A couple of years ago cumberbitches were treated to a lecture by reptilian thespian Benedict Cumberbatch about proper theater etiquette after a production of Hamlet at the Barbican Theater in London. Turns out Benny Cucumbers (that’s his mafia nickname, look it up if you don’t believe me) was making a habit out of lecturing theatergoers during that production. According to The Big Issue, Benny often took time after his performances to bring awareness to the European refugee crisis, even going as far as having the ushers pass a bucket to collect money for the cause. And he admits, sometimes he was a bit a of douche about it.
If there was some kind of gay
off-track off-stage betting place that specialized in betting on the Tony nominations, I would’ve gone in and put all my money on Hamilton for everything. I would’ve made a profit, because the Tony nominations were announced this morning and to the surprise of absolutely no one, Hamilton swept that bitch up and then some. Hamilton got a total of 16 nominations, which broke the record for the most nominations in the history of the Tonys. So basically, the Tony ceremony is going be nothing but the cast of Hamilton standing on stage in costume as people throw dozens of trophies at their feets.
But other productions were also nominated including the revival of The Color Purple: The Musical with Jennifer Hudson as Shug Avery. The Color Purple got 4 nominations and 2 of those went to JHud’s co-stars (Cynthia Erivo and Danielle Brooks aka Taystee from Orange is the New Black). JHud got nothing. JHud congratulated her co-stars on Twitter, but when one of her followers said she was snubbed, she shrugged. JHud isn’t surprised because she was only hired for her STAH POWER! She quickly deleted her response, but Yahoo! got a screen shot of it:
Pimp Mama Kris read that as, “You don’t need talent, just a famous name to be on Broadway,” and submitted head shots of all of her hos to the casting department of Hamilton.
JHud already has an Oscar and a Grammy, so she’s an E and T away from joining the EGOT Club. If she really wanted a nomination that bad, it would’ve been really easy to get one. All she had to do was crash the stage during a performance of Hamilton and sing like three lines. She would’ve easily gotten a nomination, because like I said, Hamilton got nominated for everything.
If you haven’t seen them already, all of the Tony nominations are after the cut. #TonysSoHamilton!
Theater queens are trying to control their puckering b-holes with one hand while throwing money at Telecharge with the other, because Bette Midler announced today that she’s going back to Broadway in a revival of Hello, Dolly! Hardcore Bette Midler fans better say, “Hello, bankruptcy,” because you know premium tickets are going to go for a kidney and the entire contents of your savings account. But performances don’t begin until 2017 so hardcore Bette Midler fans have time to make a baby and sell it on the black market for tickets.
Playbill says that rehearsals start a year from now and previews will begin March 13, 2017. It will open April 20th. They haven’t booked a theater yet. Four-time Tony winning director Jerry Zaks will direct and Warren Carlyle will choreograph. Hello, Dolly! hasn’t been on Broadway since 1996. Bette had this to say about showing Barbra Streisand how it’s done!
“I am looking forward to portraying one of the most beloved characters in all of American Musical Comedy, Dolly Levi, born Gallagher, in Hello, Dolly! I know I’m going to have the time of my life, and I am so glad to be under the wings of Scott Rudin as Producer and Jerry Zaks as Director. See you next year!”
Past Broadway Dollys have included the original Carol Channing (DUH), Pearl Bailey, Ginger Rogers, Betty Grable, Phyllis Diller and Ethel Merman.
Bette seems pretty perfect for Dolly and she should do it on Broadway one day, but they can’t do a revival without Carol Channing in the title role! It’s a law I read somewhere. Carol Channing is 94 years old, but I’m sure she can still kick, stretch and kick as Dolly. And if not, she can do the role while sitting on a La-Z-Boy. I’d still pay to see that.
Pic: Caesars Entertainment
This is one of the reasons why I sometimes miss living in NYC. You can just walk down the street and get theater, comedy and history rolled all into one scene. But thanks to cell phones and YouTube, I can be transported to the streets of Downtown Brooklyn where a jogger gave everyone a history lesson while screaming at a dude who apparently hit him with a stroller.
In the video that was posted by Metro, the douche jogger threatens to kill stroller dude and screams about how he fights for a living. Whoever said that the streets of Brooklyn are way too sanitized now, haven’t come across this jogging badass, obviously. As a cop tries to keep the fight from getting violent, jogger dude, who is white, continues to unleash on stroller dude, who is also white, and he blew minds when he dropped this historical fact, “You’re new in the neighborhood! I’ve been in this neighborhood. The only reason why white people like you live in this neighborhood is because I settled this fucking neighborhood for you!”
If one of them had a beard and the other one was carrying organic craft peach cider in a cup made from recycled bamboo paper, this clip would perfectly capture the essence of modern day Brooklyn.
But seriously, I need to add “jogging, fighting and screaming at dudes with strollers” to my daily exercise plan, because that crazy dude looks good for being like 370 years old.
“My precious…. My precious… Wait, can I smoke these?”
