The Daily Mail has thrilling pictures of the diabolical piece of julienned jicama Taylor Swift smiling while walking with Tom Hiddleston in Los Angeles yesterday. Yes, the people of the Gold Coast in Australia can once again leave their homes without a bottle of Pepto on them, because now that Tom and Taylor are gone, they won’t get hit with the heaves while watching those two display their love in a photo-op.
Tom has finished up filming his scenes for Thor 3 in Australia, so he and Taylor are back in California, where they’ll probably spend the next few weeks with a choreographer and a body language expert who will coach them on how to look so naturally in love while posing on the red carpet at the Emmys in September. A source tells E! News that Tom and Tay are still very much together and the entire scandal of her getting exposed as a liar by Kim Kartrashian, of all tricks, didn’t dim the love he has in his heart for her.
Taylor is still painting a thick layer of victim all over herself and thinks that Kimye are just using her for publicity (well, yeah, but pot…kettle). She has vowed to never speak to Kanye again! And Tom has vowed to stand by Taylor forever! A source read from the script that Taylor’s publicist gave them, I mean, spilled out these spontaneous words to E!:
“Tom is not annoyed by the negative media attached to Taylor. He knew that would come with the course of dating her. He has been supporting her and enjoying the time he’s having with her. They’re having a great time and are always laughing.
Taylor and Tom are in love with each other. He told her she is the kind of woman he wants to spend his life with. They have gotten very close. She is enjoying the time off from working. She has been writing during her travels, and Tom has been an inspiration in her music.”
What I’m getting from that statement is that if there is a relationship contract, that shit is no joke and the out clause portion of it probably reads:
ONLY DEATH! BLEHEHEHEHEHEHEE!
In that picture, Tom Hiddleston is probably silently screaming, “heeeeeeeeeeelp,” into the camera, but let’s just pretend he’s doing the, “Bitch, stop pulling my dick,” squint so you don’t have to. Thanks, Tom!
Ever since Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston’s love grew amongst the algae on the beach rocks in Rhode Island, some figured that their union has as much real weight as the relationship contract they signed and others thought that maybe she’s doing some kind of performance art/video thing. But Tom Hiddleston says that all of us doubting bitches need to delete our Tumblrs that are covered with timelines and pictures proving this shit is fake, because it’s not a publicity stunt. The Hollywood Reporter talked to Tom by phone from Australia, where he’s shooting Thor 3, to congratulate his ass for getting an Emmy nomination this morning. While they had him on the phone, they slipped him a question about Taylor:
Do you know who you’re going to take with you to the Emmys?
I don’t. I didn’t even know I could. It’s 4 in the morning here! (Laughs.)
You’re in the middle of a cultural frenzy right now dating Taylor Swift. How would you respond to people who claim that you’re involved in some sort of publicity stunt?
(Laughs.) Well, um. How best to put this? That notion is — look, the truth is that Taylor Swift and I are together, and we’re very happy. Thanks for asking. That’s the truth. It’s not a publicity stunt.
Like he’s going to admit that shit is fake. “I’d tell those people that they’re right. They caught us!”
I do love that he called Taylor Swift by her first and last name. It’s like he’s reading off of a script and if that’s the case, I really wish he would’ve messed up by saying:
“The truth is that Taylor Swift and I are together, and now Tom say this part like you mean it and don’t cry about how you can’t believe what you got yourself into like you did the last time- Bollocks, I read the instructions!”
And here’s Taylor Swift (or as Tom Hiddleston calls her, “Taylor Swift”) going shopping in the Gold Coast yesterday.
When we last left the drama going down in the quad at Famous Millionaire High, Calvin Harris sharted up a whine stream on Twitter after the story came out that Taylor Swift wrote the lyrics to “This Is What You Came For.” Taylor’s people also let us know through TMZ that she came up with the melody too, thankyouverymuch.
In his Twitter dragging of Taylor, Calvin mentioned how he’s not going to let her bury him the way that she tried to bury Katy Perry. Katy Perry piped in on Twitter. You know, Calvin Harris is too old for this. Taylor Swift is too old for this. Katy Perry is too old for this. And we’re all too old for this, but who cares! I’m still eating up the stupid drama as if it was smeared all over Prince Hot Ginge’s peen.
In that picture, Tom Hiddleston isn’t internally screaming so hard that his eyeballs are about to pop out of their sockets. No. Tom Hiddleston is trying to contain his boiling-over happiness while picturing Taylor Swift and himself pushing their baby daughter, Primm Rose (PR for short), in an old-timey baby buggy in front of the paps.
