Duchess Meghan has been a royal for exactly one month now, and ever since then she’s made several debuts. She’s already made her official royal pantyhose-wearer debut, her SCANDAL creator debut, her Buckingham Palace balcony debut, and also her debut as THE QUEEN’s new favorite person alive. And today, Duchess Meghan, who wore Givenchy again, made her debut at Royal Ascot with some of the royals including Prince Hot Ginge. I wish PHG would’ve caught this ass, and yes in doing so, he would’ve caught crabs too, but hey, if you don’t need to use RID after, you didn’t have fun.
Oh how I hate Duchess Meghan. At night, she gets to listen to the sound of her now royal vagine cooing out the chorus to Hallelujah as it rubs on Prince Hot Ginge’s ginger crotch scepter. And during the day, she gets to put on
an Ann Taylor LOFT a Givenchy ensemble for her “day job” where she gets to work events with THE QUEEN who definitely mutters shit like, “Fuck this bollocks arse bloody arse blooming dumb shite, I could be watching EastEnders while Philly sucks on mi toes,” through her gritted teeth as she puts on a manufactured smile for her loyal subjects. Duchess Meghan is living the life, but she jacked that up today. This is the biggest act of disrespect by an American against the crown since those New England settlers broke up with Britain. This is even worse, actually!
That’s the look of a person at an event they don’t want to be at and, to make things worse, the beer stand isn’t open yet. The glamorous lady in the hat to die for is THE QUEEN and she’s at the 2018 Epsom Derby Festival yesterday. THE QUEEN graced Epsom Racecourse with her floral grandeur, graciously allowing the assembled to behold her regalness, and she looked like she’d rather be getting side-by-side bikini waxes with Duchess Camilla, or watch an episode of Suits.
THE QUEEN wasn’t feeling it obviously, and really who can blame her? Imagine being THE QUEEN and having to inhale the gross scent of peasant farts, which is what I’m guessing she’s doing in the picture above. Or maybe she spotted England’s other Queen, Dame Helen Mirren, looking glamorously gorgeous and thought, “That bitch just had to show me up again.”
Did you know there was a royal wedding this weekend? If your corneas haven’t been singed by 1800 hours of royal wedding coverage, then let’s heap on another pile of royal manure! Kensington Palace, the gilded dormitory where Prince Harry and Megsy will shack up, released the official portraits of the newlyweds along with their family and wedding party. Surprisingly, it seems like the hydraulics in THE QUEEN’s face were working to make her crack a smile! Continue reading
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
The real Prince Hot Ginge’s bachelor party hasn’t happened yet, apparently, but it’s looking like it’s going to go down at a resort in the fancy Swiss ski town of Verbier. (Yes, the same town where PHG’s best man Prince William caused coochies to burst with his clit-tingling dance moves. So Verbier better duct tape down their chonies, because P. Willy’s gonna blow them off once again.) Since PHG is now a boring soon-to-be husband and is no longer a vodka-snorting naked party whore (BOOO!), his bachelor party will probably be a snooze. But no matter how boring it is, it won’t be as sad as the sight of the bachelor party staged by lookalikes at the Regent’s Canal in London today.