Category: The Mind Is Boggled

Kristen Stewart Was Sold Off To A Middle Eastern Prince For Charity

September 10, 2013 / Posted by:

The pimp of the Oscars Harvey Weinstein became Kristen Stewart’s pimp for a second last year during the 12.12.12 concert which benefited Hurricane Sandy relief. The Weinstein Company produced a concert documentary about 12.12.12 and during a discussion after a screening of the movie at the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday, Harvey told everyone that a huge donation came from a Middle Eastern prince who just wanted to “sit” with Kristen Stewart for a few minutes. During the concert, the unnamed prince offered up thousands of dollars for just one meeting with KStew who was a presenter at the event. When Harvey told KStew that a prince was going to throw down a giant donation to hang out with her, she immediately said the words that every good ho says after getting a proposition, “How much?

According to HuffPo, Harvey said that after some back and forth, the prince finally agreed to donate $500,000 for a 15-minute-long meeting with KStew. The prince paid upfront and he, KStew and a bunch of bodyguards sat together for 15 minutes.

Nothing says “I’ve got fuckit money like nobody else’s got fuckit money” like pulling $500,000 out of your checking account to hang out with Kristen Stewart of all people for 15 minutes. That was probably the most awkward 15 minutes of KStew’s life and that’s saying a lot since every second of her life is awkward. I was going to make some joke about how KStew wanted to kiss Harvey Weinstein’s ass by having dry butt sex with a Middle Eastern prince for a $500k donation, but they probably just sat there for 15 minutes without saying a word. The prince creepily stared at her while she bit her lip and blinked incessantly like she was about to have a mild stroke.

I swear, some rich bitches are so weird. Giving $500,00 to charity is a good thing, but giving it because Kristen Stewart agreed to sit with you for 15 minutes? That prince must have a serious, serious lip biting fetish.

Phoebe Price Poses In Front Of A Car Crash

March 26, 2013 / Posted by:

The job of an international supermodel and cultural icon of the ho stroll never stops, even when an 80-something woman’s Mercedes flips on its side after hitting a parked Range Rover in West Hollywood. I know, I’m trying to, but I can’t either…

As firefighters pulled out the woman from her car, Chicken Cutlets put her hand on hip and gave FACE!, BODY!, FACE!, BODY! and FACE!, because RuPaul’s Supermodel” always plays in her head and her body is a slave to the camera clicks. PP’s pose game never takes a minute off.

The paparazzi say that while PP was coming out of Chin Chin after having lunch, she witnessed the car crash. (insert your car crash witnessing a car crash jokes here) PP temporarily put her supermodel pose show on pause to talk to the police about what she saw and to hypnotize a tall piece of sweaty hotness with her freckled beauty. Firefighters pulled the woman out of her car, put her on a stretcher and took her to the hospital.

And after they left, PP winked and kept on posing, because she’ll keep on posing till the world ends. This is what that Nana Gouvêa mess longs to be.

Charlize Theron And Seth MacFarlane Might Be A Thing

March 1, 2013 / Posted by:

A couple of days after the Oscars, there was a story going around that Charlize Theron stayed pretty much attached to Seth MacFarlane’s ass at an Oscars after-party and I figured it’s because he had the good shit and she was looking to fill her apple bong. But Bill Zwecker at the Chicago Sun-Times (via Lainey) says that Charlize and Seth got moist in the nipples for each other during rehearsals for the Oscars and the two hung out at all the parties after the Oscars. Apparently, Seth just broke up with the girl from Game of Thrones and now he’s into Charlize. Severe randomness ahead….

According to folks close to Theron, the South African native thinks MacFarlane is funny, cute and charming. “Charlize finds Seth to be a great guy who not only makes her laugh but has so much on the ball,” said a longtime Hollywood insider who has worked with Theron for years.

Reportedly, the duo not only hung out all night after the Oscars but are planning to see each other again. “This is early, but I see a new relationship brewing,” added a second source who attended MacFarlane’s own post-awards bash Sunday.

This is just weird. Charlize’s taste in dudes has always put a question mark in my head, but Seth MacFarlane?! I mean, I would, but that’s because he looks like a mash-up of Peter Brady and Jamie from Small Wonder and I’m nostalgic like that. If Charlize is up on him, he must cum pot butter. Or maybe she likes it when he does his Brian Griffin voice when they’re humping on each other. Sucio ass bitch.

Here’s some riveting pictures of Charlize at the grocery store with her son yesterday.

The Hell Kind Of Weed Is Shia LaBeouf Smoking? (UPDATE)

February 21, 2013 / Posted by:

Shia LaDouche was supposed to make his Broadway debut opposite Alec Baldwin and Tom Sturridge in the play Orphans, but he dropped out just a week into rehearsals and the old “creative differences” excuse was the reason given for why he quit that bitch. I figured that meant everybody was busy being creative while he was in the corner drunkenly punching a metal folding chair, because it told him his performance in Transformers was emotionally lacking. Others figured that Shia was fired because when he got into the same room as Alec, the asshole levels exploded and the 100-year-old bricks on the walls started to break and crumble. Those who figured that were right! I think.

A source told The New York Times that director Daniel Sullivan was worried about Shia’s “performance choices” and had several talks with Shia and the producers about this before he decided that the role should be recast. Shita (typo and it stays) couldn’t keep his mouth shut about this and he went a Twitter rampage last night, tweeting the e-mail he wrote to everyone involved in the production and then he posted everyone’s responses. Shia’s email was co-produced by his local weed dealer and Jack Daniels, because it is a rambling stream of melodramatic ridiculousness. If Game of Thrones was rebooted and set in 1940s Boston and written by a writer who claims he’s the second coming of David Mamet, this is what one of the monologues would read like. This is some serious Valar Dohaeris shit and not in a good way:

“My dad was a drug dealer. He was a shit human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not. Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn’t winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud. A man does not know everything. He doesn’t try. He likes what other men know. A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it’s just to put an end to the bickering. Alec, I’m sorry for my part of a dis-agreeable situation. – Shia.”

