The Grammys are the time and place for some high fashion fuckery. You can go high concept crazy (see: CeeLo Green), or you can go tacky casual with a twist of try hard. Halsey chose the latter. Halsey told Giuliana Rancic that her look was “a little TLC, a little Aaliyah.” When I first saw Halsey on the red carpet, I immediately got a T-Boz in the Creep video vibe. Halsey must have realized that she couldn’t blatantly rip-off such a legendary look without receiving a cease-and-desist, and so she added her own spin. And in this case, her spin was to ditch the matching robe and walk down the red carpet with her tits out. She also went with her natural hair, which was a choice. Personally I would have gone full-homage to T-Boz with some bangs and side-curtains. But I’ll give her a pass on this one. If she didn’t have time to steam the wrinkles out of her ensemble, I doubt she had time to clip on some hair.
Any Beyhive member will tell you that last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Beyonce Country Time Jamboree Extravaganza (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)! But to us Dollies, last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Dolly Tribute Spectacular (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)!
[INTERNALLY SCREAMING] – Kanye West in that picture
Speaking of overblown titles that don’t really mean anything, the party for Time’s annual 100 Most Influential of 2015 list happened in NYC last night. Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian were there, because in addition to being on Summer’s Eve Most Influential list and Botox’s Most Influential list, they were also on the Time 100. While Kuntye and Kummy Kakes posed for photographers, Amy Schumer, whose face is all over the Internet right now, decided to screw with their ho stroll game a bit by throwing herself on the carpet in front of them. At first Kanye probably though it was just another one of his disciples worshiping at the godly feet of Yeezus. But his ego nearly throbbed to the point of exploding when he realized it was just that All About That Bass chick stealing the spotlight from him. If you looked inside of Kanye’s head in that picture, you’d probably see the rose garden scene from Mommie Dearest. Bitch is ready to chop down a tree over this shit.
He probably got off the red carpet and started fisting the air and firing people over someone snatching away his STUNT QUEEN tiara right in front of him.
Amy told Time that she did it, because why the hell not:
“I saw them and said to my publicist: ‘Can I pretend to fall?’ and she said, ‘I can’t stop you,”
Kim didn’t really seem to mind. She even cracked the Botox mask she calls a face by smiling a little. Kim smiled because she thought Amy was playing a fun game of charades and she knew the answer. Seeing Amy with dead eyes and on all fours made Kim think to herself, “I know, I know! The answer is, ‘How I got famous!’”
And here’s more of the Time 100 wearing boring outfits at last night’s gala thing.
The Ghost of Lady Cassandra Future Nicole Kidman and her gorgeous middle-aged soccer mom-looking husband Keith Urban went to the CMAs last night, and for some reason this happened. No, I don’t know the circumstances surrounding Nicole trying to mount Keith from the back like a horny fawn-colored greyhound, and quite frankly – I don’t want to know. Instead, let’s assume she’s not actually trying to hump on her husband, but hiding behind him from the ghost of the haunted antique doll she stole that dress off of. Haunted attic-dwelling dolls don’t like it when you jack their shit, Nicole!
I know she’s going for some Little House on the Prairie Rachel Brown getting married shit, but it ends up looking more like stand-offish Oscar-winning Hollywood actress wearing a $2,000 nightgown. It’s like when I put on a blazer; I think I’m all business bitch chic, but everyone around me is like “Bitch you look like Cathy, yes from the comic strip“. Same goes for Nicole; I mean, lord love her, she’s trying, and it could always be worse; at least she’s not wearing a busted straw cowboy hat, right?
Unfortunately, Nicole didn’t get the memo that nobody else was doing county curtain couture this year. It was all head-to-toe David’s Bridal: Longer! Shinier! More Satin-y! Where’s the rhinestone-studded belt buckle worn as a choker? Where’s all the bedazzled crotch cut-offs? Come on guys, I thought you were country! Here’s more of Nicole and everyone else at the CMAs, including the usual, like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, a knocked-up Carried Underwood, and my personal lord and savior Tami Taylor (HEY Y’ALL!):
Because America is the land of the sue-happy hos, the lady whose face got swatted by Tim McGraw after she got handsy and ripped his jeans during a show in Atlanta has hired a lawyer and in a SHOCKING turn of events, the lawyer isn’t Gloria Allred. But the woman got herself a lawyer and she’s probably getting ready to slap Tim McGraw in the face with a lawsuit if he doesn’t slap her in the face with a giant check.
