Category: Tracy Morgan
Tracy Morgan And His Glorious Gut Returned To The Emmys Last Night
It’s been 15 months since the fatal limo bus crash that put Tracy Morgan in the hospital and his beautiful bulging stomach into temporary retirement, and I guess he’s feeling a whole hell of a lot better, because Tracy made an appearance at the Primetime Emmy Awards last night and served up some Tracy Jordan realness. I can almost hear Liz Lemon sighing before telling Kenneth: “Keep an eye on him, and make sure his pants aren’t next.”
Tracy was there to present the Outstanding Drama Series award (which went to Game of Thrones), and for the most part he kept it serious. The audience gave him a standing ovation when he walked out on stage in a fancy-ass suit (Thanks, Walmart!), and he thanked everyone for their “love, prayers and positive thoughts.” He also kept his gut tucked away, because flashing your swollen bowling ball is really more of a Daytime Emmys move. Eventually he proved Tracy is still Tracy by making a pregnancy joke:
“When I finally regained consciousness, I was ecstatic to learn I wasn’t the one who messed up. Only recently I’ve started to feel like myself again, which means a whole lotta young women gonna get pregnant at the after party.”
Here’s the full video of his speech. You know Grizz and Dot Com totally felt cheated that they didn’t get a shout-out.
And in 9 months, the US population will almost double in size. Sure, 98% of it will be thanks to the Duggars and their constant baby-making, but I’m sure a couple of those new babies will be the result of Tracy’s recuperated sperms.
Speaking of babies, here’s Tracy, Tracy’s pregnant lady-looking gut, Tracy’s “new wife” Megan Wollover, and their 2-year-old daugher Maven.
Tracy Morgan Gave His First Interview Since Fatal Car Crash
Tracy Morgan talked to smug in a suit Matt Lauer on Today this morning and it was his first interview since a Walmart tractor-trailer crashed into his limo bus last June. The accident killed his friend, comedian James McNair, and left him with a brain injury and fucked-up bones. Walmart reportedly settled with James McNair’s family for $10 million and they also settled with Tracy. Tracy signed one of those “You Say Shit And We Sue For Our Money Back” contracts, so he can’t say how much Walmart settled for, but I’m guessing he got almost enough money to buy the Discovery Channel so he can make Shark Week every week.
Tracy told Matt Lauer that he was in a coma for two weeks and remembers nothing about the accident. While some of us would not want to watch the video of our car crash and would rather fill our heads with moving pictures of tiny kittens yawning while wearing bow ties and bunny ears, Tracy watched the video of his accident on YouTube every single day. Tracy also watched the video of James McNair’s funeral, because it was his way of paying his respects to his friend.
“I had to know what happened to my friend. I had to know. I had to pay my respects, and that was my way. He was a close friend of mine, a comrade in comedy. He was a loving man, and he was a warm man. He was a good man. It’s just hard for me to see that he’s gone.”
Tracy wants to get back to comedy, but he’s not ready yet. He still suffers from headaches, forgetfulness and nose bleeds. The interview is pretty hard to watch, because Tracy breaks down and it’s also hard to watch because there’s way too many shots of Matt Lauer’s face.
I did throw a “que?” face when Tracy praised Walmart like that. I’m sure the executives at Walmart went “awww” for a second and then went right back to whipping their drivers and shouting at them to snort some goddamn Vivarin, because they got another 24-hour shift to do. The People of Walmart need their Mountain Lightning!
Tracy Morgan Has Settled With Walmart Over Fatal Limo Bus Crash
It’s been nearly a year since the New Jersey Turnpike crash that killed comedian James McNair and left Tracy Morgan in a bad way with a broken leg, broken ribs and a brain injury. Tracy hasn’t worked since and he wasn’t well enough to do Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary special back in February. Since the crash, Tracy’s lawyers and Walmart have been fighting it out. Tracy’s lawyers pointed out that the driver of the Walmart truck admitted to police that he hadn’t slept in 24 hours before the multi-car crash. Walmart’s lawyers tried to blame Tracy for his injuries by saying that he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. Well, they’re not going to take their shank fight to a courtroom, because E! News reports that they have settled.
James McNair’s family got $10 million when they settled with Walmart in March. We won’t ever know how much money Tracy got from Walmart, because he signed a confidentiality agreement. He released this statement today and it’s best if you read it in Tracy Jordan’s voice.
“Walmart did right by me and my family, and for my associates and their families. I am grateful that the case was resolved amicably.”
My guess is that Walmart “did right” by him by giving enough money to buy several Benihana franchises and fund a real Who Dat Ninja? movie. And I bet that in a few months, Walmart will be hitting Tracy up for some child support, because I’m sure that during a break in settlement negotiations, he took their ugly orange sunburst logo behind a middle school and got it pregnant.