Taylor is currently with Tom in Australia as he films Thor 3, and if you believe E! News, then she might be spending her days meticulously planning her pregnancy announcement with her PR team. (They’re deciding between changing the lyrics to her song “Shake It Off” to “Puke It Off” and re-releasing it as a baby announcement song, or hiding a ToTay baby Pokemon in Pokemon Go.) Even though Taylor and Tom
signed their contract 3 minutes ago have been a thing for only 3 minutes, her squad has already pointed at them while singing, “Taylor and Tom sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!” I am 100% sure she made her squad do that.
Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston’s promotional tour (for their relationship?) has joyfully skipped on down to Australia’s Gold Coast. Here they are out last night for a “romantic” dinner. Pippi Yawnstocking and the increasingly douchey Hiddleston are still “meh” verging on to “please have a seat”, but I’m feeling their bodyguard. He looks like an aging and angry former frat brah, and I like that in a single serving.
No completely natural candid pics of the two in Australia that somehow resemble a full-on Tommy Hilfiger ad campaign have surfaced as of yet, but give Tay Tay time to locate a fashion photographer who can be discreet.
What’s more interesting (as much as a post about these two can be interesting) is the video below. An Australian TV reporter tries to talk up Tommy as he goes for a run, but he’s obviously been directed to only communicate in Instagram and pap snaps when it comes to Swifty. Cuz’ he ain’t saying shit about her. He probably signed something in blood, and had to surrender a testicle for collateral.
Keep watching for the sad children “staked out” outside their hotel. They’re supposedly waiting for a glimpse of Tay Tay. They’re even dancing Taylor’s old routines to somehow convince her to grace them with her gingham-dressed presence. PLEASE. These theater brats are so on the payroll. The only child I believe is the one whose mom drove her three hours to meet Hiddleston and burst into sobs at the opportunity to put her face in his sweaty armpit. That’s something she can take back to Tumblr.
Tom Hiddleston being interviewed in the Gold Coast and was asked about Taylor Swift. His answers: “I don’t know”. pic.twitter.com/l3vBPXv9Hf
— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) July 10, 2016
Check out Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston arriving and leaving a restaurant in Australia below.
Yesterday it was being reported that Calvin Harris had pulled out his emotions journal and written a song slapping back at Taylor Swift for maybe-cheating on him with Tom Hiddleston. I guess Calvin Harris really wanted to be the Taylor Swift of this bland love triangle. Calvin released said song, “Olé“, earlier today on iTunes (which you can listen to here). As it turns out, it might not be the epic clap-back people thought it was.
A Taylor Swift source, which may or may not be one of Taylor Swift’s cats doing some damage control for their human while she’s off living that photo op life, tells UsWeekly that there’s no way it’s about Tom Hiddleston. Originally the rumor was that “Olé” was sung from Tom’s perspective. But the source says that’s just an assumption, and that people are only doing that to “get attention for a song.” Getting attention for a song by letting people assume it’s about someone specific? Taylor would know nothing about that.
However, this might not be a case of Taylor sticking her fingers in her ears and going “Lalalala that song isn’t about me.” A source from Calvin’s side confirms that “Olé” was recorded by John Newman months ago. Okay, but how many months? Two months?
If “Olé” didn’t open with the words “Low-key“, maybe it might not have been so obvious. Without that maybe-reference to Loki, it’s pretty much just a song about some girl who is sneaking around on her boyfriend. So maybe it isn’t actually about Taylor Swift? I guess we’ll just have to wait for the music video. “Sources” can deny it’s about Taylor and Tom all they want. But if that music video features two people in matching navy jackets posing hard for the cameras, then Calvin is so busted.
Speaking of matching, here’s Land’s End Barbie and Ken arriving in Gold Coast, Australia today. They’re supposedly there so Tom can start filming Thor: Ragnarok. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they’re “caught” doing something totally subtle, like riding hand-in-hand down the beach on the back of a kangaroo or something.
Another day, another story about the perfectly organic and natural love between Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. These two are touring harder than an aging rock band who’ve have realized they still have mortgages to pay. The latest stop on their world tour is LA. And of course they showed up in matching outfits.
Hot off the heels of their super-cool heavily-staged 4th of July party, UsWeekly tells us that Tay and Tom touched down at LAX yesterday in really subtle, non-couple looks. Wait, no. The opposite. Tom was in his trademark blue jacket and Tay was in a perfectly matching navy sweater and navy check skirt. Looks like girl is pushing him hard to work that Americana look. Tay, seeing as you went to England to meet his mom, I’m pretty sure you’re aware he isn’t American. You had your chance with a Kennedy and ya blew it. Tom is never gonna be JFK Jr, ok?
Adding more fuel to the TayTom fire is that Calvin Harris is back. And he’s maybe calling out Tay for being a ho through song. How very Taylor Swift of you, Calvin Harris.
