It wasn’t that long ago that Leonardo DiCaprio was working his way, one by one, through the nation’s supply of underwear models. Then it appeared he had reached the end of all the models and was starting back at one’s he’s already wined, dined, and sixty-oned (it’s where a lazy Leo pretends to participate in a 69, but he just ends up laying there like a slug). Last week Leo was seen on a date with Toni Garrn. A few days before he was seen on a date with a newer model Lorena Rae.
This picture of Leonardo DiCaprio pondering pensively has nothing to do with this story. But I like to think this is the same way he looks when he’s going through his old girlfriends and seeing which ones might get a repeat appearance in his life. “Lukas, show me the next list. I’d like blondes from 2013-2014. Let’s start with the first quarter, and can you list them by Victoria’s Secret catalogue appearances? Thank you, Lukas.”
It seems like the life has been sucked out of vampire Eric and Alexa Chung’s relationship. After more than two years together, Alexander Skarsgard and Alexa Chung are done. Thank God, because “Alex&Alexa“ sounds like an IKEA ottoman and its slipcover.
But he’s not spending his nights all sad at home. Page Six says that Nordic hottie Alexander Skarsgard took a vacation from my wet dreams (oh, back off, prudes!) and went out with (Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex) model (well, duh) Toni Garrn. They went on a blind date to the Dairy Queen in Montauk last weekend. Just kidding, Dairy Queen is too nice a place for a first date!
However, it doesn’t sound like Alex and Toni will go out with each other again. A source said, “They didn’t hit it off big-time. There may not be a second date in the cards.” Maybe it’s too soon for Tarzan?
But back to Alexa. Along with making me scratch my head as to why Alexa is viewed as such a *Hi-FAhShUN mUuUuZZzzzzzZZe* to sartorialists everywhere, she has been a bit of a Jane of the Jungle, swinging from A-Lister to A-Lister. She dated the lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys for a while, as well as a lengthy line-up of other rockers. Some even speculated Chris Martin was the jade egg in her vagine, and therefore why Gwyneth Paltrow and the Frodo of white people music consciously uncoupled. In short, I’m jealous.
Leave It To Dita Von Teese To Serve Up Flawless Retro Goth Alice In Wonderland Table Runner Realness
I don’t know if that’s actually a look, but it is now. Katy Keene’s closest living relative Dita Von Teese showed up at the amfAR Gala in Cannes today looking like a recently-divorced teacher from Ever After High who has decided to use up all her vacation days on a two week trip to Las Vegas with her best gals, Dottie and Trixie, and I love it. It’s like Alice in Wonderland meets Cry Baby meets a good push-up bra and a box of Clairol Nice n’ Easy #122. I feel like at any moment, a white rabbit is going to pop out of her cleavage and offer me a martini.
She also totally reminds me of one of the bedrooms in my aunt’s old house. My aunt had two fancy guest bedrooms, the white room and the blue room. I didn’t like staying in the white room because there were two old Raggedy Ann dolls that freaked me out, so I always picked the blue room. The blue room was opulent as hell; it was like Versailles farted on Liberace. Everything was covered in blue satin and embroidered with fancy beads and tassels and various decorative shim-shams. It was a wash-your-hands-twice-and-don’t-touch-nothing kind of room.
Basically what I’m trying to get at is that Dita Von Teese looks very classy and all, but she’s missing a decorative bolster pillow placed carefully on her boobs.
Here’s more of Dita at the amfAR Gala in Cannes, as well as a bunch of other fancy dressed famous types, like Rita Ora, Adrien Brody, the tallest of the Kalabasas Klan, and Robin Thicke. Yes, Robin Thicke is still getting invited to things.
OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) says that 22-year-old German Victoria’s Secret model Teri Garr (I know that’s not her name, but every time I try to type her real name my auto-correct gene automatically corrects it to Teri Garr. I cannot deny my auto-correct gene!) is no longer sucking the face piojos and cheesy dandruff puffs out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s scraggly beard as they spoon on a yacht in the South of France while forever third wheel Lukas Haas watches from a dark corner. They say that after a year and a half of bumping nipples, Teri Garr and 39-year-old Leo are no longer together. They were last papped together in NYC on September 3rd. OK! Magazine has so many details about the split that you’ll have to read the following with a quadruple-magnified magnifying glass, because there’s details hidden in the details.
The Wolf of Wall Street actor, 39, ended his relationship with model Toni Garrn, 22, after a year and a half of dating. The couple was last spotted in New York City on Sept. 3.
The split wasn’t too much of a surprise, as Garrn attended New York Fashion Week solo, while DiCaprio partied on the West Coast. But what lead to the split?
So many details! A source tells Gossip Cop that OK! is lie-telling, because ToNardo is still a thing.
I don’t know, it’s pretty believable. The world is now teetering on its axis, because George Clooney is the picture perfect portrait of a happily married monogamous man and Adam Levine is no longer ho’ing it up out in the open. Leonardo DiCatchAHo really cares about the planet and he can’t let it completely spin off its axis by staying in a relationship too long. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Leo put Teri Garr on the curb, because now that Clooney and Adam Levine are temporarily off the market he’s gotta triple up his fuck load and do all the models. Besides, Teri Garr turned 22 in July and 22 is “older than Methuselah’s balls” in DiCatchAHo years. That’s what the DiCatchAHo calculator on Victoria’s Secret’s website says anyway.
Here’s Toni Garrn (yes, I broke at least 3 finger bones while typing that name instead of Teri Garr) at some Vogue event in Milan on September 22nd.