“Calm Down Everyone, There’s Enough Messiah Blessings To Go Around!”

St. Angie and the child army have landed in Tokyo for the Japanese premiere of Maleficent, but I get the feeling they’ll end up cancelling the whole thing, since no 90-minute movie can compete with watching the twin messiahs walk through the airport. How do you say “This is the happiest day of my life” in Japanese? I bet they heard that 89,000 times from the arrival gate to baggage claim.

I hope Pope Francis doesn’t have any long-term plans for Castle Jesus like building a moat or remodelling the kitchen, because it looks like his time in Vatican City is limited now that Knox Jolie-Pitt is old enough to walk, smile, wave, and beam rays of pure blessed light. Fortunately, Pope Francis only has to worry about losing his job to one of the messiahs; Vivienne Jolie-Pitt has no time for waving and smiling or blessing people. Besides, she’s more interested in taking over the family business by becoming a Saint, like her mother.

And for those of you questioning whether or not the chosen ones are getting a bit old to be carrying around baby blankies, those aren’t actually blankies. They’re detachable angel wings (it just makes things easier when you’re going through security).

Here’s more of the holy family gracing the lucky people of Tokyo with their flawless perfection this morning. If you live in Japan and you see everyone dumping maneki-nekos into the trash, it’s because they’re being replaced with ceramic figures of Knox waving.

Pics: Splash

St. Angie Brought A Greasy Adult Film Director As Her Date To The Maleficent Premiere

The premiere of Disney’s Maleficent (aka Disney’s Cheekbones!) was held in LA last night and St. Angie took a night off from reading passages of The Bible to blind angels in Heaven to grace the red blue carpet with her presence. St. Angie truly is the People’s Saint. She could have had her pick from the finest, most exquisite of gowns fit for European aristocracy and nobility, and instead she chooses to show compassion for the destitute have-nots of the world by wearing a humble trash bag. “All I did was turn water into wine. Teach me, St. Angie” – Jesus.

And just like Jesus, her crusade for social justice didn’t end with her trash bag dress. Again, she could have put Brad Pitt in an expensive suit and tie and told him to put down the Funyuns and shave, but instead she showed her unconditional love for the outcasts of society by making him dress up as a sleazy amateur porn filmmaker from the San Fernando Valley. Excellent job, Angie, you can practically smell the Acqua Di Gio and Astroglide from here. This wasn’t the original idea, however; she wanted to do Brad up as a leper, but they ran out of makeup after trying to cover up Angie’s forehead vein.

Here’s more of St. Angie and Brad and the premiere of the #1 movie in Heaven. Sadly, only one member of the child army was able to make it, and that was Maddox. I know this isn’t the first time we’ve seen grown-up baby Maddox in a suit, but it still makes me feel like I need to buy a walker and put tennis balls on the feet.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Had To Be In Maleficent Because She Was The Only Kid Who Wasn’t Scared Of St. Angie’s Ass

At the Oscars next year, Jared Leto will stroll out onto the stage, flip his luscious mane and he won’t have to open the envelope to announce the winner of Best Supporting Actress, because he’ll know and we’ll all know it will be Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. She’ll crawl onto the stage, burp, scratch her head and drag her trophy away while everyone gives her a standing ovation and loses their minds. And Vivi didn’t even have to try to get that role. All she had to do was be born out of the right chocha and not scream for her Godfather (who is actually God) when seeing her mom in full costume.

In Entertainment Weekly’s cover story about Maleficent, St. Angie Jolie says that one of the chosen ones had to play Young Aurora, because all of the little girls they auditioned ran away after seeing her looking like the evil ghost of a malnourished ram. Even Pax wanted to hold a crucifix up to her when he saw her:

“When Pax saw me for the first time, he ran away and got upset — and I thought he was kidding, so I was pretending to chase him until I actually found him crying. I had to take off pieces [of the makeup] in front of him to show him it was all fake and not freak out so much.

We think it’s fun for our kids to have cameos and join us on set, but not to be actors. That’s not our goal for Brad and I at all. But the other 3- and 4-year-old [performers] wouldn’t come near me. It had to be a child that liked me and wasn’t afraid of my horns and my eyes and my claws. So it had to be Viv.”

In the wise words of The Mighty O, let’s cut the bullshit, St. Angie. There are many 3-year-olds who will run toward St. Angie, because they’d want her ass to adopt them so they can shop at every toy store in the damn world, eat McDonald’s all the time and inhale the weed-induced breath that comes out of Brad Pitt’s mouth. St. Angie made the producers cast Vivi, because she wanted the extra check (not really). Dragging 10,000 kids around the world ain’t cheap.

