In case you didn’t already know, today is THE QUEEN’s 90th birthday. If I was THE QUEEN and it was my birthday, and I was turning 90, I’d spend the whole day spread out like a starfish on the comfiest couch at Buckingham Palace in my best muumuu, watching whatever the British equivalent of Family Feud is, and holler at my lady-in-waiting to top up my teacup with earl grey-flavored vodka. But since THE QUEEN is THE QUEEN for a reason, she did what she always does.
Queen Elizabeth II got all dolled up in her 90th birthday best and strolled around waving to her subjects with the top-tier members of her crew, Prince Philip and her pocketbook. Apparently Queen Elizabeth’s version of birthday best is a long green coat, some sensible shoes, and a hat that looks like it was made during a cake decorating class at Michaels. Speaking of cakes, some random person in the crowd made her a birthday cake with a corgi on it. I doubt that’s a picture of one of her corgis, and I highly doubt she ate it. But it’s nice to see that at least one corgi showed up for her birthday.
I don’t know what better thing THE QUEEN’s corgis had to do today, but surely it wasn’t more important than celebrating the 90th birthday of their pack leader. Maybe they’re still sore that she passed over them and gave the 4th stamp to Prince George. Those ungrateful little furry footstools. No hand-carved royal roast for you tonight.
Other than the walk and wave, The Queen also attended a beacon lighting ceremony. Wait, that’s it? A 90th birthday merits a little more razzle dazzle than that. Thankfully the day isn’t over yet. There’s still time to round up a bunch of male strippers and mark her birthday with a 21-buns salute.
King and Queen of all things grumpy, hateful and bitter, Morrissey, is possibly considering running for mayor of London. Don’t tell him I called him King and Queen because you know how he feels about the monarchy, but I cannot tell a lie and that is what he is. His kingdom, unlike the Queen’s, is all eyeliner emo kids eating vegan snackpacks while they cry about their hair straighteners not working or something and soon, that very well could become part of the Queen’s kingdom.
At 5:30pm British time today, Morrissey will quietly go into his closet, put on a paper crown, turn off the light and softly play “God Save The Queen” on a kazoo before squeeing with joy. (You know he’s a closet royal lovah.) Because at that time, THE QUEEN will become the longest-reigning monarch in UK history. As the tricks on Twitter say, when will your fave be born into monarchy, become queen and live long enough to break records without even trying?!
Kensington Palace Tells The Paparazzi To Stop Taking Unauthorized Pictures Of Prince George Or Else!
Kensington Palace is not fucking around and today the town crier stood in the middle of the square and yelled out “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!” before reading a 60,000 word statement to the paparazzi and the media about why it’s wrong to take and publish unauthorized pictures of the royal children. The statement says that the paparazzi are stalking Prince George and are taking pictures of him outside of public events using shady tactics like long lenses and hiding in bushes. Some publications, mostly in the US, France, Germany, Australia and New Zealand have published the pictures. Kensington Palace wants the paps and the media to let Prince George live his life. “Our impact has gone international!” – Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard
Over the weekend, the British royals were hit with an ESCANDALOSO video and surprisingly, it wasn’t a video of Prince Philip choking out a basket of kittens for looking at him wrong. The Sun released an old, grainy video of a 7-year-old Queen Elizabeth (who was Princess Elizabeth back then) doing the Nazi salute with her known Nazi sympathizer uncle Edward, her sister Princess Margaret and their mom. The clip came from the royal family’s personal archives. Buckingham Palace said at the time that they are considering suing whores and will investigate this “invasion of privacy.” Well, the Daily Telegraph says that there’s a chance the leak came from INSIDE THE PALACE!
“Well well well…” said Prince Harry, as he stepped out from behind the curtains in The Queen’s drawing room holding a iPad. “Looks like someone will be borrowing my ‘Whoops, I didn’t mean to do Nazi stuff‘ apology.”
The Queen’s army of corgis are no doubt giving each other awkward glances in the halls of Buckingham Palace today, because footage of The Queen giving a Nazi salute was released by The Sun yesterday. The old-timey video was shot in either 1933 or 1934 and shows The Queen, The Queen Mum, The Queen’s little sister Princess Margaret, and their uncle Prince Edward throwing their hands in the air, and yeah, they’re all really going for it. According to The Sun (and Wikipedia), Edward VIII was a Nazi sympathizer who once claimed Hitler was “not a bad chap“, and I guess he thought getting his tiny nieces to do the salute would be cute or something.
