The shady boys in the Scientology Celebrity Centre bathhouse are going to be busy today, Photoshopping David Miscavige behind Tom Cruise in that screen shot.
Filming on the 984th Mission: Impossible movie, now called Mission: Impossible – Fallout went on hiatus for a while last year after Tommy Cruise fucked up his ankle during a stunt gone wrong. Video of Tommy making Leah Remini cackle by cracking his ankle made the rounds last year, but on The Graham Norton Show, he shared a slow-mo close-up clip of that mess. M:I – Fallout doesn’t come out until the summer, but Tommy, Rebecca Ferguson, Henry Cavill and Simon Pegg were on Graham Norton to sell that shit extra early.
The minion who told Tommy that he didn’t need to wear his lifts for this stunt is probably sitting in a cell at Gold Base. Because if Tommy wore his all-mighty lifts, the building would’ve broke, not his ankle. You can practically hear the Thetans screech when it breaks.
A bitch IS Tommy Cruise spending a mountain of money and zillions of hours to become a high-level Scientologist with superpowers, and yet he still breaks bones like us mortal peasants. The Scientology slaves who feed grapes to Tommy as he lounges on his throne better start dipping those grapes in some crushed Boniva.
In the opening scene of 2008’s Valkyrie, Tom Cruise gets knocked over by an explosion and as he gets up, he sticks dat ass out and it looks like he’s presenting his hungry hole to a top. An ass aficionado (assicionado?) on Twitter, perfectly named @iluvbutts247, noticed the giant Tempur-Pedic peach on Tom’s ass area, and in their expert opinion, it looked like he was wearing the pillow bump that Katie Holmes allegedly wore as the real Suri Cruise was being grown in a Scientology lab on Gold Base. But while Tommy may be a big fake ass, he didn’t wear one in Valkyrie, or so he says.
Nicole Kidman has four children: two she adopted while married to Tom Cruise (Isabella and Connor), and with her husband Keith Urban (Sunday and Faith). But according to Nicole at the Emmys last night, she’s only got two. I think you can guess which two got that coveted acceptance speech name-drop.
An eagle-eyed butt connoisseur was watching Tom Cruise in Valkyrie and noticed that the star’s ass looked suspiciously juicy. He screen captured the image and #tooktotwitter to posit a theory that the diminutive actor wears a fake butt.
To her credit, she could have gone a lot further. She left out psychotic, overly short, prefers his wives to be subservient cyborgs, crazy-eyed, jumps on couches, as well as “once starred in a stock-car racing movie.” And I’m not even going to mention my belief that he once put on an all-male, all-nude musical production of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane alongside John Travolta and the rest of the L. Ron Hubbard’s Men’s Choir.
Scientology’s least favorite actress Leah Remini took part in a Reddit AMA on Tuesday about her show, A&E’s Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath. In it, Leah referred to petite cultist Tom Cruise as “diabolical.” I know how you feel, Leah. I saw Valkyrie, too.
Tom Cruise learned a very hard lesson earlier this week: that no matter how hard you visualize yourself flying in your private Scientology human-to-god training with David Miscavige, you aren’t actually able to fly. Tom Cruise brought some accidental AFV antics to the set of Mission: Impossible 6 in London on Sunday when he failed twice to successfully complete a jump from the roof of one building to another while rigged up to a harness.
E! News says Tom’s results are in, and he’s got a broken ankle. Calm down, John Travolta, I’m sure Tom will let you be the first to sign his cast. Paramount Pictures released a statement about Tom’s injury letting everyone know that Tom is ok, but filming has been suspended for the time being.
“During production on the latest Mission: Impossible film, Tom Cruise broke his ankle while performing a stunt. Production will go on hiatus while Tom makes a full recovery, and the film remains on schedule to open July 27, 2018. Tom wants to thank you all for your concern and support and can’t wait to share the film with everyone next summer.”
It probably doesn’t have to be that long of a break (no pun intended). They could just throw Tom in a cast and shoot him behind a series of desks, plants, and moving boxes. And if they really need him to look like he’s in constant motion, which he usually is in those movies, they could edit out his crutches in post-production and outfit him with a special running cast. Just don’t forget to add a little 3-inch plaster lift at the bottom! You wouldn’t want him hobbling around with one foot at his natural height.