Category: This Belongs In A Museum

This Should’ve Been The Ending To Lost

April 14, 2014 / Posted by:

This afternoon, somebody at US Airways, who should be promoted to VP of marketing, “accidentally” tweeted their greatest ad of all-time. If Don Draper’s brain went all out and let loose, this is the kind of masterpiece ad he’d come up with and he’d win all the Andy Awards for it. Fly the friendly cooch!

Jezebel says that when an unsatisfied customer on Twatter who goes by the name @ElleRafter complained about sitting on the tarmac for an hour, US Airways responded with a little note and a beautiful portrait of a chick getting nosedived by a 777 replica. I hope for the plane fucker’s sake that there was severe turbulence. You can see the highly NSFW picture here. The windows of the Scientology Celebrity Centre have shattered from John Travolta letting out a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream after seeing a picture of his second favorite thing (next to massage therapist peen), a plane, making a crash landing into a woman’s vagina.

The tweet stayed up for a full hour before US Airways took it down and spit up this:

They shouldn’t apologize. They should take a bow, because finally an airline is telling the truth and letting you know that they’ll fuck you any chance they get.

And I’m waiting for Detective Courtney Love to tweet, “Why didn’t I think to check there?”

And Here’s Leonardo DiCaprio Busting Out Some Sweet, Sweet Moves To MGMT At Coochella…

April 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Everything about this video is a beautiful mess from Leonardo DiCatchAHo awkwardly dancing like a nervous dad at the high school prom he’s chaperoning to the girl who shot this making an “AAAAH!!!!“ face to the molly in his system finally kicking in as he lets out some kind of strange Mortal Kombat raver dance with his friend. I don’t whether they’re dancing, fight dancing, having a strange reaction to the Ecstasy they took (but isn’t every reaction to Ecstasy, a strange reaction?) or doing some kind of dude bro ritual dance. I did keep waiting for Red Bull to fall from the skies.

It starts out with Leo flirting with the beat and bopping like a sober pepaw with a bad hip, but then it cuts to him letting it all go and jumping, kicking and punching the beat and giving the hos at Coachella a real show. Leo and his friend are the lone members of the loneliest mosh pit ever. And if you’re thinking that there’s no way that’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo since a bored-looking Victoria’s Secret Angel is not at least 10 feet away from him, it is his ass apparently.

No, they aren’t covering their mouths like frat boy ninjas because Lindsay Lohan is there and they heard she wasn’t wearing panties, there was a dust storm.

And this is the greatest performance Leonardo has ever given! (…But he still won’t win an Oscar for it.)

via The Daily Beast

Detective Courtney Love Cracks Another Case

March 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Who knew that generic brand Adderall bought online from Thailand mixed with battery acid (booze doesn’t work on her anymore) strengthens your ability to burn. Because when Daniel Tosh made fun of Detective Courtney Love for solving the mystery of the missing Malaysian Airlines plane with nothing but a laptop, a bag full of illegally bought prescription pills and a dream, she smacked him back with that beautiful burn. Detective Courtney Love solved two cases in one week! Rust Cohle ain’t shit. Now Detective Courtney can use her amazing detective skills to finally recover the hundreds of millions of dollars of Kurt Cobain’s money that was stolen. (SPOILER ALERT: The Yellow King is to blame and by “The Yellow King” I mean the peanut butter meth she smoked up years ago.)

ICYMI: Billy Dee Williams Slays The Competition With His Star Wars Cha Cha On DWTS

March 18, 2014 / Posted by:

At the end of last night’s season premiere of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Whos, the Jimmy MacElroy-looking ass ice dancer who is used to working with a partner and has dance training was at the top of the leaderboard, of course, and the 76-year-old pepaw who’s got arthritis of the back and has had two hip-replacement surgeries was lying at the bottom of the bottom. Those DWTS judges continue to be pepaw-phobic trash!

