I wish I could say this was a story about the person who convinced Khloe Kardashian to transfer that much fat into her booty, but this is about an entirely different, less obvious scam. Last Thursday, Khloe took to Twitter to call out a friend for allegedly stealing from her.
This is starting to feel like a page from People StyleWatch. “The hottest trend in celebrity jewelry? Coming home and finding all of it missing!” Just like Nicki Minaj, Alanis Morissette, Kendall Jenner and Jamie Pressly, Emmy Rossum has found herself without a whole lot of jewelry. TMZ says that Emmy’s Los Angeles home was broken into while she was away in NYC. According to law enforcement sources, Emmy’s housekeeper showed up to work last Friday only to find broken panes of glass on the back door, no power, and a theft situation. Emmy had two safes in her home, and both were wide open and empty. $150,000 in antique jewelry was taken.
Police think the burglars cut the power so that the house alarm wouldn’t go off. As for how they broke into those safes, they didn’t exactly have to work very hard to get into them. TMZ’s sources say that Emmy kept the combinations right next to each safe. Whether or not she had also painted giant arrows on the floor leading to the safes is still unknown.
I know people keep saying that this isn’t a Bling Ring situation, but I don’t know. An awful lot of celebrities keep getting robbed of their (deep cringe) bling. I just hope that whoever gets robbed next is smart enough to memorize the combination to their safe. This is a teachable moment for all of us, really. If you get a safe, don’t write the combo down and put it next to the safe. Instead, program in an easy-to-memorize combination. Something like 666, or 6969, or 3636. That last is easy to remember because it kind of sounds like “free sex free sex.” At least make your burglars work for it, you know?
E! has been showing a zillion previews and milking every last drop from future episodes of Keeping Up the Kartrashians where Kim Kartrashian tells the tale of getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris as The Slow One sits there blank-faced dreaming about salad and Khlozilla also sits there blank-faced dreaming about the wild boar she’s going to catch in the woods later that night. Well, it’s Kendall Jenner’s turn to sit in front of the cameras and tell the tale of getting robbed, because someone reportedly snatched $200,000 in jewels from her house last night. Only this is probably not a Bling Ring 2.0 type of thing and it doesn’t look like thieves broke into her house like they did to Alanis Morrissette. It looks like someone who was partying at Kendall’s house last night did it. DUN DUN DUN (not really).
During this holiday season, two things have happened in Florida so far:
1) The top story on the local news was about two glamorous burglars stealing $500 worth of lawn ornaments. Also, it’s pretty much impossible to point out the differences between the local news in Florida and Inside Edition.
2) The glamorous burglars in question stole the Christmas decorations (including a Mickey Mouse riding a horse, I repeat, a Micky Mouse riding a horse) from their neighbor’s yard and then put that shit on their own front yard just a block away. Those dumb bitches should be thankful that what they lack in simple common sense, they make up for in GLAMOUR!
The moral of the story is, you really can’t trust a ho who keeps a stolen shopping cart in her yard.
Beyonce’s (I’m too lazy to put a fancy accent on that e and bitch is from Houston!) video for “Countdown” is obviously made of equal parts Funny Face, Flashdance, a Gap commercial and a bunch of other things she watched while she heaved the morning sicks into a diamond-encrusted barf bin on her platinum throne bed. But somebody has put together this comparison video that I am presenting to the court as EXHIBIT A! The video is accusing Beyonce of copy and pasting the work of Belgian choreographer Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker and there’s some shots that are almost identical.
This isn’t the first time that Beyonce has been accused of sending Basement Baby to lift some shit in the middle of the night. When she was accused of Xerox copying the performance of an Italian pop star for her Billboard Music Awards performance, she said that she hired the same guy to do it and so it wasn’t stealing.
But the evidence this time is obviously there. Lady Copy + Paste must’ve taught Stealyonce everything she knows. Charge her with felony grand theft, throw a Cell Block of Dereon jumpsuit on her body, plop a wig from the commissary on her head and lock her up! But mostly I’m just saying that because I really want the unborn golden child of music to be a prison baby.
Lady Gaga took a break from sucking the queef bubbles out of Madge’s vadge and claiming it as her own, and instead Xerox copied some shtick from Bette Midler’s act. Bette Midler has long done the mermaid in a wheelchair thing, and at a concert in Australia the other night Caca rolled onto the stage in a mermaid body bag. Caca’s entourage got egged by a bunch of people who weren’t happy about her glamorizing disabilities. (Sidenote: Bette Midler would never get egged, because it’s obvious that she’s sympathizing with disabled merpeople through her art.)
Caca also got egged again on Twitter by Bette Midler herself who was not happy about the blatant thievery. Don’t screw with Delores Delago! I’ll let Bette take it from here:
Of course, a few Little Monsters displayed the love and acceptance their Mama Monster preaches by calling Bette a “disrespectful cunt” who needs to “STFU.” HA. I love it.
Bette is probably joking, but I still say she should throw a net over that salty rotten kipper Caca and launch her jacking ass onto one of the Deadliest Catch boats. Until Ariel becomes a paraplegic, there can only be one mermaid in a wheelchair!
Here’s Lady Xerox in NYC this morning.