Ke$ha Looks Good… Does That Mean The World Is Going To End Any Second Now?

I didn’t think this moment would ever come, but it has. I’m staring at a picture of Ke$hit and I’m not pinching my nose while holding my breath so that her dumpster water stank doesn’t waft up into my body. It’s truly amazing what a quarantine tent, a sandblasting, a RAID shower and a renovation from the Property Brothers can do. Ke$hit showed up to the American Music Awards and for once she didn’t look like she just crawled out from under a heap of rotten fish at the landfill. Yes, Ke$hit would barely come in 9th place on RuPaul’s Drag Race and her dress looks like a nana’s shower curtain, but she looks clean-ish and she’s the fanciest looking linebacker I’ve ever seen.

And did Ke$ha’s crotch crabs crawl up to her ear? Even they dressed up and bedazzled themselves for the occasion. When Ke$ha and her crotch crabs look fancy, we know that EVERYTHING has changed.

Behold, The Brazilian Phoebe Price

While most celebrities only tweeted “thoughts and prayers” to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, Brazilian model/actress/reality thing Nana Gouvêa actually got off of her ass and did something to help the people of Manhattan. Nana and her husband moved from Brazil to NYC, because the international fashion world needed an international supermodel like her. The morning after the hurricane hit, Nana put the skills she learned at São Paulo’s Phoebe Price School Of Posing With Inanimate Objects to good use by starring in her own “Fame Whore Amongst the Destruction” photo shoot. The people around her were grateful, because for a second they stopped worrying about not having fucking electricity so they could roll an eye at her.

You might see a car that was destroyed by a falling tree, but Nana sees a posing playground. You might see destruction and ruined lives, but Nana sees the perfect backdrop for an American Apparel photo shoot. Nana really does have a gift, because notice how her dead eyes match the eery emptiness of the city. The lights aren’t only off in lower Manhattan, they’re off in Nana’s head too.

Nana has already been declared a hero of Hurricane Sandy and Mayor Bloomberg will give her the key to the city (aka deportation papers) at a special ceremony next week. Nana’s photo shoot has since gone viral and someone started a priceless Tumblr devoted to her posing in the middle of other disasters.

And that booming sound you hear is Tyra Banks banging her infinityhead against the wall, because she’s mad at herself for not coming up with this shit. Once Tyra gets over that, I’m sure she’ll hire Nana to be the new creative director on America’s Next Top Model.

Louie De Palma Gets Chicks

Speak of the devil. I just mentioned the Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman divorce at the end of the Courtney and Doug write-up, and then MK lands this little nugget in my inbox. So, nobody could possibly have guessed this, but the reason for their breakup is rumored to be a scorching case of wandering peen. That’s a pretty common thread in breakups and I thought that might be it for a split second, but then I remembered it’s Danny Devito and felt stupid. I mean who besides Rhea wants to get all up (or down really, unless you fail the “have to be this tall to ride” challenge) on that? Just look at his luscious little self up there with his strong broad shoulders, luxurious mane and the finest in footwear and tell me you wouldn’t.

So in an exclusive, Radar.online lays out the whole sordid mess. Basically they say Danny’s been an extra fucker since at least his Hoffa days, and he would promise to make these young dumb girls famous (spoiler: he didn’t) if they would hop on his Wee Willie Winky (spoiler: they did). I don’t know who is more disgusting, Danny for preying on these starry eyed hoes – who get extra points for doing the gold digging equivalent of the food challenge on Survivor – or the girls for pretending to be all into and humping on an old married gherkin for nothing. How completely embarrassing. And then there’s poor Rhea over there, actually caring about this fool.

The anonymous source says that it was pretty obvious and common knowledge about what was going down (dramatic pause) on the Hoffa set and everyone felt sorry for Rhea, who was doubly humiliated because 1) her husband was openly cheating on her and 2) she was already famous when she started fucking on him so she had no excuse. Bummer.

Seth MacFarlane Is Hosting The Oscars

This is happening, according to this real press release from Deadline:

Seth MacFarlane will host the 85th Academy Awards®, telecast producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron announced today. This will be MacFarlane’s first appearance on Oscar’s stage. The 85th Academy Awards will be broadcast live on Oscar® Sunday, February 24, on the ABC Television Network.

