On the left is Javier Bardem in the teaser trailer for The Counselor and on the right is the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Thanks to ten cans of pink AquaNet, a blow dryer set to high and possibly a taser gun, Javier Bardem TRIES IT, but his hair just can’t beat the hair on the head of the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Because the Ancient Aliens meme guy’s hair just isn’t hair. It’s a hairy satellite that communicates with aliens from the ancient world. So he wins!
Anyway, below is the trailer for Ridley Scott’s The Counselor, which is about a lawyer (Michael Fassbender) who gets into the drug selling business with two drug lords (Javier Bardem and Cameron Diaz), because he wants to give his girlfriend (Penelope Cruz) a fancier life. That is just crazy. Who in the hell starts selling drugs to give their piece a fancier life? Any reasonable ho would just get into the pyramid scheme game. (Side note: Remember that pyramid scheme where you’d get a list of 20 names and addresses and you’d have to send a $1 to each of them. If you did that, you’d get on the next list and a bunch of people would send a $1 to you. You were supposed to make thousands of thousands of dollars from it. Remember that scheme? I wonder who was dumb enough to fall for that shit? I totally fell for it.) Here’s the trailer:
Javier Bardem’s hair, the grease stuck to Brad Pitt’s locks and those cheetahs (cheetahs are such fame whores) probably think they’re the stars of this movie, but they’re wrong. The true star is Cameron Diaz. I skimmed through a review of the script (I know, I really have no life) and read that Cameron plays Malkina, Javier Bardem’s sociopathic and horny partner who is a computer genius and is obsessed with cheetahs and cars. Apparently, she’s really REALLY into cars and has even fucked one. So those of you haters who have said in the past, “The only way Cameron Diaz is going to get an Oscar nomination is if screws a car on camera,” can eat it, because she’s finally doing it. Pour some Turtle Wax on that car hood and get that Oscar, bitch!
Above is the trailer for August: Osage County, which George Clooney isn’t in, but he’s one of the producers and his name comes up first, so he’s obviously the MOST IMPORTANT thing about this movie. I never saw or read the play, so I don’t know for sure, but isn’t it supposed to be dark and cynical and heartbreaking and shit? This looks like a semi-uplifting family comedy that ends with everybody skipping through the fields while a Sheryl Crow song plays. Then during the credits, they’ll show bloopers. But DAMN at Ewan McGregor’s hotness. Who knew that when you put a beard on him and drop in the south, he can make my nipples twitch.
Below is the trailer for Gravity, which George Clooney is in for second. This is the movie that Alfonso Cuarón has tried to make forever. Angie Jolie was going to do it, then she passed, then they begged her again, then she passed again, then they almost got Natalie Portman, then Natalie Portman passed and then they finally got Sandra Bullock. Sandra and George play two astronauts who go to space together. One second they’re like, “Oooh, everything’s so pretty,” and then the next second they’re like, “Aaaaaah, we’re dying!” Their space shuttle blows up and Sandra goes drifting into space by herself. It’s like 127 Hours and Open Water in SPACE!
And some people got really nervous and had to reach for the oxygen mask while watching this, but I just wondered if Sandra Bullock put on an extra pair of space diapers underneath her suit. Because the only thing worse than floating aimlessly through space is floating aimlessly through space in a suit full of caca.