Last night, Khlozilla went on a painkiller-induced Sasquatch rampage on Twitter when she told people to get off dick after they gave her shit for staying with her boyfriend James Harden while still nursing and being married to Lamar Odom. But well, if you ask the most important woman in Hollywood and human orchid Paz De La Huerta about this, she’d tell you that little Twitter tussle should’ve never happened, because nobody should be following the Kartrashians.
On her Instagram yesterday, the greasy jewel delivered an important announcement to the world and to Kanye Kartrashian. There’s a war happening right now and we do not need to be distracted by that idiot trash Kim Kartrashian! Paz deleted her post (it still lives here), because she probably realized that in posting about Kim, she was giving Kim attention. Or she decided that she’ll save that speech for when she testifies at the anti-Kardashian hearings at the United Nations. Seriously, why aren’t Paz and Natasha from Top Model the co-leaders of the United Nations? #PazBeGandhiAndJesus.
And since no Paz post is complete without stunning pictures of her, here she is back in April looking like heaven in a trash bag.
Pics: Splash (Thanks Philip!)
When I pulled my hung over, broke off and dozed off body out of bed this morning, I almost went back to bed when I went through my feed and got the image of Justin Bieber praying to the Gods above to let him top One Direction. If you stay really quiet and open up your ear holes really wide, you can hear the sound of Usher cackling over the Biebs trying to top anyone.
After I saw this perfect headline that will no doubt win every Peabody Award, I didn’t even want to read the story, because that mess is the only thing I needed. But Page Six’s story is about how Justin Bieber and One Direction are currently wrestling for the top position in the Battle of the Tattooed Twinks (“I’ve had that wet dream before!” – Kevin Spacey). Both the Biebs’ redemption album Purpose and One Direction’s album Made In The A.M. came out on Friday and only one of them can be on top. Billboard said a couple of days ago that the Biebs has spit on the hairless b-holes of One Direction and is getting ready to stick the tip in, because expert types say that his album is selling more than theirs. That probably has to do with his team doing whatever it takes for him to top One Direction. The Biebs is trying to find ways to “pump” up his album sales so he can really stick it to 1D good. Beaver balls deep good.
Sources say his team’s found ways to pump album sales including bundling his new release, “Purpose,” with tickets to two Staples Center shows last week — “That would be nearly another 40,000 albums [sold] right there,” said a source. He’s also partnered with ride-hailing app Lyft to give riders a download of his album for $5 through a “buy and ride” button. “Those will also go toward the charts,” a source said.
And seriously, I don’t know whether to hate Page Six or love Page Six, because the week has barely started, and burned into my brain is the picture of the 1D dudes with their asses up, trying not to laugh as Justin Bieber tries to top them one by one.
Here’s Justin Bieber’s dream bottoms leaving BBC Radio 2 yesterday.
The answer to that headline question is: Lots of people, apparently. Weird, I know. And I felt like a picture of the Target Lady giving two imaginary hand jobs and one imaginary blow job was appropriate for this story.
Usually when I hear orgasm moans and “OH YES! OH FUCKING YES!” sounds at Target, it’s from someone’s mom losing her mind over Doorbuster deals on Dove body wash and Glaceau Fruit Water. But at a Target in Campbell, CA on Wednesday morning, the orgasm moans filling the store was from a porn that accidentally played on the speakers. Executives at Walmart are probably rolling their eyes at that, because yeah, Target may give you sounds from a porn, but if you go to any of their locations in Florida, you can see a meth head jacking off onto a shower puff while butt boning himself with a toothbrush.
When us regulars want to get back at an asshole slut cheating ex-piece, we scream, “You fucked my friend, you whore,” outside of his job before spray painting the words “You Cheating Bastard” on his car in red. But when scorned bitches with cash to burn want to get revenge, they pay a plane to fly a beautiful “CHEATER” banner during their ex’s special moment. Bow down, because this is how it’s done.
The come-to-life annoying Alfred E. Neuman bobblehead that is Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday for his achievement in writing a check for thousands of dollars with the words “For my Hollywood Walk of Fame star” written in the memo part. During the ceremony, a thing of petty bitch beauty happened when a plane flew overhead carrying a “CHEATER” banner. Since the plane flew over Hollywood, that gorgeously cuntastic message could have been for 95% of the population, but it was obviously meant for the throbbing pimple on the Food Network’s taint and his alleged wandering dick.
A witness type tells E! News that the plane magically appeared right when Bobby took the mic to give his “acceptance speech” and circled the area until he was done. Why am I picturing Stephanie March whispering the words, “Okay, counting down… 3..2..1… go,” into a walkie while disguised as a tree on the street?
Nobody has taken credit for shitting on Bobby Flay’s day in a beautiful way yet, but of course, everyone’s looking at his estranged wife Stephanie March. But I’d like to believe that as that plane flew by, noted nightmare maker Ina Garten was on a nearby hotel rooftop bar cackling into the sky while holding a limoncello martini.
