During his first public appearance after he claimed he was attacked by racist, homophobic, MAGA-loving thugs, Jussie Smollett took to the stage and declared himself “the Gay Tupac”. Well, according to this morning’s press conference held by Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson, it would have been more accurate to call himself the “black Keyser Söze” (the “gay Keyser Söze” was, of course, already taken by Kevin Spacey, and Jussie’s career is probably about to have similar trajectory).
Our fearless leader Donald Trump is really something else. Call him what you will, but at least he’s consistent. Who else could turn a direct question about the attack on Jussie Smollett into a diatribe about his fucking wall. During an Oval Office press conference, Omarosa’s sworn enemy (and therefore a hero of mine) April Ryan asked Trump if he had any comment on Jussie’s racist and homophobic ordeal. Before she could finish her question, Trump jumped in with some milquetoast platitudes and immediately pivoted his comments to discuss the fact that we’re allowing drug dealers and human traffickers into this country, calling that “the worst sin”. So sorry, folks. Per the President of the United States, words and their inherent meanings have been cancelled until further notice.
Booking a New Year’s Eve show in a major city is a pretty impressive feather for any stand-up comedian’s cap. Unfortunately for Tiffany Haddish, the feather wasn’t tightly secured and fell off and got trampled during her set at Miami’s James L. Knight Center. Tiffany was not ready and bombed spectacularly. And because #thesetryingtimes continue a pace in 2019, some clown recorded it and posted in on Twitter, prompting harsh backlash to Tiffany’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night.
I’ve seen a lot of rotten and just plain stupid marketing campaigns before (I’m looking at you IHOB), but Oscar Mayer has really taken the cake with their latest stunt. Oscar Mayer has launched a campaign in which they have declared that hot dogs are sandwiches, and are saying “fight me” in an effort to engage an exhausted public in a debate about it. No one curr, Oscar Mayer. We are tired.
Jordan Peele has been on a serious roll since his directorial debut Get Out took off like Jesse Owens at the starting block. Not too long ago he announced his next feature film will be another sociopolitical horror film called Us starring Lupita Nyong’o, Winston Duke and, most horrifying of all, active Scientologist Elisabeth Moss. It was also announced that his production company Monkeypaw would be producing a reboot of the mind-fucking classic The Twilight Zone. Now Jordan’s just announced that he’s also going to be stepping into Rod Serling’s loafers and hosting it as well!
When your President gets cornered, he lashes out by tweeting threats of nuclear annihilation IN ALL CAPS because any asshole with a valid birth date is allowed to have Twitter. When R. Kelly gets cornered, he ass dribbles out 19 minutes of martyred mumbling and releases it on Sound Cloud, the same way I release my janky podcast, because any asshole with a valid email address can publish there. While your President’s outbursts might get us all killed, R. Kelly’s charming ditty, “I Admit“, is about as dangerous as being stabbed with a peeled banana, and equally ridiculous.