That could be a picture of Tom Hardy waking up from a horrible dream in which he got a Leonardo DiCaprio tattoo and realized IT WASN’T A DREAM, but it’s actually Tom in the first official teaser trailer for Marvel studio’s Venom. This ain’t your mama’s Venom! The college freshman geek charm of Eric from That 70’s Show has been replaced with an angry Tom Hardy in a hospital gown.
Venom isn’t scheduled to come out until October, so there will be at least 10 more trailers. Hopefully one of the trailers will explain the questions I have. Like: Can a basic MRI screening pick up magic angry spider genes? Did Michelle Williams have to put down a damage deposit to borrow Nicole Kidman’s wig from the set of Big Little Lies, or is she on the honor system? Could they not have set up the trailer to mimic one of those daytime TV malpractice lawyer ads? “Did you wake up as an angry buff man-spider and now you’re drowning in medical bills? Call me for justice.”
And for an even-less-human version of Tom Hardy, here’s his wax figure that was unveiled today at Madame Tussauds in London. The Evening Standard says it also has a “soft, warm torso with a beating heart.” It’s probably a good thing they positioned his arm over his crotch. I have a feeling a lot of guests would check to see if every part of him was soft and warm.
Cutesy celebrity wagers are pretentious and annoying but when said wager requires me to scan pictures of Tom Hardy’s biceps on a Wednesday morning, I can let it slide. In 2016, Tom Hardy said that he and his The Revenant co-star Leonardo Dicaprio made a bet about whether or not he’d get an Oscar nomination for getting all ornery and ugly in the film. Leonardo bet that Tom would get an Oscar nom, and Tom thought the opposite. And instead of ruining a man’s life for a single dollar like normal millionaires, Tom and Leo’s bet involved actual flesh and blood.
Really? I never could have guessed from Tom Hardy looking very unimpressed while posing with Charlize Theron at the Cannes premiere. While promoting Mad Max: Fury Road last year, Charlize Theron candidly spoke about her working relationship with Tom Hardy, saying they “struggled” with each other. Charlize told Esquire that after they were done shooting, Tom gave her a painted portrait of herself with a note on the back that read: “You are an absolute nightmare, BUT you are also fucking awesome. I’ll kind of miss you.”
Zoe Kravitz, who played one of the five kidnapped wives in Mad Max, confirmed on Watch What Happens Live last night that the stories are true, and that they pretty much hated each other.
WARNING: This is the saddest Open Post since that time I actually made a full-on post out of a 43-second video of a kitten playing with a cigarette. But this is a different kind of sad.
Today, The Sun delivered an amazing story about how Tom Hardy single-handedly busted my favorite kind of arrest, a CITIZEN’S ARREST, on a thief in the London suburb of Richmond. Tom also loudly called the thief a “cock.” If you’re saying, “But Michael, you stupid, this is from The Sun, so it’s probably not true,” then I need to tell you to shut your fun-hating lips and stop ruining it for those of us who want to believe that a story about Tom Hardy catching a cock is true! Besides, the cops say it happened.
I know that Stone Cold Tom Hardy is going for, “Bitch, don’t even,” with that pose, but I’m grabbing the ass lube, because to me it looks like he’s saying, “Sit on this, spin and let’s vape afteward.”
Last week, Drew McWeeny, a film critic for HitFix, released a river of rant tweets where he spit at Tom Hardy for keeping him, and other reporters, waiting for hours during a press junket for The Revenant. Drew claimed that Tom has a history of being a shit head to the press and he once took a nap during a junket in Toronto. Drew left The Revenant junket without getting an interview with Tom. For some weird reason, I thought that Tom Hardy would let it go and snuggle with a dog friend instead. But nope, Tom threw up an open letter to Drew on his fansite even though the two exchanged e-mails in private.