If for whatever reason I flatline and doctors try to bring me back, tell them to skip to the 1:02 mark in the video above and play it near my heart, because this masterpiece has given me life several times today and it will continue to give me life.
At the premiere of American Horror Story: Freak Show in L.A. on Sunday, Lea Michele did what Lea Michele always does: She nearly fractured her try hard bone while posing like a child beauty pageant queen on red wine and pills. Lea’s not even in that show and she was still posing like she’s the star. If there’s one thing Jessica Lange doesn’t have time for, it’s everything. But if there’s one thing Jessica Lange REALLY doesn’t have time for, it’s a peasant trying hard to bring the sexy while posing in a marathon posing session that goes on forever.
While posing for her life, Lea catches the sparkle from a true star out of the corner of her eye and her entire face lits up when Jessica sashays on through. In Lea’s head, she thinks Jessica Lange is going to stop, hug her, bow at her feet, tell her how much she loves her voice and ask her to sing a song. Lea gladly sings a song for her biggest fan, Jessica Lange, and after she does Jessica asks her to sing another song and the premiere eventually turns into a giant Lea Michele concert. But that didn’t happen. This happened instead. Move that cone, bitches, a real STAR is coming through:
Lea is me and Jessica is all of my exes every time I try to say hi to them in public.
I was going to say that Lea’s bronzer must’ve turned pasty white from all the shade Jessica threw at her, but that’s not even shade. That’s a one hundred percent, beautiful diss. That’s some “Oh darling, you’re about as interesting to me as that red stripe in the background “ shit. But you know, I am a little jealous of Lea Michele, because it’s an honor to get snubbed by Jessica Lange.
I figured I had to add “LiLo“, since there are so many subtle shades in her hair that you might not have known what I was talking about. I see your subtle shade, Raven-Symoné – all of it! The subtle purple, the subtle turquoise, the subtle snot green. I see it all!
During a clip from an upcoming Oprah’s Where Are They Now (via Jezebel), Raven-Symoné – who sort of looks like if my sister’s favorite My Pretty Mermaids doll grew up and became a highi-powered attorney (aka hot) – proved that she IS the Olivia Boss Chick meme by taking a very subtle That’s So Cunty swipe at a certain attention-seeking former child star life mess while explaining to Oprah how she avoided becoming one. Raven-Symoné doesn’t name names, which would normally set me right off, because Rule No.1 of shade-throwing is that a true No-Fucks-Given Queen calls a bitch out by name. But Raven doesn’t have to come right out and say who it is, firstly because she’s Raven-Symoné and bitch writes the rules, but secondly because we all know the former child star fuck-up she’s hissing so much realness at is none other than her old roommate and friend Lindsay Lohan.
“That’s your fault boo boo. Stay in the house.” – I guess she doesn’t know that LiLo is strictly outcalls-only.
Damn, is “Raven-Symoné” French for giant cloud? Cause that bitch provided enough shade to slow global warming. And I’d say the Apricot Ashtray just got read to filth, but she’s already pretty filthy to begin with, so it doesn’t really make sense.
And speaking of staying in your house, boo boo…here’s Raven’s skanky old roommate slithering around London after a performance of Plow-The-Coke last night while wearing a fur coat she probably “found” during intermission and trying to hide her face from the people trying to take a picture of her outside a popular club. That’s your fault, booze booze!
Rapper, former Flipmode Squad member, and Rasheeda from Carmen: A Hop Hopera (really the only credit that matters) Rah Digga recently spit some truth so hot about Australian rapper Iggy Azalea, you could deep-fry an Outback Bloomin’ Onion in it. During an interview with Gossip Viv from This is 50 Radio (via E!), Rah let it be known that she thinks the answer to Iggy’s question of “Who dat? Who dat?” is ‘A White Chicks-looking kangaroo-riding pantyhose-wrapped bundle of LIES‘:
“Iggy Azalea, I can’t really get into her. Because it’s just not real to me. There is a white girl from Australia that spits in an Australian accent, and her name is Chelsea Jane. That I can get into. Teach me Australian Hip-Hop culture. Don’t come to America and try to convince me that you’re Gangsta Boo. We’re not going to believe you if you’re trying to convince us that you’re out here trap shooting.”
