That’s not stage smoke: that’s dust being excitedly queefed from Madonna’s down-lows after she realized how much attention she could whore out of that kiss with Drake. On Saturday, Madonna did a Q&A for AskAnythingChat, and one of the things she was asked was about that time she mouth humped on an immobilized Wheelchair Jimmy during his set at Coachella. No, the question wasn’t “To whom should I send my therapy bills?”. It was “Is Drake a good kisser?“. Because Madonna is basically the shamelessly bitchy version of The Giving Tree (aka she gives no fucks and only gets shadier with age), she answered:
“Is Drake a good kisser? I kissed a girl, and I liked it.”
And it gets shadier! Later on, Madonna was asked what advice she’d give her younger self knowing what she knows now, and she answered:
“Don’t kiss Drake, no matter how many times he begs you to.”
It all happens around the 2:10 and 7:59 marks. Off topic thought: whatever Vaseline-coated soap opera camera lens they used to shoot Madonna is really working for her face. Even the blur tool in Photoshop is like “How???”
Somewhere in The 6, Drake has thrown himself face-first onto a pile of teddy bears and Raptors jerseys and is crying tears of pure maple syrup while he sobs “How could I be so STUPID? Of course she’d kiss and tell! And since when is texting 13 times a night every night for 2 weeks begging?”
Poor Drake. You truly are the Taylor Swift of…something something. I don’t know where I was going with that analogy. To be honest, I got a little distracted picturing those delicious maple syrup tears.
Elizabeth Banks has been in the Hunger Games movies, she stole scenes in 30 Rock, she was in the masterpiece that is Wet Hot American Summer and she directed the Pitch Perfect sequel, which will probably make 30 trillion dollars. She’s also the actress my mom always refers to as Al Bundy’s daughter in Modern Family. Some might say that Elizabeth Banks is at the top. But well, has she been in Sharknado 1 AND 2? No. Can she create a paparazzi frenzy (read: 1 pap taking a dozen pictures while waiting for someone from Vanderpump Rules to show) by posing with fellow A-lister Bai Ling? I think not. Is she a 3-time Razzie nominee? Nope.
Elizabeth Banks knows all of that and it eats at her insides. She probably wakes up in the middle of the night wondering where her career went wrong. Elizabeth couldn’t hide her jealousy anymore and during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter to promote Pitch Perfect 2, it all come out when she said this:
“There was a group of us girls coming up. A lot of us are surviving. Some of us are not. I used to go to auditions with Tara Reid. So, you know, we didn’t all make it. We’re not all still here. I do love Sharknado.”
Surprisingly, Tara Reid found time in her busy schedule to comment on this wrong diss. Tara responded by saying, “Elizabeth who?” No, Tara said that she’s a fan and she doesn’t understand why Elizabeth Banks would slap at her like that. Like I said before, the answer is: PURE JEALOUSY. Elizabeth Banks wishes she was in The Hungover Games instead of The Hunger Games, which nobody cares about! Elizabeth also wishes that her pussy game was so good that it got men fired from their job.
And guess what? None of them have to do with him being a good fashion designer. Shocking, I know. People asked Kelly Cutrone, aka Lauren and Whitney’s bitchy boss on The Hills who seriously looked completely over it 99.9% of the time, what she thought of Kanye West’s latest attempt at being a fashion designer, and she blew this beautiful slap-scented air kiss to Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband:
“I’m not into his fashion thing. I think he’s fine as a rapper. I think he’s a joke as a fashion designer.”
Be still my beating heart. But Cunty Cuntrone wasn’t done dragging Kanye just yet; when asked if she liked the shoes he did, Kelly hissed:
“I mean, it’s not, he’s not legit. Have you seen the product? Didn’t he have his own line in London, which was a disaster that he spent $10 million to do, that no one wore?”
Then like a true bitch, Kelly yanked the wig right off Kanye’s head by telling that no-talent trick to go back to rapping, while also throwing a little shade in Diddy’s direction:
“I just think that you should stay focused at what you’re good at. Just because you’re a good rapper doesn’t mean you’re going to be a good fashion designer. I mean, we’ve seen that over and over. Sean John is a really successful line, but you know, no one in the fashion industry is waking up and going, ‘Hey did you get that … did you like, trade up your Moncler for your Sean John?’ No. Nobody’s saying that.
I’m sure at this very moment, Amber Rose is thinking: “Yaaaassss bitch, do Khloe Kardashian next! Open the library and read her to filth!”
But even though Kelly’s review of Kanye’s stupid fashion show killed me, buried me, and brought me back to life, it’s still nowhere near as perfect as one he got from his own daughter.
Former frosted-tipped douche fashion vanguard and current panty model David Beckham appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday night to talk about being a delicate-voiced DILF or something, and Jimmy Kimmel made a sarcastic joke about how he’s really let himself go since retiring from soccer in 2013. However, what Jimmy didn’t know is that his joke about being a fat would hit a little too close to home.
