Miley + The Flaming Lips + Lots And Lots Of Drugs = This Wreck

Here’s more proof that bad things happen when Miley Cyrus and Wayne Coyne from The Flaming Lips get together.

I thought that Wayne Coyne getting a janky prison tattoo of Miley Cyrus’ dead dog inked into his flesh was the worst decision involving Miley that he’s ever made, but he proved me wrong with this way-too-long acid nightmare of a movie that melted parts of my brain about 15 seconds in. This is Nancy Reagan’s new favorite movie and she wishes it would’ve come out in the 80s, because it’s the perfect anti-drugs PSA.

The video, which The Flaming Lips call “Blonde SuperFreak Steals the Magic Brain” and Guantanamo Bay officials call “our new favorite torture device,” starts out with a rejected John Waters character stealing JFK’s brain (which has the formula for LSD  in it) from a half-dead Miley. That first shot of a barely alive Miley drooling out foam is you while watching this video. Moby, who did himself like Pimp Mama Kris in her purest form, plays a cult leader who orders his minions, Lesbian Bigfoot and Nympho Manson Girl, to steal the glob of acid slime from Miley. Wayne described that mess like this to Rolling Stone:

“The video story is something like this: Moby is an evil, power-hungry cult leader. He wants the world’s most valuable (according to our story) psychedelic supernatural possession… John F. Kennedy’s brain….the brain contains the original formula for the drug LSD!!!

Miley Cyrus has the magic brain!!! And Moby enlists a nympho Manson girl-type blonde superfreak to go steel the brain from Cyrus.

She steals the brain from Cyrus while Cyrus is still in bed in a drug-induced coma. Cyrus finally wakes up and is mega-pissed that her BRAIN has been stolen. She enlists a burned-faced Santa and a lesbian Bigfoot ( that are hovering in a nearby spaceship) to hunt down the blond superfreak that stole her brain. They have a relentless pursuit, all the while Cyrus laments the loss of her magic brain and Moby gains powerful rainbows from hell. In the end, the blond superfreak kills Santa and Bigfoot and a baby mole ends up with the brain…”

The TL;DR version of Wayne Coyne’s description is: “I love drugs!”

This is something that a freshmen film major who thinks they’re the next David Lynch would make and edit while blindfolded and high on freon, because they really want to impress their professor James Franco.

If you really want to put your will to live to the test, watch the NSFWness below. If you make it past 10 seconds like I did, I’ll see you in the check-in area of Bellevue, because we obviously need serious help and shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions for ourselves.

Well, If This Wasn’t An Awkward Mess….

As expected, Madge and Miley Cyrus performed a mash-up of “Don’t Tell Me/We Can’t Stop” on MTV Unplugged tonight and damn it was a hoedown, hoeup mess! I guess Miley and Madge both shrugged and said in unison, “Rehearsals? Who needs it? Let’s smoke pot and make out with each other instead since we’re both 21 year old girls!”

If Regina George and Regina’s mom were dirt poor, lived in Appalachia and huffed a whole lot of freon from other people’s air conditioning units before they won the lottery and moved to the big city, this is the mother/daughter performance they’d do during the talent show at Regina’s new private high school:

All together now: JUST STOP! PLEASE! WE’RE NOT TELLING YOU. WE’RE BEGGING YOU.

But you know, it was almost so weird and tragic that I loved it. It was like watching a veteran seasoned stripper and an amateur stripper grind together during the 9am-12pm shift at a strip club in Texas that’s frequented by drifters who can only afford to tip them in squirrel meat and random motel keys. Madge looked awkward and uncomfortable and they both looked like they were forced to do it.

Madge looked like a half-assed La Tigresa Del Oriente impersonator and Miley looked like Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena as seen through the eyes of Harmony Korine. And Miley’s outfit. The hell? It looked like the outfit Punky Brewster wore when she was brutally mauled by hyenas.

And since Miley looks like a 17-year-old boy, Madge is totally going to start dating her. I’m calling it now.

Mr. Kaley Cuoco Is Going To Regret This Stellar Idea

Obviously Ryan Sweeting, the poor sap who is legally obligated to fawn over Kaley Cuoco ’til imploding Hollywood marriage do they part, didn’t get the memo that NOBODY who isn’t saying something nice for PR’s sake is putting money on their marital bliss lasting.

Ryan put a picture of this giant ass “Kaley” tattoo on his Instagram (which, by the way, is “ryansweething” and yeah, I did one of these followed by this).

Someone couldn’t have thrown a Magic 8 Ball his way? A Ouija board? A Google image of Johnny Depp’s “Wino Forever” tattoo? Their crazy uncle’s glass eye that he swears has magical powers? Anything Ryan could have used to look into the future to see that he should spend some of his kept boy toy allowance on a gift certificate for laser tattoo removal with an expiration date no more than a year away?

