Penis objectification denouncer Michael Fassbender is out shilling the new Alien: We Really Gotta Stop Just Standing There And Waiting For The Facehugger To Leap Out Of The Egg And Suck On To Our Mugs flick.
Michael, who plays his Prometheus android character as well as another identical android in the new Alien, says that he’s mistaken for Tom “I ♥ T.S.” Hiddleston all the time. The Daily Telegraph (via The Daily Mail) reveals that Michael says he feels that he’s much hotter than Tom. Of course he’s sexier, he’s never been with Taylor Swift. The mark of Tay Tay messes with a guy’s hotness.
And he feels the comparisons are faulty. They’re faulty because he’s young, hot Magneto and gets blown by guys in movies! Let’s see Loki and his stupid horns do that. AND, he probably has a bigger penis. We’ve all seen that cock of the walk he did in Shame (Tom’s Tumblr nation is going to find me for that one).
“Happens all the time,” he joked.
“I can see the similarities, but I’m better looking than him,” he added with a laugh.
Damn right! You don’t have to stick the laugh in there just to make like you’re joking so Tom will feel better. He’ll be fine. After all, he singlehandedly saved South Sudan, so he always got that accomplishment to fall back if he’s having trouble landing ladies. Girls like a humblebragger, right?
Other reasons why Michael > Tom? He’s never worn a I ♥ A.V. Club tank top. If this were Studs, I’d totally be the 1990s girl in the spandex sheathe minidress with the crispy bangs that chooses you, Michael.
Brie Larson won a lot of Best Actress awards last year for Room, so this year she got the job of presenting Best Actor at a few award shows. Casey Affleck won many Best Actor awards this year. Brie had to say Casey’s name twice and when she did, she did it with the least amount of enthusiasm as possible. I’ve seen STD results delivered with more oomph. Brie’s excitement level was set to “I’d Rather Be At The DMV On A Monday Morning” when she handed Casey the Golden Globe, and she didn’t clap when he won the Oscar. Brie meant to do all that.
Tom Hiddleston is doing the rounds to promote the Khloe Kardashian origin movie, Kong: Skull Island, and since he spilled his feelings about the Taylor Swift shit in a hilarious interview with GQ, he has been asked about her. At one point it seemed like Tom Hiddleston’s official job title was “Taylor Swift’s PR Stunt Partner,” but now one of the thirstiest hos on the stroll wants everyone to respect the “privacy please” sign that is hanging on his door.
Both The Telegraph and Savannah Guthrie of Today asked Tom about Taylor, and he said that his private life is private. The paparazzi must be so confused now. If they should ever receive an “anonymous tip” saying that Tom Hiddleston is currently burning his “I Heart T.S.” tank top in a bonfire outside of Taylor’s Rhode Island mansion, do they show up or is Tom’s publicist just cock teasing them?
The Daily Mail says that sad man Tom Hiddleston recently told an unsexy story during an appearance on The Graham Norton Show about peeing on his Night Manager co-star Tom Hollander. They were filming in Mallorca and Tom Hollander decided to go for a swim. He swam into a group of jellyfish and one stung him. Tom Hiddleston claims Tom Hollander asked if he’d pull a Chandler and piss on his jellyfish sting.
“He shouted across the beach, ‘I say old sport could you come and pee on me?’ and I engagingly obliged. I’ve since read up on it and it don’t think it works – it’s an old wives’ tale.”
How kind of Tom to agree to pee on other Tom’s jellyfish sting. Except that’s not how Tom Hollander remembers it. Tom Hollander told the same story on The Jonathan Ross Show about a year ago. And according to Tom Hollander, it was Tom Hiddleston’s idea to pee on the sting. In fact, it sounds like he wasted no time in pulling out his dick and giving Tom Hollander a golden shower.
I feel like Kevin Costner in JFK. What’s the TRUTH, Tom? Did Tom Hiddleston volunteer or was he coerced into it? Does he do this all the time? Is he a re-pee-t pisser? Does he get his rocks off by waiting in the water hoping someone will scream “Ow, I got stung!“? Only the Toms know for sure.
Now I can’t help but wonder about those pics of Tom swimming in the ocean with Taylor Swift during the Fourth of July weekend. Especially that pic of Ryan Reynolds looking extremely uncomfortable in Tom and Taylor’s presence. Did something happen in the water that weekend, Ryan? What did you see?!?
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Tom Hiddleston should keep a lighter in his pants pocket at all times. That way whenever anyone brings up that mortifying moment when he traded in his dignity for a little pap fame by wearing that I ♥ T.S. tank top out in public, he can set his pants on fire and say, “Oh look, my pants are on fire. I have to go. Bye.” But during a two day-long interview with GQ’s Taffy Brodesser-Akner, Tom was asked about the most embarrassing clothing item since the skort and he goes on and on and on about it and gets deep. That would’ve been the perfect time for Tom to quote his former employer Taylor Swift by saying, “I would like to be excluded from this narrative.”