Category: This Remake Doesn’t Need To Happen
The Latest “Friday The 13th” Reboot Has Been Killed
A strange thing happened recently. Hollywood decided they didn’t want to go through with another reboot of a movie from the 80s. But it wasn’t because they didn’t want to ruin childhoods again. It’s all about money. Multiple sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that Paramount has dropped plans for their Friday the 13th reboot.
Anne Hathaway And Rebel Wilson Will Star In A Remake Of “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels”
In August, The Hollywood Reporter said that MGM is doing a gender-flip remake of 1988’s Dirty Rotten Scoundrels starring Rebel Wilson. And now The Hollywood Reporter says that Anne Hathaway is joining Rebel.
The original starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine as two con men trying to swindle an American heiress out of $500,000. Nasty Women, which is what this remake is called, will star Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson. Anne and Rebel will play two women “from different walks of life” who team up to con a tech prodigy out of his money. Rebel Wilson is also a producer on it.
The first Dirty Rotten Scoundrels had a real slobs vs. snobs dynamic, so I’m taking that “different walks of life” thing as a sign that Nasty Women will be similar. Ann-with-an-E was born to play the uptight snob role, which means Rebel will probably play the snob. Although I really wish they’d switch it and make Rebel the snob and Anne the slob. I want to see Oscar-winner Anne Hathaway pretend to use a fancy dining room chair like a toilet.
I’m not a huge Dirty Rotten Scoundrels fan, but I’m still a little hesitant about this remake. We already have the perfect movie about two con women with a talent for grifting. It’s called Heartbreakers. There’s no way you can make a better movie than Heartbreakers, so why bother? Oh no, that totally sounded like I was challenging Hollywood to remake Heartbreakers. I take it back! Nasty Women – great, sure, whatever, just please leave Heartbreakers alone.
Pic: Twitter
The Rock Is Bringing Us A Jumanji Remake
Unless you’re living under an MDMA soaked Coachella rock with a flower headband atop it, you know that Hollywood lives for giving us remakes and reboots we didn’t know we wanted. Probably because we don’t want them. If a movie is good enough to warrant a remake, does it really need to be remade? Amirite? What’s that about?! We’ve got steaming piles being thrown at us every other day. Amongst them is Bradley Cooper‘s A Star is Born that isn’t starring Beyonce, Fox’s Rocky Horror, James Franco‘s Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (UGH NO STOP) and the Dax Shepherd directed CHIPs. And now, we can add Jumanji to the list. Brought to us by The Rock, legal name, Dwayne Johnson.
Daisy Ridley May Play Lara Croft In The “Tomb Raider” Reboot
Despite the fact that there are tons of truly great video games that totally deserve a messy film adaptation (I’m looking at you, Shaq Fu), the lazies in Hollywood have decided to reboot the Tomb Raider franchise. And according to Daisy Ridley (aka Rey from Star Wars: The Force Awakens), it might star Daisy Ridley as Lara Croft. I guess OctoMom was busy?
Daisy hinted to The Hollywood Reporter at the Empire Awards in London on Sunday that she’s had “conversations” about playing Lara Croft. Daisy can’t confirm that she’s taking over Angelina Jolie’s old job, because no one has technically offered her the role. According to THR, there isn’t even a script yet. But Daisy says she she’s waiting for someone to call her up and offer it to her. It doesn’t matter that she’s currently filming Star Wars 8 right now; Daisy says she’s available.
Apparently she’s not the only one who really wants to see Daisy Ridley in a pair of khaki booty shorts and an ass-length braid. Daisy’s Star Wars co-star John Boyega tells THR that he texted Daisy after playing Tomb Raider and told her that she should be the next Lara Croft.
