Category: THE QUEEN

“Whyyyyy Did You Make Me Wear This Hand-Me-Down In Public?”

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

While the traitor ass colonials recuperate from celebrating the anniversary of breaking up with the motherland, the British royals put on their nicest pair of bloomers and got Sunday church service elegant for 9-week-old Princess Charlotte’s christening. Princess Charlotte was hazed into the Christian church with a holy water dunk at St. Mary Magdalene on the Sandringham Estate today. Princess Charlotte wore a replica of the elegant-as-fuck lace heirloom gown that has been worn by many of her ancestor. Her own brother Prince George wore the exact same lace gown to his christening in 2013. Princess Charlotte is barely brand new and she’s already finding out that the second child has to deal with wearing their older siblings’ hand-me-downs. As a kid who had to wear his older sister’s kangaroo Halloween costume the year after she wore it, I feel your pain, Princess Charlotte. Cry it out! (Side note: I would do a “Who Worked It Better?” between Princess Charlotte and Prince George, but that wouldn’t be fair. We all know who the winner is: Prince Hot Ginge!)

While making her way to St. Mary Magdalene, Princess Charlotte passed her royal subjects in a chariot (aka a Mary Poppins pram) pushed by Duchess Kate. Thankfully, Prince George didn’t stab me in the soul and leave me for dead by wearing ungodly CROCs again. Instead, he wore his signature t-band Mary Jane nun shoes with baggy high-waisted shorts and a little shirt. Prince George’s outfit was an homage to an outfit that his dad Prince William wore to meet his baby brother for the first time. The look is very casual Friday Von Trapp child and I’m sure it will be the look of the summer for rich toddlers.

Just like her brother, Princess Charlotte has several godparents. Princess Charlotte has 3 godfathers and 2 godmothers, and none of them are Pippa Middleton or Prince Hot Ginge. Princess Diana’s niece is one of Princess Charlotte’s godmothers, though. Those British royals and their multiple godparents! They probably do that so they can get even more presents at Christmastime and on birthdays. Is there any limit to their greed?! Eh, Princess Charlotte deserves it after being forced to wear her brother’s old dress on her big day.

Pics: Splash

Prince George Made His First Appearance On The Palace Balcony Today

June 13, 2015 / Posted by:

I have no idea what Prince Harry is doing with his tongue, but I do know it’s my duty to crop this pic right around his head and send it to Michael K immediately.

Even though Prince George has appeared before his subjects countless times before, today was the first time he’s ever done it on the Buckingham Palace balcony with all the other fancy Royal Family types. I guess getting invited onto the Palace balcony is a pretty big deal, because George was dressed in his fancy baby best. According to TIME, George wore the exact same outfit his daddy wore when he made his first appearance on the Palace balcony in 1984. You know you’re about to do something very important when you see your mom pulling out a Space Bag and blowing 30 years worth of moth ball dust and dried-up spiders off of it.

But Prince George didn’t decide to make an appearance on the balcony just because he felt like it. It was for The Queen’s annual Trooping the Colour ceremony. I really one of The Queen’s corgi’s warned those pilots to keep their eyes on the sky, because I can imagine their flying would get all kinds of sloppy in the event they accidentally looked down at the balcony and got distracted by Prince George being adorable.

Not only was it a big day for Prince George, but it was also a big day for his mom. Today was Duchess Kate’s first day back at work since pushing out Princess Charlotte six weeks ago. Maybe that would explain her hat; nothing says “Aw shit, back to work” like wearing a hat made out of a plastic bedpan.

Here’s more of Prince George being cute as hell while watching a bunch of planes fly overhead during the Trooping the Colour ceremony earlier today.

Pics: Wenn.com

Prince Hot Ginge Got Knighted For Being Nice To His Memaw

June 5, 2015 / Posted by:

When you’re just a regular peasant like 99% of us here, you may have gotten a caramel square, a butterscotch hard candy, some quarters to buy a Pink Panther ice cream bar from the paleta man or a look that says, “You’re safe from the chancla this time,” from your abuelita when you didn’t act a mess and kept quiet during her telenovela-watching time. But when you’re a fancy British royal who was lucky enough to swim out of a prince’s dick slit and jam yourself into a princess’ egg, you get an actual medal for being nice to your grandma. Not just a gold star sticker, a damn medal.

The BBC says that THE QUEEN made Prince Hot Ginge a Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order during a private ceremony at the palace. PHG got the knighthood for his “service to the sovereign.” In other words, he got that shit for doing something all of us should do. In other words, PHG gets awards for being PHG. That’s the way it should be. Some source (probably one of the more gossipy Corgis) tells The Telegraph that PHG was proud of getting a title for being nice to Nana Liz.

