Category: The Chosen Ones

Barack Obama May Have Spilled Some News On The Twin Messiahs (But Probably Not) 

June 16, 2017 / Posted by:

All week, the Beyhive has been on HIGH ALERT as they wait to hear the news that their King, Beyonce, has gifted the world with the real-life Gemini Twins. There’s been rumors that Beyonce was getting ready to give birth, was in the middle of giving birth and has already given birth. I’m not sure if I believe the rumors that Beyonce and Jay Z’s twins are already here, because I don’t remember seeing Jesus float down from heaven while holding two diaper bouquets to give to his twin successors.

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Angelina Jolie And Most Of The Chosen Ones Made A Red Carpet Appearance Yesterday

January 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Okay, so I’ve had my assistants, St. Francis of Assisi and Jesus, mark the spot where my friend God will be parting the clouds and sending down a soft beam of heavenly light to illuminate my halo. So if you can let all the photographers know that they should shoot me from over there, that would be great.”

In case you’re wondering why there was recently a dramatic increase in reported miracles and little old ladies claiming to have seen the image of a pair of severe cheekbones in their toast, it was because Angelina Jolie and her flock of SITs (saints-in-training) walked among us regulars yesterday. St. Angie brought 5 of her wingless angels (Maddox stayed home with Daddy Brad) to the Los Angeles premiere for Kung Fu Panda 3. They didn’t stroll down the red carpet with Angie – us mere humans can only handle so much blessing. But they did leave the theater together, which I’m sure is Heaven’s equivalent to seeing pictures of the Royal Family on the Buckingham Palace balcony.

The appearance of St. Angie at the Kung Fu Panda 3 premiere isn’t that surprising (bitch has a movie to pimp); I am, however, surprised her kids found the time. According to the Daily Mail, Shilo and Zahara have been busy sponsoring a Cambodian family. Apparently they were approached by a 16-year-old girl while they were getting ice cream in Siem Reap with Daddy Brad, and were so moved by her story that they took her and her 12 brothers and sisters shopping for new clothes and bikes. That’s technically enough to earn them 8 gold stars and honorary sainthood. But I guess they had an open spot on their philanthropy schedules and wanted to put in a little extra charity work, so they swung by the premier with their mom.

Here’s more of Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones and five kids whose faces are probably already on prayer cards, as well as a bunch of non-holy types and their kids, like Jack Black and Kate Hudson.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Early 80s Escort Ad Glamour Brought To You By Brad Pitt

October 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Here’s Brad Pitt looking like a seasoned gay hustler circa 1980 who advertises as a “Robert Redford lookalike” in the back pages of the Village Voice. What I’m saying is that Brad Pitt hasn’t looked this glamorous in a long time.

The Brangeloonie holiday season known as Brangemas has officially begun, because St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith Get Artsy comes out next month and so they’ve begun whoring it out. St. Angie already did the cover of Vogue and now it’s Brad Pitt’s turn to deliver some “freshmen at Barbizon” moves in a magazine. V Magazine released a few pictures and a few not-so-juicy quotes from the interview:

On making an ULTRA DRAMATIC 70s perfume commercial about the death of a marriage right after getting married: “It was probably not the wisest way to spend a honeymoon. But then again, fighting to make something together… What better metaphor for marriage? It’s not a film that responds to the current zeitgeist or storytelling-rather, a quiet, mature look at the challenges of love and adult loss.”

On why they decided to do By The Sea together: “The plan was to make something together, with complete autonomy, in the footsteps of Gena [Rowlands] and John [Cassavetes] – and keep it a family affair. We, by our own admission, were overdue. If I’m going to work, I want to work with my wife.

On how he’s got his PhD in boozing: “I play a good drunk because I’ve been a good drunk.”

On taking direction from St. Angie: “It’s surprising how much I enjoy the direction of my wife. She’s decisive, incredibly intuitive, knife-sharp, and might I say, sexy at her post. I trust her with my life.”

I threw an “uh huh” at Brad Pitt saying he loves it when St. Angie orders him round and tells him what to do. V should ask him the same question when he acts up and St. Angie makes him go into the time out corner where he throws a silent tantrum and punches the air because he knows she’s going to put him on weed restriction for a week. I bet he doesn’t like her bossing him around then!