And of course Brad and St. Angie don’t want their kids to go into acting. That ruins their plan of raising a child army who will one day take over the world and make all of us their slaves. We should just surrender now and get it over with.

St. Angie Takes The Chosen Ones To Buy Toys (What Else?) In Sydney

In case you didn’t know that Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, a child saint, can work a pair of sunglasses better than all of us, adults (HAHA, I know that was a good one, me calling us adults), here’s Vivienne Jolie-Pitt working a pair of sunglasses better than all of us. Even that plastic ginger Muppet thing looks impressed at her effortless J. Crew catalog posing skills.

St. Angie took a break from directing her movie Unbroken while dressed like a secretary at Robichaux Academy to take the chosen ones to buys toys and watch them eat at a restaurant in Sydney called Grandpa’s Moustache (which sounds like a To Catch A Predator-themed restaurant or like a boy band full of pepaws) yesterday. I swear, the holy family is single-handedly saving the toy industry! They buy toys as often as Rob Ford buys crack. Every time they leave the house, they go to a toy store, scream “I’ll take EVERYTHING” while throwing down a bag of gold and then they go home and play with all their new toys for about five seconds before getting bored and giving their used toys to Brad Pitt to smoke up.

Allison wrote about how Christmas is probably going to be canceled this year since there’s no “it toy.” Well, since one of the chosen ones was papped carrying a doll in a white tank top, that doll in a tank top IS the it toy of the season. Vivi Jolie-Pitt saved Christmas! And if you’re keeping track of the adventures of St. Angie’s bulging forehead vein of doom, take note that it picked up and moved to the west side of her forehead for Australian Spring.

Pics: Splash

Brad Pitt Took The Chosen Ones To Legoland

St. Angie Jolie is gracing Australia with her holy presence while she directs that Unbroken movie over there and Brad Pitt is in England shooting that World War II movie with Shia LaDouche, so the child army has been split up. Brad took the Chosen Ones, who are looking more and more like early days Hanson, to Legoland Windsor and The Daily Mail says that he’s so real and so of the people that he waited in line with the regulars and didn’t use the “I’m Brad Fucking Pitt” card to cut to the front. Bitch, please. Brad Pitt probably hired a Brad Pitt decoy to wait in line, while he cut to the front, to make it look like he’s real and of the people. Because what’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to use that fame to skip the long ass annoying lines at amusement parks?

And because of that haircut and those clothes, Brad Pitt looks like the sensitive and low-ranking member of a crime family who’s been ordered to guard the mob boss’ chirruns.

Yes, I’d hit it, but I’m not talking about Brad. I’m talking about the hot bodyguard who looks like Stretch Armstrong’s silver-topped daddy.

Pics: FameFlynet

Lunch At McDonald’s Is On Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Today, Because She’s RICH!

Above is a picture of future Oscar winner Vivienne Jolie-Pitt sitting, holding a blanket, looking to the side and breathing, and she’s probably doing more work there than she did on the job that put at least $3,000 into her coin purse. Vivienne Jolie-Pitt beat out THOUSANDS of baby actresses no one when she won a role as the young Elle Fanning in Angie Jolie’s movie Maleficent. Vivienne landed the role when the casting director looked at her resume and the only thing on it was: “Accomplishments – Coming out of Angelina Jolie’s vagina. You know, the woman who is solely responsible for you getting a fucking pay check every week. Cast me, bitch.”

TMZ says that after Vivienne Jolie-Pitt got the role, her entertainment attorney Maddox managed to negotiate an extreme lucrative deal (she got paid scale) worth $3,000 a week (scale) AND he got her a $60 a day per diem (that’s standard.) Since Vivienne Jolie-Pitt already lives in an ivory tower and feeds on the breath of angels, she donated all of her per diem money to The People Who Aren’t A Jolie-Pitt Foundation.

So let’s see, 4-year-old Vivienne Jolie-Pitt got paid thousands of dollars and all she had to do was sit, look at things, try not to poop or drool on her costume and she probably cooed out a couple of lines. That’s pretty much what Lindsay Lohan did in Liz & Dick and I’m sure she got paid less than $3,000 a week! I say “pretty much,” because I’m sure LiLo shit in her costume at least once a week.