The tan Tom Hiddleston got this summer from frequent paparazzi flashbulb exposure was just starting to finally fade. It looks like he’s ready to start working his perfect boyfriend game for the cameras again. On Sunday afternoon, Tom was seen walking around North London with a young blonde. Oh boy, I can already hear MC Taylor Swift working out the hook for a track called 2 Many Blondez.
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) November 14, 2016
It didn’t take Tumblr long to identify Tom’s new blonde as a UNICEF worker named Louise O’Shea. According to Twitter, Louise is Canadian. I can’t wait to see the “exclusive” pictures of Tom and Louise wearing head to toe Hudson Bay gear and sharing a butter tart while riding a caribou through the snow. Tom is a UNICEF ambassador, so they must have met at a work thing.
The Daily Mail says that Tom and Louise were later joined by a second UNICEF person on their walk. So it looks like they were probably just doing some UNICEF stuff together. But I’m sure that hasn’t stopped the internet – myself included – from speculating on what’s going on between Tom and Louise. After all, Tom is thirstier than the people UNICEF builds wells for. The second he spotted a paparazzo, he immediately went into bashful boyfriend mode. Which probably made things really confusing for Louise if there’s nothing going on between the two of them. “Tom? Is everything ok? Why are you suddenly walking with your eyes closed and smiling like a goof? I better call 999, I think you might be having a stroke.”
The two main clit-tinglers of Tumblr got together for a conversation for Interview magazine, and they pretty much stayed away from talking about personal crap. Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston licking each other’s crumpet holes while talking about the business of movie making is even less thrilling and riveting than an interview between wet paint and the wall it’s drying on. You probably didn’t read any of that since it’s kind of hard to read while you’re squinting from laughing so hard at Tom trying to serve up “Patrick Bateman’s serial-killing protégé” sinisterness in that picture above. Oh, Tommy, stop playing. Those photo-ops with Taylor Swift are scarier and more sinister than this shit.
Tom Hiddleston may have almost collapsed his lungs when he breathed out a cyclone of relief after his contract with Taylor Swift expired, but well, he once again found himself getting upstaged in a picture by a blond bitch. Tom knows it too. If that isn’t a “Fuck me, this again” face, I don’t know what is.
Tom Hiddleston lost the Best Actor in a Limited Series Emmy to Courtney B. Vance last night, but he probably doesn’t care, because he may have won a new partner in PR foolery who will hit the pap stroll with him and make us all forget about the level 10 embarrassing shit he did with his last partner in PR foolery. We will never forget, Tom!
That random umbrella-holding hand has a better chance of getting thanked in Tom Hiddleston’s Emmy acceptance speech, which he will absolutely be giving, than Taylor Swift does. Actually, if Tom really wants to stick it to Taylor, he would make a special point of thanking umbrella hand. “…and lastly, I can’t forget to mention my paparazzi posing partner – umbrella hand, this one’s for you! We did it buddy!”
Six seconds after Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston decided not to renew their short-term contract, I mean, breakup, both of their PR teams stopped playing nice and prepared for battle. They took off their earrings, pulled their hair back and stretched the finger they’d need to call UsWeekly, TMZ, Life & Style, The Sun, The Daily Mail and all the other tabloid tricks out there. Taylor and Tom’s PR teams probably went from texting each other heart-shaped emojis while planning their clients’ next photo-op location to shanking at each other through the tabloids. It’s war!