Category: Tommy Girl

Tom Cruise Fired His Publicist Before Jumping On The Crazy Train

December 13, 2013 / Posted by:

In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter (via NYDN), Tom Cruise’s ex-publicist Pat Kingsley says she tried to get him to reel in his butt puckering love for all things Scientology and lost her job for it. Pat and Tommy Girl worked together for over 12 years and became so close they could almost finish each other’s sentences, which means Pat most likely just trailed off and let Tom finish so every other sentence she said didn’t end with “Thank God there are no gay people here“.

Pat spoke of one time the church tried get involved in the promotion for one of Tommy’s films. While Sciento tried to sneak the right hand of Xenu under the proverbial blanket for a hand job, Pat smacked it away.

I felt that they were involved in a story that I was doing on Tom, and I said: ‘It’s not your story; it’s Tom’s. You have to step aside.’ And they did.

But later on she said she “did have that conversation” with Cruise, 51, about “cooling it” with his religion and cautioned him not to incorporate it into his promotional work on films.

Tom eventually broke ties with Pat, saying he wanted “something different” and sent her ass to the unemployment line in 2004 and we all know the roller coaster of fuckery that followed. His version of different included couch aerobics, getting himself permanently and glibly crossed off Matt Lauer’s Christmas card list and a marriage to Stepford Katie that would go down in flames so fabulous John Travolta would try to hire it as a masseuse.

What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when Pat mixes a little too much Bailey’s in her morning Metamucil. You know there’s more gold swimming around inside her head than Flava Flav has around his damn neck at any given moment.

(Pic: Wenn)

A DUH From Tommy Girl: Katie Holmes Divorced His Ass To Get Suri Away From Scientology

November 8, 2013 / Posted by:

During his deposition in his $50 million defamation lawsuit against Bauer Media (the publisher of InTouch and Life & Style), Tom Cruise admitted that he doesn’t see Suri face-to-face a lot, but he does talk to her on the phone almost daily and he would communicate with her telepathically but somebody removed the WiFi chip that he installed in her brain at birth. Tommy Girl is legally scrapping with Bauer over a June 2012 cover story about how he “abandoned” Suri the same way sanity and reason abandoned his brain after he joined those crazy alien whores in Scientology. Now, even more bits from Tommy’s September 9th deposition, which was made public, are coming out.

People says that Tommy admitted to not seeing Suri for 100 days after Katie quit his ass in 2012. Tommy blamed it on his work schedule and when asked why he didn’t take Suri to her first day of school, he said that she never brought up. Bauer’s lawyers also brought up Scientology and in a shocking turn of events, that didn’t make Tommy’s glib-detecting eyeballs fall out of his head. When Bauer asked Tommy if Katie left him because she wanted to get Suri away from his Church of Crazies, his E.T. butt plug popped out of his ass a bit as he said:

“Listen, I find that question offensive. I find it, those statements offensive. Like with any relationship, there are many different levels to it. You know, I, I find it very offensive. There is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”

Okay, so Bauer’s lawyers rephrased the question as Tommy tried to use his powers of telekinesis to drop a ceiling tile on their heads. They asked if Scientology was one of the reasons why Katie dropped divorce papers on the bobbing head of one of his male slaves (she wanted to drop the papers on his lap but that bobbing head was in the way). Tommy answered with:

“Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes. There are many other aspects to the divorce.”

Bauer’s lawyers asked Tommy if Scientology considers Katie as a Suppressive Person (aka an enemy of L. Ro’s):

“That is a distortion and simplification of the matter. I don’t want to just give an oversimplification of religious doctrine.”

Damn that crazy bitch is in deep. I bet Bauer’s lawyer sat back and silently wondered, “Should Suppressive Person or Religious Doctrine be the name of my weekend band?” I bet that everybody in the room could hear the Thetans on his anus screeching in burning pain as his throbbing ass lips burned up over that question. Oh, to be a Thetan on Tommy’s body (not his b-hole) during that deposition. Bitch sounds wound up and more insane than usual. Somebody give him a Xanax and tell him it’s just a really weird looking piece of barley.

Radar says that in the lawsuit, Tommy’s lawyers also accused Katie and the people around her of leaking stories to the tabloids and calling the paps for photo-ops with Suri. Tommy’s publicist Amanda Lundberg says that Katie’s friends, makeup people and publicist Leslie Sloane passed stories to InTouch to make him look like a shit dad and make her look like a wonderful mother. Amanda claims that an editor friend told her that Katie’s business partner Jeanne Yang was one of the main leaks and constantly gave the tabloids stories. Amanda also accused Katie’s people of having the paps on speed dial:

“[Katie’s publicist] calls the paparazzi every time K gets ready to leave the building as the doormen are always surprised how they suddenly show up when she is about to leave.”

