Looks like Tom Cruise‘s “No Dating For Five Years” clause in his divorce from Katie Holmes is really over. Like REALLY over. I mean we got Katie’s rep to give a seven-word statement on the matter last month and now we have pictures of them together? Fuck me, my head is spinning from all this BREAKING NEWS in the world of FoxHol. Continue reading
Open Post: Hosted By Angela Bassett Serving Bedazzled Squished Chichis At The Paris “Mission: Impossible – Fallout” Premiere
If you want to see an ugly cluster of tragic and homely fashions and don’t have access to my closet, get into the gallery below for the Paris premiere of Mission: Impossible – Fallout yesterday. Henry Cavill wore a raggedy suit that looks like it was tailored by someone who wasn’t amused by the butt corn kernel he spit out about #MeToo. Rebecca Ferguson wore something that Breathless Mahoney would wear if Breathless Mahoney shopped at T.J. Maxx (my mom is going to double slap me down with her TJX Rewards card for this T.J. Maxx slander). And Tommy Cruise stuffed himself into the same old boring stock broker manager suit he always wears, and paired it with the same old tired cha-cha heels. But thankfully, a bright shining messy star in the form of Angela Bassett saved the drab day.
Angela’s face was snatched like a Thundercat sucking on a lemon, and she figured she’d give the kids heart palpitations by making her stylist rip the lining out of her freakum jumpsuit. I bet that even Tom Cruise stared at Angela’s goodies in that jumpsuit, but only because all those stars and shit remind him of the flight path through the galaxy he and the other high-ranking queens of Scientology are going to take when they go back to their home planet.
And that muffled scream you’re hearing is from Angela’s titty balls gasping for air as they’re being choked by bedazzled netting in the name of glamour. Seeing Angela’s smooshed chest domes makes me want to call 911 for them, and she just so happens to star in a show called 9-1-1. So she’s really promoting two projects at once. A marketing genius!
Hey guys, hope you had a good 4th of July. It was hard for me to work up even a modicum of patriotism this year, but since I had the day off, I wore black, scowled and drank wine all day like a real French bitch. Speaking of patriotism, Miles Teller, Shia LaBeouf’s less talented, boorish evil twin, just nabbed the role of Goose Jr. in the upcoming Top Gun sequel, Top Gun 2: Bottoms Up. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Miles will be playing the son of Anthony Edwards‘ characterNick “Goose” Bradshaw, who died in the original. Meg Ryan played Goose’s wife Carol, so canonically she’s Miles’ mom.
While some of us are sitting over here disgusted with Scarlett Johansson’s “Carol Brady if Carol Brady let Jan Brady give her a haircut” hair, she’s disgusted over the old story that she was one of several women who auditioned to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.
The tale that it’s older than John Travolta’s favorite possum wig is that after Tommy’s beard contract with Penelope Cruz expired, the head crazies at Scientology set out to find him a girlfriend who’d embrace the LSD-induced ramblings of L. Ron Hubbard, unlike stupid nonbelievers Nicole Kidman and Penelope, and become the Princess of Scientology. Scientology supposedly held an “audition” in 2004 that included ScarJo. An ex-employee of Scientology and Sea Org was on Megyn Kelly’s hour of Today yesterday and said he saw ScarJo’s name on a report about the Tommy girlfriend auditions. Megyn Kelly is exploding with happiness since her show, Ambien Presents The Boring Hour Of Who Cares Shit, finally got some attention, but ScarJo is pissed.
I know when you think about Cher so many words come to mind: Iconic. Legendary. Timeless. Well, get ready to start thinking of another: Hero. Not only does Cher gift the world with the best Twitter feed of human existence and constantly hate on Donald Trump: she also saves lives! Cher out here truly doing the Lord’s work!
The shady boys in the Scientology Celebrity Centre bathhouse are going to be busy today, Photoshopping David Miscavige behind Tom Cruise in that screen shot.
Filming on the 984th Mission: Impossible movie, now called Mission: Impossible – Fallout went on hiatus for a while last year after Tommy Cruise fucked up his ankle during a stunt gone wrong. Video of Tommy making Leah Remini cackle by cracking his ankle made the rounds last year, but on The Graham Norton Show, he shared a slow-mo close-up clip of that mess. M:I – Fallout doesn’t come out until the summer, but Tommy, Rebecca Ferguson, Henry Cavill and Simon Pegg were on Graham Norton to sell that shit extra early.
The minion who told Tommy that he didn’t need to wear his lifts for this stunt is probably sitting in a cell at Gold Base. Because if Tommy wore his all-mighty lifts, the building would’ve broke, not his ankle. You can practically hear the Thetans screech when it breaks.
A bitch IS Tommy Cruise spending a mountain of money and zillions of hours to become a high-level Scientologist with superpowers, and yet he still breaks bones like us mortal peasants. The Scientology slaves who feed grapes to Tommy as he lounges on his throne better start dipping those grapes in some crushed Boniva.