Category: THE QUEEN

THE QUEEN Was Once Served A Slug In Her Salad

November 13, 2018 / Posted by:

Private chefs must have tough jobs; constantly preparing overly-specific meals for finicky rich people must get irritating fast. Now imagine that rich person is the actual QUEEN of England. That shit is too real. The Mirror is reporting that the job may be open for new talent, as a cook once served up something the Queen certainly did not find appetizing: an actual slug. No word if she snapped for one of her minions and said, “I’ve got a Camilla in my salad. Banish it from my sight at once!”  Continue reading

Prince Charles Says He’ll Stop His Activism When He Gets To Wear The Crown

November 8, 2018 / Posted by:

If your British and want your powerless head of state to wear a “Bernie Bro” T-shirt and a #metoo pin, you’re shit out of luck with Prince Charles. Charlie somehow thinks he’s going to outlive THE QUEEN and have a shot at that throne, and he decided to let cameras follow him for a year to document how difficult his life is waiting in the wings. Charlie may be best known for his waiting game and for giving up the Princess Diana for Duchess Camilla, but he’s also an environmentalist and has used his title for a host of charitable causes. He says that goes out the window the moment he dons the crown. Ha!

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The Last Of The Queen’s Corgis Has Gone To The Dog Park In The Sky

October 26, 2018 / Posted by:

If the streets of London are silent and all the shades are drawn this weekend, it isn’t just because the U.K. are in mourning that Victoria Beckham isn’t going to be reuniting with the Spice Girls. THE QUEEN has loved her corgis about as much as she’s loved making everyone’s butt pucker when they stepped foot inside Buckingham Palace. A few years back, sources close to her said she was going to stop breeding the dogs since she’s getting up there (she’s 92, but I tell myself she’ll go to 175 if it means keeping Prince Charles off the throne), and none of the youngins in line for the throne like the yappy dogs. Duchess Meghan apparently got along with them, but it is too little too late – the last of the royal corgis has passed away! Continue reading

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Duchess Camilla Won’t Be At Princess Eugenie’s Wedding

October 9, 2018 / Posted by:

The Royal Family is just like us! Well, one is anyway. Some of us (cough) are so obsessed with the royals that we’ll still be getting up early on Friday to tune into a non-BBC channel for the T.J. Maxx Royal Wedding, er, the nuptials of Princess Eugenie and her cousin (distant cousin…but still) Jack Brooksbank. Duchess Camilla will be doing the same thing since her ass isn’t even going to the wedding! While I was hoping it was because she was petty and had the BBC’s rules of “Prince Charles offspring only” for worthy royal weddings, but I guess she has a busy day of shaking hands ahead of her.

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Open Post: Hosted By Duchess Meghan’s Eyes Lighting Up While Looking At Her Wedding Dress

September 19, 2018 / Posted by:

I was all about to cynically hate on Duchess Meghan for saying FUCK YES to the dress with her eyes, but I cannot blame her. My eyes would transform into exploding 4,000 watt Philips Hue light bulbs (in shade: hot ginger) if I was looking at the outfit I was going to wear on the day that I could say goodbye to seeing a late fee on a credit card bill and say hello to happily spreading burn cream on my lips (you decide which ones) after rubbing ’em on the royal ginger crotch scepter every night.

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A Royal Mystery: Was Duchess Meghan Spotted Picking Up Dog Poo?

September 13, 2018 / Posted by:

A woman named Lisa Petrillo, who happens to be a reporter for CBS Miami, was walking/snooping around Kensington Palace in London yesterday and spotted what could only be THEE Duchess Meghan Markle with a little black and white doggy who was taking a crap. I should clarify; the doggy was taking a crap. Meghan was getting a bag ready while she waited for the pooch to pinch that shit off. Lisa was so excited by the royal sighting that she snapped a picture and posted it on Twitter.

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