David confessed that after he recently took a bath with his 3-year-old daughter Harper Seven Eight Nine Beckham, she looked at her grotesque lardass of a father and hissed: “Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t like you, you’re so chubby.” Yeah, are we sure it wasn’t actually Victoria Beckham throwing her voice while hiding behind a toothbrush? “Oooh, Daddy, it looks like you’ve gained 1/16th of a stone, you hideous slob. No more lemon and water smoothies for you, tubby.” Or maybe she was just delivering a subtle message from Auntie Anna Wintour. “Harper, I’ll put your mommy and daddy on the cover of American VOGUE, but daddy needs to lose a couple pounds first, capiche?”
You can hear the story of Harper fat-shaming her naked father at the 0:24 mark:
He also went on to talk about how he’s basically an Uber driver now that he’s retired. That’s probably why Harper read his ass in the bath – she was just getting him back for the terrible service she received the last time he drove her to nursery school. That’s what you get for forgetting to offer your passenger a bottle of water, David!
Here’s Harper’s so chubby daddy on his way into Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night:
Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi
At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:
“Britney, cause she dances.”
I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.
Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?”
But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:
“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”
Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.
Life legend Annie Lennox has once again put on her skipper hat and set sail on the S.S. No-Fucks-Given bound for the shady shores of Truth Island. During a discussion on the UK show Loose Women (via E! News) about Madonna’s recent Slutty Motel Memaw photoshoot for Interview Magazine, 59-year-old Annie admitted that while she’s all for being naked, she questioned Madonna’s motives for taking her 56-year-old tits out. “DUH! Because a desperate middle-aged ho is desperate for attention!” screamed all of us, including Madonna.
Annie then said it’s not her place to judge (Annie Lennox is a living breathing Kermit meme, apparently) but would love to know whyyyyy-y-y-y-y-y Madonna feels the need to keep flashing her Photoshopped nips at our eyes:
“I think already the verdict is probably out. Would you not agree on that one?” Lennox asked. “I think the question is, ‘What is Madonna telling us? Anybody know?'”
That’s when one of the other panelists, Janet Street-Porter, answered: “I think it’s attention seeking” (this just in: Captain Obvious lives in the UK and uses the alias “Janet Street-Porter”). To which Annie agreed, saying:”I think it is.” And that’s when, in a perfect world, Madonna would have popped out of a decorative plant wearing an all-straps latex bra and exclaimed in her wonderful fake British accent: “You’re both correct! Congratulations! Now who wants to see a picture of my fanny?”
I understand what Annie Lennox is feeling, because I too wonder why Madonna is forever reminding us about her Photoshopped fuck parts, but I think it might be one of life’s mysteries that we’re not meant to know. I bet that 2 million years from now, aliens will still be trying to figure it out. “Gleep-glorp, it doesn’t make any sense! Why did she need so much attention? And why does this picture of a 98-year-old Madonna not have a single wrinkle or age spot?“
Gwyneth Paltrow Slaps Back At Martha Stewart’s “Conscious Coupling Pie” With A Recipe For “Jailbird Cake”
The passive-aggressive rich white lady food feud continues! Back in October, life inspiration and OG Martha Stewart came for snobby cup of cultured almond milk Gwyneth Paltrow by publishing a feature on Thanksgiving pie recipes in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living titled “Conscious Coupling“. And yesterday, Gwyneth took out her earrings (“Here Tracy, hold my $12,050 Harry Winston pink diamond studs“) and took a swipe at Martha by posting a recipe for “Jailbird Cake” to GOOP.com. First pies, now cakes? Damn, these bitches fight dirty!
Goopy’s Jailbird Cake was included in a collection of four no-bake Thanksgiving desserts, which she describes as “un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they’re all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing.” Oooh, it sounds like someone’s been taking lessons from Miss Anna’s School of Backhanded Shade! “Jailbird cake” = “Un-goop” = “What was jail like, Martha? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been!” cackles Gwyneth from the reading room in the guest house at Castle Goopskull. For someone who looks like a sun-bleached sea shell, she sure can throw shade.
My only problem with Gwyneth’s Jailbird Cake (aside from the fact that it looks like a sloppy plate of zebra dookie) is that it features nothing you would find in prison. If you’re going to shade Martha Stewart by making something called Jailbird Cake, you make that shit authentic! Instead of chocolate wafers, whipped cream, sugar, and vanilla, it should have been made with a handful of factory damaged sandwich cookies given to you by your cellmate after they licked all the cream out, “whipped topping”, 20-year-old packets of NutriSweet, and vanilla-flavored lube. That’s how you make a Jailbird Cake.
Queen Aretha Franklin is still pimping her album of diva covers hard and when she’s not awakening the dead with her screams while a not impressed Cissy Houston does the Grumpy Cat behind her, she’s bringing on the shade in heavy doses. While talking to the Wall Street Journal about her new album, Queen Aretha was asked to give her thoughts on some of the “young divas” of today. You can tell that Queen Aretha hates interviews and thinks everyone question is filed under STUPID. Queen Aretha is over it before it even begins and she doesn’t have time for sentences that end in a question mark. But since she’s got an album to sell, she goes along with it. When the interviewer spit out a few names, it looks like she had a hard time coming up with a compliment and she barely tried with Taylor Swift and didn’t even try with Nicki Minaj. Pull up your dress, tuck your granny panties to the side and piss on those young bitches, Hateretha!
