And I’ll keep AHAHAHAHAHAHAHABLEHEHEHEHEHEAHAHAHAHing at this perfect Louvre-worthy cover of InTouch Weekly until Kim Kartrashian’s Rose Bowl ass keeps growing and growing and growing and pushes us all off the face of the Earth. This is like James and the Giant Peach as written by Stephen King. When Kim’s ever-growing monster ass takes over 98% of the planet and we’re all running away for our lives, don’t stop if you turn around and see that her crack has gotten a hold of my right leg and is sucking me in. Save yourselves!
Because some sucio whores want to scratch at a fetish they didn’t know they had (read: watching a human bottle of Summer’s Eve squirt out douche tears while wearing a paper bag over his head), there’s a way-too-long line to see Shia LaDouche’s diarrhea-inducing performance art piece in L.A. But today, and today only, the people had a chance to feed their souls with some truly entertaining fuckery. Next door to Shia LaDouche’s poop-up (typo and it stays) performance art gallery, Jerry O’Connell copies Shia who’s copying Marina Abramovic. Now fucking with Shia LaDouche is my idea of real art. This is how you troll a troll. Trololololo.
Both Buzzfeed and Vice say that say that for today only, Funny or Die set up a stunt art piece titled #IAMSORRYTOO starring Jerry O’Connell. Just like Shia’s piss puddle of an art piece, one by one people were led into the gallery and had to pick up an object that represented one of Jerry’s movies. Sadly, there was no chewed-off peen from Piranha 3D. After the person picked up an object, they went into a room and came face-to-bag-face with some real HIGH ART! Jerry was sitting there with a bag over his head that read “SUPER FAMOUS” and unlike Shia, Jerry spit out words. Jerry spit out sowwies for what he feeds his kids and for not keeping a show on network TV. Buzzfeed stood in line and talked to Jerry about fucking with Shia and he delivered this jewel:
“Everyone’s talking about it, whether you want to call it art or a real apology, it’s hilarious. He’s getting people talking. I’m all for this artsy gallery thing. It’s fun to parody because all I have to do here is sit with a bag on my head, crying, and saying, ‘I sowwy.’ But I have to tell you; it’s freeing to continually apologize like he does. I get it. ”
O’Connell said he is curious to know if LaBeouf would find what he’s doing equally funny. “The only thing we’re fearing is that Shia, who I don’t know personally, is known to fly off the handle. I just need fair warning if he comes storming in here for a bagged man on bagged man fight because I can’t see out of this paper bag. I’m sweating like Shia in an apology booth in here. I just need warning to take cover. ”
A confrontation is doubtful though, as O’Connell said he has no plans to wait in LaBeouf’s queue. “There’s no fucking way I’m going over there,” he said. “I wouldn’t wait in that line to see a Shia movie!”
The only way this could’ve been better is if Jerry O’Connell did the entire stunt as Tommy Girl and called the piece #YOULLBESORRY.
I hope celebrities keep fucking with Shia by copying his ass and by that I mean I hope Jon Hamm sets up a glory hole gallery on the same street and calls it #YOUWONTBESORRYBUTYOURJAWWILLBE.
In a scene that looks straight out of the first season 2 episode of Orange is the New Black, the dried dingle clinging to humanity’s overused butt plug gets frisked down and up by a police officer after he was arrested in Miami for doing hood rat stuff including driving drunk, drag racing and being an overall rusty thorn stuck in civilization’s last nerve. Miami Beach PD released this swaggy booking video of Justin Bieber taking off his shoes, taking off his shirt and spreading it to get frisked and patted down by a cop. The leaders of the Wild Kidz, who is also facing felony egging charges in L.A., knows the drill, because he has to do the exact same thing when he greets Usher. This is the greatest Justin Bieber video that Justin Biever has ever starred in. It’s like feel good medicine for your soul. But that cop is really brave. When he put his hand in Justin’s baggy shorts, he was risking sticking his fingers in the turdies that the Biebs dropped during his arrest.
And while this is going down, a dude in a cell watches on and wonders who that sweet-faced, pretty-mouthed young chicken in baggy culottes is. He’s calling dibs.
Okay, which one of you whores works as the closed captioner at the BBC?
