Queen Elizabeth II is 91 years old, and she looks pretty damn good for 91. Turns out there may be a reason why The Queen doesn’t look a day over 86, and it could be that her insides are preserved like an expertly aged jar of pickles from all the booze she drinks. Based on zero research, of course. I’m just going with what I know: that wine is basically a health elixir, and that a human gut can only take so many cream-based party coolers (those do no favors for no body).
THE QUEEN was in Scotland this week and on her itinerary was a little kiki with Canadian panty creamer extraordinaire Justin Trudeau as well as a visit to Stirling Castle. My guess is that THE QUEEN visited Stirling Castle first and I’m only saying that because she wouldn’t be able to visit any castle if she had met up with Trudeau beforehand. She’d be unable to walk due to being laid out on a velvet settee with a serious case of the vapors.
While sashaying into Stirling Castle, THE QUEEN was met by an uncouth Shetland pony (“More like Shitland pony.” – THE QUEEN, probably) who shamelessly tried to steal her flowers. The common thief, we’ll call Lindsay LoPony, nibbled on THE QUEEN’s bouquet (that sounded wrong) and she hit that crook back with some sass. She pulled her flowers back and told the pony to go away and then she pet the pony’s nose. And I’m sure that she also whispered to one of her minions, “Send that pony to the worst glue factory in Scotland!”
And honestly, that pony is probably a Morrissey fan. Look at that hair. That pony’s totally emo.
Since Prince Hot Ginge wants nothing to do with the crown, I should remove it from my homomade (on purpose typo) PHG Real Doll during our “dates.” You know, to make the experience oh-so-realistic.
PHG did a long interview with Newsweek and he mostly talked about his charity stuff, but he also talked about how losing his mom at a young age really fucked with him, and he gave his thoughts about the future of the monarchy. He didn’t talk about Meghan Markle, but a “source” did and said that things are still new between them and if they get engaged, it won’t happen before the end of the year.
PHG says that his mom wanted him and his brother to live as normal of a life as possible, so he does his own grocery shopping and buys his own meat (wink win), but he also knows that he’s a prince and believes that his country and beyond still needs the magic of the monarchy.
Princess Charlotte could be in the process of covering her nose after smelling a royal fart (that was dealt by Princess Beatrice, her face is an ocean of fart guilt), but I’m pretty sure she’s sneezing, which could mean she was sick, which could mean she passed something to her great-granddaddy. See, this is why I instantly turn into Julianne Moore from Safe when a child near me so much as gets the sniffles.
In London right now, it’s apparently hotter and wetter than a b-hole exposed to shirtless pictures of Prince Hot Ginge. So a waterfall of sweat may be pouring out of your armpits just from looking at Prince William and Duchess Kate in stuffy clothes at Royal Ascot today, but fear not. I’m sure they wore frozen bloomers and nipple pasties, and mini air conditioning units were hiding under their hats. And if one droplet of sweat formed on their royal foreheads, the race would’ve been put on hold, and as the horses and jockeys slowly died of heatstroke while waiting on the track, Prince William and Duchess Kate would’ve cooled off in an air conditioned tent. So don’t sweat for them!
Today was day
two one of the Royal Ascot horse races and it brought out THE QUEEN and the royals who don’t really matter (read: the royals not named Prince Hot Ginge). Prince William and Duchess Kate wore stunning ensembles borrowed from a low-budget community theater production of My Fair Lady, and I’d like to think that at one point, DK screamed, “Move your bloomin’ arse,” at the horse she bet on.
Whenever I think of Royal Ascot, I think of Ladies Day (aka Refined Blossoms Day), so I was hoping to see pictures of a drunken Duchess Kate humping a trash can as a drunken THE QUEEN spanked her with a pocketbook. The closest I got to that was Duchess Kate nearly grabbing the Countess of Wessex’s chichis to stop her from falling.
— Kelly Mathews (@allthingsregal) June 20, 2017
Prince Philip was there and I don’t even want to know what he groaned out while watching that Countess-On-Duchess action.
I see the truth now… That emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace that THE QUEEN called at the last minute wasn’t about Prince Philip retiring his ribbon-cutting hand. That was just a cover-up. THE QUEEN summoned all of her staff to her throne room to warn them about a visit from a member of the Death Eaters.