We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Fresh off from looking Melania Trump up and down before saying that he’d never dress her because she’s simply not his image, Tom Ford has opened up his brain to GQ and released thought bubbles on everything from puppies dying to his son’s tacky shoes to the abomination that is sweatpants to how men truly aren’t woke until their buttholes are awoken by a hard dick (or a dildo). And thanks to that last one, Professor Tom Ford has just replaced Professor Megan Fox as my favorite brain fart producer.
Flip-flops in the city, man shorts, waxed crotches and fame whores using their babies to get attention are just a few of things that Tom Ford can’t be bothered with. And now you can add Melania Trump’s name to that list.
If Tom Ford isn’t exaggerating, then the crotch crabs of the world probably whisper in each other’s ears about a magical land where the tall, luscious and mighty pubes grow wild and there’s enough room for all of them to freely frolic. That magical land exists on a human called Jake Gyllenhaal. Every crotch crab probably spends their entire life trying to get to that dick bush Shangri-La.
That haircut may be questionable, but it’s still no question that I would.
While Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s hair screamed army hipster dude and his beefed-up Ball Park frank body was squeezed into a tux, he posed with wife Sam Taylor-Johnson at the Venice Film Festival premiere of Nocturnal Animals today. Nocturnal Animals is Tom Ford’s second movie as a director and besides ATJ, it also stars Amy Adams, Jake Gyllenhaal, Isla Fisher, Michael Shannon, Laura Linney, Michael Sheen and Armie Hammer. I skimmed through a few reviews from Venice and most of them were good and a few of them said that this is the MOVIE OF THE YEAR. Others said that Amy Adams’ performance may have earned her a place next to Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Julianne Moore in the It Took Fucking Long Enough But I Finally Got My Oscar club.
While reading the reviews, I noticed that Nocturnal Animals got an R-rating for “graphic nudity,” among other things. The “graphic nudity” may go down in this scene (via The Hollywood Reporter):
An eye-opening sequence that plays under the opening titles features a hefty middle-aged burlesque dancer in drum-majorette accessories but otherwise naked, dancing in front of a red curtain.
If that’s the only scene in the movie that has “graphic nudity” in it, then Tom Ford needs to retire from directing movies forever! I mean, if your movie has “graphic nudity,” as well as Jake Gyllenhaal and Aaron Taylor-Johnson in it, and none of the “graphic nudity” is done by either them, then you cannot be considered a serious auteur. I’m sure that’s one of the laws of cinema.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!