Back in May, lips started whispering that the sister holding the Olsen twins’ spare set of kidneys, Elizabeth Olsen, and Tom Hiddleston were informally rubbing sticks and stones together after she called it quits with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook. Well, according to the The National Enquirer (via Hollywood Gossip), it was all just lies to distract you from the truth: that she’s actually doing fellow Avenger Chris Evans. And just like that, every Hiddlestan dropped their pitchforks and slowly backed away from Elizabeth Olsen’s house.
A source says that Scarlet Witch and Captain America have been getting their secret hump on during the filming of Captain America: Civil War in Atlanta, but want to keep it on the down-low because Chris Evans doesn’t want to be seen as a skirt-chasing pussy hound.
“Chris is paranoid about his womanizing becoming public while he’s on this multi-picture deal with Marvel. He’s protecting his image, and will bend over backwards to keep things quiet.”
I don’t know why Elizabeth and Chris had to concoct such an elaborate scheme to cover their fucking tracks and drag Tom Hiddleston into this mess. If anyone cornered Elizabeth at the craft services table and asked her if she’s banging Captain America, all she had to do is pull an Ariana Grande and claim he’s just a “friend with a penis.” Then again, this news is from the Enquirer, which means there’s a 99.9999% chance it’s a pile of lies. Maybe this lie is also a lie meant to distract us from the REAL truth: that Chris Evans is secretly banging Betty White. I knew it! Get it, Golden Girl.
That sound you just heard was a million Hiddle-stans flooding their basements. That second sound you just heard was those same Hiddle-stans struggling to walk to the linen closet to grab a towel and falling down half-way when their legs gave out from under them.
Tom Hiddleston gave an interview to Collider during the filming of Guillermo Del Toro’s upcoming old-timey horror movie Crimson Peak, and he admitted that it’s going to be much sexier than you’d imagine an old-timey horror movie would be. Crimson Peak is set in the 19th Century and is about a bunch of old money “I do say” types, but Tom wants you to know it’s not going to be Wuthering Heights with a couple ghosts.
“There is kink. It begins with romance and progresses to kink, but I’m not gonna…It’s really kinky, you’ll see why. You know, there is a sexuality in the film which is expressed and you think you know what it is and then you realize you’re only scratching the surface. So… [Laughs] I really can’t reveal more than that.”
Now I can’t help but wonder if “Crimson Peak” is an old-timey euphemism for something super nasty. “I do say…it appears that harlot gave me the crimson peak. Jeeves, fetch the ointment.”
For those of you hearing all this kink talk and wondering if Tom Hiddleston is starring in some 50 Shades of Count Dracula’s Dick pseudo-porn, I have bad news. This is the first trailer for Crimson Peak, and I didn’t have to reach for the smelling salts once.
That’s not kinky! Where’s the hallway that leads to a room full of antique sex swings? Where’s the part about the elevator coming alive at night and putting on free sex shows with the iron gates? Where’s the ghost named Lady Fuckerly who keeps stealing all the eggplants from the pantry? Hiddleston, you dirty liar!
The walls of Tumblr are barely standing and are covered in cracks from Benjidog Cummerbund getting married and hatching eggs into that Sophie Hunter trick and this news is probably going to make them completely crumble into a million pieces. My thoughts and prayers are with the N and O keys on the keyboard of every Hiddlestoner’s computer, because they’re probably using the shit out of those kyes while typing NOOOONONONONONONONONONO over and over again.
UsWeekly says that the beloved prince of Tumblr Tom Hiddleston is casually wet humping on the third Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. Tom and Elizabeth didn’t work together on the Avengers. (He shot a scene, but it got cut.) Some source says that they got really close while shooting the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light together. Elizabeth Olsen just broke up with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook in January, so she and Loki are just fuck buddies for now.
“They have been hooking up,” the insider tells Us of the longtime friends.
“It’s casual,” the insider says, adding that the two won’t be rushing into titles anytime soon, but they do make sure to “text when they’re apart.” And the timing for Hiddleston, 34, couldn’t be more perfect, considering Olsen, 26, called off her engagement to Boyd Holbrook this past January.
“She wants to make a new life for herself,” the source says. “She’s having fun.”
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have probably already pulled out the cauldron and are now chewing off frog legs, yanking out the nails of a black chicken and preparing the blood of a first born newborn, because they know they’re going to need to conjure up a serious dark magic spell to protect their sister from Loki’s fans. His fans will rage knowing that when Elizabeth Olsen looks down after he nibbles on her chocha, she gets to see that smiling face staring back at her. (And depending how sweaty he is, she might be able to get to see her reflection in his glorious forehead.) Or maybe his fans aren’t raging, because they’re holding it all in as they rock back and forth while they tell themselves, “Oh, it’s just PR, it’s just PR, it’s just PR.” I feel them. I do that every time Prince Hot Ginge hooks up with another dishwater blonde.