A man also knows how to wear out a fucking bong, apparently. What kind of pretentious foolery? Like dropping shit in my eyes. Even James Franco is like, “Hit the brakes, Shia!”

UPDATE: Shia LaDouche’s “a man” monologue was pretty much a copy + paste job of this article from Esquire. Of course!

And here’s Alec’s response. It’s best if you read this in Michael Caine’s voice, because I’m pretty sure this is one of Alfred’s speeches from Batman:

“I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while. And perhaps some of the particulars are different. But it comes down to the fact that what we all do now is critical. Perhaps especially fro you. When the change comes, how do we handle it, whether it be good or bad? What do we learn? I don’t have an unkind word to say about you. You have my word. – AB”

Shia responded with, “Same. Be well. Good luck on the play. You’ll be great.

And Tom Sturridge responded with:

“Are you still here? I don’t really know what to write. I went in this afternoon and they were all there… producers, etc. I said my piece but they didn’t really listen. I don’t understand what has happened here. Maybe you have had a more enlightening conversation with someone by now. All I can say is that it truly was an honour to work with you even if it was only for a few days. I was stunned by the work you were doing, the performance you were giving. I think you lifted the play to a place high than maybe it even deserved to be. I hope this isn’t the last time we work together and I especially hope it isn’t the last time we see each other. Hope you’re ok brother – Tom”

I think what Tom really meant to write was, “Are you still here, because it sounds like the shit you’re smoking is making your brain liquefy and leak out of the pores on your head and I’m going to need your dealer’s number.”

And finally, Daniel Sullivan responded with this:

“I’m too old for disagreeable situations. You’re on hell of a great actor. Alec is who he is. You are who you are. You two are incompatible. I should have known it. This one will haunt me. You tried to warn me. You said you were a different breed. I didn’t get it. – Dan“

Actor and theater people are so beyond weird. Why aren’t all of us in the theater? You get to smoke a lot of drugs and write emails like you’re a character in a superhero movie. “You tried to warn me! The change is coming! I should’ve listened! Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

And since we’ve gone this far, let’s go all the way and let the foolery tip our chairs back until we fall on the floor. Here’s Shia’s audition video:

Olympic Hero Oscar Pistorius Might Have Murdered His Girlfriend

February 14, 2013 / Posted by:

Well, here’s a shitty and awful story to ruin everybody’s Valentine’s Day. Oscar Pistorius became an instant Olympic hero and national treasure in South Africa this past summer when he made history by becoming the first double amputee sprinter to ever compete at the Olympics. And now Oscar Pistorius is sitting in a jail, because the police in South Africa think that he shot and killed his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp at his house in Pretoria early this morning.

The New York Times says that the local media in Pretoria is reporting that this could’ve been a Valentine’s Day surprise gone wrong in the worst way possible. The rumor (which probably came from the brain of Oscar’s lawyer) is that Reeva planned to surprise him and snuck into his house right before 4 this morning. Oscar heard noises in his house and thought a burglar was inside, so he grabbed his gun, went downstairs and shot Reeva thinking she was an intruder. When the paramedics arrived, they found that Reeva had been shot in the chest, head and arms. She was pronounced dead on the scene.

A police spokesperson Brig. Denise Beukes waved that rumor away and knows that something in the milk ain’t clean about that story. Denise Beukes told reporters that the police have been called to Oscar’s  house before over complaints of a “domestic nature.” Denise wouldn’t say anything else.

26-year-old Oscar was charged with murder and an application for bail is probably going to be denied during a hearing tomorrow. Pretoria was recently named the home robbery capital of South Africa and most people own guns to protect themselves. Oscar said in a New York Times Magazine profile that he owns several guns and keeps them in a display case. The night before his interview with the New York Times Magazine, Oscar said the security alarm in his house went off and he immediately grabbed his gun and went downstairs. It turned out to be nothing.

Reeva was a 30-year-old model, reality star and law school graduate. She had been dating Oscar for only two months. Just yesterday, she was tweeting about Valentine’s Day.

I watch way too much 48 Hours Mysteries and Dateline NBC to believe the whole burglar story. I don’t know how your ass can shoot a burglar four times without realizing that the burglar is actually your girlfriend. I’m looking at that story with a Keith Morrison squint. And if you were planning on surprising your piece this VD, maybe it’s best to just slide a card under their door instead.

Here’s Oscar outside of the police station this morning.

Why Does Baby Milan Have A Giant Finger For An Arm?

February 4, 2013 / Posted by:

And why do I not have a giant finger for an arm? With a finger arm, you’re always giving a bitch the finger.

Almost two weeks after Shakira’s truthful hips birthed out her and Gerard Pique’s son Milan, they have released the first picture of their baby friend on UNICEF’s website and are asking their fans to drop a donation into UNICEF’s donation cup. Shah-keeeeeeeee-dah and Gerard attached a note to the picture and that note read:

“We hope that, in his name, other less privileged children in the world can have their basic needs covered through gifts and donations. Thank you for sharing this unforgettable moment with us.”

Okay, is Gerard Pique a giant or did Shakira give birth to Thumbelino? Because it sorts of look like Gerard is trying to snort Milan’s head and it looks like he can do it.

And damn at Gerard’s finger. Dude isn’t only hung in the crotch, he’s hung in the fingers too.

via UsWeekly 

alt="drupal analytics" >