Category: The Crazy Quaids

The Quacked Out Quaids Are All Yours, Canada!

February 24, 2011 / Posted by:

Hollywood Star Whackers: 2,975,319 The Quacked Out Quaids: 1

Canada just got a major boost in the “Craziest Country in the World” contest, because the government announced today that they will not ship Randy Quaid and his partner in foolery Evi Quaid back to the US to face vandalism charges for squatting in their former Santa Barbara home. USA Today reports that Evi’s now got her Canadian citizenship card in her paws and has already filed an application to sponsor Randy’s citizenship. Evi’s father is a citizen of Canada which is why the country added her name to their list of residents. Canada’s immigration officials have yet to deny or grant Randy’s plea to be blessed by Justin Bieber’s dandruff. While they decide if Canada is big enough for two BATSHIT CRAZIES, they have allowed him to stay.

Randy and Evi held a press conference in Vancouver and thanked Canada for giving them the chance to finally “live in peace.

Randy and Evi might be living in peace, but the citizens of Canada are not now that those loon bags are loudly scribbling on their manifestos in coffee shops and rifling through dumpsters for discarded foil pieces to make caps out of. The US now has Avril Lavigne so apologies are not in order! But Canada should still spike the water supply with liquid Valium and pump weed smoke into the air to help its citizens deal with this new terror.

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Just Two Batshit Crazies In Love

December 1, 2010 / Posted by:

Both Vanity Fair and Esquire just published their own interviews and profiles on everybody’s favorite Canadian refugees Randy and Evi Quaid, and reading that shit made me feel like I was Nurse Valerie from Girl, Interrupted. You just have to nervously shake your head while Evi redefines CRAZY by saying that she can only talk in windowless rooms without any cell phones around. You should spend time with both articles if your sanity allows it. But in the meantime, my take is after the jump. Warning: Shit is LONG. JUMP!

The Vanity Fair piece paints Evi as a money-grubbing, rich girl who social climbed her to the middle and seduced Randy over to the insane side when she worked as his driver on Bloodhounds of Broadway. Evi does most of the talking and it seems that Randy does whatever she says. At the end of VF article, Randy tells his lawyer that he should leave Vancouver to go down to Santa Barbara to answer to the charges of felony vandalism. Evi warns him that if he goes the “Hollywood Whackers” will murder him. Randy responds with a, “No, they won’t.” So it seems that every now and again Randy comes up for a breath of sanity before Evi pulls him back down into the deep end. And about those Hollywood Whackers

Evi is still going on about how the Hollywood Whackers murdered David Carradine, Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, Robert Blake’s wife, Phil Hartman for insurance money. Evi thinks that the Hollywood Whackers traveled to Thailand to kill David Carradine so that they could collect the insurance on the project he was working on. Yeah, Evi doesn’t know how insurance works, but don’t tell her that or she’ll try to pry a microchip out of your ear with a wire hanger from a motel room. It’s best just to nod.

Here’s a few choice quotes from The Quacked Out Quaids Vanity Fair piece including how Jeremy Piven was drugged (HAHAHAHAHA) and how Madge (his co-star in Bloodhounds of Broadway) wanted a hunk of Randy:

On how the Quaids are going to drive to Siberia: Evi Quaid called from a pay phone in Vancouver to say that she and her husband, Randy, the actor, had tried to drive to Siberia, but they “couldn’t figure out how to get there.”

On how Jeremy Piven was set up: She said she also suspected Jeremy Piven’s falling ill from mercury poisoning was another sign of a dastardly plot by the Broadway producers of Speed-the-Plow to collect insurance money. “It was an orchestrated hit,” she said. “They could have put mescaline in his water bottle.”

On how Madge wanted to fuck Randy and Baby in the corner: “Madonna was funny,” Evi said. “She tried to seduce Randy away. She said, ‘Randy, don’t you wanna come back? Jennifer [Grey, who also starred in the film] and I, we’re gonna have a ménage.’ ” She laughed.

The Esquire piece by Chris Jones focuses more on Randy and Evi’s strange love. Evi talks in detail about all the ways she thinks the Hollywood Whackers are going to murder the both of them. Evi hardly sleeps at night, because her brain is too busy focusing on how to always stay two steps ahead of the Hollywood Whackers. Here’s just a few scenarios Evi has come up with:

They will be killed in one of three ways, she says. (She does most of the talking.) She has interrupted the killers practicing. “Staging scenarios,” she calls them. Dry runs, rehearsals, blocking for a gruesome play.

Their most likely end, the Quaids believe, will involve knives. Randy will be drugged in his sleep — “They know he has sleep apnea,” she says — and Evi will be stabbed to death. Then they will put the knife in his hand. He will wake up and be locked away forever. Or he will kill himself in his terror and grief. The Star Whackers have stolen some of his songs — he writes sad, introspective songs on more crumpled sheets of paper — and the killers will lay one out on the nightstand or the kitchen counter. “Randy’s songs read like suicide notes,” Evi says. “That’s how the cops will read them.”

