There was a time when Thomas Markle was begging his other messy family members to keep their mouths shut about Duchess Meghan and the royal family, and was worried that the royals would get mad over him refusing to keep quiet about them. Well, just like my undies whenever I see a new hot pic of Prince Hot Ginge, Daddy Thomas has ripped that thought out of his brain and has gone full messy family member of a celebrity. Thomas thinks it’s really hilarious that he has the power to shut the royal family up. That cracking sound that Thomas hears outside of his Rosarito Beach house isn’t from the paparazzi he called checking their camera before shooting not-staged pics of him holding a tabloid with the royals on the cover and laughing at it. It’s Daniel Craig as James Bond cracking his knuckles while preparing to handle a bitch for THE QUEEN.
Those of us who love drama love when Thomas Markle hits speed dial on his phone for one of the many press connections he’s made since his daughter Duchess Meghan started the process of becoming a member of the Royal family. An appearance by Thomas on a TV show or in The Sun is a good day for some, but not for Meghan and Prince Harry, who reportedly are at their wits end over what to do about her blabbermouth daddy.
In addition to celebrity connections, and scandalizing shoulders, Duchess Meghan brought one more item of interest with her when she married Prince Harry back in May. She brought drama-spewing family members willing to sell her ass out for fame and riches! The Markle ne’er-do wells looking to cash in on Meghan’s star-crossed romance are numerous, and currently leading the charge has been Meghan’s dad, Thomas Markle.
Thomas Markle is worried he’ll never see his precious daughter Duchess Meghan again now that she’s been captured by that evil ogre Prince Harry and imprisoned high up in a castle tower. The Royal couple never did make it to Mexico to visit the old man, and now The Mirror reports that Thomas is “heartbroken” and fears that he and Meghan may not “ever be together again”. Cue: your tears. Go! Go! This is you, you’re on! You’re supposed to be blubbering right now. But I guess if you’re a cold, heartless cynic, you might take Thomas sob story with a grain of salt.
When the Royal Mail conveniently “lost” Duchess Meghan’s Father’s Day card to fame-whoring extraordinaire Thomas Markle, it was said he was gutted and feared being iced out by all those British snoots. Thomas is so gutted and devastated that he ran crying to the press to say how bad he feels about being punished. Don’t fuck with THE QUEEN, Thomas, or else she’ll punish you AND her whole damn family. Rather than meet with Thomas, QE2 has decided she’ll push him back a few decades on her calendar and instead take a meeting next month with, hoo boy, Donald Trump. What did the rest of the royals do to warrant such a punishment?! Continue reading
I once saw a first date go down at a Wendy’s, and while that might be my dream wedding venue, it was very evident the girl who got dressed up was none too pleased. That was still a helluva lot less awkward to watch than Thomas Markle, father of Duchess Meghan, jabber on last week for an interview with Good Morning Britain and British hemorrhoid-inducing “reporter” Piers Morgan. Now, for some craaaazy reason, Thomas is reportedly concerned the royal family is sick of his shit and is icing him out. Continue reading