A royal source said Prince Harry, 30, was “proud and pleased” to receive the honour, adding: “It is very significant for him personally.”

Note to self: Make sure to scream out “Sir Prince Hot Ginge” instead of just “Prince Hot Ginge” during my wet dream fantasies. Must remain respectful of the royals and their titles at all times!

The Queen Wants Duchess Kate To Get Back To Work

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m pretending this is the exact same “Oi, are you fooking kidding me?” look Duchess Kate shot into the sky when she found out The Queen wanted her to get her ass back to work. Yes I said sky; The Queen is omnipresent, like God or Santa, right?

Even though Duchess Kate gave birth to Baby Princess Charlotte a hot marmalade minute ago, OK says The Queen is already laying out a selection of jewel-tone coats and dresses that have already sold out from here to Uranus for her granddaughter-in-law, because it’s time to get back to waving, smiling, having nice hair, and waving. According to a “source“, The Queen wants Duchess Kate to make an appearance at her birthday parade on June 13th, and she thinks a month is a long enough maternity leave. Prince William has already gone back to work.

The last time Duchess Kate went on mat leave, she checked out for 39 days, so I’m sure The Queen has already gotten a crippling finger sprain from the amount of time she’s done that obnoxious “Time’s a ticking!” pointing-at-a-pretend-watch-on-your wrist hand motion. Gawd Duchess Kate, why are you being so lazy? Let Baby Prince George take care of his little sister, and get back to work! What’s that? You’re still sore from pushing out a spare? Suck it up buttercup, the corgis need a new ruby-studded dog ramp and that shit don’t come cheap.

By the way, if someone could explain to me how Royal ‘work’ works, that would be great, because I clearly have no idea.

Um, Shouldn’t THE QUEEN Be Curtsying To THE SAINT?

October 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Malala Yousafzai became the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner in history today (“Malala, you’re welcome for the recommendation, by the way” – Justin Bieber) and the day should belong to her and it did belong to her until St. Angie Jolie came along and stole her glory!

Back in June, the British royals announced that they were adding the title of “Dame” to St. Angie Jolie’s mountain of other titles (e.g. Saint, The Second Coming, Great Royal Home Wrecker, Our Lady Of Condom Shoes, etc…). Today at Buckingham Palace in London, THE QUEEN made it official by dame’ing St. Angie Jolie while throwing a look that said, “Reminder to self: Fish out that jam-covered crumpet I keep in my pocketbook and give it to this malnourished child.” THE QUEEN’s Corgis were seen around Buckingham Palace with clothespins on their noses and that could only mean one thing: stinky ass Brad Pitt was in the building. Brad Pitt and the entire child army were there when THE QUEEN presented St. Angie with the insignia of an Honorary Dame Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George for helping to save the world, specifically for her campaign work fighting sexual violence and for services to UK foreign policy.

The Telegraph says that since St. Angie Jolie isn’t a Brit, she can’t use the title of Dame, but she can throw the initials DCMG after her name. (“Oh, does DCMG stand for Depraved Conniving Man Grabber?” – Jennifer Aniston circa 2005)

St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt were reportedly invited to George Clooney’s intimate, low-key wedding in Venice, but they didn’t go, because they were too busy shooting their version of Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea in Malta. They’re still shooting that movie, so I guess St. Angie only makes time for real queens, not STUNT QUEENS.

Here’s more of St. Angie looking like Lady Tremaine in an Easter suit while getting honored by THE QUEEN.

Pics: Wenn.com

“Well, I’d Say It’s About This Long….While Soft.”

June 17, 2014 / Posted by:

All those English horse races are the same to me (I’m a racist, I know), so I always get Aintree and Ascot mixed up. Aintree is that horse race that brings out Britain’s most genteel and pristine flowers and by the end of the day, a lot of them are on the ground, spread eagle with the bottom of their dresses covering their faces and empty bottles of booze strewn around them. So I was getting my nipples ready for the moment when pictures would come out of Prince Hot Ginge drunkenly lying on the concrete in nothing but a top hat and a thong made out of his baby blue tie. But Prince Hot Ginge wasn’t at Aintree, he was Ascot, which is like Aintree’s snobby older cousin who suddenly has a posh accent, wipes his ass with silk, can go to a horse race on a weekday afternoon since he doesn’t work and looks down upon getting broke down, panty-flashing drunk in public. BOO!

