Katy Perry, Madge, Brit Brit Spears, Lady CaCa, Beyonce, Miley Cyrus and every other pop ho is sitting on top of her suitcase at the bus station waiting for a Greyhound bus to take her back to wherever the hell she came from, because her services are no longer needed or wanted now that the true Empress of Pop has come back to reclaim her rightful throne!
After solving some of the world’s hardest cases and getting engaged to a purse-holding honey-glazed ham with eyebrows sent from up above, the most talented Jackson (after Michael, Janet, Rebbie, Jermaine and Blanket) has finally given the world a brand new song. You’ve probably warped your MPEG file of “Heart Don’t Lie” from playing it over and over again all day everyday, so you FINALLY have something new from Toy Toy to fill your ear holes with repeatedly. Toy Toy’s new single “Feels Like Love,” which I’m sure is already #1 in Kazakhstan and on Blanket’s iTunes Top 25 Most Played playlist, sounds like a song that a Real Housewives would turn down for being too cliche and tacky, but Detective La Toya uses her artistic skills to turn it into a dance masterpiece that I’m sure will sweep, mop, Swiffer and vacuum the Grammys next year.
Before making your eyes and ears tingle by watching this video, I should tell you to not even think of accusing Detective La Toya of causing auto-tune to go extinct by using all of it. La Toya doesn’t even know what auto-tune is! She probably thinks it’s a place you take your car for an oil change. La Toya’s voice just naturally sounds like a robot toddler with agita.
Toy Toy is 58 and she can still kick, stretch and kick better than tramps a third of her age.
And from now on, the audience at every Beyonce show is going to look like the audience at Basement Baby’s show in the basement (read: a couple of moths and that’s it), because all the BumbleBeys have flown out of the BeyHive and into the Toy Toy Chest! You’re probably wondering, “What’s a Beyonce?” Exactly!
Welsh artist Dan Llywelyn Hall should be the only artist allowed to paint the portraits of the British royal family, because he really uses his paintbrush to capture the beauty, spirit and charisma of the royals. Dan’s portrait of THE QUEEN was praised as an artistic achievement, because he made her look like George Bush in drag holding in a butt queef. Nobody thought that Mr. Hall could top himself, but he did. He’s done it again!
Dan Llywelyn Hall, who will probably be executed by the royal family any day now, unveiled his portrait of Prince William and surprisingly it’s not titled, “Smellin’ Farts.” The portrait titled “Fatherhood” shows the second-in-line to the throne looking like he’s about to lick a window or catch a fly with his mouth. It’s absolutely stunning. Mr. Hall made Prince William look like a misshapen and melting white yam with rosacea and skid mark eyebrows. Prince William looks so powerful and so regal and he’s staring off into the distance while thinking to himself, “Durrrrrrrrrrrrr.” It’s as if he’s pondering his future as the King of England or like he just got a glimpse of Duchess Camilla’s thong as her dress blew up.
My only problem with this portrait is that he’s got way too much hair and not enough teef. The hair to teeth ratio is way off and needs to be reversed. Other than that, it’s the spitting image of Prince William and it should be made into a flag and that flag should be flown above Buckingham Palace.
Here’s more of Prince William’s perfect portrait and pictures of him and Duchess Kate at Wimbledon yesterday.
When Robin’s thumb goes up, the b-holes of blonde club tricks cringe.
Canadian-American anal fissure Robin Thicke (yes, Canada, we’re only claiming half of him) is out there whoring that album he made to get Paula Patton back (aka the album he made after he and Paula Patton decided to fake break-up and use that fake break-up to sell an entire album of “get back” songs. They’ll follow it up with a “reunion album” and hopefully they follow that album up with an album full of the cries and screams they’ll let out when the earth swallows them whole, because it’s sick of their shit). To whore out his STUNT QUEEN album, Robin is doing a Q&A on Twitter today and yesterday, Vh1, asked hos to submit their questions to the half-melted suppository in aviators to #AskThicke. It’s not going well for Vh1, but it’s going SO WELL for all of us.
Just like the beautiful #AskDraya fiasco, Twitter took #AskThicke, wiped their assholes with it and immediately gave it back to Robin. They asked Robin about his rapey lyrics, his stalking of Paula Patton and what it’s like being the human equivalent of a tampon dipped in AXE. Twitter abused the fuck out of him, but honestly, he was asking for it and it would’ve never happened if he didn’t dress like a slut.
