As Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston meet with their team of publicists and body language experts to look over the storyboards for their next photo-op session, her ex-piece Calvin Harris continues to let out an open-mouth silent cry while clutching the deflated heart-shaped mylar balloon that she had sent to his homeroom on their one week anniversary. Calvin just can’t believe that Taylor has moved on so fast. He also can’t believe that she flew all the way to England to meet Tom’s mom and she never met his parents! This is the part in our saga where former Forever Alone team leader Jennifer Aniston sends Calvin a lonely bitch starter kit including cake batter, The Meg Ryan DVD Series, a boyfriend pillow and directions to the nearest cat adoption center.
I am all for ToTay’s shameless world PR tour as long as they keep bringing that hot piece bodyguard (at least I think that’s a bodyguard) with them…
It’s been a little less than two weeks since
the start date of Taylor and Tom’s contract Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston’s authentic love grew on a rock in Rhode Island and since then, they have moved faster than two U-Haul lesbians on speed. They went from Rhode Island to NYC to Nashville where Tom dad danced at a Selena Gomez concert and met Tay Tay’s parents. From Nashville, they took their “We’re Really, Really In Love” tour international when they visited Tom’s mom in England and Taylor’s stylist did her up in “old-fashioned English country girl” drag for a completely and private walk with his family and a dozen or so paparazzi on Covehithe Beach (see: the spontaneous and organic pictures below). And now they’re in Italy…. To Rome with UGH!
Taylor and Tom strolled through the Colosseum in Rome today, and she must’ve graciously let the paparazzi have the day off, because it was her fans who took pictures of them and posted that mess on Twitter and Instagram. They probably ended their day at a studio where they practiced riding a Vespa for their Roman Holiday-themed photo shoot for the paps tomorrow.
So, since they’ve met each other’s parents and are in Europe now, I fully expect them to elope in an extremely private ceremony in front of the Eiffel Tower at 11 in the morning on Wednesday. Their honeymoon in Bora Bora will be live-streamed on the Jumbotron in Times Square on Friday and they’ll show off the Baby Alive doll they adopted together outside of St. Mary’s Hospital in London on Sunday. They’ll be divorced a week from today and Tay Tay will get custody of their Baby Alive doll.
But seriously, ToTay is looking so damn fake that it almost defeats the purpose of a PR relationship. Maybe this is one big performance art piece and Taylor’s artistic commentary on how her relationships are perceived by the media. Naw, I’m giving her ass too much credit.
It’s absolutely incredible the empire American Girl dolls has built. There’s the doll itself that comes with a whole story and life and her little accessories, but then there are endless possibilities. You can buy her an entire world full of furniture and clothes and friends. Beyond the large scope of imagination it provides for children, the company is astounding because of the fuckload of money its made. Much like Taylor Swift, living American Girl doll. And now, she’s really upped the ante with her latest accessory, Tom Hiddleston, by playing with him in the “meet your boyfriend’s mother for super natural looking photos” playset!
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) June 25, 2016
The two arrived there yesterday and they spent super private time with his mom in front of the paparazzi before driving around his hometown of Suffolk. Taylor brought Tom’s mom gifts. After their leisurely and spontaneous stroll, Tom drove Taylor around in a very James Bond-esque (cast him already!) Jaguar and showed her his favorite spots. Like a gas station where he got them coffee. Nothing screams Harlequin romance like a quick cup of piss joe at a gas station.
When it comes down to it, I kind of admire Taylor and I can’t believe I typed that. At least she’s the kind of master puppeteer who puts out dumb and sappy entertainment into the world, which it kind of needs at the moment. Maybe Taylor’s presence in the UK will somehow rework Brexit. Or maybe she’ll just buy Buckingham Palace, rename it Pretty Pretty Princess Palace and live happily ever after with her fully posable Prince Charming.
When buff giraffe Calvin Harris and yodeling giraffe Taylor Swift pinky swore to keep the details of their relationship between them, she was obviously crossing her fingers behind her back, because DUH. Trick has hit songs to write. But Calvin may also have been crossing his fingers behind his back, because he may have spilled some shit on Instagram yesterday.
“On your left, is the French impressionist painting titled ‘Stunt Queens At A Concert’ by Monet’s ghost, 2016” – a tour guide at the Shameless PR Couples Hall of Fame and Museum.
Okay, it’s one thing to dance like a malfunctioning cymbal monkey next to Taylor Swift at the Met Gala. But busting out some awkward dad head bops at a Selena Gomez concert is another thing that does not need to happen ever. One week after their young adult romance book cover photo shoot came out in The Sun, Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston hugged on each other and danced together at her BFF Selena Gomez’s show in Nashville, TN last night. When Meat Loaf sings, “I would do anything for love,” (or in this case, “I would do anything for PR“) he meant anything BUT dance at a Selena Gomez concert.
Videos of ToTay dancing have popped up on Twitter and Snapchat, and I know he’s only 9 years older than her, but he looks like an uncomfortable suburban dad chaperone trying to look like a cool and hip dad in front of his daughter’s tween friends at a Selena Gomez concert. I mean, Selena Gomez!
It hasn’t even been one full week since Tom Hiddleston started officially promoting his latest project, being Taylor Swift’s 100% real piece, and he’s already doing thirsty shit like this. I guess you gotta strike while the PR whore iron is piping hot.