PHG was on his best behavior at Royal Ascot (I’d let him cot my ass and I’m not even going to pretend to know what that means) today, because THE QUEEN was there with a pocketbook full of bricks that she wasn’t afraid to swing if one of her grandchildren started acting the fool. THE QUEEN’s piece Prince Philip was also there and I never understand why he goes to those things. He’s 93 years old and if I ever make it to 93, the last place I’d want to be is at a horse race where I’d have to stand in the grass as my 93-year-old saladitos-looking ass nutsack suffocated from being shoved into a stuffy suit. But he’s a good sport about it, I guess.

And there’s really nothing else that needs to be said about these pictures. It’s PHG in a top hat and holding an umbrella. I’d hit it all including that top hat and the umbrella he’s stroking.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Saint Got Dame’d

June 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Not only did St. Angie Jolie meet fellow home wrecking legend Duchess Camilla in London today (Side note: What in Little House on the Prairie cosplay HELL is Camilla wearing?), but she also got honored by THE QUEEN! St. Angie’s in London to co-host the week-long Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict and since she was there, THE QUEEN figured that she might as well throw an honor her way since God, Jesus, all the apostles, the Academy, and pretty much everybody else on Earth has already honored her. I don’t know if there was a ceremony or anything, but I doubt, because THE QUEEN would rather spend her time doing other things like watching screeners of the upcoming season of TOWIE while eating melted ice cream in her underwear.

After St. Angie was named an honorary Dame by THE QUEEN for services to UK foreign policy and campaigning to end sexual violence in war zones, she released this statement:

“To receive an honour related to foreign policy means a great deal to me, as it is what I wish to dedicate my working life to. Working on PVSI and with survivors of rape is an honour in itself. I know that succeeding in our goals will take a lifetime, and I am dedicated to it for all of mine.”

St. Angie’s not a British citizen, so she can’t be called a Dame, but like she gives a shit. She’s already got the title of SAINT!

Daniel Day-Lewis is now Sir Daniel Day-Lewis, because he was knighted. Maggie Smith and Damian Lewis were also honored.

St. Angie is already Queen of the Saints and the Moon and the Stars, so it was only a matter of time before she became a Dame (in spirit at least). But what I want to know is, where are the priorities of the people who chooses the next Dames and Sirs? I mean, how is it possible that Maggie Smith, Daniel Day-Lewis, St. Angie Jolie and dozens of others are honored by THE QUEEN and England’s greatest treasure and finest rose Jodie Marsh isn’t? Jodie Marsh should be a three-time Dame for her contribution to British elegance and grace. People should be rioting in the streets over that shit.

Here’s more pictures of St. Angie meeting Camilla and also some pictures of St. Angie and Robert Evans Brad Pitt at an End Sexual Violence in Conflict event.

Pics: Wenn.com 

SKANDAL: A German Tabloid Published A Picture Of Duchess Kate’s Bare Royal Nalgas

May 27, 2014 / Posted by:

The only German I know I learned from that scene in European Vacation where the German girl shows Rusty her tits, but I’m pretty sure “für dieses” means “DAT AZZ” in English.

During Duchess Kate and Prince William’s government-paid vacation through New Zealand and Australia, a photographer caught a glimpse of her ass cheeks as the wind lifted up her dress while she walked to a helicopter in Sydney. I’m blaming it on the wind, but maybe she just let out an extra strong royal ass queef? Anyway, the German tabloid Bild published the picture of Duchess Kate’s unbuttered crumpets this morning next to pictures of Khloezilla’s Sasquatch butt and Kim Kartrashian’s butt looking like an extra large diaper full of soil jelly. The British media (read: basically just The Daily Mail) is outraged! The Daily Mail called Bild’s headlines “tasteless,” which is like me calling the trick next to me at the glory hole a cheap, desperate slut whore as I suck off a random semi-flaccid peen. The Daily Mail thinks it’s a breach of privacy:

A German newspaper has risked a royal upset by publishing a photograph of the Duchess of Cambridge’s bare bottom.

The picture was taken during Kate’s recent tour of Australia when a gust of wind briefly caught her dress – and her flimsy underwear did not offer much protection.

Now tabloid newspaper Bild am Sonntag has published the image beneath a series of tasteless headlines.

It ran the photograph alongside pictures of US reality television star Kim Kardashian and her sister Khloe, famed for their shapely bottoms, with the caption: ‘Khloe, Kim and Kate – backsides which have moved us these past few days.’ The breach of privacy comes less than two years after the Duke and Duchess launched legal action against a French magazine that printed topless photographs of Kate on holiday.

As the wind from the helicopter’s rotor blades lifted Kate’s £295 Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress, an opportunistic photographer captured the moment and touted it around international newspapers. It was reportedly sold to the ‘highest bidder’ after British papers refused to print it. First published in the Bild’s Sunday paper, it also appeared on its website, accompanied by crude captions. Beside the offending picture were the words: ‘Thank the wind for the insight into the royal household.

