The guy above is making the same grin and bear it “oh shit” face many of us were making upon hearing that Prince Philip and The Queen are both out driving around well into their 90s. And now, just one day after Philip’s Land Rover flipped in a crash, The Queen has been photographed flipping a virtual middle finger while driving without a seatbelt near the site of Philip’s accident. That Queen Elizabeth is one little sassy filly. Royals: they’re just like us (except they don’t need drivers licenses, can’t be prosecuted for breaking laws and seem to never die)!
It’s a new year, and it’s the same old shit: Duchess Meghan and Duchess Kate are still sucking up the news cycle. Well, them and Donald Trump.
Last year, the tabloids told us how Meghan is a bossy biddy who likes to make Kate cry in her spare time. Oh, and then there was how Kate was trying to glam it up to make more of a name for herself in the media. THE QUEEN was fed up with their shit and demanded they all spend Christmas together at their country estate. Part of the festivities included a happy walk to church to show how they’re suddenly all about sisterhood, but apparently behind doors there was a real heart-to-heart, trust fall, and the gals shared their real feelings.
The main reason for why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is a little thing called “being gayer than a strawberry lube-scented fart out of a power bottom flamingo’s ass.” But now I know that the other reason why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is because as soon as she said the words, “Will you give up booze and coffee with me?“, I’d Billy Crudup her by leaving her pregnant ass for another trick, the other trick being hot rum coffee, of course. But not Prince Hot Ginge! PHG’s vodka-snorting days are so long gone that he actually broke up with the sweet nectar. And not only that, but he also temporarily ended things with coffee and tea after Duchess Meghan asked him to. Is PHG trying to give his memaw THE QUEEN a heart attack? Because that’s what might happen if he says “no thanks” to an offer of a gin or some tea.
When I heard Duchess Meghan and Duchess Catherine would end up spending Christmas together with THE QUEEN at her country estate, I figured their feuding would escalate to Kate snickering when Meghan sat down on a Whoopee cushion left on her chair, and Meghan would strike back by short-sheeting Kate’s bed. Alas, QE2 probably saw this coming and wasn’t about to have her Sandringham estate turned into hazing week at the Kappa Gamma house. Meghan and Kate were seen strolling en route to church looking like old chums, and The Sun’s creative writing interns say that wasn’t a coincidence.
On this Christmas Day (otherwise known as Annual Gross Lovey Dovey Couples Hijacking Jesus’ Born Day By Announcing They Got Engaged Day), Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Meghan, Prince William, and Duchess Kate did their second annual foursome strut to St. Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham, only this time they were all probably thinking to themselves, “Smile something extra to kill those goddamn tabloids rumors.” Why do I have a feeling that before their little PR sashay to church, THE QUEEN texted all of them and recited Rose McGowan’s speech from Jawbreaker when she said, “You all are going to walk into that church and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking keen, get it?”
Fresh off from collecting some coins for talking about Daughter Meghan to The Daily Mail, Thomas Markle is collecting some coins (I’m guessing… even though Piers Morgan claims he didn’t) for talking about Duchess Meghan to Good Morning Britain. Thomas dribbled out more of the same, like how Meghan isn’t returning his texts or calls (in her defense, it’s kind of hard to return a text from a number you’ve blocked) and has abandoned him as if he’s a geriatric dog who is “too old” to fly. Thomas pretty much said the same thing over and over again, and has become a media robot who spews “my daughter is ignoring me” followed by “now where’s my check?” on a loop. If his daughter did call him, he might malfunction, because what would he say to the tabloids over and over again now?