Yes, the baby Jesus was born just so those Kartrashian whores could pose in a dark-sided UNGODLY Khristmas Kard that’s sold exclusively in the back room of a Hallmark in the darkest part of the Ninth Circle. If you need a quick response to this bukkake of fuckery disaster, just look at that Mason kid. His body language speaks for all of us.
If Satan swallowed a Las Vegas landfill whole then diarrhea’d into the mouth of Photoshop, and if Photoshop then gorged on copies of Blade Runner and a bunch of tabloids before shitting onto a pile of broken neon signs, the end product would be more attractive and festive than the Kardashian Khristmas Kard. On last night’s not-so-special episode of the Illuminati documentary Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian brought David LaChapelle in to shoot the annual family holiday card. David didn’t want any dudes or children in the picture, because dudes and children didn’t fit in with his vision. But after the slow one drooled out a lukewarm stream of complaints about her kids not being in the picture, David agreed to shoot Mason and Penelope. David also bent the “no dudes” rule a little by letting Khloe pose in the picture.
I’d like to think that David LaChapelle is just screwing with them and they’re too stupid to figure it out. Because this is a glorious mess of symbolism from the ATM behind Kourtney to Bruce Jenner (looking like Patti Smith after surviving a meth lab explosion) trapped in a glass tube for eternity. David truly captured essence of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and PMK, and by that I mean he made them look like the fake pieces of trash they are.
And no, Kanye wasn’t physically in the picture, but I see him everywhere. This is what the skid marks on the inside of his leather panties look like.
When Kim Kartrashian birthed out the next generation of fame whores 5 weeks early, I just figured that she induced really early into the summer because she wanted to get all her fat sucked out in time for staged bikini photo-op season. But a source (yes, let’s just nod and pretend like the source isn’t Pimp Mama Kris) tells People that Kim had complications and that’s why she popped out the Kimye baby prematurely. The source also says that Kaptain Krunch Kardashian West came into the world 3 weeks early and not 5 weeks early as previously reported. Yes, this matters (no, it doesn’t).
Sources in Kim’s tight circle (Note to People: None of Kim’s circles are tight) say that Kim was admitted into Cedars-Sinai on June 14th due to complications. Kanye West had just came back from whoring out Yeezus in Europe and immediately ran to Kim’s side (read: took a leisurely ride from the airport to his mansion, spent a couple of hours picking out the perfect leather pants to wear in the waiting room, powdered his b-hole and tried to remember Kim’s name before finally going to the hospital). The sources say that Kim was about 37 weeks pregnant when she went into labor and she gave birth to the 5lb Illuminati golden child naturally. Kim and Kanye’s kid is still in an incubator at the hospital, but is doing fine. Well, as fine as a baby can be when Pimp Memaw Kris is shoving E!’s cameras in her faces and measuring her body for the monokini she’ll wear for her public unveiling on the first episode of KRIS!.
Everything I know about pregnancy I learned from I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, so correct me if I’m the opposite of right, but isn’t 37 weeks considered full term? But then again, I’m pretty sure that the gestation period of the spawn of a gay fish and a factory-defected Real Doll is about 40 weeks, so maybe she really was premature. As for the name, Media TakeOut says they named their kid “Kaidence Donda West” and Hollywood Life says they’re naming her “Kai Georgia Donda West.” I say NO to both of those names. Since Kanye is obviously going to put his mother’s name somewhere in his daughter’s name, they should name her Donda Esta Ellos Kardashian West. I mean “Donda Esta Ellos?” is the question that the poor child will be asking her nannies every time her parents abandon her, which will be all the time.
And here’s PMK bonding with her middle shelf hos during a little family photo-op in Calabasas yesterday.
So now after reading that headline, you’re not only Kartrashian intolerant, but you’re lactose intolerant too.
On the next episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle of Hell, Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami, Kim tells the slow one that she read online that some people use breast milk as a home remedy for psoriasis and ever since she’s been pouring tit leche out of the bottle onto her spots, it’s helped them a little bit. So, of course, since Kim and Kourtney are always up for making fetish porn, the slow one whips her tit out and dribbles milk all over Kim’s leg. Kim starts screaming “EWW! EWWW!,” which summoned a dozen bitch-pleases from my mouth. I mean, so suddenly Kim is grossed out by somebody squirting their bodily fluids onto her body in front of a camera for attention? Bitch would’ve never been famous if it wasn’t for somebody shooting a milky substance onto her body. How quickly the fame whores forget.
