Hold On To Your Beards, Tom Cruise Is Looking For A Girlfriend

In Tommy Girl’s home gym, he has a life-size stone statue of Alexander Skarsgard that he climbs up almost every day. Tiny Tommy never makes it to the top, but he prefers the view from the bottom anyway. So because Tommy has a Mt. ASkars replica in his gym, it’s only natural that his next beard wife come from Sweden. The Sun has pictures of Tommy having a gay ole’ time with Malin Akerman’s  model type sister Jennifer. Malin and Tommy did Rock of Ages together, so I’m sure Jennifer knows that if she wants to land the lucrative role of his fourth fake wife, she needs to fake laugh when he throws shade at Xenu and only eat gay-free ice cream around him.

A source says that at the after-party in Stockholm for Tommy’s new movie Jack Reach-around, he and Jennifer had drinks, laughs and got close. The source went on to say, “Even though Tom was working the room, once they got chatting they were locked in. They seemed very natural in each other’s company for most of the night and at the afterparty at the Rose club. Then all of a sudden they were gone…” Tommy’s rep tells Gossip Cop that Jennifer Akerman isn’t in the running to become Tommy’s Next Top Beard.

That rep can stop yanking my taint skin. When Tommy shares a drink with a woman, it usually leads to him taking her to his office at the Scientology Center, which usually leads to the lawyers walking in, which usually leads to the new beard signing her name in blood on a 453-page confidentiality agreement and contract stating that she’ll gladly get a lobotomy with a Chatty Cathy doll. You will all believe me when Jennifer’s being interviewed by some reporter and the only thing she says is, “Tell me a story.”

And here’s Tommy and Jimmy Fallon having a water fight last night. This match-up seems unfair since Tommy is a veteran when it comes to getting splashed in the face.

Sometimes NBC is prejudiced against non-US IPs, so if you can’t see the video above of Tommy and Jimmy Heather Mills-ing each other with water, just watch the video below. It’s practically the same thing.

What Did Tommy Get Suri Cruise For Christmas?

Suri Cruise gets to spend the Christmas holiday with her daddy and that’s good news for her, because Tommy Girl is actually fun. Unlike strict ass Katie Holmes, Tommy lets Suri do whatever she wants like slap the maids for serving her hot cocoa two degrees too hot, slap the Christmas tree for getting too dry too fast and slap Tia John Travolta for eating all of the frosted fruitcake. Also, Katie probably got Suri a bunch of cheap boring gifts like educational toys, sneakers (so she can walk on her own more, BOO) and peasant clothes from Old Navy. Tommy knows what Suri really likes, because apparently this Christmas he got her a pony and a mansion! Eat it, Veruca Salt.

The incredibly reliable and not-at-all-fictional news source Grazia Magazine (via ShowbizSpy) says that on Christmas morning, Suri Cruise will open a box holding the key to her new $13.5 million mansion in Upstate NY. Some source (aka the intern at Grazia who is mad that they had to stay in the office during Christmas break) says that Tommy bought Suri a pony and the pony can’t possibly live in Katie’s Manhattan apartment, so he bought his daughter a house. (Side note: Tommy is the same size as a pony, is just as loud, always has accidents on the floor and Katie lets him inside of her apartment. So why wouldn’t she let a pony live there?)

The source says that Suri has so many toys that don’t fit in Katie’s apartment, so Tommy is hoping she can keep them in her new mansion. The source put it like this:

“Tom is determined to make this the best Christmas ever. Obviously there isn’t anywhere to keep a pony at Katie’s apartment, so this place is ideal. It also has space for her toys, many of which have been in storage since Katie quit their LA mansion.”

When Katie’s mad, she’ll scream at Suri, “Go upstate to your multi-million dollar mansion, young lady!” and that just feels right. It also feels right that Suri is the girl version of Richie Rich. I’m sure Suri’s new mansion is actually a giant Scientology-made spaceship that will take her to her mother planet when Earth implodes, but whatever, she’s still got her own place! Take that, Blue Ivy Carter.