Tommy’s people brought up the time when InTouch ran a story about how Katie was upset because Tommy wasn’t there on Suri’s first day of school. Amanda says that Tommy was filming in London and never promised to take Suri to school on her first day. Amanda asked Katie’s people to put out a statement saying that shit is a lie, but she got crickets and tumbleweeds back.

Oh, how I wish this deposition was live streamed on the Internet, because I’ve been missing my daily dose of legal theatrics ever since Lindsay Lohan kept her fuck ups on the down low and has managed to break records by not getting into trouble. It sounds like Tommy put on a terrifying show!

What I got from the pieces of the deposition I read is that Tommy somehow managed to not see Suri for 100 days straight even though he’s got a fleet of hovercopters and teleporters in his garage. And what I also got from this is that Tommy’s publicist is kind of mad that Katie’s team is using their “call the paps to get a photo-op with Suri” move. That’s THEIR move, thankyouverymuch.

Tom Cruise Is Not The Great Love Of Nicole Kidman’s Life

October 29, 2013 / Posted by:

Nicole Kidman’s on the cover of December’s anti-GOOP journal Vanity Fair looking about as human and alive as a Styrofoam wig head with painted-on eyes and lips. Because hearing about how Nicole Kidman spends her days in Tennessee touching up Keith Urban’s highlights as her chirrun pack her face with dry ice so she doesn’t melt IS BORING, Vanity Fair’s contributing editor Sam Kashner asked her what it was like being Tommy Girl’s longest-running beard wife. Nicole said that being married to the world’s most famous crazy alien leprechaun was a lot like living in a bubble. I think she meant that literally, because I’m pretty sure the Scientologists kept her in a plastic bubble so when she ran for the exit she wouldn’t be able to fit through the doorway.

“There is something about that sort of existence that, if you really focus on each other and you’re in that bubble, it’s very intoxicating, because it’s just the two of you. And there is only one other person that’s going through it. So it brings you very close, and it’s deeply romantic. I’m sure Brad and Angelina have that—because there’s nobody else that understands it except that person who’s sleeping right next to you.”

“….or in my case, the person sleeping six rooms down from you because VAGINA.”

The ice-covered Australian mannequin went on to say that she loves living in Tennessee, far, far away from the fuckery of Hollywood, and being there makes her forget that she’s famous. But then again, Nicole Kidman’s memory isn’t so great ever since she refused to negotiate her marriage contract with Tommy and men in alien masks and white lab coats removed the part of her brain that remembers witnessing what goes down in the Scientology bath house.

 “Having experienced extreme fame and now getting to a place where it’s not so dominating in my life, I’m always surprised when I go somewhere and people know who I am.” She explains that when it’s seen through the eyes of her children “it jars me again, because they ask, ‘Why do they want a photo?’ and ‘Why is that person saying hello to you when you don’t know them?’ All of that stuff has to be explained to a five-year-old. So I see it through a different perspective.

There’s an enormous amount you have to give up if you want to have a family. You can have a certain career, but you can’t be living in Hollywood, [where] absolutely everything, everything revolves around it. That wasn’t my choice. I’d rather revolve around somebody else’s career and then still find my own. [I love living in Nashville] because I can kind of have a very odd, idiosyncratic kind of path. I have stepped away from the fame part of it. I didn’t find what I was looking for in fame. So I went, O.K., this is not for me. And it was such a blessing that I found somebody who said, ‘Well, are you willing to move to Tennessee?’ And I was ‘Oh, am I willing to move!’”

And believe it or not,  but an alien-worshipping crazy bitch isn’t going down in history as the great love of Nicole Kidman’s life.

“And you know, with no disrespect to what I had with Tom, I’ve met my great love now. And I really did not know if that was going to happen. I wanted it, but I didn’t want it for a while, because I didn’t want to jump from one relationship to another. I had a lot of time alone, which was really, really good, because I was a child, really, when I got married. And I needed to grow up.”

Keith Urban’s probably sitting there with a twinkly smile on his face, because he thinks that she’s talking about him. But sorry to dim the sparkle in your highlights, Keith. When Nicole Kidman said that she’s met the great love of her life, she lovingly glanced over and winked at the 20 gallon jug of Botox she lugs around just in case the glimmer of a wrinkle shows up on her mug.

