We already knew Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady share weird as fuck diets of no sugar, no strawberries, and basically no fun. Given the no fun in their day-to-day life, it should come as no shock they wouldn’t have any fun gearing up for their tenth anniversary today. That must be it because how else can you explain them sharing a jet from Los Angeles to Boston yesterday with Robert Kraft, the Patriots owner who got busted in a sex trafficking sting!?!?!
Whew, Daniel Radcliffe, lightning bolt-headed magic child, no. I am currently typing this post 10 minutes south of Boston, deep in the heart of Pats Nation so I’m in the know. And you don’t have to believe me but BELIEVE ME – you better fling a leg over your Quidditch broom and zoom your Hufflepuff whatever ass out of this dimension. Because Pats Nation is CRAY over the GOAT (aka New England Patriots golden boy Tom Brady) and they will come for you. These people don’t care that Tom Brady supports #Twitler. They wouldn’t care if he supported the actual Hitler! Tom Brady could be slapping puppies in the middle of Faneuil Hall wearing a BUILD THE WALL t-shirt while simultaneously doing all of their wives and heterosexual New England men would still be lining up to blow him. *crickets* Uh, yeah, Daniel Radcliffe called Tom Brady out for supporting Trump.
Yesterday, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady clinched his spot to return to the Super Bowl for the ninth time, and all the Brady fan boys jizzed their pants with excitement. Meanwhile, over at the Whitest house in America, a very moist in his nether regions Donald Trump also pursed his lips together to kiss both of Brady’s butt cheeks by tweeting out his congrats after their win.
Most of us here in Boston assume Bridget Moynihan purposefully cuts out Brazil in the maps inside her kids’ geography textbooks and that Gisele Bundchen barfs anytime she sees Coyote Ugly playing on TBS. It’s well known that when Tom Brady hooked up with Gisele, he found out two months later that Bridget was pregnant with his baby. When Bridget gave birth, she named him John “Jack” Edward Thomas Moynahan, which us petty hos clapped at since “JET” happens to also be the name of the New England Patriots’ biggest rival. We all assumed the Haus of Bundchen and the Haus of Moynahan must loathe each other, but Gisele is out hawking her memoir, and says she’s actually cool with Tom’s ex.
Barstool Sports posted this picture on their Instagram yesterday of one hungry, hungry hippo earning its PhD in Butt Munching by swallowing that ass cheek up. Or maybe that hippo is a political performance artiste and this its way of commenting on the shit we have to deal with every time we look at the news.
You would think that Tom Brady would look at that picture and giggle while clapping endlessly over those silly hippos before Gisele Bundchen screamed at him that his afternoon snack of grass-fed grass crackers and organic air was ready, but he got it! The low watt, almost-burnt-out bulb in his head lit up and he got it was a joke about rimming, and he related.
Tom slipped into the comments and added three laugh-crying emojis with a “yep.” So I take back what I’ve said over and over again about Tom only eating grass, air, and organic water. Tom eats grass, air, organic water, and ASS! Or maybe that’s not what Tom is saying. Maybe Tom’s not the one who takes his tongue on a journey around Gis’ outer rim. Great, I just gave myself the image of Tom hopping out of the shower all giddy-like before spreading those cheeks and presenting his hole to his wife. No, Gis isn’t stupid. She can’t trust him to not mouth burp out some image-ruining crap about Trump to the press, and so she sure as hell can’t trust him to not butt burp during a salad tossin’.
As Tom Brady asked a Met Gala server if the kitchen could whip him up a bowl of steamed organic grass lightly drizzled with distilled air, he was getting roasted on Twitter by haters who just can’t take his impeccable taste in suits that make him look like the day-shift manager of a Zorro-themed casino in Reno.