It’s Super Bowl Sunday! Many of you are already half in the bag while emblazoned in your team’s colors and ready to roar at the television. Many of you are merely half in the bag because it’s Superbowl Sunday. And some of you are half in the bag and only watching to see trailers for blockbuster movies coming out this summer, Justin Timberlake hopefully being revealed as a lip, and visible jockstraps through football pants. (Ok, it might be just me.)
To get you in the wicked pissah spirit, Tina Fey (who was repping her hometown team of the Philadelphia Eagles), Rachel Dratch (who was repping her hometown team of the New England Patriots), Natalie Portman, and the rest of the Saturday Night Live cast performed a sketch making fun of fans of both teams. That could be a Philadelphian accent, who knows, but why do they always make us Bostonians sound like alcoholic fools? Don’t answer that.
There’s very few things that could make me appreciate the wig-patting simper of Jimmy Fallon. This isn’t one of those things. Fortunately, Seth Meyers passes muster, and he offset his former co-worker’s presence last night on Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday.
If the stories of master thespian Jared Leto in perpetual Joker cosplay have taught me anything, it’s that Oscar winners sometimes take themselves very seriously. Apparently that’s not just something non-Hollywooders like myself noticed. Tina Fey knows it too. Even though Tina is technically Hollywood, she lives in New York City full time. It sounds like living in a place that turns into a frozen hellhole in the winter and where the donuts will give you the multicolor shits has immunized Tina to overzealous Oscar winners.
Because Sarah Palin’s Meth Libs endorsement speech is still assaulting our brains (I literally can’t get the words “bitter-clingin” out of my head), Saturday Night Live decided to call up the world’s foremost expert in Sarah Palin cosplay and see if she’d be willing to drag her a bit during the cold open. Clearly there’s no amount of Jonas snow that could keep Tina Fey away from the chance to bust out some crazy Sarah Palin performance art, because she showed up. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure anyone would risk frostbite on their butthole if it meant the opportunity to wear that gorgeous “I’m reporting your ass to the HOA” wig and Sarah’s super classy beaded jacket.
So basically the joke here is that a stinky earwax-covered Q-tip like Donald Trump thinks that Sarah Palin is busted ball of crazy. I don’t know about that; after all, he did just tell people he could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any voters. I think that’s what’s known as the dumbass pot calling the dumbass kettle dumb.
For those of you wondering “Wait, didn’t Tina Fey just host SNL?“, yes, she did. But technically last night’s host was professional trick whooper Ronda Rousey, who was decent for someone who has been hit in the head so many times. She was joined by musical guest Selena Gomez, who did a spot-on impression of a Bratz Babyz Crazy Karaoke doll.
I did enjoy Tina’s not-so-subtle shout out to Sarah Palin’s loser son Track. I’m sure that as soon as Sarah figured out how to switch the dictation settings on her iPad from English to ‘Laskan (Sarah don’t do books and pens), she made a note that says: “Tell Track’s lawyer that he should plead not guilty of nothin’ but committin’ some crimes.“
Tina Fey totally just got a text from Amy Poehler that said: “Are you breaking up with me? Look, I know Sisters didn’t bring in a pile of money, but it’s not our fault – I mean, we were up against Star Wars. WE WERE UP AGAINST STAR WARS!!!”
You can go ahead and file this one into the folder marked “Headlines I Never Thought I’d Write“, because, honestly, I never thought I’d be writing about a future movie starring Liz Lemon and professional ass-kicker Ronda Rousey. But here we are. Variety says that Universal has picked up Do Nothing Bitches, an upcoming film written by my favorite SNL fake audience member Paula Pell (who also wrote Sisters) and based off a term coined by Ronda to describe hot lazy wallet-humpers. No word on whether Tina will be playing a do nothing bitch, but they do say that Ronda will be playing a “no-nonsense” instructor at a do nothing bitch conversion camp. Tina Fey is also producing it.
Normally the thought of a ____-turned-actor gives me a bad feel in my stomach (see: the undisputed queen of ____-turned-actresses, Cindy Crawford), but Ronda might not be that bad by the time Do Nothing Bitch starts filming. She’ll already have han SNL episode and (with the blessing of the ghost of Patrick Swayze) that Roadhouse remake on the resume on the back of her acting headshot.
But does it even really matter? No, because the only film we need about a do nothing bitch who goes to bootcamp has already been made: MAJOR MOVIE STAR! Sorry Hollywood, but unless you recast Tina and Ronda with Jessica Simpson (playing both parts, of course), there’s no way you can top such indisputable excellence in film.
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).