Then again, there is no sound, so maybe they were at a birthday party and were raising their hands to let the host know they all wanted a slice of iced sponge? Yeah, that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself.
The Guardian says the editor of The Sun claims they released the video to “provide context” for attitudes before WW2. Uh huh. Sure, The Sun. Buckingham Palace has issued a statement about the footage, saying they were “disappointed” that it was being exploited, and question how The Sun got their hands on it. They also want you to know The Queen probably wasn’t serious.
“Most people will see these pictures in their proper context and time. This is a family playing and momentarily referencing a gesture many would have seen from contemporary news reels. No one at that time had any sense how it would evolve. To imply anything else is misleading and dishonest. The Queen is around six years of age at the time and entirely innocent of attaching any meaning to these gestures.”
They also made sure to remind everyone that The Queen served England during WW2.
Now Duchess Kate finally has some leverage the next time The Queen threatens to have the palace guards burn her collection of wedges. “Oh, I’m sorry – you think my wedges are offensive? Do I need to remind you what else is offensive?“
Before we get into the latest contribution that 94-year-old Prince Philip, THE QUEEN’s husband and Mr. Burns’ long-lost British daddy, made to the Department of Fuckery, here’s a few of his past “greatest hits.”
– While visiting China in 1986, Prince Philip told a group of British exchange students that if they stay there for much longer, they’ll become “slitty-eyed.”
– Prince Philip asked an aboriginal businessman “Do you throw spears at each other?” during a visit to Australia in 2002.
– Prince Philip smashed the space-flying dreams of a 13-year-old while looking at the NOVA spacecraft at Salford University when he told the kid, “Well, you’ll never fly in it, you’re too fat to be an astronaut.”
– And of course, last week he told a photographer to hurry up and “take the fucking picture” at a photo call with his grandkid Prince William and other veterans.
That is some “Shit My Messy 90-Something Grandparent Says” shit.
Reverend Henry Kane’s spirit brother was at it again while attending the opening of the Chadwell Heath Community Centre in Dagenham with THE QUEEN yesterday (pictures below). Nusrat Zamir, who founded the Asian Women’s Network at the center, tells The Daily Mail that while talking to a group of women, Prince Philip asked them who do they “sponge” off of? Somebody please find a way to warn the birds above to watch out for Morrissey’s head, because it’s going to pop off of his neck and shoot through the sky any second now.
Ms Zamir, who founded the Chadwell Heath Asian Women’s Network which meets at the centre, said: “The Duke said to us ‘who do you sponge off?” We’re all married so it’s our husbands. “He was just teasing and it’s similar to what I call my husband – the wallet.”
The 35-year-old, who presented the Queen with a large iced sponge cake as the royal couple arrived at the community centre, added: “He also said to us ‘do you meet to have a gossip?'”
The women should’ve answered back with, “We’d ask you the same thing, but everyone knows the answer to that, you curmudgeon ass coot.” But a rep for the royals said that it was completely taken out of context by the media and the women too, I guess. Because Prince Philip was talking about sponge cake!
“There’s a context here, they were talking about a sponge cake, no offence was intended or taken.”
Nice spin. Next week when Prince Philip visits a mental health facility and says to an Asian patient, “What a nutty nip, you are,” a rep for the royals will say that he wasn’t being offensive. He was referring to the delicious peanuts and cheese crackers snack mix he made for the patients.
Pics: AP, Wenn.com
Send them to the gallows for this!
Poor Princess Charlotte. First, she was forced to wear her brother’s old, used lace gown to her christening and then she was forced to pose in a family portrait without Prince Hot Ginge. I see her “Why me?” head tilt in that picture. I know it well, because I do that when it’s 9pm on a Saturday night and I realize I drank the last bottle of wine in the house. Prince Hot Ginge was in Africa doing charity work, so he wasn’t able to make his royal niece’s induction into the Haus of Jesus, but that’s still no excuse for him not being in the portrait.
