Category: Too Much Information

Snooki And Her Piece Conceived Their Daughter While Driving In The Car

October 15, 2015 / Posted by:

I did not need to know the mating rituals of Ewoks, but Snooki told us anyway. Snooki was on Wendy Williams (via Page Six) promoting something or another and during the “Hot Seat” section of the show, Wendy asked her where is the craziest place she’s ever wet humped. Snooki said a car. A CAR. This is Snooki. I’m sure she fucked the duck phone while on a ferris wheel at the Jersey Shore, but Snooki went with “car.” Snooki says that she and her husband Jionni LaValle were driving back from a date when they couldn’t ignore the throbbing in their mammaloid biped loins and had to get it on while he was driving on the highway. This is the beautiful tale of how their 12-month-old daughter came to be:

“Me and Jionni went out on a date in Hoboken [New Jersey] and we were driving back and we started hooking up while he was driving. I just climbed on top of him while he’s driving on the highway.

My period didn’t come and I got pregnant.”

They’re both slightly bigger than Fisher-Price Little People®, so I guess getting their road fuck-on wouldn’t be that hard. But I’m going to give Jionni all the credit here. Jionni managed not to crash while sitting on a booster seat and working those extension pedals as Snooki squirted pickle crotch juices all over his dick and let out a high-pitched sex screech into his ears. That takes real talent.

And since we’re on the subject of riding your man’s stick shift while on the highway, let’s relive this classic:

Because You’ve Been Wondering: Yes, Brody Jenner And His Piece Have Threesomes

June 14, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s a slow Sunday and I am way too hungover to shit up another Rachel Dolezal post, so here’s the overfilled Diva Cup that is Brody Jenner mouth queefing up about threesomes with his girlfriend and how the most traumatic thing he’s ever experienced is going down on a girl whose coochie situation smelled like Khlozilla’s breath after she catches salmon in a lake.

Since E!’s pact with the devil states that they must give a shit show to absolutely any whore associated with the Kartrashians, Brody is getting a sex talk show that premieres next month. To promote his new show, the douche bro Sue Johanson did an interview with GQ about fucking. Brody let everyone know that he and his current girlfriend Kaitlynn (AWKWARD ALERT) get into threesomes and that’s my brain’s cue to burp up the image of Kaitlynn filing her nails as Brody and his Dollar Tree Wilmer Valderrama friend go at it.

“We have the best sex together, but we also switch it up and do fun things as well. We’re not opposed to having somebody else join in on our sexcapades. It’s funny, because a lot of people are always nervous to bring up that subject: ‘Hey, what about having a threesome?’ I truly believe that a lot more people are a lot more receptive than you think. And when the conversation was brought up, Kaitlynn said, ‘I actually don’t mind that at all.’ So I was extremely excited about that.”

I think what Kaitlynn meant is, “I actually don’t mind that at all, because I’ll have someone to laugh at your douchetastic tattoo with.”

And as for Brody’s most “traumatic” sexual experience:

“The first time I ever went down on a girl, I was fairly young—like fourteen, fifteen. It smelled terrible, I’m not gonna lie. It was honestly the most traumatic experience for me. After that, basically I said that I’m never gonna do that ever again in my life. I was just like, ‘Oh my God, that’s what it’s like? Jesus. I’m never doing this again—ugh!’ Like, I was completely disgusted. And then later on in life, I tried it again and was like, ‘Oh, this is totally different than the first time.’ So I think maybe the first misconception was that it smelled like that on every girl. That’s definitely not the case.”

But what I want to know is, how did the chocha smell afterward? Because well, it’s been claimed that a coochie’s supposed to smell like fresh laundry and tropical rain after encountering a gigantic douchebag.

Here’s Brody and Kaitlynn with a K at the Entourage premiere a little while ago.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

QOTD: Donnie Wahlberg’s “Beautiful” Penis Perfectly Fits Jenny McCarthy’s Vagina

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Esteemed scientist and voice of reason Jenny McCarthy once said that when she first hung out with Donnie Wahlberg she thought he was gay because he didn’t try to bone her right away. Donnie didn’t wet hump her right away because he wanted to get up to date on his shots, obviously. But when they finally did sex, she was so hypnotized by the beauty of his beautiful beautiful dick. On Watch What Happens Live (via E!) last night, a “caller” called in to ask the question we all ask ourselves before we go to sleep and when we wake up in the morning: “How has sex changed with Donnie?” Before we get into the answer that Jenny burped up, you know the “caller” was calling from the green room, because it was Jenny’s assistant who was forced to ask this question, because she wanted to let everyone know that she and Donnie’s fuck time fun is so powerful and amazing that it can cure autism.

Jenny used the question to tell us how beautiful Donnie’s dick is:

“Without a doubt, it gets better every single time I make love to him. First of all, he has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen in my life. But you know what it is, he knows how to [use it],”

Fellow guest Tom Bergeron needed a better visual, so he asked Jenny what she means by “beautiful” and she continued to spit up more TMIness:

“Sometimes they’re deformed-looking and sometimes they’re a different color that you’re not used to. Some are, like, purple. Some are pink. The size is perfect. I can’t get too descriptive. But, you know what I mean! It fits my vagina perfectly and hits the spots right. But the thing about it is…he makes love to a woman.”

So many “battering ram down a hallway” jokes, so little time.

But really, deformed dicks? The hell kind of CDC hall of fame dick has she had? I wonder if the peens were deformed before or after sexing Jenny? If they looked like that after, she can’t blame them. They obviously got deformed and sick-looking because they caught whooping cough and the mumps from her chocha.

