Most of us here in Boston assume Bridget Moynihan purposefully cuts out Brazil in the maps inside her kids’ geography textbooks and that Gisele Bundchen barfs anytime she sees Coyote Ugly playing on TBS. It’s well known that when Tom Brady hooked up with Gisele, he found out two months later that Bridget was pregnant with his baby. When Bridget gave birth, she named him John “Jack” Edward Thomas Moynahan, which us petty hos clapped at since “JET” happens to also be the name of the New England Patriots’ biggest rival. We all assumed the Haus of Bundchen and the Haus of Moynahan must loathe each other, but Gisele is out hawking her memoir, and says she’s actually cool with Tom’s ex.
Barstool Sports posted this picture on their Instagram yesterday of one hungry, hungry hippo earning its PhD in Butt Munching by swallowing that ass cheek up. Or maybe that hippo is a political performance artiste and this its way of commenting on the shit we have to deal with every time we look at the news.
You would think that Tom Brady would look at that picture and giggle while clapping endlessly over those silly hippos before Gisele Bundchen screamed at him that his afternoon snack of grass-fed grass crackers and organic air was ready, but he got it! The low watt, almost-burnt-out bulb in his head lit up and he got it was a joke about rimming, and he related.
Tom slipped into the comments and added three laugh-crying emojis with a “yep.” So I take back what I’ve said over and over again about Tom only eating grass, air, and organic water. Tom eats grass, air, organic water, and ASS! Or maybe that’s not what Tom is saying. Maybe Tom’s not the one who takes his tongue on a journey around Gis’ outer rim. Great, I just gave myself the image of Tom hopping out of the shower all giddy-like before spreading those cheeks and presenting his hole to his wife. No, Gis isn’t stupid. She can’t trust him to not mouth burp out some image-ruining crap about Trump to the press, and so she sure as hell can’t trust him to not butt burp during a salad tossin’.
As Tom Brady asked a Met Gala server if the kitchen could whip him up a bowl of steamed organic grass lightly drizzled with distilled air, he was getting roasted on Twitter by haters who just can’t take his impeccable taste in suits that make him look like the day-shift manager of a Zorro-themed casino in Reno.
Donald Trump definitely spent 90% of his morning and afternoon (okay, 100% of his morning and afternoon) sounding out the words while writing, “invoise 2 Stormee Danyulls: one millyun dollers 4 openeneng up yr hor mouf on tevees,” on his presidential stationary today. Because Stormy Daniels violates the NDA she signed with Trump every time she publicly talks about their alleged one-night fuck. And she earned herself another $1 million violation today when she talked about it on The View with her panty cream-inducing stubble head lawyer Michael Avenatti.
Stormy didn’t really say anything she hadn’t already said on 60 Minutes, but she did bring the pecking hens of The View something new. She brought them a sketch of the goon she claims threatened her and her daughter. The sketch has got the internet playing a big ole’ game of Harpo, Who Dis Goon?
There’s a blizzard today in Boston, and it’s probably from the cold day in hell drifting upwards. Cold day in hell? It must be, since Our Lord Tom Man Uggs Hold The Strawberries Brady broke his diet on TV with Stephen Colbert last night. Tom managed to toss back a strawberry AND a pint of beer. Hoo, boy. You know Gisele Bundchen made him take down a belt when he got home so she could whoop his ass.
Tom Brady fans probably came up with a million ways to convince themselves that last Sunday’s Super Bowl loss wasn’t Tom Brady’s fault. Tom accidentally ingested a strawberry and it made him temporarily forget what a football was, maybe. According to USA Today, Gisele’s reported explanation to her kids was that the Eagles hadn’t won “in a million years” and that sometimes you have to “let someone else win” because “sharing is caring.” Gisele says she didn’t mean it like that.