Between her hand waving duties and brushing her velvet locks 200 times a day, Duchess Kate could’ve taken a quick graphic design class at the London branch of The Learning Annex (They have that, right?) and Photoshopped PHG into that picture. Like this:
And I don’t even have a certificate in graphic design from the London branch of The Learning Annex. Surprising, I know. If you’re wondering why Jude Law is in that family portrait, that’s not Jude Law. It’s Duchess Kate’s brother. I know, I hardly recognized him without that hot French maid costume on his body.
Here’s more pictures, taken by Mario Testino, from Kensington Palace’s Twitter account of Princess Charlotte’s christening day. I’m slow clapping for Prince George smiling at the camera like, “Haha, I’ve got more hair than my daddy.”
While the traitor ass colonials recuperate from celebrating the anniversary of breaking up with the motherland, the British royals put on their nicest pair of bloomers and got Sunday church service elegant for 9-week-old Princess Charlotte’s christening. Princess Charlotte was hazed into the Christian church with a holy water dunk at St. Mary Magdalene on the Sandringham Estate today. Princess Charlotte wore a replica of the elegant-as-fuck lace heirloom gown that has been worn by many of her ancestor. Her own brother Prince George wore the exact same lace gown to his christening in 2013. Princess Charlotte is barely brand new and she’s already finding out that the second child has to deal with wearing their older siblings’ hand-me-downs. As a kid who had to wear his older sister’s kangaroo Halloween costume the year after she wore it, I feel your pain, Princess Charlotte. Cry it out! (Side note: I would do a “Who Worked It Better?” between Princess Charlotte and Prince George, but that wouldn’t be fair. We all know who the winner is: Prince Hot Ginge!)
While making her way to St. Mary Magdalene, Princess Charlotte passed her royal subjects in a chariot (aka a Mary Poppins pram) pushed by Duchess Kate. Thankfully, Prince George didn’t stab me in the soul and leave me for dead by wearing ungodly CROCs again. Instead, he wore his signature t-band Mary Jane nun shoes with baggy high-waisted shorts and a little shirt. Prince George’s outfit was an homage to an outfit that his dad Prince William wore to meet his baby brother for the first time. The look is very casual Friday Von Trapp child and I’m sure it will be the look of the summer for rich toddlers.
Just like her brother, Princess Charlotte has several godparents. Princess Charlotte has 3 godfathers and 2 godmothers, and none of them are Pippa Middleton or Prince Hot Ginge. Princess Diana’s niece is one of Princess Charlotte’s godmothers, though. Those British royals and their multiple godparents! They probably do that so they can get even more presents at Christmastime and on birthdays. Is there any limit to their greed?! Eh, Princess Charlotte deserves it after being forced to wear her brother’s old dress on her big day.
I have no idea what Prince Harry is doing with his tongue, but I do know it’s my duty to crop this pic right around his head and send it to Michael K immediately.
Even though Prince George has appeared before his subjects countless times before, today was the first time he’s ever done it on the Buckingham Palace balcony with all the other fancy Royal Family types. I guess getting invited onto the Palace balcony is a pretty big deal, because George was dressed in his fancy baby best. According to TIME, George wore the exact same outfit his daddy wore when he made his first appearance on the Palace balcony in 1984. You know you’re about to do something very important when you see your mom pulling out a Space Bag and blowing 30 years worth of moth ball dust and dried-up spiders off of it.
But Prince George didn’t decide to make an appearance on the balcony just because he felt like it. It was for The Queen’s annual Trooping the Colour ceremony. I really one of The Queen’s corgi’s warned those pilots to keep their eyes on the sky, because I can imagine their flying would get all kinds of sloppy in the event they accidentally looked down at the balcony and got distracted by Prince George being adorable.
Not only was it a big day for Prince George, but it was also a big day for his mom. Today was Duchess Kate’s first day back at work since pushing out Princess Charlotte six weeks ago. Maybe that would explain her hat; nothing says “Aw shit, back to work” like wearing a hat made out of a plastic bedpan.
Here’s more of Prince George being cute as hell while watching a bunch of planes fly overhead during the Trooping the Colour ceremony earlier today.