The Independent says that on Friday, the BBC wished everyone a Happy Chinese New Year by welcoming the year of the WHORES. It’s really the Year of the Horse, so some whore at the BBC used their power as a closed captioner to push the whore agenda and declare it our year! As much as it makes my nipples moist seeing BBC News shout out to the whores, it’s unfair to horses. It’s never their year (unless you count the time in 1999 when Sarah Jessica Parker won an Emmy)! Besides, isn’t it always the Year of the Whores?
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)
Seeing this picture of Mayor TomatoFace McCrackie getting tickled by Frank Di Giorgio, Toronto’s Chief Budget Officer Councillor, made me briefly wish that I had a Tickle-Me-Crackhead doll of my own until I realized that it would be fun and tickles until it pawned off my TV to buy crack, burned holes in my living room rug while smoking crack with its crackie friends and worse, tried to defend the douchery of Justin Bieber to me. So I’ll just enjoy this picture of Stay Puft Marshmallow Crackhead getting tickled from afar. But you know, maybe there’s more to this picture. Maybe Frank is looking for Rob’s secret crack stash. This is the most adorable (and vomit-inducing) pat down ever.
And I bet that right after this, Rob Ford had a giant, juicy wet spot on the back of his pants. He looks like the type who sharts when he gets tickled.
(Pic via AP)
While President Obama was talking about boring political stuff, Joe Biden continued to be that uncle who drives a red Corvette, is always dating a divorcee whose name ends with an i, smells like Jovan Musk, gives you booze at family parties and pinches a lady’s ass when he hugs her. On the other side, Tan Dad John Boehner looked about as miserable as a flea bite that’s not getting scratched and I’m guessing he was giving us Grumpy Cat, because he was either suffering from a serious case of the hard shits or he was mad that he’s only 5 shades darker than Obama. He wanted to be at least 8 shades darker. It’s even better in GIF form.
That GIF is very telling. I bet that’s both of their post-O faces. Joe’s going, “I know it was good for, toots,” and Boehner just wants to skip the cuddling and get out of there.
via Boing Boing
Missed the Woody Allen tribute – did they put the part where a woman publicly confirmed he molested her at age 7 before or after Annie Hall?
— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) January 13, 2014
Every time Giuliana Rancic, who tonight did herself up like the First Lady of the ant hill, asks some celebrity to walk their nails down the ManiCam, I always pray that one of them will punch it or something. The ManiCam is the dumbest shit invented. Elisabeth Moss heard all of our prayers tonight by flipping it off. I alway side-eye Elisabeth Moss for being a Scientologist, but I am giving her the slow clap for this. It had to be done!
Michael Bay was at CES, which is like some kind of electronics show, in Las Vegas today to slobber out words of praise for Samsung’s new, fancy TV, and his presentation was just like his movies: full of bombs, script-less and a mess. The teleprompter stopped working and Michael Bay tried to go on without it, but he tripped up and then QUIT THAT BITCH. If it was anybody else, I’d cringe until I prolapsed, but since this happened to that fun house mirror Scott Bakula-looking asshole, I laughed and laughed and laughed. This is the most entertaining thing Michael Bay has ever done! A quick minute after he gave me that beautiful moment, he admitted on his site that he’s not really good at doing it live.
Wow! I just embarrassed myself at CES – I was about to speak for Samsung for this awesome Curved 105-inch UHD TV. I rarely lend my name to any products, but this one is just stellar. I got so excited to talk, that I skipped over the Exec VP’s intro line and then the teleprompter got lost. Then the prompter went up and down – then I walked off. I guess live shows aren’t my thing.
But I’m doing a special curved screen experience with Samsung and Transformers 4 footage that will be traveling around the world.
The pleasure that Michael Bay felt while watching Megan Fox wash his Ferrari in her bikini is probably the same kind of pleasure that Megan Fox felt while watching this. DuPont should send a few workers over to Megan Fox’s house to fix her plastic face, because she totally cracked it while smiling at this.
In case you haven’t fed your soul with this priceless gem from Vine that’s been going around, here is Beyonce and the two fallen Children of Destiny throwing a trio of side-eyes when Kelly Rowland calls herself the “second lead vocalist of the group” during an interview from the olden days. Beyonce throws a triple at that bitch. She throws a side-eye, lets out a shady cough and then gives a “I’m going to swallow this ‘BITCH, PLEASE’ I’m about to spit out” look. Beyonce won’t even let Kelly be SECOND place. Beyonce is forever the Regina George to Kelly’s Gretchen Wieners. I always love it when Beyonce’s undercover bitch comes out, even if it comes out ten long years after the fact.