Category: Tom Hanks

Open Post: Hosted By Dwayne Johnson And Tom Hanks Announcing Their Presidential Campaign

May 21, 2017 / Posted by:

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson hosted the Saturday Night Live season finale last night and announced he was running for president, as he threatened in GQ. He also brought out America’s Dad Tom Hanks and announced him as his running mate. I’m on board.

Right now, I’d stump for a facecloth, or a teacup poodle or an impacted molar for POTUS at this point. Literally, ANYTHING would be better than the “berzerker child” option with which America went. Check out The Rock’s monologue, below.

SNL also revisited their post-election cold open. This time, instead of Kate McKinnon covering Hillary Clinton covering Leonard Cohen, it was Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump and the rest of the cast as his administration and family (with a surprise cameo from Scarlett Johansson as Ivanka “Complicit” Trump). Here it is:

Wait, SNL’s done for the season? Where am I going to get my news? Will Anderson Cooper keep insulting the president’s lackeys on CNN? Can we get confirmation on that? That could be my sole news source now if he keeps being a shady lady to stupids.

Pic: YouTube

Blake Lively Went With The “Raggedy Cruise Ship Dancer” Look For The People’s Choice Awards

January 19, 2017 / Posted by:

If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.

Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.

Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.

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Open Post: Hosted By Nicole Kidman In Taylor Swift Circa 2007 Cosplay

January 3, 2017 / Posted by:

Oh, Nicole, Nicole, please save your Taylor Swift role-play costumes for your bedroom times with Keith Urban. Our eyes don’t need it!

Hmmm, I don’t remember seeing a badly made Taylor Swift wax figure on the guest list,” said the organizers of the opening gala of the Palm Springs International Festival last night when Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet in one of Elle Fanning’s old dresses that her kids doodled on. That dress was made by Dior, but it looks more like something from David Bridal’s collection of wedding clothes inspired by Angelina Jolie’s doodled-on wedding dress. That whole look is giving me a Big situation. Because of that end-of-the-night prom hair and that dress from Justice, it looks like a little girl took over her body and made all of the design decisions for her. It’s a little Whatever Happened To Baby Jane goes to spring formal.

Thankfully, glamorous savior Suzanne Somers once again cleansed the red carpet of messy dreadfulness with her Ann Jillian razor cut, Wayland Flowers-approved rouge and L’eggs covered legs.

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If it went with her ensemble, I’d say that Suzanne Somers should get a Medal of Honor for saving events with her sparkly glamour!

And here’s more pics from the Palm Springs International Film Festival including Natalie Portman wearing Darth Vader maternity chic and Pharrell Williams looking like the manager at a matador-themed gay club that only plays songs from the 80s.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

All Of The Important People In The World Were At The Adele Concert Last Night

February 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Everyone who you’re not and never will be was at the Adele show in LA last night. Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, and John Mayer were among the crowd screaming like the final girl in a horror movie when Adele went “Hello…”.

Here’s some slightly blurry and sort of far-away shots of the various celebrities entering and/or exiting the theater. Let’s see, there’s Katy Perry’s ass arriving. As you will note in those particular shots, I type that literally. Later on, you get to see her and Orlando Bloom exiting out of the VIP fire escape. Katy’s coat is giving me an uncomfortable feeling because it bears an eerie resemblance to my apricot-colored teacup poodle. For serious, his fur is the exact shade and consistency as that piece of apparel. He’s still here and not skinned. I checked. The last thing I need is some pop skeeve with breasts that shoot non-lactate substances breaking into my home and de-furring my dog.

There’s Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone exiting the side door as well. Joy seems to be trying to assist Ms. Stone in navigating those stairs. Drunks! But who doesn’t get shittoed at concerts? It should be noted that someone at the Wiltern obviously hates celebs. Making tricks who can afford the really quality booze and drugs exit down a really high staircase post-concert is asking for ambulances. I’m not judging!

According to TMZ, John Mayer was in attendance with a new lucky lady who’s hopefully had all of her shots. I hope there was some weirdness between him and Katy and Legolas. Legolas is the kind of douche who will slap at another douche so perhaps their celebrity skyboxes got crossed somehow and there was friction.