I now interrupt our regularly scheduled fuckery to bring you this video of Tumblr’s Co-Prince Tom Hiddleston making your mistletoe quiver by singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” with country musician Rodney Crowell. Tom is working with Rodney on the soundtrack to the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light and he took a break from working to spread some holiday cheer while the Hiddlestoners fill their panties with fresh eggnog.
Tom added another layer of AWWW to this video by singing that song while an adorable dog friend name Mono sat on his lap.
Something’s going on with Mono. He’s going through something. Either he’s a secret Cumberbitch and wants nothing to do with the scene going on here. Or sitting on Tom Hiddleston’s lap has caused him to be pregnant and he’s fighting morning sickness.
A million crazy fanboys and girls are like “I would do anythang to be that monkey.” Are they called Hiddle-stans? They should be.
According to Deadline, hunky British imp Tom Hiddleston has been cast as the star of the upcoming King King reboot/remake/prequel/sequel/whatever the hell they’re calling it Skull Island. I’m sure you’re thinking “Didn’t I just watch a King Kong reboot?“, and yes, you did. In case your brain has permanently erased the last King Kong reboot from your memory (I don’t blame it, that shit was looooooong), King Kong happened in 2005, was directed by Peter Jackson, starred the hot busted-nosed pimp Adrien Brody, and it took place on both Skull Island (King Kong’s home base) and Asshole Island (aka Manhattan). But this King Kong remake will be totally different, I promise! Skull Island takes place ONLY on Skull Island. See? TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
Also it’s being directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts, who sort of looks like the skinny hipster version of Peter Jackson, and stars the Internet’s side-piece Tom Hiddleston. Again, this is a very different movie, because Adrien’s nose looks like it’s been broken 4,287 times, and Tom’s nose looks like it’s only been broken once.
Skull Island comes out on November 4th 2016 – yes, MORE THAN TWO YEARS FROM NOW. I guess they want to get the Hiddle-stans all fired up long before then. Not cool, guys! You know how King Kong goes totally mental when they take him from Skull Island to New York? That will be the internet sometime around December 2015! You can’t make the Hiddle-stans wait so long! For the sake of the producers, I hope another Avengers movie comes out between now and Skull Island, otherwise the Hiddle-stans will form a rat-king and climb to the top of the Empire State Building clutching Jordan Vogt-Roberts and demanding he work faster, goddamn it! The Hiddle-stans don’t play.
The Wheatland Music Festival in Remus, Michigan turned into the Beathand Poonsick Festival after Tom Hiddleston made a surprise appearance and everyone immediately dropped whatever they were holding in their hands and started beating off peens and poons (whichever was closest), and all the peens and poons got sick from too much hand-beating. I’m not even sure I know what that means, but basically Tom Hiddleston’s appearance at the Wheatland Music Festival on Saturday probably caused The Fappening 2, because that’s what Tom Hiddleston does.
But he did have a reason for being there besides creating a tsunami of panty pudding. Tom has been practicing his croonin’ in preparation to play county legend Hank Williams in the biopic “I Saw The Light“, so the Wheatland Music Festival was as good a time as any to give everyone a little preview of what to expect. I was skeptical when it was announced that British-born Loki was going to play Hank Williams, and I honestly expecting some Great Balls of Fire-levels of biopic messiness, but his cover of “Move It On Over” is actually pretty good. You can compare it to the original here, and if you really want to feel dizzy, try listening to them at the same time.
Of course, it could still happen. Like Forrest Gump’s mama said: “Biopics are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” You could either get a milk chocolate caramel (Behind the Candelabra, The Anna Nicole Smith Story) or a stale orange cream (Liz & Dick). But chances are, “I Saw The Light” will be a caramel, if only because it’s illegal to say anything bad about Tom Hiddleston. Even if he throws it on purpose, a la The Producers, reviews will still be like “Tom Hiddleston very sexy as Hank Williams – 5 STARS .”
On a list of “Movies That Hollywood Should Remake,” Milo & Otis should be somewhere at the top (because I really want to see a remake starring Teddy Bear and Tara the Hero Cat, but not Grumpy Cat, because that ho needs a break) and hovering at the bottom above Showgirls (the day Hollywood remakes Showgirls is the day all the Gods need to gather together to bitch slap Hollywood into the Pacific Ocean) should be Ben-Hur. But because Hollywood gets off on remaking shit that nobody asked to be remade, they’re remaking Ben-Hur. Expect it to be filled with 1000% more explosions and 2000% more CGI. The theme song will be a Roman Empire remix of Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” called “Hot In Hurrr.”
