The best thing that ever happened (in my opinion) to THE QUEEN & Co. is The Crown, as it showed all of us commoners that those royals are just as fucked in the head as the rest of us. While Claire Foy may have dominated awards season with her portrayal of QE2 as the ultimate cock block of a big sister, Vanessa Kirby was robbed in her tackling the Buckingham Palace booze bag that is the queen’s little sis Princess Margaret.
Since the producers of the show are insistent on shaking up the cast every two seasons to accurately portray aging, Vanessa won’t be around next season to light up, toss back a G&T, and deliver a catty comment in the direction of the throne. But have no fear: she’s getting replaced with an equally legendary wack-a-doodle doo: Helena Bonnham Carter! Continue reading
Meghan Markle will officially join the British Royal Family in May 2018, but if you ask my ass, she officially joined this morning when she partook in the family tradition of wearing a stupid fucking hat to Christmas Day church service at St Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham. Besides resisting the urge to slap Prince Michael of Kunt at THE QUEEN’s pre-Christmas lunch the other day, Meghan Markel’s biggest challenge as a royal was probably trying to stay the hell awake through Christmas church service today. Although, it’s probably impossible to fall asleep when your down-low parts are loudly singing HALLELUJAH over you getting to do Prince Hot Ginge on the regular.
Meghan joined PHG, THE QUEEN, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla and Duchess Kate at church this morning. Duchess Kate did herself up like a little rich girl from the 1950s on Christmas Day, and it was highly rude of her to wear that warm bear pubes hat on her head while her husband was probably suffering from hypothermia of the bald spot. Duchess Kate’s hat and coat were made by the Haus of Who Cares What Duchess Kate Was Wearing When Meghan Markle Was There. Because I know you care and really want to max out your credit cards while getting the exact look, Meghan Markle wore a $1,300 baby alpaca coat by Sentaler, $650 suede boots by Stuart Weitzman, a $1,400 Chloe purse and a fancy chocolate hat that looks like the poop emoji to haters, and like a fancy French version of the poop emoji (le poop emojé) to fans.
I didn’t see any pictures of Prince George and Princes Charlotte. They were probably busy doing more important things: commanding the stores to open so that they can return the dumb Christmas presents they didn’t want.
And here’s more pictures from this morning’s service including one of THE QUEEN blinding everyone’s eyes by looking like a regal naranja.
THE QUEEN better have the corgis on their best behavior this week, because an American is apparently skipping Turkey Day to slum it in the mother country with Prince Hot Ginge. Continue reading
Queen Elizabeth II is 91 years old, and she looks pretty damn good for 91. Turns out there may be a reason why The Queen doesn’t look a day over 86, and it could be that her insides are preserved like an expertly aged jar of pickles from all the booze she drinks. Based on zero research, of course. I’m just going with what I know: that wine is basically a health elixir, and that a human gut can only take so many cream-based party coolers (those do no favors for no body).
THE QUEEN was in Scotland this week and on her itinerary was a little kiki with Canadian panty creamer extraordinaire Justin Trudeau as well as a visit to Stirling Castle. My guess is that THE QUEEN visited Stirling Castle first and I’m only saying that because she wouldn’t be able to visit any castle if she had met up with Trudeau beforehand. She’d be unable to walk due to being laid out on a velvet settee with a serious case of the vapors.
While sashaying into Stirling Castle, THE QUEEN was met by an uncouth Shetland pony (“More like Shitland pony.” – THE QUEEN, probably) who shamelessly tried to steal her flowers. The common thief, we’ll call Lindsay LoPony, nibbled on THE QUEEN’s bouquet (that sounded wrong) and she hit that crook back with some sass. She pulled her flowers back and told the pony to go away and then she pet the pony’s nose. And I’m sure that she also whispered to one of her minions, “Send that pony to the worst glue factory in Scotland!”
And honestly, that pony is probably a Morrissey fan. Look at that hair. That pony’s totally emo.
Since Prince Hot Ginge wants nothing to do with the crown, I should remove it from my homomade (on purpose typo) PHG Real Doll during our “dates.” You know, to make the experience oh-so-realistic.
PHG did a long interview with Newsweek and he mostly talked about his charity stuff, but he also talked about how losing his mom at a young age really fucked with him, and he gave his thoughts about the future of the monarchy. He didn’t talk about Meghan Markle, but a “source” did and said that things are still new between them and if they get engaged, it won’t happen before the end of the year.
PHG says that his mom wanted him and his brother to live as normal of a life as possible, so he does his own grocery shopping and buys his own meat (wink win), but he also knows that he’s a prince and believes that his country and beyond still needs the magic of the monarchy.