Tom Cruise Did Cher Good, So Says Cher

June 28, 2013 / Posted by:

Two years before Tommy Girl married Mimi Rogers and took his first steps in becoming one of Scientology’s highest-ranking bridge empresses, he screwed around with Cher for a minute. Tommy was a fetus-faced 23 year old and Cher was 39 years old with the skin of a couple of fetuses stapled to her face. Even though that was ten million faces ago for Cher, she still remembers it and squirts out a little barley syrup when she thinks of all the times the tips of Tommy’s toes rubbed against her inner thighs as he gave it to her missionary style.

On last night’s Watch What Happens Live (via People), Andy Cohen played a little game of Truth or Cher (I CAN’T!) with Cher and asked her who out of all her lovers (including Schonny Bono, David Geffen, Gregg Allman, Val Kilmer, etc….) was the best lover. Cher let that question marinate on her brain for a second before Andy Cohen asked her about Tommy. The boys in the Scientology bathhouse all screamed and snapped for Tommy when Cher said that he was in her top 5.

I really wish Andy Cohen had Cher on his show on Wednesday night and I really wish I would’ve seen it live. Because watching Cher tell Andy Cohen that Tommy Girl was one of her top 5 lovahs while wearing a Beetlejuice suit and sitting in front of Donny & Marie dolls would’ve been the greatest and gayest way to celebrate the fall of DOMA.

And here’s Cher (looking like the Queen of the Damned’s memaw), Andy Cohen and Susanne Bartsch at the opening night of Q Thursday at Marquee in NYC last night.

Pics: Splash

If Only Suri Cruise Was Really Launching Her Own Fashion Line For Kids

May 10, 2013 / Posted by:

The Sun says that international fashion icon Suri Cruise has signed (or scribbled) a $2.3 million deal to start her own fashion line for children called Suri. Since this is coming from The Sun, then the chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of Tommy Girl twirling out of the Scientology closet and becoming a spokesperson for GLAAD and the head pharmaceutical rep for the makers of Prozac. But I wish this was made of organic truthiness.

The Sun says that Suri’s fashion line will hit New York department stores first and if toddlers with their own credit cards buy it all up, the plan is put the line into department stores across the country. Some source (aka The Sun’s intern who was forced to come into the office on a bank holiday) said, “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes. She has been through a very difficult year and adapted amazingly to her new life in New York, including the upheaval of starting normal school. This is a nice hobby for her, it’s certainly not going to take over her life. Most girls dream of being able to make their own clothes, this just means her drawings will now become a reality. It’ll be interesting to see how it pans out, there’s nothing around quite like it.”

The world really, really does need a Suri Cruise fashion line. Suri has probably stopped trying to help Katie Holmes, because that homely, raggedy thing is a lost cause (see pictures of Katie Holmes looking like a homely, raggedy thing last month), but maybe she can help others be a more fashionable them. There are so many toddlers out there looking a damn mess. You don’t know how many times I see a toddler out there in sweats, t-shirts, sneakers and normal kid clothes that every normal kid should wear and think to myself, “How could they crawl out of the house looking like that?

So we really do need Suri to teach the children of the world how to dress. The Sun’s article is fiction, but hopefully it turns into fact and Suri puts out a line of $500 kitten heels and daddy & me matching skinny jeans (in the same size!).

Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter is down in her studio, drooling out sketches of one-of-a-kind couture gowns for toddlers of the half percent. Making off-the-rack clothes for kids is so GAUCHE!

Tom Cruise’s Precious Ass Cheeks Must Stay Warm At All Times

April 5, 2013 / Posted by:

Thanks to Helen for sending in this picture of the delicate and fragile Scientology blossom Tommy Girl keeping his thetans warm and toasty at the premiere of Oblivion in Dublin on Wednesday.

While the nipples of Tommy’s fans turned into chest icicles from standing in the cold, he kept warm by making one of his mortal slaves follow him around with a portable heater. That dude’s “I thought that when I slipped this important badge around my neck I would be doing important work” face says it all. But you know, dude is doing the most important job. If Tommy freezes his ass off, then he won’t be be the bossy bottom star of every Scientology bathhouse orgy and that’ll make him sad. Or maybe that’s not a portable heater after all. Maybe it’s some sort of Scientology machine that blocks the glibness in the air from touching his body. That’s probably it.

Here’s more of Tommy at the Dublin premiere of Oblivion and also some pictures of him with his co-star Olga Kurylenko at the London premiere. This might be the exact moment when Olga realized that Tommy is batshit insane (she’s a little tardy to the party) or maybe she spotted this beautiful lip-liner worshiper behind him.

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