Category: The Mind Is Boggled

FKA Twigs Must Be On The Same Shit As The Smith Kids

October 28, 2016 / Posted by:

By “shit,” I of course mean IMMENSE KNOWLEDGE. And yes, “Immense Knowledge” is the name of their weed strain of choice.

FKA Twigs is a lot of things. She’s a singer, a songwriter, a dancer, an artiste and Robert Pattinson’s promised one. And after reading her interview with ES Magazine, I learned that she either took the same Scientology homeschool classes as Willow and Jaden Smith or all of their brains were cut from the same hemp cloth. Because FKA Twigs gets deep. FKA Twigs may look like Fievel’s sister from An American Tail, but when she stares out into the vast night, she doesn’t sing Somewhere Out There, she reads the stars.

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Adrian Grenier Hates, Hates, HATES Straws!

September 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Adrian Grenier is so not enjoying that delicious-looking strawberry cocktail. Adrian is hate-sucking on that straw, because straws are the devil’s long plastic dick!

Adrian is the television version of Leonardo DiCatchAHo, because it seems like his (gigantic) peen is a nomad who never wants to settle down in one poon AND he really cares about the environment. Adrian co-founded the Lonely Whale Foundation, which exists to educate people on ocean animals. Adrian’s foundation did some exhibit for Refinery29 in Brooklyn for Fashion Week. The Cut talked to Adrian at popular restaurant Roberta’s in Bushwick, and when he opens up his mind to you, hold onto something tight, because he will take you on a hilarious insane ride through his acid-laced thoughts. Most of the quotes that were squirted out of Adrian’s brain read like something a Portlandia writer would write before scratching it out and saying, “Naw, that’s TOO crazy.

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Today In WTF: Ross Gellar Is Playing Robert Kardashian In Ryan Murphy’s OJ Miniseries

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

I guess the F in FX officially stands for “fuckery,” because Deadline says that David Schwimmer has been cast as Robert Kardashian in the American Horror Story spin-off series called American Crime Story, which will focus on a famous real-life crime each season. They’re doing the OJ Simpson trial for their first season, obviously. Cuba Gooding Jr. is playing OJ and Sarah Paulson is playing Marcia Clark. An OJ Simpson miniseries starring Ross from Friends and the “SHOW ME THE MOOONAY!” guy from Jerry Maguire is like something the 90s threw up. I hope this means that Kimmy Gibbler is playing Nicole Brown Simpson, Coolio is playing Johnnie Cochran, Gary Oldman as Dracula is playing Pimp Mama Kris, Kato Kaelin is playing Kato Kaelin and the morally corrupt Faye Resnick is playing the morally corrupt Faye Resnick.

Here’s the release about this messy shit from FX:

David Schwimmer is set to star in the project based on the book The Run of His Life: The People v. O.J. Simpson. The miniseries takes a look at the O.J. Simpson trial told from the perspective of the lawyers that explores the chaotic behind-the-scenes dealings and maneuvering on both sides of the court, and how a combination of prosecution confidence, defense wiliness, and the LAPD’s history with the city’s African-American community gave a jury what it needed: reasonable doubt. Schwimmer will play O.J. Simpson’s confidant and attorney Robert Kardashian, starring opposite Cuba Gooding Jr. as Simpson and Sarah Paulson as prosecutor Marcia Clark

I don’t think anybody has been asking for an OJ Simpson miniseries, but this has all the makings of a beautiful disaster, so I’m here for it. Since they cast Ross Gellar, they should also ask Marcel. Don’t even say that Marcel should play Khloe or Kris. Don’t do that to Marcel.

The Hell Kind Of Weed Are These Kids Smoking?

November 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Alternate headline: The Hell Kind Of Weed Is The New York Times Smoking? Because The New York Times’ T Magazine (via Jezebel) interviewed 16-year-old Jaden Smith and his 14-year-old sister Willow Smith for some reason. They all got to talking about time, babies, Prana energy and I don’t really know what else because my brain turned inside out halfway into their interview. I felt like I needed an experienced and gentle peyote guide to get me through that interview.

