I should clarify; that makes it sound like Ronda Rousey was like “I want to celebrate a fight well fought by taking a trip to the hospital. Maybe they’ll give me a tour of the X-ray room?” No, Ronda Rousey took the way less fun kind of trip to the hospital.
So last night, full-time MMA fighter and part-time Floyd Mayweather Jr. dragger Ronda Rousey fought another MMA fighter named Holly Holm in Australia. From what I know about MMA fighting (ie: what I learned from the 1985 film Gymkata), it is my understanding that Ronda Rousey is good at her job. Well, nobody’s good at their job all the time, and according to TMZ, she got knocked the fuck out in the second round. Unfortunately, it was the kind of knockout that made everyone start whispering “shit shit shit, she has travel insurance, right?“, and about two seconds after they rang the bell, an ambulance hauled Ronda Rousey’s ass to the hospital.
TMZ says Ronda didn’t speak to the press after the fight, but a rep for UFC released a statement on her behalf saying that she was taken to the hospital as a precautionary measure. TMZ says Ronda didn’t have a concussion, but she had a huge gash in the middle of her lip and she was kept overnight in the hospital. They also have some pictures (not safe for people who get the heaves at the sight of blood) of Ronda Rousey’s busted face, if that’s something you want to see.
Now let’s add a layer off random to this story, shall we? Shortly after Ronda was knocked out, Lady Gaga grabbed her disco stick and started poking at Ronda on Instagram.
Here’s Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm (whose names totally sound like they were created by Stan Lee) a few days before their fight at an open training session in Melbourne.
Martha Stewart could teach a master class on not giving a single fuck. Martha will drag a bitch-ass trick who tries to come for her artisanal oven-roasted crown, she keeps the bathroom door open while she pisses, and now we know that she definitely doesn’t fuck with people getting in the way while she prepares a delicious autumnal sangria. Martha Stewart showed up on Ellen on Friday to pimp out her new book Appetizers, and of course she made some appetizers. She also made everyone in the audience want to reach for a warm blanket after she dropped the temperature in the studio to below freezing while icing out Drew Barrymore.
For some reason, Martha was only feeling Ellen DeGeneres. As you can see above, it’s like they’re at a party at Ellen’s house, and Martha is ratting out Drew for taking a massive crab cake dump and plugging the toilet. She’s like “I’m pretty sure she snatched a few pills from the medicine cabinet too.” You can watch the awkward trainwreck unfold below.
I have watched this video four times, and I honestly cannot tell what the fuck Martha was making because I was too busy watching Drew trying to get Martha’s attention and Martha straight-up ignoring her ass. Drew could have poured that pitcher of sangria over Martha’s head, and she would have kept on going as if nothing had happened.
Finally, after nearly four minutes of playing the Lea Michele to Martha’s Jessica Lange, Drew shrugs and starts drinking. Although I’m sure she could have picked up that giant bowl of popcorn, snuck off backstage to the green room, and returned at the end of the segment. Really, it’s not like Martha would have noticed she was gone.
If you’re a ho (or a ho at heart) who woke up with a little extra pep in your step this morning, this would be the reason why. The Amber Rose SlutWalk was held in downtown Los Angeles earlier today by proud slut type Amber Rose to celebrate a slut’s choice to be a shameless tramp. Well, technically it’s a walk to fight against “sexual injustice, victim blaming, derogatory labeling and gender inequality” according to the Amber Rose SlutWalk website. But I can’t imagine she’d have a problem with my description of it, because there’s no shame in the tramp game.
To be completely honest, I am SHOCKED that this is what Amber Rose wore to the SlutWalk. This is downright demure compared to Amber Rose’s usual wardrobe. I was fully expecting her to march through the streets wearing nothing but a set of nipple pasties and a g-string made from a single piece of dental floss. Although I can’t totally hate on that black satin slip thing, because it looks like something Vampirella would wear to her great uncle’s funeral after her friends assured her it was modest enough, and that’s a pretty good look.
Of course, if seeing Amber Rose dressed in her boudoir best isn’t enough to warm your heart, please enjoy this picture of Amber Rose’s mama ripping a hot slutty fart all over Kanye West.
In case you’ve forgotten, “Fuck yo 30 showers” is a reference to the time Kanye hissed that he had to take 30 showers after he left Amber and got with Kim Kardashian. Sadly, Amber’s mom’s message will never reach Kanye, since Kanye’s assistant Kim will no doubt keep getting distracted by the exclamation point every time she tries to read it (“It’s my favorite cause it looks like a dick!“).
Here’s more of Amber Rose at the Amber Rose SlutWalk. Also, Nick Cannon was there. Sure, why not.
I don’t really listen to Rage Against The Machine and my ears would close up for good if I ever tried to listen Limp Bizkit (they are dead to me for butchering, slaughtering, disemboweling and shitting on a George Michael song), but I live for some good old-fashioned bitchy hate. Limp Bizkit has covered RATM’s “Killing In The Name” over 100 times and last year, the human embodiment of a dutch oven, Fred Durst, told the audience at one of their shows that RATM is the rap-rock band that “started this shit.” Fred Durst has made it clear that RATM planted the seed that helped create Limp Bizkit. Well, the feeling continues to not be mutual.