Here’s more of Brad Pitt doing his best Robert Redford in V as well as pictures of St. Angie and the child army at LAX yesterday.

Pics: Inez & Vinoodh/V Magazine, Splash

St. Angie Jolie And Her Entire Holy Family Are In “Vogue”

October 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Since I know all of you go to church every single Sunday morning, don’t be too surprised when you find that all the Bibles in the pews have been replaced with November’s issue of Vogue. Who needs those stupid Psalms or whatever when you’ve got pictures of the entire chosen family to cleanse your dirty soul and wash away all your sins. Annie Leibovitz took all the pictures of Dame St. Angie Jolie and her child army frolicking along the beach in costumes. We should just go ahead and say goodbye to the Pacific Ocean right now. Because the hardcore Brangeloonies are going to make a pilgrimage to the California beach where these pictures were taken and are going to guzzle that water down since it was blessed by the feet of these earth deities.

St. Angie’s in November’s issue of Vogue, because she’s pushing that long-form 70s perfume commercial called By The Sea. I skimmed through the interview and she talks about the movie a little bit, but she mostly talks about saving the world and she also gets into talking about how she got her ovaries removed a few months ago.

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BREAKING: James Haven Was At The Holy Wedding Of The Century After All

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Okay, so I can stop sending hate mail to “St. Angie, c/o God, Heaven, 051322″ (Yes, Heaven’s zip code is Bea Arthur’s born day and that’s no coincidence) for not inviting her brother and the human equivalent of STAINS, James Haven, to her wedding, because it turns out he was at her wedding and sat in the front row. Earth, that’s your cue to start spinning again.

When E! News squirted out details of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding in France, they said that mutated white dog turd Jon Voight wasn’t there, because he wasn’t invited, but they didn’t say anything about James Haven. But this morning, Lainey posted scans from Brangie’s wedding spread in Hello! and there was the bulgey-eyed distinguished salamander standing in the front row and looking off into the distance, because he knew that if he laid his Slinky Dink eyes on St. Angie, he wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to suck the bride’s face and he wanted to save that move for when they danced to the “Flowers In The Attic” theme song during the reception.

E! claims that Shiloh and the boys of the Child Army wore cream linen suits and I knew that had to be wrong, because the child army would never dress like a Southern grandpa going to Easter service. Instead, they dressed up like a cross between Justin Timberlake during his copy + paste Robin Thicke phase and Amish businessmen.

And here’s a pic of Maddox and Shiloh getting the giggles during the ceremony.

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They’re either laughing because they know their parents are about to bring the grossness by doing kissing stuff or they got contact stoned from standing so close to Brad Pitt. Or Maddox is laughing because he just looked at his mom’s mess of a dress and spotted the doodle he drew of a single tear falling into a bowl of cake batter (a wink to his former arch rival Aniston).

And here’s Brad giving you Weekend At Bernie’s chic while leaving a hotel in NYC on Sunday.

Pics: Splash

“Calm Down Everyone, There’s Enough Messiah Blessings To Go Around!”

June 21, 2014 / Posted by:

St. Angie and the child army have landed in Tokyo for the Japanese premiere of Maleficent, but I get the feeling they’ll end up cancelling the whole thing, since no 90-minute movie can compete with watching the twin messiahs walk through the airport. How do you say “This is the happiest day of my life” in Japanese? I bet they heard that 89,000 times from the arrival gate to baggage claim.

I hope Pope Francis doesn’t have any long-term plans for Castle Jesus like building a moat or remodelling the kitchen, because it looks like his time in Vatican City is limited now that Knox Jolie-Pitt is old enough to walk, smile, wave, and beam rays of pure blessed light. Fortunately, Pope Francis only has to worry about losing his job to one of the messiahs; Vivienne Jolie-Pitt has no time for waving and smiling or blessing people. Besides, she’s more interested in taking over the family business by becoming a Saint, like her mother.

And for those of you questioning whether or not the chosen ones are getting a bit old to be carrying around baby blankies, those aren’t actually blankies. They’re detachable angel wings (it just makes things easier when you’re going through security).

Here’s more of the holy family gracing the lucky people of Tokyo with their flawless perfection this morning. If you live in Japan and you see everyone dumping maneki-nekos into the trash, it’s because they’re being replaced with ceramic figures of Knox waving.

Pics: Splash

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