And no, I’m not talking about Prince Hot Ginge for once. I’m talking about THE QUEEN’S purse!
Here’s the official pictures from Prince George’s royal christening taken by world-renowned photographer Olan Mills and in every picture THE QUEEN’S in, so is her most trusted friend in the world: her pocketbook. Do you really think THE QUEEN is going to leave her purse on a table somewhere out of her eyesight? If you think she should’ve been separated from her purse for these pictures, then you don’t know the royal family. They are a bunch of thieving, shifty bitches who would steal a queef out of a snatch if they needed one. If THE QUEEN left her purse out for one second, Prince Hot Ginge would go through it and steal her little bottles of malt liquor. If she left her purse out for two seconds, Prince Charles would steal her poppers. If she left her purse out for three seconds, Camilla would steal her bag of sugar cubes (which she throws in Camilla’s mouth whenever she feels that trick is talking too much). So THE QUEEN always keeps her purse close to her. The first rule of Abuelita Club is NEVER be more than 1 foot away from your purse, because your family members are sneaky whores and they will steal from you the same way the royal family steals from their subjects. Keep that purse close and slap any tramp that touches it.
Here’s more of the royal family looking like melting candle people while posing in the ugliest suite at the Marriott. I know I said this yesterday, but I need to say it again: Prince George’s gown is flawless and I’m sure Andre Leon Talley is having a copy made right now. Sorry, ALT, but you just don’t have the pudgy, short, tiny baby arms needed to work that lace gown like PG does.
Not pictured: THE QUEEN making a “You BETTA recognize, hussy” face.
Who knew that British royals are just like us! They also have to bow their heads down to their abuelitas or face the wrath of the pocketbook (the pocketbook is the British royals’ answer to the chancleta). I spent way too much time focusing on Prince George’s sharp-as-shit christening gown, so I completely forgot to add this video of the royals air kissing and bowing down to THE QUEEN at his christening in London today. My favorite part is when Prince George glides in and gets into a stare down contest with THE QUEEN. (Spoiler alert: THE QUEEN won.)
Prince William is trying to make it look like Prince George is waving, but it looks more like he’s nonchalantly playing a tiny invisible piano with one hand.
Once inside the chapel, Prince George was christened with water from the River Jordan. I’m guessing that by “the River Jordan” they mean Katie Price’s bathwater, right? And right after the River Jordan water was poured on Prince George’s head, PHG let out a stream of giggles, because he swapped that river water with vodka.
In case you couldn’t tell from the fact that Morrissey’s screams of excitement are echoing through the world, the royal vagine is stretching as I type this. I got an alert on my phone at around 12:30am my time that said: DUCHESS KATE IS IN LABOR! STOP EVERYTHING! I was about to jump out of bed and glue my eyes to all the riveting live feeds from outside the Lindo wing of St Mary’s Hospital in west London, but I figured that THE QUEEN probably got the same alert on her phone, shrugged, screamed at her lady-in-waiting not to bother her until Prince William is re-enacting the “present to the pride” scene from the Lion King and went back to spooning with her pocketbook. So I did the same thing (but replace “pocketbook” with “empty bag of Soft Batch cookies.”)
Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge has been admitted to St. Mary’s Hospital, Paddington, London in the early stages of labour.
— Clarence House (@ClarenceHouse) July 22, 2013
The Duchess travelled by car from Kensington Palace to the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital with The Duke of Cambridge.
— Clarence House (@ClarenceHouse) July 22, 2013
So right now in London, Duchess Kate is probably taking a royal labor shit on the delivery table as Prince Hot Ginge celebrates by doing afternoon vodka shots off all the nurses’tits. And when Duchess Kate finally gives birth to the future King of Queen of England, it will be announced on an ornate easel Pippa’s bare ass behind the railings on Buckingham Palace’s forecourt.
In case you couldn’t tell from the fact that THE QUEEN always looks like a giant chunk of a rainbow and her hats are gayer than a flower poodle, she’s all for marriage equality and today she gave same-sex marriage the royal stamp of approval! Let them eat cock and cooch!
The NYDN says that yesterday Parliament said “YAAASSSS!” to a bill that makes marriage legal for everyone in England and Wales. Getting THE QUEEN’s royal approval was just a formality and they wanted to give her a reason to dress her Corgis up like rainbows.
Starting next summer, everybody in England and Wales will be able to get married in a civil and/or religious ceremony. England and Wales already allowed civil partnerships, so any couple that wants to add a layer of doom to their relationship can convert their civil partnership to marriage.
“Why is that flying Kraken carrying a baby in a blanket in its mouth and why is it flying toward Los Angeles?”
