The title of Sara Gilbert’s future memoirs will be, “David From Roseanne Turned Me Into a Lesbian,” because she confessed on The Talk yesterday that she realized that peen isn’t really for her while making out with Johnny Galecki. If Sara wasn’t a lesbian, making out with Johnny still would’ve been weird since they have the exact same mouth. They’re mouth twins!
“Secret Week” on The Talk continues! Sharon Osbourne confessed that she rode Jay Leno’s erect chin once. Aisha Tyler talked about her struggle to get pregnant. The Chenbot confessed to cutting some of the Chinese out of her eyes. Sheryl Underwood confessed that her born name is Noxeema Jackson, and yesterday Sara Gilbert spoke out about coming to terms with her gayelleness. Sara said that while she and Johnny worked together on Roseanne, they dated for a second or two. They used to make out and she knew something wasn’t right when sucking on Johnny’s face made her sad. The thing about making out when you’re not into it is that the other ho can usually tell you’re not into it. The trick who’s not into it closes their eyes really tight, recoils a little bit and swallows your face the same way a Fear Factor contestant swallows a rat hair milkshake. They don’t want to be doing it, but they’re going to do it fast and get it over with. (Yes, I’m typing from experience). Johnny knew Sara wasn’t into it and when he asked her about it, she told him the truth.
“Johnny felt badly and started to take it personally and didn’t understand what was going on. So I eventually told him that I thought it was about my sexuality and he was super sweet about it. And then we were doing Roseanne and I started dating a woman who was 18 years older than I was and also in the public eye and something that people could’ve found out about. No one knew at the show for years. Johnny held the secret the whole time and I just felt always so scared if it came out. What could happen? Could I lose my career? Would I ever be able to play a straight role again?”
Sara said when she decided to share the story on The Talk, she called up Johnny to ask his permission:
“I called him and I just said, ‘Is it okay? I’m thinking about talking about this and the story sort of starts with you. And I gotta say that I made out with you and got depressed, which is kind of a bummer.’ And he said, ‘Yeah, of course! I love you and I think it’s really important. I’m so proud of you. If you want, I’ll be there with you and I’ll hold your hand.’ And I just thought that was so sweet.”
We all know that Johnny didn’t “turn” Sara into a lesbian since that’s not possible, but I will still help him prove that he doesn’t have that power. I will make out with Johnny and I guarantee you I won’t immediately want to rinse my mouth out with coochie afterward. But I cannot guarantee that after making out with my gross ass, Johnny won’t become a-sexual and vow to never touch tongues with another living thing.
Here’s Sara, who’s quickly morphing into her fiancee Linda Perry, sharing her story on The Talk:
Anybody who has seen old pictures of Julie Chen knows that her face was tucked, rotated, plucked, snipped, pulled and covered with an extra thick coat of candle wax and matte shellac. On The Talk yesterday, the Chenbot admitted what everyone has known for years: she’s had plastic surgery before. But the Chenbot said that she only went under a plastic surgeon’s scalpel because a producer and an agent told her she looked too Chinese to get ahead. I fully expect Aaryn Gries’ mother to issue a 500-word statement about this.
As part of “secret week” on The Talk, Julie spilled the truth about her face. She said that when she was a 25-year-old local news reporter at an ABC affiliate in Dayton, OH, she tried to get ahead by asking her news director if she could ever fill in at the anchor desk. Julie’s news director, who I’m guessing is Aaryn’s uncle, told her she would never sit at the anchor desk because she’s Chinese. He said that there’s barely any Chinese people in Dayton, so she’s not relatable at all to the community. He also told her that her Asian eyes made her look bored and disinterested.
The Chenbot wanted to get away from that news director and move to another station, so she met with some huge agent. The agent basically told her the same thing. He told her that the only way he’d represent her is if she got plastic surgery to make her eyes bigger, so she did it. Right after the Chenbot did what tons of Korean girls have done, her career started to take off. The Chenbot says that she sometimes feels guilty for “giving in to the man,” which made Sheryl “I Hate My Nappy Hair” Underwood say, “You didn’t give in to the man, Julie, because you don’t know about giving in to the man.” Translation: You can’t say that, because you’re not black, bitch. Whatever, the fuckery that comes out of Sheryl Underwood’s mouth is a discussion for another day.
Julie then said that she’s proud to be Chinese and she has no regrets about getting her eyelids cut and pulled. Here’s the clip and I love it only for Aisha Tyler saying everything with a side-eye.
So Julie basically said that getting eyelid surgery helped her career and started it all for her. Okay, but getting an extra large Bumpit surgically implanted into her skull and marrying Les Moonves also turned her into the world famous Chenbot she is today.