Corey Feldman is a human fountain of HIGH ART and he’s already gifted the world with masterpieces like his museum-worthy video for Ascension Millennium and the MS Paint-made cover for his double-album Angelic 2 The Core. But he somehow found a way to outdo himself in a Today Show performance that made people cringe so much that they have a new field of wrinkles on their face. They obviously cringed over the fact that they will never have the skills to swirl out the kind of flaming hot moves that Corey Feldman swirled out this morning.
I’ve always thought that if you’re going to burn bridges, cover that shit in gallons of gasoline, light that bitch up with a grenade, and after they’re all burned down, piss on the ashes while laughing. It seems like Noah Galvin, the star of the ABC show The Real O’Neals, agrees with me, because during an interview with Vulture, dude sharpened his shank, went in, cleaned it off with a towel, sharpened it a second time and went in again. Noah lined up Colton Haynes, Bryan Singer, some unnamed guest actor on his show, Eric Stonestreet and more and read them until his finger tips got sore from turning the pages. This interview is very “gay Katherine Heigl on steroids.” He let us KNOW!
Prince Hot Ginge and that other one continued to work really, really hard for that taxpayer money today by playing with Star Wars stuff and meeting the cast at Pinewood Studios in Buckinghamshire. PHG and Prince George’s papa je’e met Mark Hamill and Daisy Ridley who are currently filming Star Wars: Episode Who Cares What It’s Called It’s Still Going To Make Forty Billion Dollars No Matter What. PHG also had a sweet moment with Chewbacca, and if I was into wookie-on-human-porn (Tip of the day: Don’t Google “wookie-on-human-porn“), I’d check myself into an insane asylum, but before I did that, I’d print out this picture, grab a tub of Crisco and lock myself in my bedroom for the next 4 hours.
One thing I learned from that picture is that if I want to get a sweet hug from PHG, I need to be over 7 feet tall, covered in mangy hair, smell like wet dog ass and have bugs living on my body. I better learn how to walk in stilts, spray myself with one of Justin Bieber’s cologne and go through Brit Brit Spears’ trash cans for cast-off weaves I can tape to my body. I hear you saying, “At least you don’t have to worry about getting bugs to live on your body since I’m sure you’re already covered in crabs.” Haha, very funny. (You’re right.)
And here’s another picture of PHG and his brother having a light saber fight.
Since my brain is always set to “sucio” I would say, “I’d wish they’d take that sword fight to my mouth,” but gross. Not with Prince William holding the other “sword.” Now if it was Prince Philip, that’d be a different story.
Pics: WPA Pool, Getty @KensingtonRoyal
Johnny Depp And Amber Heard Give The Performances Of Their Careers In This Hostage, I Mean, Apology Video
Thank you to Australia for starting this Monday off right with a heaping serving of extra greasy schadenfreude topped with a dollop of chunky cringe. Amber Heard and dirty clump of drain hair Johnny Depp were in a Gold Coast courtroom this morning for the case of the century! Amber was charged with two accounts of illegally importing pooches after she and Johnny Depp shat on Australia’s quarantine laws by smuggling their Yorkies Boo and Pistol into the country on a private jet. Australia law states that dogs coming in from foreign countries must be put into quarantine for at least 10 days. Boo and Pistol are registered in Amber’s name, so she’s the trick who went down and was hit with charges.
Amber said last year that she planned to spit out a not guilty plea in court, but I guess she didn’t want to risk getting thrown into an Australian prison cell and miss out on serving up her try hard pose game at events. Because CNN says that she pleaded guilty to falsifying quarantine documents. The Yorkie smuggling charges were dropped. The court gave Amber an extra, extra light swat on the wrist by sentencing her to a one-month good behavior bond. If she breaks the bond, she’ll have to pay a fine of 1,000 Australian dollars.
Amber’s lawyers told the court that she had the tireds when she filled out the immigration forms after arriving in Australia and she thought her assistant was the one handling Boo and Pistol’s travel stuff. The best part of all of this was the apology video that Johnny and Amber were forced to make. It’s like watching two spoiled ass brats apologizing to the kid they bullied as their moms watch. Watching the embalmed dried prune that is Johnny Depp trying to give one fuck while talking about Australia’s biosecurity laws just made my entire week. To achieve that concerned in the face look, Johnny’s acting coach probably told him to slowly push out a fart while shooting this public display of awkward. It looks like he’s being forced to watch Mortdecai. Not since Cry-Baby has Johnny Depp given such a multi-layered performance!
And I bet that somewhere off camera, Barnaby Joyce (Australia’s agriculture minister who was called a “fame whore” by Amber and got threatened with an ass kicking by Johnny) was holding a gun to Johnny’s favorite scarf while saying, “With feeling, bitch! With feeling! Or the scarf gets it!”
I know what I’m doing this weekend. I’m going to go to every church in my area to slip an extremely important addendum into every Holy Bible in every pew. And that extremely important addendum is: Frontiers Magazine’s Oral History of The Golden Girls.
Frontiers Magazine got some of the writers and producers from the greatest show of all-time, The Golden Girls, to share pieces of priceless gems about the show and its stars. What I learned from it is that Estelle Getty adored the gay community and Rue McClanahan once got cat-called by construction workers and she loved it. But as Jezebel points out, the best story is about how Bea Arthur was never the one. Nowadays, famous whores have it oh-so-easy. If a hating hater hates on them, they can easily slap that trick in 140 characters or less on Twitter. Back in The Golden Girls days, famous types had to do a little work to shut a ho down.
No, I’m not talking about his Grammys Red Solo Cup. He doesn’t own that anymore. He donated it to the Museum of Cool Dads.
America doesn’t run on Dunkin’ anymore. Right now, the world, including America, runs on the stories from musicians who were told by David Bowie to chew on an anus scab and swallow. Ambien’s biggest competitor, Coldplay, already told us about the time that David Bowie refused to collaborate with them because he felt the song belonged at the bottom of a Port-A-Potty bowl. Bowie also turned down a collaboration with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and told Bono that his musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark should’ve been called Spider-Man: Just Turn That Turd Off. Well, now Dave Grohl has his own “…the time David Bowie shat on me” story.