Category: THE QUEEN

That Dramatic Emergency Meeting At Buckingham Palace Turned Out To Be About Prince Philip’s Retirement From Doing Public Stuff

May 4, 2017 / Posted by:

If you’re like me, then you were probably cursing Twitter every time you got up in the middle of the night to look at your phone to see if Prince Philip died, or if one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis betrayed her by enlisting in Morrissey’s anti-royal brigade, or if Prince Hot Ginge dumped Meghan Markle and declared that he can no longer fight the fact that he’s a ginger gay whose type is skinny fat American dude bloggers with shit for brains.

The Daily Mail was the first to plant the seeds that caused Twitter to instantly grow a field of wild speculation. Before I went to bed last night, they reported that THE QUEEN had summoned her entire household from across the land to a mysterious emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace. Now, I love a good dramatic emergency meeting. It’s very Illuminati-esque. But not one that starts in the morning (London time)! Twitter burped up all kinds of speculation from the French media saying that Prince Philip had died to THE QUEEN announcing that she’s giving up the throne to Prince Hot Ginge announcing his engagement to an ex-blogger/basic cable TV star. Many said that the BBC would make an announcement about the emergency meeting at 8am London time. Apparently, it’s protocol for the BBC to make announcements about royal deaths at 8am. I tried to stay up for the earth-shattering news, but my eyelids wouldn’t let me. Finally at around 2 in the morning (PST), I checked my phone and learned that the big dramatic announcement was 95-year-old Prince Philip deciding that he’s too old to cut ribbons at events. Prince Philip is retiring from doing public events. That was the announcement. Damn that sneaky old coot for fucking with my sleep like that. He’s good.

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Meghan Markle May Quit Acting Soon Because Duh

March 21, 2017 / Posted by:

Everyone keeps saying that Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle are going to get engaged by the end of the summer, and no, that high-pitched wail that just stabbed your eardrums wasn’t from me loudly crying while thinking about the day that I’ll watch my beautiful(ly delusional) dreams go up in flames as I burn the assless cropped tuxedo I was planning to wear during my wedding to PHG.

If Meghan Markle becomes Duchess Meghan, she’ll be way too busy waving and smiling alongside Duchess Kate at the opening of whatever to do acting stuff. But a source tells E! News that Meghan would’ve probably quit acting even if she wasn’t with PHG. Uh huh…

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Today’s Theme Is: Kids Gone Wild!

March 10, 2017 / Posted by:

Bitch, that’s the theme of my day every day, all day.” – every parent

Children acting a wreck is something that happens every millisecond in this world (and usually the messiness comes from mega brats Justin Bieber or Donald Trump), but today I’m bringing you two cases (and a bonus) of kids fucking shit up. One incident of a kid going wild happened in front of THE QUEEN and another went down during a super serious interview about the impeachment of South Korea’s president. And in all cases, I’m siding 100% with the kid.

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Meghan Markle Met Duchess Kate

January 16, 2017 / Posted by:

The Sunday Express has never lied to us (and by that I mean that the one time I posted a story from The Sunday Express, it turned out to be filled with LIES), so I don’t know what to believe anymore. They said months ago that Prince Hot Ginge’s full-time piece Meghan Markle had met up with Prince William and Duchess Kate and they both liked her. But now UsWeekly and The Sun are saying that Future Princess Meghan barely met Duchess Kate for the very first time last Tuesday. WHO TO BELIEVE? I won’t believe that Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle met for real until I see paparazzi pictures of Kate seeing if Meghan is ready for the job of a professional British royal by analyzing her hand-waving skills.

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THE QUEEN Almost Got Shot At By A Guard!

January 5, 2017 / Posted by:

None of the guards above are the one who almost shot Queen Elizabeth II. If you want to see a current picture of the bastard who almost shot THE QUEEN, here you go:

guardsshotthequeen

No, like THE QUEEN would really let that motherfucker be buried in a cemetery with a tombstone and everything. No, surprisingly, he’s still alive and was able to tell the story of the time he nearly took THE QUEEN out and put the crown on Prince Charles’ head.

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