In lower-tier famous news, David Foster and Gayle King (see below) were on the premises. Wait, are they dating? Does that Lyme-disease claimin’ Yolanda Foster chick know that her ex is stepping out with Oprah’s lady? Shit, does Oprah know? Gayle better proceed with caution. Or the next president she’ll be interviewing will be at the Career Center because O will consign her to the curb.

Check out more pics of Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, David Foster, and Gayle King in the gallery.

Pics: Splash

Chet Haze Blames The Bad Shit For His Rant About Using The N-Word

October 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Chet Haze, the child that Iggy Azalea and Vanilla Ice left on Tom Hanks’ doorstep 25 years ago (I did the math and it totally adds up!), is back!

About 4 months ago, Chet Haze (born name: Chester Marlon Hanks) let us all know that ain’t nobody can hold Chet Haze down and that includes the haters who kept telling him to stop saying “nigga.” Back then, he said that the n-word is something he uses with the people he loves and everyone should be able to use it. I figured that Chet Haze was just high on Chet Haze, but it turns out he was cracked out of his skull. Chet Haze has returned to Instagram and in a series of a hundred (at least) dark ass videos, he says that he’s in rehab to clean himself up, because his addiction to coke got so bad that his nose clogged up and he started smoking crack. Inhaling the bad shit and the pressures of being the son of a movie star got to Chet and turned him into someone he’s not, so he took himself to rehab. Here’s a piece of what Chet said:

Hey, I just wanna say that I know my name’s been in the media about me going missing or getting kidnapped or something. I want to let y’all now, I’ve been in rehab trying to get my shit together and I’m doing pretty damn good. You know what I’m saying? I just had to really take a look at myself and my life and the way shit was going and all the crazy stupid shit I was doing and just finally admit to myself that it wasn’t working. And I had to try something new and that thing was to not do any drugs or alcohol.

And you know another thing is that stuff I was in the media about the n-word and everything. I know a lot of y’all kinda understood the point I was trying to make, but the truth is, it’s not my place to speak on that and I’m genuinely sorry for the people that I offended.

A couple of months ago, I was selling coke, doing coke until I couldn’t even snort it up my nose anymore because it was so clogged. I even smoked crack. If I can change, you can change. There is a solution.

If 35 years ago, you asked me to guess which one of the cast members of Bosom Buddies would one day be the parent of a crack-smoking, n-word throwing white rapper, I’d say to you, “goo goo ga gaaaaa droool,” because I was a baby then. But if I could speak English words, I’d guess Sonny. Totally Sonny.

Chet also says in one of his videos that if you are struggling, DM him and he’ll talk to you about it. I struggle with still finding Chet Haze hot after all the shit he’s said, but I’m not going to DM him, because I don’t think he can help me with that. And if you need to see all of Chet Haze’s videos, click here. It’s like a reboot of Blair Witch written by Eminem.

Tom Hanks And Rita Wilson Have Told Their Son To Stay Off Social Media

June 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Chet Haze, the aspiring trust fund “rapper” and British hotel-trashing n-word enthusiast who is now trying to go by the name “Chet Hanx” (because he wants to bring even more shame to his family’s name, I guess) told TMZ that he recently got some very good advice from his parents, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. According to Chet, mommy and daddy have told their 24-year-old son that it may be time to put down the iPhone they definitely paid for and stop posting every dumb thought that escapes from his brain. Finally – confirmation that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are as embarrassed of the shit their son says as the rest of us are.

“My parents, like, they be telling me just to, like, ‘Stay off social media, period’. Like, even before this happened, they would, like, be like, ‘Hey, you know, like, don’t be on Instagram so much.’ But they’re the old generation. They don’t get it. Like, this is the new generation. We do things differently now. You know what I mean? You either gonna get it or you’re not gonna get it.”

If you want to see what it would look like if Forrest Gump had a grandson who was best friends with C-Czar from Kroll Show, here’s the video of Chet’s conversation with TMZ. He also talks about how it’s OK for him to use the n-word, because he identifies with black culture and that it’s an unspoken thing that “white people use that term.” That loud thumping sound you just heard was Tom and Rita banging their heads against their kitchen table.

Pic: Instagram

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