It’s no secret that Leonardo DiCaprio worked harder for his Oscar nomination this year than….I’m not sure what, actually. Nothing works harder than Leonardo DiCaprio trying to get an Oscar. Leo worked his yacht-lounging ass off during the making of The Revenant. Leo damn near froze to death. Leo ate raw bison livers. Leo had to rassle a bear. I haven’t seen The Revenant, but I’m sure Leo busts out some ugly cry face too. Leo was probably feeling pretty good about all the acting overtime he put in too. That is until Matt Damon swooped in and, like my over-it friend when I tried to milk a twisted ankle for three weeks, reminded him he needs to stop being so fucking dramatic.
Vanity Fair says that Matt Damon joked about Leo’s “OMG I worked so haaard” award season hustle during his introduction of The Martian director Ridley Scott at the Director’s Guild Awards on Saturday night. Both Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio have both been nominated for all the same Best Actor awards this year, but according to Matt, he didn’t have to suck back bison organs to get his.
“Every night at 6 o’clock, the horn blew and Ridley and I went to dinner. And that’s how you make a movie, and we finished the film really early and we saved 2 million bucks. And Leo – we weren’t cold at all. I’m just sayin’. There’s another way to do it.”
Well that’s easy for Matt to say – he already has an Oscar! He doesn’t know what it’s like to lay awake at night, tossing and turning on top of a pile of naked models, wonder what he’s got to do to win one. “Do I have to beat off a goddamn CGI bear while looking like something that was pulled out of a bus station toilet??? Cause I’ll do it!”
Here’s Leo DiCaprio, who probably got a major boner from the sight of all those Oscar silhouettes, and Matt Damon, who looks like a dude who wants to sell you a 36-month lease on a Kia Sedona, at the Oscars nominee luncheon yesterday.
Sorry, I should have been more clear; he came for the Disney corporation, not Walt Disney himself. Although the mental image of George Lucas cussing out the ghost of Walt Disney in a parking lot while Mickey Mouse shouts “Get him, Walt! Whoop his ass!” from the hood of a car isn’t the worst thing my brain has thought up today.
George Lucas’ interview with Charlie Rose happened on the 25th, but since we all spent Christmas day in a turkey coma (we = me, and anyone else who mainlines gravy), we’re not getting to it until today. However, I think you’ll consider it was worth the wait in the event you really wanted to kiss goodbye to 2015 with a story about a jowly old billionaire reading Disney to filth.
Since I’m pretty sure there’s a journalism law that says you can’t interview The Father of Star Wars without asking him about the newest Star Wars movie, Charlie Rose brought up Star Wars: The Force Awakens. And guess what? George didn’t like it. According to George, Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a “retro movie” and a cash-grab that pandered to the fans. George says that if George was still in charge, his idea for Star Wars: The Force Awakens would have been to make it “completely different, with different planets, with different spaceships, make it new.” But George couldn’t do that because George sold the Star Wars franchise to the house of mouse back in 2012 for $4 billion. Although as you’ll hear around the 2:00 mark, he uses a completely different nickname for them.
“The white slavers“? Oh boy. Somewhere on Naboo, George’s best pal Jar Jar Binks is like “Err…meesa don’t know him.”
You can watch all 55 minutes of Salty George’s interview here. Or if you’d rather be the one saying “This is such a crappy cash-grab” for 55 minutes, skip George’s interview and watch the first 55 minutes of the Star Wars holiday special instead.
Usually when I think of the word ugly, my brain immediately pulls out the old Pictonary pad and starts sketching the look of disgust I get from my server at Cracker Barrel every time I ask if the kitchen can mix some sawmill gravy into the scrambled eggs in my Sunrise Sampler. But apparently there is one person who looks at Amy Schumer’s Made by Xavier Roberts face and get the dry heaves.
I should clarify; that makes it sound like Ronda Rousey was like “I want to celebrate a fight well fought by taking a trip to the hospital. Maybe they’ll give me a tour of the X-ray room?” No, Ronda Rousey took the way less fun kind of trip to the hospital.
So last night, full-time MMA fighter and part-time Floyd Mayweather Jr. dragger Ronda Rousey fought another MMA fighter named Holly Holm in Australia. From what I know about MMA fighting (ie: what I learned from the 1985 film Gymkata), it is my understanding that Ronda Rousey is good at her job. Well, nobody’s good at their job all the time, and according to TMZ, she got knocked the fuck out in the second round. Unfortunately, it was the kind of knockout that made everyone start whispering “shit shit shit, she has travel insurance, right?“, and about two seconds after they rang the bell, an ambulance hauled Ronda Rousey’s ass to the hospital.
