E! has been showing a zillion previews and milking every last drop from future episodes of Keeping Up the Kartrashians where Kim Kartrashian tells the tale of getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris as The Slow One sits there blank-faced dreaming about salad and Khlozilla also sits there blank-faced dreaming about the wild boar she’s going to catch in the woods later that night. Well, it’s Kendall Jenner’s turn to sit in front of the cameras and tell the tale of getting robbed, because someone reportedly snatched $200,000 in jewels from her house last night. Only this is probably not a Bling Ring 2.0 type of thing and it doesn’t look like thieves broke into her house like they did to Alanis Morrissette. It looks like someone who was partying at Kendall’s house last night did it. DUN DUN DUN (not really).
During this holiday season, two things have happened in Florida so far:
1) The top story on the local news was about two glamorous burglars stealing $500 worth of lawn ornaments. Also, it’s pretty much impossible to point out the differences between the local news in Florida and Inside Edition.
2) The glamorous burglars in question stole the Christmas decorations (including a Mickey Mouse riding a horse, I repeat, a Micky Mouse riding a horse) from their neighbor’s yard and then put that shit on their own front yard just a block away. Those dumb bitches should be thankful that what they lack in simple common sense, they make up for in GLAMOUR!
The moral of the story is, you really can’t trust a ho who keeps a stolen shopping cart in her yard.
Beyonce’s (I’m too lazy to put a fancy accent on that e and bitch is from Houston!) video for “Countdown” is obviously made of equal parts Funny Face, Flashdance, a Gap commercial and a bunch of other things she watched while she heaved the morning sicks into a diamond-encrusted barf bin on her platinum throne bed. But somebody has put together this comparison video that I am presenting to the court as EXHIBIT A! The video is accusing Beyonce of copy and pasting the work of Belgian choreographer Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker and there’s some shots that are almost identical.
This isn’t the first time that Beyonce has been accused of sending Basement Baby to lift some shit in the middle of the night. When she was accused of Xerox copying the performance of an Italian pop star for her Billboard Music Awards performance, she said that she hired the same guy to do it and so it wasn’t stealing.
But the evidence this time is obviously there. Lady Copy + Paste must’ve taught Stealyonce everything she knows. Charge her with felony grand theft, throw a Cell Block of Dereon jumpsuit on her body, plop a wig from the commissary on her head and lock her up! But mostly I’m just saying that because I really want the unborn golden child of music to be a prison baby.
Lady Gaga took a break from sucking the queef bubbles out of Madge’s vadge and claiming it as her own, and instead Xerox copied some shtick from Bette Midler’s act. Bette Midler has long done the mermaid in a wheelchair thing, and at a concert in Australia the other night Caca rolled onto the stage in a mermaid body bag. Caca’s entourage got egged by a bunch of people who weren’t happy about her glamorizing disabilities. (Sidenote: Bette Midler would never get egged, because it’s obvious that she’s sympathizing with disabled merpeople through her art.)
Caca also got egged again on Twitter by Bette Midler herself who was not happy about the blatant thievery. Don’t screw with Delores Delago! I’ll let Bette take it from here:
Of course, a few Little Monsters displayed the love and acceptance their Mama Monster preaches by calling Bette a “disrespectful cunt” who needs to “STFU.” HA. I love it.
Bette is probably joking, but I still say she should throw a net over that salty rotten kipper Caca and launch her jacking ass onto one of the Deadliest Catch boats. Until Ariel becomes a paraplegic, there can only be one mermaid in a wheelchair!
Here’s Lady Xerox in NYC this morning.
Matthew Knowles looks like a shady motherfucker who would steal a fart out of a bitch’s ass with his nose and claim it as his own, but would he actually snatch a dollar (or a few million dollars) out of his daughter’s wallet?
The ceiling tiles in the basement shook last March when Daddy Knowles announced that he was no longer Beyonce’s manager and the two were done professionally. Some figured that Tina Knowles slithered out of her lair of poor unfortunate souls under the sea and coerced Beyonce into pink-slipping her daddy, because he ruined the family by having a secret love child. But according to documents obtained by TMZ, Daddy Knowles was shown the exit door TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT, because Beyonce had reason to believe that he was stealing money from her.
Daddy Knowles denies the allegations and says that Live Nation wanted him out and came up with the story that he was grabbing money right out from under Beyonce’s wig. He says that Live Nation scooped the dried wig glue out of Beyonce’s ear and told her that her daddy took profits from her 2011 world tour. Profits that didn’t belong to him. Beyonce believed Live Nation and told her law firm to audit her finances. When all was said and audited, her law firm confirmed that there was a thieving thief among them and his name is DADDY KNOWLES! Beyonce immediately fired him. The booming cackle let out by Tina Knowles was hot enough to curl every weave in a 5-mile radius. And yes, if your weave was among those who got curled, Tina Knowles will be sending you an invoice, because the bitch does not go unpaid.
Daddy Knowles is trying to clear his name and has asked a judge to grant him the right to take depositions from those involved at Live Nation, because he wants to know how they came to the conclusion that he’s a thief.
Daddy Knowles stole his mid-life face from Squidward, so the emotion labeled “surprise” would not fill my body if this turned out to be true. But Beyonce getting mad at a bitch for stealing? HA. I guess she’s teaching her daddy that you can’t out-thief a thief! School him, Bey!
And here’s Beyonce wearing her shopping wig while browsing the shoe section at Selfridges in London with her mama yesterday.
Jennifer Aniston has long been the go-to lonely miserable-ling and “Well, at least I’m not her” poster child for a bitches who can’t get a man, but it’s a new day! Jennifer Aniston is accused of being a homewrecking slut whore who used her jaws of life vagina to snatch a man right out from under another woman’s body!
If you need Maddox, you can find him in the fetal position, fearing an uncertain future and contemplating the meaning of everything. If his arch rival Jennifer Aniston can successfully pull claimed dick to her side, does this mean that black is no longer Maddox’s signature color or that he really thinks knives aren’t not toys? June 14, 2011 is the day that Maddox either begins a pilgrimage to find the truth, or it’s the day that his thoughts of confusion turn into bubbling rage and he uses that to lead his child army in a battle to take over the world and control destiny! Maddox Khan! But I digress…
There’s been talk that Jennifer’s new piece Justin Theroux barely broke up with his girlfriend of 14 years Heidi Bivens. Well, Heidi’s rep says that “barely” should be bolded, capitalized, italicized and vacuum packed in uncoolness, because Heidi moved out of their apartment only 2 weeks ago. Jennifer and Justin met on the set of Wanderlust back in October, but they turned their relationship from co-workers into co-fuckers last month. A source says that Justin told Heidi he was just friends with Jennifer, but then finally came clean. Heidi’s rep said this to Page Six:
“Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend. She has no comment.”
A friend of Justin’s said that the love between he and Heidi was over long before Jennifer came along. The friend also says that shit is moving fast with Jen and they are practically living together full-time.
Since Jennifer learned from the best, this kind of ho shit behavior from her shouldn’t surprise me, but it does! Go, Jen! Get your evil whore on! And we all know what happens next. Jen and Justin will “play house” in a spread for W Magazine, Heidi will call it uncool and then they’ll adopt an orphan from Cambodia and call him UMaddox. And please tell me UMaddox turns out to be Maddox’s long-lost brother. I can already hear the galloping from Maddox Khan’s child army in the distance….