A million crazy fanboys and girls are like “I would do anythang to be that monkey.” Are they called Hiddle-stans? They should be.
According to Deadline, hunky British imp Tom Hiddleston has been cast as the star of the upcoming King King reboot/remake/prequel/sequel/whatever the hell they’re calling it Skull Island. I’m sure you’re thinking “Didn’t I just watch a King Kong reboot?“, and yes, you did. In case your brain has permanently erased the last King Kong reboot from your memory (I don’t blame it, that shit was looooooong), King Kong happened in 2005, was directed by Peter Jackson, starred the hot busted-nosed pimp Adrien Brody, and it took place on both Skull Island (King Kong’s home base) and Asshole Island (aka Manhattan). But this King Kong remake will be totally different, I promise! Skull Island takes place ONLY on Skull Island. See? TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
Also it’s being directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts, who sort of looks like the skinny hipster version of Peter Jackson, and stars the Internet’s side-piece Tom Hiddleston. Again, this is a very different movie, because Adrien’s nose looks like it’s been broken 4,287 times, and Tom’s nose looks like it’s only been broken once.
Skull Island comes out on November 4th 2016 – yes, MORE THAN TWO YEARS FROM NOW. I guess they want to get the Hiddle-stans all fired up long before then. Not cool, guys! You know how King Kong goes totally mental when they take him from Skull Island to New York? That will be the internet sometime around December 2015! You can’t make the Hiddle-stans wait so long! For the sake of the producers, I hope another Avengers movie comes out between now and Skull Island, otherwise the Hiddle-stans will form a rat-king and climb to the top of the Empire State Building clutching Jordan Vogt-Roberts and demanding he work faster, goddamn it! The Hiddle-stans don’t play.
The Wheatland Music Festival in Remus, Michigan turned into the Beathand Poonsick Festival after Tom Hiddleston made a surprise appearance and everyone immediately dropped whatever they were holding in their hands and started beating off peens and poons (whichever was closest), and all the peens and poons got sick from too much hand-beating. I’m not even sure I know what that means, but basically Tom Hiddleston’s appearance at the Wheatland Music Festival on Saturday probably caused The Fappening 2, because that’s what Tom Hiddleston does.
But he did have a reason for being there besides creating a tsunami of panty pudding. Tom has been practicing his croonin’ in preparation to play county legend Hank Williams in the biopic “I Saw The Light“, so the Wheatland Music Festival was as good a time as any to give everyone a little preview of what to expect. I was skeptical when it was announced that British-born Loki was going to play Hank Williams, and I honestly expecting some Great Balls of Fire-levels of biopic messiness, but his cover of “Move It On Over” is actually pretty good. You can compare it to the original here, and if you really want to feel dizzy, try listening to them at the same time.
Of course, it could still happen. Like Forrest Gump’s mama said: “Biopics are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” You could either get a milk chocolate caramel (Behind the Candelabra, The Anna Nicole Smith Story) or a stale orange cream (Liz & Dick). But chances are, “I Saw The Light” will be a caramel, if only because it’s illegal to say anything bad about Tom Hiddleston. Even if he throws it on purpose, a la The Producers, reviews will still be like “Tom Hiddleston very sexy as Hank Williams – 5 STARS .”
On a list of “Movies That Hollywood Should Remake,” Milo & Otis should be somewhere at the top (because I really want to see a remake starring Teddy Bear and Tara the Hero Cat, but not Grumpy Cat, because that ho needs a break) and hovering at the bottom above Showgirls (the day Hollywood remakes Showgirls is the day all the Gods need to gather together to bitch slap Hollywood into the Pacific Ocean) should be Ben-Hur. But because Hollywood gets off on remaking shit that nobody asked to be remade, they’re remaking Ben-Hur. Expect it to be filled with 1000% more explosions and 2000% more CGI. The theme song will be a Roman Empire remix of Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” called “Hot In Hurrr.”
