The vaginas of Tumblr are collectively shaking. Just like how James Bond prefers his martinis.
There was a rumor that Daniel Craig was offered $100 million to play Bond two more times, but he turned down that offer, because he’s completely over wearing a tux and fake fucking Bond Girls. Or he turned it down because he has realized that money is the root of all evil and he’s giving his entire fortune away to charity before he begins his pure life in a nudist colony in the middle of the forest somewhere. If that’s the case, I’ll also be giving away my fortune (of a raggedy She-Ra action figure and a checking account with a negative balance) to join him.
But really, the site Birth. Movies. Death claims that producers have seriously begun talking to Tom Hiddleston about taking over as Bond. Shit is so serious that Tom isn’t in beginners talks, or even in intermediate talks. He’s in ADVANCED talks with producers.
Choosing words carefully, our source confirms that while talks have indeed taken place, and that Hiddleston very much wants the job (a fact of which he’s made no secret), no official offer has been made – yet.
B.M.D. thinks that either Daniel Craig has definitely hung up his Bond swim chonies for good and the role is open. Or they think that producers are talking to other actors so that Daniel Craig realizes they’re looking to replace him and signs another contract. You know, kind of like the time when you wanted to get your ex-piece to take you back, so you tried to make him jealous by showing up to the club with a hot Craigslist hustler you paid to hump on you? What? Just me? Okay.
If any of this is true, then Idris Elba is being robbed, which is very “street” of those producers.
The producers probably want Tom Hiddleston, because they know that if they include at least one scene where he exposes his ass cheeks, they’ll make $1 billion in one weekend. All of the Hiddlestoners will watch and pay to see every screening until their coochies explode, and even then, they’ll just slap a Band-Aid on it and watch the next screening. There’s also reports that Jamie Bell is in talks to play Bond. Idris Elba is my only real choice for Bond, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Billy Elliot either. I mean, imagine how Billy Elliot would stun his enemies with his jazz hands and fly kicks? Dance, Bond, dance!
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
Last night was the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. President Obama actually made the room, and me, laugh. Larry Wilmore didn’t. Donald Trump was a no show. And there were tons, TONS, of celebrities (and celebrity-adjacents) there. Celebrities love nothing more than being invited to fancy political things because, I imagine, they feel it makes them legitimate. “Well! Mr President Barack Obama thought I was worth his time,” I see some TV actress saying when doors get shut in her face at auditions for shows at about teens played by people in their late-30s. So let’s get down to who was there and what they wore.
Somewhere in an underground bunker, the lead Hiddlestoner just hit the emergency alert button and triggered all the other Hiddlestoners to collapse onto their favorite Loki fleece snuggle blanket in a horny ball of bliss while screaming “I STILL HAVE A CHANCE!!!!”
Eleven months ago, Tom Hiddleston was rumored to be working his blue-eyed British dreamboat game on Elizabeth Olsen. It was a mysterious maybe-relationship filled with denials and decoys and clandestine taxi rides. Six months later, word started going around that Elizabeth Olsen was far too busy to be doing Tom on the regular, and dumped him. But of course, since Tom and Elizabeth were ~so secret~ and sneaky with their relationship, there was a chance the breakup was just a lie meant to throw the Hiddlestans off the scent. Well, New York magazine decided to get to the bottom of it.
Once New York got all their questions about I Saw the Light and The Night Manager (aka the miniseries where you see his ass) and High-Rise (aka the movie where he gets naked on a patio lounger) out of the way, they asked him about his relationship with the third Olsen sister. Not surprisingly, Tom played a little coy.
“Some things have to remain sacred. You could write that I’m single. There’s no ring on this finger.”
Single? No ring on it? How very Beyonce of you Tom. Actually, no – scratch that. I don’t want to get sued. Really though, I love how indirect Tom is. He could teach a class at the Lionel Hutz School of “The Truth“. Is he still boning Elizabeth Olsen? Maybe, maybe not. You could write that he is. You could also write that he’s single. Tom Hiddleston is that teacher who replies “I don’t know, can you?” when you’d ask if you could go to the bathroom.
Here’s more of Tumblr’s maybe-single favorite boy at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of High-Rise last night. Also included is Sienna Miller. I didn’t hear any stories about taken man-poaching expert Sienna Miller trying to get with Tom 0.3 second after they walked off the red carpet, so maybe he really is single.
Tom Hiddleston went on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night to promote all things Hiddleston including the TV mini-series The Night Manager, which comes out in the US next month, and the Hank Williams biopic I Saw The Light, which is out now. Stephen put the panty pudding prince of Tumblr on the spot twice. The first time was when he brought up the fact that Tom Hiddleston’s nalgas became a hashtag after he bared them in The Night Manager, and many Hiddlestoners probably used the picture of his butt to make an exact mold which they spoon with every night. (Stephen Colbert didn’t bring up that last part, but he was probably thinking it.) The second time Colbert put Tom Hiddleston on the spot was when he asked Tom to yodel out a Hank Williams song.
At first Tom refused to fill the ears of the audience with his gorgeous singing voice for free, but he eventually gave in after Stephen started singing “I Saw The Light.” At around the 2:46 mark, watch and listen to country’s hottest new duo since Dolly & Sly:
Stephen Colbert must obviously be a robot or an alien, or both. Because any human who can feel things would immediately cum themselves into a coma if the one and only Tom Hiddleston looked into their eyes while serenading them. Yup, Colbert’s totally a robot alien.
