Oh, It’s Just French Actress Corinne Masiero Stripping Out Of A Donkey Costume In Protest At The César Awards

Leave it to the French to douse a COVID-19-related protest with massive amounts of dramatique glamour!

Many headlines about this story say that 57-year-old French actress Corinne Masiero did herself up like Eeyore eating Carrie (no, not in a bestiality kind of way) and got naked at the César Awards to protest the continued closure of movie theaters due to le coronavirus. So when I read that, I nearly slid into an anti-mask Facebook group to let the “Karens” there know that this French Karené is showing them how a tone-deaf protest is really done. But those headlines apparently got it wrong.  Corrine’s bloody ass stunt was to call out the French government’s response to helping artists who are out of work because of the pandemic. And she did it while wearing a pair of stunning tampon earrings that’ll make you say, “Who knew that Prince Charles sold jewelry on Etsy!” NSFW WARNING: There are protestin’ nipples and cooch after the cut.

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What In The Hell Happened To Draco Malfoy?!

So far today, we’ve posted about alleged child abuse, alleged gonorrhea-giving and alleged child abuse allegedly at the hand of a human strain of gonorrhea. So let’s lighten things up with Kristen Stewart’s lightened-up mop! I know, that “joke” is more depressing than anything that’s been posted today.

Kristen Stewart has said before that getting her picture taken is more painful than taking a bath, but since she loves money and free designer clothes (and who doesn’t), she agreed to get her picture taken at an event for Chanel N5 L`Eau in West Hollywood last night. I know I joked that KStew looks the human form of a clump of hair found in the shower drain in a bathroom at Malfoy Manor, but I love that piss yellow hair color and that’s not me saying I’m into golden showers. That overused urinal cake hair color takes me back. You truly haven’t lived the life of a dark-haired teenager until you’ve tried to go blond with Sun-In, peroxide, mustache lightening creme from your auntie’s bathroom cabinet and a prayer. Every teenage non-blondie has probably heard a friend scream, “Bitch, don’t touch that shit, I’ll blow, I’ll blow,” as the crap in our hair starts to eat our scalp and we’re waving our hands around to keep from scratching at it. So, I love Kristen Stewart’s hair, and she probably loves it too since the bleach fried and killed all of the lice.

And here’s more of a yallaw-haired (copyright: Tim Peeler) KStew wearing a crop top sweater made from a stovetop hood filter at last night’s Chanel thing. I also threw in pictures of Rachel Zoe, Milla Jovovich and Johnny Depp’s daughter.

Pics: Splash

Things I Can Still Hear: The Scream That Meryl Streep Let Out Last Night

Yesterday was the second day of the Democratic National Convention, and out was Susan Sarandon looking like she’d rather felch a porcupine who just ate Taco Bell than listen to speakers throw out praise for Hillary Clinton. In was Meryl Streep squealing out a pro-Hillary battle cry of joy while double fisting the air and working one of her old patriotic looks.

Hillary Clinton officially became the first woman to be nominated for President of the United States by a major party yesterday, and her man Bill Clinton, and his Fashion Fair Perfect Finish® mug, were the headliners of the night. But before and after Ole’ Bubba’s speech, he had many opening acts and a few closing acts including Elizabeth Banks, America Ferrera, Alicia Keys, Lena Dunham, Debra Messing (who surprisingly didn’t put her taunting hands on the side of her head while saying, “Na na na na na na na, Susan!“, into the camera) and THEE MERYL STREEP!

Meryl followed Bill and when she took the podium, she let out the kind of scream-cry of happiness that I let out whenever the Henny Penny episode of The Golden Girls comes on the Hallmark Channel. As Meryl spoke, those flag poles in the back thought to themselves, “Of COURSE that shady Meryl Streep had to steal our look and work it better.”

Yes, Meryl Streep has been nominated for an Oscar 19 times, has starred in a zillion movies and is considered by many to be the greatest living actress (those many obviously haven’t seen Gina Gershon’s work in Showgirls), but the Republican National Convention had Scott Baio. And did Meryl Streep have a starring role in Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2? I think not. So, sorry, DNC, you tried it, but the RNC still won the category of STAR POWER!

And here’s Meryl Streep working her Catherine Malandrino American flag dress to a screening of Doubt in 2008.

Pics: Splash

Oh, It’s Just Jennifer Lopez Reminding You That She’s Very Sexy

Living shimmer brick Jennifer Lopez celebrated her 46th birthday last night at a club in the Hamptons, and she wore…whatever you’d call this. It looks sort of like a dress that was made from those tissue paper thongs they give you when you go get your snatch waxed and some factory defect sheer panel shapewear. Regardless of whatever it is, JLo is working the hell out of it. She’s serving up classy funeral stripper realness, and I love it.