“Aren’t friends the coolest?! Friends are so fun. You can braid each other’s hair. Make friendship bracelets. Play Dream Phone when mom is busy making snacks! It’s just endless when you have friends! Especially friends who are tall and thin and pretty and have millions of Instagram followers. And it’s always great to have quiet, intimate, just between us girls time away from the public eye. Have you got friends? I definitely do!” – Taylor Swift.
As you probably already know, thanks to Tom Hiddleson’s totally unintentional attention-grabbing wet t-shirt stunt, Taylor Swift had a huge, mega fun kind of 4th of July. Guests included Blake Lively, Karlie Kloss, Cara Delevigne, Ruby Rose, Uzo Aduba, Gigi Hadid, and Ryan Reynolds. Sorry if the rest of this post turns into random letters, my eyes are stuck in roll and my eyelids are malfunctioning.
E! News says that besides wanting to spend time with a small fraction of her 5,978 BFFs, Taylor also wanted them to meet Tom and see what they think. You’ll be shocked to learn that all her friends love him and probably made him feel super comfortable when they started talking about the wedding while shaking his hand. E!’s source said this:
Tom has met all of Taylor’s best friends at this point in their relationship. They all really like Tom and like how he treats Taylor. Things are moving fast between them but none of her friends are worried because they never have seen her this happy. Both feel that their connection is rare.
Totally awesome friends? Check! Hottie boyfriend that is ssssssoooooo much better than the last one that all her totally awesome friends love? Check! New tits? Maybe. Girlfriend is really living the life. Now if only any aspect of it smelled authentic…
Here’s Tay and the girls just having spontaneous, non-staged Delia’s Catalogue fun in the name of patriotism:
As Americans celebrate America’s independence by filling our stomach bags with the sweet nectar and charred hot dogs, the Hiddlestoners are in a fetal position, silently crying to themselves as they wish for the day when they’ll be able to celebrate Tom Hiddleston’s independence from ToTay!
In one of my million posts about this mess, I joked that soon Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift would be wearing matching “T Heart T” t-shirts during one of their pap strolls. And well, that joke became a tragic reality yesterday when Tom wore an “I Heart TS” tank top and a T heart fake arm tattoo during his and Tay Tay’s canoodle show for the paps on the beach in front of her mansion in Rhode Island. Just when you think Tom has reached the peak of “Bitch, what are you doing?” he finds a way to top himself. And the thought of Tom topping himself sounds hot, but not in this case.
Every year, the running of the attention whores hits a beach in Rhode Island when Taylor hosts her annual Fourth of July weekend party. Taylor’s closest friends (read: the ones with the most Twitter followers) all splashed around in the water on the beach yesterday. It was a mishmash of randoms including Gigi Hadid, Karlie Kloss, a knocked up Blake NotSoLively, Ryan Reynolds, Ruby Rose, Cara Delawhatever, Uzo Aduba and Martha Hunt.
Just Jared has a few pictures of everyone posing for those Instagram likes, but here’s a few.
Taylor, Tom, Ruby and Gigi in Rhode Island today pic.twitter.com/g9eDU89iSj
— Taylor Swift News (@TSwiftNZ) July 4, 2016
You may be shaking your head too much to notice, but Taylor’s (alleged) silicone titty balls are standing all the way up in that elegant bikini, which is something that a lot lizard would wear while drunkenly dancing to a Skynyrd song in the back of an El Camino at a block party in 1984. In other words, I love it.
And Tom is either PR-matized (he is) or he’s into some hardcore BDSM shit, because wearing an “I Heart TS” tank in public when you’re a grown man is the ultimate act of humiliation. If it was in my contract to wear that mess out in public, I’d lie to everyone and say that I’m only wearing it because I’m a huge T.S. Eliot fanboy.
Slow clap for Tumblr lovegod Tom Hiddleston if his next move is dropping a chart-topping EDM single under the name DJ LOKI called “Tay Tay is My Bae Bae (“Calvin Harris Is A Bitch Ass” Remix). The Sun reports (via Page Six) that Loki is currently being considered to replace the currently bereaved Calvin Harris as the body, butt, and bulge of Emporio Armani’s underwear campaign.
In DJ Buff Yet Bland’s defense, he did take leave of Armani on his own to work on a fashion line.
Who am I kidding? This isn’t Loki’s doing, it’s Taylor Swift’s! It’s all grist for the songwriting mill, and the more trauma she causes him, the better. She’s somewhere below Oprah on the Celebrity Omnipotence Chart (Pippi Yawnstocking took on Apple and won). She can probably have people killed at this point. Behind that nondescript “who me?” slumber party princess image is a calculating conniver of epic proportions. She’s basically a blonde Sith Lord.
Check out some more life-changing pics of Tom and Swifty strolling the beach in Suffolk below, as well as some billboards of Calvin from his old modeling gig.