I don’t play video games so I don’t really know what Lara Croft’s deal is supposed to be. I did see the first movie with Angelina Jolie and it was fun to watch a female lead be a swashbuckling adventurer who seemed to give few if any fucks. Now I’ve just watched the newest trailer for the new reboot simply called Tomb Raider starring Alicia Vikander and I’m spitting mad for no good reason. In #thesetryingtimes, you’d think I’d have something better to get worked up about. Yet, here we are.
The trailer for season two of The Handmaid’s Tale is here and it looks like a real no fun bummer; but fashion. It’s a decent trailer but I kinda feel like I’ve seen it all before. For starters, they lost major points for originality by doing that thing they all do these days where instead of dialog there’s a slowed down, minor key version of an uptempo song and it makes me stabby. I want to snap the index finger off of whoever keeps plucking the same key on the piano over and over and over again. Your movie or television program is dark and twisty, WE GET it!
Here’s the trailer.
Like I said, it all seems very familiar. There are only so many times you can stick a camera on a drone to show ladies in red arranging themselves into the form of a pentagram, or whatever. Besides, Busby Berkeley already did it better. Also, there is something Elisabeth Moss does with her face and neck in the scene where she’s with her husband and daughter that I hate. She looks like she’s trying to swallow a frog. Here’s what I saw watching this:
The Martian, Planet of the Apes, that Mean Joe Green coke commercial, Pulp Fiction, The Remains of The Day, Citizen Caine, Cool Hand Luke, The Crucible, a Canadian remake of Born of the Fourth of July, Signs, Miller’s Crossing, that weird 1984 Mac commercial, The Girl on The Train, The Hunger Games.
That said, I enjoy most of those points of reference so I’m on board. I hope Elisabeth manages to hork up whatever it is that’s choking her.
Pic: Hulu via YouTube
The gender-reversed Overboard remake that nobody asked for now has a trailer. And after the cut is how I imagine the conversation at the studio went down when discussing this cinematic bowel movement.
The vaginas are coming! The vaginas are coming! The trailer for the long awaited (ok, sustained indifferenced) Ocean’s 8 is here and it’s got more vaginas than a Amazonian gynecology conference! As expected, it stars Sandra Bullock as the titular Ocean (1) and includes Cate Blanchett as some kind of badass (2), Mindy Kaling as some kind of jeweler (3), Rihanna as some kind of hacker (4), Helena Bonham Carter as Helena Bonham Carter (5), Sarah Paulson as a suburban mom with a criminal past (6), Awkwafina as a street grifter (don’t ask me I have no idea who she is either, 7) and that’s only 7 so what the fuck? Yes, Anne Hathaway is in it but she appears to be the target so I’m confused.
We all know the basic Jurassic Park formula by now: Take one part remote island, one part ego driven scientist, one part scary monsters, one part greedy corporate entity, one part dashing hero, one part imperiled children, one part screaming lady and one part Jeff Goldblum. Add a dash of sweeping music and you’ve got yourself a blockbuster! But really, there are only so many times this formula is going to work. Sooner or later you have gotta change it up. We’re now on the 5th iteration with Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom whose tag line is “Life, Uh, Finds a Way”, let’s see if they’ve monkeyed with the formula.
The new trailer for the upcoming season of Ryan Murphy’s true crime anthology, American Crime Story 2: The Assassination of Gianni Versace, is finally here. I have a feeling Donatella Versace‘s long skeletor finger has raked itself across Ryan’s face and warned him to “keep it classy, dahling”. I know she’s not supposed to be the star but Donatella is clearly the funnest character up in this bitch. And if you’re competing with Gina Gershon and Maya Rudolph in The Battle of The Network Donatellas, bleaching Penelope Cruz’s eyebrows, slapping a blond wig on her head and saying “presto chango!” does not a Donatella make. It makes a weird looking Penelope Cruz with a bizarro accent. She’s still basically Penelope Cruz but with itchy looking contacts and hasn’t she been through enough already?