Morrissey’s favorite family (sans Prince Philip who’s laid up in a hospital bed) all sprayed their crotches with their finest smelling perfume and put on their fanciest daytime ensembles to celebrate the birthday of the British sovereign at the Trooping the Colour Parade in London today. The parade is also known as THE QUEEN’S Birthday Parade. THE QUEEN’S 72nd annual quinceañera (aka 87th birthday) was actually in April, but she’s THE QUEEN! She can have as many birthday celebration as she wants! (Cut to Morrissey’s anal glands exploding rage juice.) After the parade, the royal family and Camilla all got on the balcony and waved at their subjects. Then afterward, they all went down into the rec room of Buckingham Palace to get drunk on gin from Bargain Booze as Prince Hot Ginge played naked billiards with himself in the corner. Just like my abuelita did at her birthday parties, THE QUEEN cut herself a corner piece of sheet cake and went to her room to watch her stories by herself in peace.
The Daily Mail says that Duchess Kate made her last public appearance before she births out Queen Harryetta Diana (or King Harry Di if it’s a boy). Yes, THIS is what Duchess Kate chose to wear to her last public appearance. That ugly hat looks like it’s shitting out a bunch of pink ribbons. It’s like an Easter nightmare exploded all of her body. How dreadful. And I kind of hope Duchess Kate gives birth in the next couple of days and I hope her baby has a full head of ginger locks and really loves vodka. Because that would mean that Prince Hot Ginge is the father, which would mean that Kate’s face and his face would be on the cover of every magazine instead of Kim’s face. We deserve that.
I know, here we were all thinking that the British royals aren’t allowed to ever take their clothes off and always wear nipple-to-ankle underwear with cut-out crotch holes for peein’ and matin’ and that’s it, but nope. Seeing Prince Hot Ginge’s glorious undercooked pancake ass cheeks, Prince Philip’s censored Loch Ness crotch monster and Prince William’s NSFW peen busby taught us that the British royals can get nekkid. And now it’s Duchess Kate’s turn to join the club.
While Duchess Kate sunbathed with her nipples out on a private estate in France, some pap hung upside down from a tree 200 yards away, stuck his 50 foot lens on a potato camera and took blurry pictures of her half-nakedness. Since the British media will be flogged 25 times in the mouth with The Queen’s pocketbook if they expose the royal nipples, they declined buying the pics from the pap, so the pap sold them to the French tabloid Closer. The British royal family is disgusted this morning and not because they just watched Camilla slurp cooked oatmeal out of her feedbag while Prince Charles polished her toes with his tongue (a trick he learned from Fergie). They’re disgusted because Duchess Kate’s privacy was invaded and the BBC says they’re considering throwing a lawsuit at the pap and Closer. Closer’s editor defended publishing the exclusivité pictures by saying this:
“These photos are not in the least shocking. They show a young woman sunbathing topless, like the millions of women you see on beaches. What we saw in the pictures was a young couple that have just got married, who are in love, who are beautiful. She’s a princess of the 21st Century. They [the couple] are on the terrace of a mansion in the south of France which is not far from a road along which cars pass without any problem. They are visible from the street.”
Egotastic has a lot of the pictures and there’s really nothing scandalous about them. Yes, Duchess Kate has nipples, but you can barely tell that they’re nipples. If you told me Duchess Kate and Prince William were playing a strange British royal game where they have to balance extra large Hershey Kisses on their chests and she’s in the lead, I’d believe you. And don’t think we’re going to see THE QUEEN’S nips anytime soon. Right after these pictures went public, QEII called Kate up and said, “Dumb trollop, this is why I always wear union jack pasties. I’ll send you a pair.“
And here’s Prince Willy and Duchess Kate at a mosque in Malaysia this morning. The woman throwing a “BEHOLD! The royal nipples!” look is giving me life.
If you’re a member of the British royal family and The Queen doesn’t beat you with a pocketbook full of bricks for going pants-off wild in Las Vegas, then you really didn’t go for enough. So Prince Hot Ginge should give himself a pat on the taint (and he should do it naked…. in his VIP suite at the Wynn… in front of a bunch of sluts with iPhones who will sell the pictures to TMZ) for a job well done, because apparently the royal family isn’t happy that he has dirtied up their pristine, proper image with his filthy hot ginger nipples. (Note: Will somebody please tell the royal family that their pristine image was already smeared with a Prince Charles-faced tampon.)
One source tells UsWeekly that Prince William is “not impressed” (read: jealous, because nobody wants to see his shit), and not only is PHG in trouble, but so are his royal guards for not throwing themselves on his naked body when somebody pulled an iPhone out. The Guardian says that Clarence House confirmed that the pictures are of PHG. (Note: That sound is me sighing with relief, because it’s been confirmed that I did NOT twist my nipples last night to pictures I thought were of PHG, but were actually grainy pictures of a shaved ginger alley cat humping a Chinese Crested dog in a motel conference room.) The Guardian also says that Clarence House told the British media to respect PHG’s privacy by not republishing the pictures. If a British publication publishes any of the pictures, Clarence House might report them to the Press Complaints Commission. As of this morning, the BBC, The Sun and The Daily Mail all wrote about the story, but kept the pictures off of their sites.