Mario Diaz of PIX 11 was reporting from Midtown in Manhattan about Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and it would’ve been a perfect moment if Shia appeared and tried to take Mario down with his old timey cartoon boxing moves while wearing his hot corduroy leggings. But the next best thing happen. A wild-eyed, happy-faced Erykah Badu slid into the shot while wearing Twinkie the Kid’s signature hat and looking like she just swallowed a Snoop Dogg fart. She looked stoned into another dimension. Erykah floated on by like a cracked-out Pac-Man ghost and she tried to give Mario a little kiss. But because Mario is a reporter in NYC and is probably used to street trolls trying to screw with him at work, he pushed her away and kept going. Mario didn’t know that he pushed away Erykah Badu, but his wife was watching from a few feet away and knew his ass just got Badu’d.
Mario twatted this afterward:
@fatbellybella I get it because… "Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra time and your….. kiss"
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
@fatbellybella After she figured out what really happened she laughed and said, "Great taste." Next time I won't do the NYC push back.
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
Erykah Badu should stick to whatever strain of weed she smoked before she tried to kiss bomb Mario, because it’s doing good things to her. It’s so much better than whatever strain of weed she smoked before her crazy ass said that “racist gays” were the only ones criticizing her for performing for a dictator. And well, if you’re going to get trolled at work, you might as well get trolled by a stoned Erykah Badu wearing Farrah Abraham’s butt plug on her head.
TRUE BLOOD SPOILER ALERT: But really, if you haven’t watched last night’s episode, then this is probably a spoiler that your down low parts want to be alerted to.
Bless the genius soul who shouted, “HOT GAY SEX!“, during a meeting when all the other producers and writers asked, “How in the hell are we going to fix this mess of a show?” Hot gay sex is always the answer to every single question. Some True Blood watchers are probably picking dried panty pudding nuggets out of their carpet this morning, because a quick minute into last night’s episode, HBO became the gay Skinemax channel and it was beautiful. Jason Stackhouse (Side note: Jason Stackhouse could totally play a young Dubya in a gay porn parody) had another gay wet dream and his latest one starred Panty Creamer Hall of Famer and giant viking vampire sex god Eric.
If every TV in the world shut down and stopped working, it would be okay, because the greatest scene in the history of television has aired and all the TV people can go home now. Their jobs are done. Someone said on another blog that the scene was completely unnecessary and totally pandering, but they need to be slapped twice across the face with the definition of “unnecessary,” because that Sean Cody with mood lighting scene was completely necessary. Ask all the slobbering v-holes and b-holes out there. There was even a major plot twist. Jason is a top!
Thank you to everyone who took part in creating the camera. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating HBO. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating ASkars. And I even want to thank everyone who took part in creating that cheesy background music. Because together, they created this beautiful, beautiful fanfiction come-to-life scene that is relevant to all of my interests. The only way it could’ve been better is if a naked Alcide busted through the wall and he and Eric spit roasted Jason. I’m sure the writers are saving that for the finale. Keep the pandering coming!
And it would be a perfect season if every episode was full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams. Correction: It would be a perfect season if one episode showed Soooookeh and Beeeehl dying slow deaths and the rest of the episodes were full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams.
The only video I found on YT is drowning in music, so it’s best if you watch it on mute with a tub of lube by your side.
Nobody knows when this happened or if it’s a staged hoax (which I wouldn’t doubt since the Internet does nothing but spit lies right in our faces!), but apparently it did happen in real-life. I can bust out 1,000 words about the history of Shauna Sand’s exquisite lucite heels, but words escaped my brain when I watched this. At a Marlins game in Miami recently (I think), the fan cam panned through the stands and when this little kid realized he was on the Jumbotron, he pulled up his shirt, stuck out his tongue and served up a scene that made an executive from The CW sit up in their chair and say, “Hmmm, I’m seeing a one-hour drama about Bat Boy moving to Las Vegas to be the head choreographer of Chippendales. Greenlight it!”
And it looks like that little Indian sweet move machine from that video all of us have seen a thousand times has been reincarnated as a young Marlins fan. .
via HuffPo (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)
Because I’m forever a 12-year-old who sits in the green round table in the dark part of the cafeteria laughing at hos picking their noses and farting, this video of Grimace’s fabulous cousin Andre Leon Talley touching Kim Kartrashian after finger fucking a goodie out of his nose took me up, up, up and away. At the annual event where rich celebwhores parade around in fancy designer gowns so that us peasants can laugh and point at how busted some of them look, the Duchess of Vogue Andre Leon Talley sat on his throne at the top of the stairs of and talked to some of the hos there. When hallowed-out mannequin and esteemed Professor of Racism Studies Kohler Kartrashian slithered up to ALT’s throne at the Met Gala, they talked about dumb shit like what kind of dress she’s going to wear to her pre-divorce ceremony to Kanye West (SPOILER ALERT: She’s going to wear a dress with Kanye’s face on it since that’s the only way Pimp Mama Kris can keep him at the altar). When ALT summons Kanye over and Kim turns her head, that’s when the beautiful magic happens. ALT tries to be slick when he digs up into his nose. They more make stupid small talk and then ALT makes the moment even more beautiful when he touches Kim and shakes Kanye’s hand with the hand he touched his nose dingles with.