I hope Daisy has a good insurance policy, because the boners of a million fanboys just imploded at the possibility of nerd goddess Lara Croft being played by the hot chick from the Star Wars reboot. She hasn’t even been offered the role yet! That’s just reckless. The only way she could be more reckless is if she started a rumor that she’s replacing Ben Affleck in a gender-reversal reboot of Batman. Here’s more of the maybe future Lara Croft at the Empire Awards in London yesterday.
Pics: Wenn.com
Now In “Things That Should Be Illegal” News: A Labyrinth Reboot Is Happening
Somewhere in the afterlife, the ghost of David Bowie just called a meeting with the ghost of Jim Henson to discuss the best way to haunt the shit out of whoever thought a Labyrinth reboot was a good idea.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, the latest nugget of nostalgia from your childhood to get the unnecessary remake treatment will be Jim Henson’s 1986 film Labyrinth. In case you’re not familiar with the life-changing magnificence that is Labyrinth, it’s a musical puppet fantasy movie starring David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King, a sexy baby-stealer who looks like what you’d get if Elvira Mistress of the Dark and a pound of coke had a baby, and a young Jennifer Connelly as Sarah, the sister of the baby he steals. Also, tons of fucked-up puppets. It’s basically the most perfect movie from the 80s. And now Hollywood is going to give it the Jem and the Hollograms treatment! All together now:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
And if you’re still standing after that “NOOOOO!“, feel free to follow it up with a “WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYYY????” while falling to the floor and curling up into the fetal position like I did.
Here are the details on Hollywood’s latest example of shameful disrespect for feathered hair and puppets. TriStar (the company responsible for the first Labyrinth) worked out a deal with The Jim Henson Co. to produce a new Labyrinth. They’ve hired one of the co-writers of Guardians of the Galaxy to write it, and it will be produced by Jim Henson’s daughter Lisa Henson. No word on who will be cast in this mess, but one thing is for sure: no matter who they get to play Jareth, there’s no way they’ll be able to work a goblin king crotch bulge like David Bowie could.
I don’t blame The Jim Henson Company for throwing a giant ugly watermark over Bowie’s dick; if I was responsible for one of the most important and stunning pieces of visual art of all time, I’d want my name all over it too.
Pics: TriStar, The Jim Henson Co.
Laverne Cox Is Frank-N-Furter In Fox’s “Rocky Horror” Remake
Fox announced today that yes, they’re actually going through with their remake of Rocky Horror Picture Show and they have chosen Laverne Cox as the one who will inherit Tim Curry’s garter belt and fuck-me heels. Fox is describing their Rocky Horror reboot as a 2-hour taped event and a “reimagining,” which is TV talk for “We’re going to butcher the shit out of it, make it ‘family friendly’ and leave you crying and begging for mercy.” via Deadline
Laverne Cox already made history as the first transgender actor to receive an Emmy nomination. Now the Orange Is The New standout is breaking new ground for transgender performers as star of Fox’s TV remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Cox will play Dr. Frank-N-Furter, the role played by Tim Curry in the original Broadway cast and the 1975 movie. With Cox on board, the The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which had been gestating for a while, is getting a formal green light for a premiere in fall 2016.
I’m sure people from Glee, Scream Queens and Empire are going to fill the rest of the cast. You won’t find me bitching (“That’s a first” – you) if Cookie Lyon got cast as Magenta, but my nerves are splitting just from thinking about Lea Michele as Janet. I hope Fox doesn’t cast Fox people, though. I hope the casting of Laverne Cox is just the beginning of an all-OITNB cast that looks like this:
Sophia IS Frank-N-Furter!
Lorna IS Janet!
John Bennett IS Brad!
Red IS Magenta (I just wanted to type that)!
Big Boo IS Eddie (I mean, she’s already done it)!
Flaca IS Columbia!
Pornstache IS Rocky!
Piper IS Riff Raff!
And I only chose Piper as Riff Raff, because she kind of looks like him. But in my dream mash-up of OITNB and Rocky Horror, Riff Raff doesn’t speak and barely gets any screen time.
Pic: @TinPanLA