Three shocking things happened last night:
1. I fell into a red wine and cheese and peanut butter crackers-induced coma on my bed and House Hunters International was NOT playing on my TV. This hasn’t happened in months and no wonder I had sex nightmares that involved Chris Brown. House Hunters International always lulls me into a peaceful sleep.
2. Brit Brit Spears opened up her mouth and actual words produced by her voice box came out.
3. Brit Brit Spears’ mic was actually turned on during her show in Las Vegas.
Everything you thought you knew about the world was flipped, flopped and fucked sideways last night when Brit Brit spoke and everybody heard it because her mic was actually live. Both Digital Spy and TMZ says that during her Piece Of Me show at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas last night, some messy trick in the audience called her a “fat bitch.” It was probably that Utz Girl. Trick is still pissed that Brit Brit chose Chester Cheetah as her main boo. You know that Utz Girl can hold a grudge and you know how she gets when she’s drunk. Brit heard the heckler, which is also surprising, because I didn’t think she paid attention during her shows. I just thought she moved her lips, waved her arms and thought about where she’s going to make Daddy Spears take her for ice cweam afterward.
Brit Brit launched a beautiful fuck word at the hater and her mic was on so everyone heard. The mic being on was probably a mistake. That’s some Robert Durst shit and it gave us this beautiful moment:
Kudos to the person who acted fast and brought Brit Brit’s hard drive out of sleep mode by moving her wireless mouse around. Now this is the Our Lady of Cheetos I love. More of this. But she didn’t really need to say anything since she already won. That fat bitch already got that heckler’s MONAY!
Here’s Brit Brit giving you Softer Side of Sears glamour at one of the Cheetolings’ soccer game a few days ago.
On The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night, Jimmy played a completely spontaneous and totally unrehearsed game of random musical impressions with the yodeling bronzer stick in a white wig we call Xtina. Xtina’s Samantha Jones impersonation could win her the first place trophy at the Snatch Game Grand Championship, so it’s no surprise that she can spit out pretty good impersonations. Xtina did Cher, Shakira and Brit Brit last night.
Xtina’s Shakira impression didn’t cause a herd of horny goats to break through the door and hump her mouth, so she doesn’t get many points for that one. But her Cher was pretty spot-on and after she opened her mouth to impersonate fellow Mouseketeer Brit Brit Spears, Cheetos dust, gas station fumes, Frapp foam and KFed’s jizz filled my ears. And yes, since KFed’s jizz filled my ears, my head is pregnant with triplets now.
If you really want to see Jimmy Fallon’s David Bowie and Michael McDonald impersonations, watch the whole thing. But if you’re only here to see Xtina get possessed by the spirit of Our Lady of Cheetos circa 1999, skip to the 1:45 mark in the video below:
It’s perfect. If Brit Brit ever needs a ghost singer, she knows who to call.
If Xtina was doing old-school Brit Brit, then I’d easily give her 5 out of 5 Cheetos:
But if Xtina was doing new-school Brit Brit, then I can only give her half a Cheeto and that’s being generous:
Because if she wanted to do new-school Brit Brit, she’d move her mouth for a little bit before giving up halfway to eat hot wings.
And I posted one or two of these yesterday, but here’s more of Xtina at the Vanity Fair Oscar party doing an impersonation of Double Trouble from She-Ra at a quickie wedding in Reno.
Being a gracious loser is so overrated and life’s too short to not snatch a crown right off of a trick’s head. The runner-up of Miss Amazonas 2015 knows what I’m talking about and when she lost the main prize on Friday in Brazil, she won the title of Miss Fuck It 2015 when she yanked the crown off of the winner’s head.
The Guardian says that when Carol Toledo won the title of Miss Amazonas 2015, the other beauty queens put on manufactured smiles and pretended to be happy, but not the runner-up Sheislane Hayalla (that’s Portuguese for “Stay in your lane, bitch“). Sheislane hugged Carol at first, but then she couldn’t resist the urge to show those judges that she’s the real winner by displaying grace and elegance. After Carol Toledo was crowned, Sheislane Hayalla pulled her crown off, threw it on the floor and sashayed away while screaming something in Portuguese as the contestant in yellow clapped for her. I like that queen in yellow. She is the kind of friend who will hold your purse when you need to fight a bitch and fix your lipstick for you afterward.
Sheislane later apologized in a video and on Facebook, but said she didn’t regret crown-snatching a trick, because she wanted to show everyone that money shouldn’t be able to buy you everything. Sheislane believes Carol’s win was bought.
“I wanted to express my disapproval of the actions in the preparations for Miss Amazonas 2015. I do not regret having protested. I believe I have planted change in this great contest. I wanted something clean and honest.”
Well, Sheislane could be removed as runner-up and Carol is going on to represent her state in the Miss Brazil pageant, so I don’t know what kind of change she’s talking about. Maybe she means that next year pageant officials will Super Glue that crown onto the head of the chick who bought it so her rival can’t rip it off. I do love a good crown-snatching and I want to slow clap while giving Sheislane a standing ovation, but I can’t. That was some sloppy work. She really should’ve trained with Miss Wig Snatcher Brazil 2009. When you snatch a trick’s crown, you need to silently creep up on her like a ninja and snatch that tiara and her hair in one swoop before disappearing into the darkness.