Last year, it was reported that MGM was talking about a remake of Ben-Hur, but I guess those “talks” turned into something more, because they’ve put it on the release schedule for 2016. Deadline says that MGM, Paramount and producer/director Timur Bekmambetov (he directed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Wanted) will fart out the new Ben-Hur on February 26, 2016. Timur is planning to direct. John Ridley, who wrote 12 Years A Slave, wrote the latest draft and Survivor’s head bitch Mark Burnett and the angel that has touched us all Roma Downey have joined the project as producers. Right now, they’re looking for their Ben-Hur and Tumblr’s #1 coochie cream- inducer Tom Hiddleston is their first choice. FINALLY! A historically accurate choice, because we all know that ancient Jews were as white as white can be and spoke with British accents. Deadline thinks that Tom is the perfect choice:
Hiddleston seems an ideal choice. Long thought of as a classical actor in parlor dramas, he remade himself as a global action star thanks to his work as the charismatic anti-hero Loki in the Thor and The Avengers films. Stay tuned.
I see what those evil whores in Hollywood are doing. They know that all of his crazed fangirls will bankrupt themselves to see their God command a chariot while sweaty, dirty and baring his nipples in a flimsy toga. KY Jelly does not want this to happen, because if it did, thousands of pussies will never be parched again. If MGM executives really want to fill their pools with $100 bills, they should make Ben-Hur’s gay love story blatantly obvious and cast Bendadick Cumsinbatches as Messala. Bendadick Cumsinbatches gently stroking Tom Hiddleston’s dirty, sweaty cheek would be the Fall of Tumblr.
In “Those Brits keeps stealing American jobs” news, the one man (besides Bendadick Cumsinbatches) who could bring down the Empire of Tumblr if he posted a dick pic on there has signed on to play country legend Hank Williams in a biopic called “I Saw The Light.” It’s a perfect title since that’s what every Hiddlestoner softly says to themselves when they see a picture of Tom Hiddleston smiling and are ready to give their body to the lord as a thank you for creating humanity’s greatest gift.
Deadline says that director, writer and producer Marc Abraham wrote the script based on the Hank Williams biography by Colin Escott and he will also direct. “I Saw The Light” starts shooting in Louisiana this October. Tom will do all of his own singing and will yodel out Hank’s songs including “Hey Good Lookin’,” Honky Tonk Blues,” “Your Cheatin’ Heart” and my personal favorite song to give afternoon lap dances to, “My Bucket’s Got A Hole In It.” “I Saw The Light” will show Hank’s rise to fame as a country star before dying at the age of 29.
Tom confirmed the news on Twatter yesterday:
I Saw The Light. pic.twitter.com/LBSiP5tBVb
— Tom Hiddleston (@twhiddleston) June 13, 2014
If I was a producer on that shit, I’d take a few artistic liberties to make sure it makes at least $1 trillion its opening weekend. I’d give “Hank Williams” a severe case of stage fright and every time he performed in front of an audience, he got the crotch sweats bad and it became a problem. The only way he could perform is by wearing crotch-less and ass-less chaps so his down low parts could breathe. I’d also give “Hank Williams” a major blanket phobia and to keep warm he had to cuddle with a pile of puppies. Where’s my producer credit? Where’s my studio parking lot space?
And if you want to hear Tom Hiddleston say “tits” and “nipples” in a Southern accent, here’s Tom Hiddleston saying “tits” and “nipples” in a Southern accent. It’s very Matthew McConaughey Lite.
Pic: Tumblr/Jason Hetherington
Before Chris Hemsworth got to swing around his rock hard hammer as Thor, every single white dude with a SAG card auditioned for that role including Tumblr’s second husband Tom Hiddleston. On the Thor: The Dark World DVD, which comes out next month, the bonuses include Tom’s Thor audition and CBM posted two GIFs from it. This is the reason why Tumblr’s clit hasn’t stopped shaking since this morning. The GIFs are after the cut and if you haven’t seen them already, prepare your eyes, loins, no-no and soul for Tom’s golden Jesus locks and his “Raise Your Hammer If You’re Sure” moves.
When I saw this at Jezebel, I figured it was a video of Tumblr’s sweethearts Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston partaking in a live dance-off against each other in the back alley of a club somewhere and I wondered why the Internet was still standing and didn’t crumble into a million pieces and float away on a sea of panty pudding? But YouTuber and Benedict’s imaginary Lucy Cumberbatch put together clips of Bendydick Cumsinbatches and Tom Hiddleston serving up dorky move after dorky move to that “Sexy and I Know It” song. Just when I was beginning to think that my ears were finally safe from LMFAO, they’re scraping the skin off of my ear tunnels yet again. Anyway…
In one corner, we’ve got Bendydick who dances like an ADD-inflicted velociraptor trying to do an impersonation of a komodo dragon on speed while choking on a piece of raw caveman meat. In the other corner, we’ve got Hiddleston who dances like Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels or like the cool teacher at high school dance circa 1999.
So who won the battle? Neither of them! We’re the true winners here, because we get to nibble on Christmas crunch popcorn while watching the Cumberbitches and the Hiddlestoners scrap over which one of their British sex gods is the best dancer as their ovaries combust.