Somewhere in an underground bunker, the lead Hiddlestoner just hit the emergency alert button and triggered all the other Hiddlestoners to collapse onto their favorite Loki fleece snuggle blanket in a horny ball of bliss while screaming “I STILL HAVE A CHANCE!!!!”
Eleven months ago, Tom Hiddleston was rumored to be working his blue-eyed British dreamboat game on Elizabeth Olsen. It was a mysterious maybe-relationship filled with denials and decoys and clandestine taxi rides. Six months later, word started going around that Elizabeth Olsen was far too busy to be doing Tom on the regular, and dumped him. But of course, since Tom and Elizabeth were ~so secret~ and sneaky with their relationship, there was a chance the breakup was just a lie meant to throw the Hiddlestans off the scent. Well, New York magazine decided to get to the bottom of it.
Once New York got all their questions about I Saw the Light and The Night Manager (aka the miniseries where you see his ass) and High-Rise (aka the movie where he gets naked on a patio lounger) out of the way, they asked him about his relationship with the third Olsen sister. Not surprisingly, Tom played a little coy.
“Some things have to remain sacred. You could write that I’m single. There’s no ring on this finger.”
Single? No ring on it? How very Beyonce of you Tom. Actually, no – scratch that. I don’t want to get sued. Really though, I love how indirect Tom is. He could teach a class at the Lionel Hutz School of “The Truth“. Is he still boning Elizabeth Olsen? Maybe, maybe not. You could write that he is. You could also write that he’s single. Tom Hiddleston is that teacher who replies “I don’t know, can you?” when you’d ask if you could go to the bathroom.
Here’s more of Tumblr’s maybe-single favorite boy at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of High-Rise last night. Also included is Sienna Miller. I didn’t hear any stories about taken man-poaching expert Sienna Miller trying to get with Tom 0.3 second after they walked off the red carpet, so maybe he really is single.
Tom Hiddleston went on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night to promote all things Hiddleston including the TV mini-series The Night Manager, which comes out in the US next month, and the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light, which is out now. Stephen put the panty pudding prince of Tumblr on the spot twice. The first time was when he brought up the fact that Tom Hiddleston’s nalgas became a hashtag after he bared them in The Night Manager, and many Hiddlestoners probably used the picture of his butt to make an exact mold which they spoon with every night. (Stephen Colbert didn’t bring up that last part, but he was probably thinking it.) The second time Colbert put Tom Hiddleston on the spot was when he asked Tom to yodel out a Hank Williams song.
At first Tom refused to fill the ears of the audience with his gorgeous singing voice for free, but he eventually gave in after Stephen started singing “I Saw The Light.” At around the 2:46 mark, watch and listen to country’s hottest new duo since Dolly & Sly:
Stephen Colbert must obviously be a robot or an alien, or both. Because any human who can feel things would immediately cum themselves into a coma if the one and only Tom Hiddleston looked into their eyes while serenading them. Yup, Colbert’s totally a robot alien.
The Plot Thickens (Or Thins, Depending On How Much You Care): Elizabeth Olsen Was Never Asked To Do “Fuller House”
The makers of Making A Murderer are currently working on a second season for Netflix, but they need to hit the red ABORT button on those plans and instead shift their focus to investigating and thoroughly covering the journey to get Michelle Tanner in Fuller House. That American saga has more twists and turns than the Trollsens’ spinning heads when they do a Satanic spell on a bitch.
Many Hiddlestoners in the UK probably spent a piece of their morning wrapping an ACE bandage around their tongue, because they sprained it by licking their TV screen over and over and over again last night.
Tom Hiddleston stars in a BBC miniseries called The Night Manager (it will make its way to the US in April), and on last night’s episode (SPOILER ALERT), his tiny Stottie cake butt cheeks were exposed as he humped Elizabeth Debicki against a wall. The Daily Mail posted the screen shot of Tom’s little peach coming out to play and tweets from people who wanted to smear marmalade on those buns and eat ’em up. A clip of the VERY racy fuck scene (read: it’s not very racy) and Tom’s un-pixelated ass are after the cut. It’s not even close to being the tip moistening and panty destroying scene that Charlie Hunnam’s SoA fuck scene was, but if you have it for Tom Hiddleston, then wrap the seat of your chair in Saran wrap before clicking over.
Here’s the second trailer for High-Rise which stars Tumblr’s favorite fap object Tom Hiddleston as a doctor who moves into a luxurious London apartment building where nothing is as it seems and chaos ensues! If this took place in a luxurious Manhattan apartment building in present day, the line “nothing is as it seems” would refer to the snobby residents finding out that the pool is not saltwater and chaos would ensue after someone leaves a cheap doormat from Target outside their door. (Yes, I read the snobby people message board Urban Baby from time to time.)