Then Kim says to Kourtney, “That is so disgusting that you can just squeeze that and have that come out.” I say that every time Kim squeezes a “thought” out of her brain. And I guess this means that Kanye will have to breastfeed the Illuminati’s golden child. I hope their kid likes the taste of fish milk.
And here’s Kim looking like a water buffalo eating a swan while shopping in Paris with Gay Fish.
Because Khloe Kardashian was busy hunting the woods for wart hogs to sacrifice to her kreator and Scott Disick was busy douching out his b-hole with Drakkar Noir, they both had to be Photoshopped into the Kardashian’s annual assault on the holidays. Nothing says “family togetherness” like being Photoshopped into your family Christmas card. Last year’s theme was “A Bunch of Plastic Tits,” the year before’s theme was “Konstipated Ghouls” and this year’s theme must be “Tampon Ads in Hell” or “Devils in White.”
When you go to the afterworld and step out of the elevator, not knowing if it went up or down, and see this image before, don’t be fooled by all the happiness and white. If you look closely, you’ll see their dead souls and dead eyes. You’re not in heaven, you’re in the bottom bowels of Hell. You were tricked! I really don’t know what’s more hilarious, Kim’s Predator hair, Scott’s amateur Barbizon pose or Bruce Jenner looking like a late-in-life lesbian at a beachside commitment ceremony (read: Bruce has never looked hotter). Kanye Kardashian isn’t there, but it was nice of the family to pay homage to him by dressing up like maxi-pads and tampons.
And poor Mercy (RIP), even all the Photoshop in the world couldn’t wipe away her permanent miseryface:
But kudos to the photographer for making the entire family look happy by screaming out, “SAY MONAY!”
It’s the end of the year so all the whores in Pimp Mama Kris’ stable are working hard to meet their yearly quota of photo-ops. So that’s why Scott IsADick and the slow Kardashian, wearing Mrs. Roper’s old lounging pants, took their two kids to the beach for a little bonding time with the paps. No, I won’t judge your gross, shameless ass for staring hard to see if you can make out Scott’s peen print. I will let the Sky God judge you for that since lusting after one of his enemy’s whores is a sin!
Scott Disick is wearing an eye patch now, because he made the mistake of walking into the Kartrashian family kitchen one day completely sober and without tinted safety goggles on. Bruce Jenner was there and it’s natural human instinct to stab yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after seeing Bruce Jenner’s face first thing in the morning. It happens. So that’s why Scott is wearing an eye patch and since he’s fancy, he had it monogrammed. But what does “LD” stand for? Here’s some of my guesses:
– Lord Douchebag
– Little Dick
– Loves Dingleberries
– Living Diaper
– Lucifer’s Darling
– Licks DaButt
And on and on and on… I can do that all day. And you know what Penelope can do all day? Throw her mom a side-eye for putting that scarf or pillowcase (or whatever) on her head.
Hillary Clinton can cancel her trip to the Middle East, because future Secretary of State Kim Kartrashian is on her way there (sort of, not really) and will make everything better.
A few days ago, Pimp Mama Kris’ prized pig got a bunch of death threats after she tweeted her support for Israel, and later Palestine, while not knowing what in the hell she was talking about. Kim is going to Kuwait and Bahrain to show her plastic face at the openings of several Millions of Milkshakes and while she’s there she plans to get educumacateded on the conflict in the Middle East.
A source tells TMZ that Kim has already set up meetings with local leaders, because “she wants to be as informed as possible … so she can use her celebrity to help those in need and raise awareness about important issues in the area.”
Oh, to be a fly on Kim’s ass when the local leaders try to keep her attention by acting out the history of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict using dick puppets. I mean, Kim Kuntrashian is not one to look away from dick puppets. You know, I’ll give Kim a break this time. Bitch is so dumb that I’m surprised she didn’t go to the Morocco Pavilion at Epcot Center to try to learn about the conflict between Israel and Palestine. (“She already did.” – a cast member at the Morocco Pavilion)
Here’s Kim and the slower one getting the Key to Miami at some ceremony the other day. When Kim’s off trying to bring peace to the Middle East, Miami should change the locks.