JLo’s dress is hot (vaguely slutty + covered shoulders = always a hot combo), but sadly, it’s nothing compared to the overwhelming beauty that was her 45th birthday cake. Maybe that would explain JLo’s dress. Maybe when it came time to get dressed for this year’s birthday party, a vision of that exquisite buttercream nightmare flashed before her eyes and it whispered “Girl, you need to step up your game this year, because I set the bar very high.” And that’s how several pairs of black pantyhose became an dress.

And if this is what JLo wears to her 46th birthday party, I can’t wait to see what kind of next-level “I’M STILL VERY SEXY” eleganza she pulls out for her 50th. I’m sure there’s a team of stylists working on a single stretch mesh ribbon as we speak.

Here’s more of a newly 46-year-old JLo arriving to her birthday party last night with her professional…uh…boyfriend (???) Casper Smart. Also at the party was French Montana, who appeared to be wearing an ill-fitting children’s Tony Manero costume from a Party City outlet store.

Pics: Splash

Jaden Smith Is Doing Dresses Now

But don’t worry, I’m sure he’s still doing next-level bonkers intergalactic Scientoloteen too. Because Jaden Smith is truly a vanguard of life and is clearly much more ~unique~ that the rest of the 16-year-old passengers on Spaceship Earth (at least in his mind, I’m sure), Jaden Smith has started working women’s dresses into his current rich kid wardrobe. Which totally makes sense, since science fiction has taught me that 1000 years into the future, we’re all going to end up wearing the same shapeless grey sack dress. Jaden isn’t challenging gender norms, he’s just preparing for the future times!

The Daily Mail recently posted a picture of Jaden wearing some kind of dress/diaper/skort/fabric fuckery while wandering around Calabasas in the middle of the day on Thursday (cut to every 16-year-old sitting in 4th period math silently cursing out their parents for not being Will Smith), but if his Instagram account is any indication, he’s been getting into ladies casuals for a while now. Earlier in the week, he posted a picture of himself wearing a striped dress with the caption: “Went To TopShop To Buy Some Girl Clothes, I Mean “Clothes”“. He’s also been tweeting about it:

I have no idea what the fuck that means. But I do know this: normally everything Jaden Smith does makes me roll my eyes so hard I’m able to see the top of my ass, however I am 100% with him on his new found love of dresses. Dresses are the perfect item of clothing, especially for guys. I wear dresses because they’re comfortable as hell (also because I don’t like it when my pussy falls in love with the crotch of my pants and makes a camel toe baby), but I can imagine they’d be even more comfortable for a human with balls. To be honest, I have no idea why more guys don’t wear dresses. Imagine the freedom of sweatpants without the waistband or nut sweat – that’s a dress!

And here’s Jaden wearing a skirt over a pair of jeans while going for a hike the other day with some random reality TV actress. A skirt and pants? Jaden, NO! That look died back in 2004.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Rihanna Brought “Bitch Better Have My Money” To The iHeartRadio Awards

I don’t know why I kept thinking the iHeartRadio Music Awards were the pearl-clutcher’s wholesome family-friendly alternative to the MTV Video Music Awards, but Rihanna’s performace of “Bitch Better Have My Money” last night and, to a lesser extent, Jamie Foxx’s crack about Bruce Jenner’s balls, confirmed that they definitely are not.

I like my RiRi’s performances extra raunchy (see: her pussy-tapping performance of “Birthday Cake” on SNL), so this left me a bit disappointed. But that doesn’t mean I hated it. I mean, bitch stepped out of a chopper looking like Oscar the Grouch’s slutty little sister. This is the iHeartRadio performance that Cookie Lyon would have given if Cookie Lyon was a real person. Not to mention that all that bright-green fur was giving me shades of old school Lil’ Kim (I’m not the only one); all that was missing was a bright green wig or one of RiRi’s titty tips covered in a sequined stick-on pasty.

And maybe it’s the hand full of buttered popcorn jelly beans I ate for breakfast, but she also sort of looks like the Scrappy-Doo to Lineysha Sparx’s Snatch Game version of Celia Cruz. Absolutely no shade, because that’s a look I can always get behind.

Here’s more of RiRi working that Sesame Streetwalker realness (“Sesame Streetwalkers was brought to you today by the letters S, T, and D, and the number 2 – as in always count your money twice“) after the show.

Pics: Splash