The jersey Tom Brady wore during his fifth Super Bowl win last month was stolen shortly after he took it off in the NRG Stadium locker room in Houston, TX. A little over a month later, Tom’s jersey has possibly been found safe and sound.
On election eve, Donald Trump bragged at a rally in New Hampshire that his “great friend” Tom Brady voted for him. This was news to Tom, who claimed he hadn’t voted yet. When asked on social media if she and her husband were Team Trump, Gisele Bundchen responded with a loud “NO.” Things at the Bundchen-Brady home must have been a really awkward during their usual dinner of blanched celery leaves that night, because Tom says he’s not allowed to talk about politics anymore. Politics, please take your place with sugar, coffee, strawberries, and everything else that’s not allowed anywhere near Tom Brady’s mouth.
On Erection Eve – That was a typo and I’m going to keep it, even though it makes no sense since this caca storm of an election has been the complete opposite of sexy and nobody’s got a boner. Well, Ken Bone may have a boner since that trick is always horny.
But anyway, on Election Eve, the mutated Oompa Loompa gooch wart was at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire where he said that Tom Brady voted for him. It wouldn’t be that surprising if Tom voted for Trump, because they are bro-friends (see: them in the picture above looking like conjoined twins from HELL) and he did have a “Make America Great Again” hat in his locker room. But in Tom’s defense, he may not have not know what that hat meant since he can’t read. Tom also said last year that he thinks Trump has what it takes to be president.
It’s been a little over three days since the Super Bowl of CANDY (aka Halloween) happened, and I’m sure that the candy stashes of many kids are filled with nothing but toothpaste, wrapped apple slices, candy corn, Tootsie Rolls and Bit-O-Honeys, because all of the good stuff has already ended up in their stomachs (which is where it’ll stay for the next 5 years since that shit don’t digest). But not Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s kids. We already know that Tom and Gizzy’s diet is so strict that macrobiotic birds look at them and go, “Live a little, bitches.” They don’t really eat any white sugar or white flour or fruit. Their children, 6-year-old Ben and 3-year-old Vivian eat the same way, pretty much. So after they all went trick-or-treating, Gisele let her kids eat one piece of candy and they spit it out like they were Tom Brady and that candy was a strawberry.
I live in a world (Boston) in which Tom Brady can do no wrong. Tom Brady could be mean to Betty White and he’d still remain beloved here in the Hub. Tom Brady had this hairstyle and his every word and action is still celebrated. Let’s put it this way – he’s a Trump fan and people still adore him. The following video is going to be porn to a lot of horny Bostonian Brady fans. Ben Affleck has already adjourned to a private corner of his mansion with his smartphone to enjoy this.
Dude won’t go near a strawberry but candy’s on the menu. Strawberries should take this weirdness personally.
Here’s Tom eating candy in slow motion.
Every Halloween, I go to my “special place” when I break into the kids’ UnReal Candy…
Posted by Tom Brady on Thursday, October 20, 2016
Since it seems like I’m on the “rich dudes saying dumb shit to The Cut” beat, here’s a post about Tom Brady saying dumb shit to The Cut. Just like plastic-straw-hater Adrian Grenier, Gisele Bundchen’s man is so not into something that’s got the word “straw” in its name. Two things: Yes, this IS news. And yes, Tom Brady’s feelings about strawberries is one of the most interesting things he’s ever said in an interview.