Doctors Say That Tracy Morgan May Never Perform Again
Yesterday, Walmart showed their low-down dirty, evil asses when they partly blamed Tracy Morgan for his injuries, because they’re trying to settle for as little as possible and shareholders will be really sad if the gigantic pool of gold coins they dive into every morning Scrooge McDuck-style doesn’t splash as much due to it being drained of gold coins to pay Tracy’s settlement with. Walmart’s lawyers said that if Tracy was wearing a seatbelt during the crash, he wouldn’t be in a bad way today. New Jersey law states that everyone riding in any kind of passenger vehicle must wear a seatbelt. Tracy immediately responded to Walmart pointing the finger at him. I put Tracy’s response in my post yesterday, but I’ll throw it up again here. I’m kind of disappointed that Tracy didn’t accuse the Walmart executives of being pigeons and shifty-eyed bunny rabbits in their past lives:
“After I heard what Walmart said in court, I felt I had to speak out. I can’t believe Walmart is blaming me for an accident that they caused. My friends and I were doing nothing wrong. I want to thank my fans for sticking with me during this difficult time. I love you all. I’m fighting hard every day to get back.”
Tracy’s lawyer, Benedict Morelli, told Page Six yesterday that his injuries are so bad that he may never perform again. Tracy is undergoing serious rehab including “daily speech, cognitive, vocational and physical therapies.” “The jury is still out” on Tracy performing again says Benedict. He doesn’t know and doctors don’t know. Benedict also went in on Walmart:
“These people are despicable. They knew that they changed these people’s lives forever and killed somebody. They’re good blame shifters. I guess that’s how they make $783 billion a year, shifting the blame.”
Benedict added that Tracy is doing everything he can to comeback and so far he’s lost out on many jobs including a TV show and a movie.
Yeah, I know that Walmart’s lawyers are just doing their jobs and Tracy’s lawyer is doing his job by telling the press that he may never work again. If Tracy isn’t ever able to perform again, then Walmart may have to pay him for all the money he would’ve made if he was able to perform. Walmart is trying to rollback the price of the settlement and Tracy’s lawyer is trying to roll it forward. And how much will it affect the settlement amount if we find out that the movie Tracy wasn’t able to do was Who Dat Ninja 3: Dat Ninja Be Me? If you put a price on the world missing out on a Who Dat Ninja movie, the price would be $783 billion, give or take.
Of Course: Walmart Blames Tracy Morgan For His Crash Injuries (UPDATE)
Walmart has told Tracy Morgan the same thing I tell myself whenever the broken pieces of my charred soul burn a little more after I walk into a Walmart: “You brought this upon yourself, bitch!”
Tracy Morgan is suing the ‘Murican Emporium of Glamour for the crash that killed his friend Jimmy Mack and left him with serious injuries. One of Walmart’s tractor-trailers rammed into a limo bus carrying Tracy Morgan, Jimmy Mack and others on the New Jersey Turnpike last June. Tracy’s lawyer says that it’s all Walmart’s fault because Kevin Roper, the driver of the tractor-trailer, was awake for more than 24 hours before the crash and he was driving 20mph over the speed limit. But well, if you thought that Walmart’s yellow smiley face of pure evil would just spit out an “I’m sorry” before dropping a mountain of money into Tracy’s lap, then you don’t know Walmart or billion dollar American corporations.
Tracy Morgan Is Suing Walmart Over The Bus Crash That Put Him In The Hospital
Tracy Morgan may not be ready to walk out of the hospital just yet, but he’s definitely ready to kick a lawsuit in the direction of the person responsible for putting him in there.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, a lawsuit was filed Thursday in New Jersey by Tracy Morgan, comedian Ardie Fuqua, Tracy’s assistant Jeffrey Millea, and Jeffrey’s wife Krista Millea against Walmart Inc. after one of their truck drivers rear-ended Tracy’s limo bus on the New Jersey Turnpike on June 7th and sent comedian James McNair up to Heaven and the rest of the passengers to the hospital (including an 8-months-pregnant Krista). The suit alleges that “Walmart knew or should have known” that the driver of the truck, Kevin Roper, was fatigued when the accident occurred and that he had been awake for more than 24 consecutive hours. They’re seeking compensation, statutory damages, punitive damages, legal fees, as well as pre and post judgment interest, and a trial by jury (fingers crossed they get Judge Dredd). The entire lawsuit can be found here, so if you really get a boner from Law & Order legal speak, grab the lube and prepare for one hell of a Saturday night.
Surprisingly, someone at Walmart was granted a 15-minute break (unpaid, of course) and they released this statement in response to the lawsuit:
“This has been a terrible tragedy. We wish Mr. Morgan, Mr. Fuqua Jr., and Mr. Millea full recoveries. Our thoughts continue to go out to them, their families and friends, as well as to the families and friends of everyone involved, including Mr. McNair, who lost his life. We are deeply sorry that one of our trucks was involved. As we’ve said, we’re cooperating fully in the ongoing investigation. We know it will take some time to resolve all of the remaining issues as a result of the accident, but we’re committed to doing the right thing for all involved.”
I’m not dumb – I know that a pile of cash won’t magically undo what happened. But I do know that if I was going after Walmart, I’d try to #getmoneybitch. So git it, Tracy! Take them for everything they got! Don’t settle for anything less than a Scrooge McDuck swimming pool filled with gold coins and every last 12-pack of Hanes white socks and at least 100 trampolines (and not the dirty ones that have been sitting outside the front of the store for the past 7 months). Get that Walmart money!