Seen above laughing at their own baby naming joke are Myspace underwear model Tom Hardy and his wife Charlotte Riley, who have rolled out the
red carpet spit-up rags in welcoming their newborn son, whom they have reportedly named after a character in Forrest Gump. I wish like hell that I could report that they named their son Bubba Gump Shrimp Company Hardy, but “sources” say that Tom and Charlotte went boring on us and have instead named their child Forrest Hardy after Forrest Gump himself.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has yet to find anybody pristine enough to host their little awards show and it’s getting down to the wire. According to The Hollywood Reporter, there have only been 2 times in Oscar history where there hasn’t been a host in place by January 1. Jon Stewart was announced as host on January 5, 2006 and Whoopi Goldberg‘s 4th time hosting the show was announced on January 7, 2002. So there’s still a few days left before a new record is set, but as Kevin Hart proved, even if they pick someone today there’s still the chance that our network of citizen detectives will find out that, say Tom Hanks, once ate a baby on a dare. Then they’d be out a host and we’d never get to see Bosom Buddies rebooted for Netflix.
Contrary to popular belief, Tom Hanks is anything but the nicest guy in show-biz. He proved this recently when he rolled through an In-N-Out in Fontana, California, and purchased artery clogging burgers and fries for everybody in the restaurant. Sure, those people were going to eat that food anyway, but Tom made sure their eventual demise would be hastened by at least 10 milliseconds. Hanks, for nothing, Tom!
One second after that picture was taken, there were no lemons on that tree and the basket was filled with nothing but lemon bits and juice because they all busted from being so close to the goth sexiness of Cher!
The London premiere of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Making An Unneeded Sequel For A Check went down today, and while one of the movie’s main stars, Lily James, wore a damn ball gown (somebody tell her she ain’t Cinderella for real), the REAL star of the movie, Cher, didn’t even try, because she doesn’t need to. She’s Cher, bitch! (copyright: Chad Michaels) While looking like Kat Von D’s dream wedding officiant, Cher proved to the young hos that she doesn’t need to put on some brand new couture gown to kill bitches. Cher pulled one of her old Witches of Eastwick costumes out of storage, dusted it off a bit and threw it on her body as her hair people took the Hot Sticks out of her mane. And even while working an old rag, Cher still outshined them all.
I mean, even Meryl Streep knew that there’s no point in even trying when Cher’s going to be there, which is why she dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher. But then again even if Cher wasn’t there, Meryl would still have dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher.
The names Tom Hanks and Mr. Rogers trended on Twitter today, so naturally people hyperventiliated their lungs off while asking themselves the following questions:
- Did Tom Hanks die?
- Did Mr. Rogers die?
- Did The New York Times publish an exposé about how in the 1980s, Tom Hanks and Mr. Rogers ran an underground child porn ring together?
The good news is, Tom Hanks is still alive. The bad news is, Mr. Rogers is still dead. And the better news is that neither of them have been accused of being sick predators. Not yet, anyway. They trended because Tom is playing Mr. Rogers in a biopic called You Are My Friend.
I’m so used to seeing Oprah Winfrey giving tons of high-energy excitement on the cover of O Magazine, that it’s a little weird to see her working such drabness on the cover of Vanity Fair’s annual Hollywood Issue. I know the theme of ever Hollywood Issue “Stars who forgot to pop an Ambien the night before and only got 2 hours of sleep,” and I’ll applaud Oprah for playing along. But you know there’s a part of her that wanted to drop Reese Witherspoon, rip off that black satin duvet cover to reveal a shimmering jewel-toned gown underneath, throw up her arms and crank a full-tooth smile behind a headline that reads “2018 Is Your Year To SHINE!”