The boys in the Scientology bathhouse are going to pop some barley seeds and tip toe up to David Miscavige’s throne room where they’ll press their ears up against his door and hope to hear Tom Cruise screeching and hollering over a speaker phone call while crying about how he saw Jamie Foxx and HER in Paree!
Mission: Impossible 6 doesn’t come out until July 2018 and I haven’t seen one second of Vanessa Kirby’s acting in it, but I’m already pushing for her to win an Oscar in 2019. I mean, in the kissing scene that was shot yesterday in Paris, Vanessa truly had to struggle for her craft while holding in her breath to keep herself from inhaling the bullshit fumes that constantly waft out of Tom Cruise’s mouth. Tommy also deserves some credit. It must’ve been very weird for him to have a nose touch his face. He’s not used to noses touching his face. He’s used to the noses of Scientologists shoving into his butt cleft as they lick on his royal Scientolohole.
It’s been almost five years since Katie Holmes climbed down an escape rope made of bed sheets from a high floor window in the Scientology Celebrity Centre and raaaan, raaaan, raaan to freedom. Since then, there’s been rumors that Tom Cruise has auditioned possible beard wives, but either he rejected them or they had the sense to turn down the Jesus of Scientology. The always-correct InTouchWeekly says that Tommy thinks that he may have finally found the lucky woman (read: future prisoner) whom he will woo (read: promise her further fame and fortune while passing her a long-term contract to sign), marry in a lavish ceremony (read: a ceremony where Scientology scientists will replace her brain with a hard drive ) and make sweet love to (read: bust a thetan-covered load of baby batter into a turkey baster that she will be inseminated with). And that lucky woman is apparently British actress Vanessa Kirby.
Too many handjob jokes, too little time.
Star of gay rumors Jeremy Renner has done two Mission: Impossible movies with Tom Cruise, and now it’s fellow star of gay rumors Henry Canvill’s turn to hear Tommy snap at him, “Bitch, you better slouch and bend those knees, because these heels can’t grow on their own.” Production on Mission: Impossible 6 was reportedly on hold, because Tommy wanted more points in his back-end (don’t we all, Tommy?) or something. Well, it looks like Tommy’s back-end is going to get those points he wanted, because production is back on and director Christopher McQuarrie is adding to the cast.
Pro-Scientology warrior turned anti-Scientology warrior, Leah Remini, was on Real Time with Bill Maher the other night to talk about the cult of crazies she used to belong to and promote Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath on A&E. While talking to Bill Maher, Leah said that Tom Cruise is the end all and be all of Scientology, so if he left, the Celebrity Centre would crumble, audit tapes would melt and John Travolta would be seen skipping while singing about how he’s free now.
I didn’t get to see the first part of Leah Remini’s takedown of Scientology on A&E last night, because I was busy catching up on the intellectual docuseries that chronicles the genuine trials and tribulations of real women in the south (aka The Real Housewives of Atlanta). It’s in my DVR and I want to watch it, but I have a feeling it just confirms what many of us have known for a long time: Scientology is as evil and deceitful as the filler air in a new bag of potato chips.
To promote her A&E docuseries, Leah did a really damn interesting Reddit AMA yesterday and unlike her old cult, she kept is 100% real. Leah said that Little Lord David Miscavige definitely knows that Scientology is a scam, she doesn’t really know what happened to Shelly Miscavige (she added “Ask the LAPD“), sexual abuse definitely exists in the cult and that Tom Cruise is their Jesus!