Donald and Melania Trump’s summer travel plans are taking shape and they will include a long-delayed state visit to London in June. The Washington Post reports that the customary stay at Buckingham Palace during the 3-day visit will not be extended to the couple, even though the Obamas and George W. Bush were hosted there. THE QUEEN has bigger balls than I do when it comes to house guests. The last time my mother-in-law came to visit, I considered several elaborate ruses to avoid having her stay with us, but lost my nerve as I was contemplating buying a jar of bedbugs off of eBay. But The Queen don’t give a fwuck. Suddenly, Buckingham Palace is “undergoing renovations” so they can’t stay there. I see you Lizzy. Well played, Your Highness.
So The Daily Mail is dragging Duchess Meghan today, because they say Our Pretty Little Royal Pony has decided to use her own lady gynecologist instead of old dude royal gynecologists that I guess every pregnant royal, including Duchess Kate, THE QUEEN and Anne Boleyn have used to yank the royal babies out of their royal vagines. And just like that, the Duchess Meghan Is Faking Her Pregnancy truthers got some more ammunition.
We all remember the dramatic rumor about how Duchess Meghan, who was just Meghan Markle then, threw a fit over not being able to wear the tiara of her choice on her wedding day. Meghan was apparently such a Bridezilla-approved disaster that THE QUEEN had to pull Prince Hot Ginge to the side and let him know to check his bitch. Yes, those were THE QUEEN’s exact words. The Sun claimed today that because of that little incident and how Duchess Meghan has reportedly been treating the staff, THE QUEEN sent her a Zales charge card application since she’d need to buy her own diamonds now that she’s banned from wearing Princess Diana’s pieces from the Royal Collection. But other sources claim that the British tabloids are just being bitchy liars.
We all know the staffers at Buckingham Palace go into cardiac arrest when Duchess Meghan does EVIL and the CRUELEST of things like send emails at dawn and wear dark nail polish, so when she had a star-studded lavish New York City baby shower – something not exactly common in England let alone with the royal family – it was only a matter of time before someone started clucking the tongue about how she really set back the forward-thinking ways of a country that somehow thinks holding onto a royal family is a good idea to spend tax dollars. THE QUEEN’s former spokesperson, Dickie Arbiter, at least had the cajones to go on the record publicly and say he thought the baby shower was over the top.
Duchess Kate officially became a member of the royal family in 2011 after what felt like CENTURIES of her fingers getting callouses on them from holding onto the last step on the ladder while waiting for Prince William to finally put Princess Diana’s ring on it. Duchess Kate fulfilled one of her job requirements by birthing out the future King of England, but for some reason, she’s apparently never done a one-on-one public event with THE QUEEN until today. I was going to say that Kate and THE QUEEN have probably had a few “girls nights” together, but Kate’s idea of a wild night is sipping white wine spritzers while brushing each other’s hair as a PG-13 rom-com plays on the TV, and THE QUEEN would rather do shots with the guards.
Since Prince Hot Ginge is in the mood to split things, he should split these cheeks. And just like that, I earned another ten years on my restraining order.
Last October, the rumors of Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan’s feud with Prince William and Duchess Kate started when we all learned that they were splitting up offices. That filled our head with the image of Meghan and Kate fighting over the last Yoplait in the refrigerator and PHG passively aggressively taping a note that read, “This is not YOUR house. I am not YOUR maid. Clean after yourself!,” onto a cabinet in the break room after Kate and William didn’t wash their dishes. And after months of rumors about things between PHG and Willy being tenser than a bodyguard’s butthole whenever Prince Philip took the wheel, it was reported in February that the split of their households was going to happen very soon. Today is that “very soon,” because THE QUEEN has taken a royal machete to their joint court and split that bitch up.