TMZ says Ronda didn’t speak to the press after the fight, but a rep for UFC released a statement on her behalf saying that she was taken to the hospital as a precautionary measure. TMZ says Ronda didn’t have a concussion, but she had a huge gash in the middle of her lip and she was kept overnight in the hospital. They also have some pictures (not safe for people who get the heaves at the sight of blood) of Ronda Rousey’s busted face, if that’s something you want to see.
Now let’s add a layer off random to this story, shall we? Shortly after Ronda was knocked out, Lady Gaga grabbed her disco stick and started poking at Ronda on Instagram.
Here’s Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm (whose names totally sound like they were created by Stan Lee) a few days before their fight at an open training session in Melbourne.
Martha Stewart could teach a master class on not giving a single fuck. Martha will drag a bitch-ass trick who tries to come for her artisanal oven-roasted crown, she keeps the bathroom door open while she pisses, and now we know that she definitely doesn’t fuck with people getting in the way while she prepares a delicious autumnal sangria. Martha Stewart showed up on Ellen on Friday to pimp out her new book Appetizers, and of course she made some appetizers. She also made everyone in the audience want to reach for a warm blanket after she dropped the temperature in the studio to below freezing while icing out Drew Barrymore.
For some reason, Martha was only feeling Ellen DeGeneres. As you can see above, it’s like they’re at a party at Ellen’s house, and Martha is ratting out Drew for taking a massive crab cake dump and plugging the toilet. She’s like “I’m pretty sure she snatched a few pills from the medicine cabinet too.” You can watch the awkward trainwreck unfold below.
I have watched this video four times, and I honestly cannot tell what the fuck Martha was making because I was too busy watching Drew trying to get Martha’s attention and Martha straight-up ignoring her ass. Drew could have poured that pitcher of sangria over Martha’s head, and she would have kept on going as if nothing had happened.
Finally, after nearly four minutes of playing the Lea Michele to Martha’s Jessica Lange, Drew shrugs and starts drinking. Although I’m sure she could have picked up that giant bowl of popcorn, snuck off backstage to the green room, and returned at the end of the segment. Really, it’s not like Martha would have noticed she was gone.
If you’re a ho (or a ho at heart) who woke up with a little extra pep in your step this morning, this would be the reason why. The Amber Rose SlutWalk was held in downtown Los Angeles earlier today by proud slut type Amber Rose to celebrate a slut’s choice to be a shameless tramp. Well, technically it’s a walk to fight against “sexual injustice, victim blaming, derogatory labeling and gender inequality” according to the Amber Rose SlutWalk website. But I can’t imagine she’d have a problem with my description of it, because there’s no shame in the tramp game.
To be completely honest, I am SHOCKED that this is what Amber Rose wore to the SlutWalk. This is downright demure compared to Amber Rose’s usual wardrobe. I was fully expecting her to march through the streets wearing nothing but a set of nipple pasties and a g-string made from a single piece of dental floss. Although I can’t totally hate on that black satin slip thing, because it looks like something Vampirella would wear to her great uncle’s funeral after her friends assured her it was modest enough, and that’s a pretty good look.
Of course, if seeing Amber Rose dressed in her boudoir best isn’t enough to warm your heart, please enjoy this picture of Amber Rose’s mama ripping a hot slutty fart all over Kanye West.
In case you’ve forgotten, “Fuck yo 30 showers” is a reference to the time Kanye hissed that he had to take 30 showers after he left Amber and got with Kim Kardashian. Sadly, Amber’s mom’s message will never reach Kanye, since Kanye’s assistant Kim will no doubt keep getting distracted by the exclamation point every time she tries to read it (“It’s my favorite cause it looks like a dick!“).
Here’s more of Amber Rose at the Amber Rose SlutWalk. Also, Nick Cannon was there. Sure, why not.
I don’t really listen to Rage Against The Machine and my ears would close up for good if I ever tried to listen Limp Bizkit (they are dead to me for butchering, slaughtering, disemboweling and shitting on a George Michael song), but I live for some good old-fashioned bitchy hate. Limp Bizkit has covered RATM’s “Killing In The Name” over 100 times and last year, the human embodiment of a dutch oven, Fred Durst, told the audience at one of their shows that RATM is the rap-rock band that “started this shit.” Fred Durst has made it clear that RATM planted the seed that helped create Limp Bizkit. Well, the feeling continues to not be mutual.
Having to stand and talk to Giuliana Rancic on that hot-as-fuck Emmy red carpet last night sounds like the epitome of HELL to me, so I’m genuinely shocked that most famous types didn’t pull an “I don’t know her” as they hauled ass indoors and started humping the nearest AC vent. Thankfully some people, like American Horror Story’s Sarah Paulson, thought ahead and brought their own shade.
