspiria, Tilda gets to puffing while the string section of an unseen 3rd grade orchestra tunes up, and Dakota Johnson does some heavy breathing exercises that don’t end in her screaming her safe word while experimenting with 50 shades of butt stuff.

Here’s the super creepy trailer that’s everything Mother! wanted to be but wasn’t.

That’s a solidly creepy piece of work. Strangely, the scariest thing to me was the lady who folded her hands and the beginning with the long, thin thumb fingernails. That’s a bigger “yikes” to me than maggots on the face. No contest.

I know I’ve seen the original but can’t remember a thing about it. Like, objectively I know it’s a “good” movie but I think I’ve fallen asleep halfway through more than once. Everybody probably has that one film nerd friend who made you try to watch it. If not, then you probably are that film nerd friend. If you are, don’t be like mine and pop Suprisia (or any other Italian movie with subtitles) in the VCR after midnight when everybody is coming down from whatever and then get pissy when people fall asleep or talk during it. Sometimes we talk because we’re scared and can’t take the masterfully build tension! Or because we’re still too high.


Here’s The Trailer For “Peppermint” Starring Jennifer Garner

June 1, 2018 / Posted by:

Jennifer Garner’s mad as hell and she’s not gonna take it anymore! After years of being the grown up in her relationship with Ben Affleck, she’s probably burnt the fuck out from playing nice. Maybe that’s why she’s eschewed her usual “rom-com I have pretty chestnut hair and a winning smile” roles for something slightly zestier. In Peppermint (I heard mint described as “cold spicy” recently which kind of blew my mind), directed by the same guy who did the first Taken movie, Jennifer plays a lady version of Liam Neeson in a kitten wig she borrowed from the Monét X Change collection. She’s an avenging angel willing to stop at nothing to get revenge for her slaughtered family. Peppermint is Jennifer’s phoenix back tattoo.

Here’s the trailer!

I swear to God I listened to the first part a minimum of 8 times in disbelief that she would tell her little girl that she had peppermint in her butt. I had to get an assist to hear what she really says (it’s “blood” apparently). This looks good, I will probably see this movie. It’s nice to see Jennifer back in Sydney Bristow mode instead of hands clasped primly in front, frozen smile and dead eyes mode, as she’s appeared of late. Of course this movie’s premise is older than dirt, but I enjoy the splendid mustache work going on throughout, so I’m in!

Pic: YouTube

Open Post: Hosted By The First Teaser Trailer For “Bohemian Rhapsody”

May 15, 2018 / Posted by:

The first teaser trailer for the cursed child that is the Queen biopic Bohemian Rhapsody is out. In it, we get our first look at why Hollywood has been fresh out of wigs since 2007, when they first started trying to get this movie made! As a refresher, first Sacha Baron Cohen was going to play Freddie Mercury but after dicking around for 3 years, Sacha bounced because the band wanted to make a feel-good movie that didn’t focus on Freddie. During that time, they lost a couple of directors but eventually Bryan Singer was hired. Last year they found their new Freddie in Rami Malek and started production. Then Bryan got fired and they replaced him with Dexter Fletcher. Kudos to Dexter for finally getting this ship launched.

Here’s the trailer.

We all know that Freddie had himself an unruly mouthful of jack o’lantern choppers so, getting those right were paramount to pulling together Rami’s look. And I don’t think they did them right. Something is off here. Freddie’s choppers were elegantly wasted. When his mouth was open, they sprung forth like an audience giving him a well deserved standing ovation. When his mouth was closed, he had a sensual, slightly pouty look. When Rami’s mouth is closed he looks like he’s smuggling an egg. And when his mouth is open, it just looks like perfectly normal dentures, that are comically three times bigger than they should be. All the same, I love the costumes and whatever combination of Freddie/Rami vocals they’re using here sound great. I will watch this movie but I’m bringing incense and a Freddie prayer candle with me to the theater. There are some spirits that deserve all the deference I can muster.

Pic: YouTube

Here’s The Trailer For “Whitney”, Another Whitney Houston Documentary

April 27, 2018 / Posted by:

You won’t find a lot of people arguing the fact that Whitney Houston was one of the most incredible vocalists in several generations. However, one might argue that we know enough about Whitney’s life and tragic death to last last several generations more. But the reality is that in death, as in life, everybody wants a piece of Whitney. So we’re getting another documentary. A trailer for Whitney, the latest documentary about her life and career, has just been released.

Here’s Whitney:

According to People, what distinguishes this documentary from the Showtime doc titled Can I Be Me, is that Whitney is the only doc to be officially sanctioned by Whitney’s estate. That probably means Whitney will focus more on Whitney’s talent, and less on her drug use, alleged bisexuality and relationship with Robyn Crawford.

Robyn doesn’t seem to be a presence in Whitney and frankly, I’m surprised Cissy Houston even allowed Bobby Brown to participate at all. I guess he’d be pretty hard to wipe from the record, though I’m sure Cissy has looked into it more than once.

I really don’t need another Whitney biography, but I’ll watch it anyway because any footage of Whitney performing is footage I want to watch. And since we already know all about the ugly in Whitney’s life, it might be a nice change to see her beauty and talent filtered through her mother’s loving gaze.

Pic: YouTube

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