Somewhere Ted Haggard is reading that headline and falling in love with 19-year-old Tom Cruise.
Curtis Armstrong is best known to me as Bert Viola from Moonlighting, but he was also Booger in Revenge of the Nerds was in Risky Business with a then 19-year-old Tommy Cruise. Curtis wrote his memoir, Revenge of the Nerd, and an actor can’t put out a memoir unless they fill it with juicy shit about other actors. So Curtis wrote about working with Tommy and said that he was a strict square who never wanted to go to the bar with them. Before Tommy was the Jesus of Scientology, he was reading about the real Jesus. Curtis writes that Tommy was a born again and like any good born again, he balanced his bible study with getting his dick sucked by randoms.
The Mummy was the wet turd of the North American box office last weekend (it’s done a lot better internationally, though) and most critics seems to think it’s as interesting and exciting as a dried skid mark clinging to a piece of toilet paper in the trash can. Variety did a story on what went wrong with the movie that was supposed to start Universal’s “Dark Universe” series off right. They say that a lot of the blame is on Tom Cruise’s big, sloppy, throbbing ego and Universal giving him way too much control. Universal apparently wanted a blockbuster horror movie and they got another Tom Cruise movie.
Two weeks ago, Tom Cruise confirmed that a sequel to the 1986 bro flick Top Gun was definitely happening and said that filming was probably going to start next year. Val Kilmer has let it be known he’s totally available to slip into his sexy flight jammies. I’m assuming that’s what those bulge-enhancing fighter pilot onesies are called.
No, this is not some sort of bizarre High School Musical/A Few Good Men erotic fan-fiction. A little-too-shredded-now-for-twink-porn Zac Efron and petite cultist Tom Cruise appeared on Graham Norton’s show to
butt-plug various projects. While there, Zac showed off some pole-dancing skills as Tom probably stained his secret thong. All I know is, that’s a lot of gay in once place (not that that’s a bad thing).
Graham showed a pic of Zac holding himself sideways on a parking meter, which led to Graham making Zac showing off that trick with a stripper pole. So much subtext! How did Zac react when Tom asked him to show that trick again “on the pole back at my hotel room?” My favorite part of this was Tom’s reaction to the photo. According to People:
When Norton asked Efron if the picture had been photoshopped, fellow exercise enthusiast Cruise said, “No, he’s doing it.”
I’m assuming that People graciously left out “Tom said in a husky voice, while surreptitiously wiping the lust drool off his perpetually smiling face.”
Watch Zac Efron handle his pole for his biggest fan, below.
The boys in the Scientology bathhouse are going to pop some barley seeds and tip toe up to David Miscavige’s throne room where they’ll press their ears up against his door and hope to hear Tom Cruise screeching and hollering over a speaker phone call while crying about how he saw Jamie Foxx and HER in Paree!
Mission: Impossible 6 doesn’t come out until July 2018 and I haven’t seen one second of Vanessa Kirby’s acting in it, but I’m already pushing for her to win an Oscar in 2019. I mean, in the kissing scene that was shot yesterday in Paris, Vanessa truly had to struggle for her craft while holding in her breath to keep herself from inhaling the bullshit fumes that constantly waft out of Tom Cruise’s mouth. Tommy also deserves some credit. It must’ve been very weird for him to have a nose touch his face. He’s not used to noses touching his face. He’s used to the noses of Scientologists shoving into his butt cleft as they lick on his royal Scientolohole.