“That’s the problem. They’re too many passes being given. When did it become wrong to call out people that don’t write their own rhymes? When did that become a crime in hip-hop?”
Naturally, Iggy decided to respond to Rah’s accusations that she’s doing a spot-on impression of J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys by throwing some subtle shade on Twitter:
YAAAASS! It’s that time again where someone asks Martha Stewart what she thinks about human bottle of organic unflavored coconut water Gwyneth Paltrow and she takes a giant messy 800-threadcount Martha Stewart Collection shit on her. WARNING: High levels of heart-warming verbal poetry ahead.
When asked for the 1,948th time about insufferable bed-making expert Gwyneth Paltrow and her never-ending quest to become America’s Next Top Snobby Blonde Lifestyle Pimp, Martha Stewart made sure to serve up a piping-hot slice of shade pie with Goopy’s name on it. Galina Reznikov’s posh Polish equivalent told Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine (via Page Six) that the only person Goopy Paltrow should be giving life advice to is Iron Man and the showtune-shouting teenagers on Glee:
“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”
The shade, the beautiful slow-simmered shade of it all. Actually, is that even shade? She pretty much straight-up calls a bitch out. Although just once I wish Martha would serve her cuntberries raw instead of cooking them into a sweet preserve. I truly look forward to the day when someone asks her about Gwyneth Paltrow and she rolls her eyes and hisses: “That bitch can lick my asshole. NEXT QUESTION!”
And even the most obtuse dum-dum knows by now how Martha Stewart feels about Gwyneth Paltrow (ie. she enjoys her in the same way one would enjoy a Sriracha enema), so are reporters just trolling her at this point when they ask her about Goopy? If so, I need to send every reporter who interviews Martha Stewart a muffin basket from here on out, because I can’t thank them enough for their contributions to the world of journalism.
Cases of people going to the ER for bleeding ears was up 200% last night, which could only mean one thing: JLo performed live!
Before JLo poked out thousands of eardrums with her raw, natural “singing” voice while performing “Booty” at Fashion Crack Rocks last night, she slathered the red carpet in understated classiness by showing up in some Versace granny panties dress thing that looks like something the hostess of a Solid Gold-themed restaurant on a space station would wear. JLo wanted to show off that dumb ass one-legged jumpsuit dress so she kicked out her leg St. Angie Jolie-style and served up some sexy face that was low on sexy but high on “drunk, cross-eyed grasshopper trying not to pass out.”
The theme of last night’s Fashion Rocks must’ve been Big Asses, because JLo performed with her big ass out, the biggest ass of them all presented and Nicki Minaj’s Cal King waterbed ass punched the eyes of the people in the front row while she performed her butchering of Baby Got Back. The glory hole prince and JLo’s former rent-a-boyfriend Casper Smart choreographed “Anaconda,” which makes sense, because when Nicki sticks her ass out and butt humps the air, it kind of looks like she’s boning a peen sticking out of a glory hole. Casper Smart visited those glory holes in the name of research for his work!
During Nicki’s performance, JLo made this face:
Hollywood Life thinks that JLo is “throwing shade,” but that doesn’t look like shade to me. Bitch’s hair is pulled so damn tight that she physically can’t move her face. That’s what’s going on.
I always seem to forget that Martha Stewart is a grand master at whipping up a bowl of subtle hate and baking it at 110 degrees shady before force feeding it into the mouths of the dehydrated slices of Jicama that try to come for her title. Martha reminded me that she’s got a black belt in shade throwing when she looked Goopy Paltrow up and down and let that soggy, rotting, bread-less fishstick know that she’s the one who invented the whole lifestyle thing. And now, Martha is reminding us once again that she can verbally slap down a copy + paste trick with her white glove and smugly smile while doing so.