Or they will be hanged together, Randy and Evi, strung up from the rafters in a garage. Another song will surface. It will be ruled a double suicide.

Or they will be found in their car, parked overlooking the steel-gray sea, and they will be found sitting, frozen, hand-in-hand, their insides brimming with a lethal dose of Demerol, administered through Evi’s stolen migraine medication. “A pharmacist told me they could put one hundred times the lethal dose in a single pill,” she says.

Maybe it’s the morbid Emo MySpace tween in me, but there’s something romantic about their craziness. A love that only two certifiable mental cases can share. I mean, when Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is reciting his vows to me at our make believe wedding, I hope he says, “In sickness and in health or until the Hollywood Whackers give both of us a lethal shot of Demerol in our Toyota Prius.” Awwww.

Even when the Crazy Quaids were in jail they pressed their bodies against the wall to feel closer to each other:

During their first night in jail in Canada, before they were released and allowed to make their case for staying legally, they stretched out on either side of a shared cement wall and tapped messages to each other through the blocks, all night long. They positioned their bodies so that they could feel each other’s heat and energy spilling through the cracks in the mortar. Their first night out, together again, they stood on the rocky shore and looked out at the water and decided they were going to fight for their lives.

Or maybe they do that because their Powers of Crazy only work when they’re together. That must be it.

Oh, and thanks to Evi I’ll never be able to look at a delicious Blizzard the same way again:

“Radar Online is owned by the police. They called the Dairy Queen in Marfa, Texas, to spread rumors about us when we lived there. Everything came out of the Dairy Queen.”

Why did Evi have to go and ruin ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! It’s not like ice cream is out to kill her (or is it?)!

And how long before AVN puts out a parody porn about Randy and Evi called…wait for it…Hollywood Whackers. It’s almost too easy.

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Dear Canada, You Saved The Quaids’ Lives!!!!

November 23, 2010 / Posted by:

When Cousin Eddie and his Bride of CRAZYSTEIN celebrate American Thanksgiving this Thursday by burning an effigy of the Hollywood Whackers (aka a blow-up doll paper mached with back copies of Variety) in the parking lot of Safeway in Vancouver, they are going to take a quick moment to say a “thank you” chant to Canada for SAVING THEIR LIVES! At Randy and Evi’s hearing this afternoon with Canada’s Immigration Board, he gave thanks and said that if it wasn’t for the country’s refugee system he’d hanging out with David Carradine and Heath Ledger up in heaven.

In case the Hollywood Whackers penetrated through your roasting bag hat and zapped the part of your brain that remembered Randy and Evi’s ordeal, they are currently hiding out in Canada after skipping a few court hearings in Santa Barbara, CA. The Crazy Quaids want to stay in Canada, because they believe a secret underground Hollywood mafia is trying to GIT ‘EM!

The hearing today was to determine if Canada is going to brand Randy and Evi’s asses with a giant REFUGEE stamp. But the hearing was postponed until next month, because the Quaids’ lawyer says she needs more time to go over their giant file. Yeah, it must take a steady eyeball and a few shots of strong shit to figure out all the conspiracy theories the Quaids have written on dozens of fast food bags.

So, there you go. The Quaids are all yours, Canada! Baptize them in maple syrup and embrace them! It shouldn’t be hard to accept them as yours since Evi looked kind of hot at the hearing today. But I might only be saying that because she looks like a malnourished male make-up artist who gives makeovers to old ladies at the MAC counter by day, and then performs in drag as a singing Bette Davis by night. Yeah, Evi’s “drag queen without her make-up on” face is totally doing things to me!

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The Hollywood Whackers Must Be Stopped, So Says Randy & Evi

November 1, 2010 / Posted by:

The quacked out Quaids should really be speaking to a highly-skilled team of mental health professionals carrying trays filled with assorted meds, but for some reason their lawyers let them speak to ABC News instead. Randy and Evi Quaid once again put an aluminum foil cap on our heads by telling us how they believe there’s a vicious conspiracy against Hollywood actors!!! Hide yo Brit Brits! Hide yo Mel Gibsons! Hide yo Lindsay Lohans, because Cousin Eddie thinks they are all in danger, girl.

Speaking from their hiding place in Canada, Randy and Evi said there’s a mafia out there who is destroying and murdering the innocent virgin angels of Hollywood one by one. They don’t think Heath Ledger died of an overdose. They believe he was murdered for ad dollars (blame Don Draper)! DUN DUN DUN! They also believe that Mad Mel Gibson isn’t an anti-Semitic, racist leather duffel bag of Hitler shit. They think that Mad Mel was drugged by the Hollywood whackers.

Um. Randy and Evi need to adjust the wire hangers they stick in their ears to spy on the Hollywood mafia, because I’m pretty sure something got lost in transmission. Mad Mel wasn’t drugged with Jew-hating pills, he’s just a natural born cunt!

Here’s a few pieces from Randy and Evi’s interview. They really continue to out CRAZY themselves.

