After doing some soul-searching in India and Tibet, and finding itself with the help of the Dalai Lama and Demi Moore, The Slut Dress has come back to Hollywood with a new lease on life. The Slut Dress knows that the 90s are back, so it reinvented itself as the dress version of the Showgirls poster. Elegant inspiration for an elegant dress.
The new and improved Slut Dress mades it grand return on the body of maybe Wonder Woman Jaimie Alexander at the premiere of Thor: Dark World in Hollywood last night. Jaimie plays Lady Sif in that shit. The Slut Dress will now make its way through the bodies of Hollywood and it’ll make its final appearance on the body of some low-level Bravo reality shit show (I’m thinking MJ from Shahs of Sunset) star before it ends up wadded-up at the bottom of the last-call bin at the Off 5th outlet in Cabazon. Then it’ll reinvent itself all over again! It’s good to have your ass back, Slut Dress.
Jaimie Alexander is a classy flower to watch, because I’m all about an exquisite trick who steals the spotlight from Loki by letting everyone there know that the only thing separating them from her (NSFWish) smiling shaved snatch is a thin piece of black fabric. Flaunt that ass cheek, bitch, and work it like your Mazda payment is overdue and Sonia from Operación Repo just pulled up behind it.
Here’s some other hos (including Loki, Thor, Anthony Hopkins and Kat Dennings) at last night’s premiere.
To promote that WikiLeaks movie The Fifth Estate, Bendadick Cumsinasses did a Reddit AMA today. I don’t think anybody asked Benadryl Cucumberpatch when he’s going to shed his human skin and reveal himself as a reptilian king who has come to Earth to capture us all and take us back to his home planet where we’ll become food to his kind. But somebody did ask him this:
Do you, Matt Smith, and Tom Hiddleston have cheek bone polishing parties?
A flood of nerd panty pudding drowned Tumblr after he answered with this:
We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet.
And as you can tell from that fan art above, the Internet has already worked that image over. I haven’t checked yet, but I’m pretty sure the thought of Dr. Who, Sherlock and Loki lubing each other’s cheekbones has broken Tumblr forever. RIP Tumblr!
Here’s Bennigan Comboverhatch outside of GMA in NYC today.
After I typed that headline, my brain queefed up the image of Tom Hiddleston as Tom Hiddleston giving it to Owen Wilson as Owen Wilson gives it Tom Hiddleston as Loki. I can fap to that.
During an interview with Popcorn Taxi, Tom was asked by an audience member to do an impersonation of Owen Wilson (Side note: Tom worked with Owen on Midnight in Paris) doing an impersonation of Loki, because why not? Tom’s Owen as Loki is kind of like a constipated Woody Allen talking with a peen in his mouth. In other words, he nailed it. Tom should watch out, though. He should never EVER do his Owen Wilson impersonation outside. Because if he does, a married personal trainer will mistake him for the real Owen Wilson and slap at him for missing a child support payment.
Don’t be worried about that tingly moistness you feel in your nipple area. You just secreted gold glitter from seeing Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston together in one place. It happens to everyone. Tilda and Tom posed with Jim Jarmusch (looking like a silver Wolverine) and John Hurt at the premiere of Only Lovers Left Alive at Cannes.
In that shit, Tom and Tilda play two vampires, Adam and Eve, who have been in love for centuries. Just picturing Tom and Tilda making vampire love together made you secrete more gold glitter, right? I bet their sex scenes look like two pink albino lizards gnawing at each other while lying on a pile of swan feathers.
And I don’t smoke cigarettes, but I wish I did just so I could light a Virginia Slim on the white flame on Tilda’s head.