After weeks of “mystery” and “Who could it be?!”, the obvious was finally announced today. NBC told us who will replace Kathie Lee Gifford as Hoda Kotb’s morning time drinking buddy aka the co-host of the fourth hour of Today. Jenna Bush Hager is taking over for KLG. Kathie has decided to give up the world’s best gig to become a filmmaker, so I imagine she’ll have buyer’s remorse later this year and eventually pull a Jay Leno and return to snatch the morning drinking crown off Jenna’s head. But until then, we had to endure got to see a promo of sisterhood and learn all about why Jenna was picked as a worth heir to pickling one’s liver with Pinot Grigio.
It’s been over two years since Billy Bush was fired from Today for his smarmy role in Pussygate AKA the scandal that launched a million pink pussy knit hats. Since then the fallen apple of the Bush Dynasty (which is sadly not a delicious Chinese Restaurant) has gotten divorced, helped his daughter through sobriety, and been on a voyage of self-discovery with Tony Robbins. Now he’s ready to end his exile and find a way to weasel his way back onto the small screen. Lucky for Billy, Extra has announced that they are moving from NBC to Fox this autumn, and they are looking for a pro-pussy grabbing host to join the team.
Now who is going to make you feel okay about having a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of Rice Krispies? Or a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of chardonnay? Oh shit, Kathie Lee Gifford’s next hustle should be a breakfast cereal called KLG’s Chardonnay-Os.
After 11 years, 500,000 gulps of fermented breakfast juice, and over 4,000 times yodeling out “Everyoooone has a stooo-reeeee“, the Christian Wine Queen of Morning Television has announced that she’s hanging up her monogrammed breakfast time wine glass and is leaving Today. Those of us who are masochists and watch Today every morning aren’t exactly dropping our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio (available at Wine.com!) out of shock, because there’s many a morning when the fourth hour of Today starts and we scream,”NOT JENNA BUSH HAGER FILLING IN FOR KLG AGAIN!” Although if this announcement was a real shock, we still wouldn’t drop our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio. That’s not what KLG would want.
For many Halloweens, the hateful demons at Today have give us many soul-melting night terrors by doing their hosts up like dark-sided creatures that crawled out of the sticky asshole of Hell. Like the time they dressed the entire Today show crew as Peanuts possessed by Satan, and the time they committed a horrible case of blasphemy by dropping a Matt Lauer shit all over the pristine image of earth angel Dolly Parton. They played it mostly safe this Halloween. I say “mostly safe,” because I hate them for causing my nipple tips to tingle and my b-hole ring to quiver while looking at Jenna Bush Hager in man drag as Goose from Top Gun. I should call 911 and report Today for actually making me get moist in the tip over drag king Jenna Bush Hager.
Today went with an 80s theme this year. Well, most of them did anyway. Hoda Kotb got lost in the early-70s while making her way to the 80s.
It would seem that NBC is wasting no time in dusting off the blonde hairs from Megyn Kelly’s chair at the Today show and filling it with her replacement. And it looks like NBC might be going with the person she unceremoniously replaced last year, Al Roker.
Kathie Lee Gifford just told the full-time bartender in her dressing room to pull out the good stuff, because it’s time to celebrate now that it looks like the head bitches at NBC News are finally dumping the blonde reason for why the Happy Hour of Today (read: the fourth hour starring KLG and Hoda Kotb) is getting lower ratings. And then KLG will kick her leg, hop onto the cabaret stage she had built in her dressing room next to the bar, and belt out, “Grey skies are gonna cleeeeear up,” as her assistants ask the bartender for a stiff shot since they’re going to need it if their boss is starting off the day with show tunes.
Just a quick minute after Megyn Kelly dribbled out a canned apology for being a college educated 47-year-old former lawyer and “journalist” who has lived in New York City for years and didn’t know that blackface is racist, The Hollywood Reporter said that a source whispered in their ear about the demise of her show at Today. NBC News is reportedly going to put Megyn Kelly Today out of its misery at the end of this year. Megyn is currently in the middle of a $69 million three-year contract with NBC News. Cut to Black Santa sauntering up to Megyn to give her the gift of a pink slip this Christmas.