Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi
At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:
“Britney, cause she dances.”
I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.
Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?”
But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:
“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”
Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.
Life legend Annie Lennox has once again put on her skipper hat and set sail on the S.S. No-Fucks-Given bound for the shady shores of Truth Island. During a discussion on the UK show Loose Women (via E! News) about Madonna’s recent Slutty Motel Memaw photoshoot for Interview Magazine, 59-year-old Annie admitted that while she’s all for being naked, she questioned Madonna’s motives for taking her 56-year-old tits out. “DUH! Because a desperate middle-aged ho is desperate for attention!” screamed all of us, including Madonna.
Annie then said it’s not her place to judge (Annie Lennox is a living breathing Kermit meme, apparently) but would love to know whyyyyy-y-y-y-y-y Madonna feels the need to keep flashing her Photoshopped nips at our eyes:
“I think already the verdict is probably out. Would you not agree on that one?” Lennox asked. “I think the question is, ‘What is Madonna telling us? Anybody know?’”
That’s when one of the other panelists, Janet Street-Porter, answered: “I think it’s attention seeking” (this just in: Captain Obvious lives in the UK and uses the alias “Janet Street-Porter”). To which Annie agreed, saying:”I think it is.” And that’s when, in a perfect world, Madonna would have popped out of a decorative plant wearing an all-straps latex bra and exclaimed in her wonderful fake British accent: “You’re both correct! Congratulations! Now who wants to see a picture of my fanny?”
I understand what Annie Lennox is feeling, because I too wonder why Madonna is forever reminding us about her Photoshopped fuck parts, but I think it might be one of life’s mysteries that we’re not meant to know. I bet that 2 million years from now, aliens will still be trying to figure it out. “Gleep-glorp, it doesn’t make any sense! Why did she need so much attention? And why does this picture of a 98-year-old Madonna not have a single wrinkle or age spot?“
Gwyneth Paltrow Slaps Back At Martha Stewart’s “Conscious Coupling Pie” With A Recipe For “Jailbird Cake”
The passive-aggressive rich white lady food feud continues! Back in October, life inspiration and OG Martha Stewart came for snobby cup of cultured almond milk Gwyneth Paltrow by publishing a feature on Thanksgiving pie recipes in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living titled “Conscious Coupling“. And yesterday, Gwyneth took out her earrings (“Here Tracy, hold my $12,050 Harry Winston pink diamond studs“) and took a swipe at Martha by posting a recipe for “Jailbird Cake” to GOOP.com. First pies, now cakes? Damn, these bitches fight dirty!
Goopy’s Jailbird Cake was included in a collection of four no-bake Thanksgiving desserts, which she describes as “un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they’re all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing.” Oooh, it sounds like someone’s been taking lessons from Miss Anna’s School of Backhanded Shade! “Jailbird cake” = “Un-goop” = “What was jail like, Martha? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been!” cackles Gwyneth from the reading room in the guest house at Castle Goopskull. For someone who looks like a sun-bleached sea shell, she sure can throw shade.
My only problem with Gwyneth’s Jailbird Cake (aside from the fact that it looks like a sloppy plate of zebra dookie) is that it features nothing you would find in prison. If you’re going to shade Martha Stewart by making something called Jailbird Cake, you make that shit authentic! Instead of chocolate wafers, whipped cream, sugar, and vanilla, it should have been made with a handful of factory damaged sandwich cookies given to you by your cellmate after they licked all the cream out, “whipped topping”, 20-year-old packets of NutriSweet, and vanilla-flavored lube. That’s how you make a Jailbird Cake.
