“Here they are, y’all! Take a good look, cause you might not get to see ‘em for another couple of hours!”
The amfAR Inspiration Los Angeles Gala honoring Tom Ford was held on Wednesday night, and guess who showed up with her tits out? That’s right, everyone’s favorite permanent marker-huffing chipmunk Miley Cyrus! But since the amfAR Gala is some fancy shit, she knew she it would be inappropriate to roll up in a high-cut thong and weed leaf pasties. So instead, she decided to bust open a Sheer Elegance L’eggs, wear them as a shirt, and wrap up her backwoods nipple bits in some black duct tape. Miley is nothing if not a klassy lassy, after all.
THIS is how you do tasteful black tie elegance. Why wear a boring-ass evening gown when you can look like the crazy hillbilly cousin of Leeloo Dallas? Or a slutty futuristic project manager from Blade Runner? Or a waitress at an adults-only murder mystery dinner theater? Or a rejected member of The Black Tape Project (NSFW)? Or a goth figure skater? I could literally go on for hours, but you get the picture. BITCH LOOKS HOT!
And adding to the already dangerously high levels of Appalachian sophistication, Miley brought her gorgeous mom Tish Cyrus as her date. Sadly, Tish didn’t also dress like a slutty BDSM mime; instead, she wore a satin tablecloth and did her hair in a fancy show pony braid. Oh well, next time!
Here’s more of Miley looking like a low-budget Pris Stratton (because you need that in your life), as well as Lea Michele who – SURPRISE SURPRISE – was serving up middle-aged horny cougar realness, Alessandra Ambrosia Salad wearing the Las Vegas showgirl version of Miley’s outfit, and a bunch of boring covered-up hos:
I guess Billy Ray Cyrus realized that he can’t live without seeing Tish Cyrus’ squished Furby face every morning, because these two messes are back together again. Billy and Tish have filed for divorce almost as many times as Miley Cyrus has made Jesus cry by trying to twerk. Miley even called Billy Ray out on Twitter and made it sound like he passed his Armour Vienna Sausage (side question: What does a pubic mullet look like?) to another trick. But all is forgotten, because Billy Ray and Tish have reunited and are toasting to their love with a SOLO wine glass full of strawberry-flavored moonshine in front of a romantic toilet fire pit in their backyard. Billy Ray and Tish announced to People that they have called off their divorce:
“We both woke up and realized we love each other and decided we want to stay together. We both went into couples therapy something we haven’t done in 22 years of being together, and it’s brought us closer together and really opened up our communication in amazing ways. Tish also said marriage can be really hard especially after 22 years of being in entertainment. We’ve had rough times but we both realized we didn’t want to be another statistic and wanted to make it work.”
It always makes me hopeful for the future of marriage when I read about a husband and a wife who are staying together for the sake of their checking accounts. They obviously decided that instead of spending months and months in a lawyer’s conference room, fighting over who gets custody of Miley’s money, they act like adults, bond over their mutual love of not working and stay together. Now they can continue to take Miley’s money as one. Michael Lohan and White Oprah could really learn a thing or two from these child-pimping wrecks.
And here’s Miley pretty much flashing her shaved possum while hanging out with Pixie Geldof in London.
Typing the phrase “Twitter ultimatum” just made me barf through the pores on my fingers.
Last night, Miley Cyrus made Billy Ray Cyrus shake right out of his raccoon mullet when she threatened to EXPOSE him on Twitter. I love it when a bitch threatens to EXPOSE another bitch in an hour or less, but it’s not as dramatic when it’s done in all lower caps…. on Twitter. Anyway, Miley tweeted the threat along with a picture of her next to a woman who at first I thought was a ginger Heidi Montag with her original face on. A quick minute after Miley threw that threat up on Twitter, she deleted it and then tweeted out this bullshit: “Wtf? My twitter was just actin all types of cray!”
Don’t you just hate it when your Twitter acts all types of cray by magically writing a tweet you wrote and magically uploading a picture that you uploaded and magically tweeting a tweet after you hit the tweet button? I hate it when my Twitter acts cray like that. Since Miley is a celebwhore, she could blame her tweet regret on one of three things: 1. her Twitter was acting cray, 2. she was hacked or 3. she was suffering from severe exhaustion and didn’t know what she was tweeting. I’m sure that Miley will announce that her Twitter is checking into a rehab tweetment center to be treated for the cray-ness it suffers from.
But more importantly, WHAT DOES MILEY’S FIRST TWEET MEAN?
Billy Ray Cyrus filed for divorce from Tish Cyrus three years ago, but then he pressed paused on the divorce because he was trying to work things out with her. Things didn’t work out because Tish filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. But then, Tish and Billy Ray were papped on Sunday leaving a restaurant arm-in-arm, which isn’t surprising since not much can break the love between a sad-eyed anime horse and a humanized roadkill possum.
But now they’re love might really be broken thanks to his wandering dick. An ONTD commenter says that the woman next to Miley in that picture is Broadway actress, singer and dancer Dylis Croman. Dylis played Mona and covered the role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago when Billy Ray was in it last year. So that picture is Miley’s subtle way of saying that Billy Ray passed his hillbilly peen to Dylis while he was with Tish. I was going to ask for more proof, but then I looked closer at that picture. That’s not fake fur on Dylis’ jacket. Those are Billy Ray’s highlighted pubes! Poor Tish (not really). Her sad anime horse eyes just got sadder.