We already know that either Charlie White or the come-to-life Megara Meryl Davis will win that low-rent disco ball trophy, because that mess is rigged. But the most entertaining performance of the night (and probably the entire season) came from Billy Dee Williams and his partner Emma Slater who paid homage to Star Wars with help from R2-D2, stormtroopers and Ewoks (aka Kardashians in their natural form). Billy Dee moved like me after pulling my back out from jogging around the block, and a frozen Han Solo would’ve bust out more dance moves than he did. But what Billy Dee lacked in dance skills, he made up for in YAASSS!

Billy Dee is 76, his body has been through some shit and him being on DWTS is keeping IcyHot in business. Billy Dee for the win. I just wish that at the end of that performance, Billy Dee pulled out a light saber and used it to disintegrate that raggedy possum nest on Carrie Ann Inaba’s head. The world is an unfair place, so Billy Dee will be kicked off in the next two weeks, but at least we’ll have that glorious performance. I wish I had a can of Colt 45 so I could toast to that.

And here’s my second favorite performance of the night, which came from NeNe Leakes. Bitch served up “amateur night at a Bullwinkle-themed strip club” glamour. I really hope that NeNe stays till the end and I hope Tony Dovolani remains her partner, because I really want to see him try to lift her. I can already hear his spine weeping over the sheer fear of it all.

But NeNe does owe me a new TV screen. Because I cracked mine after I threw an apple at her goofy, hungry horse smile.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

February 19, 2014 / Posted by:

And I’ll keep AHAHAHAHAHAHAHABLEHEHEHEHEHEAHAHAHAHing at this perfect Louvre-worthy cover of InTouch Weekly until Kim Kartrashian’s Rose Bowl ass keeps growing and growing and growing and pushes us all off the face of the Earth. This is like James and the Giant Peach as written by Stephen King. When Kim’s ever-growing monster ass takes over 98% of the planet and we’re all running away for our lives, don’t stop if you turn around and see that her crack has gotten a hold of my right leg and is sucking me in. Save yourselves!

Jerry O’Connell Trolls Shia LaDouche

February 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Because some sucio whores want to scratch at a fetish they didn’t know they had (read: watching a human bottle of Summer’s Eve squirt out douche tears while wearing a paper bag over his head), there’s a way-too-long line to see Shia LaDouche’s diarrhea-inducing performance art piece in L.A. But today, and today only, the people had a chance to feed their souls with some truly entertaining fuckery. Next door to Shia LaDouche’s poop-up (typo and it stays) performance art gallery, Jerry O’Connell copies Shia who’s copying Marina Abramovic. Now fucking with Shia LaDouche is my idea of real art. This is how you troll a troll. Trololololo.

Both Buzzfeed and Vice say that say that for today only, Funny or Die set up a stunt art piece titled #IAMSORRYTOO starring Jerry O’Connell. Just like Shia’s piss puddle of an art piece, one by one people were led into the gallery and had to pick up an object that represented one of Jerry’s movies. Sadly, there was no chewed-off peen from Piranha 3D. After the person picked up an object, they went into a room and came face-to-bag-face with some real HIGH ART! Jerry was sitting there with a bag over his head that read “SUPER FAMOUS” and unlike Shia, Jerry spit out words. Jerry spit out sowwies for what he feeds his kids and for not keeping a show on network TV. Buzzfeed stood in line and talked to Jerry about fucking with Shia and he delivered this jewel:

“Everyone’s talking about it, whether you want to call it art or a real apology, it’s hilarious. He’s getting people talking. I’m all for this artsy gallery thing. It’s fun to parody because all I have to do here is sit with a bag on my head, crying, and saying, ‘I sowwy.’ But I have to tell you; it’s freeing to continually apologize like he does. I get it. ”

O’Connell said he is curious to know if LaBeouf would find what he’s doing equally funny. “The only thing we’re fearing is that Shia, who I don’t know personally, is known to fly off the handle. I just need fair warning if he comes storming in here for a bagged man on bagged man fight because I can’t see out of this paper bag. I’m sweating like Shia in an apology booth in here. I just need warning to take cover. ”

A confrontation is doubtful though, as O’Connell said he has no plans to wait in LaBeouf’s queue. “There’s no fucking way I’m going over there,” he said. “I wouldn’t wait in that line to see a Shia movie!”

