Kim Kardashian’s Vagina Looks Better Than Ever, Thank You Very Much

I know it’s Monday. I know you’re probably still reeling from your drunken escapades this weekend and trying desperately to not throw up in the trash can next to your desk. Consider this post my “puke and get it over with” gift to you and know I share your pain. I’m the one who sent a poorly thought out message to my boss that said, “I’m on Kim Kardashian’s vagina” and now I’m writing this from a makeshift office on the floor in front of the toilet. The Daily Mail can come hold my hair back since they transcribed all the shit Kanye‘s baby mama had to say:

‘When I came back from the hospital the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It looks better looking than before,’ she told her sister Khloé on the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians – filmed just after she gave birth to baby ‘North’.

‘I just want to come out to the world, and be naked and be like, “I look so hot. I am back,” she raved, while making lewd gestures with both hands at the camera.

‘Labour was honestly the easiest thing ever. I did not feel one thing. Like, it was not hard,’ said Kim, 33, who has already been married and divorced twice but is now engaged to rap music icon Kanye West.

I didn’t see her urinal cake porn with Ray J., so I can’t speak intelligently about the state of her vaginal situation before. However, between her opinion that it looked better in the days following and that she didn’t feel anything during delivery, I’m going to guess it looked like a broke down hallway in a horror film mental institution where the light fixtures are hanging out of their sockets and the wallpaper is peeling. Maybe it had something to do with North coming five weeks early. I certainly wasn’t that lucky with my first baby. His head was fucking enormous and after getting three different set of stitches, I walked for weeks like I was riding the 25-cent pony ride outside a Walmart.

Since Kim has proven recently that she can’t think for herself to save her life, you know Kanye told her everything looks a-okay to him because her shit’s so swollen that it looks like this previous HSOTD and we all know Kanye secretly loves him some of those. He probably raced home after seeing Kim’s white bathing suit pic because her ass looks like an elephantiasis-stricken nutsack. That look on his face above definitely screams, “I saw balls where I wasn’t expecting to see them“.

(Pic by SplashNews)

EVERYTHING: Prince’s New Single Cover Is

Twitter’s lone selfie master and Watchtower’s Playmate of every year tweeted his cover art for his new song “Breakfast Can Wait” and even though I don’t appreciate that song title (PANCAKES CAN NEVER WAIT), I do appreciate that perfect cover art. That perfect cover art is the blueberry syrup on my pancakes. The picture was taken from The Chappelle Show’s Prince sketch starring Dave Chappelle as Jehovah’s sexiest witness. Who ever the hell came up with the saying, “anything can happen,” was talking about Prince actually showing that he has a sense of humor.

And here’s a preview from Prince’s song. Yes, it’s from YouTube (aka Prince’s former nemesis). The world keeps showing that it’s a strange place:

My one wish for the day is that Prince’s video will be nothing but him rolling around naked on a giant breakfast plate while Diamond and Pearl (they need a comeback) pour syrup all over him.

via HuffPo