Queen Aretha Franklin is still pimping her album of diva covers hard and when she’s not awakening the dead with her screams while a not impressed Cissy Houston does the Grumpy Cat behind her, she’s bringing on the shade in heavy doses. While talking to the Wall Street Journal about her new album, Queen Aretha was asked to give her thoughts on some of the “young divas” of today. You can tell that Queen Aretha hates interviews and thinks everyone question is filed under STUPID. Queen Aretha is over it before it even begins and she doesn’t have time for sentences that end in a question mark. But since she’s got an album to sell, she goes along with it. When the interviewer spit out a few names, it looks like she had a hard time coming up with a compliment and she barely tried with Taylor Swift and didn’t even try with Nicki Minaj. Pull up your dress, tuck your granny panties to the side and piss on those young bitches, Hateretha!
On Adele: “Young singer, good singer.”
On Alicia Keys: ”Um, young performer, writer/producer.”
On Taylor Swift: ”Okay. Great gowns. Beautiful gowns.”
On Whitney Houston: ”Whitney was a talent. Definitely a talent. She had a gift. And Cissy’s baby.”
On Nicki Minaj: “Nicki Minaj… Hmm… Now I’m going to pass on that one.”
It’s 110 in the shade today! Besides Whitney and maybe Adele, it doesn’t seem like Queen Aretha is really that impressed with any of them. She straight up hated on Nicki Minaj and threw a little shade at Taylor and Alicia’s way. She is the Say Something Nice champion. Queen Aretha always keeps it cuntastic. “Great gowns, beautiful gowns…” Oh, Aretha, great shade, beautiful shade… Maybe Aretha doesn’t even know who Taylor is, though. Maybe she thinks Taylor Swift is a line of quickly made dresses at Lord & Taylor.
And if you want to see Queen Aretha get an error 404 message while trying to give a fuck about lessers like Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift and Alicia Keys, skip to the 3:55 mark in the video below:
Here’s some old pictures of Queen Aretha with Clive Davis on Halloween night at Keep A Child Alive’s Annual Black Ball in NYC. Queen Aretha is keeping this child alive with that wig and sloppy eyeshadow situation. But she is not keeping the Muppets alive by wearing one of their own.
If for whatever reason I flatline and doctors try to bring me back, tell them to skip to the 1:02 mark in the video above and play it near my heart, because this masterpiece has given me life several times today and it will continue to give me life.
At the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show in L.A. on Sunday, Lea Michele did what Lea Michele always does: She nearly fractured her try hard bone while posing like a child beauty pageant queen on red wine and pills. Lea’s not even in that show and she was still posing like she’s the star. If there’s one thing Jessica Lange doesn’t have time for, it’s everything. But if there’s one thing Jessica Lange REALLY doesn’t have time for, it’s a peasant trying hard to bring the sexy while posing in a marathon posing session that goes on forever.
While posing for her life, Lea catches the sparkle from a true star out of the corner of her eye and her entire face lits up when Jessica sashays on through. In Lea’s head, she thinks Jessica Lange is going to stop, hug her, bow at her feet, tell her how much she loves her voice and ask her to sing a song. Lea gladly sings a song for her biggest fan, Jessica Lange, and after she does Jessica asks her to sing another song and the premiere eventually turns into a giant Lea Michele concert. But that didn’t happen. This happened instead. Move that cone, bitches, a real STAR is coming through:
Lea is me and Jessica is all of my exes every time I try to say hi to them in public.
I was going to say that Lea’s bronzer must’ve turned pasty white from all the shade Jessica threw at her, but that’s not even shade. That’s a one hundred percent, beautiful diss. That’s some “Oh darling, you’re about as interesting to me as that red stripe in the background “ shit. But you know, I am a little jealous of Lea Michele, because it’s an honor to get snubbed by Jessica Lange.
I figured I had to add “LiLo“, since there are so many subtle shades in her hair that you might not have known what I was talking about. I see your subtle shade, Raven-Symoné – all of it! The subtle purple, the subtle turquoise, the subtle snot green. I see it all!