TMZ says that the woman, Jesslyn Taylor, let Tim McGraw’s team know, through her lawyer, that she’s not going to take a swat to the face and walk away. Jesslyn hasn’t officially filed a lawsuit or asked for money yet, but it’s obvious that she’s looking for cash. She claims that she was just an overexcited fan who wanted to touch him and she didn’t deserved to get slapped down. Jesslyn swears she wasn’t going for his dick. The Atlanta PD looked at the video and told TMZ that they’re on Team Tim, because it’s clear that she was the aggressive one and he was just protecting his crotch. The cops said at the time that they’d thoroughly investigate the whole thing if she filed a complaint. She never did. A few days after Tim swatted Jesslyn, he said some words about it to ET Canada and didn’t say much while doing so:
“Sometimes things can lose context and perspective. I reacted in an instinctive, defensive way from my perspective of what was going on. I think it was an unfortunate situation I think all the way around. But it happened, it happened in a split second, it was pure instinctive reaction, I think you just got to move on. It is one of those things that happen, nobody feels good about it, but there’s nothing that could be done about it. You are in that position, you are out there, you are vulnerable, things happen and sometimes you react. There’s nothing to be said about it.”
Jesslyn claims that not only was she slapped, but she was also kicked out of the show and feels humiliated. She wants an apology from Tim and by “apology from Tim” I’m guessing she means that she wants him to make it rain all over her.
So recap: Jesslyn gropes Tim’s leg twice, gets swatted for it and now she’s the one who wants money for pain and suffering? If Tim gives her a dollar, expect the “grope body, get slapped, sue a bitch” scheme to be the new easy scheme of easy schemes. The thing is, I don’t even know why Tim slapped her. All he had to was whistle for Faith Hill and she’d run out and bark at Jesslyn to death.
Jesslyn threatening to sue is ridiculous, but if she does file a lawsuit and states that “Truck Yeah,” the song that Tim was performing when he swatted her, brings her emotional distress and she wants it erased from earth, I’m all for her ridiculous lawsuit!
Here’s the swat video if you missed it the first time around:
A few years ago, Faith Hill verbally slapped a trick with a speech about ~CLASS~ when that trick grabbed at Tim McGraw’s balls during a show in Louisiana. Well, 7 years later and hos are still grabbing at Tim McGraw’s goods, but this time, Faith Hill wasn’t there to let a handsy slut know that her husband’s crotch fruit is only ripe for her picking.
TMZ posted two videos of the buff piece of hairless daddy jerky yodeling out his song “Truck Yeah” at a show in Atlanta on Sunday. After Tim sashays into a sea of hands, one of those hands grabs at his leg and I guess that hand didn’t get what it wanted, because it went in for a second time and during the second time, she ripped his ripped jeans some more. Tim is either real serious about his jeans or he felt like that trick was about to give him a “turn your head and cough test,” because he swatted her hand away before playing a quick game of Patty Cake on her face. That scene is a country song come to life. Face slappin’ and jeans rippin’. Throw in a cryin’ baby and a cheatin’ bastard and it’d be the new country anthem. Tim’s rep told TMZ that the fan wouldn’t let go of his leg and he only swatted her away so he could keep it moving:
“Tim was singing out in the audience and someone firmly grabbed onto his leg and wouldn’t let go as he was moving through the crowd. He instinctively swatted to try to keep them from ripping his jeans (which they succeeded at doing!), and so he could get to more fans who could slap hands with him before the end of the show.”
Everyone involved in this is a mess. That chick is a mess, because we all learned in kindergarten that if you can’t keep your hands to yourself, sit on them. Just because she paid $15 for a Tim McGraw ticket (I’m guessing that $15 is what the most expensive ticket at a Tim McGraw concert costs and if it’s any more than that, chick should slap herself) doesn’t mean she can feel him up whenever she wants. It’s not a petting zoo, bitch. The 14-year-old in me is also cringing at her ripping his jeans, because the 14-year-old in me would spend hours on the living room floor meticulously adding perfect rips to my jeans like I was Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling (it was the 90s). Tim is a mess, because yeah, he should’ve swatted her hand away, but did he really need to slap her in the face? (“YES!!!!” – 14-year-old me taking a break from meticulously adding perfect rips to my jeans)
We can spend HOURS arguing who is the messiest in this situation, but instead of doing that, let’s come together and agree that our ears are also victims here, because we forced them to listen to a few seconds of “Truck Yeah.”