On Adele: “Young singer, good singer.”
On Alicia Keys: “Um, young performer, writer/producer.”
On Taylor Swift: “Okay. Great gowns. Beautiful gowns.”
On Whitney Houston: “Whitney was a talent. Definitely a talent. She had a gift. And Cissy’s baby.”
On Nicki Minaj: “Nicki Minaj… Hmm… Now I’m going to pass on that one.”
It’s 110 in the shade today! Besides Whitney and maybe Adele, it doesn’t seem like Queen Aretha is really that impressed with any of them. She straight up hated on Nicki Minaj and threw a little shade at Taylor and Alicia’s way. She is the Say Something Nice champion. Queen Aretha always keeps it cuntastic. “Great gowns, beautiful gowns…” Oh, Aretha, great shade, beautiful shade… Maybe Aretha doesn’t even know who Taylor is, though. Maybe she thinks Taylor Swift is a line of quickly made dresses at Lord & Taylor.
And if you want to see Queen Aretha get an error 404 message while trying to give a fuck about lessers like Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift and Alicia Keys, skip to the 3:55 mark in the video below:
Here’s some old pictures of Queen Aretha with Clive Davis on Halloween night at Keep A Child Alive’s Annual Black Ball in NYC. Queen Aretha is keeping this child alive with that wig and sloppy eyeshadow situation. But she is not keeping the Muppets alive by wearing one of their own.
If for whatever reason I flatline and doctors try to bring me back, tell them to skip to the 1:02 mark in the video above and play it near my heart, because this masterpiece has given me life several times today and it will continue to give me life.
At the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show in L.A. on Sunday, Lea Michele did what Lea Michele always does: She nearly fractured her try hard bone while posing like a child beauty pageant queen on red wine and pills. Lea’s not even in that show and she was still posing like she’s the star. If there’s one thing Jessica Lange doesn’t have time for, it’s everything. But if there’s one thing Jessica Lange REALLY doesn’t have time for, it’s a peasant trying hard to bring the sexy while posing in a marathon posing session that goes on forever.
While posing for her life, Lea catches the sparkle from a true star out of the corner of her eye and her entire face lits up when Jessica sashays on through. In Lea’s head, she thinks Jessica Lange is going to stop, hug her, bow at her feet, tell her how much she loves her voice and ask her to sing a song. Lea gladly sings a song for her biggest fan, Jessica Lange, and after she does Jessica asks her to sing another song and the premiere eventually turns into a giant Lea Michele concert. But that didn’t happen. This happened instead. Move that cone, bitches, a real STAR is coming through:
Lea is me and Jessica is all of my exes every time I try to say hi to them in public.
I was going to say that Lea’s bronzer must’ve turned pasty white from all the shade Jessica threw at her, but that’s not even shade. That’s a one hundred percent, beautiful diss. That’s some “Oh darling, you’re about as interesting to me as that red stripe in the background “ shit. But you know, I am a little jealous of Lea Michele, because it’s an honor to get snubbed by Jessica Lange.
I figured I had to add “LiLo“, since there are so many subtle shades in her hair that you might not have known what I was talking about. I see your subtle shade, Raven-Symoné – all of it! The subtle purple, the subtle turquoise, the subtle snot green. I see it all!
During a clip from an upcoming Oprah’s Where Are They Now (via Jezebel), Raven-Symoné – who sort of looks like if my sister’s favorite My Pretty Mermaids doll grew up and became a highi-powered attorney (aka hot) – proved that she IS the Olivia Boss Chick meme by taking a very subtle That’s So Cunty swipe at a certain attention-seeking former child star life mess while explaining to Oprah how she avoided becoming one. Raven-Symoné doesn’t name names, which would normally set me right off, because Rule No.1 of shade-throwing is that a true No-Fucks-Given Queen calls a bitch out by name. But Raven doesn’t have to come right out and say who it is, firstly because she’s Raven-Symoné and bitch writes the rules, but secondly because we all know the former child star fuck-up she’s hissing so much realness at is none other than her old roommate and friend Lindsay Lohan.
“That’s your fault boo boo. Stay in the house.” – I guess she doesn’t know that LiLo is strictly outcalls-only.
Damn, is “Raven-Symoné” French for giant cloud? Cause that bitch provided enough shade to slow global warming. And I’d say the Apricot Ashtray just got read to filth, but she’s already pretty filthy to begin with, so it doesn’t really make sense.
And speaking of staying in your house, boo boo…here’s Raven’s skanky old roommate slithering around London after a performance of Plow-The-Coke last night while wearing a fur coat she probably “found” during intermission and trying to hide her face from the people trying to take a picture of her outside a popular club. That’s your fault, booze booze!