He Put A Ring On It

Jennifer Aniston can finally take “Single Ladies” off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. “You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!” And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!

Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren’t fireworks from Jen’s chocha. No, it’s a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters’ heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses’ minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.

Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I’m not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don’t freak out,that’s right, I said I have no shade. It’s okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven’t had it in awhile.

The Jennifer Aniston Perfume Contest WINNER!

And here’s the winner from Friday’s contest! It was hard picking just one, so I let my boyfriend pillow do the choosing. That’s how Aniston would handle this. Congrats to TheGoldenBoyNC! You’ve got a gift waiting in your inbox.

Winner:

“Sourpuss” – With the energizing aroma of apple cider vinegar and supple hints of stagnant Snapple lemonade, one whiff of Sourpuss will have you pout and look generally pissed off at the world just like superstar Jennifer Aniston. Pairs perfectly with Ed Hardy cologne for the man in your life … but if you’re like Jennifer, you probably don’t have one. – TheGoldenBoyNC

Runners-up (prize: a cyber hug from me, no returns accepted):

Call Me
Shaped liked a phone. Smells like silence. – jazzfish_77

“Childless!” Smells like a clean house, kid-barfless clothes/hair, and FREEDOM – Green Tea Latte

Ocean Screamer, the scent that encapsulates the sandy beaches of Cabo, dried eggs and raw cookie dough. – beakers bitch

The Rules (posted on Friday):

We’re going to do shit a little differently today. The CAPTION THIS Contest will take the day off, so we can help Jennifer Aniston out! OK! Magazine is saying that Jennifer has been working on a branded perfume for around 20 months. Aniston’s rep confirmed the news to Wonderwall. There’s a little problem, though. Jen is having trouble coming up with a name. A source said that the names “Aniston” and “Echo” have already been turned down by ad executives.

So give Aniston a helping hand! The rules are simple: Come up with a name for her perfume and describe its scent.

The winner will get a bottle of Aniston’s lonely tears if it ever comes out. Or I can just send you a $25 iTunes gift card so you can download a bunch of weepy break-up songs.

The winner will be announced on Monday!