In my mind, traveling to Italy and consumption of peaches has skyrocketed since Call Me By Your Name, the movie where Armie Hammer and Timothée Chalamet spent a summer frolicking around an Italian mansion while wet humping and demonstrating how dancing was not taught in the Hammer household. Director Luca Guadagnino indicated he was looking into doing a line of sequels. Even André Aciman, the author of the novel of the same name, said he was down with more movies and was even writing a sequel to book. But now Armie is all, “Nah.” I guess he’s still waiting to make another go at The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
The Dune remake that’s set to star everybody’s favorite little peach fucker Timothée Chalamet is about to get a hot beef injection with the addition of everybody’s favorite fish-man (sorry James Cameron, you lose again!) Jason Momoa. Jason will be playing the character of sword-master (tee-hee) Duncan Idaho. According to Deadline:
Momoa joins an already stellar cast of Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Ferguson, Zendaya, Oscar Isaac, Dave Bautista, Stellan Skarsgård, Charlotte Rampling, Javier Bardem, and Josh Brolin. The script was written by (Denis) Villeneuve, Eric Roth and Jon Spaihts.
I tried to read Dune once and it did not go well (I kept falling asleep). I also tried to watch the 1984 David Lynch one, and that did not go well either (I fell asleep). Then my nerdy ass husband tried to make me watch the miniseries from 2000 that was on the Sci-Fi Channel and well, I think you can guess how that went (you guys, it was so boring and I was really tired, ok). Therefore, I only know enough about Dune to make jokes about spice eyes and sand worms. Which is plenty good enough for me! Thank god for Wikipedia though. I can tell you that Jason probably won’t have to cut off his hair and get divorced from Lisa Bonet, because according to the 1965 novel, Duncan is described as “a handsome man with ‘curling black hair’ to whom women are easily attracted”. So it sounds like they hit the nail on the head there.
He’s not THAT bad. Wouldn’t you rather listen to “Lil’ Timmy Tim” as opposed to Kanye? When Timothée Chalamet was a high school kid at some prestigious performing arts school in Manhattan (which was probably, like, yesterday), he had to take Statistics. This is disappointing because you would figure you would go to a Fame-type school to AVOID math.
Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
Yesterday we learned that 2019 would be the first year in several decades in which Woody Allen won’t be releasing a film. According to Page Six, that honor might go to 2018 instead. His latest for Amazon, A Rainy Day in New York, was shot last September and October in New York on a budget of $25 million, and was reportedly scheduled for release later this year. No official date was set, it was more just a ballpark estimate depending on when Amazon Studios decided it should come out. Page Six seems to think that A Rainy Day will never see the light of day. They claim the movie has been “shelved” indefinitely.
When asked for comment, Amazon said: “No release date has ever been set for the film.”
It probably wouldn’t be too big of a shock if Amazon shelved it completely. Audiences might not want to watch Jude Law have sex with what he thinks is a 15-year-old girl. Or possibly the bigger elephant in the room, Woody himself. A few months after filming wrapped and #MeToo broke, several actors who have worked with Woody spoke out and vowed never to work again with the alleged creep. A Rainy Day stars Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Hall, and Griffin Newman all donated their salaries to charity.
But maybe there’s nothing up, and Amazon just hasn’t picked a date. Or maybe Amazon has shelved it for the time being while they work with their marketing department and decide what kind of tagline should be on the poster for A Rainy Day in New York. Because “Even the actors in this film don’t want to be associated with this downpour of cringe” feels just a tad long.
David Lynch’s Dune got not-great reviews when it came out in 1984. I have no idea why; it has prime 1980’s hotness Kyle MacLachlan and Sean Young, tons of leather, and Sting in a 3D printed-looking bikini, which basically makes it perfect. And about two years ago we learned that Dune was finally about to get remade by Denis Villeneuve. Today we’re learning that the Dune remake could star Timothée Chalamet.
I’m saying it could star Timmy, because according to Deadline, he’s currently in talks to play Dune’s lead character, Paul Atreides (previously played by Kyle MacLachlan). Deadline says Timothée is in final talks, which means there’s a very good chance you’re about to see Timothée with a tube up his nose, if that’s the direction Denis decides to take this film.
Dune is complicated as all get out, so it’s in Denis’ best interests to have a cutie like Timothée up on the screen to help distract everyone in the audience from thinking “What the hell is this shit all about?” For those who don’t know, Dune is set years in the future where people have created these wormholes allowing them to travel between solar systems. Also they’re really into this drug they call “the spice.” Paul Atreides is an aristocrat with superhuman powers. Additionally, there are literal giant sandworms that live on the drug planet. See what I mean? It’s confusing. But no more confusing than the worms will be when Timothée’s character tries to avoid getting eaten by offering the worms a peach. (Cut to a worm looking uncomfortable) “Uh…yeah, I think I’ll pass.”