The two main clit-tinglers of Tumblr got together for a conversation for Interview magazine, and they pretty much stayed away from talking about personal crap. Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston licking each other’s crumpet holes while talking about the business of movie making is even less thrilling and riveting than an interview between wet paint and the wall it’s drying on. You probably didn’t read any of that since it’s kind of hard to read while you’re squinting from laughing so hard at Tom trying to serve up “Patrick Bateman’s serial-killing protégé” sinisterness in that picture above. Oh, Tommy, stop playing. Those photo-ops with Taylor Swift are scarier and more sinister than this shit.
Tom Hiddleston may have almost collapsed his lungs when he breathed out a cyclone of relief after his contract with Taylor Swift expired, but well, he once again found himself getting upstaged in a picture by a blond bitch. Tom knows it too. If that isn’t a “Fuck me, this again” face, I don’t know what is.
Tom Hiddleston lost the Best Actor in a Limited Series Emmy to Courtney B. Vance last night, but he probably doesn’t care, because he may have won a new partner in PR foolery who will hit the pap stroll with him and make us all forget about the level 10 embarrassing shit he did with his last partner in PR foolery. We will never forget, Tom!
That random umbrella-holding hand has a better chance of getting thanked in Tom Hiddleston’s Emmy acceptance speech, which he will absolutely be giving, than Taylor Swift does. Actually, if Tom really wants to stick it to Taylor, he would make a special point of thanking umbrella hand. “…and lastly, I can’t forget to mention my paparazzi posing partner – umbrella hand, this one’s for you! We did it buddy!”
Six seconds after Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston decided not to renew their short-term contract, I mean, breakup, both of their PR teams stopped playing nice and prepared for battle. They took off their earrings, pulled their hair back and stretched the finger they’d need to call UsWeekly, TMZ, Life & Style, The Sun, The Daily Mail and all the other tabloid tricks out there. Taylor and Tom’s PR teams probably went from texting each other heart-shaped emojis while planning their clients’ next photo-op location to shanking at each other through the tabloids. It’s war!
The publicist of every famous and single white dude out there is pissed today. They were planning to ease into the work week after the long holiday, but now they can’t since they’ll have to spend all day sending head shots of their clients to Taylor Swift’s PR team, because she’ll need a new photo-op partner now that she and Tom Hiddleston are over! As the cherubs prepare to fly themselves into the sun since the meaning of “genuine love” is forever dead, we need to prepare our eye-rolling muscles since a new album is probably coming soon. I, for one, can’t wait for the track titled “This Our Swan (Pastry) Song.”