I’m going to assume that the editors of Interview magazine enjoy the smooth refreshing taste of crack in between story pitches, because their upcoming spread for September’s issue couldn’t have been conceived while sober. They have officially claimed silicone’s one-and-only BFF Kim Kardashian West as America’s New First Lady. Pull out your tissues, ladies and gentlemen, because you’re gonna roll your eyes so hard they may start to bleed.
It’s been 7 months since our ears were terrorized by the sound of douchey bobblehead doll Billy Bush giggling after Donald Trump bragged about grabbing pussies without permission. Since then, Billy Bush has been drying his unemployed tears on the millions of dollars NBC gave him to go the hell away while an unscathed Trump is in the White House and getting his pussy-grabbing hand swatted away by the First Lady.
Right after the tape leaked and killed Billy Bush’s job, he dribbled out an apology, but he’s mostly kept his lips closed about that mess until he talked to The Hollywood Reporter last week. Billy Bush not only looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy, but in this interview, it seems like his publicist shoved their fist up his ass and did the talking for him.
Never has a word looked so completely wrong superimposed over a person. Lindsay Lohan has found herself a new gig that is only a tiny bit less confusing than designing headscarves.
Disney is doing live-action remakes of pretty much all their cartoon movies, because Mickey Mouse is a greedy money whore who knows that fools will throw their cash at anything with the Disney logo on it. Disney is working on a live-action The Little Mermaid, and over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan proved once again that’s she’s the corner where delusion and desperate meet when she said on Instagram that she wants be in it. No, LiLo doesn’t think she should play one of the polyps in Ursula’s garden of poor unfortunate souls. LiLo wants to be 16-year-old Ariel. You know, that idea isn’t that crazy. I mean, Ariel is a klepto and most of her body is covered with slimy scales.
On Friday, Lindsay Lohan sat down with the Daily Mail in New York City for a Facebook Live chat. For the past couple of years, Lindsay has been all about that European life, and she’s made no secret about how much more she likes living there than the US. But she decided to return to the US for a bit. And according to Lindsay, it was a real ordeal for her emotions.
Don’t scoff at that; it takes hours and hours of practice to pose like an undefeated toddler pageant queen. Earlier this week, Ariana Grande Instagrammed a black and white picture of herself looking like American Girl doll that just discovered weed and Joy Rich. But unlike the last time she got a little attention for something she posted to Instagram, this time it wasn’t about the picture. It was the caption that went along with it.
That last hashtag: #haventsleptinyears. That might explain why it looks like she’s taking a quick standing-up snooze in the middle of the sidewalk. If I hadn’t slept in years, I’d wouldn’t be able to keep my eyes open for a picture either.