Prince Hot Ginge once allegedly told a gay dude that he’d give him a call if he “changes his mind about women,” and I remember that quote as though I just read it 2 minutes ago, because I did just read it 2 minutes ago. It’s tattooed over my right nipple so I read it while giving myself a quickie whore bath in the sink this morning. So PHG would obviously be my first choice for the first British royal to grace the cover of a gay magazine. THE QUEEN in Dame Edna drag would be my second choice. Prince William would probably be my 5th choice after the fallen Duchess Fergie in a rainbow flag and all of THE QUEEN’s Corgis, but I’ll gladly take it.
Today is the 95th birthday of Prince Philip, the British royal family’s messiest old coot, so everyone in England should be celebrating his special day by airing out their huevos or chochas in a kilt while offending people and cursing tricks out. But that’s not happening, because everyone is too busy celebrating the anniversary of THE QUEEN’s born day again. Prince Hot Ginge’s abuelita turned 90 in April, but when you come out of a royal cooch with a tiara on your head, you get two birthday celebrations.
Yesterday the TSA sent me a letter saying that I was put on the Do Not Fly To Florida list, and that could only mean one thing: The Invictus Games begin next week in Orlando, FL and Prince Hot Ginge will be there!
The Invictus Games were started by PHG, and they’re a Paralympic-style sporting event involving a bunch of countries. Since it’s happening in the US this year, Michelle Obama has been helping to promote it, and this morning, she tweeted a video of message and her and President Obama pretty much puffing their chests up at PHG. (Michelle Obama also showed off her impeccable teleprompter-reading skills in that video.) PHG answered back with help from THE QUEEN! THE QUEEN spit out a verbal eye roll at the Obamas’ threat and that was PHG’s cue to drop the mic. I’m jealous of the Obamas, because I wish PHG would drop his mic on me, and yes, that’s a euphemism.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) April 29, 2016
I bet that clip was highly edited. I bet that in the raw footage, THE QUEEN takes off her earrings, kicks off her shoes and goes after the phone while swinging her pocketbook as PHG and her Corgis try to hold her back. Don’t come for THE QUEEN unless she sends for you!
And here’s PHG making chonies go BOOM while working a tuxedo at the BT Sports Industry Awards in London last night.
In case you didn’t already know, today is THE QUEEN’s 90th birthday. If I was THE QUEEN and it was my birthday, and I was turning 90, I’d spend the whole day spread out like a starfish on the comfiest couch at Buckingham Palace in my best muumuu, watching whatever the British equivalent of Family Feud is, and holler at my lady-in-waiting to top up my teacup with earl grey-flavored vodka. But since THE QUEEN is THE QUEEN for a reason, she did what she always does.
Queen Elizabeth II got all dolled up in her 90th birthday best and strolled around waving to her subjects with the top-tier members of her crew, Prince Philip and her pocketbook. Apparently Queen Elizabeth’s version of birthday best is a long green coat, some sensible shoes, and a hat that looks like it was made during a cake decorating class at Michaels. Speaking of cakes, some random person in the crowd made her a birthday cake with a corgi on it. I doubt that’s a picture of one of her corgis, and I highly doubt she ate it. But it’s nice to see that at least one corgi showed up for her birthday.
I don’t know what better thing THE QUEEN’s corgis had to do today, but surely it wasn’t more important than celebrating the 90th birthday of their pack leader. Maybe they’re still sore that she passed over them and gave the 4th stamp to Prince George. Those ungrateful little furry footstools. No hand-carved royal roast for you tonight.
Other than the walk and wave, The Queen also attended a beacon lighting ceremony. Wait, that’s it? A 90th birthday merits a little more razzle dazzle than that. Thankfully the day isn’t over yet. There’s still time to round up a bunch of male strippers and mark her birthday with a 21-buns salute.
King and Queen of all things grumpy, hateful and bitter, Morrissey, is possibly considering running for mayor of London. Don’t tell him I called him King and Queen because you know how he feels about the monarchy, but I cannot tell a lie and that is what he is. His kingdom, unlike the Queen’s, is all eyeliner emo kids eating vegan snackpacks while they cry about their hair straighteners not working or something and soon, that very well could become part of the Queen’s kingdom.
At 5:30pm British time today, Morrissey will quietly go into his closet, put on a paper crown, turn off the light and softly play “God Save The Queen” on a kazoo before squeeing with joy. (You know he’s a closet royal lovah.) Because at that time, THE QUEEN will become the longest-reigning monarch in UK history. As the tricks on Twitter say, when will your fave be born into monarchy, become queen and live long enough to break records without even trying?!