It’s been almost five years since Katie Holmes climbed down an escape rope made of bed sheets from a high floor window in the Scientology Celebrity Centre and raaaan, raaaan, raaan to freedom. Since then, there’s been rumors that Tom Cruise has auditioned possible beard wives, but either he rejected them or they had the sense to turn down the Jesus of Scientology. The always-correct InTouchWeekly says that Tommy thinks that he may have finally found the lucky woman (read: future prisoner) whom he will woo (read: promise her further fame and fortune while passing her a long-term contract to sign), marry in a lavish ceremony (read: a ceremony where Scientology scientists will replace her brain with a hard drive ) and make sweet love to (read: bust a thetan-covered load of baby batter into a turkey baster that she will be inseminated with). And that lucky woman is apparently British actress Vanessa Kirby.
Too many handjob jokes, too little time.
Star of gay rumors Jeremy Renner has done two Mission: Impossible movies with Tom Cruise, and now it’s fellow star of gay rumors Henry Canvill’s turn to hear Tommy snap at him, “Bitch, you better slouch and bend those knees, because these heels can’t grow on their own.” Production on Mission: Impossible 6 was reportedly on hold, because Tommy wanted more points in his back-end (don’t we all, Tommy?) or something. Well, it looks like Tommy’s back-end is going to get those points he wanted, because production is back on and director Christopher McQuarrie is adding to the cast.
Pro-Scientology warrior turned anti-Scientology warrior, Leah Remini, was on Real Time with Bill Maher the other night to talk about the cult of crazies she used to belong to and promote Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath on A&E. While talking to Bill Maher, Leah said that Tom Cruise is the end all and be all of Scientology, so if he left, the Celebrity Centre would crumble, audit tapes would melt and John Travolta would be seen skipping while singing about how he’s free now.
I didn’t get to see the first part of Leah Remini’s takedown of Scientology on A&E last night, because I was busy catching up on the intellectual docuseries that chronicles the genuine trials and tribulations of real women in the south (aka The Real Housewives of Atlanta). It’s in my DVR and I want to watch it, but I have a feeling it just confirms what many of us have known for a long time: Scientology is as evil and deceitful as the filler air in a new bag of potato chips.
To promote her A&E docuseries, Leah did a really damn interesting Reddit AMA yesterday and unlike her old cult, she kept is 100% real. Leah said that Little Lord David Miscavige definitely knows that Scientology is a scam, she doesn’t really know what happened to Shelly Miscavige (she added “Ask the LAPD“), sexual abuse definitely exists in the cult and that Tom Cruise is their Jesus!
As Katie Holmes silently weeps about no longer watching Jamie Foxx’s meaty chichis bounce up and down as he humps her (although, they may not be over), her ex-master Tom Cruise is apparently getting serious with a chick who needs to run, run, ruuuuuuuun, while she still can!
Late last year, The Telegraph said that Tom Cruise was selling his estate near Scientology’s headquarters in England. That news made nearly everyone tape their windows up, because we knew that David Miscavige would holler out a glass-breaking scream if Scientology’s reigning Jesus quit that bitch. Little Lord Davey isn’t going to bruise his vocal cords from screaming over Tommy leaving anytime soon. Because at the London premiere of Jack Reach Around 2 last week, Scientology’s prince farted out nothing but sweet talk about his beautiful religion.