High-Rise also stars Jeremy Irons, Luke Evans, Elisabeth Moss and Sienna Miller. It comes out in the UK in March and is expected to come out in the US later this year. This newest trailer uses the Tangerine Dream song from the train scene in Risky Business and it also features a naked Tom Hiddleston sunning his nipples while a magazine covers his crotch. While watching it I wished that his peen would high-rise that magazine right off of his crotch so we could get a good view of it. That didn’t make any sense, but I’m sure you figured out that I was making some pervy comment about wanting to see a boner.
Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston never came out and said, “Yup, our fuck parts rub together every day, all day,” and even she said that her chocha isn’t regularly getting Hiddleston’d. But the tabloids kept saying that they’re 100% a couple… and now Star (via Classicalite) is saying that they’re 100% not a couple anymore.
Star’s source (Hi, Lizzie Olsen’s publicist! I hope you had a good holiday!) says that Elizabeth Olsen didn’t break up with Tom Hiddleston because she was sick of his fans calling her all the time to say, “I hope you die.” That doesn’t bother Elizabeth at all since she’s used to a creepy voice saying, “I hope you die,” when she picks up the phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say that to her every time they call. It’s their way of saying “hello.” The source says that Elizabeth dumped Tom because she doesn’t want to get into anything serious.
“Elizabeth’s so focused on her career. She wasn’t sure she could handle a serious relationship right now.”
I know, Elizabeth Olsen needs an MRI stat, because there must be something wrong with her brain area if she’s choosing to work instead of doing Tom Hiddleston all the time. But really, getting dumped by Elizabeth Olsen may have saved Tom Hiddleston’s life! If they were still together, she would’ve dragged him to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding and if he went to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding, he would’ve ended up coughing up his blackened lungs on the floor as the Trollsens danced around him while cackling.
The craziest members of the Hiddlestoners have been accused of doing some insane shit like jumping on him at events, nearly trampling each other to get an autograph from him, following him home and on and on and on and on… (“Eh, is that all?” said a Cumberbitch before breaking into B. Cums’ bedroom to rub their bare crotch on all of his unworn underwear.) Tom Hiddleston has said before that he’s sick of being asked to take selfies and some of his fans can get obsessive by telling him that he’s solely responsible for certain things that have happened to them in their lives. In other words, some are insane. During an interview with The Guardian to promote Crimson Peak, Tom was asked about his over-obsessed fans and he said these words of polite diplomatic poetry about the whole situation:
“[It’s] an odd experience. But I won’t be the first person to have thought that. I’m only in control of my own integrity. I’m accountable for everything I’ve done and I understand that. Everything else is out of my control.”
That’s either a polite way of saying, “Get some integrity too, you crazy bitches!” or it’s a polite way of letting everyone know that he carries pepper spray and always has a stack of restraining orders in his jacket pocket.
Tumblr’s favorite fap material continued to talk about integrity when he was asked about his public persona:
“I have tried with all my power for there not to be any inauthenticity. There is no version of me presented to you that’s been created or is artificial. The people I’ve always respected have an integrity that is unassailable.”
And he’s so careful about his public persona that he’s not going to talk about politics (take note, rest of Hollywood).
“I’m not in the business of being politically divisive. I don’t want to set a precedent. It’s a private matter. I believe in kindness. I believe very profoundly in that. I believe in bravery and courage, in being true to your word … Very unfashionable.”
The Guardian’s interviewer said that Tom was very careful with his words, because he knows the game and knows that there’s a chance his quotes can be taken out of context. I feel that, because in this interview, he sounded like a cross between Jesus and the hero in a Disney movie. I don’t know whether I want to lay at his Jesus sandals and listen to him talk about “integrity” or help him put his dragon-fighting armor on as he gives a speech about “bravery.” Oh God, I hope that doesn’t mean I’m turning into a fucking Hiddlestoner.
And here’s Tom at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of High Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Sienna Miller who is wearing something that Marcia Brady would wear if she joined a cult in the 70s.
With just a few words, Tom Hiddleston has guaranteed that his movie Crimson Peak will make at least $500 million in its opening weekend, because his horny fans will pay to see multiple showings so they can experience multiple genital squirts while seeing his blown-up ass cheeks on an IMAX (more like clIMAX) screen. While promoting Crimson Peak during an interview with E!, Tom said that his porcelain peaks make an appearance in the movie, because lady nipples show up in movies all the time and he feels like it’s time to balance it out with more man parts.