One-time line reciter, Ryan Reynold’s wife and literary genius Blake NotSoLively has let it be known many times that Martha is her idol and she wants to be her. Blake became the Jennifer Jason Leigh (if Jennifer Jason Leigh was possessed by the spirit of a Styrofoam cup) to Martha Stewart’s Bridget Fonda when she bought a house right around the corner from Martha’s. Blake was on Martha’s show and she gave Martha’s magazine pictures of her wedding. But just because Blake’s sucked on Martha’s ass doesn’t mean that Martha’s going to return the favor and suck on hers. At the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival in New Jersey on Saturday, HuffPo asked Martha about Ryan and Blake and asked her if she’s laid her eyes on Blake’s “Pinterest on artisanal Ambien” lifestyle blog.
“They’re very friendly, very nice people. In a way, kind of shy — not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies — but very shy in person. But she’s a baker and a homemaker and now she’s starting her own blog [Preserve] … I haven’t seen it yet.”
“Not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies” is the Martha’s way of saying, “We all saw her look like a comatose mackerel while Tim Riggins boned her in that movie that Salma Hayek wears a busted wig in.” And Martha threw in the line “I haven’t seen it yet,” because she knows that when Blake isn’t writing masterful lines of poetry like, ““The smoky scent of sandalwood burning on a wick, the ‘ahh’ of a warm bath,” she’s using her binoculars to peek into Martha’s home office to see if her GODDESS is looking at her blog. Martha barely even knows that Blake’s blog is alive.
HuffPo wanted to milk a little more shade out of Martha, so they asked her what she thinks about Blake wanting to be the new her:
“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”
“She COULD be an actress.” I see what you did there, Martha. We’ve all seen Blake try to be an actress time and time again and know that she can’t. Oh, Martha, keep slapping down the lessers. It’s a shady thing.
Brody Jenner is giving me a little Tom Ford in the face, and yeah, I don’t hate it, but he had to go and ruin it all with the douche fingers. What a shame. Bruce Jenner must be so embarrassed that none of his children can even come close to achieving the same level of devastating flawless beauty as he.
But enough about immaculate earth angel Bruce Jenner; this is about the feud between his Drakkar Noir-scented douchebag son and his narcoleptic porn star step-daughter. Despite being THE premier showcase for reality show has-beens and never-wases, Brody Jenner didn’t attend Kim Kardashian’s biennial wedding ceremony last month because he was “busy”. Even though he didn’t fall out of Pimp Mama Kris’s fame whore hole, some of her stunt queen DNA must have rubbed off on him, because Brody made sure to drop everything he was doing (nothing is a thing you can do) to make a big show of attending the wedding of Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush this weekend. Brody is about as subtle as the padding in a Kardashian’s ass.
Then on Monday, while Brody was walking the red carpet for the 9th Annual All-Star Celebrity Kickoff Party (we’re really playing fast and loose with the definition of the word “star”, aren’t we), he was asked if it was intentional that he skipped Kim’s dumb attention whore extravaganza. Instead of answering truthfully by saying “DUH! I’d rather get a root canal though my asshole”, Brody replied:
“Kim’s was in Paris. I was working. Kim was in Paris, and it’s as simple as that. So yeah, it’s kind of ridiculous that everybody’s making such a big deal out of it. Reggie’s been a friend of mine for a very long time. So it’s all good.”
Then he added: “Besides, it’s not a big deal. Kim will have many many many many more weddings that I can pretend I’m too busy to go to.”
Here’s more of Brody at the 9th Annual Not-Stars Celebrity-ish Kickoff Party on Monday night looking like what you’d see if you threw one of Ashton Kutcher’s nut hairs under a microscope:
Former Popple-looking mess and current full-time shade-shooting bitch Nicki Minaj won the Best Female Hip Hop Artist award for the fifth year in a row at the BET Awards last night, and since she’s already filled four acceptance speeches with teary-eyed thank yous to God and Jesus and Fix-A-Flat, she used her fifth time on stage to come for Australian rapper Iggy Azalea. For those of you thinking: “Damn, hasn’t that ungly-ass gremlin baby been through enough?”, you’re confusing her with Azealia Banks. Iggy Azalea is the Clueless one. TOO MANY AZALEAS, I know.
The human Crank Yankers puppet was also up against Angel Haze (aka Ireland Baldwin’s Instagram girlfriend), Eve, Charli Baltimore, but she only snatched at the metaphorical wig on Iggy’s head by subtly addressing the rumor that Iggy Azalea is the Charlie McCarthy to T.I.’s Edgar Bergen, saying:
“What I want the world to know about Nicki Minaj is, that when you hear Nicki Minaj spit, Nicki Minaj wrote it.”