YES! That is how it’s done. Scalp that bitch and leave her practically bald.
Ageless Romney Girl and FOX News contributor Stacey Dash, who was never drugged by Bill Cosby FYI, celebrated her 48th birthday on Tuesday and Instagrammed this picture from her big blowout. Judging by that picture alone, the only people who showed up to her party were the lone mariachi guy she hired and the assistant who took the picture. I guess her party’s theme was Forever Alone. In Stacey’s caption of her birthday picture, she wished herself a happy birthday and reminded everyone that’s it’s January with a hashtag:
Thank you Lord for another year Happy Birthday to me (and to everyone that shares 1/20 God Bless you) #happybirthday #staceydash #January
That picture looks like a still from the Twin Peaks reboot. This picture has all the ingredients for a beautiful work of art from the lone mariachi chilling under that archway to that tiara from Big Lots on Stacey’s head to that weird cake candelabra to the discount last call children’s birthday cake from Albertson’s. That cake looks like all the Care Bear diarrhea’d on it. If you replaced that mariachi guy with my mom, Stacey with me and that struggle cake with a He-Man cake, that picture would look like it was taken at my lonely ass 6th birthday party.
And I didn’t think it was possible, but Stacey Dash managed to snatch away the title of Loneliest Birthday Party Picture from Kirk Cameron.
A Birthday cake candelabra and a lone mariachi are the new Subway sandwich and sad lady hovering in the doorway.
If at the end of the Miss Universe pageant, all of the losers took off their heels and beat Donald Trump with them, that would be the best part of the entire competition. That doesn’t happen, so the best part of the pageant is the National Costume contest, which went down in Miami last night.
Dozens of beauty queens from around the world risked breaking their necks, cracking their shoulder bones and pulling their back muscles while carrying forty tons of glitter-covered fuckery on their bodies. The National Costume contest is the competition that separates the queens who don’t give a shit and bought their costume at a Party City on Biscayne from the queens who go all out and let their patriotic fuckery flag fly high. Case in point: Miss Canada who gave us Canada’s answer to the legendary low-budget Transformers costume from Miss USA in 2013.
Allison should be proud of her home country today, because they broke the budget by throwing as much props as possible on top of Miss Canada. If Marie Antoinette moved to Canada, fell in love with a hockey-obsessed traveller and married him, this is what she would wear on her wedding day and that wedding would be featured on an episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. She looks like the queen in The Sports Network’s version of Game of Thrones called Game of Hockey Sticks. The only way this costume could’ve been more hockey crazy is if she shot pucks out of her crotch at the judges. Yes, Miss Canada’s spine is probably broken now, but I’m sure she’ll look stunning in her bedazzled body cast when they wheel her onto the stage at the Miss Universe pageant to accept a bouquet of roses for winning Best National Costume.
I put over 30 costumes after the cut. I put them after the cut instead of in a gallery, because you can burn some calories by scrolling. And if you scroll really fast, you’ll know what it feels like to ride through the It’s A Small World ride on a speed boat while high on acid. Hunger Games Tribute realness ahead!
I watch a lot of HSN and QVC (No, I don’t buy any of that crap! Ignore that pile in the corner of WEN by Chaz Dean hair products and Huggable Hangers.), so I’m used to the crazy and hilarious dumb stuff that comes out of their mouth as they try to sell useless shit to stoned gays (GUILTY!), insomniac memaws and lonely housewives. It’s understandable since they always have to keep their mouths moving, but this shit that happened earlier this week is a beautiful train wreck of derp.
While selling some blouses that look like rags a bunch of Lisa Frank animals got their periods on, Isaac Mizrahi and QVC’s Shawn Killinger got into a debate on whether the moon is a planet or a star or whatever. Duh mun: HoW duz it werk? If this clip was their audition to take over from Neil deGrasse Tyson as the new hosts of Cosmos, they nailed that bitch! I hope this leads to them starring with Sherri Shepherd in an educational TV show about astronomy and evolution.
And in case you need it in text form:
Shawn: It almost kind of looks like what the earth looks like when you’re a bazillion miles away from the planet moon. The planet moon….. From the moon looking back at the earth.
Isaac: From the planet moon…..
Shawn: Isn’t the moon a star?
Isaac: (in his Auntie Mame accent) No, the moon is a planet, darling.
Shawn: The sun is a star. Is the moon really a planet? Don’t look at me like that! The sun is a star. Is the sun not a star?
Isaac: I don’t know what the sun is.
Shawn: The sun is a star, isn’t it? (After a producer says something into her ear) The moon is not a planet. I KNEW IT! You were trying to take me down that road.
Isaac: The moon is not a planet! Wait, excuse me, Chunky….
Those dum-dums! The moon is a planet and the sun is a star? HA! Everyone knows that the sun is a British baby and the moon is a sunglasses-wearing, piano-playing lounge singer. Embarrassing! They need to watch more 80s and 90s television so they can educate themselves right. And who is Chunky? Is Chunky a planet or a star?