Only Tilda Swinton could post a 6-minute long video of her dogs on the internet and have it be dubbed high art. I mean sure, she appears to have used a very nice camera and scored it with an opera by Handel, but a dog video is a dog video. But it’s Tilda so it must be art! I have a feeling that if I posted a 6-minute video of my cat licking his pecker and set to “The Magic Flute”, I’d get flagged for content violation.
I’ve seen the original Suspiria from 1977 exactly one time, and now I’m officially scared of ballet, stained glass windows, loose piles of razor wire, and the prog-rock band Goblin. The remake starring Dakota Johnson comes out in theaters tomorrow, and the Los Angeles premiere was held last night in Hollywood. Luckily, the red carpet wasn’t nearly as terrifying as I was imagining it might be. Well, unless you count Dakota Johnson in a sequined second choice from the Dynasty wardrobe department as terrifying.
Open Post: Hosted By Tilda Swinton Looking Like The Mayor Of Whoville At The VFF Premiere Of “Suspiria”
If you can’t get Toni Collette for your satanic dance academy horror flick remake (ooo, Hereditary was so good and she was so good in it as Trauma Mom), then you grab yourself some Tilda Swinton! Tilda is the androgynous acting angel whose handsome countenance lifts every movie she’s in to a much higher level. Here she is at the Suspiria premiere at the Venice International Film Festival yesterday looking like she’s about to shut the Grinch down with some roast beast and a bit of “HA HOO WHORE HAY.”
Luca Guadagnino’s remake of the 1977 horror classic Suspiria is getting mixed reviews so far, but Tilda’s been noted as the bright spot. And there’s a rumor that 82-year-old newcomer Lutz Ebersdorf, who plays a shrink in the movie, is really Tilda in heavy prosthetics. Luca has denied that. I believe Luca. Like Tilda needs prosthetics to change into another face. All she has to do is raise her face toward the rays shooting off of her home planet and hum the shape-shifting chant of her alien ancestors as her face changes into that of an 82-year-old German man. Prosthetics! How insult. They act like Tilda is a mere human.
Check out more pics of Tilda from the Suspiria premiere in the gallery below including Dakota Johnson, Thom Yorke (he did the music), Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, Alek Wek, Chloe Grace Moretz, Mia Goth, and the original Suspiria’s star Jessica Harper!
The brown-haired, dead-eyed wooden model named Bella Hadid is currently at Cannes. And the other brown-haired, dead-eyed wooden model named Emily RideAJetski is also at Cannes, and at yesterday’s premier of Nelyubov, she dropped massive amounts of black lace under-titty classiness on the red carpet. That’s a whole lot of look, but it’s Cannes! If you’re not delivering a whole lot of look, take your ass to the People’s Choice Awards. Although, since Emily is permanently suffering from a severe case of dehydration, she’d wear this to the People’s Choice Awards too.
It looks like some of the worst trends simultaneously caca’d all over Emily. Underboob? Check! Chichis window? Check! Nude illusion? Check!
On I Love Lucy, Lucy would sometimes wear this glamorous sheer housecoat thing over cigarette pants and it was a perfect vision of elegance, and Emily RideAJetSki’s look is like the NastyDress.com version of that. This is something Sophia Loren would’ve worn back in the day if she was tacky, on a budget and suffered from narcolepsy so she needed a fluffy duvet handy for quick naps.
And just when you thought that Emily RideAJetSki reached the pinnacle of elegance with this look, she faced the front and showed off a crotch seam that looks like a never-ending sparkly landing strip (see: first picture in the gallery and prepare to be hit by the classiness of it all).
Here’s more from the Nelyubov premiere and I also threw in pictures from today’s Okja premiere because I just couldn’t ignore Tilda Swinton looking like a glorious albino alien mother of the bride.
Pics: Backgrid, Wenn.com
Hollywood continues to kick us in our collective dick and/or vagine. They’re remaking one of my fave-rave horror movies – Suspiria! (“WHY?!?!” he screamed in righteous anger as he clutched his Dario Argento box set while jumping into creativity’s open grave!)
The gorgeously colored 70s Italian horror flick is about a ballet student discovering that Satan (accompanied by several incredibly glamorous evil witches) runs her dance academy. It should be considered sacrosanct! Why not remake Jaws next, assholes? Or Citizen Kane? (Those are probably already in the works.)
The only potentially redeemable feature of this remake would be the presence of the incomparable Tilda Swinton. She’s playing a man! And she’s unrecognizable. See?
Tilda Swinton is unrecognisable for her role in Suspiria remake ??
An Oscar for her?
Pic credit: RKvideo/SplashNews pic.twitter.com/xpDpteDLCP
— PicturePlay (@picture_play) March 4, 2017
Tilda’s fairly genderless, so this probably isn’t a stretch for her. She plays the shit out of any role, be it animal, vegetable, or mineral. And then she goes and tops it off by wearing something flawlessly extraterrestrial to the premiere. I’ll still hate-watch this on Netflix and briefly suspend my anger whenever Tilda as Old Dude is on the screen.
It gets even more weirder, Margaret Cho says that Tilda Swinton got her e-mail and number from Alex Borstein. Alex Borstein was in one of my favorite shows ever Getting On and also played Ms. Swan on MADtv.
Does that mean that Tilda called Alex because she thought that Alex was Asian and when Alex told her that wasn’t the case, she said, “Okay, well then give me the number of the next most famous Asian in Hollywood or whatever?” Maybe. But Tilda apparently tugged at Margaret, because Margaret went off about whitewashing on Twitter.