Having to stand and talk to Giuliana Rancic on that hot-as-fuck Emmy red carpet last night sounds like the epitome of HELL to me, so I’m genuinely shocked that most famous types didn’t pull an “I don’t know her” as they hauled ass indoors and started humping the nearest AC vent. Thankfully some people, like American Horror Story’s Sarah Paulson, thought ahead and brought their own shade.
Sarah stopped and talked to Clippy’s sister, and the heat truly removes all fucks from one’s system, because their interview was just one giant “No, bitch” moment. Shortly after Giuliana reminded everyone that Sarah has been nominated – and lost – four times, she asked Sarah (who was nominated for playing conjoined twins Bette and Dot on AHS: Freak Show) if she’ll get two Emmy awards if she wins. Rather than look at her in the face and low-whisper “Are you serious?“, Sarah gifted us with this beautiful soul hug:
Sarah Paulson with an outstanding subtweet of Giuliana Rancic. pic.twitter.com/45KEpgPwH3
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 20, 2015
Did anyone think to check Giuliana for frostbite, because that was ice cold. “No, sorry sweetie” PLUS that voice? Even shade queen Jessica Lange is slow-clapping for that one. Of course, Sarah didn’t win (Regina King did instead), but she took home an even better award: Outstanding Achievement in Making Shit Awkward with Giuliana Rancic. “Welcome to the club!” hollered Elisabeth Moss.
Here’s more of the Luke to Jessica Lange’s Yoda, as well as Giuliana in some low-budget JLo cosplay on the red carpet last night.
Finally, a story that will lift your soul high and carry you into Saturday night on a cloud of YAASSSSSS.
TMZ says that living legend Patti LaBelle was performing in Vancouver last night, and she invited a few fans on stage to bump and grind during “Lady Marmalade.” Sadly, Patti’s security team didn’t exactly screen said fans well enough, because Patti found herself face to face with an aspiring stripper. Patti has professionalism pumping through her veins, so instead of throwing a handful of crumpled up $1 bills at him, she stopped her band, hissed “Don’t you dare“, and laid into his ass. She also came for Nicki Minaj’s ass and Miley Cyrus’ barely-there ass. Patti came for everybody, because Patti LaBelle is NOT here for anybody’s trashy hobag stripper antics!
“Or that little…um…Miley….” Well??? That little what? Hussy? It was totally hussy, wasn’t it Patti?
I absolutely loved it when that dude pretended to flash his ass at Patti and she hollered “Get off of my god-darned stage, BITCH!” It’s like she knew she was in Canada, so she tried to keep it polite by saying “darned“, but then her heart stepped in and reminded her that Patti LaBelle keeps it real, thus giving us that epic “BITCH” at the end.
The only thing I don’t get is Patti’s comment about stripper dude being brought to her by The Devil (at least that’s what I got from it). Is she trying to say that Hell is filled with strippers who bust it out to “Lady Marmalade“? Patti, I don’t know – that sounds more like Heaven to me.
Iggy Azalea (the Japanese humanoid robot in a pink-tipped blond wig on the left) has been on a roll and is probably developing Madge arms from digging her own grave. Iggy got kicked out of Pittsburgh Pride for some dumb shit she said on Twitter a while ago and she had to scrap her tour, because apparently tickets weren’t selling and working with her was about as fun as a nutsack waxing. Iggy should probably stay away from pissing off tricks in the music industry, but since the Botox ate the tiny bit of sense she had left, she decided to come for Our Lady of Cheetos and Our Lady of Cheetos slapped a bitch back.
Iggy yanked at Brit Brit Spears’ weave on Twitter a few days ago when one of her followers said that their song together “Pretty Girls” flopped a little. Iggy put the blame on Brit Brit for not wanting to whore it out. When The Pop Zone said that Iggy was shading Brit Brit, she tweeted back with: “my comment is factual, it applies to any song. I dont have to suck the womans asshole 24/7 to be her friend, do i? bye girls.” (Dumb fuck Iggy obviously doesn’t know anything about friendship, because 24/7 salad tossing is the key to a long-lasting friendly relationship.)
Well, Team Brit Brit responded to Iggy with a beautiful piece of true shade with a dollop of burn cream on top. Brit Brit pulled a subtle “Good luck with bookin that stage u speak of” by reminding Iggy who’s got the word “CANCELED” next to their concert dates on Ticketmaster and who doesn’t. Git that trick, Brit’s Twitter writer:
Can’t wait to get back to Vegas. So thankful I have shows for the rest of the year to look forward to… #YouWantAPieceOfMe
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) June 29, 2015
Daddy Spears better drop off a $30 Starbucks gift card and a Costco-sized box of Slim Jims next to the cubicle of the shade master who is responsible for scalping Iggy in less than 140 characters. I’d like to think that badass bitch Jamie Lynn Spears wrote that tweet on her phone right before she pulled out a knife to break up another fight at Pita Pita.
