Iggy Azalea (the Japanese humanoid robot in a pink-tipped blond wig on the left) has been on a roll and is probably developing Madge arms from digging her own grave. Iggy got kicked out of Pittsburgh Pride for some dumb shit she said on Twitter a while ago and she had to scrap her tour, because apparently tickets weren’t selling and working with her was about as fun as a nutsack waxing. Iggy should probably stay away from pissing off tricks in the music industry, but since the Botox ate the tiny bit of sense she had left, she decided to come for Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of Cheetos slapped a bitch back.
Iggy yanked at Brit Brit Spears’ weave on Twitter a few days ago when one of her followers said that their song together “Pretty Girls” flopped a little. Iggy put the blame on Brit Brit for not wanting to whore it out. When The Pop Zone said that Iggy was shading Brit Brit, she tweeted back with: “my comment is factual, it applies to any song. I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend, do i? bye girls.” (Dumb fuck Iggy obviously doesn’t know anything about friendship, because 24/7 salad tossing is the key to a long-lasting friendly relationship.)
Well, Team Brit Brit responded to Iggy with a beautiful piece of true shade with a dollop of burn cream on top. Brit Brit pulled a subtle “Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of” by reminding Iggy who’s got the word “CANCELED” next to their concert dates on Ticketmaster and who doesn’t. Git that trick, Brit’s Twitter writer:
Can’t wait to get back to Vegas. So thankful I have shows for the rest of the year to look forward to… #YouWantAPieceOfMe
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) June 29, 2015
Daddy Spears better drop off a $30 Starbucks gift card and a Costco-sized box of Slim Jims next to the cubicle of the shade master who is responsible for scalping Iggy in less than 140 characters. I’d like to think that badass bitch Jamie Lynn Spears wrote that tweet on her phone right before she pulled out a knife to break up another fight at Pita Pita.
Even though she appeared to be throwing a “Pedo, please” side-eye during the BET Awards last night, Tracee Ellis Ross would like to make it very clear she wasn’t doing that on purpose. In case you missed it, Tracee Ellis Ross’ maybe-shade moment happened as she was introducing a performance by Tyga and Chris Brown. For some reason, right before Tracee said Tyga’s name, she paused and looked off stage, then gritted her teeth. I like to imagine her mother makes the exact same face whenever she tells someone that she’s related to the Simpson family.
Can we revisit that shade moment right quick? pic.twitter.com/1oieqmFiu3
— Craig™ (@SmokeeRobinson) June 29, 2015
Of course, shortly after Tracee announced Tyga and Chris Brown’s performance, the internet assumed that was Tracee’s way of popping open a tiny cocktail umbrella and throwing an itty bitty hint of shade at Tyga. But Tracee says no. Tracee posted a video on Instagram of her trying to pronounce Tyga’s name and explained that she doesn’t hate him.
“Absolutely not thowing shade at @kinggoldchains (I’m not the shade throwing type) as u might remember from my TMurda “further exploration” video I have trouble saying his name right & I was nervous. I was hosting a live show. I was fighting in my head cause I was so scared I would say it the wrong way. That would have been awful. Saw him as he came off stage and there was nothing but love. You rock Tyga.”
“Would it have killed her to name drop his underage girlfriend while she was at it???” hissed Kris Jenner.
I think it’s pretty obvious that Tracee wasn’t throwing shade. If she wanted to, she wouldn’t have done it herself. She would have called legendary diva Diana Ross to the stage to do it for her. If you have access to the best, you get the best. The best part is, Tyga would have never even have known he was being shaded, because Diana Ross wouldn’t have even read his name off the teleprompter.
Because I don’t want to leave you with the taste of Tyga in your mouth, here’s Tracee walking the BET Awards red carpet before the show with Anthony Anderson.
I’m completely reading into something Ryan Murphy said in an interview with Deadline. As far as Jessica Lange is concerned, woman is done and Lady Gaga’s moving into American Horror Story Hotel. But there are dreams, we can have dreams. I can’t…can’t…reconcile ConstanceJudeFionaElsa being replaced with Gaga as a downtrodden chambermaid or the lifeguard. It’s just not right. I think I’d rather Madge check in and trip over balloons while accompanied by half-hearted cameo overlays from Beyonce and Miley. Anyway, what he said to fill us with false hope:
“Well, all I can say about that never say never with Jessica. She and I are doing something else right now. I’m producing a production of A Long Day’s Journey Into Night, that is one of her dream roles. She’s done it before and she wanted to do it again and I got the rights for her, we’re going to do that on Broadway. So we’re working again together, and I think if I went to Jessica and I had an amazing role, I think she would do it. I think she wanted some time off, but Jessica is somebody that is always about the role, in every season on this show.”
Considering the Casual Female XL shade that Jessica and her complete and total lack of fucks cast when asked about Gaga’s chances of success in replacing her, I wouldn’t bank on her ringing that front desk bell.
