The only thing more suspect than Tom Brady’s deflated balls is how he two-stepped over from pregnant ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan and got with Gisele Bundchen. Gisl has already blabbed in the past about how it was kind of messy (Tom and Bridget didn’t know she was pregnant when they split…but still) and even thought about dumping his ass. When Bridget named their kid John Edward Thomas (the same initials as New England Patriots rival the New York Jets), most people thought that was her saying exactly how she felt. Now, Bridget wrote an essay and seems to be kind of peachy with how things ended up. Dammit, what’s with all the happiness in this jaded world?!
If you saw that “Gronk” was trending on Twitter yesterday and thought to yourself, “Is that the guy from Emperor’s New Groove? Why is he trending?” I have news for you: That character’s name is Kronk. With a K.
29-year-old Rob Gronkowski announced that he’s retiring from the game of football and apparently people care. TMZ is reporting that my uncle is finally going to read one of my posts on this site because it’s about one of his favorite football players retiring. The New England Patriot tight end (which is also the name of my Grindr profile) announced on Instagram that he is leaving pro football after almost ten years in the sport.
We already knew Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady share weird as fuck diets of no sugar, no strawberries, and basically no fun. Given the no fun in their day-to-day life, it should come as no shock they wouldn’t have any fun gearing up for their tenth anniversary today. That must be it because how else can you explain them sharing a jet from Los Angeles to Boston yesterday with Robert Kraft, the Patriots owner who got busted in a sex trafficking sting!?!?!
Whew, Daniel Radcliffe, lightning bolt-headed magic child, no. I am currently typing this post 10 minutes south of Boston, deep in the heart of Pats Nation so I’m in the know. And you don’t have to believe me but BELIEVE ME – you better fling a leg over your Quidditch broom and zoom your Hufflepuff whatever ass out of this dimension. Because Pats Nation is CRAY over the GOAT (aka New England Patriots golden boy Tom Brady) and they will come for you. These people don’t care that Tom Brady supports #Twitler. They wouldn’t care if he supported the actual Hitler! Tom Brady could be slapping puppies in the middle of Faneuil Hall wearing a BUILD THE WALL t-shirt while simultaneously doing all of their wives and heterosexual New England men would still be lining up to blow him. *crickets* Uh, yeah, Daniel Radcliffe called Tom Brady out for supporting Trump.
Yesterday, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady clinched his spot to return to the Super Bowl for the ninth time, and all the Brady fan boys jizzed their pants with excitement. Meanwhile, over at the Whitest house in America, a very moist in his nether regions Donald Trump also pursed his lips together to kiss both of Brady’s butt cheeks by tweeting out his congrats after their win.
Most of us here in Boston assume Bridget Moynihan purposefully cuts out Brazil in the maps inside her kids’ geography textbooks and that Gisele Bundchen barfs anytime she sees Coyote Ugly playing on TBS. It’s well known that when Tom Brady hooked up with Gisele, he found out two months later that Bridget was pregnant with his baby. When Bridget gave birth, she named him John “Jack” Edward Thomas Moynahan, which us petty hos clapped at since “JET” happens to also be the name of the New England Patriots’ biggest rival. We all assumed the Haus of Bundchen and the Haus of Moynahan must loathe each other, but Gisele is out hawking her memoir, and says she’s actually cool with Tom’s ex.