Nick Cannon Wins Today’s Overshare Trophy

January 11, 2014 / Posted by:

You can thank Nick Cannon for any time you spend thinking about Mariah Carey naked today. The America’s Got Talent host and Mimi’s child groom was asked by USWeekly how they keep things hot even though they have two-year-old twins.

Lots of sex,” Cannon candidly told Us at the Variety Breakthrough Awards in Las Vegas on Thursday, Jan. 9.

You know Mariah goes through every high note from “Emotions” as she climaxes. And hey, if Nick can get it up in her Hello Kitty room, more power to him but I still don’t want to think about his o-face. It’s probably the same look I get when the chair I’m reclining in starts to tip over.

At least the two of them have a million rooms to fuck in that their kids don’t even know exist. The rest of us have to hope the door lock holds so we don’t look over mid-thrust and see a creepy figure standing next to the bed like a mini Jehovas Witness. Instead of wanting talking to you about accepting Jesus as your Lord and savior, they want to lay out their argument for getting a pet kangaroo at 11:15 at night. Is it too much to ask to get your freak on in peace and pass out so you can be woken up at 5:15 by the same kid who won’t let the fucking kangaroo thing go?

(Pic: Wenn)

FYI: Sharon Osbourne Had Her Vagina Tightened

November 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Since today’s theme is obviously twats of all kinds, here’s Sharon Osbourne telling Graham Norton (via People) about her most painful plastic surgery ever. Sharon’s been pulled, nipped, tucked and had her face rotated into all kinds of different shapes and sizes, but she said that surgery that really had her screaming for the baby Jesus to end her misery was vaginoplasty. Judging by how tight her mouth looks in that picture above, you’d think she had vaginoplasty on her face mouth, but no, she had it on her down low parts. I guess having a bunch of kids stretched out her chocha and she really didn’t like sending a search party in there every time Ozzy accidentally fell in during fuck times. So she took herself to the plastic surgeon and now it’s tighter than a virgin snake’s cloaca. In the video at the end of this post, Sharon, Graham and Colin Farrell had a short conversation about her sparkling new snatch:

Graham Norton: What’s the worst procedure? What was the most painful procedure?

Sharon: Having my vagina tightened. It was the worst. It was just excruciating. Excruciating!

Colin: What did that entail? What did that? What did that entail?

Sharon: Oh, I’ll show you later.

The more you know, I guess. Every time a celebrity talks about getting her coochie cinched, I just have to make my retinas curl by Googling before and after pictures of pussy tightening surgery. If you haven’t done it, don’t do it. If you’re curious, just Google “Keith Richards with his tongue out” instead. That’s pretty much what most of the before pictures look like.

In “Not Today, Not Ever” News: Dr. Con Held Michael Jackson’s Peen Every Night

November 24, 2013 / Posted by:

I saw the headline “I Held Michael’s Penis Every Night” this morning and hoped that I had woken up in the future and that quote came from Anderson Cooper’s mouth during an interview about our love. But nope. Waking up to a headline like that and realizing that it’s about Dr. Conrad Murray and Michael Jackson is the universe’s way of telling you to get under the covers, crawl to the bottom of your bed and stay there forever. Or just do what that Jackson fanboy is doing: guzzle on something mind-numbing until the images aren’t burning your brain anymore. Just start guzzling now and keep your eyes up.

Dr. Conrad Murray, the crooked ass doctor who ended up at the top of Detective La Toya’s most wanted list when he gave Michael Jackson that fatal injection of Propofol, is out of prison after serving four years for killing MJ and he’s back out on the ho stroll, selling his story to anyone who will write him a check. Dr. Con talked to The Mail on Sunday about Michael Jackson and the interview is a rambling mess from start to finish. Dr. Con is still screaming “I’m innocent!” and says that Michael Jackson is the one who sent himself moonwalking to heaven by giving himself a massive injection of Propofol from his own stash. Dr. Con says that he misses Michael Jackson so much and the two were so close that his hand visited MJ’s peen daily. Before you shout, “Whore, please, you were 50 years too old to be MJ’s type,” Dr. Con says that he only touched MJ’s peen to put on a condom catheter:

“He wore dark trousers all the time because after he went to the toilet he would drip for hours. You want to know how close Michael and I were? I held his penis every night. I had to put a condom catheter on him because Michael dripped urine. He had a loss of sensation and was incontinent. Michael didn’t know how to put a condom on, so I had to do it for him.”

This is some “lost my medical license and don’t give a fuck about it” shit. Two thing: I never think anything is too much information, but this is too much information and I’m only sharing it with you, because if I have to suffer, so do you! Also, it’s ridiculous that Dr. Con’s NOT RIGHT ass thinks that slipping a condom catheter on MJ’s peen every night means that they were best friends forever. I guess this means that I should expect a friendship bracelet from the free clinic doctor the next time he sticks a finger up my ass.

And when Dr. Con wasn’t putting a condom on MJ or filling his veins up with sleepy time drugs, he was looking at naked chick magazines with him. Dr. Con queefed this out when he was asked if MJ was gay:

“I can’t tell you everything. What I will say is that he and I would look at girly magazines. He liked skinny brunettes. He told me his whole life gay men had tried it on with him. He was uncomfortable with a lot of it. He said it was part of being in showbusiness. I don’t think he was homophobic but I know he’d had some terrible experiences. He told me he felt safe being around me. He knew I wouldn’t try anything.”

Well, now your brain is filled with that information. But I’m sure that sometime tomorrow morning Dr. Con will take all of this back after he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees the shadow of a threatening figure in a deerstalker hat staring at him as he sleeps. Detective La Toya got Dr. Con once and she won’t stop until she gets him again! My dear Bubbles, fetch her magnifying glass!

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