Before we get into the most romantic dinner of the century, I must say that swan pastry is much too fabulous to be eaten. It doesn’t belong in someone’s stomach. It belongs on the Las Vegas stage, because bitch is working that voluminous whipped cream boa like no other. No, that whipped cream isn’t its body, it’s its costume. I bet Taylor Swift ordered the server to get that swan pastry out of her sight because she was jealous of all the charisma and glamour it possessed. And yes, I was completely sober while writing that little bit about the Liberace pastry swan. Moving on…
Very early this morning in his basement studio, DJ Calvin Harris sadly sat in front of his computer and pulled a Taylor Swift by using his broken emotions to bust out a sad song of betrayal using sick (but yet melancholy) beats. The heart that lives inside of Calvin Harris’ muscled-up, waxed chest immediately broke into a thousand pieces after he saw those pictures of his girlfriend of 15 months (which is 97 years in TTT: Tay Tay Time) getting into a loved-up photo-op with Tom Hiddleston on the rocks in front of her beachfront Rhode Island mansion. A single tear of betrayal threw itself out of Calvin’s eye and slid down his cheek as he thought about how he used to be the one who starred in staged photo shoots for attention with Taylor. And yes, Calvin’s heartbreak EDM song will be called “You Broke My Heart On That Rock (On That Rock).” Katy Perry will do the vocals.
Just when I said that the slow summer gossip season had begun, The Sun just had to cause Tumblr to flood with the tears of Hiddlestoners by posting a bunch of pictures of Tom Hiddleston sucking the Easy Bake Oven strawberry tart glaze off of Taylor Swift’s lips.
Taylor took off her Claddagh promise ring from Calvin Harris just took weeks ago, and today The Sun posted a bunch of pictures of her getting on Tumblr’s panty pudding-summoning prince on the beach near her mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. Calvin Harris also unfollowed Tay Tay on all his social media accounts and deleted any posts featuring her face. That may or may not mean that Tom should expect to be welcomed into The Home Wreckers Club by Sienna Miller. Finally Taylor did something right by giving us a SCANDAL!
At the Met Gala last month, Tay Tay and Tom were caught dancing together like two constipated chickens on crack. Of course, the tabloids said that the two were flirting and most of us laughed at the idea of them becoming a thing. But I guess Tom’s publicist and Taylor’s publicist got together and made that rumor come true!
A source (aka Taylor’s cat Olivia Benson) tells The Sun that Tom has been trying to get with Taylor ever since they met at the Met Gala. He sent her flowers and it worked. But another source tells E! News that they’re just keeping it casual right now:
“Taylor is hanging out with Tom. Nothing serious is going on but she is talking to him. They have been out a few times she really enjoys his company. She is not looking to jump into anything this fast, but will take things as it goes nice and slowly.”
I’m guessing “taking things slowly” means that she hasn’t picked out her wedding dress yet, but she’s already written half a dozen songs about him, chosen the outfit she’ll wear when they make their Instagram debut and braided herself a bracelet out of his pubes.
We all need a laugh lately, so go to The Sun to see all the hilarious pictures of HiddleSwift on the beach. Those pictures look about as genuine and spontaneous as Taylor and Jake Gyllenhaal’s totally not-staged couples photo shoot. Those pictures of HiddleSwift look like stills from the worst Nicholas Sparks movie ever. I love it all.
The vaginas of Tumblr are collectively shaking. Just like how James Bond prefers his martinis.
There was a rumor that Daniel Craig was offered $100 million to play Bond two more times, but he turned down that offer, because he’s completely over wearing a tux and fake fucking Bond Girls. Or he turned it down because he has realized that money is the root of all evil and he’s giving his entire fortune away to charity before he begins his pure life in a nudist colony in the middle of the forest somewhere. If that’s the case, I’ll also be giving away my fortune (of a raggedy She-Ra action figure and a checking account with a negative balance) to join him.
But really, the site Birth. Movies. Death claims that producers have seriously begun talking to Tom Hiddleston about taking over as Bond. Shit is so serious that Tom isn’t in beginners talks, or even in intermediate talks. He’s in ADVANCED talks with producers.
Choosing words carefully, our source confirms that while talks have indeed taken place, and that Hiddleston very much wants the job (a fact of which he’s made no secret), no official offer has been made – yet.
B.M.D. thinks that either Daniel Craig has definitely hung up his Bond swim chonies for good and the role is open. Or they think that producers are talking to other actors so that Daniel Craig realizes they’re looking to replace him and signs another contract. You know, kind of like the time when you wanted to get your ex-piece to take you back, so you tried to make him jealous by showing up to the club with a hot Craigslist hustler you paid to hump on you? What? Just me? Okay.
If any of this is true, then Idris Elba is being robbed, which is very “street” of those producers.
The producers probably want Tom Hiddleston, because they know that if they include at least one scene where he exposes his ass cheeks, they’ll make $1 billion in one weekend. All of the Hiddlestoners will watch and pay to see every screening until their coochies explode, and even then, they’ll just slap a Band-Aid on it and watch the next screening. There’s also reports that Jamie Bell is in talks to play Bond. Idris Elba is my only real choice for Bond, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Billy Elliot either. I mean, imagine how Billy Elliot would stun his enemies with his jazz hands and fly kicks? Dance, Bond, dance!