The Plot Thickens (Or Thins, Depending On How Much You Care): Elizabeth Olsen Was Never Asked To Do “Fuller House”
The makers of Making A Murderer are currently working on a second season for Netflix, but they need to hit the red ABORT button on those plans and instead shift their focus to investigating and thoroughly covering the journey to get Michelle Tanner in Fuller House. That American saga has more twists and turns than the Trollsens’ spinning heads when they do a Satanic spell on a bitch.
Many Hiddlestoners in the UK probably spent a piece of their morning wrapping an ACE bandage around their tongue, because they sprained it by licking their TV screen over and over and over again last night.
Tom Hiddleston stars in a BBC miniseries called The Night Manager (it will make its way to the US in April), and on last night’s episode (SPOILER ALERT), his tiny Stottie cake butt cheeks were exposed as he humped Elizabeth Debicki against a wall. The Daily Mail posted the screen shot of Tom’s little peach coming out to play and tweets from people who wanted to smear marmalade on those buns and eat ’em up. A clip of the VERY racy fuck scene (read: it’s not very racy) and Tom’s un-pixelated ass are after the cut. It’s not even close to being the tip moistening and panty destroying scene that Charlie Hunnam’s SoA fuck scene was, but if you have it for Tom Hiddleston, then wrap the seat of your chair in Saran wrap before clicking over.
Here’s the second trailer for High-Rise which stars Tumblr’s favorite fap object Tom Hiddleston as a doctor who moves into a luxurious London apartment building where nothing is as it seems and chaos ensues! If this took place in a luxurious Manhattan apartment building in present day, the line “nothing is as it seems” would refer to the snobby residents finding out that the pool is not saltwater and chaos would ensue after someone leaves a cheap doormat from Target outside their door. (Yes, I read the snobby people message board Urban Baby from time to time.)
High-Rise also stars Jeremy Irons, Luke Evans, Elisabeth Moss and Sienna Miller. It comes out in the UK in March and is expected to come out in the US later this year. This newest trailer uses the Tangerine Dream song from the train scene in Risky Business and it also features a naked Tom Hiddleston sunning his nipples while a magazine covers his crotch. While watching it I wished that his peen would high-rise that magazine right off of his crotch so we could get a good view of it. That didn’t make any sense, but I’m sure you figured out that I was making some pervy comment about wanting to see a boner.
Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston never came out and said, “Yup, our fuck parts rub together every day, all day,” and even she said that her chocha isn’t regularly getting Hiddleston’d. But the tabloids kept saying that they’re 100% a couple… and now Star (via Classicalite) is saying that they’re 100% not a couple anymore.
Star’s source (Hi, Lizzie Olsen’s publicist! I hope you had a good holiday!) says that Elizabeth Olsen didn’t break up with Tom Hiddleston because she was sick of his fans calling her all the time to say, “I hope you die.” That doesn’t bother Elizabeth at all since she’s used to a creepy voice saying, “I hope you die,” when she picks up the phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say that to her every time they call. It’s their way of saying “hello.” The source says that Elizabeth dumped Tom because she doesn’t want to get into anything serious.
“Elizabeth’s so focused on her career. She wasn’t sure she could handle a serious relationship right now.”
I know, Elizabeth Olsen needs an MRI stat, because there must be something wrong with her brain area if she’s choosing to work instead of doing Tom Hiddleston all the time. But really, getting dumped by Elizabeth Olsen may have saved Tom Hiddleston’s life! If they were still together, she would’ve dragged him to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding and if he went to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding, he would’ve ended up coughing up his blackened lungs on the floor as the Trollsens danced around him while cackling.
The craziest members of the Hiddlestoners have been accused of doing some insane shit like jumping on him at events, nearly trampling each other to get an autograph from him, following him home and on and on and on and on… (“Eh, is that all?” said a Cumberbitch before breaking into B. Cums’ bedroom to rub their bare crotch on all of his unworn underwear.) Tom Hiddleston has said before that he’s sick of being asked to take selfies and some of his fans can get obsessive by telling him that he’s solely responsible for certain things that have happened to them in their lives. In other words, some are insane. During an interview with The Guardian to promote Crimson Peak, Tom was asked about his over-obsessed fans and he said these words of polite diplomatic poetry about the whole situation:
“[It’s] an odd experience. But I won’t be the first person to have thought that. I’m only in control of my own integrity. I’m accountable for everything I’ve done and I understand that. Everything else is out of my control.”
That’s either a polite way of saying, “Get some integrity too, you crazy bitches!” or it’s a polite way of letting everyone know that he carries pepper spray and always has a stack of restraining orders in his jacket pocket.
Tumblr’s favorite fap material continued to talk about integrity when he was asked about his public persona:
“I have tried with all my power for there not to be any inauthenticity. There is no version of me presented to you that’s been created or is artificial. The people I’ve always respected have an integrity that is unassailable.”
And he’s so careful about his public persona that he’s not going to talk about politics (take note, rest of Hollywood).
“I’m not in the business of being politically divisive. I don’t want to set a precedent. It’s a private matter. I believe in kindness. I believe very profoundly in that. I believe in bravery and courage, in being true to your word … Very unfashionable.”
The Guardian’s interviewer said that Tom was very careful with his words, because he knows the game and knows that there’s a chance his quotes can be taken out of context. I feel that, because in this interview, he sounded like a cross between Jesus and the hero in a Disney movie. I don’t know whether I want to lay at his Jesus sandals and listen to him talk about “integrity” or help him put his dragon-fighting armor on as he gives a speech about “bravery.” Oh God, I hope that doesn’t mean I’m turning into a fucking Hiddlestoner.
And here’s Tom at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of High Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Sienna Miller who is wearing something that Marcia Brady would wear if she joined a cult in the 70s.