Last year, it was reported that MGM was talking about a remake of Ben-Hur, but I guess those “talks” turned into something more, because they’ve put it on the release schedule for 2016. Deadline says that MGM, Paramount and producer/director Timur Bekmambetov (he directed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Wanted) will fart out the new Ben-Hur on February 26, 2016. Timur is planning to direct. John Ridley, who wrote 12 Years A Slave, wrote the latest draft and Survivor’s head bitch Mark Burnett and the angel that has touched us all Roma Downey have joined the project as producers. Right now, they’re looking for their Ben-Hur and Tumblr’s #1 coochie cream- inducer Tom Hiddleston is their first choice. FINALLY! A historically accurate choice, because we all know that ancient Jews were as white as white can be and spoke with British accents. Deadline thinks that Tom is the perfect choice:
Hiddleston seems an ideal choice. Long thought of as a classical actor in parlor dramas, he remade himself as a global action star thanks to his work as the charismatic anti-hero Loki in the Thor and The Avengers films. Stay tuned.
I see what those evil whores in Hollywood are doing. They know that all of his crazed fangirls will bankrupt themselves to see their God command a chariot while sweaty, dirty and baring his nipples in a flimsy toga. KY Jelly does not want this to happen, because if it did, thousands of pussies will never be parched again. If MGM executives really want to fill their pools with $100 bills, they should make Ben-Hur’s gay love story blatantly obvious and cast Bendadick Cumsinbatches as Messala. Bendadick Cumsinbatches gently stroking Tom Hiddleston’s dirty, sweaty cheek would be the Fall of Tumblr.
In “Those Brits keeps stealing American jobs” news, the one man (besides Bendadick Cumsinbatches) who could bring down the Empire of Tumblr if he posted a dick pic on there has signed on to play country legend Hank Williams in a biopic called “I Saw The Light.” It’s a perfect title since that’s what every Hiddlestoner softly says to themselves when they see a picture of Tom Hiddleston smiling and are ready to give their body to the lord as a thank you for creating humanity’s greatest gift.
Deadline says that director, writer and producer Marc Abraham wrote the script based on the Hank Williams biography by Colin Escott and he will also direct. “I Saw The Light” starts shooting in Louisiana this October. Tom will do all of his own singing and will yodel out Hank’s songs including “Hey Good Lookin’,” Honky Tonk Blues,” “Your Cheatin’ Heart” and my personal favorite song to give afternoon lap dances to, “My Bucket’s Got A Hole In It.” “I Saw The Light” will show Hank’s rise to fame as a country star before dying at the age of 29.
Tom confirmed the news on Twatter yesterday:
I Saw The Light. pic.twitter.com/LBSiP5tBVb
— Tom Hiddleston (@twhiddleston) June 13, 2014
If I was a producer on that shit, I’d take a few artistic liberties to make sure it makes at least $1 trillion its opening weekend. I’d give “Hank Williams” a severe case of stage fright and every time he performed in front of an audience, he got the crotch sweats bad and it became a problem. The only way he could perform is by wearing crotch-less and ass-less chaps so his down low parts could breathe. I’d also give “Hank Williams” a major blanket phobia and to keep warm he had to cuddle with a pile of puppies. Where’s my producer credit? Where’s my studio parking lot space?
And if you want to hear Tom Hiddleston say “tits” and “nipples” in a Southern accent, here’s Tom Hiddleston saying “tits” and “nipples” in a Southern accent. It’s very Matthew McConaughey Lite.
Pic: Tumblr/Jason Hetherington
Before Chris Hemsworth got to swing around his rock hard hammer as Thor, every single white dude with a SAG card auditioned for that role including Tumblr’s second husband Tom Hiddleston. On the Thor: The Dark World DVD, which comes out next month, the bonuses include Tom’s Thor audition and CBM posted two GIFs from it. This is the reason why Tumblr’s clit hasn’t stopped shaking since this morning. The GIFs are after the cut and if you haven’t seen them already, prepare your eyes, loins, no-no and soul for Tom’s golden Jesus locks and his “Raise Your Hammer If You’re Sure” moves. »
When I saw this at Jezebel, I figured it was a video of Tumblr’s sweethearts Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston partaking in a live dance-off against each other in the back alley of a club somewhere and I wondered why the Internet was still standing and didn’t crumble into a million pieces and float away on a sea of panty pudding? But YouTuber and Benedict’s imaginary Lucy Cumberbatch put together clips of Bendydick Cumsinbatches and Tom Hiddleston serving up dorky move after dorky move to that “Sexy and I Know It” song. Just when I was beginning to think that my ears were finally safe from LMFAO, they’re scraping the skin off of my ear tunnels yet again. Anyway…
In one corner, we’ve got Bendydick who dances like an ADD-inflicted velociraptor trying to do an impersonation of a komodo dragon on speed while choking on a piece of raw caveman meat. In the other corner, we’ve got Hiddleston who dances like Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels or like the cool teacher at high school dance circa 1999.
