Seen above laughing at their own baby naming joke are Myspace underwear model Tom Hardy and his wife Charlotte Riley, who have rolled out the
red carpet spit-up rags in welcoming their newborn son, whom they have reportedly named after a character in Forrest Gump. I wish like hell that I could report that they named their son Bubba Gump Shrimp Company Hardy, but “sources” say that Tom and Charlotte went boring on us and have instead named their child Forrest Hardy after Forrest Gump himself.
Sorry, Little Monsters – the Twitter trolling didn’t work! Lady Gaga’s fans basically issued a social media edict in the week leading up to the A Star Is Born debut at the box office against Venom, the Tom Hardy-starring comic book movie competing against Gaga. The Little Monsters dragged Tom’s movie and said it was a smelly, fug, grotsky be-yotch (or just said it was a snooze to watch) that nobody should go see. Even though critics seemed to agree, we told you Friday it looked like Tom would win the weekend box office. That’s exactly what happened, but A Star Is Born still did better than people were expecting this weekend.
I guess us thirsty hos who still occasionally look at Tom Hardy’s old MySpace photos are keeping the man in biz — Lady Gaga fans be damned! The same Little Monster army that went HAM on Ed Sheeran for implying she had two good albums and thought she was invincible pivoted to Tom, Michelle Williams and their comic book-based Venom, which opens against Gaga and Bradley Cooper in A Star Is Born this weekend. There was a Twitter Little Monster campaign where Gaga fans tweeted about how bad Venom was…and critics agree. Despite the shit reviews and smear campaign, Venom is on track to take the weekend! Continue reading
Russians may have meddled with the 2016 election by trolling bitches on Twitter, but that may have been small potatoes compared to what Little Monsters will do to make sure Lady Gaga has a number 1 slot at the box office this weekend with A Star Is Born. Early feedback from A Star Has Born has basically been that all other movies should just wait until 2019 to come out because ASIB is going to win all the Oscars…and not just because Beyoncé was no longer attached to it. For some reason, Gaga fans felt threatened by the Marvel crowd because they got pissed over the Tom Hardy and Michelle Williams-led Venom opening the same weekend as Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s BY FAR BEST MOVIE EVER. Now some are saying Gaga stans are taking their Ed Sheeran ire and redirecting it by trolling Venom.
Most people expect to see Michelle Williams exclusively in Oscar bait that leaves you feeling like an emotional freight train hit you. After showing up with Amy Schumer in I Feel Pretty and now with MySpace’s favorite alum Tom Hardy in the comic book genre Venom, some, like me, wondered what she’s doing. While she initially blabbed on about how Tom was really a selling point in signing on, she gave us a huge dose of honesty by saying it sometimes just all comes down to how much she’s getting paid.
Your genitals probably jumped off of your body, ran out the door, threw themselves into a bucket, and begged a kind soul to fill that shit with concrete before throwing ’em into the lake so they can be at peace sleeping with the fishes.
Because Tom Hardy really wants to hear the words “two-time Oscar nominee” said every time his name is announced in a movie trailer, he slathered on forty five layers of cartoony ugly to play Al Capone in the biopic Fonzo. (Yes, I too am pissed that there’s a movie called Fonzo and it’s not about a late-in-life Fonzie or the love child of Gonzo and Fozzie Bear, but that’s not what we’re here to bitch about today.) Fonzo follows Al Capone’s last years alive after he gets out of the clink in 1939 (he died in 1947) and has dementia. It also stars Matt Dillon, Zack from Showgirls, and Linda Cardellini. The producers released the first official picture of Tom Hardy as Al Capone, and they now owe me a new vat of holy water (you should always keep one next to your laptop for reasons like this), because I used mine on this cursed image!
For reference, this is what Al Capone looked like in 1939:
Fotos del Mafioso Al Capone el día que entró en la prisión de Terminal Island en #California en 1939.
— O. Bula Escobar (@omarbula) July 15, 2018
Fuck this world for the fact that Bob Hoskins died without playing Al Capone.
I am definitely not getting Al Capone from that Tom Hardy pic. A zombie Marlon Brando? Yes. An embalmed Bela Lugosi? Sure. A geriatric Gollum as a Dick Tracy villain? I see it. But not Al Capone. That could maybe pass for Al Capone’s half brother who is The Penguin’s son, is perpetually constipated, and got a chemical face peel with battery acid. And yes that half brother’s name is Alfonse Capone.
Pic: Bron Studios