During a clip from an upcoming Oprah’s Where Are They Now (via Jezebel), Raven-Symoné – who sort of looks like if my sister’s favorite My Pretty Mermaids doll grew up and became a highi-powered attorney (aka hot) – proved that she IS the Olivia Boss Chick meme by taking a very subtle That’s So Cunty swipe at a certain attention-seeking former child star life mess while explaining to Oprah how she avoided becoming one. Raven-Symoné doesn’t name names, which would normally set me right off, because Rule No.1 of shade-throwing is that a true No-Fucks-Given Queen calls a bitch out by name. But Raven doesn’t have to come right out and say who it is, firstly because she’s Raven-Symoné and bitch writes the rules, but secondly because we all know the former child star fuck-up she’s hissing so much realness at is none other than her old roommate and friend Lindsay Lohan.
“That’s your fault boo boo. Stay in the house.” – I guess she doesn’t know that LiLo is strictly outcalls-only.
Damn, is “Raven-Symoné” French for giant cloud? Cause that bitch provided enough shade to slow global warming. And I’d say the Apricot Ashtray just got read to filth, but she’s already pretty filthy to begin with, so it doesn’t really make sense.
And speaking of staying in your house, boo boo…here’s Raven’s skanky old roommate slithering around London after a performance of Plow-The-Coke last night while wearing a fur coat she probably “found” during intermission and trying to hide her face from the people trying to take a picture of her outside a popular club. That’s your fault, booze booze!
Rapper, former Flipmode Squad member, and Rasheeda from Carmen: A Hop Hopera (really the only credit that matters) Rah Digga recently spit some truth so hot about Australian rapper Iggy Azalea, you could deep-fry an Outback Bloomin’ Onion in it. During an interview with Gossip Viv from This is 50 Radio (via E!), Rah let it be known that she thinks the answer to Iggy’s question of “Who dat? Who dat?” is ‘A White Chicks-looking kangaroo-riding pantyhose-wrapped bundle of LIES‘:
“Iggy Azalea, I can’t really get into her. Because it’s just not real to me. There is a white girl from Australia that spits in an Australian accent, and her name is Chelsea Jane. That I can get into. Teach me Australian Hip-Hop culture. Don’t come to America and try to convince me that you’re Gangsta Boo. We’re not going to believe you if you’re trying to convince us that you’re out here trap shooting.”
“That’s the problem. They’re too many passes being given. When did it become wrong to call out people that don’t write their own rhymes? When did that become a crime in hip-hop?”
Naturally, Iggy decided to respond to Rah’s accusations that she’s doing a spot-on impression of J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys by throwing some subtle shade on Twitter:
YAAAASS! It’s that time again where someone asks Martha Stewart what she thinks about human bottle of organic unflavored coconut water Gwyneth Paltrow and she takes a giant messy 800-threadcount Martha Stewart Collection shit on her. WARNING: High levels of heart-warming verbal poetry ahead.
When asked for the 1,948th time about insufferable bed-making expert Gwyneth Paltrow and her never-ending quest to become America’s Next Top Snobby Blonde Lifestyle Pimp, Martha Stewart made sure to serve up a piping-hot slice of shade pie with Goopy’s name on it. Galina Reznikov’s posh Polish equivalent told Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine (via Page Six) that the only person Goopy Paltrow should be giving life advice to is Iron Man and the showtune-shouting teenagers on Glee:
“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”
The shade, the beautiful slow-simmered shade of it all. Actually, is that even shade? She pretty much straight-up calls a bitch out. Although just once I wish Martha would serve her cuntberries raw instead of cooking them into a sweet preserve. I truly look forward to the day when someone asks her about Gwyneth Paltrow and she rolls her eyes and hisses: “That bitch can lick my asshole. NEXT QUESTION!”
And even the most obtuse dum-dum knows by now how Martha Stewart feels about Gwyneth Paltrow (ie. she enjoys her in the same way one would enjoy a Sriracha enema), so are reporters just trolling her at this point when they ask her about Goopy? If so, I need to send every reporter who interviews Martha Stewart a muffin basket from here on out, because I can’t thank them enough for their contributions to the world of journalism.