So who won the battle? Neither of them! We’re the true winners here, because we get to nibble on Christmas crunch popcorn while watching the Cumberbitches and the Hiddlestoners scrap over which one of their British sex gods is the best dancer as their ovaries combust.
After doing some soul-searching in India and Tibet, and finding itself with the help of the Dalai Lama and Demi Moore, The Slut Dress has come back to Hollywood with a new lease on life. The Slut Dress knows that the 90s are back, so it reinvented itself as the dress version of the Showgirls poster. Elegant inspiration for an elegant dress.
The new and improved Slut Dress mades it grand return on the body of maybe Wonder Woman Jaimie Alexander at the premiere of Thor: Dark World in Hollywood last night. Jaimie plays Lady Sif in that shit. The Slut Dress will now make its way through the bodies of Hollywood and it’ll make its final appearance on the body of some low-level Bravo reality shit show (I’m thinking MJ from Shahs of Sunset) star before it ends up wadded-up at the bottom of the last-call bin at the Off 5th outlet in Cabazon. Then it’ll reinvent itself all over again! It’s good to have your ass back, Slut Dress.
Jaimie Alexander is a classy flower to watch, because I’m all about an exquisite trick who steals the spotlight from Loki by letting everyone there know that the only thing separating them from her (NSFWish) smiling shaved snatch is a thin piece of black fabric. Flaunt that ass cheek, bitch, and work it like your Mazda payment is overdue and Sonia from Operación Repo just pulled up behind it.
Here’s some other hos (including Loki, Thor, Anthony Hopkins and Kat Dennings) at last night’s premiere.
To promote that WikiLeaks movie The Fifth Estate, Bendadick Cumsinasses did a Reddit AMA today. I don’t think anybody asked Benadryl Cucumberpatch when he’s going to shed his human skin and reveal himself as a reptilian king who has come to Earth to capture us all and take us back to his home planet where we’ll become food to his kind. But somebody did ask him this:
Do you, Matt Smith, and Tom Hiddleston have cheek bone polishing parties?
A flood of nerd panty pudding drowned Tumblr after he answered with this:
We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet.
And as you can tell from that fan art above, the Internet has already worked that image over. I haven’t checked yet, but I’m pretty sure the thought of Dr. Who, Sherlock and Loki lubing each other’s cheekbones has broken Tumblr forever. RIP Tumblr!
Here’s Bennigan Comboverhatch outside of GMA in NYC today.
After I typed that headline, my brain queefed up the image of Tom Hiddleston as Tom Hiddleston giving it to Owen Wilson as Owen Wilson gives it Tom Hiddleston as Loki. I can fap to that.
During an interview with Popcorn Taxi, Tom was asked by an audience member to do an impersonation of Owen Wilson (Side note: Tom worked with Owen on Midnight in Paris) doing an impersonation of Loki, because why not? Tom’s Owen as Loki is kind of like a constipated Woody Allen talking with a peen in his mouth. In other words, he nailed it. Tom should watch out, though. He should never EVER do his Owen Wilson impersonation outside. Because if he does, a married personal trainer will mistake him for the real Owen Wilson and slap at him for missing a child support payment.
Don’t be worried about that tingly moistness you feel in your nipple area. You just secreted gold glitter from seeing Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston together in one place. It happens to everyone. Tilda and Tom posed with Jim Jarmusch (looking like a silver Wolverine) and John Hurt at the premiere of Only Lovers Left Alive at Cannes.
In that shit, Tom and Tilda play two vampires, Adam and Eve, who have been in love for centuries. Just picturing Tom and Tilda making vampire love together made you secrete more gold glitter, right? I bet their sex scenes look like two pink albino lizards gnawing at each other while lying on a pile of swan feathers.
And I don’t smoke cigarettes, but I wish I did just so I could light a Virginia Slim on the white flame on Tilda’s head.