Sure, one of ALT’s minions could’ve wipe down his schnoz-digging finger with a silk napkin and Puréll (it’s like Purell, but it’s from France), but it’s better for you, it’s better for me and it’s better for everyone if we choose to believe that he wiped his nose shit on Kim and Kanye. Wipe that snot juice on Kleenex Kardashian, Andre! But whatever, Kim and Kanye wouldn’t mind. It’s not like that’s the first time (or the billionth) that they’ve had man goo smeared on them.
And here’s Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion dressed up like a lady pastor from the early 70s at USC Shoah Foundation’s 20th Anniversary Gala with Yevnige Salibian who is obviously trying to ignore the skankness behind her.
This afternoon, somebody at US Airways, who should be promoted to VP of marketing, “accidentally” tweeted their greatest ad of all-time. If Don Draper’s brain went all out and let loose, this is the kind of masterpiece ad he’d come up with and he’d win all the Andy Awards for it. Fly the friendly cooch!
Jezebel says that when an unsatisfied customer on Twatter who goes by the name @ElleRafter complained about sitting on the tarmac for an hour, US Airways responded with a little note and a beautiful portrait of a chick getting nosedived by a 777 replica. I hope for the plane fucker’s sake that there was severe turbulence. You can see the highly NSFW picture here. The windows of the Scientology Celebrity Centre have shattered from John Travolta letting out a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream after seeing a picture of his second favorite thing (next to massage therapist peen), a plane, making a crash landing into a woman’s vagina.
The tweet stayed up for a full hour before US Airways took it down and spit up this:
We apologize for an inappropriate image recently shared as a link in one of our responses. We’ve removed the tweet and are investigating.
— US Airways (@USAirways) April 14, 2014
They shouldn’t apologize. They should take a bow, because finally an airline is telling the truth and letting you know that they’ll fuck you any chance they get.
And I’m waiting for Detective Courtney Love to tweet, “Why didn’t I think to check there?”
Everything about this video is a beautiful mess from Leonardo DiCatchAHo awkwardly dancing like a nervous dad at the high school prom he’s chaperoning to the girl who shot this making an “AAAAH!!!!“ face to the molly in his system finally kicking in as he lets out some kind of strange Mortal Kombat raver dance with his friend. I don’t whether they’re dancing, fight dancing, having a strange reaction to the Ecstasy they took (but isn’t every reaction to Ecstasy, a strange reaction?) or doing some kind of dude bro ritual dance. I did keep waiting for Red Bull to fall from the skies.
It starts out with Leo flirting with the beat and bopping like a sober pepaw with a bad hip, but then it cuts to him letting it all go and jumping, kicking and punching the beat and giving the hos at Coachella a real show. Leo and his friend are the lone members of the loneliest mosh pit ever. And if you’re thinking that there’s no way that’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo since a bored-looking Victoria’s Secret Angel is not at least 10 feet away from him, it is his ass apparently.
— Roboshayka (@Roboshayka) April 13, 2014
No, they aren’t covering their mouths like frat boy ninjas because Lindsay Lohan is there and they heard she wasn’t wearing panties, there was a dust storm.
And this is the greatest performance Leonardo has ever given! (…But he still won’t win an Oscar for it.)
via The Daily Beast
Who knew that generic brand Adderall bought online from Thailand mixed with battery acid (booze doesn’t work on her anymore) strengthens your ability to burn. Because when Daniel Tosh made fun of Detective Courtney Love for solving the mystery of the missing Malaysian Airlines plane with nothing but a laptop, a bag full of illegally bought prescription pills and a dream, she smacked him back with that beautiful burn. Detective Courtney Love solved two cases in one week! Rust Cohle ain’t shit. Now Detective Courtney can use her amazing detective skills to finally recover the hundreds of millions of dollars of Kurt Cobain’s money that was stolen. (SPOILER ALERT: The Yellow King is to blame and by “The Yellow King” I mean the peanut butter meth she smoked up years ago.)