Your genitals probably jumped off of your body, ran out the door, threw themselves into a bucket, and begged a kind soul to fill that shit with concrete before throwing ’em into the lake so they can be at peace sleeping with the fishes.
Because Tom Hardy really wants to hear the words “two-time Oscar nominee” said every time his name is announced in a movie trailer, he slathered on forty five layers of cartoony ugly to play Al Capone in the biopic Fonzo. (Yes, I too am pissed that there’s a movie called Fonzo and it’s not about a late-in-life Fonzie or the love child of Gonzo and Fozzie Bear, but that’s not what we’re here to bitch about today.) Fonzo follows Al Capone’s last years alive after he gets out of the clink in 1939 (he died in 1947) and has dementia. It also stars Matt Dillon, Zack from Showgirls, and Linda Cardellini. The producers released the first official picture of Tom Hardy as Al Capone, and they now owe me a new vat of holy water (you should always keep one next to your laptop for reasons like this), because I used mine on this cursed image!
For reference, this is what Al Capone looked like in 1939:
Fotos del Mafioso Al Capone el día que entró en la prisión de Terminal Island en #California en 1939.
— O. Bula Escobar (@omarbula) July 15, 2018
Fuck this world for the fact that Bob Hoskins died without playing Al Capone.
I am definitely not getting Al Capone from that Tom Hardy pic. A zombie Marlon Brando? Yes. An embalmed Bela Lugosi? Sure. A geriatric Gollum as a Dick Tracy villain? I see it. But not Al Capone. That could maybe pass for Al Capone’s half brother who is The Penguin’s son, is perpetually constipated, and got a chemical face peel with battery acid. And yes that half brother’s name is Alfonse Capone.
Pic: Bron Studios
The venerable Emma Thompson will be joining the ranks of the Dame’ed. According to the Associated Press, Queen Elizabeth II about to get her investiture on, and give Emma the title of Dame Emma. It’s the lady equivalent of a knighthood. Emma will finally be able to join fellow Dames Judi Dench, Julie Andrews, Angela Lansbury, Helen Mirren, Joan Collins and Maggie Smith in the secret underground Dame Fight Club where the only things that land harder than the punches, are the devastating one-liners.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
Disclosure: Tom Hardy can do you wrong in my book so if this post seems biased, it is.
The full trailer for Marvel’s Venom is out and it stars Tom Hardy who is perfect. Tom is so lovely that one might not even question the fact that he’s making some real interesting “choices” in his characterization of Venom. One choice is to have Venom, who I admittedly know nothing about, have some sort of “regional” “accent”. I clearly saw the Golden Gate Bridge so we know he’s supposed to be in San Francisco, but then why does he talk like he’s got mobster marbles in his mouth? It’s as if it was Marlon Brando’s dying wish to play a Marvel superhero and Tom’s magnanimously making that happen for him posthumously. And why does he run into Jenny Slate in what looks like a bodega? There are no bodegas in San Francisco. We have organic corner markets where you have to bring your own jars if you want nut butters or kombucha.
Phony San Francisco aside, the best moment of this trailer comes at 1:35 and honestly, Tom’s choice to go full Three Stooges here is a stroke of pure genius. I’d like to see Daniel Day-Lewis go from slapstick to badass to deranged homeless man in the span of 5 seconds.
I feel like I have actually seen Venom downtown on Market Street before so I take back what I said about San Francisco looking phony. Tom’s selling it and I’m buying.
Here’s the trailer for Venom!
That tongue, tho…
Tom Hardy is the greatest actor of this or any generation (don’t @ me)!
That could be a picture of Tom Hardy waking up from a horrible dream in which he got a Leonardo DiCaprio tattoo and realized IT WASN’T A DREAM, but it’s actually Tom in the first official teaser trailer for Marvel studio’s Venom. This ain’t your mama’s Venom! The college freshman geek charm of Eric from That 70’s Show has been replaced with an angry Tom Hardy in a hospital gown.
Venom isn’t scheduled to come out until October, so there will be at least 10 more trailers. Hopefully one of the trailers will explain the questions I have. Like: Can a basic MRI screening pick up magic angry spider genes? Did Michelle Williams have to put down a damage deposit to borrow Nicole Kidman’s wig from the set of Big Little Lies, or is she on the honor system? Could they not have set up the trailer to mimic one of those daytime TV malpractice lawyer ads? “Did you wake up as an angry buff man-spider and now you’re drowning in medical bills? Call me for justice.”
And for an even-less-human version of Tom Hardy, here’s his wax figure that was unveiled today at Madame Tussauds in London. The Evening Standard says it also has a “soft, warm torso with a beating heart.” It’s probably a good thing they positioned his arm over his crotch. I have a feeling a lot of guests would check to see if every part of him was soft and warm.
Cutesy celebrity wagers are pretentious and annoying but when said wager requires me to scan pictures of Tom Hardy’s biceps on a Wednesday morning, I can let it slide. In 2016, Tom Hardy said that he and his The Revenant co-star Leonardo Dicaprio made a bet about whether or not he’d get an Oscar nomination for getting all ornery and ugly in the film. Leonardo bet that Tom would get an Oscar nom, and Tom thought the opposite. And instead of ruining a man’s life for a single dollar like normal millionaires, Tom and Leo’s bet involved actual flesh and blood.