She then went on to clarify that she wasn’t trying to be shady (eye roll) she just wants you to know that when she’s rapping such lyrical poetry as “You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe, you a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe”, it all came from Nicki’s noggin:
“No, no, no shade. No, no, no shade…I’m still one of the only emcees that’s out here spitting metaphors and making you think. And I really don’t even care if I get my credit or if I don’t.”
It’s true that she makes you think: I spent a good 10 minutes thinking of the last time I heard a Nicki Minaj song. I think it was 2012? I can’t remember, but now she’s really got me thinking about it.
Here’s more of Nicki serving up some 1998 Le Château realness on her way out of the BET awards. I thought Iggy might wait for her after the show to whoop a trick Outback-style, but she wasn’t there. Probably because she didn’t want to show up for her date with Terry Crews looking like a busted mess.
During Wednesday night’s show in Miami for their “On The Run From Kim and Kanye” Tour, Her Majesty Beyoncé and smooth camel Jay-Z came for human diaper rash Justin Bieber by projecting his Barbizon-approved mug shot. Shocking, I know; Beyoncé ACTUALLY allowed a giant picture of someone else’s face to be shown. Maybe they ran out of super-secret wedding footage?
The picture of Canada’s swaggy preteen gerbil was shown during a performance of “Izzo” along with a collection of various celebrity mugshots, like Robert Downey Jr. and Bill Gates. However, those shady bitches timed it so that Justin Bieber’s birth announcement photo would appear at the part of the song where Jay-Z says “So poof, vamoose son of a bitch.” That high school drama queen even holds out his mic so that the audience can shout the lyrics along with him. It all goes down at the 0:57 mark.
According to the Mirror, after Beyoncé finished charging her batteries back stage, she came out and proved she’s still one of the greatest living professional trolls out there by saying of Bieber’s mugshot: “Even the greatest can fail.” Oh Stuntyoncé, you subtle robot you. Of course, Justin Bieber will probably find a douchey shitty baby way to respond to Jay-Z and Yawncé, but first he needs to fully wake up from his nap.
Supermodel, proud mega bitch and gold medal-winning BlackBerry-thrower Naomi Campbell was on Australia’s The Morning Show today and since she’s been on the cover of US Vogue before, she was asked for her thoughts on the cover that will soon grace the bottom of thousands of birds cages. If you’re Nan from American Horror Story: Coven and can read minds, you’d probably hear a tornado of fuck words forming in Naomi’s head as she turns on her filter. You can see the words, “Fuck Kanye! Fuck Kim! Fuck Anna! Fuck Vogue!,” form in Naomi’s brain and after they pass through her filter, she says, “I do not want to comment.” And then she let out a blood-freezing, bitchified villainess cackle that’d even make Lucifer’s fluffer Pimp Mama Kris run for cover. Here’s Kylie and Naomi’s little conversation about the “Nail in the Coffin” issue of Vogue.
Kylie: What do you think of Kim and Kanye’s US Vogue cover, given that you have been on the cover yourself countless times?
Naomi: I do not want to comment.
Naomi: Bahahahahahahahhahaaa…. Because I am a fashion model and I’ve been working for 28 years. When you get a Vogue cover, it’s a build in your career, it’s a stepping stone to achieve that. I’m a fashion model, so what more can I say?
Kylie: So you think that Kim and Kanye haven’t earned the right to be on the cover of Vogue?
Naomi: Those are YOUR words. I’m being politically correct. That’s Anna Wintour’s choice to put them on the cover of her magazine. Who’s to question it?
Kylie: Well, I just did.
Naomi’s only response should’ve been this:
Yes, Naomi, snatch the stubble off of Kanye’s bald head with that cackle. Yes, Naomi, yank Kim’s hair until her hairline is on a missing poster next to your hairline. That GIF should really be filed as the official response to that cover.
And in case you didn’t hear it the first time or the second time, Naomi is A. FASHION. MODEL. A. FASHION. MODEL. So she knows!