Category: THE QUEEN

Claire Foy Still Hasn’t Gotten Paid

July 29, 2018 / Posted by:

Claire Foy’s portrayal of THE QUEEN in seasons one and two of Netflix’s The Crown earned her rave reviews and a bunch of awards. So it was a shock to find out that she was paid less than her co-star Matt Smith. Matt played THE QUEEN’S husband, Prince Phillip, who has historically always been second banana to his wife, as portrayed in the show. So why was he getting more in his direct deposit than the show’s lead? Could it be because he was…wait for it… a MAN?

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THE QUEEN Banned Duchess Meghan’s Favorite Food At The Royal Palace

July 27, 2018 / Posted by:

Thanks to her pre-royal career as GOOP Lite (aka a lifestyle blogger), we know a lot of Duchess Meghan’s faves including pasta. That’s a biiiiit of a contrast with what THE QUEEN likes to munch on. QE2 is not a fan of starchy carbs and is also apparently so selfish that she makes everyone suffer through whatever diet she’s on because she won’t let pasta show up on the menu at Buckingham Palace. Sigh. There go my dreams of opening a royal Olive Garden!

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Prince Charles And Prince William Reportedly Ditched A Kiki With Donald Trump 

July 16, 2018 / Posted by:

As the Slovenian Mrs. Waterford that is Melania Trump wondered when it was a good time to bust out her escape plan by changing into a Corgi costume before humping Prince Philip’s horny ole’ leg so he can take her inside, her master Donald Trump bonded with THE QUEEN during their meeting about their love of not paying taxes and their little bitches (hers being Corgis, his being his sons). THE QUEEN had to deal with Trump herself, but sources tell The Times of London (via The Hill) that the next Kings of England, Prince Charles and Prince William, were supposed to make an appearance, but made like the hair that was on their head and said “fuck it” before quitting that shit.

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THE QUEEN Was Waiting Around For The Trumps To Arrive To Their First Meeting

July 13, 2018 / Posted by:

First dates are always like walking on eggshells: you best keep the conversation light, dress impeccably, and – above all – don’t keep your trick waiting on you to arrive at the restaurant. Well, Donald Trump must not have gotten that memo because on his first meeting with THE QUEEN today, some are saying QE2 was left waiting around for Donald and Melania Trump to stroll up to kiss the ring and curtsy. What’s next? Sleeveless dresses?! Continue reading

THE QUEEN Is Back At Work After Missing Her Great-Grandson’s Baptism 

July 10, 2018 / Posted by:

Most of them are staring up at the sky, because above them is a plane carrying a banner that reads: Sorry, Meghan, But Kate’s Dress Sold Out Before Yours. That explains why Duchess Kate is lighting up in the face like, “Check that, bitch, I’ve still got it!

THE QUEEN wasn’t at her great-grandson Prince Louis’ hazing Christian ceremony yesterday, because well, she’s 92 years old and is tired of sleeping with her eyes open at yet another boring ass baptism. (Even the star of the show, Prince Louis, didn’t stay awake for that bore fest.) But THE QUEEN was back out there today at the 100th birthday celebrations of the Royal Air Force. THE QUEEN and the other ones (I cropped Princess Michael of Kunt out of that top pic because she’s Princess Michael of Kunt) took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace today to watch the RAF centenary, which she didn’t strain her royal neck to see, because she’ll watch it later on YouTube while getting drunk on sloe gin fizzes with her man.

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THE QUEEN Had To Skip Out On Church Because Of An Illness 

June 28, 2018 / Posted by:

After decades on the job of being a royal, THE QUEEN fell under the weather and had to bail on a church service, so she sent her cousin, the Duke of Kent, instead. Ha! That’s like finding out the local high school production of Hello, Dolly! will be taking over for Bette Middler on Broadway this evening!

People says Queen Lizzy was supposed to attend a church service to celebrate a bicentenary of an order of chivalry, but she skipped because she was feeling ill, per her spokesperson:

“The Queen is feeling under the weather today and has decided not to attend this morning’s service at St. Paul’s Cathedral marking the 200th anniversary of the Order of St. Michael and St. George.”

Methinks QE2 doth protest under the veil of illness! That huss has been sitting on the throne for nearly 70 years, and she’s still kicking! How about give her a bi-weekly celebration for outlasting any dude who tried to run the country? Anyway, sources say it’s nothing to get too upset over because they didn’t even bother calling a doctor, and she’s still scheduled to head to Windsor Castle later today. Ain’t nothing going to keep a monarch and her corgis from some time in the country! Though, I’m sure there are some passive aggressive notes being sent to Duchess Meghan and Susan Sarandon that say, “We’re not saying THE QUEEN is feeling nauseated because of your barbaric bare shoulders and your uncouth handshake, but she definitely told us both instances made her wanna barf up shepherd’s pie.



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