Let’s set aside all the jokes about how I nearly had to call Sun Jifa with my nose after almost fapping my hands off to those PHG pictures last night. This is a serious matter! PHG should be punished, because he has a duty to represent the British royal family with class, dignity and grace. I’ve done my research and the official scroll of British royal rules, or whatever, clearly states: Any member of the immediate British royal family (besides Prince Charles, Camilla, The Queen, Prince William, Duchess Kate and anybody else other than Prince Hot Ginge) who gets caught with all of his panties off must immediately be taken to the town square, disrobed and flogged twelve times with a union jack dildo. Those are the rules, so bring on the flagellation! If you read that as “bring on the fagellation,” that works too!
Princess Beatrice’s 11-year-old Norfolk terrier Max is laid up in the Royal infirmary with a jacked up ear and shank marks on his face, because he was straight jumped by The Queen’s gang of not-the-one Corgis. Yeah, go ahead and add “The Queen’s Corgis” under the Crips and the Bloods on the list of gangs not to fuck around with.
The Telegraph says that during a walk through The Queen’s castle in Scotland, her six Corgis got “overexcited” when Max joined their group and attacked his ass. The Queen’s dog boy (not to be confused with Camilla) tried to break those bitches up, but it was too late and Max was left yelping in pain like the time he walked in on Prince Charles fresh out of the shower. Cut to the source:
“The Queen’s dog boy was taking the corgis for a walk and they were joined by the Norfolk terriers, which came with Prince Andrew. They were being taken along the long corridor leading to the Tower Door before being let into the grounds for a walk, and they all became overexcited. They began fighting among themselves and unfortunately the dog boy lost control. The next thing we knew there were horrific yelps and screams and it seems the corgis picked on Max. He was very badly injured and had to be taken to the local vet. There was blood everywhere.
The Queen and the Duke were very upset when they were told but the dog is really Beatrice’s and she wasn’t there either. She later came up to Scotland and has been looking after Max. He was very lucky to survive. I heard the Princess was very upset because another of her Norfolk terriers, Millie, died from natural causes just a week or so before.”
Because this source uses the word “overexcited,” it sounds like those nasty Corgis got lipstick, tried to get sexy with Max and when Max let them know he doesn’t like them like that, they roughed a poor bitch up. And this source needs to stop lying for The Queen, because you know she was there. The Queen is not going to miss a good brawl. She was probably there hollerin’ at her Corgis like, “Whoop that trick, ese!“
Poor Max, but I’m sure Princess Bea will defend his honor. Those bitchy Corgis think they got the last bite, but they’re wrong. Never mess with a Princess who can leave a bite mark on your face just by flinching at you while flaring her giant Chiclet teeth.
I know, you’re just here for the Corgis.
At tonight’s Opening Ceremony for the 2012 Olympics (or as I know them as, the 2012 Athlete Bulge Watch), London shot their biggest load by putting THE QUEEN (you should curtsy at your keyboard while reading that) and James Bond together in the same room. I expected Helen Mirren in THE QUEEN drag to turn around when Bond came sashaying in, but it was the actual Queen and she had a line and everything. I hope this leads to The Queen starring in the next Bond movies as a villainess who beats him with her pocket book.
I haven’t finished watching all of the Opening Ceremony, but I’m assuming that instead of fireworks, a naked Prince Hot Ginge came out and did jumping jacks. And I’m also assuming that the musical entertainment was Pete Doherty letting out his crack yodel while Harvey Price backed him up on the tambourine. Oh, and England’s official ambassador of beauty Jodie Marsh lit the Olympic cauldron, right? Am I right? I’m totally right.
I was going to title that picture “Royal Sword Fight,” but that’s just wrong and I don’t want to think that Prince Hot Ginge partakes in waterfront incest.
Queen Elizabeth II’s weekend Diamond Jubilee celebrations (aka Hail To The British Thug Misses) continued today in London when the royal family kept with tradition by getting on a boat decorated with Prince Hot Ginge’s shellacked pubes (that’s what that gold stuff is right?) and waved to their subjects as the Queen dipped into her pocketbook and threw raw diamonds (bought with taxpayer money) at her people. It’s the Queen’s way of giving back. It’s kind of like when you bought your mom’s a Mother’s Day gift with her money. It’s like that. No, she didn’t do that, but she did throw them her smile and that’s worth so much more than a pile of diamonds.
If you don’t know what the Diamond Jubilee is, it’s a celebration to mark the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign or some shit. In America, we also have a jubilee celebration to honor our queen. We call it Barry Manilow’s birthday.
For today’s Jubilee River Pageant (I can’t believe that’s a real thing that exists) down the Thames, The Queen wore her favorite bedazzled church suit. PHG, Prince William and Prince Phillip wore the finest prince costumes found in Disneyland’s costume closet, Camilla wore whothefuckcares and Duchess Kate kept it understated in red. Because nothing says “We all know who these bitches are really here to see!” like head-to-knee red.
So far I’m totally disappointed with this Diamond Jubilee celebration. Diamond Jubilee sounds like the gayest thing ever and it’s not living up to its name. When is the event where PHG comes out on stage and shakes his pecs while covered in nothing but body glitter and strategically placed rhinestones (a rhinestone covered peen is not considered indecent for public viewing as long as most of the head is covered)? That better be the highlight of Tuesday’s ceremony.