On this Christmas Day (otherwise known as Annual Gross Lovey Dovey Couples Hijacking Jesus’ Born Day By Announcing They Got Engaged Day), Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Meghan, Prince William, and Duchess Kate did their second annual foursome strut to St. Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham, only this time they were all probably thinking to themselves, “Smile something extra to kill those goddamn tabloids rumors.” Why do I have a feeling that before their little PR sashay to church, THE QUEEN texted all of them and recited Rose McGowan’s speech from Jawbreaker when she said, “You all are going to walk into that church and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking keen, get it?”
Fresh off from collecting some coins for talking about Daughter Meghan to The Daily Mail, Thomas Markle is collecting some coins (I’m guessing… even though Piers Morgan claims he didn’t) for talking about Duchess Meghan to Good Morning Britain. Thomas dribbled out more of the same, like how Meghan isn’t returning his texts or calls (in her defense, it’s kind of hard to return a text from a number you’ve blocked) and has abandoned him as if he’s a geriatric dog who is “too old” to fly. Thomas pretty much said the same thing over and over again, and has become a media robot who spews “my daughter is ignoring me” followed by “now where’s my check?” on a loop. If his daughter did call him, he might malfunction, because what would he say to the tabloids over and over again now?
‘Tis the season for me to start getting IM’s messages from friends of yore asking me for my address so I can act surprised when I get a Christmas card in the mail with a picture of them, their spouse I’ve never met, and their “adorable” kids. It’s all so wholesome and earnest, and goes against my core beliefs. Still, I always hold on to them for a couple of weeks because I feel guilty about recycling them immediately. Sadly I didn’t get a text message from Kensington Palace this year, and I really wish I had because there’s nothing wholesome about the tingling sensation Prince William is giving me in his family portrait. If I was on the list, that card would be skipping the mantle and going straight to my bedside table.
Normally, THE QUEEN instructs her minions to maintain a DGAF policy when it comes to royal feuds, but this time it seems like HBIC is pissed holiday attention that normally goes to what she might say in her annual Christmas address is now all about how Duchess Meghan and Duchess Kate would wear something from Duchess Camilla’s closet than spend time with each other. This year, she’s making everyone play nice and spend holidays under the same roof. Everyone will have a happy holidays or else, dammit!
Private chefs must have tough jobs; constantly preparing overly-specific meals for finicky rich people must get irritating fast. Now imagine that rich person is the actual QUEEN of England. That shit is too real. The Mirror is reporting that the job may be open for new talent, as a cook once served up something the Queen certainly did not find appetizing: an actual slug. No word if she snapped for one of her minions and said, “I’ve got a Camilla in my salad. Banish it from my sight at once!” Continue reading
If your British and want your powerless head of state to wear a “Bernie Bro” T-shirt and a #metoo pin, you’re shit out of luck with Prince Charles. Charlie somehow thinks he’s going to outlive THE QUEEN and have a shot at that throne, and he decided to let cameras follow him for a year to document how difficult his life is waiting in the wings. Charlie may be best known for his waiting game and for giving up the Princess Diana for Duchess Camilla, but he’s also an environmentalist and has used his title for a host of charitable causes. He says that goes out the window the moment he dons the crown. Ha!