There is good news, though. Denis O’Hare (Burned Guy, necrobutler Spaulding, the con dude with the huge dick that they turned into a chicken last season) is back, as is Finn Wittrock. Dandy was an irritating-as-fuck character, but Finn Wittrock’s buttocks were not. So there’s that. (OH GOD, PLEASE COME BACK, JESSICA LANGE!)
Oh, and The Daily Beast asked Jessica about the aforementioned verbal bored wave she gave Gaga. Follow the jump for a master class in how to avoid answering a question until the bitter end (as well as more pics of Gaga).
That’s not stage smoke: that’s dust being excitedly queefed from Madonna’s down-lows after she realized how much attention she could whore out of that kiss with Drake. On Saturday, Madonna did a Q&A for AskAnythingChat, and one of the things she was asked was about that time she mouth humped on an immobilized Wheelchair Jimmy during his set at Coachella. No, the question wasn’t “To whom should I send my therapy bills?”. It was “Is Drake a good kisser?“. Because Madonna is basically the shamelessly bitchy version of The Giving Tree (aka she gives no fucks and only gets shadier with age), she answered:
“Is Drake a good kisser? I kissed a girl, and I liked it.”
And it gets shadier! Later on, Madonna was asked what advice she’d give her younger self knowing what she knows now, and she answered:
“Don’t kiss Drake, no matter how many times he begs you to.”
It all happens around the 2:10 and 7:59 marks. Off topic thought: whatever Vaseline-coated soap opera camera lens they used to shoot Madonna is really working for her face. Even the blur tool in Photoshop is like “How???”
Somewhere in The 6, Drake has thrown himself face-first onto a pile of teddy bears and Raptors jerseys and is crying tears of pure maple syrup while he sobs “How could I be so STUPID? Of course she’d kiss and tell! And since when is texting 13 times a night every night for 2 weeks begging?”
Poor Drake. You truly are the Taylor Swift of…something something. I don’t know where I was going with that analogy. To be honest, I got a little distracted picturing those delicious maple syrup tears.
Elizabeth Banks has been in the Hunger Games movies, she stole scenes in 30 Rock, she was in the masterpiece that is Wet Hot American Summer and she directed the Pitch Perfect sequel, which will probably make 30 trillion dollars. She’s also the actress my mom always refers to as Al Bundy’s daughter in Modern Family. Some might say that Elizabeth Banks is at the top. But well, has she been in Sharknado 1 AND 2? No. Can she create a paparazzi frenzy (read: 1 pap taking a dozen pictures while waiting for someone from Vanderpump Rules to show) by posing with fellow A-lister Bai Ling? I think not. Is she a 3-time Razzie nominee? Nope.
Elizabeth Banks knows all of that and it eats at her insides. She probably wakes up in the middle of the night wondering where her career went wrong. Elizabeth couldn’t hide her jealousy anymore and during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter to promote Pitch Perfect 2, it all come out when she said this:
“There was a group of us girls coming up. A lot of us are surviving. Some of us are not. I used to go to auditions with Tara Reid. So, you know, we didn’t all make it. We’re not all still here. I do love Sharknado.”
Surprisingly, Tara Reid found time in her busy schedule to comment on this wrong diss. Tara responded by saying, “Elizabeth who?” No, Tara said that she’s a fan and she doesn’t understand why Elizabeth Banks would slap at her like that. Like I said before, the answer is: PURE JEALOUSY. Elizabeth Banks wishes she was in The Hungover Games instead of The Hunger Games, which nobody cares about! Elizabeth also wishes that her pussy game was so good that it got men fired from their job.
And guess what? None of them have to do with him being a good fashion designer. Shocking, I know. People asked Kelly Cutrone, aka Lauren and Whitney’s bitchy boss on The Hills who seriously looked completely over it 99.9% of the time, what she thought of Kanye West’s latest attempt at being a fashion designer, and she blew this beautiful slap-scented air kiss to Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband:
“I’m not into his fashion thing. I think he’s fine as a rapper. I think he’s a joke as a fashion designer.”
Be still my beating heart. But Cunty Cuntrone wasn’t done dragging Kanye just yet; when asked if she liked the shoes he did, Kelly hissed:
“I mean, it’s not, he’s not legit. Have you seen the product? Didn’t he have his own line in London, which was a disaster that he spent $10 million to do, that no one wore?”
Then like a true bitch, Kelly yanked the wig right off Kanye’s head by telling that no-talent trick to go back to rapping, while also throwing a little shade in Diddy’s direction:
“I just think that you should stay focused at what you’re good at. Just because you’re a good rapper doesn’t mean you’re going to be a good fashion designer. I mean, we’ve seen that over and over. Sean John is a really successful line, but you know, no one in the fashion industry is waking up and going, ‘Hey did you get that … did you like, trade up your Moncler for your Sean John?’ No. Nobody’s saying that.
I’m sure at this very moment, Amber Rose is thinking: “Yaaaassss bitch, do Khloe Kardashian next! Open the library and read her to filth!”
But even though Kelly’s review of Kanye’s stupid fashion show killed me, buried me, and brought me back to life, it’s still nowhere near as perfect as one he got from his own daughter.