Miracles happen every day (one example: I didn’t immediately run into oncoming traffic when I discovered I was fresh out of the good shit this morning) and today a miracle happened when the first preview for Speed-The-Plow in London started and Lindsay Lohan actually showed up on time and didn’t quit 10 minutes into it. Progress! People on Twitter were split about this shit. Some say that the first preview was a flaming train wreck and others say it was just “meh.” The Daily Mail and The Daily Beast say that LiLo and her cast mate Richard Schiff didn’t know their lines, the audience laughed at her during her big speech, the acting was high school levels of amateur and a messy bitch in the balcony (read: probably White Oprah) dropped champagne on another audience member’s head. That last part was probably the most exciting and theatrical thing that happened all night.
People on Twitter say that when LiLo wasn’t reading her lines out of a prop book she was holding, an assistant offstage fed them to her. LiLo stuttered through David Mamet’s words and when Richard Schiff’s character said to her, “You have done a fantastic job,” the audience laughed at the irony of it all. They laughed at LiLo’s ass again when her character said, “I know what it is to be bad. I’ve been bad.” But a source (Hi, White Oprah!) tells The Daily Mail that she was a pleasant surprise, looked “amazing” and it was only the first preview so she has time before opening night to get her shit together.
“She was just fine, she did forget her lines a couple of times but covered it up like a pro. She was a pleasant surprise for sure. Lindsay’s character was quite interesting and she immersed herself in the role, she was very strong in the second scene which was her biggest one. She looked amazing… I was in awe of her. It was no means a perfect performance and she’s certainly no Judi Dench, but she wasn’t awful. There is a line where she says ‘I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad” and the audience all cracked up laughing but she got great applause in the curtain call and someone passed her flowers from audience.”
So LiLo screwed up a few lines. Big deal! We all know she’s a pro at doing lines. It was probably a one-off. Besides, LiLo didn’t have time to memorize dumb lines for her job. She busy doing more important things like partying in Italy and France! But you know, I’d consider tonight a triumph. First of all, bitch didn’t hold up the curtain for 9 hours because her alarm went off at 6:30pm and she hit the snooze button 400 times. Second of all, LiLo didn’t suddenly come down with “walking pneumonia” 15 minutes in and leave to go to the hospital (the club). Third of all, she didn’t show up late to one of her cues because she was stealing coats out of the coat check room. What more do those people want?!
After two political posts this morning, I can finally get back to what’s really important in America. No, I’m not talking about looking at pictures of Richard Simmons (we might get into that later). I’m talking about The Dramatic Fall of the Baroness of Butter.
Paula Deen’s messy and sloppy “I IZ SORRY” publicity tour crashed into Today this morning and she did not disappoint. It was weird, it was crazy, it was seriously over-dramatic, it was fucked up and I loved every second of it. Paula punched at the air, pulled down the curtains, slid against every wall and clutched at her chest while talking about how she has to hold her broken friends as they weep over her downfall. I could almost hear The Gone With The Wind theme song. It really is a good time to be a high school drama student. Because when school starts again in the fall, every single high school drama student is going to do Paula’s woe-is-me monologue and they are going to kill it. Gold stars for everyone!
Matt Lauer started the interview by reminding Paula that The Food Network and the ham company both dropped her ass and then he asked her if she was only there to save her multi-million dollar butter kingdom from melting. Paula said she wasn’t there to keep the millions from falling out of her bank account, but then she said that she wouldn’t have fired herself. Matt asked Paula about the times she’s used the N-word and the spirit of every novella compelled her to get extra dramatic when she grabbed his leg and told him about the time she was robbed at gunpoint by a black man. Even though Paula testified that she used the N-word a few times during her 66 years on earth, she told Matt that she only used it once and it was after that robbery.
Matt being Matt didn’t straight-up ask Paula about the time she said she wanted a plantation-style wedding and instead he kept pressing on her about the N-word. Matt asked Paula if she thinks that black people are offended by the N-word and she pulled this out:
I have asked myself that so many times because it’s very distressing for me to go into my kitchens and I hear what these young people are calling each other. It’s very, very distressing.
The Hallmark Hall of Fame moment came when Matt asked Paula why she didn’t just lie under oath and say that she never used the N-word before. Drops of Land O’Lakes filled her eyes when she told Matt about the time she let her grandson Jack stay up late and he told his parents about it. When Paula asked Jack why he got her into trouble, he told her that can’t tell a lie. Paula broke down as I stood up to clap and throw a bouquet of fried zucchini flowers at her.
Then at the very end of the interview, Paula turned the fuckery and foolery all the way up and even quoted POPEYE!
If there’s anyone out there that has never said something that they wished they could take back. If you’re out there, please pick up that stone and throw it so hard at my head that it kills me. Please. I want to meet you. I is what I is and I’m not changing.
And then Paula went on to say, “It’s like what my mammy used to say to me, ‘You is smart. You is kind. You is important.'”
Here’s the full interview if SOAPnet is down for you and you need some theater today:
Paula worked it like the last stick of butter was dangling in front of her face. I don’t think she won her Food Network contract back, but she did win a Daytime Emmy and every community theater award.