Category: This Is Not Going To End Well

Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin Are Engaged

July 8, 2018 / Posted by:

If your Sunday ritual of eating oatmeal and reading the newspaper while listening to “A Prairie Home Companion” was rudely interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System this morning, here’s why. TMZ had to cut in to give the world the breaking news that Justin Bieber has become engaged to Hailey Baldwin! Somebody check on Selena Gomez, because she either pulled a back muscle from dodging that bullet, or she’s working on a plan to upstage Justin’s engagement by getting her friend Justin Theroux to drop to a knee and put a ring on that finger in front of the paps.  Continue reading

After Dating For Approximately Four Seconds, Ariana Grande And Pete Davidson Are Engaged

June 11, 2018 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t been following the most enduring love story of this generation and beyond, let me give you a quick timeline of 24-year-old Ariana Grande Latte and 24-year-old Pete Davidson’s blossoming love:

May 10, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana and the Nickelodeon Eminem named Mac Miller broke up.

May 19, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana was mumble moaning while humping on Pete Davidson from Saturday Night Live.

May 22, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana was so dickmatized by Pete and he was so coochmatized by her that they got matching tattoos.

June 1, 2018 – Their relationship had already gotten to that phase where she burped up vomit-inducing dingles of cheese like, “I thought you into my life.”

June 3, 2018 – Pete definitely got two tattoos in honor of his girlfriend of three seconds.

June 4, 2018 – Ariana and Pete joked about procreating.

June 11, 2018 – THEY’RE ENGAGED!!!!!

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Nickelodeon Has Parted Ways With Dan Schneider

March 27, 2018 / Posted by:

Dan Schneider, the one on the left who looks like a discount Chris Farley impersonator, was in Head of the Class and later was involved with dozens of Nickelodeon shows. He was also the focus of some extremely unsettling rumors about him and kids. Yesterday, Nickelodeon announced they’re done with Dan Schneider. I have no idea why that is.

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Kevin Spacey Is Being Investigated For A Third Sexual Assault In London

January 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Aaaaaaand we’re back. After a brief hiatus with some House of Cards on-set racism allegations, we’ve returned to the continuing story already in progress. The one where we discovered that Kevin Spacey was allegedly living his life like a beta test of an app called Gropr. Kevin was already accused of using his position at the Old Vic theater in London to harass and assault numerous men. Scotland Yard has been investigating two complaints against Kevin Spacey, and TMZ says they’ve now got a third.

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Say Goodbye To “Live With Kelly” And Hello To “The Ryan Seacrest Show!!! (Featuring Whatshername)” 

May 1, 2017 / Posted by:

Since the Demon Goblin of E!, Ryan Seacrest, was given immortality when he sold his soul to Satan many, many years ago, he doesn’t need sleep to function, so he got himself a 666th job. One year after Michael Strahan’s exit from Live caused Kelly Ripa’s belly button peen to throb with rage and scorn, ABC has announced who her new permanent co-host is. I’m not sure when ABC told Kelly Ripa that her new co-host is a trick who’s way more powerful in the game than she is, but when she did find out, I’m sure the ears of many dogs fell off and died from the high-pitched screech she let out.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Opening Up A Nightclub In Greece

October 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan’s business portfolio is a very full one. She’s tried, and failed, to sell leggings and canned spray tan and phone apps. But none of those truly spoke directly to LiLo’s personal interests like this one does. Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan announced on Instagram that she was opening a nightclub called LOHAN Nightclub. I would have thought that Lindsay would have chosen a catchier name that played off her career as an actress, but I guess there was already a nightclub called Fully Loaded. LOHAN opens tomorrow night in Athens, Greece.

lindsaylohannightclub

TMZ has a little more information on LOHAN Nightclub. Lindsay is a part-owner with her friend, Greek restaurateur Dennis Papageorgiou. Dennis is technically the owner-owner, but Lindsay gets a sizeable percentage of the profits. A spokesperson for LOHAN tells TMZ that Dennis came up with the idea to open a nightclub back in July around the same time shit went south with Lindsay and her ex-fiancé Egor Tarabasov. Lindsay will make about 2 or 3 appearances at her club each month.

The interior of LOHAN is described as “abandoned factory“, which also kind of sounds like a creative way to describe Lindsay’s present-day IMDB page. There’s also a VIP area and a completely secluded VVIP area. Hmmm, I wonder what happens back there? That’s probably just where Lindsay hosts an ultra-exclusive bi-monthly salon to discuss poetry and politics. Or maybe the completely secluded VVIP area is so secluded because it doubles as a super-secure coat check room that only Lindsay will have access to. “Don’t worry, your coats and everything inside the pockets are totally safe with me. Wink!

Pics: Instagram

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