Former frosted-tipped douche fashion vanguard and current panty model David Beckham appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday night to talk about being a delicate-voiced DILF or something, and Jimmy Kimmel made a sarcastic joke about how he’s really let himself go since retiring from soccer in 2013. However, what Jimmy didn’t know is that his joke about being a fat would hit a little too close to home.
David confessed that after he recently took a bath with his 3-year-old daughter Harper Seven Eight Nine Beckham, she looked at her grotesque lardass of a father and hissed: “Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t like you, you’re so chubby.” Yeah, are we sure it wasn’t actually Victoria Beckham throwing her voice while hiding behind a toothbrush? “Oooh, Daddy, it looks like you’ve gained 1/16th of a stone, you hideous slob. No more lemon and water smoothies for you, tubby.” Or maybe she was just delivering a subtle message from Auntie Anna Wintour. “Harper, I’ll put your mommy and daddy on the cover of American VOGUE, but daddy needs to lose a couple pounds first, capiche?”
You can hear the story of Harper fat-shaming her naked father at the 0:24 mark:
He also went on to talk about how he’s basically an Uber driver now that he’s retired. That’s probably why Harper read his ass in the bath – she was just getting him back for the terrible service she received the last time he drove her to nursery school. That’s what you get for forgetting to offer your passenger a bottle of water, David!
Here’s Harper’s so chubby daddy on his way into Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night:
Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi
At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:
“Britney, cause she dances.”
I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.
Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?”
But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:
“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”
Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.
Life legend Annie Lennox has once again put on her skipper hat and set sail on the S.S. No-Fucks-Given bound for the shady shores of Truth Island. During a discussion on the UK show Loose Women (via E! News) about Madonna’s recent Slutty Motel Memaw photoshoot for Interview Magazine, 59-year-old Annie admitted that while she’s all for being naked, she questioned Madonna’s motives for taking her 56-year-old tits out. “DUH! Because a desperate middle-aged ho is desperate for attention!” screamed all of us, including Madonna.
Annie then said it’s not her place to judge (Annie Lennox is a living breathing Kermit meme, apparently) but would love to know whyyyyy-y-y-y-y-y Madonna feels the need to keep flashing her Photoshopped nips at our eyes:
“I think already the verdict is probably out. Would you not agree on that one?” Lennox asked. “I think the question is, ‘What is Madonna telling us? Anybody know?'”
That’s when one of the other panelists, Janet Street-Porter, answered: “I think it’s attention seeking” (this just in: Captain Obvious lives in the UK and uses the alias “Janet Street-Porter”). To which Annie agreed, saying:”I think it is.” And that’s when, in a perfect world, Madonna would have popped out of a decorative plant wearing an all-straps latex bra and exclaimed in her wonderful fake British accent: “You’re both correct! Congratulations! Now who wants to see a picture of my fanny?”
I understand what Annie Lennox is feeling, because I too wonder why Madonna is forever reminding us about her Photoshopped fuck parts, but I think it might be one of life’s mysteries that we’re not meant to know. I bet that 2 million years from now, aliens will still be trying to figure it out. “Gleep-glorp, it doesn’t make any sense! Why did she need so much attention? And why does this picture of a 98-year-old Madonna not have a single wrinkle or age spot?“
Gwyneth Paltrow Slaps Back At Martha Stewart’s “Conscious Coupling Pie” With A Recipe For “Jailbird Cake”
The passive-aggressive rich white lady food feud continues! Back in October, life inspiration and OG Martha Stewart came for snobby cup of cultured almond milk Gwyneth Paltrow by publishing a feature on Thanksgiving pie recipes in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living titled “Conscious Coupling“. And yesterday, Gwyneth took out her earrings (“Here Tracy, hold my $12,050 Harry Winston pink diamond studs“) and took a swipe at Martha by posting a recipe for “Jailbird Cake” to GOOP.com. First pies, now cakes? Damn, these bitches fight dirty!
Goopy’s Jailbird Cake was included in a collection of four no-bake Thanksgiving desserts, which she describes as “un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they’re all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing.” Oooh, it sounds like someone’s been taking lessons from Miss Anna’s School of Backhanded Shade! “Jailbird cake” = “Un-goop” = “What was jail like, Martha? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been!” cackles Gwyneth from the reading room in the guest house at Castle Goopskull. For someone who looks like a sun-bleached sea shell, she sure can throw shade.
My only problem with Gwyneth’s Jailbird Cake (aside from the fact that it looks like a sloppy plate of zebra dookie) is that it features nothing you would find in prison. If you’re going to shade Martha Stewart by making something called Jailbird Cake, you make that shit authentic! Instead of chocolate wafers, whipped cream, sugar, and vanilla, it should have been made with a handful of factory damaged sandwich cookies given to you by your cellmate after they licked all the cream out, “whipped topping”, 20-year-old packets of NutriSweet, and vanilla-flavored lube. That’s how you make a Jailbird Cake.