Even though she appeared to be throwing a “Pedo, please” side-eye during the BET Awards last night, Tracee Ellis Ross would like to make it very clear she wasn’t doing that on purpose. In case you missed it, Tracee Ellis Ross’ maybe-shade moment happened as she was introducing a performance by Tyga and Chris Brown. For some reason, right before Tracee said Tyga’s name, she paused and looked off stage, then gritted her teeth. I like to imagine her mother makes the exact same face whenever she tells someone that she’s related to the Simpson family.
Can we revisit that shade moment right quick? pic.twitter.com/1oieqmFiu3
— Craig™ (@SmokeeRobinson) June 29, 2015
Of course, shortly after Tracee announced Tyga and Chris Brown’s performance, the internet assumed that was Tracee’s way of popping open a tiny cocktail umbrella and throwing an itty bitty hint of shade at Tyga. But Tracee says no. Tracee posted a video on Instagram of her trying to pronounce Tyga’s name and explained that she doesn’t hate him.
“Absolutely not thowing shade at @kinggoldchains (I’m not the shade throwing type) as u might remember from my TMurda “further exploration” video I have trouble saying his name right & I was nervous. I was hosting a live show. I was fighting in my head cause I was so scared I would say it the wrong way. That would have been awful. Saw him as he came off stage and there was nothing but love. You rock Tyga.”
“Would it have killed her to name drop his underage girlfriend while she was at it???” hissed Kris Jenner.
I think it’s pretty obvious that Tracee wasn’t throwing shade. If she wanted to, she wouldn’t have done it herself. She would have called legendary diva Diana Ross to the stage to do it for her. If you have access to the best, you get the best. The best part is, Tyga would have never even have known he was being shaded, because Diana Ross wouldn’t have even read his name off the teleprompter.
Because I don’t want to leave you with the taste of Tyga in your mouth, here’s Tracee walking the BET Awards red carpet before the show with Anthony Anderson.
I’m completely reading into something Ryan Murphy said in an interview with Deadline. As far as Jessica Lange is concerned, woman is done and Lady Gaga’s moving into American Horror Story Hotel. But there are dreams, we can have dreams. I can’t…can’t…reconcile ConstanceJudeFionaElsa being replaced with Gaga as a downtrodden chambermaid or the lifeguard. It’s just not right. I think I’d rather Madge check in and trip over balloons while accompanied by half-hearted cameo overlays from Beyonce and Miley. Anyway, what he said to fill us with false hope:
“Well, all I can say about that never say never with Jessica. She and I are doing something else right now. I’m producing a production of A Long Day’s Journey Into Night, that is one of her dream roles. She’s done it before and she wanted to do it again and I got the rights for her, we’re going to do that on Broadway. So we’re working again together, and I think if I went to Jessica and I had an amazing role, I think she would do it. I think she wanted some time off, but Jessica is somebody that is always about the role, in every season on this show.”
Considering the Casual Female XL shade that Jessica and her complete and total lack of fucks cast when asked about Gaga’s chances of success in replacing her, I wouldn’t bank on her ringing that front desk bell.
There is good news, though. Denis O’Hare (Burned Guy, necrobutler Spaulding, the con dude with the huge dick that they turned into a chicken last season) is back, as is Finn Wittrock. Dandy was an irritating-as-fuck character, but Finn Wittrock’s buttocks were not. So there’s that. (OH GOD, PLEASE COME BACK, JESSICA LANGE!)
Oh, and The Daily Beast asked Jessica about the aforementioned verbal bored wave she gave Gaga. Follow the jump for a master class in how to avoid answering a question until the bitter end (as well as more pics of Gaga).
That’s not stage smoke: that’s dust being excitedly queefed from Madonna’s down-lows after she realized how much attention she could whore out of that kiss with Drake. On Saturday, Madonna did a Q&A for AskAnythingChat, and one of the things she was asked was about that time she mouth humped on an immobilized Wheelchair Jimmy during his set at Coachella. No, the question wasn’t “To whom should I send my therapy bills?”. It was “Is Drake a good kisser?“. Because Madonna is basically the shamelessly bitchy version of The Giving Tree (aka she gives no fucks and only gets shadier with age), she answered:
“Is Drake a good kisser? I kissed a girl, and I liked it.”
And it gets shadier! Later on, Madonna was asked what advice she’d give her younger self knowing what she knows now, and she answered:
“Don’t kiss Drake, no matter how many times he begs you to.”
It all happens around the 2:10 and 7:59 marks. Off topic thought: whatever Vaseline-coated soap opera camera lens they used to shoot Madonna is really working for her face. Even the blur tool in Photoshop is like “How???”
Somewhere in The 6, Drake has thrown himself face-first onto a pile of teddy bears and Raptors jerseys and is crying tears of pure maple syrup while he sobs “How could I be so STUPID? Of course she’d kiss and tell! And since when is texting 13 times a night every night for 2 weeks begging?”
Poor Drake. You truly are the Taylor Swift of…something something. I don’t know where I was going with that analogy. To be honest, I got a little distracted picturing those delicious maple syrup tears.