R.I.P. Chrissy Amphlett

This is not the way I wanted to start my Monday… Chrissy Amphlett, the former lead singer of the Australian rock band Divinyls, died at her home in NYC on Sunday at the young age of 53. Chrissy was diagnosed with MS in 1998 and in 2011, she announced that she was battling breast cancer. Chrissy was working on new music in NYC while getting medical treatments. Chrissy’s husband, former Divinyls drummer Charley Drayton, and her cousin, Australian pop icon Little Pattie, were with her when she died. Chrissy’s family released this statement to the Herald Sun:

“Our beloved Chrissy peacefully made her transition this morning. Christine Joy Amphlett succumbed to the effects of breast cancer and multiple sclerosis, diseases she vigorously fought with exceptional bravery and dignity. She passed gently, in her sleep, surrounded by close friends and family, including husband of fourteen years, musician Charley Drayton, her sister, Leigh, nephew, Matt, and cousin Patricia Thompson.

Chrissy’s light burns so very brightly. Hers was a life of passion and creativity; she always lived it to the fullest. With her force of character and vocal strength she paved the way for strong, sexy, outspoken women. Best remembered as the lead singer of the ARIA Hall of Fame inductee, Divinyls, last month she was named one of Australia’s top ten singers of all time. Chrissy expressed hope that her worldwide hit I Touch Myself would remind women to perform annual breast examinations. Chrissy was a true pioneer and a treasure to all whose lives her music and spirit touched.”

I was 11 or 12 the first time I heard “I Touch Myself.” My drunk tia played it at one of our family gatherings. She blasted it on some wonky boombox, sashayed to the middle of the living room and danced to it as my abuelita muttered “cochina” to herself in the corner. I have Chrissy Amphlett to thank for that beautiful memory.

And here’s my other favorite Divinyls song:

Rest in peace, Chrissy Amphlett.

R.I.P. Jonathan Winters

The Scooby Doo Gang has given Jonathan Winters a ride all the way up to heaven, because he died last night at the age of 87. TMZ says that Jonathan was surrounded by his family when he died of natural causes at his home in Montecito, CA.

Long before American Idol and the acting category on Star Search (remember that shit?), Jonathan entered a talent contest in his hometown of Dayton, Ohio and won. After that, he got a job as a radio personality and that eventually led him to NYC to do stand-up, which led him to many TV appearances where he played all sorts of characters including Maude Frickert. Jonathan was in a million TV shows and movies including It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World, Davis Rules, The Flinstones, The Twilight Zone and The Smurfs movies. Children from the 70s and 80s best know him from Scooby Doo and as Mork & Mindy’s kid, Mearth.

And now Jonathan Winters is destroying gas stations in heaven.

Rest in peace, Mearth.

Tom Cruise Was Surprised When His Contract With Katie Holmes Expired

Getting divorce papers from Katie Holmes nearly knocked the dick out of Tommy Girl’s mouth and he said that he didn’t see it coming. (The divorce papers, not the dick. He ALWAYS sees the dick coming.) During an interview with the German TV network ProSieben (via People), Tommy says that even though he’s a highly-trained Scientology bridge queen with telepathic powers like no other, he had no idea that Katie Holmes was going to file papers to officially quit his crazy ass.

“I did not expect that. [I’ve had] an incredible amount of time to reflect. Life is a challenge. To be 50 and have experiences and think you have everything under control, and then it hits you — that’s what life is … Life is tragicomic. You need a certain sense of humor.”

What sense of humor? I thought bitch’s Thetans ate his sense of humor a long time ago. Tommy could be telling the truth, though. When Tommy’s head isn’t up his own ass, it’s up Xenu’s ass, so it was hard for him to see Katie dry heaving every time she looked at him and repeatedly pointing at the expiration date on their contract every time he looked at her. Tommy is just following one of Scientology’s mottos, “When all else fails, be really fucking oblivious!”

Annette Funicello Has Passed Away

The forever Queen of the Mickey Mouse Club and America’s sweetheart Annette Funicello floated up to heaven today at the age of 70. Extra says that Annette’s children and husband Glenn Holt were with her when she was taken off of life support at a hospital in Bakersfield, CA. Annette’s family said that she had been in a MS coma for years.

Long before Ryan Gosling, Justin Timberlake, Brit Brit and Xtina existed, Mickey Mouse dropped a pair of mouse ears on Annette Funicello’s head when she became one of the first Mouseketeers at the age of 12. After the Mickey Mouse Club, Annette put on a two piece and didn’t take it off for years, because she made musical beach movie after musical beach movie with her main boo Frankie Avalon. In 1992, Annette announced that she had multiple sclerosis, because she wanted to shoot down the rumors that she had a hard time walking due to alcoholism. Annette wrote an autobiography a couple of years later and it was turned into a made-for-TV movie starring Eva La Rue. And Annette was in an episode of Full House. I was going to say that was probably the highlight of Annette’s career, but I don’t think she had a scene with Kimmy Gibler.

Rest in peace, Annette. Let’s all swallow a spoonful of Skippy in honor of Annette.

Roger Ebert Dies At The Age Of 70

Just a couple of days after Roger Ebert announced that his cancer came back and he’s taking a “leave of presence,” The Chicago Sun-Times reports that he passed away at the age of 70. Roger Ebert was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2007 and four years later he lost his ability to talk and eat when doctors removed part of his lower jaw, but that didn’t stop him doing what he loved and he kept reviewing movies almost until the end. Here’s what Roger said a few years ago about death. A dust storm is coming your way, so grab your crying cloth:

“I know it is coming, and I do not fear it, because I believe there is nothing on the other side of death to fear.

I hope to be spared as much pain as possible on the approach path. I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state. What I am grateful for is the gift of intelligence, and for life, love, wonder, and laughter. You can’t say it wasn’t interesting. My lifetime’s memories are what I have brought home from the trip. I will require them for eternity no more than that little souvenir of the Eiffel Tower I brought home from Paris.”

And now he’s in a screening room in heaven, fighting with Gene Siskel. Rest in peace, Roger Ebert.

Buckwild’s Shain Gandee Dead At 21 (UPDATE)

Shain Gandee, one of the cast members on MTV’s redneck version of Jersey Shore called Buckwild, was found dead in a vehicle this morning in Sissonville, West Virginia. Shain and his uncle David Gandee were declared missing yesterday when they didn’t come home from a four-wheeling trip.

WCHS-TV says that Shain and David were last seen at Larry’s Bar in Sissonville at 3 in the morning on Sunday. They told everyone at the bar they were going four-wheeling in Shain’s Ford Bronco, but they didn’t say which area they were going to. Shain and David’s family called 911 and reported them missing after not hearing from them all day Sunday.

The Kanawha County Commissioner Kent Carper said this morning a person riding a four-wheeler drove by a vehicle and noticed three dead bodies in it. Police confirmed that two of the bodies were Shain and his Uncle David. The name of the third person found dead was not released.

Not that he can, but County Commissioner Carper didn’t say what police think they all died from. But I guess it’s not hard to figure out knowing that they all went four-wheeling at 3am after partying at Larry’s Bar. For some reason, this story makes me think about The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia and I can’t believe all of them are still alive (I think).

RIP Shain and Uncle David.

UPDATE: TMZ says that Shain’s Bronco was stuck in a muddy pit and the tailpipe was submerged, so the police believe that all three in the car died from carbon monoxide poisoning.