Speaking of BIC, Suri Cruise probably thinks she showed her up, but all that will change on Christmas Day when we all find out that Beyonce and Jay-Z bought Blue Ivy the island territory of Guam.

Here’s Katie and Suri in NYC this morning and Tommy leaving Letterman last night. Tommy’s sweater, button shirt and undershirt can’t contain his sweaty hotness.

Tom Cruise Is Serious When It Comes To Running His House

Tommy Girl is the queen of his castle and like every queen, he runs that shit from top to bottom (but mostly bottom). Tommy has a full staff that includes an estate manager, a valet, maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners and a team of human bidets. The day-to-day goings-on at Chateau de Tommy are as carefully choreographed as his last marriage. A source tells Radar that Tommy’s Bel Air mansion is split into several zones and each member of his staff is assigned a specific zone and they aren’t allowed to wander into other areas. If they step past their zone, a trap door opens and they fall into a vat of donut frosting before they’re fed to Kirstie Alley. The source explained it like this:

“Tom runs his household staff with absolute military precision and with the utmost attention paid to security. His Bel Air mansion is divided into zones, meaning that housekeepers and other support staff that work in the kitchen and food preparation area, aren’t permitted to go into another area of the house that falls outside of their allocated zone. It’s a huge house and Tom does this to ensure the safety of his family and children when they are visiting. The only members of household staff that have access to the entire house is the estate manager and the head of security.”

Of course Tommy gets Scientology involved with the running of his castle. The last time he hired an estate manager, he sent them to the Scientology Celebrity Center for testing.

“The test took an entire afternoon and included questions such as ‘if you saw a car stuck on the train tracks with people inside, and a train approaching, what would you do?’ The questions were just odd to say the least. Another section of the test dealt with math questions. It was a very rigorous, stressful and grueling test.”

The source got that train question all wrong. The question was, “If you saw a married, supposedly heterosexual movie star sucking off a hustler on the train tracks, and a train was approaching, would you tell TMZ?”

The zone thing isn’t that weird at all. The only thing that’s sort of weird is that at the end of each work day, every member of the all-male staff has to write his hours on his peen before sticking it in a hole in the wall marked “CLOCK IT HERE.” The staff member feels a slight tingling sensation and then he can pull out and go about his day. John Travolta makes his staff to do that too, so it must be a special Scientology time cock procedure.

This Hot Piece Was Found Wandering Around Tom Cruise’s Backyard Last Night….

Usually, when Tommy Girl’s neighbors hear the pained screams of a man coming from his backyard, they just assume that John Travolta’s itchy, itchy Scientolohole once again crashed Tommy’s gay orgy and started gobbling up boy dick left and right. But last night, a man screamed in Tommy’s backyard for a different reason. TMZ says that Jason Sullivan, a model/interior designer who lives in a house next to Tommy’s, was tased by a security guard after he climbed a fence and jumped into Tommy’s backyard. The line “man gets shocked after jumping into Tommy’s backyard” sounds like a euphemism for sex with a plug-in vibrator gone wrong.

The story goes that Jason Sullivan was out drinking and asked a friend to drive him home. After the friend dropped him off, Jason was so drunk on the sweet nectar that he didn’t know which house was his. So Jason stumbled onto Tommy’s property by accident. Jason knew he was in the wrong place when one of Tommy’s security guards frizzed his pubes by tasering his ass. When the police showed up, they found smoke rising from Jason’s pubes and hair as he tried to run away from Tommy’s mansion. Jason was arrested for trespassing and before he was shuffled off to jail, he was taken to the hospital, because getting tased screwed him up in a bad way. Tommy wasn’t home at the time.

This is just a sad, sad story. Can’t a secret lover sneak into his boyfriend’s Beverly Hills mansion for a good night kiss on the no-no without worrying about his piece’s bodyguard tasering the Thetans off of him? Romance is dead, because Tommy’s security guards tased it.

