One second after that picture was taken, there were no lemons on that tree and the basket was filled with nothing but lemon bits and juice because they all busted from being so close to the goth sexiness of Cher!
The London premiere of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Making An Unneeded Sequel For A Check went down today, and while one of the movie’s main stars, Lily James, wore a damn ball gown (somebody tell her she ain’t Cinderella for real), the REAL star of the movie, Cher, didn’t even try, because she doesn’t need to. She’s Cher, bitch! (copyright: Chad Michaels) While looking like Kat Von D’s dream wedding officiant, Cher proved to the young hos that she doesn’t need to put on some brand new couture gown to kill bitches. Cher pulled one of her old Witches of Eastwick costumes out of storage, dusted it off a bit and threw it on her body as her hair people took the Hot Sticks out of her mane. And even while working an old rag, Cher still outshined them all.
I mean, even Meryl Streep knew that there’s no point in even trying when Cher’s going to be there, which is why she dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher. But then again even if Cher wasn’t there, Meryl would still have dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher.
The names Tom Hanks and Mr. Rogers trended on Twitter today, so naturally people hyperventiliated their lungs off while asking themselves the following questions:
- Did Tom Hanks die?
- Did Mr. Rogers die?
- Did The New York Times publish an exposé about how in the 1980s, Tom Hanks and Mr. Rogers ran an underground child porn ring together?
The good news is, Tom Hanks is still alive. The bad news is, Mr. Rogers is still dead. And the better news is that neither of them have been accused of being sick predators. Not yet, anyway. They trended because Tom is playing Mr. Rogers in a biopic called You Are My Friend.
I’m so used to seeing Oprah Winfrey giving tons of high-energy excitement on the cover of O Magazine, that it’s a little weird to see her working such drabness on the cover of Vanity Fair’s annual Hollywood Issue. I know the theme of ever Hollywood Issue “Stars who forgot to pop an Ambien the night before and only got 2 hours of sleep,” and I’ll applaud Oprah for playing along. But you know there’s a part of her that wanted to drop Reese Witherspoon, rip off that black satin duvet cover to reveal a shimmering jewel-toned gown underneath, throw up her arms and crank a full-tooth smile behind a headline that reads “2018 Is Your Year To SHINE!”
If 2017 taught us anything, it’s that any person with a penis and a shred of power is a scuzzy scuzzy perv who likely did foul things to women and/or potted plants. When Harvey Weinstein’s mess blew up and into the open, everyone waved their pitchforks at Meryl Streep for dabbing herself with Ivanka Trump’s complicit perfume. Now that she has a movie to promote, she’s holding up a mirror to the Trump gals when called an enabler and says, “I know you are, but what am I?!” Continue reading
The Hollywood Hunger Games are being played out here in these streets and most of the town doesn’t even know that they pulled the short straw and have been reaped. Shoot a cannon for Meryl Streep and Rose McGowan. Both were critical players in the nasty game of “she knew” that The Guardian reports was devised by a right wing guerilla artist who goes by the name of Sabo. Turns out, the posters that went up all over Los Angeles this week bearing Meryl’s face with a red banner reading “she knew” across her eyes, were in retaliation for her politics. Her comments about Harvey Weinstein and the subsequent backlash were merely the fuel.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson hosted the Saturday Night Live season finale last night and announced he was running for president, as he threatened in GQ. He also brought out America’s Dad Tom Hanks and announced him as his running mate. I’m on board.
Right now, I’d stump for a facecloth, or a teacup poodle or an impacted molar for POTUS at this point. Literally, ANYTHING would be better than the “berzerker child” option with which America went. Check out The Rock’s monologue, below.
SNL also revisited their post-election cold open. This time, instead of Kate McKinnon covering Hillary Clinton covering Leonard Cohen, it was Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump and the rest of the cast as his administration and family (with a surprise cameo from Scarlett Johansson as Ivanka “Complicit” Trump). Here it is:
Wait, SNL’s done for the season? Where am I going to get my news? Will Anderson Cooper keep insulting the president’s lackeys on CNN? Can we get confirmation on that? That could be my sole news source now if he keeps being a shady lady to stupids.