Category: The Sweet Nectar

Johnny Depp Is Living That Opulent Wine Hobo Life

February 1, 2017 / Posted by:

While many of us feel like a regular Zsa Zsa Gabor when we sip Cupcake Prosecco out of a family heirloom (aka a plastic champagne flute taken from your cousin’s wedding), one percenters like Johnny Depp won’t even open their guzzle holes for a bottle of wine that costs less than $1,000.

Johnny is currently in the middle of a $25 million lawsuit against his ex-business managers for allegedly defrauding his ass out of tens of millions of dollars. Johnny’s ex-money management company, The Management Group, spit back at him with a counter-lawsuit that claims they didn’t fuck away his millions, he did. Page Six says that the lawsuit from TMG claims that Johnny blew through $2 million a month and that includes his monthly wine bill of $30,000. All that fancy wine! Johnny’s piss can probably get a 95-point review from Wine Spectator. If he really needs cash, he can charge for wine tastings on his dick. I mean, it shoots out expensive wine and is probably covered with fromage and a sticky substance that can easily pass for fig jelly.

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Adele Thinks She Wrote Her Best Songs While Drunk

November 1, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s probably a good thing that Adele isn’t Drunk Adele anymore, because I’ve got a scar that can tell you being drunk and getting on a swing is not exactly something you should do. Adele is fine on that swing though, because she’s put her drunk days behind her ever since she got pregnant with her son around four years ago. According to Adele, she wrote her best songs during those childless drunk days.

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Ruth Madoff Is All Of Us

February 3, 2016 / Posted by:

To push that Madoff miniseries on ABC, Page Six has a story about how after Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to being the villain mastermind behind a $65 billion Ponzi scheme, his wife Ruth Madoff drowned her sorrows and said goodbye to their rich bitch life by opening her mouth hole and shoving in as much of the sweet nectar, the good shit and Funyuns as possible.

“Ruth had a network in place to deliver pot up to the apartment. If she didn’t have anything to smoke it in, she would order someone out to a bodega for rolling papers because she felt unsafe leaving the apartment herself. After Ruth smoked up on their rooftop patio, she’d walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips, Both Ruth and Bernie were drinking thousands and thousands of dollars worth of wine from their cellar almost every night. I think they figured it was better to drink it than let the government take it away.”

You know, if you took away the grifting husband and the penthouse of pure stolen class and replaced the fancy wine with whatever’s on sale at Smart & Final, that would be most of us. Because aren’t we all toking, wine-ing and Funyun-ing to deal with Bernie and by Bernie I mean life?

John Stamos Got Arrested For DUI

June 13, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, now we know what Uncle Jesse did with that beer he confiscated from DJ at the Spring Backwards Dance. No! Uncle Jesse would never! But apparently John Stamos would. TMZ says that America’s forever hot uncle was busted for DUI on Friday night in Beverly Hills, and apparently he was a damn wreck.

Police got a call around 7:45pm about a silver Mercedes swerving around the streets like the Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. Once police caught up to John Stamos, he couldn’t even roll down his window and greet the cops with a “Have mercy!“; John was so fucked up, the police had to call paramedics to take his ass to the hospital. Nobody else was in the car with Uncle Jesse when got arrested. He has been charged with misdemeanor DUI. Somewhere in a fancy Manhattan penthouse, the Olsen Twins just let out a sinister cackle.

Of course, TMZ has video of John Stamos getting arrested last night, and this is what he looked like.

To be honest, he doesn’t actually look that bad. At one point during the video, it looks like he smells Kimmy Gibbler’s stanky feet and tries to drunkenly wave it away from his face, but that’s about it. Other than that, John Stamos looks pretty sexy. Looks like we can add “Getting arrested for DUI” to the already miles-long list of things John Stamos looks hot while doing. And once his mugshot is released, it’s probably safe to say we’ll be adding “Taking a mugshot” to that list as well.

The Definition Of NO: Justin Theroux Wants A Non-Alcoholic Wedding

May 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Good call on the scarf; that’s how I take sneaky sips off my Wine Rack too (…is what I’d say if I wasn’t a total mess who gave up dignity a long time ago and replaced it with chugging goon bags in public).

The wedding of Sad Sack & Kewl Dude aka Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux doesn’t even have a date and already there’s problems worthy of calling the whole thing off and dividing up their shared collection of moisturizer (“You can have all the Aveeno shit” – Jennifer Aniston). According to Radar, Justin thinks Jenny needs to lay off sucking the glass dick (that’s what I call drinking wine. Remember what I said earlier about dignity?) and he wants to start by making their wedding a dry one. Oh, it’s going to be dry alright; try getting your dick wet after denying Sadness Estates™ most loyal customer her favorite pino greege.

“The older Justin gets, the more he’s become a super health freak, and he wants Jen to follow suit. She’s definitely slowed down her boozing since she and Justin hooked up, but she still loves two or three glasses of wine every night. Justin’s hope is that she’s going to give that up soon,” said the source.

“He really wants her to quit and has been pushing for a non-alcoholic wedding – an idea that was met with great laughter by Jen and her girl crew.”

Then Jennifer pulled Justin aside, slapped him across the face like Cher in Moonstruck, and told him to imagine if Godzilla and a hurricane had a baby, because that’s what you get if Chelsea Handler goes longer than 20 minutes without booze.

Plus, it’s unfair to deny alcohol to the poor unfortunate guests forced to share a dinner table at the reception with Terry Richardson. The only that would make sitting within 50ft of To Catch A Preda-Terry even remotely tolerable is the freedom of getting next-level hammered at an open bar.

Pic: Splash

Soon You’ll Be Able To Cleanse Your Insides With Brangelina’s Holy Rosé

February 14, 2013 / Posted by:

Churches everywhere are pouring their jugs of communion wine into the sink, because a new wine is coming out that is more holier and purer than any other wine and sipping on it will make you feel like you’re sucking blood directly from Jesus’ vein. Since Angelina Jolie supposedly drinks a bottle of wine every night to drown out the screeching sounds of the child army, she and Brad Pitt figured that they might as well cut out the middle bitch and make their own wine. The British wine magazine Decanter (via L.A. Times) says that Brad and Angie have joined wine making forces with the Perrins of Beaucastel to produce their own brand of rosé. The name “Bitch” was already taken, so they’re calling their label “Miraval Provence” instead.

The wine will be produced at Brangie’s fancy French estate called Château Miraval, which has a vineyard on it. The Perrin family (no relation to God Warrior, I think) will be responsible for making and selling the wine. Chateau Miraval used to produce a pink wine called Pink Floyd, which was named after the band, because they recorded The Wall in a studio on the property. Marc Perrin tells Decanter that the Miraval rosé will be out next month and they have plans to release a white wine in the summer and a red wine sometime next year. Marc says that Brangie is all about it.

“They (the Jolie-Pitts) want to ensure they are making the best Provence wines they can. They were present at the blending sessions this year, and are relooking at everything from the installations in the winery – where we have already switched to stainless steel tanks – to reworking the labels across the range of wines.”

A wine critic has already tasted the Miraval rosé and says that “this deliciously bitter wine offers subtle barrel nuances, with hints of hash, baby saliva and the tears of a scorned woman . Along with this is a strange flavors that sort of tastes like the pristine blood of a virgin or like an angel’s first period. And maybe it was just the bottle I drank from, but my glass had bits of Cabbage Patch Kid stuffing floating in it for some reason.

And yes, Miraval rosé is best served uncool.

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