Previously on… Survivor! Tom Arnold got into a physical altercation on Sunday night at a pre-Emmy party with Mark Burnett, and Mark’s wife Roma Downey claims Tom maimed her, and Tom supposedly ripped Mark’s gold crucifix from his neck, and Survivor host Jeff Probst tried to break it up, and all the while Della Reese was looking down from heaven shaking her head saying, “I ain’t touching this mess“. The fight was over alleged Apprentice tapes of Trump allegedly saying the N-Word. Mark has allegedly been hoarding them to allegedly protect Trump.
Now that the dust has settled, Tom has filed a police report accusing Mark of battery and, according to Deadline, was bragging to everybody who would listen that the tapes had been secured and handed over to Ronan Farrow. It’s only Tuesday.
“DAMN, that’s some good coke” is probably what several people said after watching super producer Mark Burnett (he does Survivor, The Voice, Shark Tank, Celebrity Apprentice, and a few Jesus movies, etc…) choke out Tom Arnold as his wife Roma Downey screamed she was touched by a devil! Although, a middle-aged man throwdown between Tom Arnold and Mark Burnett isn’t that random since Tom has made it his mission to get the tapes of Trump being Trump (read: mouth-farting out racist fuckery) on the set of Celebrity Apprentice, and thinks Mark is trying to protect Trump by not releasing the tapes. It all came to a head last night and Tom and Mark busted out a messy scene that is definitely more exciting than the Emmys itself.
Do I even have to say what one of those things was? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Tom Arnold appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night to promote his upcoming show on Viceland, The Hunt for the Trump Tapes, in which he embarks on a journey to find all manner of Trump tapes. Tom tells Jimmy Kimmel that he’s known Trump for 30 years, and that he’s done business with Trump. Tom also claims Trump and producer Mark Burnett used to call him up and beg him to appear on The Celebrity Apprentice. The reason you never saw Tom Arnold slinging pizza for charity was because, as he described it: “The Apprentice is such a crappy show that I wouldn’t do it…That says a lot, because I do everything.”
We’re going to party like it’s the early 90s because Tom Arnold is tearing into his ex-wife Roseanne Barr in public. Roseanne’s new/old show is a smash hit, and yesterday we had a post about A League Of Their Own. So put on your choker and your vintage sundress with a baby doll tee under it, and then have your hair burner give you “The Rachel” while you read about Tom biting the hand that used to feed him. Continue reading
Pictures like this always confuse me, because it just goes to show that you really have no idea who is friends with who in Hollywood. Tom Arnold and Dax Shepard? Okay…I guess? I mean, it could be more random. Dax Shepard and Sherri Shepherd. Tom Arnold and Justin Bieber. Kristen Bell and the sloth community. But they’re friends, and apparently closer friends than any of us knew (because I know you’re all aggressively keeping up with Tom Arnold’s friendships). How close? Close enough for Dax to give Tom his boner juice.
According to Us Weekly, Dax and Kristen offered to donate a ziploc of jizz to Tom after finding out there was a VACANCY sign hanging above his balls. Before I go any further, that’s where sperm is made, right? The balls? I’m sorry, but if Slim Goodbody didn’t talk about it, I have no idea what it does. Anyways, Tom tried to have a baby with his first three wives, couldn’t make it happen, and figured the same thing would happen with his 4th wife, Ashley Groussman. After two miscarriages with Groussman, Tom realized his lil’ swimmers were fucking things up and that if he ever wanted to become a father, they were going to have to find a sperm donor. Dax and Kristen were filming Hit and Run with Tom at the time, and suggested he use Dax’s sperm. Tom was cool with it, but his wife wasn’t (fuck that; I’d accept the sperm of anyone from Idiocracy) so eventually they went to Sharon Stone’s fertility doctor and successfully got knocked up. Sharon Stone; another name to file in the folder marked ‘Tom Arnold’s Random Friendships’.
At first, all of this felt very “Wait, what?” but it kind of makes sense. Dax and Kristen seem like actual down-to-earth people who wouldn’t think it was weird to offer a friend some of their extra semen, and so far they seem to be making decent parenting decisions, like choosing not to pimp out their baby to the paps (“What good is a baby if you can’t make money off it?” – Kim K). At least with Dax, you’d be getting decent sperm; not everyone gets so lucky with their sperm donor: