Since Prince Hot Ginge wants nothing to do with the crown, I should remove it from my homomade (on purpose typo) PHG Real Doll during our “dates.” You know, to make the experience oh-so-realistic.
PHG did a long interview with Newsweek and he mostly talked about his charity stuff, but he also talked about how losing his mom at a young age really fucked with him, and he gave his thoughts about the future of the monarchy. He didn’t talk about Meghan Markle, but a “source” did and said that things are still new between them and if they get engaged, it won’t happen before the end of the year.
PHG says that his mom wanted him and his brother to live as normal of a life as possible, so he does his own grocery shopping and buys his own meat (wink win), but he also knows that he’s a prince and believes that his country and beyond still needs the magic of the monarchy.
Princess Charlotte could be in the process of covering her nose after smelling a royal fart (that was dealt by Princess Beatrice, her face is an ocean of fart guilt), but I’m pretty sure she’s sneezing, which could mean she was sick, which could mean she passed something to her great-granddaddy. See, this is why I instantly turn into Julianne Moore from Safe when a child near me so much as gets the sniffles.
In London right now, it’s apparently hotter and wetter than a b-hole exposed to shirtless pictures of Prince Hot Ginge. So a waterfall of sweat may be pouring out of your armpits just from looking at Prince William and Duchess Kate in stuffy clothes at Royal Ascot today, but fear not. I’m sure they wore frozen bloomers and nipple pasties, and mini air conditioning units were hiding under their hats. And if one droplet of sweat formed on their royal foreheads, the race would’ve been put on hold, and as the horses and jockeys slowly died of heatstroke while waiting on the track, Prince William and Duchess Kate would’ve cooled off in an air conditioned tent. So don’t sweat for them!
Today was day
two one of the Royal Ascot horse races and it brought out THE QUEEN and the royals who don’t really matter (read: the royals not named Prince Hot Ginge). Prince William and Duchess Kate wore stunning ensembles borrowed from a low-budget community theater production of My Fair Lady, and I’d like to think that at one point, DK screamed, “Move your bloomin’ arse,” at the horse she bet on.
Whenever I think of Royal Ascot, I think of Ladies Day (aka Refined Blossoms Day), so I was hoping to see pictures of a drunken Duchess Kate humping a trash can as a drunken THE QUEEN spanked her with a pocketbook. The closest I got to that was Duchess Kate nearly grabbing the Countess of Wessex’s chichis to stop her from falling.
— Kelly Mathews (@allthingsregal) June 20, 2017
Prince Philip was there and I don’t even want to know what he groaned out while watching that Countess-On-Duchess action.
I see the truth now… That emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace that THE QUEEN called at the last minute wasn’t about Prince Philip retiring his ribbon-cutting hand. That was just a cover-up. THE QUEEN summoned all of her staff to her throne room to warn them about a visit from a member of the Death Eaters.
That Dramatic Emergency Meeting At Buckingham Palace Turned Out To Be About Prince Philip’s Retirement From Doing Public Stuff
If you’re like me, then you were probably cursing Twitter every time you got up in the middle of the night to look at your phone to see if Prince Philip died, or if one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis betrayed her by enlisting in Morrissey’s anti-royal brigade, or if Prince Hot Ginge dumped Meghan Markle and declared that he can no longer fight the fact that he’s a ginger gay whose type is skinny fat American dude bloggers with shit for brains.
The Daily Mail was the first to plant the seeds that caused Twitter to instantly grow a field of wild speculation. Before I went to bed last night, they reported that THE QUEEN had summoned her entire household from across the land to a mysterious emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace. Now, I love a good dramatic emergency meeting. It’s very Illuminati-esque. But not one that starts in the morning (London time)! Twitter burped up all kinds of speculation from the French media saying that Prince Philip had died to THE QUEEN announcing that she’s giving up the throne to Prince Hot Ginge announcing his engagement to an ex-blogger/basic cable TV star. Many said that the BBC would make an announcement about the emergency meeting at 8am London time. Apparently, it’s protocol for the BBC to make announcements about royal deaths at 8am. I tried to stay up for the earth-shattering news, but my eyelids wouldn’t let me. Finally at around 2 in the morning (PST), I checked my phone and learned that the big dramatic announcement was 95-year-old Prince Philip deciding that he’s too old to cut ribbons at events. Prince Philip is retiring from doing public events. That was the announcement. Damn that sneaky old coot for fucking with my sleep like that. He’s good.
Everyone keeps saying that Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle are going to get engaged by the end of the summer, and no, that high-pitched wail that just stabbed your eardrums wasn’t from me loudly crying while thinking about the day that I’ll watch my beautiful(ly delusional) dreams go up in flames as I burn the assless cropped tuxedo I was planning to wear during my wedding to PHG.
If Meghan Markle becomes Duchess Meghan, she’ll be way too busy waving and smiling alongside Duchess Kate at the opening of whatever to do acting stuff. But a source tells E! News that Meghan would’ve probably quit acting even if she wasn’t with PHG. Uh huh…