Category: Tim Cook
Dr. Dre’s New Drama Series “Vital Signs” Is Too Racy For Apple
In 2016, Dr. Dre decided to make a semi-autobiographical TV series called Vital Signs, proving that if anything, he’s definitely making a life-long commitment to the whole “doctor” thing. Vital Signs was snatched up by Apple, but CEO Tim Cook has discovered that the show has too much sex, drugs, and violence for his gentle eyes, and he’s no longer interested.
Kanye West Is Demanding That Apple Buy Tidal
Anti-thinking advocate Kanye West is impatient for Apple to hurry up and buy his pal Jay-Z’s music streaming service Tidal. Apple and Beyonce’s husband have reportedly been going back and forth about the potential purchase since last month, according to the Wall Street Journal. Kummy Kakes’ koat karrier feels that by taking their time to think about it (he’s not big on thought process), Apple is withholding music from “the kids.” He might also secretly feel that Tidal is a sinking ship and Apple might be the life raft in which he can join Kathy Bates and Rose’s stuck-up mom to escape watery business death.
Taylor Swift Flips Off Apple But On Nice Tumblr Stationary
Apple is launching a new music streaming service called Apple Music on June 30. They’re making it free to use for three months. This is not sitting well with the girl who secretly paid to have the captain of the football team defecate in Katy Perry’s locker. Taylor Swift has declared herself the St. Angie of the music industry and opened the library on Apple via Tumblr.
I’m sure you are aware that Apple Music will be offering a free 3 month trial to anyone who signs up for the service. I’m not sure you know that Apple Music will not be paying writers, producers, or artists for those three months. I find it to be shocking, disappointing, and completely unlike this historically progressive and generous company.
Can you hear Apple’s head bitch Tim Cook raking his nails down his assistant’s face as he hisses with fury? He’s not going to say shit, though. He doesn’t want every B-list female celeb between the ages of 16 – 40 rounded up to star in a video about what an asshole he is.
Apple CEO Tim Cook Comes Out Ot The Glass iCloset
Happy Christmas morning to all of the gay gold diggers! This morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook, whose net worth is reportedly $400 million, became every gay gold digger’s dream man when he publicly came out for his love of peen in a thoughtful and important essay for Bloomberg Businessweek. Tim hasn’t exactly been playing mahjong with John Travolta in the back room of the closet. Tim has been openly out to his family, friends and colleagues. If you asked Siri “Is Tim Cook gay?” she’d tell you to check the Apple site, which translates into “Duh, bitch!” Today is the first time he told the world, “iGay!” Tim starts off his coming out essay by saying that he’s tried to keep his private life private, because he wants all of the focus to be on the overpriced products that mysteriously start breaking right before the new version comes out. Tim says that he decided to come out and talk about his personal life, because maybe hearing that the CEO of Apple is gay will help someone who feels alone or inspire others to “insist on their equality.” After the cut are a few pieces of what Tim wrote. You can read the whole thing here.