We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Tom Hiddleston should keep a lighter in his pants pocket at all times. That way whenever anyone brings up that mortifying moment when he traded in his dignity for a little pap fame by wearing that I ♥ T.S. tank top out in public, he can set his pants on fire and say, “Oh look, my pants are on fire. I have to go. Bye.” But during a two day-long interview with GQ’s Taffy Brodesser-Akner, Tom was asked about the most embarrassing clothing item since the skort and he goes on and on and on about it and gets deep. That would’ve been the perfect time for Tom to quote his former employer Taylor Swift by saying, “I would like to be excluded from this narrative.”
After winning the award for Best Performance By An Actor in a Miniseries or Television Film at the Golden Globes on Sunday night, Tom Hiddleston triggered several thousand gag reflexes with his humble-braggy acceptance speech. Tom talked about going to South Sudan with UNICEF and how people from Doctors Without Borders told him they binge watched The Night Manager. Tom patted himself on the back for providing “some relief and entertainment” to them. A lot of people online (and in the GGs audience) weren’t exactly feeling his “Congratulations, me!” speech. TMZ brought up the speech hate to Tom as he was leaving a GG afterparty, and Tom sort of shrugged it off.
But clearly Tom had been thinking about it, and it must have been bothering him. Because yesterday he hopped on Facebook to apologize.
That answers a question I’ve had since the summer. When Tom was frolicking on the beach with Taylor Swift in an I Heart TS tank top, I thought to myself “Isn’t he at all nervous that this much obvious PR whoring might not be good for his career?” He clearly wasn’t! Based on the reason for his apology, it sounds like if he was actually nervous, his tank top would have said I Heart TH instead.
But while many sprained the muscles in their face from cringing over Tom Hiddleston’s self-absorbed acceptance speech, I nearly squirted out a tear over how he and Taylor Swift didn’t make it past the contract renegotiation stage. I learned last night that they are really perfect for each other. They both seem to love a shameless photo-op and they both have a gift for making absolutely everything about them. They really were a match made in ME ME ME HELL.
The tan Tom Hiddleston got this summer from frequent paparazzi flashbulb exposure was just starting to finally fade. It looks like he’s ready to start working his perfect boyfriend game for the cameras again. On Sunday afternoon, Tom was seen walking around North London with a young blonde. Oh boy, I can already hear MC Taylor Swift working out the hook for a track called 2 Many Blondez.
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) November 14, 2016
It didn’t take Tumblr long to identify Tom’s new blonde as a UNICEF worker named Louise O’Shea. According to Twitter, Louise is Canadian. I can’t wait to see the “exclusive” pictures of Tom and Louise wearing head to toe Hudson Bay gear and sharing a butter tart while riding a caribou through the snow. Tom is a UNICEF ambassador, so they must have met at a work thing.
The Daily Mail says that Tom and Louise were later joined by a second UNICEF person on their walk. So it looks like they were probably just doing some UNICEF stuff together. But I’m sure that hasn’t stopped the internet – myself included – from speculating on what’s going on between Tom and Louise. After all, Tom is thirstier than the people UNICEF builds wells for. The second he spotted a paparazzo, he immediately went into bashful boyfriend mode. Which probably made things really confusing for Louise if there’s nothing going on between the two of them. “Tom? Is everything ok? Why are you suddenly walking with your eyes closed and smiling like a goof? I better call 999, I think you might be having a stroke.”
The two main clit-tinglers of Tumblr got together for a conversation for Interview magazine, and they pretty much stayed away from talking about personal crap. Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston licking each other’s crumpet holes while talking about the business of movie making is even less thrilling and riveting than an interview between wet paint and the wall it’s drying on. You probably didn’t read any of that since it’s kind of hard to read while you’re squinting from laughing so hard at Tom trying to serve up “Patrick Bateman’s serial-killing protégé” sinisterness in that picture above. Oh, Tommy, stop playing. Those photo-ops with Taylor Swift are scarier and more sinister than this shit.