“We are thrilled to have Seth MacFarlane host the Oscars. His performing skills blend perfectly with our ideas for making the show entertaining and fresh,” said Zadan and Meron. “He will be the consummate host, and we are so happy to be working with him.”

“It’s truly an overwhelming privilege to be asked to host the Oscars,” said MacFarlane. “My thoughts upon hearing the news were, one, I will do my utmost to live up to the high standards set forth by my predecessors; and two, I hope they don’t find out I hosted the Charlie Sheen Roast.”

On one hand, Seth is always making the smuggest expressions (see pic above) and the only thing his face should host is a fist, so I can’t imagine staring at that for 5 million hours straight. But on the other hand, I LOVE this, because this could be the train wreck mess that will unite all of us together. Remember when James Franco and Anne Hathaway’s beyond awful performances made us all barf next to each other as one? Nothing brings us together like an Oscar shit show.

Ryan Lochte Will Soon Have An Emmy To Go With Those Gold Medals

Every now and again I’ll make jokes about how doing acting stuff is so easy a Hilton can do it, but I take it all back. Acting is the hardest job in the entire world and now I know that thanks to future Emmy winner Ryan Lochte.

Access Hollywood showed a clip of Ryan “acting” in an upcoming episode of 90210 and his performance is so riveting that rocks are jealous, because they wish they could be that stiff and emotionless. But the thing that really changed my mind about acting was the answer that dribbled out of Ryan’s mouth when Access Hollywood’s Laura Saltman (whose eyeballs keep drifting down to his nipples) asked him, “What was the hardest part for you about it?” Ryan’s answer is the same answer Anthony Hopkins gave when he was asked the same question on Inside the Actors Studio:

“Memorizing lines and trying to, like, say ’em and still, like, do movement and all that. That was hard.”

I didn’t think it was possible to love Ryan Lochte more, but I do. I mean, Ryan said in so many words that walking and talking at the same time is hard.

The Gorgeous Barbi Twins And Ron Jeremy Almost Stopped A Crazed Killer

Over one year before psycho killer (qu’est que c’est!) Luka Rocco Magnotta was arrested in Berlin for  killing and dismembering a Chinese exchange student, the Barbi Twins, Ron Jeremy and an American animal-rights group put together a sting operation to catch that crazy bitch for viciously torturing kittens on videos he posted to the internet. Somebody please memorize that sentence and pitch it to David Lynch, because that mess needs to be a movie.

The Globe and Mail says that the animal-loving Barbi Twins and the animal abuser hunters at Rescue Ink asked Ron Jeremy to catch Magnotta in a scheme I hope they called To Catch A Kitten Predator. Since Magnotta was a bottom shelf porn actor in Canada, the plan was for Ron Jeremy to lure him to Hollywood with promises of a role in a big-budget porn movie. Once Magnotta got to the set, the Barbi Twins would’ve teetered out on exquisite lucite heels, beat him with their justice-serving tits and then the dudes from Rescue Ink would’ve turned that evil kitten murderer over to the police. But since Ron Jeremy is all dick with zero balls, he backed out. In an interview last year, Ron explained it like this:

“That’s a little bit out of my league, don’t you think? It’s like an episode from some TV show. The [guy] comes to the set with lube in one hand and his schmeckle in the other thinking he has a job, and the cops tackle him to the ground. That’s good for the movies. That doesn’t work in real life. I told Sia [one half of the gorgeous Barbi Twins] I’m willing to do things and help, do public service announcements, or whatever it takes. But I’m not a law-enforcement agent. How do I catch somebody?”

Ron said that he was completely into the plan until Sia Barbi warned him that Magnotta might be capable of fucking up humans too (she was right). There were plans to set up a fake porn casting call to bring Magnotta in, but those plans were farted away after Ron said that he was too busy. Rescue Ink eventually abandoned all plans to catch that crazy even though they spent a long time gathering information on Magnotta to give to the police.

And that’s your hourly dose of WHAT IN THE FUCK. The whole scheme is ridiculous, but I wish Ron Jeremy would’ve went through with it. It could’ve (but probably not) stopped Magnotta’s reign of terror and my wish of waking up to the headline “The Barbi Twins Awarded Badges of Bravery By President Obama” would’ve come true.

And if the Barbi Twins still want to catch a kitten abuser, there’s always Martha “Kitten Face Eater” Stewart….