“It’s so often in movies that women are more naked than men and that’s unfair. We wanted to sort of redress the balance. I didn’t have a problem with the nakedness because I felt that there’s always been a strain of sexuality in Gothic romance as much as there has been the fear of death and the threat of violence. It’s a very violent film and I felt like we needed to balance that. So if we’re going to bring up the violence we needed to bring up the sense of sexuality.”
I’m with Tom and I’m all for his “More Naked Dudes” movement, but just showing his ass isn’t going to balance things. Millions of movies have servings of man ass in it. I’ll just name a few (just a few): Showgirls, Magic Mike, Magic Mike XXL, Shame, Troy, The Terminator, American Gigolo, Demolition Man, Love and Other Drugs, American Psycho, In The Cut, Friends with Benefits, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Full Monty, Die Hard 2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Lethal Weapon, Blue Velvet and Starship Troopers.
And that’s just what’s in my head. That’s not even 1/4th of what’s in the file folder on my desktop titled “Man Ass In Movies.” So if Tom really wants to be at the forefront of equality, he needs to show his rock hard peen under bright lights and in front of a 3D camera. Do it, Tom! Do it for feminism!
And here’s Tom with Luke Evans and a lubed-up Sienna Miller at the premiere and photo call for his other new movie High Rise at the San Sebastian International Film Festival in Spain.
Elizabeth Olsen’s vagine became the object of Tumblr’s jealousy a few months ago when UsWeekly said that it was getting several servings of the Hiddleston dick. A couple of months later, pictures came out of Elizabeth hiding her face while leaving a restaurant in London with Tom Hiddleston and other sources said that they have gone from fuck buddies to something a little more serious. But while promoting I Saw The Light at TIFF, Elizabeth made it clear that she and Tom aren’t a thing, so all you Hiddlestoners can stop sending her death threats. Besides, sending death threats to Elizabeth Olsen is not a good idea, because she’ll just forward them to the Trollsens who will skin you alive and use your hide to make a $4,600 purse.
Refinery 29 asked the Other Olsen about I Saw The Light, but nobody really cares about that shit, so they got to talking about if she’s boning Tom Hiddleston on the regular or not.
There have been a lot of links between you and Tom Hiddleston, about you two dating. I don’t know if that’s something you confirm, but how do you feel —
“I mean, we definitely are friends and we’ve known each other for about four years. And we happened to be at a restaurant at a wrong time having dinner. We all go out to dinner.”
How do you react when you see that in the press?
“Well, apparently, I’m dating Chris Evans, and apparently, I’ve dated Jeremy Renner, so I guess that… I don’t react to it.”
So you’re not dating Tom?
“No. I mean people can think what they want to think.”
I believe her. If she was seriously dating Tom, she probably would’ve taken him to the tree trunk house at the edge of the bridge to meet her sisters and during that meeting, the life in his eyes would’ve flickered out as he watched Mary-Kate and Ashley make out with their dudes at the dinner table. Tom doesn’t look dead inside in these pictures from TIFF, so I’m guessing he’s never met the Trollsens. And Elizabeth’s right. We can think what we want to think. So I’m just going to tell myself that Elizabeth is a three-way beard and she’s bearding for Tom, Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner who are secretly dating each other. Thanks for the tip, Lizzie!
And here’s Tom at a TIFF press conference for High-Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Luke Evans today.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Last night in London, the paps jumped on the panty creaming prince of Tumblr, Tom Hiddleston, and the Olsen who doesn’t live in the hallowed out trunk of a rotten tree and lures small children to her lair with candy before nibbling on pieces of their pristine souls. Tom and Elizabeth Olsen left The Wolseley in London and the paps got on them as he hailed a cab. The picture above is one of the only pictures where the Marilyn Munster of the Olsens is showing her full mug. In the rest of the pictures below, she’s hiding her face the same way a one-night trick hides his face as he leaves my place in the daylight hours.
Tom and Elizabeth have apparently been boning for a couple of months after “getting close” while shooting the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light. They haven’t come out and said that they’re genitals are becoming one and last night it looked like Elizabeth was not here for the attention. But if I was her, I wouldn’t be hiding my face and trying to get away from the paps. I’d be laughing and smiling and doing cartwheels down the street before opening up my cape coat thing to show off my t-shirt with the words “I’m Going Home To Fuck Your Man, Tumblr. Cry, Bitches” written on it in sequins. And Hawkeye really needs to sit Loki down and give him a thorough lesson in beauty. Jeremy Renner would teach Tom how to properly blend so he won’t be caught with a messy fake tanner face game again.