Sometime in the past few days, nude photos of Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn, Katharine McPhee, Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart, and Stella Maxwell hit the internet. I’m not going to link any of the pics here (I’ll let you make that journey on your own if you’re so inclined). But here’s what you need to know: it was sort of like The Fappening, but this time with sports penis. That penis belongs to Tiger Woods, and TMZ says he’s beyond pissed that someone leaked a picture of his trouser iron onto the internet.
Ever since that time Tiger Woods’ wife beat him like he stole something after discovering his Soul Train line of side pieces, I haven’t looked at him the same way. He’s gone from hot commodity to hot mess in a matter of years. But even his antics make other hot messes tilt their head to the side and say “Damn homie,” especially after his DUI back in May. Yesterday the toxicology report from that arrest was released and it confirms that yes, Tiger was purring and slurring off some damn good pills. But he failed to mention that there was weed in his system as well.
That mug shot of Tiger Woods looking like a half-comatose Homer Simpson after a major donut binge is going to follow him around for the rest of his days, and if someone ever opens up a Mug Shot Hall of Shame Museum, it’s going to get a prime spot there. But apparently, the sweet nectar isn’t what gave Tiger that “Mac and Me on red wine and Ambien” look about him. It was dolls!
And here I thought I was going to take the title of Trick Who Had The Most Pathetic Memorial Day Weekend by passing out in a plastic pool on the front lawn after getting drunk on vodka and Country Time lemonade by myself, but Tiger Woods has me beat. The Dramatic Fall of Tiger Woods just got a new chapter…
— SB Nation (@SBNation) June 18, 2015
Trust me, you don’t have to grab your 10x magnifying glass – that teeny-tiny banner flying behind that itsy-bitsy airplane does in fact say “CHEATER.” Then again, you probably already knew that if you’re the type who gets the warm fuzzies every time you sense that a cheater is about to get theirs.
Earlier this month, a single tear fell from our eyes and the words “It’s beautiful” escaped our lips when someone – NOT STEPHANIE MARCH – flew a banner that said “CHEATER” over alleged cheater Bobby Flay during his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony. Yesterday, another angel brought that beautiful “CHEATER” banner out of temporary retirement and flew it over the U.S. Open while confirmed cheater Tiger Woods was playing a truly shit game of golf. I’m sure Lindsey Vonn is typing up an “It wasn’t me!” statement as we speak.
Tiger allegedly sniffed around the all-you-can-pound sidepiece buffet while he was with Lindsey, so this could be her doing. But it could also be the work of one of the ladies he maybe cheated on Lindsey with. Maybe Tiger cheated on Lindsey with someone, and then he cheated on that someone with someone else. Then the chick he cheated on Lindsey with found out he was cheating on her. Cheatception!
Regardless of who was responsible for the “CHEATER” banner, one this is for certain: it seriously fucked with his head and made him play like Happy Gilmore during the Pepsi Pro-Am.
What are you DOING Tiger Woods??? https://t.co/YG8taYm4Df
— Will Brinson (@WillBrinson) June 18, 2015
“That flying golf club really brings back some memories” said Elin Nordegren.
“That better be sweat glistening on your face, you coochie-chasing club-swinging ho” is what I like to imagine Lindsey Vonn was thinking while staring at Tiger Woods. Who knows? If the Daily Mail is correct, there’s a good chance she was. A “close friend” tells the Daily Mail that the reason one of boring’s favorite couples recently broke up is because he slipped his 5 wood into another hole (I know that makes zero sense, but golf metaphors are hard). The point is, I’m sure we’re all so absolutely shocked that a notorious cheater would get caught cheating. I’m shocked!
Apparently it happened after Tiger was eliminated from the Farmer’s Insurance Open in February. Tiger was super bummed out, so he decided to drown his sorrows in strange snatch. Unfortunately, he was about as discreet as a fart ripped during a fuck; someone spotted him with his one-night side piece, so he decided to confess to Lindsey that she’s basically his Elin Nordegren 2.0. But according to their source, it totally didn’t mean anything:
“Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn’t with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can’t help himself. He’s got an addiction. He relapsed. Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.”
Usually when I want to relax after a long day, I crawl into bed with a box of red wine and listen to Ambien-voiced angel Bob Ross. But sneaking behind my partner’s back to fuck a stranger works too, I guess. At least there’s a clear pattern now; if you are a blonde woman whose last name ends with an N and you’re humping on Tiger Woods on a full-time basis and he starts to get a little stressed out, he WILL Calgon-take-his-peen-away to another pussy.