Don’t You Dare Call Tommy Girl A Bad Dad

Tommy Girl is slipping on his suin’ heels and practicing saying “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” in the mirror, because he has thrown a $50 million lawsuit at the company that publishes Life & Style and InTouch for saying that he abandoned Suri Cruise. You can make fun of Tommy on South Park and he won’t threaten to sue (yes, he will). You can say that you and him gargled on each other’s peens and he won’t sue (yes, he will). You can say that he tortured Stepford Katie and he won’t threaten to sue you (yes, he will). But if you say that he made Suri cry into her heels, he will sue you!

TMZ says that Tommy’s lawyer, Bert Fields, told Life & Style and InTouch to issue apologies and say that they lied, but after they didn’t, a lawsuit fell into their laps. Life & Style claimed in a July issue that Tommy is a dead beat daddy and has barely had any contact with Suri since Stepford Katie found the key to her locked brain hidden in his dildo drawer and left him forever. InTouch basically said the same thing. Tommy says they have defamed him, and usually he’s into getting defamed all over his face and ass because he’s into that sort of kink, but he’s not into it this time. Tommy wants justice. Bert put it like this:

“Tom is a caring father who dearly loves Suri. She’s a vital part of his life and always will be. To say he has ‘abandoned’ her is a vicious lie. To say it in lurid headlines with a tearful picture of Suri is reprehensible. Tom doesn’t go around suing people. He’s not a litigious guy. But when these sleaze peddlers try to make money with disgusting lies about his relationship with his child, you bet he’s going to sue.

These serial defamers are foreign owned companies with their global headquarters in Hamburg. They take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage. Having to pay a libel judgment may slow them down.”

“Tom doesn’t go around suing people”? That sounds like an interesting fairytale I’d like to read. “They take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage“? Hmmm…that sounds familiar.

Tommy does have a point and I’d show you that point, but Tommy’s all lubed-up and sitting on it right now. No, the point is that Tommy is a lot of things, but he’s not a shit father. Who do you think taught Suri how to work a pair of heels like a fierce diva? Who do you think taught Suri that walking is overrated? Who do you think taught Suri that the best way to get what you want is to start pounding on the floor while crying loudly (Fun fact: It’s how Tommy gets most of his movie roles)? Those are all very important life lessons and they were all taught by Tommy. Give the crazy little man bitch some credit.

Anyway, here’s Katie Holmes walking Suri Cruise to school the other day. I can’t tell if Suri’s mad in the face from having to go to school or if she’s mad because that mean ass Katie is making her use her legs to walk. Tommy would never.

Defector Or Just Defective?

You know when someone is spinning this crazy tale and you know it’s complete bullshit but it’s kind of entertaining watching them elaborate on their ridiculousness so you keep nodding and going “mmmmhmmm, WOW, oh really?” all the while thinking “and then roman candle balls shot out of your ass and spelled TRUTH in the sky? Interesting!” That’s the kind of slow dick pulling that is this latest from the Daily Mail.

Just like John Travolta is a sauna hating vagina aficionado without snap-on Lego hair, Tom Cruise is seriously considering cutting ties with his longest relationship, the CO$, to win back the hand of his lady love Katie Holmes and reunite their family according to this article from The Mail. Yes, the Mail is practically the gospel and would never lie tell, so we can all just accept this as fact and know that somewhere in the dimly lit and overly ornate underground $cientology headquarters, David Miscavige is clinging to a tear stained photo of him and his main ho Tom giving heil Hitleresque salutes in better days.

The article says that according to a source who won’t identify himself for fear of getting disappeared, Tom is becoming “disenchanted” with the church that has cost him wives, family and career. Well Tom, that would be a great epiphany if it actually happened, but I think it’s more like a crack head who blames everyone and everything else as they take another hit behind a filthy dumpster in a back alley instead of in their old comfy digs.

Although if he did actually leave skidmarks on the church as he sped away, maybe I could forgive him a little for the boring ass ball of YAWN that was their divorce. I mean, there we were in the middle of a gossip desert, dying of thirst and rubbing our hands together in anticipation of a long tall drink of clash of the Titans complete with spies, lies, cut brake lines, phone tapping and nightmarish truths coming to light, something that would make the Britney scandal look like a bedtime story, and he donned his highest lifts and pissed all over our dreams. WE HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN TOM. You owe us this.