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In “This Is The Epitome Of Random” News: Michelle Rodriguez And Zac Efron Got Papped Kissing

July 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Butch queen Michelle Rodriguez and pretty pretty princess Zac Efron have been vacationing with friends in Sardinia for a little bit and that pairing makes zero sense until you remind yourself that Zac kind of loves drugs and she is made of equal parts coke, booze and weed. I was expecting to see the headline, “Italy Fresh Out Of The Bad Shit, Asks South America For A Cocaine Bailout,” but I was not expecting to see the headline, “Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez Confirm Romance.” Yesterday, The Daily Mail threw up pictures of Zac Efron getting lip gloss on Michelle Rodriguez’s face while delicately kissing her on a boat. The definition of “random” always finds new, creative and WTF ways to redefine itself. This is like the Inception of bearding.

MRod was clit wrestling with Cara Delevingne a few months ago and together they were my second favorite gayelle couple after Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, but I guess she’s done with that and now she’s one half of my new favorite lesbian couple.  MRod has said before that she goes wherever her cooch takes her and she loves both dick and snatch, and you know her strap-on game is next level, so these two sort of make a sliver of sense. But CDAN has a different theory for why these two are suddenly a thing. Apparently, MRod really wants a fetus in her and she may be trying to get Zac’s glitter sperm to knock her up.

Michelle had a long time girlfriend. Her name is not important here, but they dated for lots of years and even have an agreement together in case they ever split. Not a registered partnership, but something to protect both of them in case of a split. This girlfriend and Michelle had been searching for someone to have a child for them. To be the father. The person they both decided on was Olivier Martinez. Yep, the same guy who ended up having a child with Halle Berry. Apparently Olivier told Michelle that he would love to have a child with her and Michelle was enamored of the idea and thought Olivier would be perfect. Then he got involved with Halle and Michelle felt betrayed and lied to by Olivier. Nothing new if you know Olivier. Up to that point, Michelle had never been with guy. Ever. Yes, I know she likes to tell the world she likes both sexes, and she does a lot of flirting, but remember it was only recently that she was spotted openly making out with Cara Delevingne and other women. Michelle decided to cheat with Cara on her then girlfriend who she was supposed to meet up with in Asia. Fast forward a few months and Michelle and Cara split and Michelle and Zac are spotted making out on boat off the coast of Italy and are joined by a guy who has been the source of a lot of issues with Zac.

If Michelle and Zac had a butch unicorn baby together, the Earth would end when millions of heads exploded simultaneously. I think Neil deGrasse Tyson talked about that in Cosmos or something.

This might be the greatest acting that Zac has ever done, because they actually look really into each other in those pics. MRod’s looking at Zac like he’s a giant vagina and he’s looking at her like she’s a giant tube of tinted moisturizer. You know, maybe they aren’t kissing at all. Maybe MRod burped up some coke. I’m going to stop questioning them and just go with it, because I can truly get behind (wink wink) a couple that “fuckery” queefed up.

Here’s Zac working out with hot Italian daddy Gianluca Vacchi in Sardinia on Saturday.

Pics: Splash

Kristen Stewart Was Sold Off To A Middle Eastern Prince For Charity

September 10, 2013 / Posted by:

The pimp of the Oscars Harvey Weinstein became Kristen Stewart’s pimp for a second last year during the 12.12.12 concert which benefited Hurricane Sandy relief. The Weinstein Company produced a concert documentary about 12.12.12 and during a discussion after a screening of the movie at the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday, Harvey told everyone that a huge donation came from a Middle Eastern prince who just wanted to “sit” with Kristen Stewart for a few minutes. During the concert, the unnamed prince offered up thousands of dollars for just one meeting with KStew who was a presenter at the event. When Harvey told KStew that a prince was going to throw down a giant donation to hang out with her, she immediately said the words that every good ho says after getting a proposition, “How much?

According to HuffPo, Harvey said that after some back and forth, the prince finally agreed to donate $500,000 for a 15-minute-long meeting with KStew. The prince paid upfront and he, KStew and a bunch of bodyguards sat together for 15 minutes.

Nothing says “I’ve got fuckit money like nobody else’s got fuckit money” like pulling $500,000 out of your checking account to hang out with Kristen Stewart of all people for 15 minutes. That was probably the most awkward 15 minutes of KStew’s life and that’s saying a lot since every second of her life is awkward. I was going to make some joke about how KStew wanted to kiss Harvey Weinstein’s ass by having dry butt sex with a Middle Eastern prince for a $500k donation, but they probably just sat there for 15 minutes without saying a word. The prince creepily stared at her while she bit her lip and blinked incessantly like she was about to have a mild stroke.

I swear, some rich bitches are so weird. Giving $500,00 to charity is a good thing, but giving it because Kristen Stewart agreed to sit with you for 15 minutes? That prince must have a serious, serious lip biting fetish.

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