Someone once told me a story about an 18-year-old girl who got the name “Richard” tattooed on her inner thigh with an arrow pointing up toward her holla bits. At the very least, she should have had it say “Dick” so it would be universal for every guy that came after him (pun 100% intended).

(Pic: Instagram)

Proof That Kanye West Hates Kim Kardashian

Kanye West is an ingrown hair on society’s throbbing anus, but for once I am happy that he exists, because he created this glorious piece of dried shit that Kim Kardashian will definitely carry around in public.

Kim Kartashian threw up a picture on Instagram of the fucked-up, Illuminati Birkin bag that Kanye West gave to her for Khristmas. Kanye got artist George Condo to paint a stunning work of art on an overpriced Birkin bag. That mess is so ugly that I wouldn’t even drop a shit in it if I had the runs. Hell, I don’t even think Lucifer himself would take a dump in that shit. So I love that Kim will have to carry it around. It seriously looks like some kind of dark-sided shit you’d buy at the Illuminati gift shop for your greatest enemy. A bag that needs an exorcism is the perfect bag for Kim!

But seriously, it was very kind of Kanye to put a Kardashian family portrait on a bag for Kim. Pimp Mama Kris has never looked more beautiful (that’s her all the way to the left, right?). Kim actually looks human (that’s her next to PMK, right?). Khloe looks female for once (or is that Bruce?) and George Condo made Kourtney look like she has other facial expressions besides “duuuuuuurrrrrr.”

A true work of shitty art!

Harpo, Who Dis Baby?

If you’re still wondering what to get for the “this-close-to-being-a-hoarder-about-it” doll lover in your life or that asshole in your family you’re willing to spend any amount of money on to creep the fuck out, may I present this exquisite, albeit confusing doll of Prince George. Created by artist Fiorenza Biancheri, the doll retails for $149.99, is 20 inches long with a 30-inch replica of the royal christening gown and looks absolutely nothing like George.

The Bradford Exchange (via E! News) doesn’t seem concerned that the doll is an exact replica of HRH Prince You Tried.

According to the website, “each realistic detail of this gorgeous royal Prince royal baby doll is exquisitely hand-painted to perfectly highlight his delicate features.”

“Strong demand is anticipated for this royal baby doll, so don’t delay,” reads the Bradford Exchange site. “Order now!”

Of course there will be high demand! Marie Osmond has most likely pre-ordered one for every member of her family and that is a lot of fucking dolls. I’m waiting for a Groupon to get Michael K one because he already said he thinks the eyebrows are beauteous. That really goes without saying, given the artist obviously took them straight from any Google image of Pam Anderson.

If the Bradford Exchange had any sense, they would have let Daniel Edwards, sculptor of the (NSFW-ish) Katherine-Heigl-as-Britney birth statue handle the Prince George doll. It still wouldn’t have looked a damn thing like George, but at least there is a strong possibility Daniel would have at least thrown pics of Prince William and Duchess Kate into one of those virtual “What Will Your Baby Look Like” sites. The doll then would at least have Will’s nose and his mother’s gray hair instead of his mother’s original nose and his father’s hair.

(Pic: The Bradford Exchange)

If You’re Wondering Where All The Photoshop Went, It’s On The Cover Of USWeekly

I swear on my favorite tit that I’m not on the Kim Kardashian payroll, it’s just that this bitch is EVERYWHERE. Plus, she only pays 10% and I don’t get out of bed for less than 15 because someone needs to subsidize the high class lifestyle I lead that includes off-brand Nutella and twist-top wine.

Anyway, USWeekly‘s latest cover is Kim (no surprise) in a white bikini (even less of a surprise) with the tag lines “No gimmicks! No surgery!” and “Kim slams the fat bullies and gets her sweet revenge”, which is some well played shade. Referencing sugar when you know damn well Kim lost her weight on Atkins and hasn’t put anything sweet in her mouth since Reggie Bush packed up his dick and left!.

Everybody pick up their phones and call bullshit on “no gimmicks” because that is the exact opposite of the definition of “Kardashian”, but I can sort of buy Kim’s weight loss being surgery-free. You know, as long as they’re not factoring in the part about her gaining a pound in her lips for every ten she lost off her hips. Even if she didn’t back herself up to an empty bay at the plastic surgeon’s office to have him Shop-Vac her ass, whatever she did to her face brought her one step closer to scoring the cover for National Geograhic’s anteater issue.

Before everybody starts yelling, “Where’s your baby???”, you should know the photographer took a handful of pictures of Kim as NorthSouthEastWestU-Turn took a quick cat nap before packing up and heading back to the photo lab donated in the Kardashian family’s name by Adobe.

(Pic: USWeekly)