The View has always sort of been like the Bermuda Triangle of daytime talk shows. Every year, a co-host will find themselves wondering why their nameplate is no longer on their dressing room door and wondering where all their stuff went before they’re escorted out of the studio by building security, never to be heard from again. It was rumored last week that political TV person and Senator’s daughter Meghan McCain would be the latest famous butt to fill a seat at The View table left vacant by Jedediah Bila.
“Dear Jesus, thank you for answering my prayers and getting me the heck away from this table of Clinton supporters.”
If you don’t watch The View, then you might not know that co-host Candace Cameron Bure has been noticeably absent from the show lately. DJ Tanner is a busy lady. She’s got her gig on The View, the second season of Fuller House, Hallmark Channel movies, plus a family and calls from Jodie Sweetin asking for a ride “to a thing, don’t worry about it.” Candace may smile like a robot at times, but that doesn’t mean she is one, and she recently decided to quit one of her jobs. Candace, while wearing one of Liz Sweeney’s hand-me-downs, returned to The View today and announced that she was leaving after two seasons to focus on everything else.
Two months ago, The View said adios to Raven-Symone.
She picked a great day to announce she was making like the Subway delivery guy at Kirk Cameron’s birthday party and getting the hell out of there. If she had any doubts about leaving, all she had to do was glance over at Whoopi’s confusing Christmas sweater to remind herself that it’s time to go. “Is that a strawberry? Is she wearing a strawberry? How is that Christmas? You know what, it’s best I don’t know.”
Because The View can’t keep a co-host like your slutty cousin Jessica can’t keep a damn man (yes, that was me doing an impersonation of your drunk aunt), they have lost yet another one of their pecking hens. At the beginning of today’s episode of The View, Raven-Symone announced that after a year and-a-half of filling that show with her own brand of fooolery, she is leaving. “Adios, Crow-Spumoni!” said Whoopi Goldberg, who probably doesn’t even bother learning the names of the newbies since they’ll be gone in a minute.
Whoopi Goldberg, your messy auntie who makes you wish you brought straight-up crack to smoke on Thanksgiving when she opens up her mouth at the dinner table, has been the head pecking hen on The View for almost 10 seasons now. Anybody who still watches it (and yes, I still watch it, because it gives me a reason to drink on a weekday morning) knows that Whoopi stopped giving a fuck about that job years ago. Whoopi is the kind of employee who will go into the fridge in the break room, eat someone’s yogurt with a note that reads, “DO NOT EAT, THIS IS EMILY’S YOGURT,” on it and admit to doing it. Whoopi don’t care, and now apparently executives at ABC are beginning to think that she’s daring them to put a pink slip in her bong.
A source tells Page Six that Whoopi makes $5 million a year and she’s currently on the last season of her 4 season contract. Whoopi may be trying to get out of her contract early by getting fired, because she’s apparently been acting as pleasant as a fist job from Edward Scissorhands. The source spilled this out:
The actress and host, now in the final year of a four-year contract, last year reportedly created a scene when she paraded around saying, “I’s a work for ABC, who is my master. I’s a slave to ABC. It’s ‘12 Years a Whoopi’ at ABC, referring to the movie 12 Years a Slave.
Whoopi has been so antagonistic, she’s constantly at war with management. It’s so bad that some execs think she’s daring them to fire her so she can go off and do other things, particularly after her ‘slave’ outburst. She knows if they did fire her, they’d have to pay out her contract and she’d be paid $5 million for doing nothing.
Whoopi loves the money, but she doesn’t want to work so hard anymore. She doesn’t come in prepared, she doesn’t really engage with other panelists and guests. She gives some one-liners and moves on. Her contract is up at the end of this season, and even if she does renew, it would be for significantly less money.”
Whoopi’s brains really are made of burnt shank weed if she screws up that gig. Bitch is living the dream. She gets to stumble into work stoned and brain fart up her thoughts about a subject without doing any kind of research or having any kind of knowledge on it. I wish I had that job! Oh…wait…
On The View last week, Raven-Symoné’s silent-accented-e-having ass once again proved that she’s got a bird brain to go with her bird hair and bird name when she said out loud that she believes in name discrimination and would never hire someone whose parents named them something like “Watermelondrea.” Raven spit that out during a discussion about racial biased against “black names.” The View showed a video of kids blurting out a bunch of “ghetto” names and one of those names was Watermelondrea. Raven’s own dad called her out on Facebook and basically said that she’s a dispenser of dumb sometimes.
I’ve got some sad, tragic news for you if your name is Watermelondrea and your dream in life is to work for Raven-Symoné. She’s never going to hire you and it’s all because your parents decided to write the name “Watermelondrea” on your birth certificate.
On yesterday’s episode, the hen house of foolery that we know as The View discussed a recent study that found that Americans make racist assumptions based on someone’s name alone. They played a clip from YouTube of kids saying “ghetto” names like Fo’Landra. Of course, we all know that prospective employers discriminate against people based on their born name, race, religion, gender, fatness, skinniness, sexuality, etc… etc… It’s illegal, but hos still do it. And during yesterday’s discussion, Raven let everyone know that she’d gladly discriminate against anyone with a name like Watermelondrea. That really is SO Raven.
“Just to bring it back, can we take back ‘racist’ and say ‘discriminatory,’ because I think that’s a better word. That’s a better word. And I’m very discriminatory against words like the ones they were saying in those names. I’m not about to hire you if your name is Watermelondrea. It’s just not going to happen. I’m not going to hire you.”
Of course, this made Twitter (and beyond) tell Raven-Symoné to get the fuck out and to take her silent accented e with her. Raven hasn’t said anything about this yet, but I’m sure that on Monday’s episode of The View, Raven will apologize and will do a sit-down interview with a woman named Watermelondrea about name discrimination. At the end of the interview, Raven will give Watermelondrea a job as her new assistant. That’s damage control The View-style. But I don’t know why you’d want to be Raven’s assistant anyway. I mean, she’ll probably make you catch a damn bird and kill it so she can wear it on her head. And it’s a good thing for Raven that the producers of The View didn’t say, “I’m not about to hire you if you come in here looking like Foghorn Leghorn’s daughter” when considering her for the job. Here’s the clip if you need to see it:
And when something you say makes Whoopi Goldberg clutch her pearls…..