The only way this could’ve been better is if Jerry O’Connell did the entire stunt as Tommy Girl and called the piece #YOULLBESORRY.

I hope celebrities keep fucking with Shia by copying his ass and by that I mean I hope Jon Hamm sets up a glory hole gallery on the same street and calls it #YOUWONTBESORRYBUTYOURJAWWILLBE.

Pics: @funnyordie, Buzzfeed

Here’s The Biebs Getting Frisked By Miami Beach PD After Getting Busted For Drag Racing

February 7, 2014 / Posted by:

In a scene that looks straight out of the first season 2 episode of Orange is the New Black, the dried dingle clinging to humanity’s overused butt plug gets frisked down and up by a police officer after he was arrested in Miami for doing hood rat stuff including driving drunk, drag racing and being an overall rusty thorn stuck in civilization’s last nerve. Miami Beach PD released this swaggy booking video of Justin Bieber taking off his shoes, taking off his shirt and spreading it to get frisked and patted down by a cop. The leaders of the Wild Kidz, who is also facing felony egging charges in L.A., knows the drill, because he has to do the exact same thing when he greets Usher. This is the greatest Justin Bieber video that Justin Biever has ever starred in. It’s like feel good medicine for your soul. But that cop is really brave. When he put his hand in Justin’s baggy shorts, he was risking sticking his fingers in the turdies that the Biebs dropped during his arrest.

And while this is going down, a dude in a cell watches on and wonders who that sweet-faced, pretty-mouthed young chicken in baggy culottes is. He’s calling dibs.

 

Hip Hip Whore-ay, It’s Finally Our Year!

February 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Okay, which one of you whores works as the closed captioner at the BBC?

The Independent says that on Friday, the BBC wished everyone a Happy Chinese New Year by welcoming the year of the WHORES. It’s really the Year of the Horse, so some whore at the BBC used their power as a closed captioner to push the whore agenda and declare it our year! As much as it makes my nipples moist seeing BBC News shout out to the whores, it’s unfair to horses. It’s never their year (unless you count the time in 1999 when Sarah Jessica Parker won an Emmy)! Besides, isn’t it always the Year of the Whores?

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

Happy Friday, Here’s Rob Ford Getting Tickled

January 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Seeing this picture of Mayor TomatoFace McCrackie getting tickled by Frank Di Giorgio, Toronto’s Chief Budget Officer Councillor, made me briefly wish that I had a Tickle-Me-Crackhead doll of my own until I realized that it would be fun and tickles until it pawned off my TV to buy crack, burned holes in my living room rug while smoking crack with its crackie friends and worse, tried to defend the douchery of Justin Bieber to me. So I’ll just enjoy this picture of Stay Puft Marshmallow Crackhead getting tickled from afar. But you know, maybe there’s more to this picture. Maybe Frank is looking for Rob’s secret crack stash. This is the most adorable (and vomit-inducing) pat down ever.

And I bet that right after this, Rob Ford had a giant, juicy wet spot on the back of his pants. He looks like the type who sharts when he gets tickled.

(Pic via AP)

Meanwhile At The State Of The Union….

January 28, 2014 / Posted by:

While President Obama was talking about boring political stuff, Joe Biden continued to be that uncle who drives a red Corvette, is always dating a divorcee whose name ends with an i, smells like Jovan Musk, gives you booze at family parties and pinches a lady’s ass when he hugs her. On the other side, Tan Dad John Boehner looked about as miserable as a flea bite that’s not getting scratched and I’m guessing he was giving us Grumpy Cat, because he was either suffering from a serious case of the hard shits or he was mad that he’s only 5 shades darker than Obama. He wanted to be at least 8 shades darker. It’s even better in GIF form.

meanwhileatthestateoftheunion

That GIF is very telling. I bet that’s both of their post-O faces. Joe’s going, “I know it was good for, toots,” and Boehner just wants to skip the cuddling and get out of there.

via Boing Boing 

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