Sarah stopped and talked to Clippy’s sister, and the heat truly removes all fucks from one’s system, because their interview was just one giant “No, bitch” moment. Shortly after Giuliana reminded everyone that Sarah has been nominated – and lost – four times, she asked Sarah (who was nominated for playing conjoined twins Bette and Dot on AHS: Freak Show) if she’ll get two Emmy awards if she wins. Rather than look at her in the face and low-whisper “Are you serious?“, Sarah gifted us with this beautiful soul hug:
Sarah Paulson with an outstanding subtweet of Giuliana Rancic. pic.twitter.com/45KEpgPwH3
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 20, 2015
Did anyone think to check Giuliana for frostbite, because that was ice cold. “No, sorry sweetie” PLUS that voice? Even shade queen Jessica Lange is slow-clapping for that one. Of course, Sarah didn’t win (Regina King did instead), but she took home an even better award: Outstanding Achievement in Making Shit Awkward with Giuliana Rancic. “Welcome to the club!” hollered Elisabeth Moss.
Here’s more of the Luke to Jessica Lange’s Yoda, as well as Giuliana in some low-budget JLo cosplay on the red carpet last night.
Finally, a story that will lift your soul high and carry you into Saturday night on a cloud of YAASSSSSS.
TMZ says that living legend Patti LaBelle was performing in Vancouver last night, and she invited a few fans on stage to bump and grind during “Lady Marmalade.” Sadly, Patti’s security team didn’t exactly screen said fans well enough, because Patti found herself face to face with an aspiring stripper. Patti has professionalism pumping through her veins, so instead of throwing a handful of crumpled up $1 bills at him, she stopped her band, hissed “Don’t you dare“, and laid into his ass. She also came for Nicki Minaj’s ass and Miley Cyrus’ barely-there ass. Patti came for everybody, because Patti LaBelle is NOT here for anybody’s trashy hobag stripper antics!
“Or that little…um…Miley….” Well??? That little what? Hussy? It was totally hussy, wasn’t it Patti?
I absolutely loved it when that dude pretended to flash his ass at Patti and she hollered “Get off of my god-darned stage, BITCH!” It’s like she knew she was in Canada, so she tried to keep it polite by saying “darned“, but then her heart stepped in and reminded her that Patti LaBelle keeps it real, thus giving us that epic “BITCH” at the end.
The only thing I don’t get is Patti’s comment about stripper dude being brought to her by The Devil (at least that’s what I got from it). Is she trying to say that Hell is filled with strippers who bust it out to “Lady Marmalade“? Patti, I don’t know – that sounds more like Heaven to me.
Iggy Azalea (the Japanese humanoid robot in a pink-tipped blond wig on the left) has been on a roll and is probably developing Madge arms from digging her own grave. Iggy got kicked out of Pittsburgh Pride for some dumb shit she said on Twitter a while ago and she had to scrap her tour, because apparently tickets weren’t selling and working with her was about as fun as a nutsack waxing. Iggy should probably stay away from pissing off tricks in the music industry, but since the Botox ate the tiny bit of sense she had left, she decided to come for Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of Cheetos slapped a bitch back.
Iggy yanked at Brit Brit Spears’ weave on Twitter a few days ago when one of her followers said that their song together “Pretty Girls” flopped a little. Iggy put the blame on Brit Brit for not wanting to whore it out. When The Pop Zone said that Iggy was shading Brit Brit, she tweeted back with: “my comment is factual, it applies to any song. I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend, do i? bye girls.” (Dumb fuck Iggy obviously doesn’t know anything about friendship, because 24/7 salad tossing is the key to a long-lasting friendly relationship.)
Well, Team Brit Brit responded to Iggy with a beautiful piece of true shade with a dollop of burn cream on top. Brit Brit pulled a subtle “Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of” by reminding Iggy who’s got the word “CANCELED” next to their concert dates on Ticketmaster and who doesn’t. Git that trick, Brit’s Twitter writer:
Can’t wait to get back to Vegas. So thankful I have shows for the rest of the year to look forward to… #YouWantAPieceOfMe
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) June 29, 2015
Daddy Spears better drop off a $30 Starbucks gift card and a Costco-sized box of Slim Jims next to the cubicle of the shade master who is responsible for scalping Iggy in less than 140 characters. I’d like to think that badass bitch Jamie Lynn Spears wrote that tweet on her phone right before she pulled out a knife to break up another fight at Pita Pita.