The drama of it all! It’s just ass cheeks.

The Daily Mail is a mess, because you know they’d post a picture of Peter Andre’s prostate if they got a picture of Peter Andre’s prostate. It’s not like the pictures are of Duchess Kate washing her ass in her own shower and it’s not like Bild got the pictures from a hidden camera that a handyman they paid off installed in Prince William’s shaving mirror. Duchess Kate’s ass cheeks were out in the open.

But you know, maybe the Daily Mail isn’t being that dramatic, because I’m sure THE QUEEN is going to beat a bitch for this. The only person allowed to see Duchess Kate’s ass is THE QUEEN and she only saw it that one time when she examined Kate’s body to make sure Kate was birthing body ready before she could approve Prince William’s engagement. Not even Prince William has seen Duchess Kate’s ass. They only do it missionary-style. THE QUEEN is going to put a brick in her pocketbook and hit Kate’s stylist in the mouth. Then she’s going to use that stylist’s knocked-out teeth, along with some coins, to weigh down Kate’s dresses so this never happens again! Then THE QUEEN will destroy everyone and everything involved including Germany and the wind in Australia.

If your innocent eyes can take it, click to see Duchess Kate’s scandalous bare ass cheeks. 

THE QUEEN Orders Prince Hot Ginge To Shave Off His Beard Of Fire

January 6, 2014 / Posted by:

If that polar vortex (which sounds like a fancy name for one of Nicole Kidman’s queefs) has put a thick layer of ice on your b-hole, then take those chonies off and warm it on Prince Hot Ginge’s fire beard while you still can. Because The Express (via Jezebel) has heard from “royal sources” (aka that gossiping, shady whore Camilla) that THE QUEEN hates the fiery field of ginger hairs all over Prince Hot Ginge’s face and has ordered him to take a razor to it. The Queen thinks beards look scruffy and she doesn’t let any member of her palace staff grow one. The Queen has even been known to pull tweezers out of her pocket book and pluck the thick stache hairs above Camilla’s mouth during dinner. No face hair for THE QUEEN! PHG knows that his memaw wants the beard gone, but he’s waiting to show it to his piece Cressida Boners before he gets rid of it. (Translation: PHG wants his piece to brush her coochie lips with his beard before he gets rid of it.) The royal source said this:

“The rest of the family liked it and were taking the mickey, especially his cousin Zara who dubbed him ‘Prince Hairy.’ But the Queen soon let her displeasure be known. She doesn’t mind royal men growing beards when they are away in the Armed Forces or out in the wilds like Harry was in the Antarctic, but she expects them to be clean-shaven when they get home. Royal staff are not supposed to grow beards or moustaches and she probably thinks it is difficult to enforce that rule when her own grandson has a beard. Harry doesn’t like to upset the Queen and will probably shave it off soon but he is still a bit of a rebel and he wasn’t going to remove it straight away. He wanted to show it off to Cressida first and see what she thought of it.”

With that beard, PHG sort of looks like a failed pro baseball player turned shady bail bondsman who turned to the bottle after his second marriage ended and regularly gets kicked out of bars for pissing on the floor and making out with the jukebox. What I’m saying is that the beard is hot, but now that I know that THE QUEEN hates it, it’s even hotter. Defy THE QUEEN with that beard, PHG!

And I am only okay with PHG shaving his beard off if he sells the hair on eBay. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sell everything I have to buy his shaved-off beard hair and I have to do a little research on how to make anal beads out of shaved-off beard hair.

Prince Hot Ginge’s Piping Hot Beard Would Like To Wish You A Merry Christmas!

December 25, 2013 / Posted by:

And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, then Prince Hot Ginge’s piping hot beard would like to wish you a Merry Wednesday!

But if you do celebrate the day we all get each other gift cards to Bed, Bath and Beyond, because we just CAN’T with shopping, then you might be drunk from guzzling down gallons of sweet nectar and processed sugar to deal with spending a full day indoors with your family. Grab another bottle, sit back and roast your chestnuts on the open fire growing on Prince Hot Ginge’s beautiful face. That ginger neck beard could give Lucifer the sweats.

PHG, Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince Charles, Princess Beatrice, Duchess Cumilla, some other royal whores and THE QUEEN all took their asses to The Church of St Mary Magdalene for Christmas Day service today. Little Prince George didn’t come, because Prince Philip was there, so they already had a baldie who’d fall asleep, cry out of boredom, slobber and fart. They didn’t need two.

And seeing Prince William touch Prince Hot Ginge’s glorious, luscious hairy beard of fire makes me think to myself, “Prince William’s finger: I’d hit it until his nail popped off.

Pics: AP, Splash

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