Cases of people going to the ER for bleeding ears was up 200% last night, which could only mean one thing: JLo performed live!
Before JLo poked out thousands of eardrums with her raw, natural “singing” voice while performing “Booty” at Fashion Crack Rocks last night, she slathered the red carpet in understated classiness by showing up in some Versace granny panties dress thing that looks like something the hostess of a Solid Gold-themed restaurant on a space station would wear. JLo wanted to show off that dumb ass one-legged jumpsuit dress so she kicked out her leg St. Angie Jolie-style and served up some sexy face that was low on sexy but high on “drunk, cross-eyed grasshopper trying not to pass out.”
The theme of last night’s Fashion Rocks must’ve been Big Asses, because JLo performed with her big ass out, the biggest ass of them all presented and Nicki Minaj’s Cal King waterbed ass punched the eyes of the people in the front row while she performed her butchering of Baby Got Back. The glory hole prince and JLo’s former rent-a-boyfriend Casper Smart choreographed “Anaconda,” which makes sense, because when Nicki sticks her ass out and butt humps the air, it kind of looks like she’s boning a peen sticking out of a glory hole. Casper Smart visited those glory holes in the name of research for his work!
During Nicki’s performance, JLo made this face:
Hollywood Life thinks that JLo is “throwing shade,” but that doesn’t look like shade to me. Bitch’s hair is pulled so damn tight that she physically can’t move her face. That’s what’s going on.
I always seem to forget that Martha Stewart is a grand master at whipping up a bowl of subtle hate and baking it at 110 degrees shady before force feeding it into the mouths of the dehydrated slices of Jicama that try to come for her title. Martha reminded me that she’s got a black belt in shade throwing when she looked Goopy Paltrow up and down and let that soggy, rotting, bread-less fishstick know that she’s the one who invented the whole lifestyle thing. And now, Martha is reminding us once again that she can verbally slap down a copy + paste trick with her white glove and smugly smile while doing so.
One-time line reciter, Ryan Reynold’s wife and literary genius Blake NotSoLively has let it be known many times that Martha is her idol and she wants to be her. Blake became the Jennifer Jason Leigh (if Jennifer Jason Leigh was possessed by the spirit of a Styrofoam cup) to Martha Stewart’s Bridget Fonda when she bought a house right around the corner from Martha’s. Blake was on Martha’s show and she gave Martha’s magazine pictures of her wedding. But just because Blake’s sucked on Martha’s ass doesn’t mean that Martha’s going to return the favor and suck on hers. At the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival in New Jersey on Saturday, HuffPo asked Martha about Ryan and Blake and asked her if she’s laid her eyes on Blake’s “Pinterest on artisanal Ambien” lifestyle blog.
“They’re very friendly, very nice people. In a way, kind of shy — not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies — but very shy in person. But she’s a baker and a homemaker and now she’s starting her own blog [Preserve] … I haven’t seen it yet.”
“Not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies” is the Martha’s way of saying, “We all saw her look like a comatose mackerel while Tim Riggins boned her in that movie that Salma Hayek wears a busted wig in.” And Martha threw in the line “I haven’t seen it yet,” because she knows that when Blake isn’t writing masterful lines of poetry like, ““The smoky scent of sandalwood burning on a wick, the ‘ahh’ of a warm bath,” she’s using her binoculars to peek into Martha’s home office to see if her GODDESS is looking at her blog. Martha barely even knows that Blake’s blog is alive.
HuffPo wanted to milk a little more shade out of Martha, so they asked her what she thinks about Blake wanting to be the new her:
“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”
“She COULD be an actress.” I see what you did there, Martha. We’ve all seen Blake try to be an actress time and time again and know that she can’t. Oh, Martha, keep slapping down the lessers. It’s a shady thing.