Donald Trump definitely spent 90% of his morning and afternoon (okay, 100% of his morning and afternoon) sounding out the words while writing, “invoise 2 Stormee Danyulls: one millyun dollers 4 openeneng up yr hor mouf on tevees,” on his presidential stationary today. Because Stormy Daniels violates the NDA she signed with Trump every time she publicly talks about their alleged one-night fuck. And she earned herself another $1 million violation today when she talked about it on The View with her panty cream-inducing stubble head lawyer Michael Avenatti.
Stormy didn’t really say anything she hadn’t already said on 60 Minutes, but she did bring the pecking hens of The View something new. She brought them a sketch of the goon she claims threatened her and her daughter. The sketch has got the internet playing a big ole’ game of Harpo, Who Dis Goon?
The View hasn’t had a good brawl since Whoopi Goldberg battled intelligence with that “rape rape” comment. Joy Behar and Meghan McCain were generous enough to give the viewing audience an exciting callback to the “Rosie O’Donnell prepping to devour Elisabeth Hasselbeck“-era by throwing down on Friday’s episode.
On Monday, Megyn Kelly used her time on Megyn Kelly TODAY to slap back at Jane Fonda. Jane has been scratching at Megyn ever since Megyn asked her about her plastic surgeries during an interview in September. Megyn probably high-fived herself in the mirror after her Jane takedown, but not everyone thinks what Megyn did was totally badass. Specifically, former TODAY co-anchor Ann Curry.
The View has always sort of been like the Bermuda Triangle of daytime talk shows. Every year, a co-host will find themselves wondering why their nameplate is no longer on their dressing room door and wondering where all their stuff went before they’re escorted out of the studio by building security, never to be heard from again. It was rumored last week that political TV person and Senator’s daughter Meghan McCain would be the latest famous butt to fill a seat at The View table left vacant by Jedediah Bila.
“Dear Jesus, thank you for answering my prayers and getting me the heck away from this table of Clinton supporters.”
If you don’t watch The View, then you might not know that co-host Candace Cameron Bure has been noticeably absent from the show lately. DJ Tanner is a busy lady. She’s got her gig on The View, the second season of Fuller House, Hallmark Channel movies, plus a family and calls from Jodie Sweetin asking for a ride “to a thing, don’t worry about it.” Candace may smile like a robot at times, but that doesn’t mean she is one, and she recently decided to quit one of her jobs. Candace, while wearing one of Liz Sweeney’s hand-me-downs, returned to The View today and announced that she was leaving after two seasons to focus on everything else.
Two months ago, The View said adios to Raven-Symone.
She picked a great day to announce she was making like the Subway delivery guy at Kirk Cameron’s birthday party and getting the hell out of there. If she had any doubts about leaving, all she had to do was glance over at Whoopi’s confusing Christmas sweater to remind herself that it’s time to go. “Is that a strawberry? Is she wearing a strawberry? How is that Christmas? You know what, it’s best I don’t know.”
Because The View can’t keep a co-host like your slutty cousin Jessica can’t keep a damn man (yes, that was me doing an impersonation of your drunk aunt), they have lost yet another one of their pecking hens. At the beginning of today’s episode of The View, Raven-Symone announced that after a year and-a-half of filling that show with her own brand of fooolery, she is leaving. “Adios, Crow-Spumoni!” said Whoopi Goldberg, who probably doesn’t even bother learning the names of the newbies since they’ll be gone in a minute.