Randy on people saying they are crackheads and/or schizophrenics: “No. To have my integrity and my reputation so denigrated so mercilessly – why? Why would somebody want to do this to me?”

Randy on how they know the Hollywood mafia is out to GIT ‘EM: “They follow us, they tail us. They tag our cell phone, they hack our computer.”

Evi on who is trying to kill them: “…An estate planner who would make a living trust and a county that could cash Randy’s royalty stream forever. I feel like Uma Thurman buried in a coffin. I genuinely feel these people are trying to kill us.”

Randy on his brother Dennis: “It’s been a little tense the past few years, but I love my brother very much. We’re worried about him. He’s being victimized by the same people.”

Evi on her brother-in-law Dennis: “Dennis is now on a treadmill of making movies that are garbage and it’s unfortunate because he’s talented,”

Evi on Mad Mel: “I think he was drugged. I think he was slipped a Mickey.”

And now for the video!!! You know, I’m kind of surprised they didn’t insist that the interview be filmed on their own mini-disc camcorder in case the Hollywood whackers hid a gun in ABC’s cameras.

All joking aside, Randy and Evi might have a point. Exhibit A: These pictures of Dennis Quaid in costume as Pauly D from Jersey Shore. This is obviously the work of the dark-sided Hollywood branch of the Illuminati. If this is the case, then I say good work Illuminati, because DAMN at Dennis’ body. Bitch has abs that could almost scrub the crazy out of Randy and Evi. Almost.

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Doji SAVED!

October 28, 2010 / Posted by:

Ignore the lipstick. Doji just has it out to write “HELP ME” on the gas station bathroom mirror later. So, there’s a happy ending (sort of) to the Incarceration of Doji Saga. The quacked out Quaids’ dog Doji was forced to do the perp crawl to the animal shelter in Vancouver this past weekend when his owners were busted for sneaking into Canada. Doji’s fate was thrown up into the air, because the Quaids didn’t know when they would be able to bail him out. But right after Randy and Evi Quaid were released from an immigration detention center yesterday afternoon, they made their way to the animal shelter to free Doji! They’re all together again (“FML” – Doji to himself)!!!!

As for the Quaids, Canada’s Border Service Agency was able to confirm that Evi is a citizen of their fair country because her father is Canadian. She’s one of you, CANADA! Evi’s cage door was opened. Randy was also released after he posted $10,000 bail.

The Quaids are expected to beg for refugee status in a hearing today. They still believe that the whackers of Hollywood are after them. Canada will decide whether or not they are going to deport those crazy bitches back to the US to faces vandalism charges in Santa Barbara.

Randy told reporters outside of the animal shelter that he’s hoping to start a new life in Canadaland!

“I come to Canada and the people have always embraced me warmly here. I have always enjoyed coming here. It’s not a question of either or. I like this place. I like that place. I just want a place where I can work and enjoy my life and not feel that someone is always following me around and trying to steal from me.

I have nothing against my beloved America. I love my country and have been very, very happy there.”

I know I should joke about how Doji is going to make his escape by freezing fear into Randy and Evi when he disguises himself as a “Hollywood whacker,” but I bet they really love him so. One of the craziest crazies I’ve ever known treated his dog like it was a unicorn prince. Dude used to taste his dog’s food to make sure it wasn’t spoiled or anything. And he regularly canceled plans with me, because he felt his dog wanted him to stay home. No, I’m not talking about myself….. But that Paul Newman dog food doesn’t taste that awful.

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Save Doji!

October 26, 2010 / Posted by:

The CRAZY Quaids’ National Lampoon’s Escape to Canada” plan fell apart over the weekend when they were caught by Vancouver police and turned over to immigration officials. Randy and Evi Quaid begged Canada to save them from the “Hollywood whackers” who are responsible for the tragic deaths of their friends including Heath Ledger and David Carradine. Well, another member of the Quaid family might be turned into glue, or since this Canada we’re talking about, maple syrup. Or better yet, that brown glue that sort of looks like burnt honey. Anyways, this is not about glue that looks like honey! This is about the Quaids’ poor dog Doji.

TMZ says that Doji was with Randy and Evi when their refugee dreams were popped. When Randy and Evi were shuffled off to the nearest jail cell, Doji was taken to an animal shelter in Vancouver. Cousin Eddie has yet to pick up Doji from the shelter, and apparently Vancouver law states that any jailed dog that hasn’t been claimed for more than 3 days becomes property of the city. The keeper of the pound then has the right to either put the dog up for adoption or send it on a premature trip to heaven!

Vancouver Animal Control tells TMZ that they try their hardest to find every dog a new home before they resort to giving it a death kiss to the veins 🙁

Dennis, get your ass to Canada and save this dog! But seriously, now that the news of Doji’s incarceration is making the rounds, I’m sure Animal Control isn’t going to tuck him in for a permanent mimis. Doji will be saved (I hope). Besides, sitting in a doggy jail cell is probably better than Randy and Evi always checking the insides of your ears for hidden recording devices planted by their enemies.

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